McMillan & Wife (1971–1977): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Face of Murder - full transcript
[thunder clapping]
Then, after the
case, no lunch.
Two hours with the
Chamber of Commerce,
three hours
with the Mayor,
which leaves very
little time to...
drink and be merry,
to say nothing of eating.
Well, darling, you can do all
three at the Mayerlings' party.
Peter Childs
is catering.
Oh, no, not Crab
Rangoon again.
I can't decide
which is worse.
His food or him.
Why does he always have
to cater to these parties?
Well, he's very
in. Very in.
Maybe we'll be lucky. There
might not be any food left.
We're late enough.
Oh, Mac, no.
It looks like we're
right on time.
Not another
robbery, not tonight.
It wouldn't be so bad if
I wasn't always invited.
And then, they're
giving food right now.
[men chattering]
Mr. Mirian.
This is an outrage!
Yes, sir.
I shall issue a
formal complaint.
Yes, sir. Mr. Mirian, are you
the decorator of this house?
- That is correct.
- That includes
the installation
of the wall safe?
I arrange for
everything.
I will not tolerate
interference.
I cannot even
bear suggestions.
Yes, sir, but I would like to
ask you a few questions
about the installation
of the wall safe.
Do these look like the
hands of a laborer?
I arranged
for its purchase.
I did not install it.
Thank you, sir. You
can get dressed now.
[men chattering]
Uh, have you... have
you seen this one?
Uh, give me your finger.
[thunder rumbling]
I call this my one-hand
appendectomy knot.
Oh-oh, thank
you, Doctor.
Anytime.
Oh, good evening,
Commissioner.
- Good evening, Enright.
- Mrs. McMillan.
Well, sir, I suppose
that you can tell.
- I can tell. Same pattern?
- Same pattern.
I was also checking
the guest list.
- Same list?
- Same list.
What's with your
police, Commissioner?
I can't go to party in San
Francisco without stripping.
You object to that?
I'd think some people
would be above suspicion.
[thunder rumbling]
Who is he?
Edmond Lake.
Matador. Amateur.
Oh, that explains it.
You know, when I got here he was
chasing a redhead around with a cape,
saying that he wanted
her ears for a trophy.
If I know Lake, that wasn't
the part of her he was after.
There is Frances. I am gonna
talk to her for a minute.
Listen, so we've
checked all the guests
and managed to insult most
of them in the process.
Mmm-hmm.
Frances, I'm so sorry.
How's Carter taking it?
You know Carter.
He can't bear to
lose anything.
Once a year he makes me take an
inventory of everything in the house.
Frances, Carter, we'd like
to ask you a few questions,
- if you're up to it.
- I'm not up to it.
I may never be up to
anything ever again.
It was a terrible party,
even before Frances
insisted on opening the safe.
Now, why did you
open the safe?
To show off her
diamond. Why else?
Well, he never
lets me wear it.
So at least I can show
it off to a few friends.
But when you opened the
safe, the diamond was gone?
T-t-the case was there, but
the diamond was gone.
How many others know the
combination to the safe?
(Frances)
He's the only one.
I don't know why anybody
would attempt a theft
right in the middle of
a party full of people?
Our thief likes
nothing better
than performing
before a crowd.
It's part of his style
and signature.
This is the worst evening of
my life, Frances. The worst.
Oh, Peter, I thought you
catered the Parkins' party.
They were burgled
after dinner.
Would you care for hors
d'oeuvres, Mrs. McMillan?
No, thank you.
Commissioner?
I believe you even
missed them.
Yes, we did.
The worst evening
in my entire life.
Frances, I'm going home.
The worst evening
in his life?
(Frances)
Come along, Sally.
I want to show
you something.
And I want you to tell
me that it's wonderful.
I didn't know you
had anything left.
Oh, he only took
the diamond.
It was just a
teeny little thing.
Oh?
What do you
think of this?
Well, uh,
I like it.
I don't understand
it but I like it.
Oh, I don't
understand it.
Carter hates it because
he doesn't understand it.
But I don't think you have to
understand something to love it.
Don't you agree?
Yes, I do. In
this case, I do.
I like it very much.
You stay here. I am going to
introduce you to the sculptor.
John Thomas.
John Thomas.
I want to introduce
you to someone.
Sally McMillan, this is
John Thomas Clarke.
How do you do? I was
just admiring your work.
It's always a pleasure to
meet someone who does.
I can see that gleam in
your eyes, John Thomas.
Let me caution you.
Don't propose
anything unlawful.
Sally's married to our
police commissioner.
Well,
I must get back to,
uh, dear old Carter.
So, you really
like my mobile?
Yes, I do. Very much.
Frances doesn't
understand it, you know.
She says she loves it, but
she doesn't understand it.
I really prefer
Carter's attitude.
He says he hates it.
That's because
he understands it.
Well, you know, I've always
been fascinated by mobiles.
The thing that I don't understand
is, how they're done.
You really must, uh, come
by my studio one day.
I'll show you exactly
how it's done.
I'd love to.
John Thomas?
I... I think that woman
is calling you.
Where? I have a little
trouble with my vision.
Oh, really? You'd never
know it from your work.
Oh, well, it's an asset.
I can only see one
woman at a time.
You've been
here all afternoon
installing that
hateful mobile.
Now, please, can we
not stay all night?
Lanthie hates my mobile,
that's because she
understands it.
Uh, Mrs. McMillan, I'd like
you to meet Eolanthe Simms.
Lanthie, Mrs. McMillan
is interested in art.
Well, you've never introduced
me to a woman who wasn't.
[chuckles]
Come on, John, let's go.
I mean, the whole night has been
a flop from beginning to end.
And I've just been absolutely
assaulted by a policeman.
Uh, first, go over and tell Frances
that you had a good time,
and tell her that you are
sorry about her diamond.
Well, I had a
terrible time,
and I'm not sorry
about her diamond.
As a matter of fact, I
think it was the high point
of this whole
disastrous evening.
Then lie to her.
You know how you
love to do that.
The insurance investigator checked
the safe before the party began, sir,
and he says that the
diamond was still there.
Did you investigate
the investigator?
Yes, he's
all right, sir.
Now, the diamond had to be taken
by somebody who was at the party.
I mean, six robberies
in seven months?
You are right, sir. We're
dealing with a master burglar
who loves to
perform in public.
All right, let's run
down the list again.
- Fats Lieberman.
- Still in San Quentin.
- Massanti.
- Still dead.
It always leads right
back to the Dutchman.
Hey, darling.
He's the only one who can
operate in this manner.
Yes, but, sir, no one's heard from
the Dutchman in the last 10 years.
We're hearing
from him now.
How many of these people
were at those other parties?
Well, by my
accounting, about 65.
It's the favorite after-dinner
entertainment of the black-tie circuit.
Only they're laughing
less and less.
I really didn't
need to hear that.
Well, you're lucky,
Commissioner.
At least you won't have
to be here in the morning
when the Chief has to face
the Mayor and the press.
Would you rather
be in Palm Springs
facing a national convention
of police commissioners?
Darling, you'll have to face them
when you get back anyway.
I really didn't need
to hear that, either.
[rain pattering]
[car engine starting]
(Mac)
Good night, Enright.
(Enright)
Good night, have a good trip.
Are you sure you want to
play golf your first day here?
You're going to play
golf, aren't you?
Yeah, but you hate golf.
[chuckles]
But I love you.
Anyway, everybody plays golf
in Palm Springs. It's very in.
Boy, it sure is
pretty down there.
[people chattering]
[music playing]
Mmm, good timing.
Thank you.
(both) Arriba. Abajo.
Al centro. Al dentro.
Mac. Mac McMillan.
Freddie O'Neal!
You're still dropping
your guard.
- Good to see you.
- How are you?
Fine. What are
you doing here?
I'm here with Boris Potter,
the used car king of LA.
Why, you're
looking good.
Oh, Freddie, I'd like you
to meet my wife, Sally.
This is Freddie O'Neal.
So you're the little lady
that nailed him, huh?
I hate to tell you
how many tried.
I hate to tell you
what they're missing.
Nice to meet you, champ.
No, just ex-champ now.
Now I am strictly
a golfing buddy.
Hey, there's somebody I want
you to meet. June, come here.
Mac! Hey, it's great
to see you again.
- How are you?
- Oh, I am fine.
Uh, uh.
Huh?
Uh, y-you remember
my wife, Sally.
Oh. Sure, Mac.
Whatever you say.
Are you game... Have
you met with everybody?
Why don't we make
it a foursome?
- Yeah. Fine. check the starter.
- I'll fix us with the starter.
Uh, sit down.
Hey, Allan, bring them
over here, will you?
How long are you gonna
be here, Freddie?
Oh, for a week.
At least that's what
the man says.
What man?
Boris, the
used car king.
Oh, you work for him?
Well, in a... in a manner of
speaking. I golf with him.
Oh, he's your friend.
No, I wouldn't give
him the honor
of calling him
my friend.
I don't think I'm following
this conversation.
Haven't you ever heard
of a golf bum before?
I know a tennis bum.
Is that the same thing?
Something like
that, yeah, except,
usually, tennis bums
have been champs at tennis.
Now, a golf bum can have
been a champ at anything.
I'm a boxing champ, who
works the golf circuit.
Works it?
Yes, that's right.
I go from watering
hole to watering hole.
Wherever a guy is
willing to pick up the tab.
For a weekend or a week.
He gets to introduce the
champ as his golfing buddy,
and I get to stay
in the best hotels,
plus a little cash
on the side.
I do all right.
Oh.
It isn't as degrading as it
sounds, really, sweetheart.
I'm a trophy to
'em, I know that.
But they need a trophy,
and I need the bread.
We're all set.
Tee-off time.
You're still a
big knocker?
Well, we'll see.
Sounds like hustlers
talking to me.
Listen, uh,
June and I will give you
three strokes a side,
we'll adjust it at the end of
nine, maybe $200 nassau.
Good.
(Sally)
Nice shot, Mac.
- Okay, Sally.
- Boy!
That was fabulous.
I hope mine goes there.
Oh.
Listen, I
think I'll walk.
(Mac)
Okay.
There's nothing lonelier
than the game of golf.
Would you believe she's
been taking lessons?
Not only that,
she's improved.
[both chuckling]
Hey, I've been readin' about
that jewel thief of yours.
Sounds like you got
yourself quite an operator.
Yeah, he's
good all right.
Have you been able to
trace any of the loot?
We've checked every known
fence and the diamond cutters.
I've just about decided
he's cutting them himself.
Right, he could be.
Beautiful.
Nice shot, Mac.
Nice, Freddie.
- Very nice.
- That's my partner.
Okay, Sally,
sock it to them.
I played that
just right.
He told me, "Look
down." I looked down.
"Don't take your
eye off the ball."
I didn't take my
eye off the ball.
I kept my arm straight.
I think Sally ought to take
an axe with her in there.
You know, thinking
about the way
your thief loves to
perform at parties,
he kind of reminds
me of the Dutchman.
Remember him?
Yeah.
Who is the Dutchman?
One of the biggest
jewel thieves in Europe,
till lnterpol made
it too hot for him.
What does he look like?
Yeah, if we knew,
we'd grab him.
No one's ever even
seen a photo of him.
I saw him once.
You did?
Yeah. It was on my
triumphant European tour.
I remember thinkin'
he looked so young
to be doin' so well.
- You saw him, huh?
- Yeah.
Would you recognize him
if you saw him again?
Why? I think so.
I think I'll pay
my wife a visit.
(Freddie)
Right. See you on the green.
Sally.
Oh, Mac, you're
gonna love it here.
It's so secluded.
Here, let me show you.
