Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 1 - Maude's Guilt Trip - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad she showed up?

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromising,
enterprising ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizing ♪

♪ Right-on, Maude! ♪

Morning, Maudie!

Hi, Maude! Wait
till you see these!

I'll be with you
in just a second.

My aunt Tinkie is calling me

from the airport in Schenectady.

She is flying down here
to spend a week with us.



Your aunt, Tinkie?

She is a terrible old
woman, just awful.

Nobody can stand her.

She's the only
person in Schenectady

who was ever thrown
out of a Tupperware party.

Tinkie, how are you?

Tinkie, why are you phoning
me? Why aren't you on the plane?

Oh, they're just boarding.

Of course they will let you go

to the bathroom on the plane.

Airplanes are perfectly safe.

I demand that you get
on board and... Tinkie.

Tin...

Operator, all I
can hear is static.

Right. She'll call me back.

Why doesn't your aunt
want to get on the plane?

Tinkie is deathly
afraid of flying.

Why doesn't she
take a Greyhound bus?

She's even more afraid of
live chickens in picnic baskets.

You know, Maude,

I don't think you ever told me
you had an aunt named Tinkie,

not that I blame you.

Well, she's really not my aunt.

She's just this terrible
old friend of my mother's,

you know the type.

I always had to
kiss her good-bye,

but she never left.

If you don't like her, why
did you invite her down here?

Guilt. Guilt. I really should
have my head examined.

You know, the last time
she called me, she said,

"What do you care
about a poor old woman

when you're having so much
fun with your rich friends."

Maude, aren't you
exaggerating just a little?

Vivian, I swear to you, her
tea kettle doesn't whistle.

It whines.

No, enough about
Tinkie. What are all these?

Well, we just ran
over to show you

where we're going on our trip.

We don't have very much
time as we still have to pack,

but we wanted you to
see these brochures.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oh, oh, how I envy
you two going off

to a romantic island paradise.

I'd give anything in the world
to get away for a few days,

but Walter says
we can't afford it.

It's so expensive.

Boy, I'll say.

Our hotel room cost practically
100 smackaroos a day.

That's so much money.

Yes, that's why Arthur
says thanks heavens

for those Medicare patients.

Vivian.

He says just give him 20 of
those sick old people and it's

- around the world in 80 days.
- Vivian!

We gotta go home and pack.

All right, Arthur.

20 of those sick old people.

I don't want you to get the idea

that I profiteer from
Medicare, Maude.

I mean, I only take what
the government gives me.

That's right. It's not his fault
it happens to be a fortune.

- Vivian.
- What?

Hello. Oh, yes,
Operator. Put it through.

Aunt Tinkie...

I did not hang up on you.

I am sorry about that.

No, I'm sorry.

I am sorry about that.

That's right. Static.

You what?

Oh, Aunt Tinkie, you
should not have done that.

I told you, plane
travel is perfectly safe.

I really am... Tinkie,
Tinkie, Tinkie?

Operator, we were cut off,

and I just wanna say thank you.

OK, Maude, I'm off to the
airport to pick up your Aunt Tinkie.

That was Tinkie on
the phone just now.

You know what that
terrible woman did?

She put a dollar in
one of those machines

and bought a $50,000
flight insurance policy

naming me beneficiary.

Why would she do that?

Oh, to make me
feel guilty, Walter.

She said, "If anything
terrible happens,

don't blame yourself
for killing me, Maude.

Just enjoy the blood money."

Guilt, guilt!

Maude, what's this?

Oh, these are Arthur
and Viv's travel brochures.

Oh, Walter, I envy them.

You know, we haven't
been on a vacation in ages.

Money's tight, Maude.

I know, but, honey,
after Aunt Tinkie leaves,

couldn't we go away somewhere?

Just the two of us
for a couple of days?

Couple of days?

Well, why not? Where
do you wanna go?

Oh, honey, I could... anywhere,

just to get out of the house.

Where? As long as it
doesn't cost too much.

- I don't care
if we go a block away.
- Come on, Maude, where?

Rome.

Rome?

Rome.

Rome where the Pope lives?

Honey, we don't have to
see him if we don't want to.

Maude, are you crazy?

I'm sorry.

You should have
married a travel agent.

I think I did, once.

Maude, I'd better
get to the airport.

What airline is
she coming in on?

American? United? Allegheny?

Scooby Doo.

