McMillan & Wife (1971–1977): Season 1, Episode 6 - Till Death Do Us Part - full transcript

[siren approaching]

(Enright)
Commissioner,

it's pretty messy
this time.

We're getting a
sample of the acid.

Carefully, I hope.

Very carefully.

Give us a statement,
Commissioner.

Come on, Commissioner.
Give us a statement.

Later.

Was it hydrosulfurous
acid in the water?

Later, gentlemen, later.



Is the Asylum Killer
a man or a woman?

Come on, were there
any witnesses?

Any leads on this one?

I just got here,
gentlemen. Later.

(Enright)
Commissioner, we found footprints again.

The usual overshoes?

Well looks like it. But I'm afraid
they're not gonna do us any good.

(Hank)
The Asylum Killer's footprints?

It looks that way.

Can't you just see him
standing there, watching.

In his last letter,
Commissioner, he said

he was always sorry when
one of his victim dies

because then he has
to plan his next one.

We're all sorry.



I've lost count,
Commissioner.

How many unsolved
cases does this make

that your department is trying
to pin on the Asylum Killer?

Before I answer that question
you'll have to rephrase it.

Rephrasing the question won't
change the answer, Commissioner.

And I haven't
lost count.

Five unsolved murders,
including this one.

How long are you going to let
one man terrify an entire city?

I hope you realize the kind of
coverage you're giving these killings

is only adding
to the hysteria.

A little less sensationalism
would be greatly appreciated

by your police
department.

Any leads, Commissioner?

- We'll get him.
- When, Commissioner?

In a week, a month?

My viewers are getting
a little edgy, you know.

Your telecasts are
getting me a little edgy.

You may tell your
viewers tonight that

- an arrest is imminent.
- Imminent?

Do you mean this is the
Asylum Killer's last murder?

Is that what
you're saying?

I'm saying, the next time
I have to see any of you

will be at the
press conference

I'll call when I
announce the arrest.

That's all, thank you.

When exactly will that press
conference be, Commissioner?

Anything yet, Phil?

I'm taking it back to the
lab now, Commissioner.

All right. Tom, get a report back
to me as soon as you can.

Yes, sir.

I shouldn't let the press
get to me like that,

but that Peter Jordan
would have his viewers

hysterical by nightfall

if I didn't say
something reassuring.

I thought you were
most reassuring, sir.

I feel much better.

I just hope that the
Asylum Killer hears

that he's committed
his last murder.

Yeah, and like
everyone else,

he believes everything
he hears on the news.

You think he's already
planning his next one?

I do.

If only there was
some connection

between all these
killings, a motive.

Anything.

At least we'd
have some way

of predicting who his
next victim might be.

Hey, I see you!

What do you do,
get your kicks

stealing the Police
Commissioner's paper?

I can see the news
on TV, you know.

[phone ringing]

This better be good.

Hello?

Oh, Mother, how are you?

[Emily chattering
on phone]

What?

I never won anything
before in my life.

I just couldn't
believe it.

Moon Mountain,
that's that new resort

that everybody's been
talking about, isn't it?

[Emily continues
chattering]

You're leaving
right now?

That's the way the
contest works, they said.

You have to be able
to go immediately.

And of course, I
am, so I said yes.

Except that tomorrow's
your birthday, of course.

I feel bad about that.

Don't worry about that. You can get me
something expensive when you get back.

Anyway, I'm sure that
Mac's got something

marvelous planned
for tomorrow night.

Mother, that's it.

The dinner was for
tomorrow night!

I'm not following you.

Oh, Mother,
wait a minute.

It all started
this afternoon

when I got a call from
Mei Ling's restaurant

telling me that my
husband wanted me

to meet him for
dinner there tonight.

Something about
a religious holiday,

that was
celebrated by...

Celebrated by men who
worship their wives.

[Emily chattering
on phone]

What do you mean, that
doesn't sound like Mac?

That sounds exactly
like Mac, Mother.

Anyway, I went.

But I ate alone. Mac
never showed up.

Well, now I realize it was the
restaurant that made the mistake.

Mac meant dinner
for tomorrow night.

Oh, yes, I'm sure that's
what happened, darling.

That does
sound like Mac.

Well, I have to hurry. See
you in a couple of days.

Okay, Mother, you have
a good time. Bye bye.

Of course that's it.

I can't remember
my own birthday.

Mildred!

Mildred, where are you?

Mildred!

Where are you?

Mmm.

Somebody having a party?
What's going on?

How sweet.

Where are my needles?

Oh, Mildred.

Did you have to take my
needles out of my knitting?

Mildred, where are you?

You win.

Lagging attendance
has forced

one of the most unique
double-headers in sports.

For the price of one, you'll
get a roller-skating race

and as soon as they
can clear the court,

a basketball game.

Now, if that doesn't get the
fans out, they'll get an ice rink.

Where are those needles?

...for a double-header of
basketball and ice hockey.

Tip from an old hand:

All that is really needed
to increase attendance

is a winning team. Pete?

Well, speaking of
double-headers,

the Asylum Killer promises
one next time, too.

In a letter sent directly to this
newscaster, earlier this evening,

the crazed murderer
boasts he'll deliver

his sixth and seventh
victims simultaneously

and in the
immediate future.

We go now to Marshall
Downs for a report

on what local citizens
are doing about it.

Just what kind of
dogs have people

been buying lately,
Mrs. Maxwell?

Uh, German shepherds
and Doberman pinschers,

and that's it.

And has the demand increased
over the last few weeks?