Better stand
a little closer.
I am standing close.
Can't get any closer.
Well, the golf pro always
does when he teaches me.
- I pay for that?
- Darling, it's worth it.
I couldn't even get into the
trees before he began.
Standing so close.
Right.
Okay, now, look.
Like that. See?
Oh, I get it.
- Sally.
- Yeah.
You know how you've always
wanted to show off the new house?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, how would you
like to give a party?
I mean a really
posh party.
Invite the prominent.
All 65 of them, and
their diamonds.
What are you up to?
Oh, nothing.
"Oh, nothing."
Freddie thinks he might be
able to identity the Dutchman.
You're kidding.
Freddie...
Uh, excuse me, have you seen
an extra ball around here?
- No, we haven't.
- Oh, okay.
[whispering]
Do you think he was listening?
Let me talk to Freddie
about the party.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay, I'll be here.
[exclaims]
How's Sally?
Oh, she's having
a wonderful time.
Say, Freddie, we'd
like to give you a party
in San Francisco.
Invite some of our
well-jeweled friends.
The kind of a party that someone
like the Dutchman couldn't resist.
Are you free?
Sounds like a ball.
(Sally)
Mac, look out!
Look out.
My wife, uh, just got
out of the rough.
(Mac)
Hey, Freddie,
you're really gonna
love San Francisco.
Yeah?
I want you to know you can
change your mind any time.
Uh, don't worry
about me, baby.
I've been
missin' the ring.
I'm ready for
a little action.
That about does
it, Commissioner.
Yeah.
It sure does.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome, sir.
- See you in the shower.
- Okay, baby.
Oh, champ, I've been
lookin' all over for you.
(Freddie)
Oh, hi, Boris,
I ran into a buddy.
Yeah? Well, I got a
couple of buddies
that are just dying
to meet you.
So get dressed,
and make it quick.
Sorry, Boris, after
we get through here,
my friend wants me to
have a drink with him.
Look I don't care what
your friend wants.
I'm the one who's footin' the bills
around here. And it's what I want.
And I want you to get it on down to the
clubhouse and meet these guys, champ.
And we can have
our drink later on.
No, we'll have
it as planned.
Get lost, Boris. Get
yourself another champ.
Now don't you make the mistake
of trying to knock on my door later.
I never knocked on your
door in the first place, buster.
You did all
the knockin'.
There goes your
meal ticket.
Who's hungry?
[chuckling]
Since when did you start hanging around
with police commissioners, Freddie?
Oh, Mac wasn't
always one.
He just got to be one
somewhere along the line.
Mmm-hmm?
How come you?
Well, I've met a lot of
pe... people in my time
and I got a
memory for faces.
Oh, I got to
tell you, Bull,
that's the worst
massage I ever had.
How do you
keep your job?
Just another
pretty face.
[groaning]
Okay, Johnny, take
your break now.
Right.
Who is June, Freddie?
I thought you knew her.
She sure seemed
like she knew you.
That's always
happening to me.
I am forever reminding people of
someone they think they know.
I hope we didn't talk too much
about the Dutchman in front of her.
- Can she be trusted?
- Well, I hope so.
She's the daughter of an
LA Police Commissioner.
Oh, that June.
[gun firing]
Have you any
enemies, Freddie?
I didn't think so, but that
would indicate "yes."
The sooner I get you into police
custody, the better I'll feel.
(Freddie)
Usually flying makes me nervous,
but today I find
it very soothing.
I usually find it
soothing, too,
but I wish that somebody would
tell me what the rush is all about.
It's important to get
Freddie to San Francisco
as quickly and as safely
as possible, that's all.
"That's all." You're, uh,
you're telling me "that's all,"
but I know
there's more to it.
The reason you're
telling me "that's all"
is because you don't
want to frighten me.
That's right. Because when I
do tell you, it does frighten you.
- Somebody's trying to kill us.
- No.
Oh, I feel
better already.
Somebody's
trying to kill me.
Mac.
You're frightened.
Well, why would anybody
want to kill Freddie?
The Dutchman.
Look at that
jerk, will you?
Miles of nothing, and
he's crowding us.
Hey, Red Baron,
whoever you are,
you're crowding the
air lane. Watch it!
[machine gun firing]
[firing continues]
If that's the Dutchman, he
really intends to get me.
[machine gun firing]
(Sally)
Mac! Bob's hit!
Mac, can you
fly this thing?
I am gonna try.
Hey, I don't see
the Red Baron.
Maybe we lost him when we went
through those clouds back there.
Mac, that was
first class.
How many lessons
have you had?
Six.
You did that with
six lessons?
That's wonderful.
You haven't heard what
number seven was.
How to land.
(Mac)
Hello?
Hello, anyone.
(Mac)
Mayday, mayday.
Come in, anyone.
Level her out.
You're killing me.
You came to just in time
for lesson number seven.
How do you feel?
Not good.
You feel strong
enough to land it?
I think I'm about
to black out again.
Before you black out,
can you tell me
how to land this?
I can't. Call control
towers for instructions.
I can't. The
radio's out.
It's sprung a
gas leak, too.
I will have to land
it somewhere.
There, looks like
a good place.
Here, Sally, read
me the checklist.
A checklist.
Checklist. Read
the checklist.
"Before starting engine. Before
taxiing. Before taking off."
That's the
pre-flight check.
Read me the part
about landing.
"Climb. Cruise.
Before landing...
Oh, here it is, okay.
"Before landing."
"Gear down locked."
(Mac)
Gear down...
Locked.
(Sally)
"Green light visual."
Green light visual.
"Hyd. Pres."
What's that?
(Mac)
Uh, hydraulic pressure.
Oh, oh.
Uh, "Gear and systems."
Pressure is okay.
"Mixtures. Auto rich."
Full rich. Okay.
"Prop controls.
Low pitch."
Prop control. Low pitch.
Wow. You got that good.
Uh, "Flaps
one-quarter down."
Flaps, one-quarter down.
Uh, "No smoking
sign up."
Oh, Sally!
You said to read the list.
It's right here on the list.
All right, Sally,
that completes it.
Hold tight, everyone.
[alarm buzzing]
What's that?
Red light.
The landing gear's
coming back up.
I must have hit the switch
when I set the flaps.
Okay. Landing gear
down. Green light on.
Here we go.
Come on, number seven.
[tires screeching]
Mac, that was fantastic.
Beautiful job, Mac.
Beautiful.
Phew!
Fantastic!
Beautiful,
Mac, beautiful.
We... we made it?
Yeah. How do you feel?
Not any better. I don't suppose
we made it to San Francisco.
Not quite.
Listen, uh, the Commissioner
should be back in about two hours.
So you better take a look at this
group of characters one more time.
Okay, I'll get
right on it, Sarge.
[intercom buzzing]
Yes, Ann.
It's the Commissioner
on Line 4.
Thank you.
Hello, sir.
Yes, sir.
What?
You landed where?
You landed the airplane?
But wasn't that
dangerous, sir?
I will.
Goodbye, sir.
Ann,
I want a heli-ambulance
to Yorba Linda
to pick up a wounded pilot
and the Commissioner's party.
I'm gonna need six men to meet
them at the San Francisco airport,
I want a car for myself, and I want
four men to go the Hotel Taylor
and make security
preparations.
Yes, sir.
He landed it himself.
[clicks tongue]
Now, what about
the plane?
All we know is that it
was a stolen plane, sir,
and that they deserted
it in the desert.
Well, it ain't much,
but it's safe.
[chuckles]
Sure, baby, that's
what my manager said
when he arranged
my last fight.
You mean, with that
kid called Clay?
Right.
Well, I'll try not to lead you
into a mismatch, Freddie.
Come on, Enright, we
got some shopping to do.
What a marvelous dinner.
Here,
try this on for dessert.
What is it?
Oh, Mac, that's
gorgeous.
It fits perfectly.
You've never done anything
like this before. Thank you.
Thank you.
Except, you
can't keep it.
It goes back
after the party.
I know. It's just that you've never
done anything like this before.
I just... Oh, excuse
me. Back later.
Oh, Mildred, come here and
see what Mac bought me.
Wow, what a rock.
What'd that set you
back, Commissioner?
50 big ones, Mildred.
$50,000?
But be careful
who you tell it.
We wouldn't want a visit
from our local jewel thief.
Might be a little
embarrassing.
Got the message,
Commissioner.
So, what's the occasion? I didn't miss
your birthday, did I, Mrs. McMillan?
No occasion, Mildred.
Boy, you did something that
bad, huh, Commissioner?
I just happen to
love my wife.
Well, sure.
Don't we all?
Five.
- Four.
- Four.
- Three.
- Three.
- Two.
- Two.
Contact. She's
calling Agnes.
Then in
alphabetical order,
Beatrice, Clarissa,
Dot, and Elizabeth.
It'll be inside the back door of every
home on the hill before midnight.
Oh, would you like
to look at our list,
how it's coming
along so far?
Mmm-hmm.
Peter Childs. What's
he doing on the list?
You know I
hate his food.
Darling, he's
the in caterer.
In caterer. Yes, I know.
You know, he could
be the Dutchman.
You know, he's been
at all the parties.
And he's always the first to
arrive and the last to leave.
But somehow I can't
see the Dutchman
slaving over a
hot kitchen stove.
You've never made
Crab Rangoon.
It takes a very
light touch.
Okay, I'll put him down.
Right under the surgeon who
does a knot with one hand.
Do you think he could
be the Dutchman?
That's a possibility.
One of the things we know
about the Dutchman is,
he's very adept with his
hands, as is the surgeon.
Well, then you better
put down the matador.
Remember what Sgt. Enright said about
how handy he was with the cape?
Everybody's suspect.
This party is
getting exciting.
I'm going to have to go
out and look for a dress.
To go with my ring.
Well, I can't very
well go to a party
with John Thomas
Clarke and his mistress
without looking special.
And that's another
one. Clarke.
Think of the dexterity needed
to make those mobiles.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
You're just suspicious of everyone
who wants to give me lessons.
- Yeah, right.
- Lessons.
Oh, I'm booked for a
golf lesson tomorrow.
That does it. I'm
going to bed
before I say something
I might regret.
It's early. You, uh, don't have to
come to bed if you don't want to.
Darling, I'm not going
to take golf lessons
to follow you all
around the course,
and then not
follow you to bed.
[chuckling]
[Mac exclaims]
Okay. Straight back.
Well, I think that's all for
today, Mrs. McMillan.
Tell me, Buck,
am I getting any better?
No.
I'll see you
on Thursday.
Yeah. Thanks a lot.
All right.
Good, good,
Mrs. Wilson. Fine.
- Mrs. McMillan?
- Yeah?
[gagging]
It was found on the
windshield of her car, sir.
We also found the
car that they used.
It was stolen.
No fingerprints.
We're checking with our
underworld contacts, sir,
but, again, so
far nothing.
I'm afraid we're going
to have to treat this
like any other
kidnapping, sir.
We'll just have
to wait till they
get in touch with us,
and then we can set up
arrangements for the swap.
If the Dutchman is determined
to get me, he will. Now or later.
And if you ain't careful, it
could be me and Sally.
Now, stop worrying
about me, will you?
I can take care of
myself. But she can't.
Look, Mac, I never backed
away from a match in my life.
I want to tangle
with the Dutchman.
I was the champ, baby.
You're forgettin' that.
So,
that's the way
it's gonna be.
Hey, Mac, I'm
a free agent.
There ain't no way that
you can hold me here.
So you either arrange that swap
right now with the Dutchman,
or I'm walkin'
out of here
and makin' my
own deal with him.
And you know I can.
I want that lady of yours
back where she belongs.
