Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 2 - Phillip and Sam - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪♪

♪ You're lovely to look at ♪

♪ Delightful to know ♪

♪ And heaven to kiss. ♪

Oh, God, you're foxy.

♪ Da da. ♪♪

Maude.

Maude, why are you
standing around singing

when we're due
at the club at 7.30?

You know it's my big night.

I can't be late.

Now, for crying out loud,
would you put on my tie.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.



Walter, you are on the verge of a
nervous breakdown, and for what?

Some dumb trophy you're
getting at your country club.

Hold it, Maude.

There's no such thing
as a dumb trophy.

I wanted to point that out to you before
you made a complete fool of yourself.

Carol, Carol, can you
imagine getting this excited

because you're voted "most
improved golfer of the month"?

Okay, Mrs. Ipsy-Pipsy.

It doesn't sound
like much to you,

but only 12 men a
year win that trophy.

Walter, mother's
very proud of you...

She just doesn't like going
to those country club dinners.

Oh, I love going to the
country club dinners.

I just wish they
didn't serve food.

The club's doing
the best they can.

I told you we lost our old chef.

Has anybody looked
in the clam chowder?

Maude, let's stop standing
around criticizing the food

and get dressed.

Walter, you are the
one who isn't dressed.

Yes, but I'm not
criticizing the food.

I'll get it.

- Hi, hon.
- Hello.

- Oh, hi, Maude.
- Hello, Andy.

Hey Carol, we'd
better step on it.

If we don't get there by 9:00 the
lodge won't hold the reservation.

Honey, I want you and Carol to just have a
wonderful time this weekend, do you hear?

Oh, we will.

If you'll take the suitcases
I'll be there in a minute.

Okay, bye, Maude.

Bye, and again, Andy,
have a wonderful time.

Oh, it's going to
be sensational.

The Lake Louise Lodge
is the most romantic spot

for lovers in the entire...

Andy, have a wonderful
time but don't tell me about it.

Andy, suitcase.

Oh, right, right.

Mother, will you do me a favor?

When Phillip gets home,
give him this note and this $10.

'Darling, off on a business
trip. Miss you. Mother'

Mother...

Business trip?

Don't start, mother.

Carol, why do you act as if
you and Andy are going away

for a dirty weekend?

- We are.
- Carol.

Well, that's the way
most people think of it.

Well, you don't, and
I don't. Now sit down.

- Mother, Andy's waiting.
- Andy will wait.

- Grrr!
- Don't get cute.

Why do you have to tell them
that you're off on a business trip?

Do you realize that on his next birthday
Phillip is going to be 15 years old?

I know that, Mother,

it's just that when Andy and I
started going on these weekends,

I felt Phillip was too
young to understand

and I haven't gotten
around to straightening it out.

Well, I think you should.

Honey, don't let that
baby face fool you.

He is a very mature young man.

Remember, honey, he's your son.

He was raised by an
intelligent, sensitive,

thoroughly understanding
grandmother.

You raised him? Where was I?

Most of the time, off
on your dirty weekends.

Oh, really, honey, don't you think
it's time to be honest with Phillip?

Yes, Mother, you're right.

I agree with
everything you've said.

I owe it to him to be
honest and believe me,

if he were here, I
would tell him the truth.

Hi.

Told Sam I'd pick up
some books from the library.

Honey, honey,
you're just in time.

Goodbye, darling.

Er, Carol,

isn't there something that we
both agreed you owe Phillip?

You're right, Mother.

Phillip...

here's $10, dear.
Have a nice weekend.

Carol. Just a minute.

Phillip,

Phillip, I think that
you are old enough

to understand a
meaningful relationship

between a man and a woman.

Well, your mother and Andy

have had this
kind of relationship

for quite some time now

and people who feel
this way about each other,

well, they have the
need to be together

and express those feelings so,

this weekend your mother and
Andy are going away on, um...

um...

they're going away on a...

Another phony business trip.

Right.

Phillip,

you've known about this?

Well, Andy's a great guy,

and my grandma says,

you and Andy have a
meaningful relationship.

Besides, you've been going on
these weekends for over a year.

Honey, why didn't
you say anything?

I thought the $10
was hush money.

Well, I would say we have done a
very good job with this young man.

Well, I guess we have.

Thanks, mother.

Thanks, babe.

- Bye.
- Goodbye, honey.

