Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Game Show - full transcript

Maude & Walter, Vivian & Arthur visit New York. Maude and Vivian visit a game show recording and are chosen to be contestants.

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

(Vivian) There it is!
There it is! Here's the line!

(Arthur) Okay, come on,
everybody! Let's do it right here!

- (Arthur) Right on the street.
- (Vivian) No, not here.

Oh, come on, now, you're the birthday
girl. Now, let's do it one more time.

Do you know what? This is
the best birthday I've ever had.

The day in New York
City. It's just so beautiful.

All right, now, all together
now. Ready, and...

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(everyone joins) ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Vivian ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

Thank you! Thank you.

And they say New
Yorkers aren't friendly.



Let's face it, New
York is really fun city.

Incidentally, Viv, I've never heard
of this play we're going to see.

- "Beat the Devil"?
- No, but you're going
to love it!

And you don't know how hard it
was for me to get tickets to this show.

What time does the play start,
anyway? You know, Arthur,

we should have grabbed
lunch first. I'm hungry.

- Oh, Walter.
- Me, too! I'm starved!

Hey, let's get a
hot dog right there.

Oh, no, come on. Let's have a
nice lunch later. We'll go to Schrafft's.

And listen, tonight,
before we go home,

maybe we can all take a horse
and buggy ride through Central Park.

- Heaven!
- Are you kidding? Central Park's not safe!

We would be safe
in a horse and buggy.

The only thing that's safe going
through Central Park at night is a bullet.

Oh, Walter, now
you're exaggerating.

I mean, New York may
have its faults, but let's face it,

it is still a very
exciting city.

It's filled with art museums, the
theater, ballet, opera, you know,

it's the cultural
center of America.

Just ignore him, Walter.

I can't, I'm hungry.

Mario, I don't think that
this is that kind of a show.

You don't see anyone
else dressed funny.

How about the
clown in the funny hat.

Oh, excuse me for staring,
but you have a loose pepperoni.

That's okay,
buddy, I got plenty,

but don't touch the
anchovy. That's my zipper.

Thanks.

You know, Viv,
something tells me this play

is not going to be a stimulating
intellectual experience.

Well, actually, I do have a
small confession to make.

Yes?

(chuckles) Well, I
was going to tell you.

Yes?

Oh... Gosh, oh,
get out. (chuckles)

Yes, Viv?

Oh, golly gee...

Look, will you stop doing
Jim Nabors' night club act?

Well, "Beat the Devil" is
a television game show.

(laughs)

Vivian, you told
me it was a play.

Well, yes, but I knew if I told
you the truth, you wouldn't come,

and I knew since it was birthday,
you wouldn't mind my telling a little lie.

Oh, happy birthday,
Viv. You're wrong!

Wait, Maude!
Where are you going?

Look, there is a revival
of Roman Holiday

playing down the
street. I'll see you later.

I refuse to spend the afternoon

sitting through one of
these dumb game shows.

Oh, but this isn't a dumb show!

It's very dignified.

Oh, then who's
this, Prince Philip?

He's the only weirdo in line.

Hey, lady! How would you like
some mozzarella in the mouth?

I'd like one!

Hey, the mushrooms look good!

Look, you three enjoy the show,

enjoy your lunch,
I'll see you later.

Maude, listen, you don't wanna
see an old movie about Rome

when you can see
"Beat the Devil."

Vivian, you know it has been
my lifelong dream to visit Rome.

And, since the closest
I'll ever get to Italy is him,

well, I'd rather sit in a movie theater
and dream about Rome than stay here

and watch his
peppers droop. Ciao.

Listen, listen,
this is my birthday.

You don't know what strings my
nephew had to pull to get these tickets.

(all talking at once)

Well, Well, well, and
who do we have here?

It's him! It's him, it's
him, it's him! You're him!

- Him who?
- I'm Lyle Bellamy,

your host on "Beat the Devil."
Are you folks from out of town?

Yes! No!

- Which town would you
like us to be out of?
- We're from Tuckahoe.

- Tuckahoe,
and where is that?
- In New York.

Wonderful! Say, you're
pretty quick with the answers.

