Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 5 - Walter's Crisis: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ And you're glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪



Last week, Walter's
closest friends

and business
associates heard him say,

Today...

I went bankrupt.

Mrs. Kinkaid? Maude
Findlay, Sunset Real Estate.

I'm just calling to tell you that
I have an offer on your house.

$32,000. I don't
find that insulting.

That I find insulting.

I know about the
special landscaping,

but, unfortunately, not
everyone is desperate

to own a garden with
statues of the 12 apostles.

Oh, alright, let me
call the buyer back

and see if I can get
them to raise their offer.

Still no luck with
the Kincaid house?



Oh, Carol, I would do
anything to sell that house.

I mean, if we could just
get a little money coming in,

Walter wouldn't be so depressed.

It's been three weeks now!

I was sure he would have
snapped out of it by now.

Well, I had Walter's prescription
for sleeping pills refilled.

Carol, can you believe Walter
Findlay taking sleeping pills?

Do they work?

Oh, very well, ever since
Arthur prescribed them,

all Walter's done
at night is sleep.

Poor, Mother.

He's not feeling too
romantic these days, huh?

It's been three weeks, Carol!
I mean, it's just not like him!

It's as though
he lost his spirit.

Mother, who could blame him?
Look what he's going through!

He's bankrupt and
he can't find a job.

I know, I know. If there was
only something I could do for him.

I have never seen
him so despondent.

I mean, he looks at nothing but
the negative side of everything!

The other night, we
were watching television

he suddenly turned
to me and said,

"Sonny Bono is
losing his looks."

I just hope Ned Hinkley
comes through for him today.

Mrs. Dempsey?
Maude Findlay again.

Ned Hinkley?

I just wanted to say that I just
spoke to the owner of the house

and I think we can close the deal if
you're willing to come up a little bit.

- Of course I'll wait.
- What do you mean Ned Hinkley?

I thought Walter was playing
golf with Arthur at the club today.

He is, but they're
playing with Ned Hinkley.

- Ned owns Fidelity Appliances.
- I know.

He set it up. He
wants to talk to him.

Hello?

Oh, you don't want
to make another offer.

Oh, uh... Mrs. Dempsey,

have I mentioned the landscaped
garden with the charming statues?

That's terrific, Ned wanted to merge his
store with Walter's last year, didn't he?

No, no, those are the 12
apostles, Mrs. Dempsey,

not the 7 dwarves.

I think it's great.

Yes, each apostle
is hand painted

and imported from
Tijuana Mexico.

What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Dempsey,
I had no idea you were Jewish.

But then again, so were they!

No, not the 7 dwarves,
the 12 apostles.

Well, please, call me if you
should change your mind.

Mother, you should be excited!

Ned'll snap Walter up like that!

- They've been buddies
since they were kids.
- Oh, I hope so.

You know, for some reason, I
have never trusted Ned Hinkley.

- Oh, hi, Carol! Hi, Maude.
- Hi, Vivian.

Oh, Maude.

Walter just looked so depressed
when he picked Arthur up this afternoon.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Oh, Vivian, I am so
worried about him.

I know. Look, I ran across this
article in Liberated Lady magazine.

It may be a way
you can help Walter.

"6 hints on growing
better avocados."

No, here.

Make the loser at the office
a winner in the bedroom.

Oh, when I saw Walter's
face, I just felt so sorry for you!

Oh, it just must be terrible,

not to be able to
stimulate your husband.

Me?! Oh, come
on, really, Vivian!

Believe me, I don't
need this article.

Oh, well, I thought you might

because it says if a man feels
depressed over some failure in business,

he's afraid to make love
because he might fail again.

Oh, now really, Vivian,
did you hear that, Carol?

So, it's the wife's
duty to seduce him

and make him feel
like a man again.

It tells you all the tricks.

Candlelight,

which seafoods to serve,

special massages,

balloons.

Really, Vivian, Walter
Findlay, afraid to make love?

