Maude (1972–1978): Season 6, Episode 14 - Musical '78 - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' anything ♪

♪ But tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

Come on, Walter, now, come on,

we're gonna be on
the air in 15 minutes.

- I wanna rehearse this number.
- - Okay.

Okay. Hit it, Bob.

- ♪ We are just a couple of song
and dance men ♪
- ♪ Ooh, wah ♪

♪ I'm the song ♪

- ♪ I am the dance ♪
- ♪ Ooh, wah ♪



♪ Ooh, wah ♪

Okay. Oh, wait, wait a minute.

- Hold on.
- ♪ Ooh, wah ♪

Ladies, knock off
the "Ooh, wahs."

♪ Ooh ♪
- Please.

Look, Walter, it is such a
simple step that I showed you.

Now, please, watch it again.

Now graceful.

How aesthetic. Don't I
remind you of Shirley MacLaine

in "The Turning Point?"

A little bit more like Seattle
Slew in the Preakness.

Walter, why can't you cooperate?

Walter, this has to be perfect

so that we can raise enough
money to send little Baby Sally

to see that orthopedic
specialist in Switzerland.

Maybe, he'll be able
to find out why she

suddenly lost the
use of her little legs.

Come on now.

Here's Baby Sally.

Oh, look at this
courageous little child,

a prisoner in her wheelchair.
The sweet, adorable...

Ow. Oh, oh.

Say you're sorry Baby Sally.

No.

That's all right, honey.

Accidents will happen

like when you ran
over my foot yesterday.

Get her out of here.

Oh, oh,

Oh, I swear she did
that on purpose, oh.

Come on now, Maude,
don't be ridiculous.

You're probably right.

Walter, will you excuse me?

Oh.

Reggie,

Reggie, do you have the
old film of Baby Sally dancing?

Well, of course, she's
got the film, Maude,

that's why we hired
Reggie Warshaw,

the best in the business.

Oh, come on, guy.

Remember Maude, I've
raised over a million dollars

in six different telethons.

And in all modesty,
I can say that

when the people of
Tuckahoe think of disease,

they think of me.

I tell you, Reggie,

the Baby Sally telethon
is an inspired idea.

Unh-unh, brilliant.

A talented child whose
dancing career was cut short

by a mysterious leg paralysis.

We appeal to all Tuckahoians

to help that child dance again.

All right. Al, will you roll the
Baby Sally film on this monitor?

All right.

You know, this will
tear their hearts out.

Do we really want
her to dance again?

Maude, oh, Maude,

the Guberman twins and I are
ready to show you our number.

Oh, goodness.

I want you to keep
these Guberman twins

away from the pies.

Yes. The pies are missing.

That could be serious.
We could run out of pies.

We're giving a free pie

to anyone who donates over $5.

We are not stealing the pies.

Oh, don't you hand me that.

I smell meringue on your breath.

- ♪ A hundred and one ♪
- ♪ Aw ♪

- ♪ Pounds of fun ♪
- ♪ Aw ♪

- ♪ They're my little
honeybuns ♪
- ♪ Aw, aw ♪

♪ Get a load of
honeybuns tonight ♪

♪ And speaking of
my sweetie pies ♪

♪ Only 60-inches high ♪

♪ And every inch is
packed with dynamite ♪

- ♪ Their hair is blond
and curly ♪
- ♪ Aw ♪

- ♪ The curls are curly-burly ♪
- ♪ Aw ♪

♪ The hips, the hips ♪

♪ I call their hips ♪

- ♪ Swirly and twirly ♪
- ♪ Aw ♪

♪ They're my babies,
I'm their pomp ♪

♪ I'm their boobie,
they're my traps ♪

♪ I am caught and
I don't wanna run ♪

♪ Because I'm having so
much fun with honeybuns ♪

♪ We need money ♪

♪ Then hope these two will
cook you until you're done ♪

♪ maybe ♪

- ♪ Sunny, put your
money on my ♪
- ♪ Aw ♪-

♪ Honey ♪

♪ Bun ♪

Vivian, that was wonderful.

