Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 15 - My Husband, the Hero - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

Okay, guys, let's
set it up right here.

Sandy, over there.

- Perfect, Sebastian.
- Here we go.

All right.

We'll shoot this as
the background, okay?

- Yeah, terrific.
- Is that good?



Yeah, yeah.

Whenever you're ready.

Okay. We're rolling.

You're on.

This is Tuggie McKenna

for the WZMZ News Break

on tonight's restaurant fire

at Skipper Dwayne's
Halibut Palace.

I'm here at Tuckahoe
General Hospital

where most of the victims

of tonight's fire
have been brought.

No serious injuries are
reported at at this time.

Most...

Most of the people you seen here

are being treated
for smoke in which...

Smoke inhalation,
minor cuts and bruises.

What are you doing?

What in the world
is going on here?

We're trying to do a
television show, Dr. Harmon.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
don't have any time

to be on a television show now.

I'm looking for my wife.

Thank you Dr. Peretz.

Oh, Maude. Where's Vivian?

- Is she all right?
- She is just fine,

just a little burn
on her finger.

As a matter of fact, Sharon
and Stu Dempsey are here

and they've already
driven her home.

Oh, what a relief.

I was on my way to
join you at the restaurant

when I heard the
news on the car radio.

Oh, Arthur, it was frightening.

It was frightening.

I mean, there we were,
Walter, Vivian and I

having a pleasant dinner

at Skipper Dwayne's
Halibut Palace.

And all of a sudden, there
was smoke and flames

and utter confusion.

Well, how about you,
Maude, is this serious?

Oh, no, no. It's
just a small bruise.

Now, one of the young
doctors patched me out.

He asked me a few questions

and he seemed quite pleased.

What did he ask you?

If I had medical insurance.

Oh, good.

I'm glad that they're
not forgetting the rules.

So often in a
disaster like this,

the young doctors simply panic,

start treating the victims

before they even know
whether they can pay or not.

Maude.

Maude, what is it?

Arthur, I get so mad
every time I think of it.

Do you know how I hurt my arm?

Well, when the fire
started, in the confusion,

you're not going
to believe this,

some man actually
pushed me into a wall,

so he could get out ahead of me.

I mean, have you ever
heard of anything so cowardly?

Oh, Maude, that is terrible.

Did you get a look at him?

No, there was too much smoke.

Oh. Thank God for Walter.

Arthur, Walter restored
my faith in mankind.

What did he do?

Arthur, Walter was a hero.

Walter saved a life.

He saved a life?

Wow.

That's something I've
always wanted to do.

We've become
separated after that coward

threw me against the wall,

but when I went outside,

there was Walter
in the parking lot

giving mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation

to a victim who had been
overcome by smoke inhalation.

Oh, Arthur.

I was so proud.

I was... I was so proud.

I wasn't crazy about the fact

that it was a 22-year-old
cocktail waitress.

Arthur, I was proud.

No, no, they just told me...

Will you guys leave me alone?

I'm not a hero.

Sure you are, Mr. Findlay.

You're the perfect
human interest story.

Look, will you leave
me alone, please?

Walter, you old son of a gun.

You're a hero.

Come on, tell us all about it.

Arthur, enough with
the hero business.

Sweetie, I'm sorry I'm late,

but I was trying
to find a doctor.

I want another
opinion on your arm.

You really want another opinion?

You bet I do.

All right.

On my way out, I'll
try to find a doctor.

Maude, are you
sure you're all right?

Oh, honey, it's
just a small bruise

that hurts like hell.

Come on, Mr. Findlay,
give me a break.

There's no one
else I can interview.

I mean, the chef
doesn't speak English

and I can't interview the owner.

They just arrested
him for arson.

Walter.

Maude, I don't feel like a hero.

Isn't he modest?

That is a real hero.

Maude.

Tuggie, start your camera.

Walter will give
you the interview.

Walter, honey, do this for me.

Walter when that coward
flung me against the wall,

it was sickening.

But, honey, what you
did was so beautiful.

And, darling, people should hear

about beautiful
things for a change.

And now, Mr. Findlay,

why don't you tell
us in your own words

how you performed
this lifesaving feat?

Well, when the fire started,

I got separated from my wife.

And when I got outside,

I saw her coming out
at the side entrance.

And I knew that she was safe.

That's when the waitress
passed out at my feet.