That really makes me
laugh. Can I borrow this?

Oh, sure, you keep
it. I don't need it.

Arthur's been very
romantic lately.

Even better than
on our honeymoon.

But then, anything would be
better than on our honeymoon.

Thank you, Viv.

Mother, you're not gonna pay attention
to that cornball article, are you?

I don't know, I think
this is the answer, Carol.

This is written
by a psychiatrist.

She says that a man who
thinks he's a failure needs love,

and that a woman can help him
by proving to him that he still a man.

- I guess that makes sense.
- Of course.

Mrs. Naugatuck's away, you're
going out this evening. This is perfect.

What if Ned gives Walter a job?

Well, then it'll
be a celebration,

but if not, I think
this is the answer.

Of course, I'm not gonna use any
of these tricks that they list here.

I mean, these are just silly!

I know, they always are.

Carol, do we have any rope?

I know.

Boy, we sure have a great
time when we get together!

- We sure do!
- I'll say we do!

I'll get us some more chips.

Good old Walter!

Good old Ned!

18 holes and not one
word about the job!

I mean, can you believe it?!

Walter, everything's going fine.

Ned never talks business
out on the course.

Remember, he invited you

and he does need a
new sales manager, right?

Alright! Now relax.

I can't relax.

Everybody's looking at
me, feeling sorry for me.

If anybody in this club
is feeling sorry for you,

it's only because
of the way you putt.

Arthur, maybe you better leave.

It'll be easier for
me to talk to Ned.

Oh, sure thing. I'll take off just
as soon as he gets back here.

Anybody want some beer nuts?

- No, thanks!
- He's driving!

So long, Arthur!

Oh, yeah, I have
to be running along!

Say, I checked the scorecard,
Ned, and you're the big winner!

Here's my buck.

Oh, boy, do I love
collecting these little bets!

It's my favorite kind of money!

Well, I know you guys
got things to talk about,

I got a gallbladder waiting
for me at the hospital.

Keep your head down, Arthur!

Did you hear that, Ned?
Keep your head down!

What a sense of humor.

That's what a good sales
manager needs, and Walter's got it.

Thanks, Arthur. Be seeing you?

You see, he keeps 'em laughing.

And he keeps 'em buying.

Arthur, don't you have
to get to the hospital?

There's no hurry! It's
just a little appendix.

Gallbladder.

How do you like that?
He knows medicine, too!

He's a triple threat, medicine,
jokes and appliances.

I tell you, Ned, it's that
razor-sharp mind of his

that's made Walter
Findlay what he is today.

Yeah, well, I think
I've said enough.

Boy, he's quite a guy!

He sure is.

And so are you, Walter.

Last night, I was thinking.

Here I am, a man with a problem.

And suddenly I thought of you.

Sensational.

I'm your man.

Walter, you know I hired
Audrey, your shipping clerk,

by the way, she
thinks the world of you.

She's a good kid.

Anyway, let's get
down to business.

Right, Ned.

Walter...

Walter...

I think Audrey's
got the hots for me,

but I don't wanna
make a wrong move.

Do you think if I
suggested a little weekend...

What are you talking
about? You just got remarried.

I know, but my wife's only 22!

Audrey's 28, I like older women.

I came here to talk about a job,

and you're talking about a
weekend with my shipping clerk!

Shh, Walter! My wife's
out there playing tennis!

What about the job?

Walter, I'm sorry, I
thought you knew.

I don't have any jobs
open at my place.

What do you mean? Aren't you
looking for a new sales manager?

No, I just hired one yesterday.

Why didn't you call me? I've been
sitting at home for three weeks.

- You knew I was available.
- Walter, I knew, but,

well, frankly,

I was looking for a
much younger man.

Younger man.

Oh, I see.

You like older women,
but younger men.

Hey, old buddy, I
gotta be running along.

I'm sorry, I really am.

- Oh, Sidney, let me take that.
- No, you won't.

