Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 6 - Phillip's Birthday Party - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' anything ♪

♪ But tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

Oh, Vivian, honey, I cannot
tell you what a help you've been.

You're really making Phillips's
birthday party something special.

Well, this is very
important to Phillip,

and since his
mother can't be here,

I'm just glad to help out.

I know how excited boys
get when they turn 15.

When I turned 15, I got a
few boys excited myself.



Right.

And after all, remember
I am his Auntie Vivian.

But of course, I'm
not his real aunt,

but, you know, in a way, that's lucky
because you and I are best friends

and if I were his real aunt,
then you and I would be sisters

and I haven't spoken
to my sister in years.

Keep blowing, Viv.

Oh, Viv, I don't
know why, but lately,

birthday parties
sort of depress me.

Well, if I'd had as
many birthdays as you,

they'd depress me, too.

Oh.

Honey, did you
fill the punch bowl?

Yeah. Haven't
you seen it? I got...

I knew you were gonna do that.

So did I.

Grandma, this party
is gonna be the pits.

Phillip, why would you
say a thing like that?

Phillip, this is gonna
be a terrific party.

And look at all the
streamers and all the...

All the refreshments
and the balloons

and your grandma's gonna be here

and your Auntie
Vivian is gonna be here.

Of course, I'm
not your real aunt,

but, you know, in a
way, that's fortunate

because if I were and Maude...

Phillip, now you
sit down right here

and tell me why you think
this party isn't going to be fun.

Just look at this list of
rules grandpa gave me.

List of rules?

"One, the party
will end at 10:30.

Two, smoking is not permitted.

Three, loud music
is not permitted.

Four, the lights will
remain on at all times.

Five, when couples are dancing,

music must be playing."

You're right, Phillip,
this party sucks tea bags.

Grandma, you're just
gonna have to tell grandpa.

I mean, all my friends
are older than me.

They don't wanna come to
a dumb baby party like this.

Phillip, I have a few more
things I wanna add to that list.

Look, Walter, I've been
going over your party rules

and I am really surprised.

Oh, I don't wanna be
too tough on the kids.

I want them to
have a little fun.

Fun?

These weren't written
by a grandparent,

they were written by a warden.

I bet they have better
birthday parties at San Quentin.

Well, if those guys had these
rules when they were kids,

they wouldn't be in San Quentin.

Walter, that's beautiful.

I'm gonna put that
on your headstone...

tomorrow.

Walter, Walter, Phillip
wants desperately

to be accepted by
his older classmates.

I mean, is it his fault that
he was skipped a grade

because of his
intelligence, his brilliance?

I mean, is he
supposed to be punished

because he inherited
his grandmother's mind?

Isn't that punishment
enough, Walter?

But you can't let kids run wild.

You got to have rules.

Phillip, the upstairs
bedrooms are out of bounce.

The downstairs bedrooms
are out of bounds,

which reminds me I'm taking the
mattresses off the patio furniture.

Now, that is enough. Phillip is 15
years old. He deserves our trust.

I mean, maybe you don't
have faith in today's generation,

but I do, and I can assure you,

all the youngsters at this party

will conduct themselves
beyond reproach.

You'll see for yourself.

Not me.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm not staying home.

I'm going to a closed-circuit
TV fight with you Hubie Binder.

Walter, how can you lay
down all these strict rules

and then walk out?

With all these rules,

the party's gonna be very dull.

If that's Hubie,

you tell him I'll be right down.

Hi, Mrs. Findlay.

Hello, Sam.

Come on in.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Phillip.

Happy birthday.

Oh, gee, thanks, Sam.

Honey, would you
like some punch?

Oh, I can't stay.

Jerry Carlisle invited me
to a party over at his house.

Aw.

You see, it's his
parents' anniversary.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

A boy giving his parents
an anniversary party.

No, some friends are giving
them a party in New Jersey.

So, Jerry is giving
himself one here.

Wow.

Oh, Jerry and his
band are gonna play.

Wow.

And they've got a
girl who used to sing

with the Thankful Sick.

- Wow.
- Wow.

And they've got an
outside dance floor

and two kegs of beer
floating in their swimming pool.

Grandma, can I
go to Jerry's party?

No.

Honey, don't you worry.

If things get too
dull over at Jerry's,

you're always
welcome to come here.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Findlay.

I'm really sorry, Phillip.