I just bent over and
gave a mouth-to-mouth.

You gave her mouth-to-mouth?

Resuscitation.

And that's all it was to it.

It's not a big deal.

I'm Maude Findlay
and I just want to say

that I have never been as
proud as I am this moment

to be this man's wife.

Oh.

Mr. Findlay.

I'm Karen Ribauld.

I'm the girl whose life
you save after the fire.

Thank you.

Excuse me, miss, I don't
mean to get personal,

but I think you're blowing
smoke down his throat.

Findlay, this is so exciting.

We're very proud of you.

Believe me, it was nothing.

Oh, Victoria, could you fix us

something to eat? I'm famished.

Oh, we had just
started on our fish balls

when the fire broke out.

That's right.

We should celebrate.

I'll make a special snack.

What would you like?

Maybe just a bowl of soup.

Oh, no.

For you, only one thing will do,

a hero sandwich.

That's fine. Fine.

We'll see you then.

Bye.

Honey, that was the Harmons,

they're on their way over here.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, I can't get over it,

you actually saved a human life.

Walter, what a
magnificent thing to...

Maude, that's it. That's it.

I don't want to
hear anything more

about this hero stuff.

- It's over.
- All right.

Now, can you understand that?

Once and for all.

I'm sorry, Walter.

I guess I just got carried away.

Maude.

Oh, Maude.

When we got separated

and I was outside
and you weren't there,

I was never so
scared in my entire life.

I thought maybe you
weren't coming out.

I got my wife back,
that's all that's important.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, you are wonderful.

What?

Do you know what we going to do?

What?

Do you know what
I'm thinking of?

What?

Do you remember Sylvia Gleason?

Sylvia, Sylvia Gleason?

That... Sylvia Gleason
who used to throw

all of those crazy parties?

Sylvia Gleason.

And remember
she threw that party

were everybody's supposed
to come like the Marx Brothers?

The Marx Brothers.

Oh, Walter, Walter, Walter.

That was right before
we were married.

Right.

And you went as Groucho
and I went as Harpo.

And remember after the party,

we checked in at a hotel, the...

The Bellman.

- The Bellman Hotel.
- The Bellman Hotel.

And we were still
in our costumes.

Darling.

And you were so embarrassed

that you couldn't even
speak to the desk clerk.

Every time he
asked you a question,

you'd honk my horn.

Maude, I want to honk
your horn again tonight.

I'm going to go upstairs
and pack a few clothes for us.

We're going to go
to the Ramada Inn.

We'll check in and we'll
pretend we're not married.

Oh, come on.
Walter, you're crazy.

Maude, don't turn me down.

We're gonna get a
room with a waterbed.

If things get dull, we
can always go fishing.

Walter, you're a crazy person.

Oh, hello, Maude.

Vivian. Oh, Vivian.

Vivian, I have been
married four times,

but I'll tell you
why I'm married

to the most wonderful
man in the world.

Oh, Maude.

You see, Arthur, I told
you she'd forgive him.

You're a great guy, Maude.

But if... forgive who?

Oh, Walter, of course.

Oh, Maude I was just
so shocked when I...

When I saw him push
you against that wall

and run out of that
burning restaurant.

Walter?

Oh, you mean...

You mean you didn't?

Now listen, don't pay
any attention to Vivian.

It's those pills the doctor
gave her at the hospital.

They make her lie.

I'm not... I'm not lying.

Vivian.

Vivian, you've
got to be mistaken.

No, I'm not mistaken.

I'm sure I'm not mistaken.

Maybe he tripped.

I mean, maybe...

maybe he, you know,
bumped into me accidentally.

Uh-uh. No, no,
no, I could... no.

I saw him.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, it was some...

You know, it was
during all that confusion

when everybody
was yelling fire and...

Well, I just saw Walter

sort of shove you aside.

- But...
- Oh, Maude.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

I didn't know you didn't know.

But I mean...

I mean, it doesn't make sense.

I mean, a man who loves me

as much as Walter
loves me would never...

just push me aside and
to save his own neck.

Would he?

No, he wouldn't, but he did.

- Hi, Arthur.
- Hi there, Walter.

Hi, Vivian.

Goodbye, Arthur.

Goodbye, Vivian.

Maude and I are on our way out.

Walter, there's something
I want to ask you.

I want to ask you something too.

