Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Election - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

(phone ringing)

Hello? Oh, Hello, Mrs. Dempsey.

Ah, you will need a ride
to the polls tomorrow.

Oh, well, certainly.

Although, I thought that, uh,

Mr. Dempsey was
going to drive you?

Oh, he's been arrested again.

I am sorry,

but please, dear,
when you visit him,

do tell him that I think
he just did a super job

heading up the
ex-cons for Carter.

Bye-bye.

Hi, Mother!



Oh, hi, honey. Here, I
have the list of everyone

who'll be needing
rides tomorrow.

- Oh, thanks, you're a doll.
- Oh, you know, Carol,

I just think you're wonderful.

I mean, the way you have thrown
yourself into this presidential campaign.

Well, after all, I
am your daughter.

You know what they say,

"The acorn doesn't fall
far from the political nut."

Carol, you know you're getting
to be more like me all the time.

And some day, we're
both going to pay for it.

(laughs)

I have to run
upstairs and change.

Lee is taking me down
to campaign headquarters.

Lee Harrison?

You mean, I finally get a
chance to meet Mr. Wonderful?

- Oh, mother!
- Honey, I've been
dying to meet him!

Come on, Mother,
it's no big deal.

Now look, Carol, you may be
campaigning for Jimmy Carter,

but you have been doing most of
your caucusing with Lee Harrison.

I hope he's not giving you
a lot of campaign promises.

Oh, no. So far he's done
through on everything.

Honey, why don't you
and Lee stay for dinner?

Oh, we can't.
Tomorrow's Election Day,

we've got a lot of
last minute work to do.

- We'll grab a bite downtown.
- You know, it's a shame.

Tomorrow is Mrs.
Naugatuck's first voting day,

and I know tonight she's
gonna be, you know,

full of questions on the
really important issues.

Mrs. Findlay, I have a question.

You see? Of course, my
dear. You sit right down here

and if I can't answer
it, I'm sure Carol can.

Very well. Would you like
Russian dressing on your salad?

Why don't you take
that one, Mother?

Green goddess.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
this is so exciting!

Tomorrow is election day!

You're gonna be voting
for the very first time!

Participating in the
democratic process.

- Hi, Maudie!
- (Maude) Oh, hi, Arthur.

Well, Mrs. Naugatuck,

I imagine your head is
spinning with questions tonight.

Oh, no, Mrs. Findlay has
already answered my question.

Wait a minute. I demand
equal time for the other side.

Very well, Arthur, you have 30 seconds
to say nice things about Russian dressing.

What's there to say?
They all dress alike.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I
brought over this booklet

to help you make up
your mind at the polls.

We put it together
down at the hospital.

It's called "Concerned
Surgeons for President Ford."

Well, if any of them
are brain surgeons,

they should be concerned.

Oh, really? You should talk.

You're supporting a
man with a phony smile.

I have a dentist
friend who tells me

that Carter wears
a retainer at night.

Better a retainer
than a corrective hat.

Listen, Maudie, let's
just stick to the issues.

Mrs. Naugatuck, that
booklet tells you everything

that President Ford has done.

If you wanna know what
Jimmy Carter's done,

read a label on a jar of
Skippy Peanut Butter. (laughs)

Skippy peanut butter!

Arthur, I'm surprised you don't
have a joke about Fritz Mondale.

I do.

Elect Mondale and the
country goes on the fritz!

(laughs)

Goes on the fritz!

Arthur, Arthur, let's talk about

the serious problems
in this country.

All right.

The first serious
problem is your jokes.

And the second
one is the economy,

- which is also a joke.
- It is not!

President Ford has done
a fine job with the economy.

As a matter of fact, I've had
one of my best years ever.

Mrs. Naugatuck,
since Ford took office,

more people are
working than ever.

- The employment rate
has gone up!
- Ah,

but it is also true that more
people are not working.

The unemployment
rate has also gone up.

How could more people be working

and not working
at the same time?