You might make
a good contestant!

So would I! I know
where we're from, too.

And it's my birthday, so
doesn't that count for something?

Well, I guess I better not
ask you how old you are.

42! What do I win?

That's wonderful! I'm
Mrs. Arthur Dr. Harmon

and this is Mr. Arthur
Dr. Harmon,

and these are our friends,
Mr. Maude and Walter Findlay.

Well, that's wonderful.

- That's absolutely wonderful,
and what are your names?
- Ah, I'll take that one.

Arthur, I believe Mr. Bellamy
was making a joke.

- That's wonderful!
- Maybe not.

Well, it's been wonderful
chatting with you folks

and I hope you
enjoy "Beat the Devil

with your host, Lyle Bellamy."

Look, I don't wanna
spoil your birthday.

You stay here and have fun.
I'm going to see Roman Holiday.

- But Maude...
- Mrs. Harmon, Mrs. Findlay. Good news.

Lyle Bellamy has chosen you

as contestants on "Beat the
Devil with your host, Lyle Bellamy."

Contestants?

We'll be ushering
you in just a moment.

Maude, we're gonna
be contestants!

Maude, we're gonna be
contestants on "Beat the Devil!"

With your host Lyle
Bellamy? No way, Viv.

What about me? It's all your
fault I didn't get picked, Sally.

It is not my fault.

I begged him to come as lasagna.

Mario!

Maude, why not give it
a shot? It could be fun!

- Oh, please, Walter.
- You could win some big prizes!

Arthur, do you think that
I am the kind of person

who would debase herself
on national television?

Jumping up and down and
screaming to win a chain link fence?

I will have no part of it.

You know, Maude,

we've been best friends
for a long, long time.

Look, Vivian. Vivian,

game shows bring
out the worst in people.

Vivian, you'd make
a fool of yourself.

I just thought our friendship
meant something to you.

Vivian, it does,

but honey, I know you.

Vivian, you're the nervous type.

You know, you'd get out
there, you'd get excited

and you'd start screaming and yelling and
jumping up and down and look ridiculous.

Vivian, you'd
humiliate yourself.

You don't wanna do that, do you?

Of course not.

(crying)

- Vivian.
- I wanna go on the show!

Please don't cry. Vivian, please
don't cry. I hate it when you cry!

Well, if you want to stop crying,
you know what words to say.

Oh, stop crying!

(crying)

Vivian, please, please,
people are beginning to stare!

(sobbing)

All right! All right! I'll
go on the damn show!

(screams) Oh, goody,
goody! We'll have a ball.

At least if I'm with her, she won't
make a complete fool of herself.

- (music playing)
- (applause)

Very good! Very good!

Well, well, well, you
ladies are doing well.

Well, we'll be back
right after this word

from one of our many
wonderful sponsors.

Okay, Lyle, we're
off the air now.

Why can't you give
me a clear cue?

All right, ladies,
you can relax now.

We're gonna put
the commercials in.

Boy, this is agonizing.

Walter, what do you expect?

They've already won
some very nice prizes.

The portable radio,
the beach umbrella

and a three-year supply
of Chun King Noodles.

They've won? What do
you mean they've won?

Maude has answered
all the questions.

Vivian hasn't said a word!

She's just sitting there,
staring straight ahead!

Oh, don't worry, Walter.

Speaking medically,
and as a doctor,

I've seen that condition a lot.

See, a person under pressure

can go into temporary paralysis.

I've had it happen myself when
I'm in the middle of an operation.

Well, we're back again!
Wonderful, all right!

Our two homemakers from
Tuckahoe and their opponents,

are unemployed black
man and his pretty little wife.

The Burtons!

All right, now, here's the toss-up
question in your category, movie memories.

In the 1931 film
classic "Public Enemy,"

James Cagney pushed
a grapefruit into the face

of a young and unknown actress.

Now, if you want to "Beat
the Devil," name that actress!

(music playing)

(buzzes)

- May Clark.
- That's right!

(music plays)

Now!

Now, let's take a look
at what you've won!

(Announcer) Right,
Lyle! A chain link fence!

- This fence...
- They really are giving
a chain link fence.

