Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 5 - Walter's Temptation - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude! ♪

Maude!

Maude, you better hurry up! Tuggie
McKenna's gonna be here any minute!

Here I come.

Oh. Oh, my!

You know something,
Vivian, I really must be crazy.

I mean, here I am going
on a television talk show

to destroy the myth

that women are just sex symbols
and look at me. Simply stunning.

Oh, well.

Ooh...

I just love the way you look!

You look lovely.
You look perfect.



You look absolutely perfect!

I've just never seen
you look so beautiful.

Well, thank you, Vivian.

Too bad about the dress.

The what?

Well, you can't go on
television in that dress.

Vivian, what are you saying?
What's wrong with my dress?

It's brown.

I read an article in "TV Guide" that
says when you wear brown on television,

it makes you look taller.

Oh, Vivian, please.

Face it, Mickey Rooney
always wears a brown suit.

Not brown enough.

Look, Vivian, I'm just
going on a local talk show.

I'm there to discuss women's
rights. Who cares how tall I look?

I understand.

I mean, Vivian, please, I really
have a great deal on my mind.

- Of course.
- Yes. I mean,

when Tuggie McKenna
gets over here,

we have to go over all
these notes for tonight's show.

Who cares what "TV Guide" said?

Right.

Why should you bother
about the color of your dress?

Right.

It did say blue is
the most... Ha! Right.

Vivian!

There you are. I
thought I'd find you here.

When I come home after
a very messy operation,

I expect to find my
dinner on the table.

Well, I just wanted to see Maude

before she goes on Tuggie
McKenna's talk show, Arthur.

Oh, Maude.

I'm just so proud that you
and I share the same sex.

I know what you're going to do.

You're going to go on television
and glorify that Leslie Perkins

for all the trouble she
caused down at Walter's store.

More of that feminism bunk!

Arthur, I happen to have a great
deal of respect for Leslie Perkins.

When she took over
from Harry Freeman

as assistant manager
of Walter's store,

she demanded the same
salary that Harry had received.

And I supported her.
I mean, it's only fair.

No, it isn't fair.

Men deserve to be paid more.

The American working
man has a family to support.

Food to buy.

Country club dues to pay.

And don't forget those
outrageous doctor bills.

Right.

But, Arthur, women
have responsibilities too.

They have bills to
pay, and food to buy.

What are they supposed to do?

Vivian, I'm very proud of you.

You've come a long way in
understanding the need for women's rights.

Thank you, Maude. I try.

No, you've done more than try.

Arthur, answer her. Women have

responsibilities. What
are they supposed to do?

What they were born
to do. Get married.

Vivian, did you hear that?

Arthur, marriage is not the answer
to a woman's money problems.

It worked for me.

Vivian?

Yes, Maude?

Try harder.

I will.

All right, Maude, go ahead.

Go on television and tell the world
what a wonderful person Leslie Perkins is.

But let me warn you, you're
going to get laughs with that dress.

You should never wear brown
on television. You wear blue.

There. There. Now you see, Maude?
Did you read that same "TV Guide" I read?

No, no, no. I have a patient
who does television commercials.

He says brown
makes you look short.

Vivian, you better call
Mickey Rooney right away.

Really? I mean, I couldn't care less what
I wear. I'm there to discuss the issues.

If I look too tall or I
look too short, what...

- Tuggie, please come in.
- Hi, Maude.

You remember Dr. Arthur
Harmon and Vivian?

- Hello, Doc.
- Hello, Tuggie.

I never miss your show.

You know, the
one I liked the best

was that one that one where
you discussed the church today,

remember? When you
had that nice priest on

with his two lovely children?

Vivian, we better get
home to my dinner.

Bye, Tuggie.

Bye, Maude.

- Bye, Tuggie.
- Ciao.

Good luck tonight, Maude.

I'll be watching
you on television.

I won't.

I think we'd better go over some
things before the show tonight, Maude.

Of course, Tuggie. What
would you like to discuss first?

Er, your dress.

My dress?

You shouldn't wear brown, Maude.

Look, Tuggie, just
for my own curiosity,

does brown make me
look too tall or too short?

Too dumpy.

Tuggie, I am not going
to change my dress.

Maude, I'm telling you, blue
is the most flattering color.

Tuggie,

listen, and listen up close.

I am not going to
change my dress.