Oh, I should say so.

I'm selling about two
dogs a day now.

Before the Asylum Killer, I
was lucky to sell two a week.

Business is just great.

The failure of local police to
discover the identity of the murderer

clearly has
citizens in a panic.

No longer content to depend on San
Francisco's finest for protection,

they have begun
to arm themselves.

The city's three largest gun
stores report a run on rifles.

Now, back to Marshall
Downs for that report.

How is business,
Mr. James?

Well, booming.

[chuckling]
Bang, bang, booming.

Actually, I've never seen
anything like it before.

We're completely
sold out of rifles,

and so are our
competitors.

Then a citizen who doesn't
already have a rifle can't get one?

Oh, no, no, don't say
anything like that on the air.

We're expecting a big
new shipment tomorrow.

What do you think all this
gun-buying means, Mr. James?

Well, I know what
it means to me.

I'm not gonna be out on
the streets after dark.

Because of the
Asylum Killer?

No, no.

Because of the people
I'm selling the guns to.

Meanwhile, the police
continue their investigation

of this morning's
gruesome murder.

At the scene of
the fifth slaying,

Police Commissioner McMillan
had this to say in response

to a question from
your newscaster.

You may tell your
viewers tonight that

- an arrest is imminent.
- Imminent?

Do you mean this is the
Asylum Killer's last murder?

Is that what
you're saying?

I'm saying, the next
time I'll see any of you

will be at the
press conference

I'll call when I
announce the arrest.

That's all.

(Peter) There you have
it, ladies and gentlemen.

A promise from the
Police Commissioner,

and a challenge
to that promise

from the Asylum Killer.

Already proclaiming
two more victims

before an arrest
can be made.

There's no
doubt about it.

Hydrosulfurous acid with eight
percentage points mercury content.

There's only company
that makes it that way.

There's a list in here.

Uh, Allied General
Chemical Company.

[doorbell ringing]

Today, quick coverage
of the Bay Area news.

This has been KYES...

Hi, honey.
Sorry I’m late.

I called a couple of
times, but you were out.

Oh, really?

I bet if you try real hard,
you can guess where.

At dinnertime? I have
no idea. Where?

Oh, come on,
you're not trying.

Wherever it was,

you don't look as though
you were having any fun.

Want a drink?

No thanks.

Are you all right?

No.

It's not supposed
to show.

Not even to me?

You look a little down,

- wanna go out for dinner?
- Okay, that did it.

We've been out
to dinner, Mac.

To Mei Ling's.
Peking duck for two.

Is it coming back
to you now?

What are you
talking about?

Actually, the reason
that you may be

having such trouble
remembering

is because you
weren't there!

That does sound like
a logical explanation.

But you did make the
arrangements, didn't you?

Peking duck 24
hours in advance?

No, Sally, I didn't do
anything of the sort.

I don't even know
where you got the idea.

Well, I got the idea
from the restaurant.

They called me
this afternoon,

and they told me that my
husband would like me

to join him for
dinner there tonight.

And you went.
Just like that.

Well, Mac, they
said that you said

that it was a
religious holiday.

So it never occurred
to me to check.

Oh, what
religious holiday?

The religious holiday
celebrated by men

who worship their wives.

Come on, Sally,

that doesn't even
sound like me.

That's exactly
what Mother said.

Oh, she did?

I argued with her.

I told her I thought it
sounded exactly like you.

Sure you don't
want a drink?

I think I'll
have a drink.

[ice clinking]

Mac, if you didn't order
the dinner, then who did?

Probably somebody playing
a practical joke on you,

which I don't find very funny, either.
Did you eat the duck?

Well, they would have been offended
if I didn't, you know the Chinese.

- No, but how was it?
- Wonderful.

I wish I could've
made it, I'm starving.

I brought yours home.

It's in the oven,
warming.

You're a perfect wife.

Hmm.

Paper come tonight?

No, he got away
with it again.

I don't think that's
very funny, either.

Stealing the Police
Commissioner's paper.

He's just a dog, he
doesn't know who I am.

Well, it wasn't
a dog tonight,

unless he's taken
up wearing trousers.

I saw him dashing off with
it when I came home.

You saw a man
taking the paper?

Well, I didn't see him
actually taking it,

but the paper was gone, and
the man was running away.

What else could it be?

I think I'll
take a look.

[door slamming]

- Where did you find that?
- Behind the trees.

Where I told the paper boy to throw
it to keep it away from that dog.

Then that man wasn't
after the paper?

Oh, I'm sure he was.
He just didn't know where to look.

Well, I wish he'd
stolen the paper.

I wish someone had
stolen the television set.

Mac, you don't think the
Asylum Killer's gonna get away

with this new
threat, do you?

What new threat?

Well, it was
on television.

He wrote the station
another letter.

I wish he'd write us.

Well, he knows you
wouldn't give him

half the attention
the press does.

Nobody is giving him
more attention than I am.

I have men all over the
city trying to find him.

What did the letter say?

This time he promises two
victims to die simultaneously.

When did you hear that?

It was just on.

I'll call Enright.

You mean you
really don't know?

On the news it sounded like you
were ready to make an arrest.

I'm ready, all right.
I just don't know who to arrest.

[phone ringing]

Well, he's not there.

Well, here's
one for you.

What are you doing
opening my letter?

It's from Mildred.

I've been wondering
where she was.

This will certainly
tell you. It says:

"Grow tall ant hill tea bag
say apple tournament."

Sounds like Mildred.
Gotta see it to read it.

