Me and Mrs Jones (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
Gemma makes lazy Alfie work with his father on his grocery van whilst she accepts Tom's invitation to join his self defence classes. Inca is also keen to attend and when Jason interrupts she floors him and sits on his chest and only releases him after he has promised to marry him. Tom suggests Billy become his lodger and Billy takes up the offer but after one night away Gemma is already missing him.
Chloe Bryant says her dad hasn't
brushed his teeth since 1997.
That's disgusting! He's a hippy!
That's one word for him!
Can I be a hippy, Mum? No. Brush!
I've finished. Look!
Oh, wow! It looks lovely.
It's taken years off me!
About 35 years, to be exact!
Right, come along, you two.
Oh!
Dude!
♪ Can't explain all the feelings
that you're making me feel ♪
♪ Oo-oo-ooh
Oh, my God! Did I sleep through
a rave or something?
Alfie!
Have you even been to bed?
A soldier never sleeps, Mother.
I'm trying to kill
the Dark Destroyer.
It's a German nerd. He's been trying
to annihilate her for 36 hours!
Alfie! How did these get here?
Sorry. They're mine.
Oh.
Right. Can you tidy up now, boys,
please?
Why? "Why"?
Because this is my home,
not a squat!
Sorry.
Alfie! Move it, now. OK.
OK. Oh, a result! Pepperoni!
I'll just go help her, then,
shall I?
Cheers, mate. She can be
a bit stressy.
Up yours, Granddad!
Shouldn't you recycle those?
Yes, probably.
Do you think maybe...
we should at some point...
discuss the kiss?
Yes, probably. But at the moment I
feel like I'm being buried alive
in people and sleeping bags
and forgotten homework,
odd socks and pizza boxes.
So I vote, if it's OK with you,
that we, er, that we forget that
our... our... our...
Kiss.
Thank you... ever happened.
That we bury it very deeply,
throw a lot of earth over it,
maybe lay down some concrete
and possibly even erect
a conservatory over it.
Like a serial killer would do.
Yes.
We bury our kiss.
Alfie, start tidying up now.
Excuse me.
Alfie, I don't want to have to ask
you again! Turn that off!
I will as soon as I've killed the
Dark Destroyer and her minions.
Oi! There.
I've killed her for you.
Now, get up, sort this out,
and if you're planning on staying
around, you need to get a job.
Ooh!
Oh! Oh!
Ding-dong! Knock-knock!
What? I knocked, vocally.
You should have waited! I could
be... Jesus, what happened
to your hair?
Jason, I'm not in the mood! Blimey,
what threw up and died in here?
My son.
He leaves a trail of destruction
wherever he goes. Like his mum!
Ha-ha! Time to get down
to business.
My Big Boy's exploded.
Sounds painful. The Big Boy
is a foot-long premium sausage
in a light pastry puff drizzled -
optional - with a baked bean jus.
Just a big sausage roll, then? It's
time to expand the fleet, Gem Gem.
I'm going to get another van!
Don't call me that. And this is
my business, too,
so I'll check over the accounts and
see if we can afford a new van.
Give Alfie a job! No, no way!
The boy's a walking disaster!
You'll need somebody
to drive the new van. No. Anyway,
I was going to employ a woman.
This is a family business, remember,
and Alfie is family. No Alfie,
no new van. He wouldn't want to
work with me anyway. He will.
Alfie, where are you going? To bed.
It's been a long night, Mother.
My thumbs ache.
Get your shoes on. You're working
with Jason today.
Wh... No. No words or pulling
a sickie or making excuses.
Shoes on, quick sticks,
then out to hunt and gather.
No choice, mate. Your mum's gone all
Margaret Thatcher on us.
Looks like the lady's not
for turning!
What? It's what Margaret Thatcher
said.
Jason, if you have to explain it,
it means it's not funny.
Girls, time to go! Go on!
Yes.
Look, Dad, I've got pants
on my head. Yes, I know.
The girls are going straight from
school to Chloe Bryant's.
Is she the mono-browed one? Jason!
Yeah, she's the mono-browed one.
Alfie, come on, mate.
I'm not your mate!
Do I have to? Come on, you loved
doing the sandwich run
when you were younger.
You'd beg me to let Jason take you.
Now I'm begging you not to.
Come on. Morning all!
Oh, hello, Tom. What are you doing
here?
Yeah, what are you doing here?