I don't like the company
she's keepin' right now.
Oh.
I don't suppose this stuff
looks as bad as it tastes.
I know you're there.
I can hear you
breathing.
How long is this silent
treatment gonna last, anyway?
I don't suppose I could
reach you with a little, uh...
I guess not.
You're right. Why
bother to make friends?
We have no time.
And I'm gonna be out of here
by tomorrow anyway, right?
Right?
Hello.
Thanks, Freddie.
[car engine starting]
[tires screeching]
[siren wailing]
(Enright)
Is the policeman
who accidentally
shot O'Neal
- on suspension, Commissioner?
- Yes, he is.
Mrs. McMillan, I know
how you must feel,
but would you mind
giving us a statement?
I didn't see anything. I was
blindfolded the whole time.
They had, uh,
uh, those stocking things over their
heads when they kidnapped me.
But how... how many
men were there?
(woman)
Mrs. McMillan?
I don't know. Two, uh,
two, uh, in the car...
Mrs. McMillan?
I don't know,
Mac. I don't know.
Can't we just go home?
I don't wanna answer anymore.
Yes, of course.
Is it true that Freddie
O'Neal was your only lead
in all these recent
jewel thefts?
Yes, it's true.
I'll give you a
statement in a minute.
Honey, um...
The Mayor insists I
make a full report.
Why don't you
go on home?
I'll join you as
soon as I can.
Can we ask her just a
few more questions?
Not now, not now,
she's exhausted.
Take her home, Tom.
[car engine starting]
Uh, what about O'Neal?
Did he agree to the swap
or was he
forced into it?
He insisted on
it, gentlemen.
Wait a minute, Commissioner.
We still don't...
And so, a stray bullet
by a policeman,
in the tragic confusion of the
swap for Mrs. Sally McMillan,
cost the battling Irishman,
Freddie O'Neal, his life.
But we repeat,
Police Commissioner McMillan's
wife has been safely returned.
Thank you, George,
for your on-the-spot report.
Tonight, a tribute
to a real champion,
this station is
proud to present
highlights of Freddie
O'Neal's boxing career.
This was Freddie's
first match,
professional,
against Kid Larson.
He won by a knockout
on the fifth round
and established himself
as a major contender.
Within a period
of six years,
Freddie O'Neal had
fought 14 main events.
Hello, Mildred.
How is she?
I gave her a double
shot of hot milk
and a little
sleeping pill.
Something ought to work.
Freddie's fans will remember
his bout with Dick Armstrong,
when he scored a spectacular
knockout in the seventh round
and earned him the shot of the
middleweight championship.
[people cheering]
He shocked the
boxing world
by defeating Hell Stenson for
the middleweight championship.
This fighting Irishman
had a heart of gold
and a helping hand
for any friend in need.
He had great confidence in
the young people of today.
Whenever he
wasn't in training...
Sally.
Ann, try Mrs. McMillan for
me again will you, please?
I just did, sir. The
line's still busy.
And that's with two
phones in the house.
She slept all night.
She's been talking
all morning.
I haven't had a
chance to talk to her.
Keep trying, Ann.
Oh, thank you so much.
Uh, if you'll give me your
number, maybe I could call you
as soon as the arrangements
have been made.
All right. Thank
you very much, sir.
Goodbye.
[sighs]
More telegrams.
How many people do you
suppose the lrishman knew?
Incredible.
Who do you suppose
they all are?
What do they do?
Well, this one is
signed Sugar Lalure.
I can guess
what she does.
You think they all will
be at the funeral?
Well, sure, everybody
loves a fighter.
There aren't
many left today.
Poor Freddie.
He certainly did die
the way he lived.
I wish there was something
I could do for him.
To really thank him.
Well, he'll have
a nice funeral.
And that's all any
lrishman asks of life.
Mildred, that's it.
We're going to
have a wake.
A real Irish wake.
And we're gonna invite
all of Freddie's friends.
All of them?
Even Sugar Lalure?
All of them.
They were all friends of Freddie's
and he would want them there.
Listen, Mrs. McMillan,
I've spotted some
pretty well-known
gamblers in there
and some out and
out gangsters.
Well, any friend of
Freddie's... Oh, sure.
Commissioner
McMillan, please.
Well, we're not gonna put
out that silver we polished.
Oh, yes, we are.
It's gonna be a
very elegant wake.
[buzzing]
Yes, Ann.
Mrs. McMillan on three.
Thank you. Hi, honey.
Hi, Mac.
You wouldn't believe
the telephone calls
and the telegrams we've
had about Freddie.
How are you? Okay?
I'm gonna be fine,
especially now.
I've come up with a
lovely idea for Freddie.
Oh?
Mac, we're gonna have
a wake for Freddie.
A real Irish wake.
And we're gonna
have it at our house,
and we're gonna
invite all of his friends.
What do you think?
Don't say no.
Oh, uh, no, I...
I was just, uh...
You haven't really met any
of his friends, you know.
I know, but I've talked to
most of them on the phone.
The phone hasn't
stopped ringing all day.
Please, Mac.
Well, then, it's
not a bad idea.
It's a good idea.
Go ahead, begin
making plans.
Freddie deserves
the best.
Thanks, Mac.
I'll be right home. I have something
very important to tell you.
And, Sally, I think
it's a great idea.
I knew you'd be
pleased, Mac.
Bye.
We may get our shot at
the Dutchman, after all.
How's that, sir?
We're going to have a
wake for Freddie O'Neal.
Oh.
A wake?
That's where the
casket is open, isn't it?
Yes, I know.
Would you please stop
crying, Mr. Tippalino?
All right, Tippy.
I know. It was a great
loss for all of us.
Y-y-your brother.
Yes, you know, I had
that same feeling myself.
Hi, darling.
- Hi.
- No, no, no,
I wasn't, I
was, uh, um...
Your cousins felt
the same way, too?
Oh.
Well, sure, we'd be
glad to have them.
Here, let me put
it down, okay.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
It was an honor
talking to you, too.
Okay, Tippy. Bye-bye.
Tippy?
Were you talking to Louie
Tippalino, the restaurant owner?
He is such a sweet man.
He is the biggest
crook in town.
Why isn't he in jail?
That's how crooked he is.
He makes it look legal.
But I had to invite him
to Freddie's wake.
He sent such
a sweet wire.
Look, about
the guest list.
Why don't we
invite the people
we were going to invite
to Freddie's party, too?
How do you like that?
That would be
a fabulous idea.
Freddie would
have liked that.
You know, also I think it'll
add a little class to our wake.
That's just the
way he put it.
Our wake could
use a little...
He put it?
What?
When?
Why don't you sit down, Sally,
and I'll pour you a drink?
I don't wanna sit down and I
certainly don't want a drink.
Freddie's alive.
I think I'll sit down.
And I'll pour
you a drink.
I think I'll drink it.
What do you mean
Freddie's alive?
Our men were
using blanks.
The whole thing was
staged to make it look real.
How could you do that?
It was a terrible thing to put
you through, Sally, but I had to.
Couldn't you trust me enough
to have let me in on it?
Oh, sure,
if I'd known where you
were, I'd have phoned you.
You always let me
in on everything.
You could have given
me a signal, in the alley.
You could have winked.
Oh, sure.
See,
it had to be a perfect
performance to fool the Dutchman.
And he was out there
somewhere, watching.
You, Freddie,
me, all of us.
I couldn't risk it after
what you'd been through.
And the only way to
keep Freddie alive
was to convince the Dutchman
that Freddie was dead.
I can understand that.
- Where is Freddie now?
- Safe.
Out of sight and under
police protection.
And looking forward to the
wake more than anybody.
With the exception
for the Dutchman.
Is he gonna be there?
Well, that's what
we're counting on.
We'll have mourners wearing
diamonds of every shape and size,
begged, borrowed,
and stolen, probably.
With Freddie
playing dead
and identifying the
Dutchman at the same time?
Mac.
We could do it,
and we're counting
on you, too.
Oh, now that I know
Freddie is alive, I'll be fine.
Sorry I got so
upset before.
Oh, I can
understand that.
Come on.
Oh, Mac, I think have come
up with a clue myself.
Yeah?
Of course, I couldn't
see or hear anything
when... when I
was hostage,
but I could taste,
and they fed me a
stew that was so awful
that if she ever
cooked for me again,
I know that I
could spot her.
She? Why do
you say "she"?
Why do I say "she"?
Why do I say "she"?
I don't know. You're
the one who said it.
What are you doing?
I'm sniffing.
Well, I can tell
you're sniffing,
but why are
you sniffing?
[sniffing]
Perfume.
There was perfume
everywhere they took me.
That's why I said "she."
Mac, that's it.
The Dutchman is
a Dutchwoman.
It's a possibility.
Could you recognize
that perfume?
Odor, please, odor.
It's unforgettable.
I'll tell you
another thing.
I was very discreet
when I was sniffing.
I remember being
very discreet.
I'm almost sure that no one
knew that I was sniffing.
Aren't you proud of me?
I've cracked the case.
Yeah, it's a beginning.
Your real work comes
tomorrow night
when you have to sniff your
way through that wake.
Oh, I can't wait to get
a look at that woman
that would wear that
kind of perfume.
Oh, her escorts
must be drugged
by the end of
the evening.
Maybe that's
her technique.
How would you like to see
a little bit of my technique?
[chuckles]
- Okay?
- Okay. Are you?
[exclaims]
Let's see.
Oh, it looks
so confining.
Well, it's soft.
- How about one for the road, Freddie?
- Oh, yeah.
Think you could
figure some way to slip me
a couple of these
while I'm on the road?
[laughs]
Oh, this is something I
never thought I'd see.
Well, it ain't bad.
A lot more comfortable than
some beds I've been in.
I think you look cute.
I bet you say that
to all the corpses.
She does.
Except this is the first time
a corpse has talked back.
Are you really
comfortable, Freddie?
Yeah, except...
I don't know why I had
to come in formals.
(Sally)
Oh, that was my idea. Lie down.
I'm a little nervous
about that mirror.
Oh, I think it's great.
I can see practically
the whole room here.
Sure. Practically the
whole room can see you.
What if they catch
you breathing?
The flowers are to
put all over the top.
I'm going to take
these candelabra
and put them close so
people can't get close.
- Good idea.
- I counted the silver,
and I'm gonna count it again
when the evening is over.
- Here, Sally.
- Got you.
Ready, Freddie?
[laughs]
I hope you're
not allergic.
You can't call me
canvas-back now.
[Sally chuckling]
This is one
fight you lost.
Here you go.
What do you think?
Do I get up when
the bell rings?
(Sally) You know what?
I think it's gonna work.
I can't even tell
he's breathing.
[people chattering]
Dreadful house.
I don't know which
I despise more,
the exterior or
the interior.
I don't mind the house so
much as I do the people.
It's a whole new
breed of parasites.
Funeral crashing.
[continue chattering]
[sniffing]
[inhales]
Any luck?
Not yet.
Watch it, I can see
your lips moving.
[sobbing]
I still don't think this is
such a good idea, boss.
I mean, the Police
Commissioner's own home.
I'd risk anything for
Freddie O'Neal.
Yeah?
I ain't never met
no lrishman,
alive or dead, worth
going to jail for.
I have never seen
so much drinking
at a party for
a live person.
Is this your first wake?
And my last.
I'm going to
be cremated.
Oh, ladies, be sure and
try the Crab Rangoon.
And, you there, speed
it up with the coffee.
[sniffing]
Commissioner,
I'd like to take several of these
characters in for questioning right now.
I know what you
mean, Enright.
He looks almost as good
dead as he did alive.
He looks better.
I'll take that.
What?
That carving set
up your sleeve?