Well, that's what makes

America great, Mrs. Naugatuck.

There's something for everyone.

Oh, you two are so
definite about your politics.

Now, I should like the opinion

of someone more
reasonable, like Mr. Findlay.

Actually, that's a good idea.

Yes, you know
Walter is very fair.

Oh, very fair.

Yes, Mr. Findlay is his own man.

- Hello, everybody!
- Hi there, Walter!

We were just talking about you!

Oh, this whole
election is crazy.

I just saw a Carter
sticker on a Ford,

a Ford sticker on a Dodge
and a Dole sticker on a banana!

(laughs)

Walter, have you made up
your mind about the election?

- Yep.
- Oh, that's great.

You know, Mrs. Naugatuck is
voting tomorrow for the first time,

and she thinks you're a very
reasonable and unbiased person.

She'd like some guidance.

I'm glad to help.
Mrs. Naugatuck...

- Yes?
- Don't vote.

Maude, where's the TV guide?

Walter, what kind of
advice is "Don't vote"?

Good advice. I'm
not voting myself.

Walter! You have to vote!

I do not.

I mean, thanks to the politicians,
I went bankrupt this year.

Walter, that is the most selfish
thing I have ever heard you say.

Now, look, if you
have problems, Walter,

you change things the way
every responsible citizen does,

by going down to
the polls and voting.

Maude, this is a free country. I
don't have to vote if I don't want to.

I don't believe it.
Walter, I am shocked!

You sat right here with me
and watched all the debates.

I watched the debates and I
never saw a man so mixed up,

muddle-headed and
confused in my life.

- Carter isn't...
- President Ford isn't...

(both) very good on television.

I'm not talking
about Ford or Carter.

I was the one who was
mixed up and confused.

Walter, this is a disgrace.

You've got to vote for somebody.

Yes, now, you listen
to Arthur, Walter.

I don't care whether you
cast your vote for Ford

or throw it away on a Georgia
peanut butter and jellyfish

- who flip-flops on
every issue.
- Arthur!

My mind is made up.

Mr. Findlay, I'm ashamed of you!

I don't know who I'm
gonna vote for tomorrow,

but I know I'm gonna vote,

because it's a precious right,

and anyone who
doesn't exercise it

doesn't deserve
to be an American!

Did you hear that, Walter?

That was a brand new
citizen speaking, Walter.

A woman from England

whose very own ancestors
were slain by American soldiers

in the bloody trenches of
Yorktown and Bunker Hill.

And she is voting tomorrow.

Now, Walter, what
are you going to do?

I'll think about it, Maude.

Oh, Maudie, that was beautiful.

I just hope he never finds out Mrs.
Naugatuck's ancestors were all Hungarians.

- Oh, hello, Maude.
- (Maude) Oh, hi, Viv.

Arthur, dinner's ready.

(Arthur) Vivian! You
won't believe this.

Walter Findlay, my
best friend, isn't voting.

For what?

Walter is not voting in the
presidential election tomorrow.

(surprised) The
election is tomorrow?

My gosh, how time flies!

It seems like only
yesterday it was Halloween!

It was!

Yeah! (laughs)

- Hi, Carol!
- (Maude) Carol, where's Lee?

He'll be here any minute.

Oh! Lee!

Oh, I wanna meet Lee!

Maude says you've been
seeing quite a bit of him.

Maude says he's all
you ever talk about.

Maude says you're going
to Lake Saranac with him.

Maude says, "Shut up, Vivian!"

Carol says, "How did you know

I was going to Lake
Saranac with Lee?"

Oh, the Genesee Lodge called
to confirm your reservations.

Oh, good.

A whole gang of us are
going up there tomorrow night

to celebrate the
end of the campaign.

Vivian, I'm hungry.
What's for supper?

Pot roast, and for dessert

we have Baby Ruth bars
left over from trick-or-treat.

Not those little miniature ones!

I hate those!