Oh, Phillip, Phillip,
I'm so proud of you.

You've accepted the situation
in a very mature manner

and I think you deserve
a little something extra

as a reward.

Only $5?

I don't have any guilt,
I'm married to Walter.

Honey, we'll be
home about midnight.

- I'm sorry you can't come.
- Oh, don't worry about me,
Grandma.

Sam's coming over and
we're gonna study tonight.

Oh, great. Listen,
I have an idea.

How would you like to
have Sam spend the night?

Hey, that would be great.

Terrific. There's ice
cream in the freezer.

You can make some
popcorn. Have I ever met Sam?

Oh, yeah, last week
at the basketball game.

I don't think I remember him.

Maude.

I want you to listen to
my acceptance speech.

Walter, get dressed.

Maude, just listen.

First, they introduce me,

and there's big applause,

I'm very popular.

Lot of people at the club say
I remind them of Clark Gable.

A lot of people at the
club are drunk, Walter.

Now come on, bird legs,
go and get your pants on.

You know, Grandma, maybe
you'd better ask Sam's parents.

It would sound better if
the invitation came from you.

That's a very good idea.

They won't be home yet, you can just
leave a message on their answering machine.

Here, wait for the beep.

Wait for the beep. Uh.

Hello.

This is Maude Findlay.

Look, your Sam is
coming over to study

with my grandson
Phillip and I thought,

since Phillip has bunk beds,

well it might be nice
if Sam spent the night.

Come in.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

Hi, hi, hi, Vivian,
you look beautiful.

Oh, I wasn't talking
to you, machine.

This is my friend Vivian.

Actually, she's my closest
friend... what am I doing?

Well, you look beautiful, too.

- Hello, Phillip.
- Hi.

What are you up to tonight?

My friend Sam's coming over to spend
the night, we have to study for an exam.

Now there's the kind of
boy that renews your faith

in the younger generation.

He's gonna stay home and study,

even though his mother's away
working hard on a business trip.

It's not a business
trip. Boy, Dr. Harmon,

you're living in
a fool's paradise.

Phillip, not in
front of the k-i-d.

Right.

They told him about
Carol and Andy.

Well, Maudie, I see you're
poisoning this boy's mind

with your liberated
view on you-know-what.

It's all right, Dr. Harmon,

we're learning
about sex in school.

Does your teacher
know about this?

Arthur, he is talking
about sex education.

Arthur, times have changed.

It's no longer a subject that's
only mentioned in whispers.

Well, I think it's disgusting and
there's entirely too much talk about it.

I mean, that's the
whole problem.

Everybody talks about sex but
nobody does anything about it.

Arthur, you do the best you can.

Now let's get going. Why is
everyone standing around?

Come on, come on. I
wanna get my trophy.

We don't wanna be late. They
may run out of chicken a la king.

Oh, I love that.

- You and Sam have a wonderful
night. See you later.
- Come on, Maude.

I'm coming. Oh,
now listen, Phillip,

I don't want you
messing up the kitchen

and I want you to
keep this door locked,

do not let in any strangers

- and...
- Hi, I'm Sam.

Oh, come on in, Sam.

You'll be spending the night. I
left a message with your family.

I'm coming, Walter.

And, Phillip, I expect
both of you in bed by 11:30.

Phillip, open the door.

Phillip.

Phillip.

Phillip, open that door.

Sam, would you mind
stepping into the den, please?

I'd like to talk to Phillip.

- Oh, sure, Mrs. Findlay.
- It'll just be a few moments.

- See you later, Phillip.
- All right.

You little son of a gun.

Walter, this is no
laughing matter.

Sit down, Phillip.

Now, Phillip, I want
you to be honest.

You knew all along that
Sam was a girl, didn't you?

I've known Sam was
a girl since third grade.

You little son of a gun.

Grandma, it was your idea in the
first place to have Sam spend the night.

Now just a minute, Phillip.

You knew I had no idea that
Sam was actually Samantha.

You should've said: "No,
Sam cannot spend the night

because I'm a boy
and she's a girl."

Why would a boy say
a dumb thing like that?

- You son of a gun.
- Walter.

I'm sorry, I'm
just a little edgy.

My grandson lied to me,

he deceived me,

tricked me into inviting
a girl to spend the night.

Phillip, I am hurt, I
am genuinely hurt.

The one thing I have always
expected from you is honesty.