It's just that I accepted
Jerry's invitation first.

I understand, Sam.

Hi, Maude.

- Hello, Hubie.
- Say hello to Mrs. Findlay.

Hello, Mrs. Findlay.

Happy birthday, Phillip.

Oh, thanks, Dr. Binder.

Grandpa will be
down in a minute.

Oh, good.

Uh, Phillip, I want you to
meet my nephew, Joseph.

I asked your grandfather
to invite him to the party.

I hope it's all right.

Sure. Hi, Joseph.

Hi.

My uncle made
me bring my violin.

I thought if the
party got a little dull,

Joseph could play his violin.

He's been taking lessons
since he's eight years old.

Oh, that's wonderful.

What songs does he play?

He hasn't gotten that far yet.

Well, I know one
song, Uncle Hubie.

Well, you might as well
start playing it right now.

Hi, Hubie.

Oh, hi, Walter.

You ready to go
to see the big fight?

Hubie, I don't think so. You see,
Maude has a big party on her hands

and maybe we should stick
around and sort of help out.

Let's go to the fight.

Happy birthday, Phillip.

Happy birthday, Phillip.

Oh, oh, I love that.

Yeah, dah, dah,

John Garfield played it in
that movie, "Humoresque,"

but I can never remember
the name of the song.

That's beautiful, beautiful.

Why don't you sit down?

The other guests have arrived.

I better go finish
decorating the cake.

Hello.

I'm Mary Patterson and
this is Jesus Escobar.

Oh, come in. Come in.

- Hi Mary. Hi, Jesus.
- Hi.

I'm Phillip's grandmother.

Patterson, Patterson, Patterson,

that name sounds familiar.

Mary's father is
Dr. Patterson, the dentist.

Of course.

Happy birthday, Phillip.

Aw.

Thanks, Mary.

But you didn't have to
bring me a present though.

It was my pleasure.

Now, listen, kids, I
don't want you to be shy.

Just help yourselves to...

Mary, would you like some punch?

No, thank you. Sweet drinks
are very bad for the teeth.

Oh, gee, thanks a lot, Mary.

Look, Grandma, a gum stimulator

and a spool of dental floss.

You have such nice teeth.

You should take
good care of them.

Hey.

How was the party coming?

It shows promise.

Let's not kid
ourselves, grandma.

Nobody else is coming.

Oh, Phillip.

They're all at Jerry
Carlisle's house.

The word's out that this
is gonna be a dull party.

That boy seems to be
having a wonderful time.

Jesus, he's from Venezuela.

He doesn't even
speak English yet.

He probably thinks
he's at the other party.

Jesus?

That's an interesting name.

How does he spell it?

J-E-S-U-S.

Good Lord, that's Jesus.

Don't those people have
any respect for our religion?

Arthur, we use
names from the Bible.

Hubie's nephew, there is Joseph.

And my name is Mary.

That's right, named
after the Blessed Virgin.

No.

I was named after my aunt.

Well, anyway in South
American countries,

it's an honored custom
to name boys after Jesus

and there's nothing
wrong with that.

Well, I don't like it.

Why not, Arthur?

I mean, it's a tradition
that we should adopt.

It's such a spiritually
uplifting name.

Now, I think this country
would be a lot better off

if there were more
boys named Jesus.

And fewer boys named Chuck,

a hell of a lot better.

And you said no more
guests were arriving.

Go on, get the door. Honey,
I'm gonna give Viv a hand.

Oh, they probably
have the wrong house.

Hi, Phillip.

The electricity just went
off over at Jerry's house

and no one can
play their guitars.

So, everyone
wanted to come here.

Sure, great, come on in.

Sounds like more
kids have arrived.

Isn't that great that
Phillip was convinced

it was going to be a drag?

That's nice.

Maude?

Maude? Do you know
what's going on in there?

- It is outrageous.
- Why?

A bunch of rowdy punks

have crashed
Phillip's birthday party

and they brought
in six packs of beer.

Uh-oh. Oh, that could
be trouble, Maude.

Come on. Now, calm down, Arthur,

there's nothing
to be upset about.

Calm down?

Maude, you got a
room full of delinquents,

just sitting there
guzzling it down.

They even handed cans
to those three sweet kids

that were here first.

Arthur is right.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Jesus, Mary, and
Joseph are drinking beer.

I just don't understand
you, Maude.