Well, that's all I
had to discuss.

You have any suggestions, Maude?

Something you'd
like to talk about?

Yes. Yes. I want to talk about a
wonderful woman named Leslie Perkins,

who works for my husband
down at the appliance shop.

You know, when she took
over as assistant manager,

she demanded that she got exactly
the same salary as Harry Freeman did.

And Walter gave in. I
was really so proud of him.

He overcame his male prejudice and
he admitted that he had been wrong.

I say.

You think you could get them
to come on the show tonight?

Well, I never thought of it. I
think that's a marvelous idea!

They're down at the
store. Why don't I call them?

Fine. They're not too unfriendly
towards each other, are they?

Oh no, no, no, no. They've
resolved their differences.

I can honestly say that Walter Findlay
and Leslie Perkins see eye to eye.

Sorry, Walter.

It's a really expensive earring.
Would you please keep looking?

I'll keep looking if it
takes all afternoon.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute! I found it!

Oh, thank heaven.

Nothing worse than the sound of the
wind whistling through a pierced ear.

I almost had my
ears pierced once.

You're kidding, when was that?

The day I got my draft notice.

Good one, eh?

Well, I'd better get back to work. I
got all those equal paychecks to sign.

You know, Walter, you have
a wonderful sense of humor.

I guess so.

Hey Leslie, don't forget to file
those printouts before you leave.

Oh no, I won't. Walter?

- There's something I want
to talk to you about.
- Shoot.

Well, during our recent
battle of the sexes,

I came to appreciate
your strengths.

You see, I don't see
myself as the winner.

I see Walter Findlay as the winner, because
he had the courage to say he was wrong.

I find that very attractive.

Well, thank you
very much, Leslie.

Anyway, I like what I see and
I want to go to bed with you.

Great, why don't
we do it tomorrow?

How's 12:30?

12:30 is good.

What did you say?

I said I want to
go to bed with you.

Oh.

Oh, I thought you...

Said you wanted to go to lunch!

Oh, tomorrow's bad.

I eat lunch at 12:30.

Well then, why don't we
make it some other time?

Some other time?

Walter, I didn't
want to upset you.

Who's upset?

The last thing I wanna do
is make you uncomfortable.

Who's uncomfortable?

What's that tune you're playing?

Leslie, I'm a married man.

I don't wanna break up
your marriage, Walter,

I just wanna go to bed with you.

Now, I love Maude.

She's a lot like me.
We are both free spirits.

I hope she's not as free
with her spirit as you.

Walter,

this doesn't have to
affect Maude at all.

It's just a momentary
thing between you and me.

Hey, it'd be a nice thing
to do for one another.

Hello?

Maude! Why are you calling?
We haven't done anything.

Oh, yes. Yes, she's right here.
Maude wants to talk to you.

Don't tell her anything.

Hello, Maude, what is it?

I've got to go home.

Oh, just a minute. Wait.

Don't forget what I said.

I won't, I won't.

Will you promise me?

I will, I will.

Now, I want you
to think about it.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Sorry, Maude, what is it?

Oh! Oh, yes, I'd love
to! It sounds like fun.

And Walter too, huh?

Yes. I think it's important that you
and Walter show Tuckahoe on television

what a good woman in the office
can do for a small businessman.

Great galloping galoshes!
She said that to you, Walter?

Shh-Sh...

- She actually came right out
and said that to you?
- Arthur, Maude might be home.

- Honey, are you home?
- Yes, Maude!

Don't go anywhere,
I have to talk to you.

OK, Maude.

Holy smoke, Walter.
How did you handle it?

I was calm.

Cool.

Sophisticated.

What's that tune you're playing?

Malaguena.

I tell you, Walter, this
is a sign of the times.

It's not really your fault.

Women today are
just very forward.

It happened to me.

What happened to you?

Some young nurses were
attending one of my operations,

and, right in the middle of
surgery, I was pinched on the fanny.

- Who did it?
- Who knows? We were all wearing masks.

It's crazy, Arthur. I
couldn't believe she said it.

Well,

it doesn't make any
difference does it?

You're a happy man.

You love your wife.

You have a wonderful marriage.

I mean, you wouldn't touch
Leslie in a million years.

Walter!

Oh, boy, you've gotta
fire that girl, it's obvious.

Fire her? I can't!

Maude will think I'm getting back
at Leslie for demanding equal pay.