Oh, I'm with the
catering service.
I'm with the Police
Commissioner.
[cutlery clinking]
[people chattering]
Who was he, anyway?
I have no idea.
You're the one that
accepted the invitation.
- It's me.
- Oh, hi, Mildred.
Here lies a man who says
he never threw a fight.
To Freddie O'Neal,
a fake and a fraud.
Uh, what's your name?
Enright, ma'am.
"Enright, ma'am."
Oh, that's a
beautiful name.
I really like that name.
♪ He was born and
raised in Ireland ♪
♪ in a place called
Castlemaine ♪
[all chattering]
[hiccupping]
Are you getting smashed?
No.
You're fogging
up the mirror.
Any luck?
Still sniffing.
But you're ready.
You're ready.
Who needs Las
Vegas, you name it...
Hey, Mac.
Mac, remember when you
said any time I need a favor?
Listen, you're
really ready.
And I don't want
to coerce you.
[sighs]
If I snap my fingers...
Listen to him.
Why don't you gentlemen
have a drink in the bar?
Anything you say,
Commissioner.
Excuse me, but, uh, where
do I know you from?
Well, I have been working
on this picture at Universal.
This party is
worse than yours.
I agree.
Mrs. McMillan.
Sally, you really must do
something about that cold.
Oh, Frances, it's just one
of those 24-hour bugs.
I'm sure it'll be
gone tomorrow.
♪ which brought
him to the ground ♪
♪ And turning
round to Davis ♪
♪ he received
a fatal wound ♪
♪ A bullet pierced his
brave young heart ♪
Well, Frances,
a familiar face.
Thank goodness.
Isn't this the most
ghastly party
you've ever been in?
And the people here...
You know, there's this
one dreadful woman
who goes
around sniffing.
- Has she sniffed you?
- Um, yes.
Well, you know, anytime
you accept an invitation
to a police
commissioner's home,
you have to be
very careful.
[chuckling]
[women laughing]
Mrs. McMillan.
It's the beams.
I never hoped I'd
be lucky enough
to find my hostess
in all of this.
- She's the hostess in this thing?
- Lanthie.
Oh, that's okay. I agree
with Miss Simms.
This is a
terrible party.
Well, not really,
as wakes go.
Well, couldn't
we go, John?
Uh, you'll have to
forgive Lanthie.
She's not at her
best at parties.
Or anywhere else,
for that matter.
Bull, I think you
forgot one thing.
Always living in
the past, Lanthie.
I, uh, hope you haven't
lost your interest
in mobiles,
Mrs. McMillan.
I'd love you to come to
my studio tomorrow,
if you can get away.
I wish I could get
away right now.
Well, I think we could
arrange that, too.
Oh, uh, uh, tomorrow
would be fine.
Good. Shall we say
about noon, then?
Fine.
Bye.
Now, watch.
Doctor, you're not
doing your good old
one-handed knot
trick again, are you?
But this gentleman
begged me
to show it to him,
Commissioner.
He did.
[woman screaming]
Did I hurt you, fella?
[woman yelling]
What's the matter?
My earrings are gone.
How could they
be, Frances?
Your ears are pierced.
You're telling me!
[crying]
I told you this
was a bad idea.
Okay, let's blow.
(Mac)
Hold it, everybody!
Hold it, everybody!
Enright, lock the doors.
All right now. Wait
just a minute.
All right, everybody.
The ladies will go upstairs, please.
The gentlemen will
stay down here.
We know the procedure,
Commissioner.
Mac, what is
the procedure?
Procedure?
After a fruitless search
and dismal failure
and after the Dutchman
has been victorious again,
we are going to
get smashed.
[glasses clinking]
(newscaster on TV)
San Francisco's master jewel thief
struck again last night.
And this time
at the home of
Police Commissioner
Stewart McMillan.
Stolen was a pair of earrings
valued at US$100,000,
removed from the pierced ears
of Mrs. Frances Mayerling,
wife of the famed financier,
Carter Mayerling.
The heist took place at the wake
of battling, Freddie O'Neal,
accidentally gunned
down by police
as he was being
exchanged
for the kidnapped wife of
the Police Commissioner.
A search of all the
guests proved futile,
and San Francisco's
mysterious jewel thief
has been successful
once again.
(Mac) Great picture.
Who turned that on?
I think it's been
on all night.
[clock ticking]
[clock stops ticking]
Oh, that's better.
(Mildred)
I'll set it later.
Uh, uh,
should I bring
either of you,
you'll pardon
the expression,
something to eat?
Oh, that's where
the icepack is.
I was bringing
it to you.
Oh, never mind.
I think if I just sit down,
that... that ought to do it.
[sighs]
Oh.
Uh, I... I was watching
the late show.
E-excuse me.
Goodbye, Doc.
Good heavens, I'm
late for surgery.
Who was that?
Just another guest who
didn't know when to leave.
[groaning]
Oh, I'm never giving
another party.
I can't get that
clock into focus.
I can't even get
you in focus.
I wonder what
time it is.
[groans]
I told John Thomas Clarke
that I'd drop by the studio
for a lesson in mechanical
mobiles at 12:00.
The way your
hands are shaking?
Well, it's modern
art, Mildred.
I think shaking hands
could be an asset.
First, you've got a morning
of sniffing ahead of you.
Oh, Mac, even my
nose has a hangover.
I'm sorry, Sally,
but your nose is the
only clue we've got.
[sniffing]
No, this isn't it.
Madam, if you could just
be a little more specific.
Well, that's all
I can tell you.
You know, you've already
sniffed $30 worth.
- Mac?
- Did you find it?
No, darling. Could you
please pay this lady $30?
Oh, hi, Mac.
- Hi.
- Oh, well, seeing it's you,
we're such old
friends. No charge.
Has she always been
this reasonable?
Uh,
no,
well, at least...
I'm sorry. This is very
new and quite unique.
Uh, I'm not the regular
girl here, you know.
No, this isn't it.
But it's very nice.
Do you have
anything else?
Uh, uh, just a moment.
Here, try these.
Oh.
This is very
unusual. Here.
This is it?
No.
What's this called?
Oh, dear.
That's my medicine.
You know, maybe I
should try to find you
somebody with a little
bit more experience.
Um,
if you could just
describe to someone
who knew exactly
what she wanted.
Uh, just a
moment, please.
Isn't she cute?
I like her.
Yeah. But she does
seem a little incompetent.
I know, but I like her because
she doesn't know you.
Can I help you? I...
Oh.
Hi, Mac.
Ah, yes, what we
wanted was someone
with a little more
experience.
May I help you, sir?
Oh! Hello, Mac, it's
nice to see you again.
Oh, no, no. That's
not for you, honey.
Why don't you try
some of this, huh?
I don't think we'll find
anything here, Mac.
Wait a minute.
What is it? This is
it, this is the odor.
- That's a man's cologne.
- I know. That's what's so strange.
I thought it was a perfume but
it turns out it was a cologne.
I'll take that, please. Charge
it. We're on to something.
[knocking on door]
Freddie. Freddie,
wake up. Wake up.
Oh, hi, Mac. I
wish I were dead.
I don't think I can live
through another wake.
Here, smell this.
Now you want me to
smell like Bull Dunham?
Bull uses this
cologne, doesn't he?
He did that day
at the Springs.
Do you know where he's
staying while he's in the city?
He said he was
at Rocky's.
Rocky's Gym?
Uh, uh, Mac, is
that the... the smell
that Sally was
looking for?
Yeah, I think so.
You think Bull's
the Dutchman?
No, he's not
that bright,
but he could be working for
the Dutchman or something.
I'm going to Rocky's.
You know, if... if
Bull thinks that
you're pumping him, you
just forget how to talk.
I'm going to tell him how thoughtful
you were to remember him in your will.
That bum? After he insulted
me at my own wake?
[groans]
Freddie thought
a lot of you, Bull.
Oh, the poor guy.
One of the last
things he said was
he wanted to give you
his boxing gloves.
The first pair
he ever used.
He wanted to
give 'em to me?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'll mail them to you
down at the Springs.
Yes, swell.
I'll hang them on the wall
in the massage room.
Uh, put a picture of
Freddie up there, too.
Hey, Freddie
would like that.
I'm gonna miss that bum.
We all are.
Nice cologne, Bull.
Hey, lower your
voice, will you?
I've been taking enough razzing
from bums in here about this smell.
No, I like it.
- You do?
- Yeah, where can I buy some?
I don't know.
If you want some, I'll ask
Mr. Clarke where he gets it.
Mr. Clarke?
You know, that
sculptor guy.
Oh, John Thomas Clarke.
Oh. Present?
The last time he
was at the Springs,
he just brought it down.
When was that, Bull?
The same time you...
[stammers]
What is it you want, anyway,
Mr. Commissioner? You know, I...
One of the first
things I want is
to put you under
arrest, Bull.
[grunting]
Hey, nice swing,
fella. Got a manager?
- All you need...
- All I need is a phone.
[hissing]
[knocking on door]
Come on in. The
door is open.
[door opens]
Mrs. McMillan.
Welcome.
- Hi.
- How are you?
The artist at
work, I see.
Well, I'm afraid it's a little
more than a trade these days.
Created by the demands
of the marketplace.
Art is nothing
but a business.
Well, a very good
one for you.
This is a
fantastic studio.
Yes, it is very
well equipped.
How do you like my
latest monstrosity?
Electrically run.
I call it
Cycle of Life.
The title alone
doubles the price.
[sniffs]
You like my cologne?
Yes.
Do you know that I
have been looking
for that scent for
my husband?
Isn't it a coincidence that
you happen to have it on?
Uh...
And last night
at the wake,
were you looking
for it then, too?
Last night?
Lanthie told me you
were sniffing all evening.
I assumed you had a cold.
Now I realize you didn't.
No, I do.
[sneezes]
I thought it was one of those
24-hour things, you know.
But I guess I'm gonna
have it for a while.
Maybe I better go before
I expose you, you know.
Oh, Mrs. McMillan, I suspect
I'm already exposed.
You're the Dutchman.
I'm the Dutchman.
Uh, uh...
How do you do it?
I mean... I mean, wh-what
with all those detectives
looking at the safe
and everything.
Illusion, my dear,
like my mobiles.
You think you see
something when you don't.
No one saw me take the diamond
at the party because I didn't.
I took it just
before the party,
when I came to
install the mobile.
But society creates
its own heroes.
Everyone wanted to
believe I could open a safe
in full view of a crowd.
That excited them
tremendously
and so they believed it.
Oh.
Mac! Mac!
[grunting]
[screams]
Sally.
Mac.
[groans]
Mac, the Dutchman.
Look.
How are you?
Fine.
I'd like to shake
hands with...
I know what you mean.
My hands were
bandaged for a month
after my fight with
Stonehead Kelly.
- Oh, yeah?
- Stonehead Kelly?
That's how I got
the bandages.
You better give me
a big hug, Freddie,
'cause I think my hands
are gonna be out of action
for the next
couple of weeks.
- Uh, may I?
-Oh, yeah.
[car horn honking]
Oh, I think
that's my cab.
We're gonna miss
you, Freddie.
- Have a good time in Waikiki.
- Oh, I will.
I've spent several weeks
on the cuff with Mugsy.
He's first class.
It ain't such a bad
life, sweetheart.
Dropped your
guard again?
[chuckling]
- Stay well now.
- Bye, Freddie. Aloha.
(Freddie)
Bye.
Isn't Freddie great?
We're really gonna miss him.
Did you really mean
that, about my being
out of action for weeks?
Well, Mac, it
is a little tricky
with bandages
on your hands.
Mmm-hmm.
Look, Ma, no hands.