How can you be in the kitchen

when there's a wild party
going on in your living room?

Arthur, I don't wanna panic.

So somebody
smuggled in a little beer,

they are basically good kids.

Besides, I don't
want Phillip to think

I'm spying on his party.

You're supposed to be
spying, you're the chaperone.

I say where mix
couples are involved,

a chaperone is
absolutely essential.

We had one on our
first date four years ago.

Oh, Vivian, I just wanted
my mother to meet you.

Why did she sit
between us in the car?

Vivian, that was then.

Maude, I saw some
boys come in with guitars,

and another boy with more drums
than there are in the Duke Ellington Band.

Oh, I love the Duke
Ellington Band.

We used to dance to
his music all the time,

Arthur, his mother, and me.

Arthur, what is wrong with
having musicians at a party?

I just think it's
marvelous that they came.

Oh, boy, Maude, you are dense.

Guitars, drums, that's
where they stash it.

Stash what?

The junk, the smack,
the grass, the pot.

Well, let's just be grateful
they're not sneaking in dope.

You know something, Arthur?

You are really
becoming paranoid.

Oh, I am, am I?

It's time you wised
up to these kid

and where they
stash their stuff.

Didn't you ever
watch "Mod Squad"?

Oh, I loved "Mod Squad."

We used to watch
it all the time,

Arthur, his mother, and me.

All right, Maude, if you're not
going to do anything about this,

I refused to have anything
more to do with this party.

You know, Arthur, this
may come as a shock to you,

but you were never invited.

Good. I would have
torn up my invitation.

You know, Maude, maybe we should
just take a peak in the living room.

It does seem to be
getting a little noisy.

Oh.

Oh, I wasn't spying.

Oh, I'm sorry, Aunt Vivian.

Hey, Grandma,
this is Jerry Carlisle.

Hey, hi.

He's a senior.

He likes my party
better than his.

He brought his
band along with him.

Tell her what you said, Jerry.

Hey, far out party.

Oh, excuse me, Jerry,

I think you can
find some other way

to have a good
time without beer.

Hey, yeah, maybe you're right.

Boy, far out lady, man.

Grandma, this party is great.

I'm gonna be a
big man after this.

Maude, that's cigarette?

You remember what Arthur said?

I think that boy
was smoking pan.

Maude?

Maude, there are
couples from the party

out in your yard.

And do you know
what they're doing?

Bouncing around,
yelling, screaming, kicking.

Oh, come on, Arthur, that's
the way kids dance today.

Lying down in the front yard?

Maybe it's intermission.

We used to sit out a few dances

when your mother got tired.

You know what, Maude,

you're an ostrich burying
your head in the ground.

And there's a couple
of kids out in your yard

trying to do the same thing.

Arthur, go home.

Sure, Maude. That's
her answer to everything.

"Arthur, go home."

Well, I'm going.

Why don't you see what's
going on on your own front lawn?

But I'm warning you, Maudie,

none of those kids had
better roll into my yard.

Oh, maybe you better
do something, huh?

Mrs. Findlay.

Mrs. Findlay.

Mrs. Findlay.

Mrs. Findlay, good party.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hi, gang.

I'm Phillip's grandmother

and I just want to say
that I really dig this scene.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I'm not a, you
know, tight kind of square.

Yeah, dig it. Dig it.

But I do have a request.

I mean, I am a
laidback lady, but...

We have a request for Jimmy
Quigley's "Laidback Lady."

♪ Yeah, come on ♪

♪ I know a laid back lady ♪

Vivian, Vivian, they're
completely out of control.

I don't know what to do.

Maude, there's a
policeman outside.

A policeman? What does he want?

I don't know. I saw him
getting out of his squad car

and I ran back in here.

Maude. Maude.

Arthur, thank goodness.

Listen, there's a
policeman outside,

would you get
rid of him, please?

Get rid of them? I'm
the one that called them.

What for?

I got to get some sleep.

I'm a doctor.

I tee off at 7:00
in the morning.

Pardon me, I'm
Officer Schofield.

I got a complaint
from a Mr. Smith

about a noisy party.

Yeah, I'm Mr. Smith.

The party is right in there.

Mr. Smith?

Actually, I'm Dr. Arthur
Harmon, prominent surgeon.

I used an assumed name to
avoid the possibility of revenge.

Arthur, if you're
worried about revenge,

you should use an assumed
name when you practice surgery.