"Grow tall"...
go tall, go tall...

Got call. She
got a call.

"Ant hill"... ant
hill, ant hill...

A-Aunt ill.
Her aunt's ill.

"Tea bag say
apple tournament."

[muttering]

She'll be back the
day after tomorrow.

She got a call
that her aunt is ill

and she'll be back the
day after tomorrow.

Mmm-hmm.

- Where does her aunt live?
- Oh, they just moved again,

somewhere near
Bishop, I think.

Seen the letter opener?

Isn't it there?

- You sitting on it?
- No.

Oh, Mildred must have borrowed
it and forgotten to put it back.

Of course. All the food
in the refrigerator.

She used the letter opener on
the food in the refrigerator?

No. That's why she
prepared all that food.

The refrigerator's
stuffed.

That's to last us
until she gets back.

And speaking of food,
where's my duck?

I want you to give
it another minute.

I want it to
be just right.

I wonder what
she did with it?

You know, Sally,
I'm proud of you.

Proud of me? Why?

Not too long ago, if you'd
thought I'd stood you up

you wouldn't have been here now.
You'd have run to Mother.

Well, I might have this time,
except when I got home,

the phone was ringing, and it
was Mother telling me goodbye.

- I didn't know she was going anywhere.
- She wasn't going anywhere.

She won one of those
ridiculous telephone contests.

They asked her a question,
she answered it.

Well, now she's off
on a free weekend

at that new resort,
Moon Mountain.

Oh.

First Mildred,
now your mother,

looks like a
mass exodus.

You can hardly call my mother
and Mildred a "mass" anything.

I wish we had a sick aunt to get
us out of town for a few days.

I'd even settle for
an anemic cousin.

Well, I tried.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, Mac.

Acapulco?

I made arrangements
with the department

to be out of town
for a few days.

But obviously, now
we... we can't go.

You don't have to
explain it to me.

We'll keep the tickets, just
change the date of departure.

And tomorrow night I'll
take you out to dinner

some place you've
never been before.

And this time I will be
with you, I promise.

You don't have to take
me anyplace special.

I much prefer plain old
hamburger with you

to Peking duck
without you.

We're gonna make
tomorrow night an occasion.

Even if we never
leave the premises.

Oh, I like that part

about never leaving
the premises.

[phone ringing]

I didn't hear that.

I didn't get home in
time to hear that.

Nobody knows what
time I got home.

If I don't answer it, they'll
just call somebody else.

That's all.

[phone continues
ringing]

I'm too conscientious
for this job.

Hello, Enright here.

A telegram? Yeah,
go ahead, read it.

(in feminine voice)
"Tried unsuccessfully

"to reach you by
phone tonight.

"Have decided a weekend
off may do us both good.

"Am taking
Sally on a trip.

"Why don't you try it?

"See you on Monday,

Mac."

A trip? Well, I know
he's going on a trip.

I mean, I was there when
he picked up the tickets.

Huh, oh no, operator,
I wasn't talking to you.

But thank you, thank
you very much indeed.

[phone goes dead]

If you tell me what
you're looking for,

maybe I can be
more helpful.

I'll know it
when I find it.

It's bound to be a sale
between 80 and 100 gallons.

Wait a minute.

"Salymac."

Is that the name
of a company?

To tell you the
truth, I don't know.

You have a phone book?

Over there.

No Salymac company here.

Well, it's signed for
by a Mr. R. Salymac.

250 Trenton.

Thank you.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Ooh.

Ah. Oh.

Wait a couple of hours and I'll give
you some champagne to go with it.

Why do I have to wait?
You warming that, too?

Will you look in
the refrigerator?

There's a note on there.

Well, it's from Mildred,
you know I can't read it.

[chuckling] I know it.

It says "Happy
Birthday."

"To be consumed
at midnight

"to commemorate
yet another year,

Love, Mildred."

Makes it sound like
an anniversary.

Still, it's a good year.
Do we have to wait?

We do.

It's a nice way to
begin my birthday.

Mmm.

- Smells good.
- I know, it is good.

Forgot a fork?

Oh, shoot.

There aren't any knives.

Don't be ridiculous.

Of course
there's knives.

Mac, there aren't
any knives.

[chuckling] That's
what I said.

Hmm.

How is it?

Delicious.

[metallic clanging]

What are you doing?

Mac, there aren't
any knives.

Anywhere.

I'll check the sterling.

Mac, you don't think
that somebody's...

That's a
ridiculous idea.

The knives are
gonna be right here.

There aren't any knives.

Just silver.

Do you think this is
another practical joke?

Well, next year, I'm not gonna
tell anybody that it's my birthday.

Who did you
tell this year?

Nobody.

Mac, you don't think
it's a joke, do you?

Well, offhand, I'd say
we've been robbed.

The TV's here. I
was just watching it.

All the appliances
are here.

Isn't that what they
usually take first?

In better homes,
they've been known to.

The jewelry,
I'll check it.

I'll check
Enright again.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, Sgt. Enright.

How nice to hear from
you again tonight.

Loretta, I'm very, very sorry
about having to work late tonight.

Oh,

that's all right,
Sergeant.

When you canceled
our dinner,

I decided to spend the
evening with an old friend.

Oh, well I figured that
there was someone

waiting in line to
take my place.

But I'm glad you
got home early.

I never left home.

Oh, you mean, your friend
came over to your house?

[stuttering] Is
he still there?

I mean, uh, look, Loretta,
I can call back later.

No, I'm glad you called.