Just passing, you know.
But you live over by the big Asda.
Yes, but I jog all over the place.
You know how it is.
No, I don't! Nice trackie, mate.
Thanks. I thought so.
Pure polyester?
Tom, would you like to come in?
I wouldn't if I were you. It's
disgusting in there! No, it isn't.
He's exaggerating. I'm not.
I think I saw a rat.
Probably your own reflection.
Goodbye, Jason!
That man's a proper pillock.
I think he's the best guy
my mum's ever been with.
I'll drive. I don't think so. This
is fully loaded with Big Boys.
It needs a real man behind
the wheel. Do you know any?
You'll have to go in the back
till I drop the girls.
And keep your paws off the produce.
I'll get travel sick back here!
Hey, hey, hey!
Stop eating the profits!
One day, girls,
all this will be yours.
Try and contain yourself, girls!
I'm running a women's self-defence
class tonight.
Off-shoot of my Taekwondo class.
Thought you might like to come?
Well, that's very kind. It could be
our first activity date.
Maybe we could grab a smoothie
after we've showered down.
Well, in separate showers,
obviously!
I'm not sure. I've got the books
to do, and the house is a tip,
what with Alfie back and Billy
on the sofa, it's chaos.
Hey, Billy could move in with me,
if it would help?
What?! No!
Sorry. No, I didn't mean that Billy
had to leave.
I just... I've got a box room.
Wow, that's, um...
Um... I'm not sure. I am being a bit
selfish here. Grown-up company
would help.
I know you can't get more grown up
than my Poppy,
but there's only so much needlepoint
and reading aloud from the Diaries
of Mao Tse Tung a man can take!
Do you play Canasta?
No. I mean, I can...
That's very kind, Tom, but he's fine
here. Aren't you?
Unless, of course, you want to...
No. I mean, here is good.
Just a thought to help you out.
Here's my card. Call me if you want
out of the mad house.
Right. Well, I'm off to look for
a job.
Oh. Happy hunting!
Please come.
Fran is. Is she?
Oh. Well, er... OK.
Great!
You know, most people are attacked
by someone they know.
I won't attack you, obviously,
but someone else, you know, might.
Move your arse! I'm not wearing
that poncey cap and apron!
There's nothing poncey about it.
I designed it.
It says, "Professional".
It says, "Idiot".
Out now.
Come on.
You've got to be joking! I'll look
like Little Red Riding Hood!
Get on with it. And don't come
back till you've sold the lot.
Hey, have you been eating a Big Boy?
No.
My, what big teeth you have!
All the better to eat you with!
Hello to you, Tom.
I squeal when I see you are
class leader.
God dag! You are remembering me.
Of course. It's great to see you
here.
I'm having two minds for coming
because I'm very strong.
My father and brothers
make me join them in combat
with the traditional Swedish Mora
fighting knives.
This one, I carry it always.
My father made for me when I left
home.
Gosh. Right.
I'm not sure. Perhaps you should...
My problem, Tom, is that my looks
attract green-eared monster
in other womens.
I'm always sensing an imminent
attack from less beautiful woman.
Right. Well, I think I can certainly
help you.
I must say, though, that I don't
think that the knife is quite
what...
Sorry.
I need to get to my locker.
Sorry. Always in the way!
I'll just, um...
Oh...
It's... water.
Where are all the men?
It's a women-only class.
What?!
Hello!
Wow!
I'm so glad you came!
No of fence, Tom, but I'm heading to
the gym.
I need ripped men,
not defenceless women.
Please stay! You'll be fine!
Look, Inca's here.
Yes...
She's very enthusiastic.
All right, everyone. Pair up.
Gemma, are you OK?
What? Yes. No, I'm fine.
I didn't have a partner
so I was just bouncing.
I'm so glad you made it, Gemma.
I know this is an odd sort of
a date,
but you're actually quite good at it
for a tiny person.
I'm not that tiny!
Like a tiny, tired sparrow.
Although not all tiny things
are defenceless.
Think of the golden poison
dart frog.
A mere two inches long, but has
the venom to kill ten men!
Who wants to attack Gemma?
Ja!
All right?
She's just popped out the back,
mate. Short-staffed.
Right. Thanks.
She's a lesbian, you know.
Oh, right. Yep.
Oh, hey!
Thanks. No problem.
What can I get you?
Probably about half a pint of lager?