Scooby Doo Airlines.
It's one of those...

one of those low-cost
commuter operations.

But, Walter, we saved $8.

Scooby Doo?

Tinkie won't mind.

She's spending the
whole trip in the toilet.

Okay.

You know I don't even know
what your Aunt Tinkie looks like.

How will I recognize her?

Oh, that's very easy.

Just look for a
woman with a terribly

pained expression on her face

who looks as though she
feels life is not worth living,

not even for another minute.

And that will be Tinkie?

No. That will be the
person who sat next to her.

She'll point her out to you.

Tinkie's not here yet?

No. I guess her
plane was delayed.

I'm fixing lunch for her.

She never wants lunch, does she?

Oh, that is not quite true.

She never wants lunch
when you have it ready for her.

But if you have not prepared
anything then she says,

"Where is my
lunch? I'm famished."

So this time I'm
playing it safe.

I'm making her lunch,

but I'm using chicken I was
gonna throw out anyway.

Poor Tinkie.

Poor Tinkie?

Well, Mother you have to
admit, she is sort of a sad case.

You know, Carol, I've
always suspected this.

You like Tinkie, don't you?

That's silly.

Admit it! Admit you like
Tinkie. And you know why?

Because when you were little

she used to make you
those molasses cookies.

I hated those damn
molasses cookies.

Besides, she also
used to tell me

if I had sex before
marriage, Id' go bald.

Yeah...

I remember when you
were in high school,

you were always pleading with me

to take you
shopping for turbans.

What makes you think I like her?

Oh, because you've always been
more forgiving of people than I.

It's one of your weak points.

Oh, admit it, Carol.
You love Tinkie.

Mother, I do not love Tinkie.

Admit it. I want you
to say, "I love Tinkie."

I do not love Tinkie. I hate
her as much as you do.

You're a good daughter, Carol.

Maude? Maude. I just
heard it on the radio.

Heard what?

A plane coming from Schenectady,

it crashed.

No...

What airline?

I don't think I heard it right.
It sounded like Scooby Doo.

It's Tinkie.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God.

Were there any survivors?

Well, they're not sure. They
can't even get to the plane.

But, Maude, it
doesn't look very good.

It crashed in a
mountainous area.

Oh.

Oh, poor, sweet, dear Tinkie.

Gone?

She always used to make
me molasses cookies.

I'd say a prayer, but
there are no prayers,

there are no words to describe

how one feels
at a time like this.

Maude...

Yes, Viv.

Why don't we all hold
hands and sing "Feelings"?

Vivian...

go on vacation.

I guess I'd better call
Walter at the airport.

He probably hasn't
heard about this.

Maybe he can get us some
more information on the crash.

Maude.

Maude: Oh, Walter.

Maude, on life's highway
there are many strange twists.

We are mere mortals.

We don't have any control
over what the fates decree.

What I'm trying
to say, Maude, is...

Tinkie is not with me.

I know.

But thank you for trying
to break it to me so gently.

Break what to you?

That Tinkie is dead.

You knew?

Viv told me.

I wanted to tell her.

- I'm sorry!
- Big mouth!

I heard it first!

She's my wife! I
should have told her.

She's my best friend and
I have some rights, too.

You spoiled everything, Vivian.

Will you two stop
it? A woman is dead.

How can you stand
there and bicker

over who is gonna tell Mother?

You're right, Carol. I'm sorry.

I guess I could tell Aunt
Rhonda up in Boston.

I wanna tell Aunt Rhonda.

Well, at least I
can tell Arthur.

I already told him.

There's nobody
left for me to tell?

Maude, what is it?

Oh, Walter,

I was the one who forced
Tinkie to get on that plane.

Maude, it's not your fault.

Walter, if it hadn't
been for me,

Tinkie would be alive right now.

I killed her!

Don't say things like
that. It was an act of God.

It's ironic.

Tinkie takes out at
$50,000 insurance policy

just to make Maude feel guilty,

and then the plane
actually crashes.

Oh, the guilt, the
guilt. Oh, the guilt!

You're gonna get $50,000, Maude.

Walter, who cares? I
killed her! I killed her!

And nothing,
nothing can take away

this awful, horrible guilt

that is eating
away at my insides.

Nothing! Nothing can
take my mind off that.

There must be something?

Maybe a trip to Rome
would do the trick.

I swear I didn't mean
that about Rome.