What kind of prize
is chain link fence?

Oh, that's one heck
of a prize, Walter!

Oh, my gosh, look at that!

With that gift
certificate for JC Penny,

they will have won
$3,400 worth of stuff!

Yes, that's right, Johnny! Over
$3,400 worth of merchandise

and $15 in cash,
making a grand total...

of $3,415!

(applause)

All right, Maude, Vivian,
here's your bonus question,

so listen carefully.

In the original "Tarzan"...

(buzzes)

- Elmo Lincoln.
- (Lyle Bellamy) Right again!

- (applause)
- (music plays)

All right!

Congratulations to
our two homemakers

and really top-notch
homemakers, I'll bet...

- (siren wailing)
- Whoops!

That means our time is up!

Well, it's too bad. The Burtons,
Liz, Dick, I'm sorry you didn't win.

But we do have some very
nice parting gifts for you,

including our "Beat
the Devil" home game

with your inflatable
host Lyle Bellamy.

How about fine hand for the
Burtons? Really good sports! Thank you!

(applause)

All right, Maude, Vivian! You have
just qualified to come back tomorrow

and try for the
Beelzebub Bonanza!

Now, that's a big
decision, so take your time.

Here's what you could win,
should you decide to come back.

(music plays)

(Johnny) Lyle, if our
contestants do opt to return,

they can win this
lovely set of luggage,

- which includes...
- Vivian.

Vivian.

See. I hate this and I
don't wanna come back.

We won't come back, but
at least try to look intelligent.

You're on national television.
I mean, have a little dignity!

(Johnny) ...baggage
compartments or under any seat.

And all that luggage
will come in handy, Lyle,

because they'll also be shooting

for a 10-day
all-expense-paid vacation

for four in historic
Rome, Italy!

Yes, they'll be flown on Angola
Airways to beautiful Rome...

(announcer continues)

(music plays)

Well, ladies, what's
your decision?

Well, thank you
very much... ahh, hey!

We're going to "Beat the Devil!"

- (Lyle) Ahh.
- (Audience cheering)

We're going to "Beat the
Devil!" We are going to beat...

Vivian! Vivian, I just
spoke to the producers.

We're gonna be taping the
next show in just a few minutes.

And Vivian, they're gonna
give us all new clothes to wear

so it looks like the next day!

Oh! Oh.

Maude, I wanna talk to you.

No, there's no time.
Now, listen, Vivian,

we have to think of every
movie that was ever made.

From A to Z. "Aaron
Slick from Punkin Crick"

to "Zombies on Broadway."

Now, now, let's
start with the A's.

"Affair... Affair in Havana,"
uh, Raymond Burr, Lilia Lazo.

Maude, you've already
won $5,000 worth of prizes!

"Affair in Trinidad!" Uh,
Rita Hayworth, Glenn Ford.

"Africa Screams,"
Abbot and Costello.

Maude, if you go back on the
show and you miss a question,

- you will lose everything.
- Oh, who cares, Arthur?

All I want is that trip to
Rome! I'd risk anything for that.

B. B? "Bad Girl," Anna
Neagle, Wilfrid Hyde-White.

- Maude!
- "Bad Man of Brimstone,"

Wallace Beery, Virginia
Bruce. "Bad For Each Other."

- Maude.
- Charlton Heston... Lizabeth Scott.

I've never seen her this way!

The woman is possessed by greed!

"Possessed!"

Joan Crawford, Clark Gable.

"Greed," Jean
Hersholt and ZaSu Pitts.

Maude, just look at you!
You're turning into a piggy!

"Piggy," ba-guh-ba-guh-ba,
that's all folks.

No, you're a piggy! You're
a piggy, piggy, piggy.

Oh, Vivian.

Vivian, you know
I couldn't care less

about the prizes or the money!

All I want is that trip to Rome.

Vivian, don't you remember
in college? I studied Italian?

You were taking French.

Yes, but I was
dating Aldo Fabreze.

All you ever learned
from him was grazie.

Well, I had a lot
to be thankful for.

Now, Vivian, we really have
an awful lot of work to do.

C, C...