You're Alfie's mate, right? Yeah.
Have a half on me.
I'll buy you one back
when he gets here.
You know what? Why don't I take it
out of your wages?
You need someone?
For today, definitely.
My other half has flu.
I've got half a dozen hens
arriving at five.
I'd need more than a pint
to do the stripper thing.
I've got that covered. But I do need
a barman tonight if you can help?
When do I start? How long will it
take you to drink your pint?
I never drink on duty.
If it's going begging?
You won't turn her.
I've tried.
Oh. I'll bear that in mind.
See? Wasn't so bad today, was it?
S'pose. Plenty of fit women in those
offices, that's for sure.
Yeah, well, keep your eye
on the butties, not the hotties
is my advice.
Starts off as in innocent flirt
and before you know it,
you've set up home and they ask you
to get a sperm count.
Anyway, you did well today.
Thanks.
Right. Out you pop. What, here?
Get the bus. I've got to collect
Inca from her self-defence class.
Makes sense.
She can't rely on you to defend her,
can she?
Why not? Because you're physically
challenged, like an old, withered
badger.
5:00am tomorrow. Don't be late.
Here.
Old badger?
Cheek!
Oh, not that bloody nincompoop!
Agh! Ooh!
Oh, no! Bloody hell!
Go on, Gems!
If only she had the balls to do that
when you two were together! Isn't
there a restraining order on you?
A misunderstanding when the sauna
doors got stuck. It was very hot.
I could have died.
The guy who got stuck in there
with you looked half dead
when he came out!
Inca looks like she's enjoying
herself!
Must be weird for her sitting on top
of a real man for a change!
♪ You're insecure
♪ Don't know what for
♪ You're turning heads when you walk
through the do-o-or ♪
What's up, Doc? That's original!
I try. Nice ears.
Thanks. Same to you. Thanks.
Although mine are more like mouse's.
In fact, Alfie's built like a mouse
all over.
Yeah, right!
What can I get you?
Carrot juice, obviously.
Get your hairy mitts off her!
Right. That's it!
That's right.
It's worked well.
You have me overcome!
Hello, Jason.
We're not quite finished yet. If you
can wait in the other room for Inca.
The studio is a soft-shoed area
only. I'm here to join the class.
But it's not for men, Jason.
I call that sexist.
And that's illegal
in some countries.
I'm just as likely to get attacked
as any of you. More, even.
True. I know loads of people
who want to punch you!
I would be happy to arrange an
all-male class, if there's enough
interest.
I want to join this one.
Right.
Well, if there are no objections,
it might be handy to have
another "attacker".
What an idiot! Yeah, I know!
I was talking about you.
I could offer you a couple of shifts
this week, if you're interested?
Thanks, but it might not be enough.
Might go back home.
If there's nothing for you to stay
here for, it makes sense.
Well, there kind of is.
Alfie? He's cute, but no!
It's complicated.
She's already taken? Not yet, but to
have halfway is harder than not
at all.
Quite the philosopher. It's written
in the men's toilets.
So that's why it's important to
practise these moves
at home with a partner or a friend.
Looks like you've got a thrilling
night ahead, Gem Gem! Shut up!
So you must do what you can to
loosen your assailant's grip.
Bite, scratch... I'm professional
nail technician
if any woman is needing new nails.
Thank you, Inca. So, who wants to
attack me?
Come on, who's it going to be?
Anybody?
Scared? No!
I just don't want to hurt him.
Yes!
Oh. Right. I was looking for a lady,
but...
Near as dammit!
If you'll join me over here, Jason.
Right. Now, you will attack me.
It'll be my pleasure. And I will
overcome you. You can try!
In your own time.
WOMEN CHANT: Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom!
Come on, Jason!
Isn't it thrill to see our two men
fight like rabid bears!
I wouldn't call it thrill exactly.
Yield? Do you yield?
I will never yield!
Yield! Yield!
Get up, Jason.
In a minute, love. Are you all
right?
Wasn't too rough, was I?
Not rough enough, if anything, no.
I just didn't want to look like a
show-off. Don't worry, you didn't!
♪ Everybody loves a lover
♪ I'm a lover
♪ Everybody loves me
♪ Gee, I feel just about ten feet
tall
♪ I've been having a ball... ♪
All right!
What do you say?
Off! Off! Off! Off!