It was awful.

I mean, I mean, poor Viv
doesn't belong in show business.

Thank heavens I'm going to
do my country doctor recitation.

It'll bring a little
dignity to this telethon.

Oh, you are not going
to recite that cornball,

"The Country Doctor."

We'd get more dignity
having Robert Blake come out

to show us his cat's
hairball collection.

- Maude.
- And that's the name
of that tune.

Reggie said I could do it.

I mean, why pay the man
$15,000 as a professional advisor

and then not listen to him?

Hey, my recitation is dynamite.

Wait until you
see me rehearse it.

We are paying you

$15,000 for what?

Well, that's my
fee for the telethon.

I have an ironclad contract
with you lovely people.

Reggie, isn't that a
little out of the ordinary

to charge $15,000

to help a crippled child?

Yes.

I was going to charge 20,

but your cause touched my heart.

- You old softy.
- Oh.

Maude, have you memorized that
beautiful speech I wrote for you?

No Reggie, I might as well tell you
I'm not going to do it. I don't like it.

It makes me sound
like a combination of

Aimee Semple McPherson
and The Kingfish.

It's perfect.

I mean, that's how you
get people to give money

for a kid in a wheelchair.

Make them feel
guilty they can walk.

Shh, shh, Arthur's number.

♪ Feelings ♪

♪ Nothing but feelings ♪

♪ No one has more feelings ♪

♪ Than his feelings for you ♪

The Country Doctor

Though stooped and
bent and gray of hair,

the country doctor's
always there.

Through rain and
sleet and blowing snow,

the country doctor's on the go.

Through swollen rivers
his horse is swimming

when help is needed
for pregnant women.

For pregnant women?

He flicks the whip,
the pace do quicken,

though he knows he'll be
paid with only a chicken.

♪ Feelings ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, feelings ♪

♪ Whoa ♪ Whoa, whoa!

♪ Feelings ♪

Well, Maude, wasn't
that something?

I'll say it was something.

It's the first time I've ever
seen one horse's head

followed by two
horse's patooties.

Baby Sally said that
since this is a comedy,

she has something
that she thinks is funny.

Oh, really?

And what is that, dear, hmm?

What, what is it, dear?

Phillip, get her out of here.

Maude, Maude, we
got one minute to air.

You gotta rehearse your pitch.

- Look Reggie, I...
- Just please, Maude.

Please, just trust me,
I mean, you gotta do it

at least once before, you
know, we go on the air, all right?

Oh, all right. All right.

Well, and Maude,

make them feel that their
money will give you the power

to bring about a miracle.

Here now, just stand right,
right here, right here, all right?

Okay. Go ahead.

Ladies and gentlemen,
fellow Tuckahoians,

we are doing this
telethon tonight

for the benefit of one person,

one tiny little person

who is a prisoner
in a wheelchair,

the victim of a
mysterious malady.

This is where the
chorus comes in.

Her name is Baby Sally.

She is that lovely, talented,

courageous little child

who has danced her
way into our hearts.

Now, if we opened our hearts

and our pocketbooks,

we can make enough money to send

little Baby Sally to Switzerland

where specialists
can put the magic back

into those little legs.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

with your help and your love,

we can say Baby
Sally dance again.

Rise, rise out of that
wheelchair and dance.

Dance for Tuckahoe.

Dance for America.

Dance for the world.

Hey, ladies and gentlemen,

tonight,

we are going to make a
little girl in a wheelchair laugh.

And with your
pennies and dollars,

we are going to
make her dance again.

Maestro, if you please?

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

That was the marvelous
adagio team of Julius and Sylvia.

Oh, listen to that sweet sound
of those phones a'ringing.

- Reggie?
- Huh?

We just got a pledge

from a little six-year-old
boy in Tarrytown for $85.

Oh!

He says he got the money
from his daddy's wallet.

Isn't that cute?

It's beautiful.

A child stealing
from his parents

to help another child.

That's America to me.

All right. Now,
ladies and gentlemen,

we have a rare film clip

of Baby Sally

before tragedy

struck at her tap shoes.