I missed being with
you tonight, Sergeant.

Yeah, so did I.

I mean, I missed being
with you, Loretta.

And I was kinda hopin' that
we could just leave tonight.

I've got reservations
and everything.

Uh, separate
rooms, of course.

Reservations?

Are we going
somewhere, Sergeant?

Well, the last time
I was with you,

you mentioned this trip you
were interested in taking.

Oh, Sergeant, you don't mean
Moon Mountain? I mean,

that's the trip
this season.

You... You got
reservations?

Well, I had to throw my
weight around a little,

but I got 'em.

Well, is that okay?

I mean, uh, is
it possible?

I mean,

will you, Loretta?

Tonight? Excuse me,

but I am talking to
Sgt. Charles Enright

of the San Francisco
Police, aren't I?

I-ls something wrong?
Y-You can't go?

Well,

it's... it's just such an
unexpected invitation.

I mean, especially coming
from you, Sergeant.

I've, I've never known
you to be so impulsive.

Oh, it's the first time
I ever have been.

And if you can't go, it's
probably gonna be the last.

Oh, I can go.

I've been waiting for
someone to invite me

to Moon Mountain ever
since it opened, but I...

never dreamed
it would be you.

Yeah, well,
neither did I.

Enright's still busy.

Stereo's there,
antiques, paintings.

Nothing is missing.

You sound disappointed.

Well, I am. It's a little bit
unflattering to be told

that your jewelry isn't
even worth stealing.

There're some really
nice pieces in here.

Camera's still here.

Mac, it just occurred to me,
that man who was outside.

He's the thief that invited us to
dinner, so he could burgle the house.

It wasn't a practical
joke at all.

That just occurred
to you, huh?

You'd already
figured it out.

Everything else probably
makes sense to you, too.

No, nothing else
makes sense.

Wait a minute.

The letter
opener's missing.

Oh, Mildred just
misplaced that.

No, of course, we just thought
that Mildred misplaced that.

Knives,

and a letter opener.

It's so strange,

you know, my knitting
needles are missing, too.

Knitting needles?

I was gonna knit
while waiting for you

to come home tonight, but
couldn't find my needles.

I found my knitting, but
couldn't find my needles.

Knitting needles,

knives,

a letter opener.

Scissors, Sally.

Scissors?

Of course, everything
else was sharp.

Razor blades.

- No scissors.
- Mine, too.

Let's check in
the kitchen.

No scissors, Mac.

My tools are gone.

Sharp objects.

Why, I just don't
understand it.

What other sharp
objects do we have?

The fireplace tools.

Oh Mac, I don't
understand this.

There's gotta be a logical
explanation to all this.

Oh good, what?

I don't know yet.

Let's go over
the facts again.

Well, there's only one
fact. We've been robbed.

First, you were treated
to a pre-birthday dinner

by a party unknown.

Who was trying to get us out of
the house so he could rob us.

Only he didn't take
anything of value.

Value to him is obviously
different than value to us.

He took only
sharp objects.

Obviously, he didn't
want us to cut...

What?

Ourselves, Mac?

I doubt that.

Could it have possibly
been Mildred?

Could she have
done something

with all of our
sharp objects?

Well, that's
good thinking.

When a housekeeper like
Mildred lives with you,

she's definitely a
suspect at all times.

I wonder if he's
still on the phone.

[phone ringing]

Now there's no answer.

It's not like the
good sergeant.

First he's out,
then he's in,

then he's out again.

[crickets chirping]

No, I... I always
keep this with me.

I feel naked without it.

Oh, like I feel
without my weapon?

I have a lot more in here
than just a weapon.

These are the big guns.

Eye shadow, make-up base,
wrinkle cream, milk cleanser.

Well, I promise
I won't steal it.

Okay.

[phone ringing faintly]

Champagne.

Sergeant, is this
the real you?

No, it isn't.

But then, it's not the
real Commissioner

to give me the
weekend off, either.

This is really quite
exciting, Sergeant.

Are you gonna call me
Sergeant all weekend, Loretta?

I love calling you
Sergeant. I mean,

I like that you're a
Sergeant, don't you?

Well, sure I do,

it's just that I wanna
forget it for the weekend.

I mean, I wanna let
Charlie Enright out to howl

for a couple of days.

Well, I find Charlie
Enright adorable, also.

You know, Loretta,
I, I really didn't think

that you were going
to come with me.

I mean, I really didn't
think that you would.

I mean, there must be
a whole line of fellows

just waiting to take
you to nice places.

Well,

a lot of guys call me, yes,
but you're my only Sergeant.

Sergeant.

- Mac?
- Hmm.

- I have solved it.
- Oh.

It was Mildred.

She took all our
knives to her aunt's?

No, she had
them sharpened.

Don't you see, some man
probably came to the door

and Mildred gave him everything
that we own to be sharpened.

Doesn't that sound
exactly like Mildred?

They'll be back tomorrow,
nice and sharp.

O-Only, why would she give
him my knitting needles

and the letter opener?

And the fire poker.

Only, that really sounds
like Mildred, too.

Doesn't it?

I suppose so, honey.

Mac, if it wasn't
Mildred then...

then the person who took
all those sharp objects

would have to be
insane, wouldn't he?

- Central?
- Central. Over.

412 here.

What's Commissioner
McMillan's address?

250 Trenton.

That's what I thought.

Thank you.

Mac, you know
that double murder

that the Asylum
Killer has planned?

You don't suppose he has
anybody special in mind, do you?