♪ ..Everybody loves me, yes they do
♪ And I love everybody... ♪
Move.
I think I've peaked too early.
What time is it?
It's 6.30. I'm gonna be sick!
I ate too many Big Boys!
Where are all the bunnies going?
Watership Down.
Is that a new club? Never mind,
mate. I'll call a cab
and take you home.
OK?
Here we go. Here we go.
I can't understand
what you see in him.
What, beyond his generous and kind
personality,
his strength... He's so obvious.
If you mean obviously good-looking,
then yes, he's obvious.
Look at him. All over her
like a dirty rash.
I don't think he's interested in her
like that. No of fence,
but Inca has powers over men that
a woman like you couldn't possibly
understand.
What are you doing, Jason?
I'm your protector. Me, not him.
What? I want to look after you
forever, my delicate flower.
Praise Odin! Is this the proposal?
Not exactly. More a declaration.
Yes! Yes, I will be your wife.
I will be Inca Adolphson Jones.
No, hang on. What I meant was...
We are to be wife and husband!
One day.
One day. We'll have a long
engagement. Aghh!
Ooh. Mmm.
This must remind you of when Jason
proposed to you.
He asked me on the family day out
at Chessington.
On the log flume.
He'd asked Alfie to keep the ring
safe.
Alfie ate it. We had to wait
two days to get it back!
Oh.
It is hard, though,
when an ex moves on.
I know when Selina and Imran bought
their Lexus, I knew I had to try.
Jason and I have been over
a long time.
Although it's never really over
when you have a child, is it?
Fancy that smoothie?
I think I'll head home. But thanks
for tonight, Tom. It's been... fun.
Yeah, you want some?
Frankly, it's a relief.
Oh, I can do dirty!
Watch this!
Wow, you just beat
Alfie's highest score.
How long have you been standing
there?
Long enough.
I'd say you've got some pent-up
anger you need releasing.
Not so much anger.
More petty annoyances.
Is me being here included
in the petty annoyances?
Cos I was thinking maybe I should
go...
home.
Back to Ireland.
Well, you don't have to go that far!
I mean I don't want to push you out
of, um...
out of Alfie's life altogether.
So are we saying a bus ride away?
Well, um...
being a bus ride away would
probably stop the kissing.
And, uh...
Well, the kissing always leads to,
um...
Well, it leads to...
You know, the complicated thing
that happens after kissing.
So, um...
It might be safer.
Then safer it'll be.
I'll be on my way.
What? No! No. No, I mean,
you don't have to leave now.
I mean, it's late and the buses
are less frequent after 11.
I think I do, otherwise the
complicated thing that happens
after the kissing might happen.
Oh, right. Right.
Um, well, in that case,
I won't kiss you goodbye.
Good. Because neither of us want
the complicated thing to happen.
No. No, of course not.
No, not at all. Eugh!
Oh, right. Yes. Yes.
Um...
Nice to have had you.
Er, staying here!
Goodbye, Mrs Jones.
Goodbye, Mr...
Delaney.
Right.
Delaney.
Billy Delaney.
Right.
Ow! Oh!
Oh!
So I've phoned my father
and brothers
and told them about
our most exciting news.
My father said he's glad he doesn't
have to hunt you down
and kill you now!
Great!
Let's hold off telling my girls,
though, until we have a date. OK?
Jesus!
Oh, Jason, do you feel pain?
Just a bit tender.
I hope your baby-making pods
are not damaged.
No, they're all fine.
I just twisted my back at work.
Not the fighting?
No!
That was child's play.
Jason,
I need diamond.
We'll look into getting a ring
for you, love,
but I have to buy a new van first.
You put the purchase of a van
before Inca?!
More vans means more money
for diamonds.
Let's not rush things, love.
But... I just want to enjoy
every minute.
I want everything to be perfect
for you.
Oh, it will, Jason. I will be
the most beautiful bride.
Yep, come in.
Hello, mate. Hey.
Some fresh towels and a cup
of Japanese tea.
It's a yunomi. It has no handle
so you feel the warmth directly by
cupping it in both hands. Lovely.
Right, old chap. I'm going to watch
Morse, if you want to join me?
Thanks, Tom, but I'm knackered.
No problem. We'll clear out the rest
of Poppy's old toys tomorrow. Cool.
Yep.
It's great having you here, mate.
Night! Good night!
♪ I am just a little girl... ♪
I mean, kissing's not so bad, is it?
