Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 3 - The Flying Saucer - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked. ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart, ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude! ♪♪

♪ Down by the... ♪

♪ Old mill stream ♪

♪ Down by the old mill stream ♪♪

I may be old-fashioned,
but this is great -

sitting on the porch
sipping lemonade.

People just don't sit out
on their porches anymore.

I wonder why.

For one thing, most of the porches in
this neighborhood have been stolen.

Anyway, think how lucky we are -

all over the country it's winter, and
we're having a beautiful Indian summer.

I just hope the weather
holds for the next few days.

I'm trying to sell the old
Farnsworth place this weekend.



Oh, this weekend's not a good time,
Maude, there's gonna be a full moon.

A full moon?

Oh, yeah.

My Grandmother Whitney always
said when there's a full moon, evils...

Vivian, nobody
wants to hear that junk.

Arthur always gets uptight

when I talk about my Grandma
Whitney's special powers.

Vivian, stop it!

Tell us! Tell us about
your grandmother's powers.

Don't pay any attention, Vivian.

No, really, I'm dying to hear.

Maude is just being polite!

No! I think she's
really interested.

Maude's never polite.

That's right, so
shut up, Arthur!

Now come, tell us all
about her special powers!

Vivian, have a heart!

Arthur, we all wanna hear!

Vivian, go ahead.

And everybody be quiet,
and don't interrupt her!

Well, my grandmother
had mystical powers -

she could read minds
and foretell the future.

But I think the most
amazing thing she did

was to get rid of headaches.

See, if you had a headache,

she'd put a glass of
water on top of your head.

And then she'd hold a lighted
match just in front of your mouth.

She'd have you breathe on it.

But not enough to put it out.

And then she'd put the match

in the glass of water...

..then she'd throw the water
out the window onto the sidewalk

and you would feel fine.

But... whoever
stepped into the puddle

would get your headache.

Well, why don't
we all go inside?

Both of you, now sit down.

You're both being
very rude to Vivian.

Maude, did you hear
what she just said?

Vivian, if you go around
telling these kooky stories

about your grandmother,
what are people gonna think?

Oh, Arthur, who cares
what people think?

That's the trouble
with the world today -

nobody says what
he really thinks

because everybody is so
afraid of becoming unpopular!

Sure, that's easy for you to say,
you've always been unpopular.

That is not true.

I was very popular with
the boys in the Sixth Fleet

during World War Two.

Oh, Maude!

No, but seriously, Maude,

I really wanna thank
you for defending me.

That's what I used to say to the boys
in the Sixth Fleet in World War Two.

You know, there was another
story about my grandmother

that really shows
her mystical powers.

Vivian, I think
we've had enough.

No, go ahead, I wanna
hear about it. What is it?

Well, this is almost
psychic, but...

whenever I would get
on a trolley or a streetcar

with my grandmother...

Ooh!

She always...

..had the exact change.

Yeah, maybe we should go inside.

I'll get the lemonade
and the glasses.

Grab the cookies, will you?

It was... It's true!
It was amazing!

You all go on, I'll finish
cleaning up out here.

She always had the exact...
It was positively spooky!

- Walter!
- What?

- Walter, come quickly!
- What's the matter?

- Walter, bring the camera!
- The camera? OK.

Oh, here it is.

But I gotta get the
flash attachment...

Wait a minute, for
crying out... Maude!

What is it?

- What do you want
the camera for?
- What's up, Maudie?

Maude?

Maude!

Maude!

What did you wanna
take a picture of?

Gosh, look at her - she
can't talk, she's speechless.

I'd like a picture of that!

I don't believe...
I-I don't believe it.

Maude, what did you see?

Nothing.

Nothing, nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

My gosh, I've never
seen Maude like that.

Boy, she must have seen
something pretty awful.

Maude, are you feeling better?

Maude, can you tell us
what happened now? Hm?

Oh, Vivian...

Vivian, what I saw
tonight is something...

I'll never forget
as long as I live.

- What?
- Here you are, honey.

What, what, what?
What, what, what, what?

Look at me, I'm
shaking like a leaf.

Arthur, can't you
give her something?