Now let's not get like everybody
else in San Francisco,

imagining
we're his next...

victims.

How about a drink?

The corkscrew and the bottle
opener are missing, aren't they?

Not even Mildred would have
those sent out to be sharpened.

Mac, I think I'll take you
up on that drink now.

[coughing]

It's so strong.

Just what are you trying
to take my mind off of?

It's what I'd like to
get your mind on.

- Arriba.
- Arriba.

- Abajo.
- Abajo.

- Al centro.
- Al centro.

Y Adendro.

Mmm.

Sally, I've got
a great idea.

Why don't we begin celebrating
your birthday tonight?

Let's check into a hotel,
have breakfast in bed,

spend the rest
of the day there,

and go out on the
town tomorrow night.

A real 24-hour
celebration.

What a tempting idea

especially the part about
spending the day in bed.

You always did know how
to make a girl an offer.

Then let's go.

Mac.

Next year.

I don't think the Police
Commissioner should be

chased out of his
house tonight.

No one's chasing me.

I wanted to take you
to Acapulco, didn't I?

But since we have
to stay in the city,

the least I can do is take
you to a hotel tonight.

You're only offering because
you think I'm scared.

Are you scared?

Yes.

Then let's go.

Mac.

Come here.

You can't run away
every time your wife

is a little scared.

That's what I
love about you.

If we stay, do you think
you'll be able to sleep?

Of course.

He didn't take
the bed, did he?

All right.

I'll get a patrol car to
cruise the neighborhood.

Nothing wrong with that.

As long as he
doesn't bother us.

[car engine faltering]

Um, why don't you
look under the hood?

Well, I don't think it would
do very much good.

How do you know?

Because everything
always looks fine

every time I look
under the hood.

Oh, you, too,
huh? Me, too.

- You too?
- Me too.

Oh, listen,

I was, uh, saving
this till later,

but we might as
well drink it now.

It would help to keep
us... keep us warm.

Uh, it's not on ice.

Well, that's okay,
because I am.

You know, I didn't know
which kind you'd prefer,

you know, the Piper's
or the... the Mumm's.

They're both good.

I mean, some people are
really very, very, very fussy.

[cork popping]

Excuse me.

They're really fussy about the kind
of champagne that they... they drink.

Oh, I know

I know some men who think they can't
get down anything but Dom Perignon.

I don't know that one.

Oh, it's good, too.

Oh.

Well, all I knew was is
that I wanted something...

Skal.

Something imported.
I wasn't gonna settle

for any of that
domestic stuff.

Hey that's...
really good.

Sally, you know
what I'm thinking?

You got a solution.

I'm thinking, maybe I should
go back into law practice.

[chuckling]
Oh, Mac.

Well, it would be
okay, if I could keep

my public life out
of my private one

but I can't seem
to do that.

It's exactly the
way I like it.

You know, I'm very
suspicious of men

who do not involve their
wives in their work.

And you know yourself,
that my dad said

that my mother could
put clues together

faster than he could.

I wish she were
here tonight.

Don't you find that
a little strange?

What?

Mother's not here.

Why would anybody want to
get my mother out of town?

She does have a way of
dropping in unexpectedly.

I never thought
that bothered you.

It doesn't. I love
your mother.

How nice!

[sighing] Still, I wish
that Mildred's aunt

could've held on until
Mother got back.

Do you have a phone
number for Mildred's aunt?

Just in case Mildred does
know where the knives are.

Not since she's moved.

Anyway, Mildred's not gonna get there
till tomorrow morning, she takes the bus.

Mac, you don't suppose
there's a possibility

that Mildred is gonna find
her aunt in good health?

A possibility that it's all
part of the same plan

that got me out of the house, so we
could be robbed, got us robbed,

and that got my mother out
of town for the weekend?

I think it's a
possibility

it's all part of
the same plan.

And it's also a possibility
that by the light of day

none of this will
seem so puzzling.

You are not trying to tell
me that you could sleep?

You wouldn't care to
join me, would you?

Well, it's not that
I couldn't sleep,

it's just that I did have this
book that I was dying...

dying to finish.

What book?

War and Peace.

I didn't know
you had started.

Oh, I haven't.

I just thought tonight would
be an ideal night to start it,

and to finish it.

Well, I... I...

probably couldn't
sleep, either.

You are so cute
when you lie.

- How about Scrabble?
- Scrabble, thanks a lot.

How can you keep your
mind on Scrabble?

Well, if I don't, you
know where it will be.

Well, I guess I’d, uh,

better call for help.

Call?

There's no one
around to hear you.

[chuckling] Well, I
have a car phone.

Of course, I wasn't planning
to use it on this trip.

But it's a lot faster than
calling an auto club.

You know,

I was telling my roommate about all the
advantages of dating a man like you.

And I didn't know
you had a car phone,

but I'll put that
on my list.

Your list?

Well, uh,

I'd sure like to
hear that list.

I mean, what does someone
like you see in a cop?

Well, I think
best of all,

I like that you
like being a cop.

You do, don't you?

Yes.

I mean, uh, why
else would I do it?

Now, I'm a model for
the money that's in it.

I don't know of any cops
that are in it for the money.

I don't think I've ever
gone with anyone

that could make
that statement.

Hello, operator?

This is Sergeant Charles Enright of
the San Francisco Police Department.

[giggling] It just gives me
goosebumps hearing you say it.

Oh.

Uh, well, maybe
it's the cold.

No, it's you.

Really.