Doesn't always lead to...
There's lots of men and it hasn't
led to...
Has it?
No.
Night.
Has anyone ever told you
you have very weird eyes?
And no funny business!
brushed his teeth since 1997.
That's disgusting! He's a hippy!
That's one word for him!
Can I be a hippy, Mum? No. Brush!
I've finished. Look!
Oh, wow! It looks lovely.
It's taken years off me!
About 35 years, to be exact!
Right, come along, you two.
Oh!
Dude!
♪ Can't explain all the feelings
that you're making me feel ♪
♪ Oo-oo-ooh
Oh, my God! Did I sleep through
a rave or something?
Alfie!
Have you even been to bed?
A soldier never sleeps, Mother.
I'm trying to kill
the Dark Destroyer.
It's a German nerd. He's been trying
to annihilate her for 36 hours!
Alfie! How did these get here?
Sorry. They're mine.
Oh.
Right. Can you tidy up now, boys,
please?
Why? "Why"?
Because this is my home,
not a squat!
Sorry.
Alfie! Move it, now. OK.
OK. Oh, a result! Pepperoni!
I'll just go help her, then,
shall I?
Cheers, mate. She can be
a bit stressy.
Up yours, Granddad!
Shouldn't you recycle those?
Yes, probably.
Do you think maybe...
we should at some point...
discuss the kiss?
Yes, probably. But at the moment I
feel like I'm being buried alive
in people and sleeping bags
and forgotten homework,
odd socks and pizza boxes.
So I vote, if it's OK with you,
that we, er, that we forget that
our... our... our...
Kiss.
Thank you... ever happened.
That we bury it very deeply,
throw a lot of earth over it,
maybe lay down some concrete
and possibly even erect
a conservatory over it.
Like a serial killer would do.
Yes.
We bury our kiss.
Alfie, start tidying up now.
Excuse me.
Alfie, I don't want to have to ask
you again! Turn that off!
I will as soon as I've killed the
Dark Destroyer and her minions.
Oi! There.
I've killed her for you.
Now, get up, sort this out,
and if you're planning on staying
around, you need to get a job.
Ooh!
Oh! Oh!
Ding-dong! Knock-knock!
What? I knocked, vocally.
You should have waited! I could
be... Jesus, what happened
to your hair?
Jason, I'm not in the mood! Blimey,
what threw up and died in here?
My son.
He leaves a trail of destruction
wherever he goes. Like his mum!
Ha-ha! Time to get down
to business.
My Big Boy's exploded.
Sounds painful. The Big Boy
is a foot-long premium sausage
in a light pastry puff drizzled -
optional - with a baked bean jus.
Just a big sausage roll, then? It's
time to expand the fleet, Gem Gem.
I'm going to get another van!
Don't call me that. And this is
my business, too,
so I'll check over the accounts and
see if we can afford a new van.
Give Alfie a job! No, no way!
The boy's a walking disaster!
You'll need somebody
to drive the new van. No. Anyway,
I was going to employ a woman.
This is a family business, remember,
and Alfie is family. No Alfie,
no new van. He wouldn't want to
work with me anyway. He will.
Alfie, where are you going? To bed.
It's been a long night, Mother.
My thumbs ache.
Get your shoes on. You're working
with Jason today.
Wh... No. No words or pulling
a sickie or making excuses.
Shoes on, quick sticks,
then out to hunt and gather.
No choice, mate. Your mum's gone all
Margaret Thatcher on us.
Looks like the lady's not
for turning!
What? It's what Margaret Thatcher
said.
Jason, if you have to explain it,
it means it's not funny.
Girls, time to go! Go on!
Yes.
Look, Dad, I've got pants
on my head. Yes, I know.
The girls are going straight from
school to Chloe Bryant's.
Is she the mono-browed one? Jason!
Yeah, she's the mono-browed one.
Alfie, come on, mate.
I'm not your mate!
Do I have to? Come on, you loved
doing the sandwich run
when you were younger.
You'd beg me to let Jason take you.
Now I'm begging you not to.
Come on. Morning all!
Oh, hello, Tom. What are you doing
here?
Yeah, what are you doing here?
Just passing, you know.
But you live over by the big Asda.
Yes, but I jog all over the place.
You know how it is.
No, I don't! Nice trackie, mate.
Thanks. I thought so.
Pure polyester?