Looks good.
Mmm-hmm.
Then, after the
case, no lunch.
Two hours with the
Chamber of Commerce,
three hours
with the Mayor,
which leaves very
little time to...
drink and be merry,
to say nothing of eating.
Well, darling, you can do all
three at the Mayerlings' party.
Peter Childs
is catering.
Oh, no, not Crab
Rangoon again.
I can't decide
which is worse.
His food or him.
Why does he always have
to cater to these parties?
Well, he's very
in. Very in.
Maybe we'll be lucky. There
might not be any food left.
We're late enough.
Oh, Mac, no.
It looks like we're
right on time.
Not another
robbery, not tonight.
It wouldn't be so bad if
I wasn't always invited.
And then, they're
giving food right now.
[men chattering]
Mr. Mirian.
This is an outrage!
Yes, sir.
I shall issue a
formal complaint.
Yes, sir. Mr. Mirian, are you
the decorator of this house?
- That is correct.
- That includes
the installation
of the wall safe?
I arrange for
everything.
I will not tolerate
interference.
I cannot even
bear suggestions.
Yes, sir, but I would like to
ask you a few questions
about the installation
of the wall safe.
Do these look like the
hands of a laborer?
I arranged
for its purchase.
I did not install it.
Thank you, sir. You
can get dressed now.
[men chattering]
Uh, have you... have
you seen this one?
Uh, give me your finger.
[thunder rumbling]
I call this my one-hand
appendectomy knot.
Oh-oh, thank
you, Doctor.
Anytime.
Oh, good evening,
Commissioner.
- Good evening, Enright.
- Mrs. McMillan.
Well, sir, I suppose
that you can tell.
- I can tell. Same pattern?
- Same pattern.
I was also checking
the guest list.
- Same list?
- Same list.
What's with your
police, Commissioner?
I can't go to party in San
Francisco without stripping.
You object to that?
I'd think some people
would be above suspicion.
[thunder rumbling]
Who is he?
Edmond Lake.
Matador. Amateur.
Oh, that explains it.
You know, when I got here he was
chasing a redhead around with a cape,
saying that he wanted
her ears for a trophy.
If I know Lake, that wasn't
the part of her he was after.
There is Frances. I am gonna
talk to her for a minute.
Listen, so we've
checked all the guests
and managed to insult most
of them in the process.
Mmm-hmm.
Frances, I'm so sorry.
How's Carter taking it?
You know Carter.
He can't bear to
lose anything.
Once a year he makes me take an
inventory of everything in the house.
Frances, Carter, we'd like
to ask you a few questions,
- if you're up to it.
- I'm not up to it.
I may never be up to
anything ever again.
It was a terrible party,
even before Frances
insisted on opening the safe.
Now, why did you
open the safe?
To show off her
diamond. Why else?
Well, he never
lets me wear it.
So at least I can show
it off to a few friends.
But when you opened the
safe, the diamond was gone?
T-t-the case was there, but
the diamond was gone.
How many others know the
combination to the safe?
(Frances)
He's the only one.
I don't know why anybody
would attempt a theft
right in the middle of
a party full of people?
Our thief likes
nothing better
than performing
before a crowd.
It's part of his style
and signature.
This is the worst evening of
my life, Frances. The worst.
Oh, Peter, I thought you
catered the Parkins' party.
They were burgled
after dinner.
Would you care for hors
d'oeuvres, Mrs. McMillan?
No, thank you.
Commissioner?
I believe you even
missed them.
Yes, we did.
The worst evening
in my entire life.
Frances, I'm going home.
The worst evening
in his life?
(Frances)
Come along, Sally.
I want to show
you something.
And I want you to tell
me that it's wonderful.
I didn't know you
had anything left.
Oh, he only took
the diamond.
It was just a
teeny little thing.
Oh?
What do you
think of this?
Well, uh,
I like it.
I don't understand
it but I like it.
Oh, I don't
understand it.
Carter hates it because
he doesn't understand it.
But I don't think you have to
understand something to love it.
Don't you agree?
Yes, I do. In
this case, I do.
I like it very much.
You stay here. I am going to
introduce you to the sculptor.
John Thomas.
John Thomas.
I want to introduce
you to someone.
Sally McMillan, this is
John Thomas Clarke.
How do you do? I was
just admiring your work.
It's always a pleasure to
meet someone who does.
I can see that gleam in
your eyes, John Thomas.
Let me caution you.
Don't propose
anything unlawful.
Sally's married to our
police commissioner.
Well,
I must get back to,
uh, dear old Carter.
So, you really
like my mobile?
Yes, I do. Very much.
Frances doesn't
understand it, you know.
She says she loves it, but
she doesn't understand it.
I really prefer
Carter's attitude.
He says he hates it.
That's because
he understands it.
Well, you know, I've always
been fascinated by mobiles.
The thing that I don't understand
is, how they're done.
You really must, uh, come
by my studio one day.
I'll show you exactly
how it's done.
I'd love to.
John Thomas?
I... I think that woman
is calling you.
Where? I have a little
trouble with my vision.
Oh, really? You'd never
know it from your work.
Oh, well, it's an asset.
I can only see one
woman at a time.
You've been
here all afternoon
installing that
hateful mobile.
Now, please, can we
not stay all night?
Lanthie hates my mobile,
that's because she
understands it.
Uh, Mrs. McMillan, I'd like
you to meet Eolanthe Simms.
Lanthie, Mrs. McMillan
is interested in art.
Well, you've never introduced
me to a woman who wasn't.
[chuckles]
Come on, John, let's go.
I mean, the whole night has been
a flop from beginning to end.
And I've just been absolutely
assaulted by a policeman.
Uh, first, go over and tell Frances
that you had a good time,
and tell her that you are
sorry about her diamond.
Well, I had a
terrible time,
and I'm not sorry
about her diamond.
As a matter of fact, I
think it was the high point
of this whole
disastrous evening.
Then lie to her.
You know how you
love to do that.
The insurance investigator checked
the safe before the party began, sir,
and he says that the
diamond was still there.
Did you investigate
the investigator?
Yes, he's
all right, sir.
Now, the diamond had to be taken
by somebody who was at the party.
I mean, six robberies
in seven months?
You are right, sir. We're
dealing with a master burglar
who loves to
perform in public.
All right, let's run
down the list again.
- Fats Lieberman.
- Still in San Quentin.
- Massanti.
- Still dead.
It always leads right
back to the Dutchman.
Hey, darling.
He's the only one who can
operate in this manner.
Yes, but, sir, no one's heard from
the Dutchman in the last 10 years.
We're hearing
from him now.
How many of these people
were at those other parties?
Well, by my
accounting, about 65.
It's the favorite after-dinner
entertainment of the black-tie circuit.
Only they're laughing
less and less.
I really didn't
need to hear that.
Well, you're lucky,
Commissioner.
At least you won't have
to be here in the morning
when the Chief has to face
the Mayor and the press.
Would you rather
be in Palm Springs
facing a national convention
of police commissioners?
Darling, you'll have to face them
when you get back anyway.
I really didn't need
to hear that, either.
[rain pattering]
[car engine starting]
(Mac)
Good night, Enright.
(Enright)
Good night, have a good trip.
Are you sure you want to
play golf your first day here?
You're going to play
golf, aren't you?
Yeah, but you hate golf.
[chuckles]
But I love you.
Anyway, everybody plays golf
in Palm Springs. It's very in.
Boy, it sure is
pretty down there.
[people chattering]
[music playing]
Mmm, good timing.
Thank you.
(both) Arriba. Abajo.
Al centro. Al dentro.
Mac. Mac McMillan.
Freddie O'Neal!
You're still dropping
your guard.
- Good to see you.
- How are you?
Fine. What are
you doing here?
I'm here with Boris Potter,
the used car king of LA.
Why, you're
looking good.
Oh, Freddie, I'd like you
to meet my wife, Sally.
This is Freddie O'Neal.
So you're the little lady
that nailed him, huh?
I hate to tell you
how many tried.
I hate to tell you
what they're missing.
Nice to meet you, champ.
No, just ex-champ now.
Now I am strictly
a golfing buddy.
Hey, there's somebody I want
you to meet. June, come here.
Mac! Hey, it's great
to see you again.
- How are you?
- Oh, I am fine.
Uh, uh.
Huh?
Uh, y-you remember
my wife, Sally.
Oh. Sure, Mac.
Whatever you say.
Are you game... Have
you met with everybody?
Why don't we make
it a foursome?
- Yeah. Fine. check the starter.
- I'll fix us with the starter.
Uh, sit down.
Hey, Allan, bring them
over here, will you?
How long are you gonna
be here, Freddie?
Oh, for a week.
At least that's what
the man says.
What man?
Boris, the
used car king.
Oh, you work for him?
Well, in a... in a manner of
speaking. I golf with him.
Oh, he's your friend.
No, I wouldn't give
him the honor
of calling him
my friend.
I don't think I'm following
this conversation.
Haven't you ever heard
of a golf bum before?
I know a tennis bum.
Is that the same thing?
Something like
that, yeah, except,
usually, tennis bums
have been champs at tennis.
Now, a golf bum can have
been a champ at anything.
I'm a boxing champ, who
works the golf circuit.
Works it?
Yes, that's right.
I go from watering
hole to watering hole.
Wherever a guy is
willing to pick up the tab.
For a weekend or a week.
He gets to introduce the
champ as his golfing buddy,
and I get to stay
in the best hotels,
plus a little cash
on the side.
I do all right.
Oh.
It isn't as degrading as it
sounds, really, sweetheart.
I'm a trophy to
'em, I know that.
But they need a trophy,
and I need the bread.
We're all set.
Tee-off time.
You're still a
big knocker?
Well, we'll see.
Sounds like hustlers
talking to me.
Listen, uh,
June and I will give you
three strokes a side,
we'll adjust it at the end of
nine, maybe $200 nassau.
Good.
(Sally)
Nice shot, Mac.
- Okay, Sally.
- Boy!
That was fabulous.
I hope mine goes there.
Oh.
Listen, I
think I'll walk.
(Mac)
Okay.
There's nothing lonelier
than the game of golf.
Would you believe she's
been taking lessons?
Not only that,
she's improved.
[both chuckling]
Hey, I've been readin' about
that jewel thief of yours.
Sounds like you got
yourself quite an operator.
Yeah, he's
good all right.
Have you been able to
trace any of the loot?
We've checked every known
fence and the diamond cutters.
I've just about decided
he's cutting them himself.
Right, he could be.
Beautiful.
Nice shot, Mac.
Nice, Freddie.
- Very nice.
- That's my partner.
Okay, Sally,
sock it to them.
I played that
just right.
He told me, "Look
down." I looked down.
"Don't take your
eye off the ball."
I didn't take my
eye off the ball.
I kept my arm straight.
I think Sally ought to take
an axe with her in there.
You know, thinking
about the way
your thief loves to
perform at parties,
he kind of reminds
me of the Dutchman.
Remember him?
Yeah.
Who is the Dutchman?
One of the biggest
jewel thieves in Europe,
till lnterpol made
it too hot for him.
What does he look like?
Yeah, if we knew,
we'd grab him.
No one's ever even
seen a photo of him.
I saw him once.
You did?
Yeah. It was on my
triumphant European tour.
I remember thinkin'
he looked so young
to be doin' so well.
- You saw him, huh?
- Yeah.
Would you recognize him
if you saw him again?
Why? I think so.
I think I'll pay
my wife a visit.
(Freddie)
Right. See you on the green.
Sally.
Oh, Mac, you're
gonna love it here.
It's so secluded.
Here, let me show you.
Better stand
a little closer.
I am standing close.