Yeah, I guess I could.

Maudie... try one of these.

Thanks. Is it all right
to take this with alcohol?

Sure, it's just a Tic-Tac.

Honey, tell us what you saw.

Well...

I was standing out
on the porch and...

I heard this sound.
Didn't any of you hear it?

No.

You mean none of you saw
anything unusual out there?

No.

No.

All right!

Well...

first there was
this whirring sound,

it seemed to come from
the top of the tree and I...

I looked up - there it was.

There what was?!

A strange cigar-shaped object

hovering just above.

And then it started flashing
yellow and blue lights and...

then it just flew straight
up at an incredible speed!

Whirring sound?
Incredible speed?

OK, Maudie.

Let's look at the facts.

Now, you claim...

I do not claim I saw
anything, I did see it.

OK.

Cigar-shaped object, hovering
above, flashing colored lights.

Yes.

You saw the Goodyear blimp!

Arthur, I did not see a blimp!

Maybe it was a
police helicopter.

It was not a helicopter!

Wait a second!

The other day I saw an airplane

advertising a new
Mexican restaurant

and it was towing a
great big enchilada.

Maybe that's what it was.

Walter, I know a flying
enchilada when I see one!

Why don't we just
come out and say it?

You saw a flying saucer.

Yes.

Yes, I saw one.

I saw one.

I'm sorry, and I hate myself
for having to say this, but...

yes. Oh, my God, I
saw a flying saucer!

I never believed
these things existed.

Well, if you saw
it, I believe it.

And I think you better
report this to the police.

The police?

Wait a minute.

If Maude saw a UFO,

a lot of other people
in Tuckahoe saw it too.

Let someone
else call the police!

I agree with Walter.

Arthur, what if it's
an enemy spaceship?

What if there's thousands
of them out there?

What if they're
waiting to attack us,

killing every man,
woman and child

as they take over our world?

Vivian, I just don't think
we should get involved.

Vivian is right - it is
my duty as a citizen

to report what I
saw to the police.

Maude, they'll think you've got
a loose top on your cookie jar!

Walter, I do not care if they think I
have a loose top on my cookie jar!

I saw what I saw!

I mean, I've always been
a doubting Thomas, but...

obviously these things do exist.

And if people are
to take it seriously,

then it is the respected
members of the community

who must be in the forefront.

Maude...

No. Walter, if the police
hear this from Maude Findlay,

they will take it seriously.

Because if there's one
thing I have in this community,

it is the respect of my
fellow Tuckahoeans.

Oh, hello. Sergeant?
Maude Findlay.

You remember I ran for
State Senate last year?

He voted for me.

Oh... Oh, no, really.

Sergeant!

I am not one of the
great women of the world.

Oh, you were with
the Sixth Fleet?

Well, that's very nice of you.

Yes, it was a disappointment.

But, Sergeant, I really
have something terribly...

I have something terribly
important to report to you.

Sergeant, I have just
seen a flying saucer.

Yes, Tuggie, it's something
that happened last night

and just I'm terribly excited
and terribly upset about it,

but I can't discuss
it over the phone.

I'll see you at 2:30. Right.

- Maude,
who were you talking to?
- That was Tuggie McKenna,

probably the best television
newscaster in Tuckahoe.

When he gets here, I'm going
to tell him about the flying saucer.

Maude, that's crazy.

It is not crazy, Walter.

One half hour ago, I was on the
phone with a Mr. Jordan Hancock

and he was most interested in
what I had to tell him about last night.

And do you know what
Mr. Jordan Hancock does, Walter?

Drink?

It so happens, Walter,
that Mr. Jordan Hancock

works for an
independent organization

that investigates all reports

about any unidentified
flying object.

And, Walter, he is on his
way over here right now.

Maude, you're
getting in too deep!

Maude, may I speak to you?

Well, of course,
Vivian. Sit down, dear.

I mean... may I speak frankly?

Well, of course, Viv.

- Very frankly?
- Yes, Viv.

Well, it's about the
flying saucer you saw.

What about it?

- May I speak frankly?
- Yes, Viv!

What is it?