Tom, would you like to come in?
I wouldn't if I were you. It's
disgusting in there! No, it isn't.
He's exaggerating. I'm not.
I think I saw a rat.
Probably your own reflection.
Goodbye, Jason!
That man's a proper pillock.
I think he's the best guy
my mum's ever been with.
I'll drive. I don't think so. This
is fully loaded with Big Boys.
It needs a real man behind
the wheel. Do you know any?
You'll have to go in the back
till I drop the girls.
And keep your paws off the produce.
I'll get travel sick back here!
Hey, hey, hey!
Stop eating the profits!
One day, girls,
all this will be yours.
Try and contain yourself, girls!
I'm running a women's self-defence
class tonight.
Off-shoot of my Taekwondo class.
Thought you might like to come?
Well, that's very kind. It could be
our first activity date.
Maybe we could grab a smoothie
after we've showered down.
Well, in separate showers,
obviously!
I'm not sure. I've got the books
to do, and the house is a tip,
what with Alfie back and Billy
on the sofa, it's chaos.
Hey, Billy could move in with me,
if it would help?
What?! No!
Sorry. No, I didn't mean that Billy
had to leave.
I just... I've got a box room.
Wow, that's, um...
Um... I'm not sure. I am being a bit
selfish here. Grown-up company
would help.
I know you can't get more grown up
than my Poppy,
but there's only so much needlepoint
and reading aloud from the Diaries
of Mao Tse Tung a man can take!
Do you play Canasta?
No. I mean, I can...
That's very kind, Tom, but he's fine
here. Aren't you?
Unless, of course, you want to...
No. I mean, here is good.
Just a thought to help you out.
Here's my card. Call me if you want
out of the mad house.
Right. Well, I'm off to look for
a job.
Oh. Happy hunting!
Please come.
Fran is. Is she?
Oh. Well, er... OK.
Great!
You know, most people are attacked
by someone they know.
I won't attack you, obviously,
but someone else, you know, might.
Move your arse! I'm not wearing
that poncey cap and apron!
There's nothing poncey about it.
I designed it.
It says, "Professional".
It says, "Idiot".
Out now.
Come on.
You've got to be joking! I'll look
like Little Red Riding Hood!
Get on with it. And don't come
back till you've sold the lot.
Hey, have you been eating a Big Boy?
No.
My, what big teeth you have!
All the better to eat you with!
Hello to you, Tom.
I squeal when I see you are
class leader.
God dag! You are remembering me.
Of course. It's great to see you
here.
I'm having two minds for coming
because I'm very strong.
My father and brothers
make me join them in combat
with the traditional Swedish Mora
fighting knives.
This one, I carry it always.
My father made for me when I left
home.
Gosh. Right.
I'm not sure. Perhaps you should...
My problem, Tom, is that my looks
attract green-eared monster
in other womens.
I'm always sensing an imminent
attack from less beautiful woman.
Right. Well, I think I can certainly
help you.
I must say, though, that I don't
think that the knife is quite
what...
Sorry.
I need to get to my locker.
Sorry. Always in the way!
I'll just, um...
Oh...
It's... water.
Where are all the men?
It's a women-only class.
What?!
Hello!
Wow!
I'm so glad you came!
No of fence, Tom, but I'm heading to
the gym.
I need ripped men,
not defenceless women.
Please stay! You'll be fine!
Look, Inca's here.
Yes...
She's very enthusiastic.
All right, everyone. Pair up.
Gemma, are you OK?
What? Yes. No, I'm fine.
I didn't have a partner
so I was just bouncing.
I'm so glad you made it, Gemma.
I know this is an odd sort of
a date,
but you're actually quite good at it
for a tiny person.
I'm not that tiny!
Like a tiny, tired sparrow.
Although not all tiny things
are defenceless.
Think of the golden poison
dart frog.
A mere two inches long, but has
the venom to kill ten men!
Who wants to attack Gemma?
Ja!
All right?
She's just popped out the back,
mate. Short-staffed.
Right. Thanks.
She's a lesbian, you know.
Oh, right. Yep.
Oh, hey!
Thanks. No problem.
What can I get you?
Probably about half a pint of lager?
You're Alfie's mate, right? Yeah.
Have a half on me.
I'll buy you one back
when he gets here.
You know what? Why don't I take it
out of your wages?
You need someone?
For today, definitely.