If I told you that
you had a nice body,

would you hold it against me?

That's one of the
Marx Brothers, isn't it?

Oh, which one is it, Harpo?

Chico? Zeppo?

Shove-o.

That's one of my father's jokes.

Walter, were you the
man who pushed me

against the wall at
the restaurant tonight?

That was one of
my father's jokes,

but everybody said I was
one of my mother's jokes.

Walter, were you the one?

Yes.

Here are the hero sandwiches.

Victoria, before you serve them,

which one is Walter's?

The big one.

Oh, well, put a
streak of mustard

down the back of Walter's bun.

It's all true. I...

I just panicked and tried
to save my own neck.

Let's face it, I'm a
man with feet of clay.

Nobody could run
that fast with clay feet.

Mrs. Findlay, do you
know what I think?

What?

I think I'll go upstairs

and play my radio real loud.

My own husband,

my own husband did this to me.

Oh, Maude. All right.

So he wasn't very nice.

Wasn't nice? Wasn't nice?

Pearl Harbor wasn't nice.

Lizzie Borden wasn't nice.

Maude, you're not even giving
Walter a chance to explain.

That's right, Maude.

You should at least
listen to his side of it.

You're right, I'm sorry.

I want to be fair.

Go ahead, Walter, explain.

I promise I won't interrupt.

- Well...
- Jack the Ripper wasn't nice.

Can I talk to you?

John Dillinger wasn't nice.

You just calm down.

Now, you just got to
stop calling Walter names.

That's not doing
any good, Maude.

He already feels bad enough,
you know, you're not helping.

Oh, I know. I know.

You're right, Vivian.

Just think how
awful he must feel,

how humiliated.

Oh, look at... come here.

Look at this poor man.

Look at this.

Look at that,

sitting there with his
head in his hands.

He's just crushed.

One more word and
he'll just fall apart.

Coward!

Maude.

Vivian, I can't help it.

Don't you know Walter loves you?

I know, I know, I know,

I know and I love Walter.

At least half of me loves him,

the other half of
me is angry with him

for what he's done
and wants to get even.

Well, and how are you
going to manage that tonight?

Is half of you are going to
sleep upstairs with Walter

and the other half sleep
down here on the couch?

Both of me are
sleeping on the couch.

Maude, now you're forgetting

that all of Walter loves you.

Only right now, half
of Walter hates him.

So, you're just
going to have to take

the half of you that loves him

and make the half of him

that's hates him love him.

Or else all four of you
are going to wind up

sleeping on the couch.

I certainly can't
argue with that, Vivian,

because I didn't understand
one word you said.

All right. Maybe you
can understand this,

Walter did a
terrible thing to you,

yes, but he did it in a moment

when he was
terrified and confused.

And, Maude, you're
going to have to learn

to forgive and forget

or you just might as well

kiss this marriage goodbye.

And, Maude, you remember,

this is a...

Oh, Vivian, you're right,
you're right, you're right.

I know you're right, but...

I don't know if I'll
ever be able to forget

what happened tonight.

I don't honestly
know if I ever will.

You have to try.

Arthur, I'd want to
be alone with Walter.

- Why?
- Arthur.

Maude, remember...

Walter, just now in the kitchen,

Vivian said something
very wise to me.

I know, I know.

She said something very wise.

And what it boils down to is...

Well, if we both try very hard,

possibly in a little while,

we'll forget what
happened tonight.

I'm not so sure.

And there's no
excuse for what I did.

There's not even
an explanation for it.

I'm so ashamed.

I mean...

when I found out that
it was you I pushed,

I was disgusted with myself.

Walter, you mean,
you didn't realize

it was me that you had pushed?

No, not until later

when you told me
somebody pushed you.

Somehow that
makes it a bit easier.

- No, it doesn't.
- You're right, it doesn't.

Whether it was you or not...

somebody could have
died, because of me.

I'm a coward.

Hey, Grandpa, I just came
from basketball practice.

We saw you on television
in the coach's office.

You're a hero.

Phillip, I think
you oughta know.

Phillip, they blew
it out of proportion.

Oh, come on, Grandpa.

You saved that waitress' life.

You're a hero.

All the guys in the
team look up to me now.

The coach is going to
put me on first string.

He says I can be
the token white.

Phillip, that's wonderful,

but, honey, it's
getting awfully late.

I think you should go up to bed.