"Captain Apache,"
"Captain Courageous."

I'm not going back out there.

- Vivian!
- Maude, she's right.

Why don't we just take our
prizes and forget the game show?

We could all have an
nice dinner in Chinatown.

"Chinatown!" Jack
Nicholson, Faye Dunaway.

I'm not going to do it.

- Vivian. Vivian.
- No.

Vivian, have you any idea

what your friendship
means to me? Vivian,

do you know the first
thing I do every morning?

Gargle?

No.

I say,

"Thank you, God,

for giving me a friend
like Vivian Harmon."

Then I gargle.

- You do.
- Of course.

Oh, Vivian, we're best friends.

We help each other. If
you need money, I'm there!

Vivian, if you need food
for your table, I'm there.

If you need a trip
to Rome, I'm there.

You're just so sweet.

Vivian. Do you mean,
after all these years,

you are going to tell me that you
are not the friend I think you are?

Viv, is that what
you're going to tell me?

No, Maude, I wouldn't
tell you that for the world!

Oh, what have I
been thinking of?

Yourself, Vivian.

You're right, I'm the piggy.

I'm the piggy. I'm the
piggy. I'm the piggy.

I'm the piggy. I'm the
piggy. I'm the piggy.

There, there, there,
there, I forgive you, dear.

And when we get to Rome, I'll
have the Pope forgive you, too.

Mrs. Harmon, Mrs. Findlay!

Time to get down
to wardrobe, ladies!

- Vivian, are you coming?
- Of course I am.

Oh, grazie, grazie!

Mille grazie.

Did you see that?

Vivian is a real pushover.

People can get
her to do anything.

I wonder why I can't.

- (music plays)
- (audience applause)

And so let's welcome back our two
ladies from Tuckahoe, New Jersey!

- New York!
- Wonderful!

Incidentally, we do want to welcome
station KTWO in Casper, Wyoming...

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

We're just gonna
win the trip to Rome

- and then we will leave.
- Good.

Casperonians. All
right, Vivian and Maude,

are you ready for today's
Beelzebub Bonanza!

- (shouts) Yes!
- Good!

And now, for your
trip to fabulous Roma,

here is your question.

Now, we all know the
legendary Douglas Fairbanks, Sr.

Was married to America's
sweetheart, the legendary Mary Pickford,

but what legendary movie star

did the legendary Douglas
Fairbanks, Jr. marry?

(music playing)

- It was...
- Mary Pickford, Jr.?

Vivian, why did you do that? I had
the name right on the tip of my tongue.

- Go on and say it.
- I can't think of it now,

- but I can see her
just as plain as day...
- Doris Day?

Well, what does she look like?

Oh, I don't know, I just see bushy
eyebrows and big padded shoulders?

Rosie Greer? Huh?

- Joan Crawford!
- Joan Crawford is right!

(both shouting)

(shouting) Fabulous Roma!

We're going to Rome, Walter!

Maude did it! She did it!

Vivian got the tickets!

- You did it!
- We got the tickets!

(screaming)

Ladies, please, ladies!
I know you're happy,

but please take your
seats, ladies, please!

Take your seats!
The show must go on!

All right now, ladies,

you have just qualified for the
Beelzebub Bonanza sweepstakes!

Oh! Can you believe
they expect us to go on?

As if we would.

(Johnny) Yes, that's right,
you'll warm your shoulders

on those chilly Roman nights

in this full-length
chinchilla coat,

designed and tailored
by the renowned...

(announcer continues)

Chinchilla.

(Johnny) ...and to
compliment your coat,

this stunning jeweled necklace

with diamonds by
Maury of Amsterdam.

- Vivian, diamonds!
- No, no, no, no...

Ooh!

(Johnny) ...in your diamonds
and furs, lounging on the decks

of your 36-foot
ocean-going cabin cruiser.

It's from Leisure craft, and it's a
Jacques Cousteau autographed model!

- (music playing)
- Vivian, yachts! Diamonds!

No! You said all you
wanted was a trip to Italy!

Vivian! I'm hot!

I'm on a roll!

- No! No!
- I want it! I want more!

I want everything!
I want everything!