My other half has flu.
I've got half a dozen hens
arriving at five.
I'd need more than a pint
to do the stripper thing.
I've got that covered. But I do need
a barman tonight if you can help?
When do I start? How long will it
take you to drink your pint?
I never drink on duty.
If it's going begging?
You won't turn her.
I've tried.
Oh. I'll bear that in mind.
See? Wasn't so bad today, was it?
S'pose. Plenty of fit women in those
offices, that's for sure.
Yeah, well, keep your eye
on the butties, not the hotties
is my advice.
Starts off as in innocent flirt
and before you know it,
you've set up home and they ask you
to get a sperm count.
Anyway, you did well today.
Thanks.
Right. Out you pop. What, here?
Get the bus. I've got to collect
Inca from her self-defence class.
Makes sense.
She can't rely on you to defend her,
can she?
Why not? Because you're physically
challenged, like an old, withered
badger.
5:00am tomorrow. Don't be late.
Here.
Old badger?
Cheek!
Oh, not that bloody nincompoop!
Agh! Ooh!
Oh, no! Bloody hell!
Go on, Gems!
If only she had the balls to do that
when you two were together! Isn't
there a restraining order on you?
A misunderstanding when the sauna
doors got stuck. It was very hot.
I could have died.
The guy who got stuck in there
with you looked half dead
when he came out!
Inca looks like she's enjoying
herself!
Must be weird for her sitting on top
of a real man for a change!
♪ You're insecure
♪ Don't know what for
♪ You're turning heads when you walk
through the do-o-or ♪
What's up, Doc? That's original!
I try. Nice ears.
Thanks. Same to you. Thanks.
Although mine are more like mouse's.
In fact, Alfie's built like a mouse
all over.
Yeah, right!
What can I get you?
Carrot juice, obviously.
Get your hairy mitts off her!
Right. That's it!
That's right.
It's worked well.
You have me overcome!
Hello, Jason.
We're not quite finished yet. If you
can wait in the other room for Inca.
The studio is a soft-shoed area
only. I'm here to join the class.
But it's not for men, Jason.
I call that sexist.
And that's illegal
in some countries.
I'm just as likely to get attacked
as any of you. More, even.
True. I know loads of people
who want to punch you!
I would be happy to arrange an
all-male class, if there's enough
interest.
I want to join this one.
Right.
Well, if there are no objections,
it might be handy to have
another "attacker".
What an idiot! Yeah, I know!
I was talking about you.
I could offer you a couple of shifts
this week, if you're interested?
Thanks, but it might not be enough.
Might go back home.
If there's nothing for you to stay
here for, it makes sense.
Well, there kind of is.
Alfie? He's cute, but no!
It's complicated.
She's already taken? Not yet, but to
have halfway is harder than not
at all.
Quite the philosopher. It's written
in the men's toilets.
So that's why it's important to
practise these moves
at home with a partner or a friend.
Looks like you've got a thrilling
night ahead, Gem Gem! Shut up!
So you must do what you can to
loosen your assailant's grip.
Bite, scratch... I'm professional
nail technician
if any woman is needing new nails.
Thank you, Inca. So, who wants to
attack me?
Come on, who's it going to be?
Anybody?
Scared? No!
I just don't want to hurt him.
Yes!
Oh. Right. I was looking for a lady,
but...
Near as dammit!
If you'll join me over here, Jason.
Right. Now, you will attack me.
It'll be my pleasure. And I will
overcome you. You can try!
In your own time.
WOMEN CHANT: Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom!
Come on, Jason!
Isn't it thrill to see our two men
fight like rabid bears!
I wouldn't call it thrill exactly.
Yield? Do you yield?
I will never yield!
Yield! Yield!
Get up, Jason.
In a minute, love. Are you all
right?
Wasn't too rough, was I?
Not rough enough, if anything, no.
I just didn't want to look like a
show-off. Don't worry, you didn't!
♪ Everybody loves a lover
♪ I'm a lover
♪ Everybody loves me
♪ Gee, I feel just about ten feet
tall
♪ I've been having a ball... ♪
All right!
What do you say?
Off! Off! Off! Off!
♪ ..Everybody loves me, yes they do
♪ And I love everybody... ♪
Move.
I think I've peaked too early.
What time is it?
It's 6.30. I'm gonna be sick!
I ate too many Big Boys!
Where are all the bunnies going?