But why do you let
people give them to you?

Come on, Vivian.

Arthur.

Arthur, you were
trick-or-treating?

No!

I was ringing doorbells
for President Ford

and, since doctor's command
respect, I wore my surgical gown

and, for some reason, people
thought I was in costume!

Come on!

Oh, Carol, I'm so upset.

Do you know that Walter is
thinking of not voting tomorrow?

I know, I overheard.

I think he's just
getting old and cynical.

Well, thank God for young people
like you and your new boyfriend.

It's the young people who are
making the changes in this country,

the Carols, the
Lees, the Maudes.

Mother, don't worry about
it, Walter'll change his mind.

I hope so. Right now,
you're my comfort.

You and Lee,

and I hope you have a marvelous
time up at the lodge tomorrow.

You've been working very hard
and you deserve some time off.

Course, I imagine
Lee's an old timer.

He probably worked for
McGovern in the last election.

No.

He wasn't actively
involved in the last election.

Oh? Well, who did he vote for?

He didn't vote.

He didn't vote? Why not?

- He wasn't old enough.
- (doorbell rings)

That's him now.

Wasn't old enough?

72, the voting age was 18...

which means you're
going up to Genesee Lodge

with somebody who
can't be more than...

Mother, I'd like you
to meet Lee Harrison.

Mrs. Findlay, a pleasure
to meet you at last.

Oh, well, it's nice
to meet you, Lee!

Would you excuse
me for just a moment?

So you're Lee!

Carol's told me a lot
about you, Mrs. Findlay.

She's told me a
lot about you, too.

Not enough, but a lot.

Oh, Mother. Come
on, Lee, let's go.

Could I see you for a
moment in the kitchen?

(sighs) Mother, we really
are in kind of a hurry.

It'll just take a moment.
Make yourself at home, Lee.

You can watch TV if you want.
I think Sesame Street is on.

Mother, that was very rude!

How old is that boy
in the living room?

He's not a boy,
he's a man! He's 21!

- When was he 21?
- Next week!

That's great, hey, why don't we
give him a surprise birthday party?

I'll rent a photographer
and a pony.

Look, Mother, I know
this is a little unusual...

Wrong, not liking
pizza is unusual.

Wearing a crew cut is unusual.

Being a Wayne
Newton fan is unusual.

Unless you're wearing a
crew cut, but this is insane!

I don't believe this!

I expected you to
make a few jokes

and that'd be the
end of it. Look at you!

You're upset because
I'm dating a fella

who's a couple of
years younger than me?

Eleven.

Carol, what can you
possibly have in common

with a boy who isn't
even as old as your car?!

A lot!

We enjoy each other. We
have a good time together.

Besides, Mother, Lee
is a brilliant person.

He's at the top of his
freshman class in law school.

Oh, well, that's great

because, if you take
him to the mountains,

you're going to
need a good lawyer.

Look, Mother, try to understand.

Lee is refreshing.

I'm so tired of
dating divorced men

who spend all evening complaining
about paying child support.

- Lee is different.
- Well, of course
he's different.

He doesn't pay child
support. He gets it!

How come you
didn't object last year,

when I was dating that lawyer who
was eleven years older than me?

Ten.

Look, Mother,

this is no big deal.
We're just dating,

but it's my life and I'm not going to
stand here and argue with you about it.

(sighs) Carol,

in the words of Redd Fox...

(frustrated grunt)

I'm sorry for the
delay, Lee. Let's go.

- Just a second, Carol.
- Mrs. Findlay,

I couldn't help overhearing some of
the things you were saying in the kitchen.

Little pitchers have big ears.

Let's go, Lee.

No, Carol, that's exactly
what I wanna talk about.

Great, because I
wanna talk about it too.

Look, you don't owe
her any explanations.

Carol, I insist.

- Mrs. Findlay.
- Call me Maude.

Mrs. Findlay,

I know I'm a few years
younger than Carol...

Eleven.