I personally can't watch because

it tears my heart out. I...

Well, what did I tell you,

almost eight grand
in pledges already.

What you are doing is deceitful.

Baby Sally is cured,

we have to stop the show.

Obviously, the little
girl couldn't walk

because she was suffering
from a hysterical paralysis.

Now, I have just examined her

and she's perfectly
all right now.

You have gotta stop this show

or you'll be guilty of taking
money under false pretenses.

We all will.

And I will have no part of that.

And I agree totally with Arthur.

But remember,

I have a contract
with you lovely people,

either we raise that
money through the telethon

or my $15,000 fee

will have to come
out of your pockets.

On with the show.

Remember for every $5 pledge,

you will receive a
pie of your choice

from Debbie's
Cutsie-Pie Pie Shop.

All right. Now, a little quick
look at our thermometer

tells me that we've

already received
about $7,800 in pledges

and that is terrific.

And speaking of pledges

and thermometers,

our next number is with
Carol Traynor and the girls

that's guaranteed to make
everybody's temperature rise.

Girls?

♪ Heat wave ♪

♪ He's so hot ♪

♪ Never know how
much I love you ♪

♪ Never know how much I care ♪

♪ When you put your
arms around me ♪

♪ I get a fever that's
so hard to bear ♪

♪ You give me fever ♪

♪ When you kiss me ♪

♪ Fever when you hold me tight ♪

- ♪ Fever ♪
- ♪ Fever in the morning ♪

♪ Fever all through the night ♪

♪ Sunlight's up the daytime ♪

♪ Moonlight's up the night ♪

♪ I light up when
you call my name ♪

♪ Because I know
you're gonna do me right ♪

♪ You give me fever ♪

♪ When you kiss me ♪

♪ Fever when you hold me tight ♪

- ♪ Fever ♪
- ♪ Fever in the morning ♪

♪ Fever all through the night ♪

♪ Everybody's got the fever ♪

♪ Can't stop it, you all know ♪

♪ Fever, isn't
such a new thing ♪

♪ Fever started long ago ♪

♪ Now you've
listened to my story ♪

♪ Here's the point
that I have made ♪

♪ Chicks were born
to give you fever ♪

♪ Be it Fahrenheit
or centigrade ♪

- ♪ Fever ♪
- ♪ Fever till you sizzle ♪

♪ What a lovely way to burn ♪

♪ What a lovely way to burn ♪

♪ What a lovely way to ♪

♪ Pss, burn ♪

♪ Fever ♪

Now listen, Reggie,

I know you have a
strap with this contract

but would you actually
perpetrate a fraud

just to collect your $15,000?

I'd do anything for $15,000.

Maude, I have an idea.

What?

Well, you cured Baby Sally.

When you were rehearsing
your speech and you said,

"Dance Baby Sally, dance,"

Baby Sally jumped
out of her wheelchair

and started to dance.

You performed a miracle.

You had the power to get
her out of that wheelchair,

so maybe you have the power
to put her back in that wheelchair?

Well, she only has to be
paralyzed until the end of the show.

Vivian, have you been
sniffing that wheat germ again?

Just a second,

she's giving me a
better idea, Maude.

After we've raised enough
money to pay my fee,

then we could, well, you could bring
Baby Sally back out in the wheelchair,

do the same speech again,

and she'll get up and dance,

and then we'll recreate

the whole miracle on television.

The audience will think the
telethon cured Baby Sally.

That is disgusting.

But we do it all the
time on television.

It's called instant replay.

Oh listen, there's your music.

It's time for you to
sing to Baby Sally.

All right, all right,
I'll do the song

but we're going to
talk about this later.

Here she is, ladies
and gentlemen,

unable to get out
of this wheelchair.

♪ Smile though
your heart is aching ♪

♪ Smile even
though it's breaking ♪

♪ When there are
clouds in the sky ♪

♪ You'll get by ♪

- ♪ If you smile ♪ Ow!