Can't get any closer.
Well, the golf pro always
does when he teaches me.
- I pay for that?
- Darling, it's worth it.
I couldn't even get into the
trees before he began.
Standing so close.
Right.
Okay, now, look.
Like that. See?
Oh, I get it.
- Sally.
- Yeah.
You know how you've always
wanted to show off the new house?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, how would you
like to give a party?
I mean a really
posh party.
Invite the prominent.
All 65 of them, and
their diamonds.
What are you up to?
Oh, nothing.
"Oh, nothing."
Freddie thinks he might be
able to identity the Dutchman.
You're kidding.
Freddie...
Uh, excuse me, have you seen
an extra ball around here?
- No, we haven't.
- Oh, okay.
[whispering]
Do you think he was listening?
Let me talk to Freddie
about the party.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay, I'll be here.
[exclaims]
How's Sally?
Oh, she's having
a wonderful time.
Say, Freddie, we'd
like to give you a party
in San Francisco.
Invite some of our
well-jeweled friends.
The kind of a party that someone
like the Dutchman couldn't resist.
Are you free?
Sounds like a ball.
(Sally)
Mac, look out!
Look out.
My wife, uh, just got
out of the rough.
(Mac)
Hey, Freddie,
you're really gonna
love San Francisco.
Yeah?
I want you to know you can
change your mind any time.
Uh, don't worry
about me, baby.
I've been
missin' the ring.
I'm ready for
a little action.
That about does
it, Commissioner.
Yeah.
It sure does.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome, sir.
- See you in the shower.
- Okay, baby.
Oh, champ, I've been
lookin' all over for you.
(Freddie)
Oh, hi, Boris,
I ran into a buddy.
Yeah? Well, I got a
couple of buddies
that are just dying
to meet you.
So get dressed,
and make it quick.
Sorry, Boris, after
we get through here,
my friend wants me to
have a drink with him.
Look I don't care what
your friend wants.
I'm the one who's footin' the bills
around here. And it's what I want.
And I want you to get it on down to the
clubhouse and meet these guys, champ.
And we can have
our drink later on.
No, we'll have
it as planned.
Get lost, Boris. Get
yourself another champ.
Now don't you make the mistake
of trying to knock on my door later.
I never knocked on your
door in the first place, buster.
You did all
the knockin'.
There goes your
meal ticket.
Who's hungry?
[chuckling]
Since when did you start hanging around
with police commissioners, Freddie?
Oh, Mac wasn't
always one.
He just got to be one
somewhere along the line.
Mmm-hmm?
How come you?
Well, I've met a lot of
pe... people in my time
and I got a
memory for faces.
Oh, I got to
tell you, Bull,
that's the worst
massage I ever had.
How do you
keep your job?
Just another
pretty face.
[groaning]
Okay, Johnny, take
your break now.
Right.
Who is June, Freddie?
I thought you knew her.
She sure seemed
like she knew you.
That's always
happening to me.
I am forever reminding people of
someone they think they know.
I hope we didn't talk too much
about the Dutchman in front of her.
- Can she be trusted?
- Well, I hope so.
She's the daughter of an
LA Police Commissioner.
Oh, that June.
[gun firing]
Have you any
enemies, Freddie?
I didn't think so, but that
would indicate "yes."
The sooner I get you into police
custody, the better I'll feel.
(Freddie)
Usually flying makes me nervous,
but today I find
it very soothing.
I usually find it
soothing, too,
but I wish that somebody would
tell me what the rush is all about.
It's important to get
Freddie to San Francisco
as quickly and as safely
as possible, that's all.
"That's all." You're, uh,
you're telling me "that's all,"
but I know
there's more to it.
The reason you're
telling me "that's all"
is because you don't
want to frighten me.
That's right. Because when I
do tell you, it does frighten you.
- Somebody's trying to kill us.
- No.
Oh, I feel
better already.
Somebody's
trying to kill me.
Mac.
You're frightened.
Well, why would anybody
want to kill Freddie?
The Dutchman.
Look at that
jerk, will you?
Miles of nothing, and
he's crowding us.
Hey, Red Baron,
whoever you are,
you're crowding the
air lane. Watch it!
[machine gun firing]
[firing continues]
If that's the Dutchman, he
really intends to get me.
[machine gun firing]
(Sally)
Mac! Bob's hit!
Mac, can you
fly this thing?
I am gonna try.
Hey, I don't see
the Red Baron.
Maybe we lost him when we went
through those clouds back there.
Mac, that was
first class.
How many lessons
have you had?
Six.
You did that with
six lessons?
That's wonderful.
You haven't heard what
number seven was.
How to land.
(Mac)
Hello?
Hello, anyone.
(Mac)
Mayday, mayday.
Come in, anyone.
Level her out.
You're killing me.
You came to just in time
for lesson number seven.
How do you feel?
Not good.
You feel strong
enough to land it?
I think I'm about
to black out again.
Before you black out,
can you tell me
how to land this?
I can't. Call control
towers for instructions.
I can't. The
radio's out.
It's sprung a
gas leak, too.
I will have to land
it somewhere.
There, looks like
a good place.
Here, Sally, read
me the checklist.
A checklist.
Checklist. Read
the checklist.
"Before starting engine. Before
taxiing. Before taking off."
That's the
pre-flight check.
Read me the part
about landing.
"Climb. Cruise.
Before landing...
Oh, here it is, okay.
"Before landing."
"Gear down locked."
(Mac)
Gear down...
Locked.
(Sally)
"Green light visual."
Green light visual.
"Hyd. Pres."
What's that?
(Mac)
Uh, hydraulic pressure.
Oh, oh.
Uh, "Gear and systems."
Pressure is okay.
"Mixtures. Auto rich."
Full rich. Okay.
"Prop controls.
Low pitch."
Prop control. Low pitch.
Wow. You got that good.
Uh, "Flaps
one-quarter down."
Flaps, one-quarter down.
Uh, "No smoking
sign up."
Oh, Sally!
You said to read the list.
It's right here on the list.
All right, Sally,
that completes it.
Hold tight, everyone.
[alarm buzzing]
What's that?
Red light.
The landing gear's
coming back up.
I must have hit the switch
when I set the flaps.
Okay. Landing gear
down. Green light on.
Here we go.
Come on, number seven.
[tires screeching]
Mac, that was fantastic.
Beautiful job, Mac.
Beautiful.
Phew!
Fantastic!
Beautiful,
Mac, beautiful.
We... we made it?
Yeah. How do you feel?
Not any better. I don't suppose
we made it to San Francisco.
Not quite.
Listen, uh, the Commissioner
should be back in about two hours.
So you better take a look at this
group of characters one more time.
Okay, I'll get
right on it, Sarge.
[intercom buzzing]
Yes, Ann.
It's the Commissioner
on Line 4.
Thank you.
Hello, sir.
Yes, sir.
What?
You landed where?
You landed the airplane?
But wasn't that
dangerous, sir?
I will.
Goodbye, sir.
Ann,
I want a heli-ambulance
to Yorba Linda
to pick up a wounded pilot
and the Commissioner's party.
I'm gonna need six men to meet
them at the San Francisco airport,
I want a car for myself, and I want
four men to go the Hotel Taylor
and make security
preparations.
Yes, sir.
He landed it himself.
[clicks tongue]
Now, what about
the plane?
All we know is that it
was a stolen plane, sir,
and that they deserted
it in the desert.
Well, it ain't much,
but it's safe.
[chuckles]
Sure, baby, that's
what my manager said
when he arranged
my last fight.
You mean, with that
kid called Clay?
Right.
Well, I'll try not to lead you
into a mismatch, Freddie.
Come on, Enright, we
got some shopping to do.
What a marvelous dinner.
Here,
try this on for dessert.
What is it?
Oh, Mac, that's
gorgeous.
It fits perfectly.
You've never done anything
like this before. Thank you.
Thank you.
Except, you
can't keep it.
It goes back
after the party.
I know. It's just that you've never
done anything like this before.
I just... Oh, excuse
me. Back later.
Oh, Mildred, come here and
see what Mac bought me.
Wow, what a rock.
What'd that set you
back, Commissioner?
50 big ones, Mildred.
$50,000?
But be careful
who you tell it.
We wouldn't want a visit
from our local jewel thief.
Might be a little
embarrassing.
Got the message,
Commissioner.
So, what's the occasion? I didn't miss
your birthday, did I, Mrs. McMillan?
No occasion, Mildred.
Boy, you did something that
bad, huh, Commissioner?
I just happen to
love my wife.
Well, sure.
Don't we all?
Five.
- Four.
- Four.
- Three.
- Three.
- Two.
- Two.
Contact. She's
calling Agnes.
Then in
alphabetical order,
Beatrice, Clarissa,
Dot, and Elizabeth.
It'll be inside the back door of every
home on the hill before midnight.
Oh, would you like
to look at our list,
how it's coming
along so far?
Mmm-hmm.
Peter Childs. What's
he doing on the list?
You know I
hate his food.
Darling, he's
the in caterer.
In caterer. Yes, I know.
You know, he could
be the Dutchman.
You know, he's been
at all the parties.
And he's always the first to
arrive and the last to leave.
But somehow I can't
see the Dutchman
slaving over a
hot kitchen stove.
You've never made
Crab Rangoon.
It takes a very
light touch.
Okay, I'll put him down.
Right under the surgeon who
does a knot with one hand.
Do you think he could
be the Dutchman?
That's a possibility.
One of the things we know
about the Dutchman is,
he's very adept with his
hands, as is the surgeon.
Well, then you better
put down the matador.
Remember what Sgt. Enright said about
how handy he was with the cape?
Everybody's suspect.
This party is
getting exciting.
I'm going to have to go
out and look for a dress.
To go with my ring.
Well, I can't very
well go to a party
with John Thomas
Clarke and his mistress
without looking special.
And that's another
one. Clarke.
Think of the dexterity needed
to make those mobiles.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
You're just suspicious of everyone
who wants to give me lessons.
- Yeah, right.
- Lessons.
Oh, I'm booked for a
golf lesson tomorrow.
That does it. I'm
going to bed
before I say something
I might regret.
It's early. You, uh, don't have to
come to bed if you don't want to.
Darling, I'm not going
to take golf lessons
to follow you all
around the course,
and then not
follow you to bed.
[chuckling]
[Mac exclaims]
Okay. Straight back.
Well, I think that's all for
today, Mrs. McMillan.
Tell me, Buck,
am I getting any better?
No.
I'll see you
on Thursday.
Yeah. Thanks a lot.
All right.
Good, good,
Mrs. Wilson. Fine.
- Mrs. McMillan?
- Yeah?
[gagging]
It was found on the
windshield of her car, sir.
We also found the
car that they used.
It was stolen.
No fingerprints.
We're checking with our
underworld contacts, sir,
but, again, so
far nothing.
I'm afraid we're going
to have to treat this
like any other
kidnapping, sir.
We'll just have
to wait till they
get in touch with us,
and then we can set up
arrangements for the swap.
If the Dutchman is determined
to get me, he will. Now or later.
And if you ain't careful, it
could be me and Sally.
Now, stop worrying
about me, will you?
I can take care of
myself. But she can't.
Look, Mac, I never backed
away from a match in my life.
I want to tangle
with the Dutchman.
I was the champ, baby.
You're forgettin' that.
So,
that's the way
it's gonna be.
Hey, Mac, I'm
a free agent.
There ain't no way that
you can hold me here.
So you either arrange that swap
right now with the Dutchman,
or I'm walkin'
out of here
and makin' my
own deal with him.
And you know I can.
I want that lady of yours
back where she belongs.
I don't like the company
she's keepin' right now.
Oh.