OK. Then tell Maude the truth.

Tell Maude the truth?

Arthur, do you know what will
happen if I tell Maude that Leslie,

her friend, an attractive
young girl, is after my body?

Of course I know what'll happen.

Maude will laugh in your face.

But it's your job
to convince her.

Arthur, you know, you really don't
understand Maude. She'll be too upset.

She'll be crushed.
She'll be devastated.

That's the price
she'll have to pay.

Maude's the one that
forced you to hire that

pushy woman in the
first place, isn't she?

Let me tell you, Walter,
this is a dangerous situation.

If you're fool enough to
give her a man's wages,

God knows what
else you'll give her.

You're right, Arthur.

I got to fire Leslie.

Atta boy, Walter!

If I knew which one of those
nurses pinched me, I'd fire her too.

Believe me, the next time I perform
surgery, we're not using masks.

I've got to handle
this very delicately.

Hello, Leslie? Walter here.

Yeah, uh...

remember what we were talking
about just before I left the office?

When I thought you meant lunch?

Yeah.

Well, you're fired. Goodbye.

You were too
easy on her, Walter.

♪ Am I blue? ♪

♪ Am I blue? ♪

Oh, honey, listen, I want you to go right
upstairs and take off this brown jacket,

and put on something blue.

Why?

Honey, you and I
and Leslie Perkins

are going to be on Tuggie
McKenna's talk show tonight!

Isn't that exciting?

Television show?

- Yes.
- Leslie Perkins and me?

Yes. Look, honey, I'm
gonna take the station wagon.

I want you to meet
me there in 15 minutes.

Wait a minute, Maude.

There's something
I have to tell you.

Honey, there's no time. Please, Walter,
hurry. Leslie's going to meet us there.

Sweetheart, would
you do me a favor?

Take off the
turtleneck. Put on a tie.

You know, your red tie makes
you look like Dan Rather.

Of course, your paisley tie
makes you look like Morley Safer.

I think it's safer
to look like Rather.

Unless you'd rather
look like Safer.

Goodbye.

Did you hear that,
Arthur? Now what do I do?

Why don't you wear an Ascot
and look like Tom Snyder?

Now Maude, my viewers know
my talk show is completely live

and unrehearsed and spontaneous.

So it's important that you
memorize these ad-libs I've written.

A woman is only a woman,
but a good cigar is a smoke.

Tuggie, that is the most inane,

juvenile, asinine
thing I have ever heard.

Maybe I'll give
that one to Walter.

Maude.

Walter, you didn't take
off your brown jacket.

You didn't take
off your turtleneck.

Now you can just go on TV
looking like a short, brown turtle.

Maude, there's something
very important I must tell you.

Nothing is more important
than wearing blue on television.

When will you understand that?

OK, folks,
everything looks fine.

Hey, Walter. Don't be nervous.

You're a man. It's all
right if you look dumpy.

Maude, what I'm
trying to tell you is that

I can't go on the show
tonight with Leslie Perkins.

What do you mean
you can't? Why not?

Because I fired her today.

You fired Leslie? Why?

I'd rather not say.

Well, of course you wouldn't. Because,
you know, you don't have any case!

Walter, you deliberately
fired her to get

even with her for
demanding equal pay.

Walter, I was so proud of you.
I thought you had grown a little.

Now I see how small
and petty you really are.

I'm so embarrassed for you
I don't know where to look!

Now hold on, Maude!

You're always
taking Leslie's side.

Well, this time Leslie wants
one equal right too many.

This time Leslie wants me!

Leslie wants... you?

Yes.

For what?

- She wants to go
to bed with me.
- What?

Beddy bye.

Arthur said you'd laugh.

Go ahead. Don't believe me. You'll
see. Leslie won't be here tonight.

She'll be too embarrassed.

Am I late?

It's been one of those days.

Maude, you've got to talk to Walter.
He fired me and I don't know why.

You don't know why? You
know why! She knows why.

Walter, I make one little
mistake and you say I'm through.

Oh, Leslie, it's obvious
he's just trying to

get revenge on you for
demanding equal pay.

- You think so?
- Of course.

Oh, Maude. Thank
you for understanding.

What possible excuse
did he use this time?

What, were you a few
minutes late getting to work,

or did you take too
long at your lunch hour?

No, no, I asked him
to go to bed with me.