Uh, yes, operator,

this is Sergeant Charles Enright
of the San Francisco police.

And I think I've
just run out of gas.

Well,

that's all I can get.

"Rear"?

Oh, why didn't you
make it "dear"?

I don't have a D.

Oh.

You ruined my play.

No, here, I've
still got one.

Two, three, four,
five and four is nine.

"Death?" That's
a swell word.

How did you
think of that?

Why hasn't that
patrol car arrived?

I'm sure it already has.

You don't think they'd shine
a spotlight in the living room,

just to let us know
they're here, do you?

They patrol outside,

'cause if there's someone
to find, that's where he'll be.

If they find him.

If there's
someone to find.

Is that it?

Hmm.

What if he's there and
they don't find him?

Oh, this game is not doing
me a bit of good, Mac.

My mind is still
you-know-where.

Let's play another
kind of game.

One that's a little
more dangerous.

Like what?

Well, if there is
someone out there,

he's probably waiting
for us to go to bed

before he makes
his next move.

So, we turn out the
lights and nab him.

Are you game?

It's a lot more interesting
than Scrabble.

[car approaching]

Loretta,

we're here.

Moon Mountain.

Loretta?

Look, this is the trip
you've been waiting

for a whole year for someone to
take you on and now someone has.

Loretta, you all right?

Hadn't we better go
home now, Sergeant?

I mean, isn't it
getting late?

Loretta.

Don't go to sleep.

We're here.
Moon Mountain.

And no wonder everybody's
talking about it.

I mean, it's fantastic.

Please?

- Stay here.
- Okay.

[creaking]

Mac.

Shh.

[crickets chirping]

Well, Mac, nothing's
happened. What now?

I think, we'd
feel better

if we took a stroll through
the neighborhood.

What a wonderful idea.

By moonlight, it'll
even be romantic.

[keys rattling]

[door slamming]

Isn't it a perfect
night for a stroll?

Oh, I always try to take
a walk on garbage night.

That's when the
street looks its best.

Why don't you
not look down,

you should look
up at the stars.

That's one of the
things I love about you.

[banging]

Hey.

Open up, police.

[dog barking]

Stop it! Down! Down!

Down, Mac. Down.

I'm afraid you'll
have to forgive Mac.

He's a killer.

But that's why we
got him, of course.

To protect us from
the Asylum Killer.

Well, I'm sorry, but a man
just ran through your door.

Oh, that was Harry.

He lives here.

And I recognize
you from the TV.

You're the Police
Commissioner, right?

Uh, yeah, that's
right, ma'am.

Uh, this is my
wife, Sally.

Mrs. Commissioner.

I told Harry he was gonna
have to cut that out,

now that we have a
Police Commissioner

living in the
neighborhood.

What exactly
was Harry doing?

Come on,
Harry, tell them.

Maybe the Commissioner
will show a little mercy,

since we're neighbors

and they won't give
you the electric chair.

[clearing throat]

Well, uh,

since her mother
moved in with us,

Commissioner, we're
a five-can family.

But I still only
got four cans.

So, on garbage
nights I...

Come on,
Harry, tell him.

I slip the extra in
other folks' cans.

You know, you have four
cans, Commissioner.

But you're not really much
more than a two-can family.

Well, I mean, you can
have one of our cans.

Maybe just borrow it, until
you have kids, or, uh,

her mother comes
to live with you.

(Mac) I feel better
now, don't you?

Isn't it amazing what
the mind can imagine?

And how simple it all is when
you have an explanation?

He wasn't a
prowler at all.

Hey, it's almost midnight,
it's time for champagne.

Mmm-hmm.

[door slamming]

[clock chiming]

[cork popping]

Happy Birthday,
sweetheart.

This is gonna be
a terrific birthday.

You know, I feel ten years younger
than I did ten minutes ago.

How old are you
now, anyway?

What a tacky question.

Well, I'm not sure
I ever did know.

I don't think you're
ever gonna know.

The only part you have to know is
the part about "till death do us part."

You had to say
that, didn't you?

It just slipped out.

Some more?

Mmm-hmm.

You know, I'm beginning
to get really sleepy.

Oh, yeah?

[alarm buzzing]

Drugged.

Sally.

[thudding]

[doorbell ringing]

[thudding continues]

[doorbell
continues ringing]

Okay, Joe,
we're all set.

Let's go over the
checklist again.

Okay.

Food cleared, windows check,
doors check, check, check, check.

What are you so
worried about?

I don't take chances.
Not in this job.

Look, I don't take
chances, either.

The list was correctly
posted on the door.

In fact, what I'm
showing you

is that everything's
been checked.

Okay.

It just seems kind of
funny, everything done.

They must have got
here awfully early.

You know what they always say,
"The early bird gets the worms."

Except all we ever
get is the bugs.

[motor puttering]

[motor continues
puttering]

[wheezing]

[coughing]

Sally.

Sally, get up, quickly.

[coughing]

What is it, Mac?
What's happening?

I'm not sure, yet.

[motor running loudly]

[Mac coughing]

Can't get out.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I just feel like I
spent the day in LA.

Mac, it looks as though
there's a bag over the house.

Is that possible?

- Exterminators?
- Exterminators?

I didn't call them.

I've been meaning to call
them, but I know I didn't.

I know you didn't call
them. Neither did I.

[whispering]
The Asylum Killer.

This is how he's
gonna kill us, Mac.

He likes his victims
to die slowly.

That's his style.

We're the
double-header, Mac.

We're not gonna
die slowly.

We're not
gonna die at all.