But I find girls my own age
are just that, they're girls,

very inexperienced.
That's the crux of it.

Well, my daughter is not
the answer to your crux-life.

I can take care of
my own crux-life.

No, I mean they're
inexperienced politically.

(both) Oh.

Although you don't think so, Mrs.
Findlay, I'm a very good choice for Carol.

I'm younger in years, but
intellectually and emotionally,

I'm far more mature than some of
these so-called adults walks around today.

Show me one!

- Maude!
- Outside of this house.

Walter,

I'd like you to say
hello to Lee Harrison.

Oh, hi, Lee! Nice to meet you. I
understand Carol's dating your father.

This the Lee Harrison
Carol is dating,

the one who is taking
your stepdaughter

up to Genesee
Lodge tomorrow night.

How old are you, Lee?

Almost 21.

Well, there's no law against it.

Maude,

I've been thinking about
the election and you're right.

I have to vote tomorrow,

because, with all the
problems of hunger and crime

- and racial strife...
- Walter, we have a problem in our home!

(yelling) How can you bother
me with hunger and racial strife?!

You are totally insensitive.

- Come on, Lee, let's go.
- Stop them, Walter, please.

They won't listen to me,
maybe they'll listen to you.

- Say something!
- Carol, Lee.

Listen to Maude!

Am I crazy? Am I the only
one who thinks this is wrong?

Surely your parents
don't approve, Lee?

They don't actually
know about it.

Ah-ha! I rest my case.

That's a term I picked up from an
elderly lawyer Carol used to date.

It's not what you think, Mrs. Findlay.
I've just been so busy with the campaign,

I haven't had a chance to tell them
about Carol. They wouldn't mind.

Yeah, well, I'd like to meet
them and see for myself.

You have met them.

Leon and Ursula Harrison.
You belong to the same club.

Your parents are Leon
and Ursula Harrison?

The same.

Well, well, well, well, well,

Carol, do you know what we
have here? The littlest rebel.

His parents are proper
conservative people,

so he dates older women.

His parents are
staunch Republicans,

so he shows them by
working for Jimmy Carter.

Mother, I'm the one
that's working for Carter.

- That's right.
- I'm working for Ford.

(Carol) Mother!

Carol, first I found out
you are dating a mere boy,

now I find out
he's a Republican!

Where the hell did you
learn to be so tolerant?

Well, the acorn
doesn't fall far from...

Never mind!

You could have told me, Carol.
You could have warned me.

Oh, Mother.

I thought about it. What
good would it have done?

At least I could have prepared
myself for it emotionally.

Lee, would you mind if I
invited your parents over here

so that we could talk
this whole thing through?

What do you think?

- It's up to you.
- Go ahead, Mrs. Findlay.

I think you'll be surprised
by their attitudes.

Tell me, do you know if they
have any plans for tomorrow night?

They'd mentioned something
about a Gerald Ford victory party.

Good, then they're free.

We're leaving, Mother.

Okay, go.

Hey, information?

Harrison.

Leon. Ashcroft Avenue.

Thank you. Oh, and operator?

Don't ever have children.

Ursula, Leon, I
just cannot believe

you're taking this
whole thing so calmly.

Maude, they just realized
there's nothing you can do about it.

That's right, Maude
you know boys.

You tell them one thing, and
they do exactly the opposite.

Well, Lee is just the kind
of kid goes for older girls.

But don't worry, he's
not gonna marry her.

He's just having a little fun.

(laughs)

Is that supposed to comfort me?

Oh, Maude, we love Carol.

When she was in school
with our daughter Celeste,

we just thought
the world of her.

Although, she was
always a little boy-crazy.

I guess she still is!

(laughs)

Well, you know, you can't
blame her. After all, our son Lee,

is... he's some boy.

(laughs)

Can I get you
anything? Another drink?

No, no, thank you.

Would you like some
nuts or some bean dip?

- No, not for me.
- No, thank you.