Okay.

Gee, grandpa, am I proud of you.

I mean, did you see that?

I can't even face
my own grandson.

How am I going to
face you, Maude?

Look, Walter, it's
going to be very difficult

for both of us,

but I promise you, Walter,

I am going to try

to totally erase from my mind

what happened tonight.

- Maude.
- Oh, you clumsy...

I didn't mean to say that.

If I had any brains, I'd
go upstairs and pack.

Walter, don't talk like that.

It's no use, Maude.

Every time I look
at you, all I can see

is what happened tonight.

But, Walter, that...

Boy, Walter is really upset.

Now, he's talking about
moving out of the house.

Maudie, let me
handle this, okay?

Walter.

Walter, I just want you to know

that I don't think
what happened tonight

is important at all.

Not important?

I pushed my wife out of the way

just to save my own neck.

Now, stop that.

Lots of men would
do the same thing

under the same kind of pressure.

Would you, Arthur, would
you do the same thing?

Well, that's different.

Well, why is it different?

Because you're you and I'm me.

Look, just answer me, Arthur.

Would you push
Vivian out of the way

just to save your own neck?

No, no.

See, I'm the kind of a guy

who would probably have
my wife under one arm,

somebody else
under the other arm,

and a third victim
across my shoulder.

I'd fight my way
through the blaze.

And when I got
them safely outside,

knowing me without any
regard for my own safety,

I'd probably just turn around,
dash right back in for more,

but that's me, Walter.

I can't take any
credit for that.

That's just the way God made me.

That's not you.

See, you're the
kind of personality

who just happens to have...

a keen sense of personal danger.

So at the first sign of trouble,

you push and shove
your way to safety,

that's you, Walter.

It doesn't mean that one of us

is any better than the other.

As a matter of fact, you
know, I kind of envy you.

When there is a crisis,

you only have to
worry about yourself.

Hey, old buddy, I think I
got through to you, didn't I?

Come on, let's tell
Maude it's all better.

Maude, I think our boy
is going to be all right.

I just straightened
him up, right, Walter?

Yes, it's true.

Arthur helped me
make a decision.

Oh, Walter, that's wonderful.

I'm definitely moving
out of the house.

Walter, no, Walter.

Well, at least I got
them off the fence.

Walter, this isn't
going to solve anything.

Listen, Walter, we
at least have to try

to make this work.

Walter, you're not the first
person whoever panicked.

You won't even try.

Hey, Grandpa, you're
just on the late news.

That's nice, Phillip.

Hey, where are you going?

He's running away, Phillip.

He's not man enough to
stand and face the problem,

so he's running away.

Hey, watch what you
say about my grandpa.

You have no right to
say a thing like that.

Grandpa is the
bravest guy I know.

Phillip, don't blame
your grandmother.

She's probably just
jealous or something.

Phillip.

Listen to me.

Tonight, when the fire broke out

at Skipper Dwayne's
Halibut Palace...

somebody pushed your
grandmother into a wall,

so he could save his own neck.

Really?

That's right.

And, Phillip...

I'm the one who did that.

You, Grandpa?

Yes.

You pushed grandma
out of the way

to save your own neck?

Phillip, what your
grandpa just did

took a great deal of courage.

I only hope that some
day, you'll understand.

Heck, I understand right now.

When somebody yells fire,
it's every man for himself.

See you in the morning.

Well, at least he's a
chip off the old block.

Listen, Walter,

I really meant what
I just said to Phillip.

Every one of us is
capable of panicking

the way you did tonight.

But, Walter, admitting
what you had done

to your own grandson...

it's one of the bravest
things I have ever seen.

Do you really mean that?

Oh.

Oh, Maude.

Oh, Walter, Walter,

tonight is just one tiny,

tiny, little moment
in our lives.

We still have those millions

and millions of
wonderful moments

when we did tender
loving things to each other.

That's true, isn't it?

And speaking of doing tender
loving things to each other...

Yeah.

Well, you are packed
and I'm packed.

Remember what we
were talking about,

checking into the Ramada Inn

and pretending we're single?

All right.

Oh, honey, did I ever tell you

about my Uncle
Harry, the magician?

- No.
- No?

Well, every time
he got into a car

with a pretty girl,

he turned into a motel.

Maude would
record it on videotape

before a studio audience.

♪ Oh yeah ♪