We woke up just in time.

[whispering]
Mac, it's dead.

Mac, you can burn it.

Can't.

Non-flammable.
Maybe I can cut it.

Stand back.

[motor running]

[coughing]

[coughing]

Here, Mac. Let's put
these under the door.

There's still time.

There's plenty of good
air upstairs. Come on.

I know gas is
heavier than air.

So it rises slowly.
But it does rise.

Oh Mac, we gotta think
of something else to try.

Yeah.

Mac, what are you doing?

You can't cut through the
canvas with a pole like that!

[coughing] No, but
we can push at it.

And somebody
will see us.

Get back.

(Sally) Here. Try my
specialty, shouting.

Help! Help!

Hey, cut that racket
out, will you?

This is Saturday.

People are still trying
to sleep around here.

They got to get somebody
to fix the machine

before we go out
on another job.

Somebody's gonna call
the police department

if they don't.

Just needs oiling.

We'll squirt a little on it when
we get back to the shop.

Save it.

- If they didn't hear that...
- For what?

They're not
gonna hear it.

We'll get out,
we'll make it.

How?

We've forgotten
the telephone.

That's dead,
you know that.

That isn't gonna stop
people from calling us.

When they can't get
through, they'll investigate.

My mother.

She's always fighting with
the telephone company.

But not long
distance, Mac.

Mildred's not
gonna call us.

Everybody else in town is
used to the bad service.

They won't even
think about it.

Nobody's gonna
check, Mac.

Nobody.

I'm sure Enright will
be calling to check.

Loretta,

wake up.

Loretta, we've been here at
Moon Mountain for hours

and you don't even
know what it looks like.

Come on,

let's take a walk
over to the...

to the window, huh.

I mean, I got this wonderful
room with a view

just for you.

And...

Oh, Loretta.

You don't know
how many nights

I've thought about spending
the weekend with you.

I mean, I've looked
forward to it

from the very first moment
that I ever saw you.

I know you're out of
my league, Loretta,

but what's the point of going out with
someone who isn't out of my league?

Only, this isn't really
the way I imagined it,

I mean...

Well, it's
just that I...

I thought before we
fell asleep together,

that we'd be

awake together.

You know, I wish the Commissioner
had never even sent me that telegram.

Come to think of it,
it's really not like

the Commissioner to
send me a telegram.

[sighing]

Operator, I'd like
to place a call to...

[sighing]

Mmm.

You awake, Loretta?

[motor running loudly]

Here, breathe
through this.

I've got another idea.
Let's go to the attic.

Here.

This is better up here.

Mmm-hmm.

But for how long, Mac?

Oh, we have three
or four hours.

Well, the way I read that,
we have about an hour.

Hey.

Happy Birthday.

I'd forgotten
all about it.

Well, It's one birthday I'll
remember for the rest of my life.

I certainly got us into
one this time, didn't I?

It's not your fault.

I always think I can
handle anything.

You can.

You know, Mac, I'm not afraid of
dying as long as we're together.

I'd just be afraid to go
on living without you.

(woman) Sergeant.
Sgt. Enright.

Okay, they found me.

Well, I was ready to
go back, anyhow.

Mrs. Hull!

I never expected
to see you here.

It's an unexpected pleasure
for me too, Sergeant.

How are you?

I'm just fine.
Are you alone?

Are you trying to pick
me up, Sergeant?

No. But I'd love to
buy you breakfast.

Look, I hate counters.

Uh, we could move
over to that table.

What a lovely
idea. Thank you.

Does your room have
a nice view, Sergeant?

Oh yes, I've been
looking at it all morning.

It's also the most expensive
view I've ever had.

Well, I wouldn't know
about that, Sergeant.

I'm not paying
for my room.

I won this trip.

Won it? Well, how
did you do that?

One of those
phone contests

where they call and
ask you a question.

Oh, what was the question you had
to answer to win a trip like this?

It must have
been a lulu.

Oh, it was, Sergeant.

They wanted to know the name
of the Police Commissioner

of San Francisco.

[laughing]

I wish Mac and
Sally were here.

What if they didn't get
away to Acapulco?

Perhaps I should
give them a call.

They could fly up
this afternoon.

Oh.

Well, I'd love seeing
the Commissioner.

[motor running loudly]

I thought some
music would be nice.

Here.

- This won first place.
- Yeah.

For the worst wedding
present that we received.

[music playing]

Ooh! The Death March.

I didn't know we had
The Death March.

We don't.

This isn't ours.

He put it there. He
thought of everything.

As a matter of
fact, he didn't.

Mr. Fitzsimmons.

[chuckling]
Mr. Fitzsimmons.

We haven't even seen him

since the last time he
turned us in to the police

for playing the
records too loud.

Why don't I go downstairs
and play the stereo too loud?

But you can't
go down there.

- I have to.
- You can't.

You'll know I made it
when you hear the music.

[clicking]

[piano music playing]

(Sally)
Have you come to save us?

I'm afraid not,
Mrs. McMillan.

Though I'm touched
you're able to see

the potential
for kindness

that lurks beneath
this mask.

I am here to be with you
at the end, however.

I thought you'd
come to save us.

No one will come to
save you, Mrs. McMillan.

But it's almost
over now.

So why not relax
and stop fighting it?

You must be very sleepy.

Someone is
coming to save us.

No.

And your disappointment
will only be the greater

if you continue
to think that.

You've done all you
can, Mrs. McMillan.

I congratulate you
and your husband.