Walter, at least let
me pick up the tab!

This one's on me.

Ah, here.

Here's that buck
I lost you at golf!

Walter, I'm not gonna take this.

Come on, take it!

Let me see you kiss
it like you did Arthur's.

Go ahead, kiss
it. Come on, kiss it!

Kiss my buck!

Walter, you sure are funny.

We gotta do this
again real soon.

I keep forgetting what laughs
we have when we get together!

Sure!

Could I borrow your pen, Sidney?

I'm sorry Mr. Findlay.

You don't have a pen?

Yes, sir, but the office said

you can't sign your
checks anymore.

You have to pay cash.

Maude, what's all this?

An intimate little
dinner for two.

I've chilled the oysters.

I have the Hawaiian
Punch at room temperature.

We're celebrating...

- I didn't get the job.
- That's what we're celebrating!

Walter, I never
liked Ned Hinkley.

No, I mean it. He runs
such a cheap operation!

Everything in his store
was made in Taiwan!

Know why he turned me down?

- I'm too old!
- Now that is nonsense!

In Taiwan, you're too old,

but here, every company in New York
could use a man with your experience!

Let's face it, Maude.
I'm never gonna get a job!

Now, look, Walter, come on,
let's forget your problems tonight.

I want you to relax.

We'll have a glass of
Hawaiian Punch before dinner.

Make mine a double.
I had a tough day.

Is this mine?

Yeah, Carol had your
sleeping pills refilled.

Good. I'll need
a couple tonight.

You wanna bet?

Maude, it was so
humiliating at the club today!

I mean, everybody kept
looking at me like I was a loser.

The last time I was
broke, I was 24 years old.

Then I was young and I had hope.

Now I don't have anything.

You know, I can't even
go out and get drunk

because I'm an alcoholic.

Good punch!

I'm scared, Maude.

Now, listen, honey, tonight

I want you to forget
all your problems.

We have the house to ourselves.

This is our night, Walter.

And we'll start it
with a little music.

Shall we dance?

Our song.

Oh, honey, let's just dance

and hold each other very tight

and be together.

As the golden strings
of Mantovani ask

the musical question,
"Spanish Eyes."

Oh, Maude, you know the
last time we heard this song?

Of course! It was three weeks
ago in that ratty cafe in Acapulco.

And that's when I got the
message that I was bankrupt.

Oh, honey, now, forget about
that! Walter, Dance with me!

I want your arms about me!

Ow! You stepped on my toe!

Walter, where are your shoes?

I sold them to pay the
bar check at the club.

They wouldn't let me sign!

You sold your shoes?

To whom?

Sidney the waiter.

They were $60 Florsheim's, He
was thrilled to get them for 15 bucks.

- I don't believe this.
- Neither do I.

I wear a 9 1/2 B,
he wears a 10C!

You sold your shoes?

What could I do? I didn't have
any money! I said it was humiliating.

Walter. Oh, sweetheart, I know
what you must be going through.

But darling, you're not
going through it alone.

I'm here!

I'm gonna help you, Walter!

Honey, I'm gonna
smooth away your troubles.

Oh, that's great.

That feels so good.

Wait a minute.

I want to bite your ear.

My ear accepts!

Mmm.

And right after
dinner, Walter...

Maude, that's illegal!

Only in New Jersey!

I love it!

Do the lower back, please.

Ahh!

"Make the loser at the office
a winner in the bedroom?"

So that's what
this is all about?

Oh, Walter, don't be silly! I
didn't even notice that article.

Here. This is the
article I was reading.

"Six hints on growing
better avocados?"

It was so interesting, Walter, I
have learned things about avocados

I never knew before.

Did you learn we don't
have an avocado tree?

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to make
this a very special night.

- Aww, Maude.
- I wanted to take your mind
off your problems.

Sweetheart, you don't
have to use any tricks on me!

Mmm. You smell good.

Walter, remember the last
time I wore this perfume?

How could I forget?