I swear it. Walter,
pull out my tongue.

- Maude.
- Pull out my tongue.

Mother, of course you didn't
mean it. It's just the shock.

Of course, Maude, it's
perfectly understandable.

- Thanks, Viv.
- I mean, it's not every day

you're responsible
for someone's death.

What?

Calm down.

Oh, you're right. You're right.

I suppose we should try to get
some information on the crash.

I'll go call Arthur.

He has a friend who works
for The Associated Press.

I'll throw Tinkie's lunch
away for you, mother.

She'd like that.

Thank you, Carol.

Oh, Walter. Walter,

I cannot believe that
plane actually crashed.

I cannot believe it.

Maude, you can't let
this get the best of you.

Walter, I am not to be forgiven.

I mean, Tinkie
meets a horrible fate,

and the next thing you know

I'm talking about
taking my husband

and going off to Rome
on her insurance money.

Why not?

Walter, how can
you be so insensitive?

Don't say things like
that. I'm thinking of you.

I happen to be a
very tender, caring,

sensitive human being.

I'm as upset about
Tinkie as you are.

Should I tell
Arthur anything else

before he calls The
Associated Press?

See if you can get a
score on the Jets game.

I'm sensitive, but
life has to go on.

I think I'll get
something to eat.

Arthur's going to let us know

the minute he
finds out anything.

Thanks, Viv.

Mother, I'll go upstairs

and call Aunt
Rhonda about Tinkie.

Never mind, honey. I'll...

I'll call Rhonda myself, later.

Oh, no, Mother, I insist.
You have enough to do.

All right, but don't you
dare tell anybody else.

Oh, all right.

Maude...

Maude, I've been
thinking about Tinkie.

Let's go to Rome!

Well, that just strikes
me as so unfeeling.

What do you think, Carol?

Well,

I don't see what
difference it would make.

What about you, Viv?

I think Tinkie would
have wanted it that way.

Both: No, she wouldn't.

Who cares what she thinks?
We paid for the plane ticket.

Sorry.

I'd better go call Rhonda
before some blabber mouth

gets there first.

On life's highways,

there are many strange twists...

Think about it, Maude.

Rome.

And our travel agent could
arrange things very quickly.

He's wonderful.

Oh, Walter. Walter,
don't you understand?

I have as much guilt
as I can possibly handle.

I mean, if we were to go
away on a luxury trip to Rome

on Tinkie's insurance money,
I could never forgive myself.

Maybe the Pope
could forgive you.

You'll ask him.

The worst he could say is no.

Walter, you know
what we could do?

We could go to Rome.

But it won't be a vacation.
That would be so ugly.

We could make it a sort of a
pilgrimage in Tinkie's honor.

Was she Catholic?

What the hell's the difference.
Isn't it a marvelous idea?

- When should we go?
- As soon as we can.

Well, now wait a minute.

Tinkie didn't
have any relatives,

so we'll have to make
the funeral arrangements.

Do you know that
we could have her up

in Schenectady
buried by Tuesday,

be back here Wednesday,
and then leave for Rome?

Why don't we bury
here in Tuckahoe?

It's closer to
JFK International.

That would work, too.

Maude, come here and
talk to my travel agent.

He'll arrange
everything. Mr. Foster.

This is so exciting.

Mr. Foster, Maude Findlay.

Yeah, I'm a friend
of Vivian Harman's.

Yeah. My husband
and I are planning

a holy pilgrimage to
Rome starting Wednesday.

Yes, and coming back...

How long are we going to stay?

A week.

My husband will be
coming home after a week,

but I'll be there three
weeks to a month.

Yes, and we'd like to stay

in a little place
I've read about,

the Villa Mortadella.

Yes. We'd like a suite.
Money is no object.

Yes, it is a pilgrimage,
but we're not fanatics.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

He's going to
arrange everything.

What? I can go to Gucci.

I can go to Pucci.

You can go to Pucci
and I can go to Pucci.

Both: ♪ Pucci,
Pucci, Pucci, poo ♪

♪ And Gucci, Gucci, Gucci... ♪

Maude, you know
what else might be nice?

You could light a candle
for Aunt Tinkie at St Peter's.

Ah, Viv, that's a
marvelous idea.

And if we can find
the time, we'll do that.

Both: ♪ Pucci,
Pucci, Pucci, poo... ♪

Maudie, Walter, listen. Listen.