I don't suppose this stuff
looks as bad as it tastes.
I know you're there.
I can hear you
breathing.
How long is this silent
treatment gonna last, anyway?
I don't suppose I could
reach you with a little, uh...
I guess not.
You're right. Why
bother to make friends?
We have no time.
And I'm gonna be out of here
by tomorrow anyway, right?
Right?
Hello.
Thanks, Freddie.
[car engine starting]
[tires screeching]
[siren wailing]
(Enright)
Is the policeman
who accidentally
shot O'Neal
- on suspension, Commissioner?
- Yes, he is.
Mrs. McMillan, I know
how you must feel,
but would you mind
giving us a statement?
I didn't see anything. I was
blindfolded the whole time.
They had, uh,
uh, those stocking things over their
heads when they kidnapped me.
But how... how many
men were there?
(woman)
Mrs. McMillan?
I don't know. Two, uh,
two, uh, in the car...
Mrs. McMillan?
I don't know,
Mac. I don't know.
Can't we just go home?
I don't wanna answer anymore.
Yes, of course.
Is it true that Freddie
O'Neal was your only lead
in all these recent
jewel thefts?
Yes, it's true.
I'll give you a
statement in a minute.
Honey, um...
The Mayor insists I
make a full report.
Why don't you
go on home?
I'll join you as
soon as I can.
Can we ask her just a
few more questions?
Not now, not now,
she's exhausted.
Take her home, Tom.
[car engine starting]
Uh, what about O'Neal?
Did he agree to the swap
or was he
forced into it?
He insisted on
it, gentlemen.
Wait a minute, Commissioner.
We still don't...
And so, a stray bullet
by a policeman,
in the tragic confusion of the
swap for Mrs. Sally McMillan,
cost the battling Irishman,
Freddie O'Neal, his life.
But we repeat,
Police Commissioner McMillan's
wife has been safely returned.
Thank you, George,
for your on-the-spot report.
Tonight, a tribute
to a real champion,
this station is
proud to present
highlights of Freddie
O'Neal's boxing career.
This was Freddie's
first match,
professional,
against Kid Larson.
He won by a knockout
on the fifth round
and established himself
as a major contender.
Within a period
of six years,
Freddie O'Neal had
fought 14 main events.
Hello, Mildred.
How is she?
I gave her a double
shot of hot milk
and a little
sleeping pill.
Something ought to work.
Freddie's fans will remember
his bout with Dick Armstrong,
when he scored a spectacular
knockout in the seventh round
and earned him the shot of the
middleweight championship.
[people cheering]
He shocked the
boxing world
by defeating Hell Stenson for
the middleweight championship.
This fighting Irishman
had a heart of gold
and a helping hand
for any friend in need.
He had great confidence in
the young people of today.
Whenever he
wasn't in training...
Sally.
Ann, try Mrs. McMillan for
me again will you, please?
I just did, sir. The
line's still busy.
And that's with two
phones in the house.
She slept all night.
She's been talking
all morning.
I haven't had a
chance to talk to her.
Keep trying, Ann.
Oh, thank you so much.
Uh, if you'll give me your
number, maybe I could call you
as soon as the arrangements
have been made.
All right. Thank
you very much, sir.
Goodbye.
[sighs]
More telegrams.
How many people do you
suppose the lrishman knew?
Incredible.
Who do you suppose
they all are?
What do they do?
Well, this one is
signed Sugar Lalure.
I can guess
what she does.
You think they all will
be at the funeral?
Well, sure, everybody
loves a fighter.
There aren't
many left today.
Poor Freddie.
He certainly did die
the way he lived.
I wish there was something
I could do for him.
To really thank him.
Well, he'll have
a nice funeral.
And that's all any
lrishman asks of life.
Mildred, that's it.
We're going to
have a wake.
A real Irish wake.
And we're gonna invite
all of Freddie's friends.
All of them?
Even Sugar Lalure?
All of them.
They were all friends of Freddie's
and he would want them there.
Listen, Mrs. McMillan,
I've spotted some
pretty well-known
gamblers in there
and some out and
out gangsters.
Well, any friend of
Freddie's... Oh, sure.
Commissioner
McMillan, please.
Well, we're not gonna put
out that silver we polished.
Oh, yes, we are.
It's gonna be a
very elegant wake.
[buzzing]
Yes, Ann.
Mrs. McMillan on three.
Thank you. Hi, honey.
Hi, Mac.
You wouldn't believe
the telephone calls
and the telegrams we've
had about Freddie.
How are you? Okay?
I'm gonna be fine,
especially now.
I've come up with a
lovely idea for Freddie.
Oh?
Mac, we're gonna have
a wake for Freddie.
A real Irish wake.
And we're gonna
have it at our house,
and we're gonna
invite all of his friends.
What do you think?
Don't say no.
Oh, uh, no, I...
I was just, uh...
You haven't really met any
of his friends, you know.
I know, but I've talked to
most of them on the phone.
The phone hasn't
stopped ringing all day.
Please, Mac.
Well, then, it's
not a bad idea.
It's a good idea.
Go ahead, begin
making plans.
Freddie deserves
the best.
Thanks, Mac.
I'll be right home. I have something
very important to tell you.
And, Sally, I think
it's a great idea.
I knew you'd be
pleased, Mac.
Bye.
We may get our shot at
the Dutchman, after all.
How's that, sir?
We're going to have a
wake for Freddie O'Neal.
Oh.
A wake?
That's where the
casket is open, isn't it?
Yes, I know.
Would you please stop
crying, Mr. Tippalino?
All right, Tippy.
I know. It was a great
loss for all of us.
Y-y-your brother.
Yes, you know, I had
that same feeling myself.
Hi, darling.
- Hi.
- No, no, no,
I wasn't, I
was, uh, um...
Your cousins felt
the same way, too?
Oh.
Well, sure, we'd be
glad to have them.
Here, let me put
it down, okay.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
It was an honor
talking to you, too.
Okay, Tippy. Bye-bye.
Tippy?
Were you talking to Louie
Tippalino, the restaurant owner?
He is such a sweet man.
He is the biggest
crook in town.
Why isn't he in jail?
That's how crooked he is.
He makes it look legal.
But I had to invite him
to Freddie's wake.
He sent such
a sweet wire.
Look, about
the guest list.
Why don't we
invite the people
we were going to invite
to Freddie's party, too?
How do you like that?
That would be
a fabulous idea.
Freddie would
have liked that.
You know, also I think it'll
add a little class to our wake.
That's just the
way he put it.
Our wake could
use a little...
He put it?
What?
When?
Why don't you sit down, Sally,
and I'll pour you a drink?
I don't wanna sit down and I
certainly don't want a drink.
Freddie's alive.
I think I'll sit down.
And I'll pour
you a drink.
I think I'll drink it.
What do you mean
Freddie's alive?
Our men were
using blanks.
The whole thing was
staged to make it look real.
How could you do that?
It was a terrible thing to put
you through, Sally, but I had to.
Couldn't you trust me enough
to have let me in on it?
Oh, sure,
if I'd known where you
were, I'd have phoned you.
You always let me
in on everything.
You could have given
me a signal, in the alley.
You could have winked.
Oh, sure.
See,
it had to be a perfect
performance to fool the Dutchman.
And he was out there
somewhere, watching.
You, Freddie,
me, all of us.
I couldn't risk it after
what you'd been through.
And the only way to
keep Freddie alive
was to convince the Dutchman
that Freddie was dead.
I can understand that.
- Where is Freddie now?
- Safe.
Out of sight and under
police protection.
And looking forward to the
wake more than anybody.
With the exception
for the Dutchman.
Is he gonna be there?
Well, that's what
we're counting on.
We'll have mourners wearing
diamonds of every shape and size,
begged, borrowed,
and stolen, probably.
With Freddie
playing dead
and identifying the
Dutchman at the same time?
Mac.
We could do it,
and we're counting
on you, too.
Oh, now that I know
Freddie is alive, I'll be fine.
Sorry I got so
upset before.
Oh, I can
understand that.
Come on.
Oh, Mac, I think have come
up with a clue myself.
Yeah?
Of course, I couldn't
see or hear anything
when... when I
was hostage,
but I could taste,
and they fed me a
stew that was so awful
that if she ever
cooked for me again,
I know that I
could spot her.
She? Why do
you say "she"?
Why do I say "she"?
Why do I say "she"?
I don't know. You're
the one who said it.
What are you doing?
I'm sniffing.
Well, I can tell
you're sniffing,
but why are
you sniffing?
[sniffing]
Perfume.
There was perfume
everywhere they took me.
That's why I said "she."
Mac, that's it.
The Dutchman is
a Dutchwoman.
It's a possibility.
Could you recognize
that perfume?
Odor, please, odor.
It's unforgettable.
I'll tell you
another thing.
I was very discreet
when I was sniffing.
I remember being
very discreet.
I'm almost sure that no one
knew that I was sniffing.
Aren't you proud of me?
I've cracked the case.
Yeah, it's a beginning.
Your real work comes
tomorrow night
when you have to sniff your
way through that wake.
Oh, I can't wait to get
a look at that woman
that would wear that
kind of perfume.
Oh, her escorts
must be drugged
by the end of
the evening.
Maybe that's
her technique.
How would you like to see
a little bit of my technique?
[chuckles]
- Okay?
- Okay. Are you?
[exclaims]
Let's see.
Oh, it looks
so confining.
Well, it's soft.
- How about one for the road, Freddie?
- Oh, yeah.
Think you could
figure some way to slip me
a couple of these
while I'm on the road?
[laughs]
Oh, this is something I
never thought I'd see.
Well, it ain't bad.
A lot more comfortable than
some beds I've been in.
I think you look cute.
I bet you say that
to all the corpses.
She does.
Except this is the first time
a corpse has talked back.
Are you really
comfortable, Freddie?
Yeah, except...
I don't know why I had
to come in formals.
(Sally)
Oh, that was my idea. Lie down.
I'm a little nervous
about that mirror.
Oh, I think it's great.
I can see practically
the whole room here.
Sure. Practically the
whole room can see you.
What if they catch
you breathing?
The flowers are to
put all over the top.
I'm going to take
these candelabra
and put them close so
people can't get close.
- Good idea.
- I counted the silver,
and I'm gonna count it again
when the evening is over.
- Here, Sally.
- Got you.
Ready, Freddie?
[laughs]
I hope you're
not allergic.
You can't call me
canvas-back now.
[Sally chuckling]
This is one
fight you lost.
Here you go.
What do you think?
Do I get up when
the bell rings?
(Sally) You know what?
I think it's gonna work.
I can't even tell
he's breathing.
[people chattering]
Dreadful house.
I don't know which
I despise more,
the exterior or
the interior.
I don't mind the house so
much as I do the people.
It's a whole new
breed of parasites.
Funeral crashing.
[continue chattering]
[sniffing]
[inhales]
Any luck?
Not yet.
Watch it, I can see
your lips moving.
[sobbing]
I still don't think this is
such a good idea, boss.
I mean, the Police
Commissioner's own home.
I'd risk anything for
Freddie O'Neal.
Yeah?
I ain't never met
no lrishman,
alive or dead, worth
going to jail for.
I have never seen
so much drinking
at a party for
a live person.
Is this your first wake?
And my last.
I'm going to
be cremated.
Oh, ladies, be sure and
try the Crab Rangoon.
And, you there, speed
it up with the coffee.
[sniffing]
Commissioner,
I'd like to take several of these
characters in for questioning right now.
I know what you
mean, Enright.
He looks almost as good
dead as he did alive.
He looks better.
I'll take that.
What?
That carving set
up your sleeve?
Oh, I'm with the
catering service.