Grandma, honest, I wasn't
trying to trick you into anything.

Oh, Phillip, I wanna
believe that so much.

I want desperately to
believe that the grandson

I love so much

is honest and decent.

I expected you to understand.

You see, I'd like to have a
meaningful relationship with Sam

and I have a need to
express those feelings.

You know, like mom
and Andy are doing.

Walter, could I see
you in the kitchen?

Kitchen! Kitchen!

Phillip, you stay here.

And Sam you stay there.

Walter, it's obvious you're
going to have to talk to Phillip.

Maude, why don't we
just send the girl home?

I have to get to the club.

It would kill me if Arthur
accepted the trophy for me.

Walter, Phillip needs the
guidance of a father figure.

Now, he worships
you, he respects you,

so it's obvious that you will have to be
the one to explain to him the difference

between his mother going
off for a weekend with Andy

and his having a girl
spend the night here.

All right...

but what is the difference?

Walter, if I knew,

would I send a dummy
like you in there?

Phillip, your grandpa
wants to talk to you.

Sure, Grandpa.

Phillip,

there are some things
a boy ought to know.

Walter, don't call him a
boy, he's practically a man.

Phillip, listen,

you're practically a man now.

Maybe you shouldn't say that
and get his hopes up. Boy is better.

Maude, why don't you tell him?

Walter, you're doing fine.

Okay... Phillip...

Ask him what he'd think

of adults who would let a girl
spend the night at a boy's house.

Phillip, what would
you think of adults

who would let a girl spend
the night at a boy's house?

I'd say they're
really understanding,

enlightened and liberated.

Well, then don't you think
you've done enough damage?

Phillip, let me explain.

You see, at your age,

having a girl spend the
night is totally inappropriate.

I mean, it is
something that is both

psychologically unsuitable and

socially unacceptable
and on top of that, Phillip,

it is morally wrong.

Why?

- What?
- Why?

Why?

Why is it wrong for Sam and
me and okay for mom and Andy?

I'm going to hit him.

Sure, when in doubt, hit a kid.

I'm sorry, honey, I didn't
mean to lose my temper.

Yeah, but I know what it
means when you say that.

It means you don't
have an answer.

I know you can't
prove to me that

morals are for kids and that
messing around is for adults,

so I won't embarrass
you any further.

I really wanna hit him.

Maude,

Maude,

my father always told me that

often the raging river overflows

in the midst of
the midnight storm,

but in the calm of the morning,

the banks dry out under
the kindness of the sun.

Now I want to hit you.

And your father.

What d'you want from my father?
He sharpened knives for a living.

Listen to me, Phillip,

I admit I don't have
all the answers,

but I do know this.

Until you are old enough,

you simply have
to play by our rules.

But, honey, at least give
me credit for one thing.

I've always been
honest with you.

I'm afraid Sam is
gonna have to go home.

Sam, you can come
out of the den now.

Thank you, Mrs. Findlay.

Oh, Sam.

Sam, you know something?

You remind me so much of
myself when I was your age.

So I imagine you were
listening at the door

and I don't have to fill
you in on the conversation.

I didn't have to
listen at the door,

your voice carried right over the
television show I was watching.

What were you watching?

"The World at War."

Sam, honey, there has been
a slight misunderstanding.

Dear, I'm afraid you're
going to have to go home.

Oh, I wasn't really planning
to stay over, Mrs. Findlay.

You weren't?

Oh, no. My father would never
let me stay over at a boy's house.

He's very strict.

Boy, wait until he hears grandma's
message about the bunk beds.

Mother, Walter, I thought
you'd be at the club by now.

What are you doing home?

We got as far as Stamford when I
realized I'd forgotten my allergy pills.

- Hi, Sam.
- Hi, Mrs. Traynor.

Sam, is someone
coming to pick you up?

A gray station wagon
pulled up right behind us.

Oh, that's my father.

Oh, boy, is he gonna kill me?

Don't be silly, Sam.
Honey, it was my error.

Yeah, but he's very
uptight about stuff like this.

He'll go right through the roof.

Sam, honey, why don't
you go and meet your dad

at the curb and save him
that long walk to the door.

That's probably your father now.

Wait, let's get
our story straight.

Walter, don't be silly.

Okay, go ahead. You're
the one who invited her here.

I'm in the clear.