Watership Down.
Is that a new club? Never mind,
mate. I'll call a cab
and take you home.
OK?
Here we go. Here we go.
I can't understand
what you see in him.
What, beyond his generous and kind
personality,
his strength... He's so obvious.
If you mean obviously good-looking,
then yes, he's obvious.
Look at him. All over her
like a dirty rash.
I don't think he's interested in her
like that. No of fence,
but Inca has powers over men that
a woman like you couldn't possibly
understand.
What are you doing, Jason?
I'm your protector. Me, not him.
What? I want to look after you
forever, my delicate flower.
Praise Odin! Is this the proposal?
Not exactly. More a declaration.
Yes! Yes, I will be your wife.
I will be Inca Adolphson Jones.
No, hang on. What I meant was...
We are to be wife and husband!
One day.
One day. We'll have a long
engagement. Aghh!
Ooh. Mmm.
This must remind you of when Jason
proposed to you.
He asked me on the family day out
at Chessington.
On the log flume.
He'd asked Alfie to keep the ring
safe.
Alfie ate it. We had to wait
two days to get it back!
Oh.
It is hard, though,
when an ex moves on.
I know when Selina and Imran bought
their Lexus, I knew I had to try.
Jason and I have been over
a long time.
Although it's never really over
when you have a child, is it?
Fancy that smoothie?
I think I'll head home. But thanks
for tonight, Tom. It's been... fun.
Yeah, you want some?
Frankly, it's a relief.
Oh, I can do dirty!
Watch this!
Wow, you just beat
Alfie's highest score.
How long have you been standing
there?
Long enough.
I'd say you've got some pent-up
anger you need releasing.
Not so much anger.
More petty annoyances.
Is me being here included
in the petty annoyances?
Cos I was thinking maybe I should
go...
home.
Back to Ireland.
Well, you don't have to go that far!
I mean I don't want to push you out
of, um...
out of Alfie's life altogether.
So are we saying a bus ride away?
Well, um...
being a bus ride away would
probably stop the kissing.
And, uh...
Well, the kissing always leads to,
um...
Well, it leads to...
You know, the complicated thing
that happens after kissing.
So, um...
It might be safer.
Then safer it'll be.
I'll be on my way.
What? No! No. No, I mean,
you don't have to leave now.
I mean, it's late and the buses
are less frequent after 11.
I think I do, otherwise the
complicated thing that happens
after the kissing might happen.
Oh, right. Right.
Um, well, in that case,
I won't kiss you goodbye.
Good. Because neither of us want
the complicated thing to happen.
No. No, of course not.
No, not at all. Eugh!
Oh, right. Yes. Yes.
Um...
Nice to have had you.
Er, staying here!
Goodbye, Mrs Jones.
Goodbye, Mr...
Delaney.
Right.
Delaney.
Billy Delaney.
Right.
Ow! Oh!
Oh!
So I've phoned my father
and brothers
and told them about
our most exciting news.
My father said he's glad he doesn't
have to hunt you down
and kill you now!
Great!
Let's hold off telling my girls,
though, until we have a date. OK?
Jesus!
Oh, Jason, do you feel pain?
Just a bit tender.
I hope your baby-making pods
are not damaged.
No, they're all fine.
I just twisted my back at work.
Not the fighting?
No!
That was child's play.
Jason,
I need diamond.
We'll look into getting a ring
for you, love,
but I have to buy a new van first.
You put the purchase of a van
before Inca?!
More vans means more money
for diamonds.
Let's not rush things, love.
But... I just want to enjoy
every minute.
I want everything to be perfect
for you.
Oh, it will, Jason. I will be
the most beautiful bride.
Yep, come in.
Hello, mate. Hey.
Some fresh towels and a cup
of Japanese tea.
It's a yunomi. It has no handle
so you feel the warmth directly by
cupping it in both hands. Lovely.
Right, old chap. I'm going to watch
Morse, if you want to join me?
Thanks, Tom, but I'm knackered.
No problem. We'll clear out the rest
of Poppy's old toys tomorrow. Cool.
Yep.
It's great having you here, mate.
Night! Good night!
♪ I am just a little girl... ♪
I mean, kissing's not so bad, is it?
Doesn't always lead to...
There's lots of men and it hasn't
led to...
Has it?
No.
Night.
Has anyone ever told you
you have very weird eyes?
And no funny business!