I'm with the Police
Commissioner.
[cutlery clinking]
[people chattering]
Who was he, anyway?
I have no idea.
You're the one that
accepted the invitation.
- It's me.
- Oh, hi, Mildred.
Here lies a man who says
he never threw a fight.
To Freddie O'Neal,
a fake and a fraud.
Uh, what's your name?
Enright, ma'am.
"Enright, ma'am."
Oh, that's a
beautiful name.
I really like that name.
♪ He was born and
raised in Ireland ♪
♪ in a place called
Castlemaine ♪
[all chattering]
[hiccupping]
Are you getting smashed?
No.
You're fogging
up the mirror.
Any luck?
Still sniffing.
But you're ready.
You're ready.
Who needs Las
Vegas, you name it...
Hey, Mac.
Mac, remember when you
said any time I need a favor?
Listen, you're
really ready.
And I don't want
to coerce you.
[sighs]
If I snap my fingers...
Listen to him.
Why don't you gentlemen
have a drink in the bar?
Anything you say,
Commissioner.
Excuse me, but, uh, where
do I know you from?
Well, I have been working
on this picture at Universal.
This party is
worse than yours.
I agree.
Mrs. McMillan.
Sally, you really must do
something about that cold.
Oh, Frances, it's just one
of those 24-hour bugs.
I'm sure it'll be
gone tomorrow.
♪ which brought
him to the ground ♪
♪ And turning
round to Davis ♪
♪ he received
a fatal wound ♪
♪ A bullet pierced his
brave young heart ♪
Well, Frances,
a familiar face.
Thank goodness.
Isn't this the most
ghastly party
you've ever been in?
And the people here...
You know, there's this
one dreadful woman
who goes
around sniffing.
- Has she sniffed you?
- Um, yes.
Well, you know, anytime
you accept an invitation
to a police
commissioner's home,
you have to be
very careful.
[chuckling]
[women laughing]
Mrs. McMillan.
It's the beams.
I never hoped I'd
be lucky enough
to find my hostess
in all of this.
- She's the hostess in this thing?
- Lanthie.
Oh, that's okay. I agree
with Miss Simms.
This is a
terrible party.
Well, not really,
as wakes go.
Well, couldn't
we go, John?
Uh, you'll have to
forgive Lanthie.
She's not at her
best at parties.
Or anywhere else,
for that matter.
Bull, I think you
forgot one thing.
Always living in
the past, Lanthie.
I, uh, hope you haven't
lost your interest
in mobiles,
Mrs. McMillan.
I'd love you to come to
my studio tomorrow,
if you can get away.
I wish I could get
away right now.
Well, I think we could
arrange that, too.
Oh, uh, uh, tomorrow
would be fine.
Good. Shall we say
about noon, then?
Fine.
Bye.
Now, watch.
Doctor, you're not
doing your good old
one-handed knot
trick again, are you?
But this gentleman
begged me
to show it to him,
Commissioner.
He did.
[woman screaming]
Did I hurt you, fella?
[woman yelling]
What's the matter?
My earrings are gone.
How could they
be, Frances?
Your ears are pierced.
You're telling me!
[crying]
I told you this
was a bad idea.
Okay, let's blow.
(Mac)
Hold it, everybody!
Hold it, everybody!
Enright, lock the doors.
All right now. Wait
just a minute.
All right, everybody.
The ladies will go upstairs, please.
The gentlemen will
stay down here.
We know the procedure,
Commissioner.
Mac, what is
the procedure?
Procedure?
After a fruitless search
and dismal failure
and after the Dutchman
has been victorious again,
we are going to
get smashed.
[glasses clinking]
(newscaster on TV)
San Francisco's master jewel thief
struck again last night.
And this time
at the home of
Police Commissioner
Stewart McMillan.
Stolen was a pair of earrings
valued at US$100,000,
removed from the pierced ears
of Mrs. Frances Mayerling,
wife of the famed financier,
Carter Mayerling.
The heist took place at the wake
of battling, Freddie O'Neal,
accidentally gunned
down by police
as he was being
exchanged
for the kidnapped wife of
the Police Commissioner.
A search of all the
guests proved futile,
and San Francisco's
mysterious jewel thief
has been successful
once again.
(Mac) Great picture.
Who turned that on?
I think it's been
on all night.
[clock ticking]
[clock stops ticking]
Oh, that's better.
(Mildred)
I'll set it later.
Uh, uh,
should I bring
either of you,
you'll pardon
the expression,
something to eat?
Oh, that's where
the icepack is.
I was bringing
it to you.
Oh, never mind.
I think if I just sit down,
that... that ought to do it.
[sighs]
Oh.
Uh, I... I was watching
the late show.
E-excuse me.
Goodbye, Doc.
Good heavens, I'm
late for surgery.
Who was that?
Just another guest who
didn't know when to leave.
[groaning]
Oh, I'm never giving
another party.
I can't get that
clock into focus.
I can't even get
you in focus.
I wonder what
time it is.
[groans]
I told John Thomas Clarke
that I'd drop by the studio
for a lesson in mechanical
mobiles at 12:00.
The way your
hands are shaking?
Well, it's modern
art, Mildred.
I think shaking hands
could be an asset.
First, you've got a morning
of sniffing ahead of you.
Oh, Mac, even my
nose has a hangover.
I'm sorry, Sally,
but your nose is the
only clue we've got.
[sniffing]
No, this isn't it.
Madam, if you could just
be a little more specific.
Well, that's all
I can tell you.
You know, you've already
sniffed $30 worth.
- Mac?
- Did you find it?
No, darling. Could you
please pay this lady $30?
Oh, hi, Mac.
- Hi.
- Oh, well, seeing it's you,
we're such old
friends. No charge.
Has she always been
this reasonable?
Uh,
no,
well, at least...
I'm sorry. This is very
new and quite unique.
Uh, I'm not the regular
girl here, you know.
No, this isn't it.
But it's very nice.
Do you have
anything else?
Uh, uh, just a moment.
Here, try these.
Oh.
This is very
unusual. Here.
This is it?
No.
What's this called?
Oh, dear.
That's my medicine.
You know, maybe I
should try to find you
somebody with a little
bit more experience.
Um,
if you could just
describe to someone
who knew exactly
what she wanted.
Uh, just a
moment, please.
Isn't she cute?
I like her.
Yeah. But she does
seem a little incompetent.
I know, but I like her because
she doesn't know you.
Can I help you? I...
Oh.
Hi, Mac.
Ah, yes, what we
wanted was someone
with a little more
experience.
May I help you, sir?
Oh! Hello, Mac, it's
nice to see you again.
Oh, no, no. That's
not for you, honey.
Why don't you try
some of this, huh?
I don't think we'll find
anything here, Mac.
Wait a minute.
What is it? This is
it, this is the odor.
- That's a man's cologne.
- I know. That's what's so strange.
I thought it was a perfume but
it turns out it was a cologne.
I'll take that, please. Charge
it. We're on to something.
[knocking on door]
Freddie. Freddie,
wake up. Wake up.
Oh, hi, Mac. I
wish I were dead.
I don't think I can live
through another wake.
Here, smell this.
Now you want me to
smell like Bull Dunham?
Bull uses this
cologne, doesn't he?
He did that day
at the Springs.
Do you know where he's
staying while he's in the city?
He said he was
at Rocky's.
Rocky's Gym?
Uh, uh, Mac, is
that the... the smell
that Sally was
looking for?
Yeah, I think so.
You think Bull's
the Dutchman?
No, he's not
that bright,
but he could be working for
the Dutchman or something.
I'm going to Rocky's.
You know, if... if
Bull thinks that
you're pumping him, you
just forget how to talk.
I'm going to tell him how thoughtful
you were to remember him in your will.
That bum? After he insulted
me at my own wake?
[groans]
Freddie thought
a lot of you, Bull.
Oh, the poor guy.
One of the last
things he said was
he wanted to give you
his boxing gloves.
The first pair
he ever used.
He wanted to
give 'em to me?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'll mail them to you
down at the Springs.
Yes, swell.
I'll hang them on the wall
in the massage room.
Uh, put a picture of
Freddie up there, too.
Hey, Freddie
would like that.
I'm gonna miss that bum.
We all are.
Nice cologne, Bull.
Hey, lower your
voice, will you?
I've been taking enough razzing
from bums in here about this smell.
No, I like it.
- You do?
- Yeah, where can I buy some?
I don't know.
If you want some, I'll ask
Mr. Clarke where he gets it.
Mr. Clarke?
You know, that
sculptor guy.
Oh, John Thomas Clarke.
Oh. Present?
The last time he
was at the Springs,
he just brought it down.
When was that, Bull?
The same time you...
[stammers]
What is it you want, anyway,
Mr. Commissioner? You know, I...
One of the first
things I want is
to put you under
arrest, Bull.
[grunting]
Hey, nice swing,
fella. Got a manager?
- All you need...
- All I need is a phone.
[hissing]
[knocking on door]
Come on in. The
door is open.
[door opens]
Mrs. McMillan.
Welcome.
- Hi.
- How are you?
The artist at
work, I see.
Well, I'm afraid it's a little
more than a trade these days.
Created by the demands
of the marketplace.
Art is nothing
but a business.
Well, a very good
one for you.
This is a
fantastic studio.
Yes, it is very
well equipped.
How do you like my
latest monstrosity?
Electrically run.
I call it
Cycle of Life.
The title alone
doubles the price.
[sniffs]
You like my cologne?
Yes.
Do you know that I
have been looking
for that scent for
my husband?
Isn't it a coincidence that
you happen to have it on?
Uh...
And last night
at the wake,
were you looking
for it then, too?
Last night?
Lanthie told me you
were sniffing all evening.
I assumed you had a cold.
Now I realize you didn't.
No, I do.
[sneezes]
I thought it was one of those
24-hour things, you know.
But I guess I'm gonna
have it for a while.
Maybe I better go before
I expose you, you know.
Oh, Mrs. McMillan, I suspect
I'm already exposed.
You're the Dutchman.
I'm the Dutchman.
Uh, uh...
How do you do it?
I mean... I mean, wh-what
with all those detectives
looking at the safe
and everything.
Illusion, my dear,
like my mobiles.
You think you see
something when you don't.
No one saw me take the diamond
at the party because I didn't.
I took it just
before the party,
when I came to
install the mobile.
But society creates
its own heroes.
Everyone wanted to
believe I could open a safe
in full view of a crowd.
That excited them
tremendously
and so they believed it.
Oh.
Mac! Mac!
[grunting]
[screams]
Sally.
Mac.
[groans]
Mac, the Dutchman.
Look.
How are you?
Fine.
I'd like to shake
hands with...
I know what you mean.
My hands were
bandaged for a month
after my fight with
Stonehead Kelly.
- Oh, yeah?
- Stonehead Kelly?
That's how I got
the bandages.
You better give me
a big hug, Freddie,
'cause I think my hands
are gonna be out of action
for the next
couple of weeks.
- Uh, may I?
-Oh, yeah.
[car horn honking]
Oh, I think
that's my cab.
We're gonna miss
you, Freddie.
- Have a good time in Waikiki.
- Oh, I will.
I've spent several weeks
on the cuff with Mugsy.
He's first class.
It ain't such a bad
life, sweetheart.
Dropped your
guard again?
[chuckling]
- Stay well now.
- Bye, Freddie. Aloha.
(Freddie)
Bye.
Isn't Freddie great?
We're really gonna miss him.
Did you really mean
that, about my being
out of action for weeks?
Well, Mac, it
is a little tricky
with bandages
on your hands.
Mmm-hmm.
Look, Ma, no hands.
Looks good.
Mmm-hmm.