♪ Through your
tears and sorrows ♪

♪ Smile and maybe tomorrow ♪

Ow! ♪ You'll see the sun ♪

♪ Come shining through for you ♪

♪ Light up your
face with gladness ♪

♪ Hide every trace of sadness ♪

- ♪ Although a tear ♪ Ow!

♪ Maybe ever so near ♪

♪ That's the time ♪

♪ You must keep on trying ♪

♪ Smile ♪

♪ What's the use of crying? ♪

♪ You'll see that life ♪

♪ Is still worthwhile ♪

♪ If you just smile ♪

♪ Light up your
face with gladness ♪

♪ Hide every trace of sadness ♪

♪ Although a tear ♪

♪ may be ever so near ♪

♪ That's the time ♪

♪ You must keep on trying ♪

♪ Smile, what's
the use of crying ♪

You'll find that life ♪

♪ Is still worthwhile ♪

♪ If you ♪

♪ Just ♪

Did you see the news?

We just passed the $15,000 mark.

We've collected my fee.

All right. Now let's everyone
get ready for the finale.

Maude, prepare to
recreate your miracle.

Look, I will not have anything
to do with a phony miracle.

Then I'm just gonna have to
sue you for every cent you got,

wipe out your savings,

put a lien on your house.

Not my house.

That's, that's all I have.

It's lasted me
through four husbands.

Maude, don't let him
take away our house.

Come on, the guy wants a
miracle, give him a miracle.

I can't. I can't.

Shh, all right, everyone,

places for the finale.

Hey,

well, now that
money is rolling in

and the pies are rolling out.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

our entire ensemble tells you

what this telethon is all about.

All right, hit it.

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance, gotta dance ♪

Gotta dance.

♪ Broadway rhythm it's got me ♪

♪ Everybody, dance, dance ♪

♪ Dance, oh, goody ♪

♪ I'll go home and
get my panties ♪

♪ You go home and
get your scanties ♪

♪ And away we'll go ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm off to go and shuffle ♪

♪ Shuffle off to Buffalo ♪

No.

♪ Don't ask me ♪

♪ I won't dance ♪

♪ Don't ask me ♪

♪ I won't dance ♪

♪ Madame, with you ♪

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats so ♪

♪ That I can hardly speak ♪

♪ Charleston, Charleston ♪

♪ Made in Carolina ♪

♪ Some dance, some friends ♪

♪ I'll say ♪

♪ Dancing in the dark ♪

♪ In the tune ♪

♪ and I'm dancing in the dark ♪

♪ I have you, love ♪

♪ And we can play some music ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Let's face the music ♪

♪ And take a little one step ♪

♪ Two step, three step ♪

♪ come a little closer, please ♪

♪ Like a rose that blows ♪

♪ In every breeze ♪

♪ Take a little one step ♪

♪ Two step, three step ♪

♪ Stand a little dip like this ♪

♪ Is a step ♪

♪ You can't afford to miss ♪

♪ And then you
glide and you slide ♪

♪ Keeping close to my side ♪

♪ Oh, boy, let's go, boy ♪

♪ That music's
tickling every toe, boy ♪

♪ Take a little tick ♪

♪ A wide and three steps ♪

♪ Then a little one step ♪

♪ Two step, three step ♪

♪ Every little step means ♪

♪ We love you ♪

We love you.

♪ Every little step means ♪

♪ We love you ♪

Yes.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

with your help and your love,

we can make Baby
Sally dance again.

Dance, Baby Sally,

dance, dance for Tuckahoe.

Dance for America,

dance for the world.

It's a miracle.

Wait, wait, wait.

I, I can't go on with this.

This...

This is no miracle.

This is a fraud.

Baby Sally started moving

before we went on the air.

But Reggie insisted
that we continue

so that he could
collect his $15,000 fee.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

that is what he gets

in the name of sweet charity.

Maude, you are a dumb person.

Television is no place
to be telling the truth.

I mean it, it's not...

Now, now, look what
you've done, big mouth,

Reggie can sue us.

You can't call my
friend a big mouth.

You can't do that to my friend.

Oh.

"Maude" was recorded on
videotape before a studio audience.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude,

♪ And then there's... ♪