You've lasted much longer
than I thought you would.

[groaning]

[piano continues
playing]

Are you comfortable?

Mmm.

We've never met,
Mrs. McMillan.

But your voice
is familiar.

That pleases
me, thank you.

But if I don't know you,

why are you doing this?

I don't understand.

I'm afraid they
never understand.

I've talked to them
all, you know.

Just before the end.

Talked to who?

Why, my victims.

You and your husband
will make six and seven.

I can't tell you how pleased I
am with myself over this one.

It's clearly the most original and
also the most technically difficult.

The storyline was perfect
from the beginning, of course.

But then to have
dream casting,

the Police Commissioner
and his wife.

"Dream casting?"
Are you filming this?

[coughing]

Just lie here quietly.

[thudding]

Everything is
going to be fine.

[Mac coughing]

Sally, why did you
open the door?

Sally!

[laughing maniacally]

Welcome, Commissioner.

So, you finally
showed up.

[coughing]

You do have to
watch, don't you?

How nice to be expected.

Your wife seemed
surprised to see me.

Though we've been
having a lovely little chat,

considering
her condition.

But I can see your mind's
not quite as foggy yet.

How do you do it,
Commissioner?

Oh, don't make
that mistake,

just after I praised you

on how well your
mind was working.

Oh, this afternoon?

I don't see how.

Mmm, three days' work.

No, no, I
don't think so.

Yeah, I realize.

But thank you, anyway.

Goodbye.

They wanted you
to work today?

Yes, all weekend.

To pose at a factory
that's closed.

You mean, they wanted you
to come back from your trip

for just
three days' work?

Isn't that asking
an awful lot?

But then they pay me
an awful lot, Sergeant.

I get $400 a day.

$400 a day?

Well, at those prices
you have got to go back.

What about the
prices here?

I'd feel terrible
if I've cost you

all that money and
then just slept.

Well, that's all right.

It's just that I don't know
when I can get away again.

Hey, why don't I cook dinner
for you one night next week?

You can cook?

Oh yeah, I'm
a great cook.

Of course, I'm not
allowed to eat.

But I'm a great cook.

And thank you for the best
sleep I've had in weeks.

Sally, wake up.

- He said I could sleep.
- Don't sleep.

Why don't you leave your
wife alone, Commissioner?

She's beginning to
rest quite easily.

I know who you are. I
recognize that voice.

Aren't you even going to
ask me the reason why?

Only last week, I
believe you issued

a statement that
the Asylum Killer

strikes for no
reason at all.

I could hardly read that on
the air without laughing.

There's always a
reason, Commissioner.

There's nothing
to connect them.

You chose your victims
at random. Why?

To prove I was right.

Hah.

In the beginning it was
only theory, of course.

I started by trying to write
for television, you know.

But my scripts were rejected
for their implausibility.

Well, I've showed
them now, haven't I?

You've been acting out
your rejected scripts?

And most convincingly,
you'll have to admit, Commissioner.

I've terrified
an entire city.

With the aid of your
nightly telecasts, yes.

That was all
part of my plan.

Once I decided to
produce my own scripts

and prove how
plausible my plots were,

I made sure they got the television
coverage they deserved.

I'm the only newscaster
who's dared to show

how incompetent
the police really are.

What a pity you
won't be able to hear

how I report your deaths on my
newscast tomorrow evening.

The supreme example
of police ineptitude.

[coughing]

You're beginning to annoy
me, Commissioner.

Don't force me
to shoot you.

And wreck a plot as
ingenious as yours?

That would be too bad.

But I will if I have to.

I can't believe
a mind as...

subtle as yours
would resort to...

simple gun play.

Unless, of course, you're
planning something

far more ingenious
than I suspected.

A triple play instead
of a double-header.

Triple play?

What are you
talking about?

With all this gas, if
you fire that gun,

the flash of it will blow
the roof off this place.

Unless, of course, that's
what you have in mind.

The three of us at once.

Who can tell with
a mind like yours.

[scoffs]

Kill myself? Don't be
silly, Commissioner.

Still not ready?

To die?

Why would I ever
be ready to die?

But that's what all these
killings are about, isn't it?

Watching your
victims die,

trying to get to the point
where you can face it.

Well, you've watched
five victims die, now.

Can you go out
with six and seven?

[Death March playing]

What are you doing?

Fire it.

We could all
go together.

Maybe we can even dance.

Turn that off.

Sally, breathe deeply.

- Oh!
- Breathe.

I was just resting, Mac.

Keep it on till we
get out of here.

Mac, don't shoot,
the gas will explode.

[gun firing]

Hey, there's some people
in there, call the police!

The trouble with people
who invent implausible plots

is they don't recognize
one when they hear it.

[people laughing]

Well,

isn't Moon Mountain
everything I said?

Oh, it's so wonderful
you could all get away

and get here for
the weekend.

Oh, Mother, that was
just a lovely excuse

for you to stay another
week waiting for us.

Dom Perignon.

Sergeant, you
shouldn't have.

Well, some people
are very choosy

about their champagne.

Mrs. McMillan.

Happy Birthday,
a week late.

(All) Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday.

I'll never complain again
about being a year older.

What's the matter,
Commissioner?

You're not drinking.

Oh no, it's not that,
Sergeant, it's just that...

it reminds me of the last
time we had champagne

to celebrate
Sally's birthday.

I was unconscious
before I could finish it.

Now don't worry,
darling, from now on,

I'll be your
official taster.

Hey, I like the
sound of that.

Really have no
trouble there.