Triscuits? Polish sausage?

- No, nothing.
- No, thank you.

I guess I'm just gonna
have to sit through this.

Hi! Look who we
found at the polls.

Ursula, Leon, I would like you to
meet our housekeeper, Mrs. Naugatuck.

- How do you do?
- Who voted today
for the first time!

Oh, congratulations!
That's nice.

- Hope you voted
for Jimmy Carter.
- I did.

Oh, good. You know, for a minute, I was
afraid you might vote for President Ford.

I did.

You mean you voted
for both of them?

Why should I get in
trouble on my first election?

- You remember us, Carol?
- Of course, Mrs. Harrison.

- Mr. Harrison.
- Carol.

Did you folks have a chance
to talk about Carol and me?

Oh, yes, we had
a nice little chat.

(laughs)

Carol, Lee, I guess
I'm just out of step.

I mean, I think this is
wrong but, apparently,

nobody else is concerned,
so I guess I'm outvoted.

Oh, Mother.

Well, I'm glad that's settled.

Carol, we should get started.

Yes, it's a long drive
up to Genesee Lodge.

Genesee Lodge?

You're not going
to Genesee Lodge.

Sure, Dad, I told you. We're
gonna go up to the mountains.

But you didn't say
Genesee Lodge!

You can't go there! Don't you
know who owns that place?

Our good friends Buzzy
and Bootsy Dinsmore!

I mean, everybody
we know goes there!

Dickey and Dee Dee
and Bobby and Beedy.

Yes, and Dinky and Sissy
and Bunky and Bambi!

Why are you upset?
Our friends go there, too?

Grumpy and Sneezy,
and Sleepy and Dopey...

Donner and Blitzen.

It's not funny, Maude!

I'm not gonna have my son making
a fool of me in front of all my friends.

Walter, you can get
me that drink now.

I wouldn't leave this
room if it was on fire.

Just a moment, Leon.

Are you saying that it
is alright for your son

to "have fun" with my daughter, as
long as your friends don't find out?

Well, maybe you're used to
your daughter's behavior, Maude,

but I'm not gonna have Lee
parading around in front of my friends

with a woman ten
years older than he.

Eleven.

Leon, I did not like that crack
about my daughter's behavior.

Maude has a point, Leon.

Never mind, Ursula.

Admit it, Maude,

there's something wrong with a
woman who chases after young boys.

How dare you!

My daughter has never done
anything to be ashamed of.

Except once in high school.

She lied.

You called and she said that your
daughter Celeste was sleeping here.

We didn't know where
she was sleeping.

I don't believe that.

I do.

Dad, you are way
off base on this.

Now, I have a great
respect for Carol!

We have a
wonderful relationship.

I don't care who knows about
it. Come on, Carol. Let's go.

Son, if you take that girl
up to Genesee Lodge,

I'm cutting off your
tuition payments.

You'll have to work your
way through law school.

(imitating Leon) That's
probably a good idea!

Come on, let's go.

(imitating Leon)
Goodbye, Mother!

Have a wonderful time,
you two and give our love to

(imitating Leon) Dee Dee and
Dinky and Humpty and Dumpty...

Was Carol making fun of me?

Well, in any event, Maude, your
daughter's behavior is shameful!

There's a word for
a woman like her.

Cradle snatcher.

There are two words
for a man like you

and the first one is horse's...

Ursula, we're leaving.

(Maude) Oh, must you?

The evening is young and
I haven't even told you yet

about Celeste and the ROTC.

Maude, I had a perfectly
wonderful evening.

You did not!

Maude, Maude, I am proud of you.

It takes a special kind of
person to admit she's wrong.

I admire the way you let
other people live their own lives.

Oh, thank you, darling.
Genesee Lodge?

Yes, I'm calling for
Miss Carol Traynor.

Yeah, when she and
Mr. Harrison arrive,

please be sure they have
separate rooms. Thank you.

I wonder what
Cronkite has to say...

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