Well, half the neighborhood
thinks you're crazy.

Vivian, may I ask
you a question?

Of course.

Do you think I'm crazy?

May I speak frankly?

Vivian, I might
as well tell you,

I do not care what
anybody thinks.

The police, the
neighbors, anybody!

I am going to stand up and
tell exactly what I saw last night.

It is my responsibility.

I don't care how loose
people think my cookies are.

Or whatever the hell
that damn expression is!

Oh, I wish I had your courage

to stand up and tell what I saw.

Viv, you mean you saw
the same thing last night?

Oh, no, no, it...
it was last winter.

Vivian, why didn't you tell?
Vivian, what did you see?

Well...

- Well, one night...
- Yeah?

I was standing outside, just...

- just looking up at the sky.
- Yeah.

You know, the way people just
like to look at the stars and stare.

Of course, of course.

So anyway, I was just
looking up at the sky.

Yes.

You know, sort of just staring.

Yes, yes, yes!

A light snow began
to fall and then...

all of a sudden, there was...
there was a big flash of light and...

there it was.

I... I... I just couldn't
believe my eyes.

Vivian, what did you see?

Santa Claus.

Vivian, may I speak frankly?

Go home! You're
giving me a headache!

Headache! You know, I told
you about my grandmother's...

Leave, Vivian!

- Where she puts the glass...
- Out!

Oh.

Walter, I don't understand.
I don't understand.

The police laughed in my face.

Vivian told me the
neighbors think I'm crazy.

Even Crazy Vivian
thinks I'm crazy!

Oh, I wish Mr. Hancock from
the UFO agency was here.

I need the support of
another person, Walter.

I mean, I'm strong, but I don't know
how much more of this I can take!

Maude, I'd like to
tell you something.

Of course, darling. What is it?

May I speak frankly?

NO!

Hello! Just a second.

Maude, it's for you.

Jordan Hancock.

Mr. Hancock, why aren't
you here? I was expec...

What do you mean you need
another witness who saw what I saw?

That's ridiculous!

You know I'm an extremely respected
and responsible member of this commu...

What's that?

Of course you may speak frankly.

You've already made a
preliminary investigation of me?

Yes, that's true.

That's true, I am under
the care of a psychiatrist.

But who isn't?

Now listen, if you do not
think that I am credible,

I am going to let my
husband straighten you out.

He is right here and he can tell
you what a credible person I am.

Yes.

Yes, that's true,
he is an alcoholic.

But, he has not had one drink

since he attempted
suicide last year.

All right, get another witness!

I hope you're satisfied - you
just destroyed my credibility.

OK, Maude, that's it. The
flying saucer joke is over!

Listen, Walter, I'm...

Maude, just give it up!

Or else you'll be the
laughing stock of Tuckahoe.

You're all alone, Maude,
there's nobody on your side.

Oh, Phillip, what happened?

You've torn the pocket
off your brand-new shirt.

I got into a fight with that
loudmouth Jerry Savio.

He said you were off
your rocker, Grandma

and I couldn't let him
get away with that.

Oh, Phillip. Oh, Phillip.

I'll cherish this day
for as long as I live.

When I felt I was all alone,

abandoned on all sides,

my grandson...

the bright light of my
life, came to my rescue

and gave me the courage

to continue to stand
up for what I believe.

Oh, Phillip, I'm
very proud of you.

Thanks, Grandma.

I told Jerry, even if
you are off your rocker,

he shouldn't go around
telling people about it!

Gee, Grandma, you're
in a bad mood today.

I'm sorry, Phillip. I'm sorry.

I just have a terrible headache.

Let's leave Grandma
alone, Phillip.

I'll bring you down a
couple of aspirin, Maude.

In the meantime, think
about that television reporter.

Laughingstock, Maude!

Maudie, what do you... what
do you think you're doing?!

Arthur, it's perfectly obvious.

I was just throwing
water at you.

Oh, I see.

Oh, listen, Maudie, I
owe you an apology.

I had lunch at the club
and I ran into Judge Moffit.

I haven't seen him for some time.
You know Judge Moffit, don't you?

- No, I don't.
- That's his car coming up now.