- Oh.
- All right. All right.

Everybody's here.
Great, great, great.

Now, five minutes to air time.

Oh, I came up with a
great title for the show.

'The modern woman.
How far will she go?'

Leslie, do you mean

you actually asked my
husband to go to bed with you?

Maude, in all
fairness to Leslie,

she was overcome by passion.

That's right.

- It is?
- It is?

Yes.

Well, it was just one of those impulsive
things that happens between modern adults.

We were in Walter's
office kidding around.

It seemed like a good idea at the
time. Oh, Maude, you know how it is?

I'm a liberated, upfront woman just
like you. Now maybe it was dumb,

but it's how I felt.

Is that any reason to fire me?

- Yes.
- Why?

Why couldn't you just say no?

I don't think that
fast on my feet.

Maude, you know how it is.
You manage a real-estate office.

There are a lot of men there. Now,
I'm sure you've been propositioned.

Well, that's true.

The same thing happened
to me just last week.

Oh, and did you fire the guy?

- No, I did not.
- How did you handle it?

I simply explained to
him that I was married.

I told him it was
out of the question,

and I gave him a nice raise.

Now there, Walter. That
is my idea of a solution.

Give you a raise? I'd
rather go to bed with you.

Walter, nobody is
going to bed with anyone.

Now look, Leslie admitted.

She admitted she made a mistake.
Walter, why won't you reconsider?

Nothing doing. I won't have a woman
in my store that goes against nature.

That's right!

I mean, she made the first
move, and that's not nature's way.

The male animal is supposed
to make the first move.

The stallion goes
after the mare.

The bull goes after the cow.

Did you ever hear of a chicken
going up to a rooster and saying

'You want to cock a
doodle doo?' Come on!

Walter.

Walter, you're afraid of Leslie.

- No!
- Yes you are. Yes you are.

That's the reason you fired
her. You're afraid of her.

All right, I admit it.

I've never had a woman
come on like that before.

A man likes to be in
control of the situation.

My poor baby.

Honey, there's
nothing to worry about.

I love you and I trust you.

OK, Maude.

If you want Leslie back,
go ahead and hire her.

But I'm warning
you, I'm only human.

Which reminds me,
I have to go tinkle.

Well, that's settled.

After all this silliness, everything
finally turned out all right, didn't it?

Nope.

No? What are you
worried about, Maude?

You.

Me?

Maude, I don't understand you.

I did what any emancipated,

free-spirited woman would
do. I was just doing my thing.

No, you were
trying to do my thing.

Women's emancipation
has nothing to do

with cock a doodle doodling
with somebody else's rooster.

You turkey.

- You're mad at me,
aren't you, Maude?
- In my book,

there is a big difference between
equality and messing around.

Does this mean I'm not
going to get my job back?

The word 'yes' comes to mind.

But I want-I want that job.

Well, Leslie, you'll
get another job.

I mean, you're bright,
God knows you're versatile.

I want that job.

I want to be an executive.

I love the responsibility.
I love the challenge.

I love to boss people around.

There, there, there.

I want to tell people
what to do with their jobs,

I want to tell them
when to come and go,

to point out their mistakes
to them, oh Maude!

Can't you understand,
I want to fire people!

Leslie, Leslie, come on, dear.

You'll be an executive
somewhere else,

and then you can fire lots
and lots and lots of people.

You promise?

I swear.

Oh, thank you, Maude.

Oh! I can't go on television,
my eyes are all red and puffy.

Leslie, underneath it all,

you're - you're just a soft
little pussycat, aren't you?

Uh-huh.

I'm sure glad I found
that out before Walter did.

Goodbye, Leslie.

Goodbye, Maude.

And Maude?

You shouldn't wear
blue on television.

It makes you look too mean.

Wait, where's she going?

She's not going to be
on the show tonight.

- She's not?
- She's not.

What do you mean? What
are we going to talk about?

Well, we are going to talk
about women's rights, but

we're also going
to talk about love,

and marriage,

and people who make
commitments to each other.

And I'm going to
talk about a man

who loves his wife so much

that under no circumstances

would he ever be
unfaithful to her.

Come on, Walter, you know Tuggie
doesn't do science fiction on his show.

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape, before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ And then there's Maude! ♪

♪ And then there's Maude! ♪

♪ And then there's Maude! ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