Officer, I'm Maude Findlay.

That's her real name.

Thank you.

Officer, maybe we
could use your help.

You see, my grandson is
having a birthday party in there

and it's getting a
little out of hand.

Now, don't you
worry, Mrs. Findlay,

I've got three kids of my own.

- Okay.
- I'll take care of this.

Wait a minute.

I mean, is it necessary to
go in there carrying a gun?

It is if my kids are in there.

Wait a minute.

I can't let you go in like that.

I mean, there's no need for it.

These youngsters have been
brought up to respect authority.

When a... when a policeman
tells them to quite down,

well, that'll take
care of everything.

Fine, Mrs. Findlay,
whatever you say.

I'm a policeman.

Quiet down in the
name of the law.

Okay, Mrs. Findlay,
everything's taken care of.

Good night all.

I don't think they heard him.

Of course not. He's
supposed to fire

a couple of shots in the air.

Vivian, maybe we
should serve the cake,

then they'll eat and go home

and we got to get them
out of here somehow.

This cake is so
beautiful, Maude.

Oh, thank you so much, Vivian.

Oh, I spent most of the
afternoon decorating it.

All right, Maude, I'm
going home again,

but if you don't
break this party up,

the police are gonna get
another call from a Mr. Jones.

♪ Carwash, carwash ♪

♪ Carwash, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Carwash, ohh, hoo ♪

♪ Carwash, yeah ♪

Hi, gang.

I just want to thank
you all for coming

and making this an
unforgettable night for all of us.

Now, let's all sing
"Happy Birthday" to Phillip.

Oh, and if any of you
boys in the band know it,

just chime in, okay?

- Happy birthday...
- Happy birthday...

All right. All right.

All right.

Now, we have that beautiful
birthday cake over there.

Why don't you all dig in?

Hey, dig in, good idea.

Hey, I can dig it.

Vivian, look at them.
They're like a pack of wolves.

Maybe if we sing "Goodnight,
Ladies," they'll go home.

I'll get them out of here.

Okay.

All right now, hear this.

I have had it with you, people.

I have seen better
manners at a baboon war.

Now in my hand,

I hold a sheet of
sandpaper, huh?

If you are not all out
of here in 10 seconds,

I am going to go
outside and sandpaper

the murals off the
side of your vans.

Ten, nine,

eight, seven,

six, five, four...

Uh-huh.

You thought you were
a big man, didn't you,

drinking beer?

You know, that reminds me of
my first date with my husband,

his mother got
sick just like you.

Phillip, I'm sorry if I
ruined your birthday party,

but I just didn't
know what else to do.

Oh, that's okay, Grandma.

They didn't come
for my birthday.

They were only here because
Jerry's house blew a fuse.

Well, at least you know

who your real friends are.

And who could
ask for better friends

than Jesus, Mary,
Joseph and Sam?

I'll help you clean
up, Mrs. Findlay.

Oh, good, darling.

Let's start with the kitchen.

Uh, Joseph, why
don't you help us?

And bring Jesus.

Mrs. Findlay, can I
use your bathroom?

Of course, dear.

I have to brush my teeth.

Somebody hit me in the
mouth with a piece of cake.

Well, Phillip, now I know
why adults are so rotten.

Most of them started
out as children.

You know, I'm gonna
have to apologize

to your grandfather
when he gets home.

Me, too.

I guess kids do need rules.

Honey, we all need them.

Grandma, before
grandpa gets home,

let's go in the kitchen
and split a beer.

I have a better idea.

Why don't we go into the kitchen

and watch Jerry throw up?

Oh, Vivian, what a night.

I have never seen
kids so uncontrollable,

especially the boys.

I just wonder at
what age young boys

stop acting like wild animals

and start acting like
responsible adults.

Boy, oh, boy, what a fight.

Oh, Hubie, where's Walter?

He's putting the
car in the garage.

You should have seen it.

It was the best fight
of its kind I ever saw.

I don't really like
boxing matches.

Nah, not the boxing match.

That was a bomb.

There was this terrific fight
at the refreshment stand

over who would get
the last box of Jujubes.

Grown men fighting for candy?

I guess some boys
never grow up, Maude.

Right.

Hi, Maude.

Walter...

That guy tried to
take away my Jujubes,

but I creamed him.

You were great, Walter.

Do you see those rules?

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh.

"Maude" was
recorded on videotape

before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