I asked him to follow me
here. Right over here, Judge!

Maude, Judge Moffit saw
the flying saucer last night,

just like you did.

Oh!

He told me so at lunch.

Oh! He...

He saw it? He actually saw it?

Yes. That's why I want
to apologize to you.

Oh!

Now that I know that it's true.

You see, the judge
is a Republican.

Oh!

Moffit: May I come in?

Arthur: Maude, this is
Judge Leonard B. Moffit.

Arthur: Retired Justice of the
New York State Supreme Court,

Professor Emeritus,
Columbia Law School.

Oh... Oh, Judge.
Oh, Judge, it's...

it's such a...

a pleasure meeting you.
Please, please come in.

You mean, Judge, you actually
saw the flying saucer, too?

Oh, yes, indeed,
I saw it all right.

I could hardly believe my eyes.

Cigar-shaped, flashing lights?

That's it, all right.

Oh! Oh, thank you, God, for
sending me a credible witness.

Oh! Oh, I can't tell
you what a relief this is.

Uh, excuse me. Mrs. Findlay?

- Yes.
- Tuggie McKenna, WBLT News.

Oh.

Tuggie, yes, come
in, come in, come in.

Mrs. Findlay, I know you didn't want
to talk about it on the phone today,

but I got some other calls.

Some of your neighbors
think you saw a flying saucer.

- Is that what this is about?
- It certainly is.

Tuggie, I want
you to interview me

and my illustrious acquaintance,

the Honorable Supreme Court
Justice Judge Leonard B. Moffit.

That is, Judge, if
it's all right with you.

Oh, yes, indeed. We
must step forward!

Hey, hey! Dynamite!

OK, guys, let's set it up!

Maude, what's going on?

Oh, Walter! Walter, this
is Judge Leonard B. Moffit.

Judge, my husband,
Walter Findlay.

Oh, Walter, the judge
saw the flying saucer, too.

You actually saw it?!

That's right.

We're giving out an interview.

Holy cow!

Maude, here's your aspirin.

Oh, Walter, I don't need them
any more - my headache's gone!

Walter, I could use a couple.

Oh, Judge, I cannot tell
you what a relief this is.

I tell you, everybody
doubted me.

My neighbors
thought I was crazy.

Even my husband, my
own husband questioned me.

I know what that's like.

I went through the same
thing the first time I saw one.

I just learned to ignore people.

Judge, Mrs. Findlay, you wanna
step over here on the landing?

We'll be doing the
interview from here.

OK. Just right over there.

Maude: Erm...

The first time? You mean
you've seen flying saucers before?

Oh, yes - I see
them all the time.

Usually on Thursday nights,
after I've taken my medicine.

Sometimes I ride in them!

OK, Vince, we'll
start with a two-shot,

then we'll zoom
in to Mrs. Findlay.

Judge, you ride in them?

Where? Where?

Oh, I've been
to all the planets:

Venus, Mars, Pluto...

Donald Duck...

OK, we'll be with you
in just one second.

Now I only go in the
flying saucers to Mars,

because they're the only
ones that have seat belts.

I've grown very
safety conscious.

You know what the
Martians like to eat?

Marshmallows.

They call them Martian-mallows.
It's a little joke they have.

I've grown quite attached
to marshmallows myself.

This is Tuggie McKenna.

I'm at the Elm Street home
of Mrs. Maude Findlay.

They eat them with pepper.

Here is retired State Supreme
Court Justice, Leonard Moffit.

There have been rumors of
flying saucers in this neighborhood,

rumors that Mrs. Findlay
has seen these flying saucers.

And I'm asking you
now, Mrs. Maude Findlay,

what do you have to
say about these reports

that you have seen
a flying saucer?

I deny everything.

My cookies are just
as tight as anybody's!

Of course, I cannot
speak for the judge here,

but then again, why should I?

I have never met
this charlatan before!

It was my neighbor, Dr. Arthur
Harmon, who dragged him over here!

I say there are no such
things as flying saucers!

At least I have never
seen a flying saucer!

And I want to make
that perfectly clear:

there are no flying saucers!

I have never seen one.

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