We'll go on!

Well, I have a feeling our two ladies
from Tuckahoe, Illinois, want to continue!

We'll go on!

Maude: We'll go on!

All right! All right, all right,

ladies, now, you have 15
seconds in which to answer.

We're about to show
you a picture of an infant

who was the famous
trademark of a baby food.

This baby grew up to be a
famous Hollywood movie star. Now!

For the trip to Rome, the fur...

- Ah.
- the diamonds,

the yacht and all the other
prizes, name that baby!

(music plays)

Tell them!

Tell them! Who is it, who is it?

Who is it, who is it?!

Who?

I don't know.

You don't... know?!

Oh, Viv.

I'm sorry, I blew everything!

No! Try! Try, at least!

It's no use, my mind's a blank.

Wait a minute. Don't
answer. It's a trick question!

Look at that face. That's not a baby
food baby! That's Humphrey Bogart!

- Humphrey Bogart?
- Humphrey Bogart is right!

Ladies, you just "Beat the Devil
with your host Lyle Bellamy!"

(shouting, cheering)

Thank you! Thank
you! Oh, thank you!

(yelling)

Vivian: Oh, thank you! Ahh! Oh!

Well, we'll be right back
right after this commercial

with our next contestants!

Lady, for God's
sake, leave me alone!

Oh! Oh, Vivian. This is
the happiest day of my life

and I'm so thankful that
I could share it with you!

Hands off!

It's mine. I won
it and I deserve it.

All right, Maude, if you get the
coat, Vivian gets that necklace.

No! No. No, no. The diamonds are
mine. She has all the jewelry she needs.

All I have is one
lousy wedding ring.

You'd have four if you'd
kept them all, piggy!

No! No! No!

(indistinct arguing)

You can have anything else!

You can have the electric organ!

- Oh, I want the organ!
- Yes, I got the organ!

(indistinct arguing)

Shh! Shh!

Mr. Bellamy, I can't tell you
how happy you've made us all.

It's empty. My last bottle
of Scotch and it's empty.

Why would you wanna
drink? You have another show

- to do in a few minutes.
- Because it's the only way

I can go out there
and face those animals.

- What animals?
- The contestants! People like you!

Hey, that's my wife!

That's your problem!

You don't know
what it's like for me.

Smiling and waving
and being Mr. Nice Guy.

I'm an actor.

I'm a well-trained
dramatic actor.

I could have had
a role with dignity.

A role with some class!

I came this close
to getting the lead

in Homes and Yoyo!

Aunt Vivian, congratulations!

Randy! Oh, sweetheart,
thank you for the tickets

This is my nephew, Randy,
who got us the tickets!

Oh, bless you, Randy!

You're responsible
for all of this.

Vivian, give him
your chain link fence.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

This usher, Randy,
is your nephew?

That's right!

Oh, wonderful!
Wonderful! Dwayne, please

relieve the lady
from Pennsylvania

of her chinchilla coat
and her diamond necklace.

Listen, Dwayne, Dwayne,

don't send them to Pennsylvania.
Tuckahoe's in New York.

Oh, we're not going to
send them anywhere.

You're disqualified!

- What?
- That's right!

No contestant can be related
to any employee on our show.

Those are the rules.

You mean...

you mean we can't
keep any of the prizes?

That's right! Say, you
catch on pretty fast!

You'd make a pretty good
contestant on a game show!

Come on, Randy!

Well, you see, sometimes,
you "Beat the Devil"

and sometimes
the devil beats you!

Oh.

This is all my fault.

I was the one who
put us through all this.

No, it's my fault.
I got the tickets.

No, Vivian, I was greedy!

I behaved just like every
other game show contestant.

Oh, it's hell to realize that
inside each and every one of us

is a little man in a pizza
suit screaming to get out.

Oh, but come on,
now let's not forget

why we came to New
York today in the first place.

I mean, we came for a very
special, very important reason.

Why the hell did we
come to New York?

Maude,

we came because

it was my birthday.

Oh, of course!

You forgot it was
my birthday. (crying)

Oh, Vivian.

Oh, Vivian. One more time.

(singing Happy Birthday)

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