I told you, it's just a
harmless misunderstanding

and if Sam's father is as
straight-laced as she says,

believe me, I can
take care of him.

If there's anything
I cannot stand

it's a person with a
holier-than-though attitude.

Is my daughter here?

Holy Toledo.

Nothing personal. Come in.

I demand to know what
kind of a house this is.

Well, it's a
two-story Colonial...

With four bedrooms and a den.

Well, we are the Findlays.
I'm Phillip's grandmother,

this is his grandfather.

Step grandfather.

I want to know exactly
what's going on around here.

When I got home just now

I found a very disturbing message
on my dial-a-prayer machine.

Maude, why don't you fill him
in. I go get some refreshments.

Walter...

I think we have Waverley
wafers out in the kitchen.

You stay right where
you are, Walter.

Remember we have done nothing
wrong in the eyes of the Lord.

As you see, I speak
your language.

Mrs. Findlay, if you think you
can joke your way out of this

you haven't got a
snowball's chance in hell.

You see, I speak
your language too.

Reverend, I'm afraid there's just
been a harmless misunderstanding.

You see, when I invited your
daughter to spend the night,

I just assumed that she was a
boy - you know the name Sam.

Yes, but Phillip
knew she was a girl.

Now what kind of a boy
would pull a trick like this?

Oh, Reverend,
please. He's just a child.

Remember you were
once a child yourself.

Yes, I was.

But I never got
away with diddly.

Oh, Carol, this is Sam's
father, the Reverend Harper.

Reverend, this is my
daughter Carol Traynor.

She's Phillip's mother.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Well, Sam, get your
books together. Let's go.

Oh, Reverend, I hope
you're not taking this seriously.

I mean I hope that you'll
allow Sam and Phillip

to study again
together tomorrow.

Mrs. Findlay, I'm
afraid I can't permit that.

I hardly think that Phillip
would've tried to pull a trick like this

if he didn't come from a...

well... from a permissive
household where

there were so-called liberated
views on the male/female relationship.

- What's going on here?
- Nothing I cannot handle.

Of course we have liberated views
on the male/female relationship.

Phillip, come here.

We want Phillip to
have a healthy attitude.

There's nothing
immoral about that.

I face this thing
honestly with Phillip

because I value honesty
about everything else,

and I can assure you that
Phillip gets the best possible

moral example from all
the adults in this home.

Carol, would you hurry up?

If we don't get there by
9:00 we lose the motel room.

Motel?

- Who is this?
- Oh, that's my mother's...

That's Carol's...

Andy.

You see, she's going
on a business trip

and he is her
business associate.

Yes, so they are
going to a motel

but you see they're taking
up motel management.

Yes, they are spending
the night in the same room

but there's a very
good reason for that.

They're married. Right.

Oh, well,

and judging from the
looks on their faces

I would say very recently.

Congratulations.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Findlay,
I was very upset but

I didn't mean to impugn
your moral integrity.

I guess I got,

as we say in the trade, a
little hot under the collar.

Reverend,

often the raging river

overflows in the midst
of the midnight storm,

but in the calm of the day

the banks dry out under
the kindness of the sun.

My, that's lovely.

Is it from the Bible?

Yes, it is.

You're a good
woman, Mrs. Findlay.

Well, come on, dear,
we'd best be going.

You can come back
tomorrow afternoon

and study with Phillip again.

- Okay. Bye Phillip.
- Bye, Sam. See you tomorrow.

Funny, I don't remember that
raging river quote from the Bible.

But then I haven't been reading
the bible as much as I should lately.

I'm so busy reading
all of those books

by Watergate defendants
who found Christ.

Good night.

Good night.

Could we go now, Carol, please?

Mother, you owe
me an explanation.

You lied right
in front of Phillip.

Carol, I was only trying to
protect our family's good name.

Phillip understands,
don't you, darling?

Sure, Grandma - same old thing.

I've gotta be honest
and you don't.

Phillip, wait, Phillip, wait.

Goodbye, Mother.

Carol, let me explain.

We're late. I'll
talk to you later.

Walter, nobody understands.

Maude, forget it.
Let's go to the club.

Walter, you
understand, don't you?

I mean, you know that sometimes
for the sake of the greater good

it's necessary to be dishonest.

Are you kidding?

How do you think I became the
most improved golfer of the month?

You little son of a gun.

Little son of a gun.

Come on.

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude... ♪♪