I just talked to my friend Bill
Hickey at The Associated Press.

Rescuers can't
get near that plane

because of the weather up there,

but they have
spotted a lone survivor,

wandering through the woods.

You lie!

Madue, we don't
know that it's Tinkie.

Shut up, Walter.
Of course, it's Tinkie.

Who else would pull this
just to ruin our pilgrimage?

Maude! That poor old woman

could be struggling for her life

up on that mountain.

Of course! That shows
how selfish she is.

Oh, my God, what am I
saying? What am I doing?

Oh, am I some kind of animal?

Oh, Arthur, you must...

You must think
I'm an awful person.

Yes, Maudie, I'm
afraid that I do.

Arthur, you mean you knew
they were going to Rome

on Tinkie's insurance money?

No, I didn't know that.

I just think Maude
is an awful person.

This time, Arthur,
I'm afraid you're right.

But, thank God, there
is at least a chance

that Tinkie may still be alive.

I don't want to get
your hopes up too high.

Chances aren't very good

that that old lady
could survive that crash.

Walter, my mind is made up.

If we do go to Rome, God forbid,

we're going to go
with the proper respect.

We are going to make it a
real pilgrimage for Tinkie.

We will light a candle for
her as soon as we get there,

and there will be no
Gucci and no Pucci.

That makes sense to me.

And we'll get a very small
suite at the Mortadella.

We don't even
have to stay there.

- I'm not giving it up.
- Okay.

And...

of course, if our
prayers are answered,

we won't be able to go at all

because Tinkie
will still be alive.

Let's hope so.

That's probably Bill Hickey.
I told him to call me here.

Dr. Arthur Harman here.

Oh, Bill.

Yeah, what have you got?

Oh, I see.

Well, thanks for
all your help, Bill.

Yeah, I'll tell them.

That was Bill Hickey, all right.

They've identified
the lone survivor.

It's the pilot.

The pilot? Maude,
it's the pilot!

I'm sad about Aunt Tinkie.
I'm just happy for the pilot.

Well, at last,

all our desperate hours
of waiting are over.

Listen, lamb chop,
we'd better be going.

We've a lot of packing
to do before our trip.

All right, Arthur.
Good-bye, Maude.

I'm just so sorry
for all your troubles.

Vivian, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for your
support and your sympathy

in my moment of grief.

Yes, yes.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. ♪ La la la la la la ♪

I'd better call my mother

and break the news about Tinkie.

This will probably come
as a big blow to her.

Maude, why don't
I tell your mother?

Walter, what is
this morbid thing

you have about telling bad news?

I'll tell her and that's that.

But I didn't get
to tell anybody.

That's tough. She is my
mother and I get to tell her.

Mother.

Maude.

Mother, on life's highway...

there are many strange...

what do you mean you know
about Tinkie? Who told you?

Aunt Rhonda?

Well, then I'll have
to call cousin Darryl.

- Let me have cousin Darryl.
- You can have Phillip.

What good is Phillip?
He won't even be upset.

It's the best I can do!

I have an idea.

We make a list
of all our relatives,

and then we'll divide it
up fairly and squarely,

and decide who shall
tell whom about Tinkie.

I hope you're satisfied,
Maude Findlay.

That was the
worst trip I ever had.

Aunt Tinkie.

Aunt Tinkie, we thought...

- We thought...
- I know, I know.

You thought I missed my plane.

I didn't miss it. I just
refused to get on it.

I would have been
the only passenger,

so I took the bus.

Oh, Aunt Tinkie,
you took the bus.

Oh, watch your dress.

A chicken got sick on my sleeve.

Did you make me some
lunch? I hope so. I'm famished.

Tinkie, this is my
husband, Walter.

I expected you to
be better looking.

Don't you have any air purifier?

I'm allergic to dust.

Maybe you can rent
one while I'm here.

It wouldn't hurt to clean
up this house a little.

- Well..
- Excuse me.

Maude, that was
the travel agency.

We're confirmed at the
Villa Mortadella in Rome.

Tinkie: Oh, Walter,

where's your manners
for heaven's sake?

Help me off with my coat.

How's your mother?

I suppose you
never even call her.

Well, what about lunch?

Just because I'm an old lady

doesn't mean I don't get hungry,

but first I've gotta take
a look at that kitchen.

I hope it's cleaner
than the living room.

Announcer: This program was
recorded before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