We were on our way to
visit your sister in the hospital.

That's right, she
had the three-day flu.

And we wound up in a motel.

She got out of the hospital
before we got out of the motel.

What a weekend.

Honey, we've had a
lot of weekends like that.

Some of them on Wednesdays.

We sure have.

I think I'm not gonna need
any sleeping pills tonight.

Let's get started
on the weekend.

Oh, Maude, you're all I
need in the world. I love you.

What is it?

Ah, nothing, nothing.

Come on, Walter.

Give it a chance.

- No, Maude, forget it.
- Sweetheart, I don't want you

to feel any pressure. We
have all the time in the world!

Maude, I don't
want any sympathy.

I'm sick of people
giving me sympathy!

Walter, please, will you just
calm down? Will you relax?

- You're getting
yourself all excited.
- I'm not! That's the problem.

Look, Walter, I'm
your wife! I understand!

You don't understand
anything! If you understood,

you wouldn't have done this
to me! Tonight, of all nights!

Where are you... Walter,
where are you going?

Walter! Come back!
Walter, you can't run away!

You're not wearing shoes!

Maude, you must be dead tired.
Why don't you stop that pacing?

Vivian, my husband has been missing
for three hours. I'm supposed to pace!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I should be more sensitive when
you're so worried about Walter.

Here I sit, chattering away, when
for all you know he could be dead.

Vivian, will you stop?!

Vivian, my husband
ran out of this house

three hours ago, humiliated!

And it's all my fault.

What if he's been hit by a
car? What if he's been mugged?

What if he picked up a floozy?

He already had his shoes off.

You know, Vivian,

you would be so much better off

if you didn't say the first
thing that comes to your mind.

Or anything that
comes to your mind.

- Any word, Maude?
- Nothing.

I checked over at
the country club,

just in case he went
back there for any reason.

I thought I saw him in the
men's room in one of the stalls,

but it turned out to
be Sidney the waiter.

Maudie, I think we're
just gonna have to face it...

I'm afraid Walter has
fallen off the wagon

and he's out there
drinking someplace.

I want to tell you something,
Arthur, that I never thought I'd say

because you know
how I detest his drinking.

All I want is for Walter to come
through that door, drunk or sober,

I'd be so happy I wouldn't care!

I know how you feel.

Mother, I found
him. He's alright.

Hi, Arthur! Hi, Vivian!

Walter! Who's your friend?

Walter, I'm so happy that you're
here and that you're alright...

and that you have a duck.

He followed me home!

I kept walking through puddles!

Maude, he's drunk as a skunk.

I'll go make some coffee.

He doesn't drink coffee.

Walter, I'm so glad to see you and
your little friend. What's his name?

Donald!

That's very clever, Donald Duck!

No, Donald Peabody!

This isn't a joke duck!

Come on, I'll get
you a glass of water.

Where'd you find him?

I had a hunch while
I was driving around,

so I drove down Elm
Street and there he was,

sitting on the curb in
front of his old store

with that duck.

Aww, the poor guy.

Now, look, don't you
say that in front of Walter.

If there's one thing he
doesn't want, it's sympathy.

Now he's home and he's happy.
Let's just let him sleep it off.

Maude.

Maude, please go and fill
the tub in the guest bathroom.

I promised Donald
he could sleep over.

Come on, honey. I'm
gonna get you up to bed.

Just a second. Let me take a look at
those big beautiful eyes of yours, Walter!

♪ He has eyes of blue ♪

♪ I never cared
for eyes of blue ♪

♪ But he has eyes of blue ♪

♪ That's my weakness, now... ♪

Come on, honey.
Up we go! Up we go!

Come on, everybody!

Let's all go upstairs!

Maude's gonna show you
how to make a loser in the office

an avocado in the bedroom.

Come on, honey, it's almost
midnight. It's way past your bedtime.

No, no, no, Maude,
you stay right here.

Right there.

As I go up these
stairs, you see...

I just want to
remember you just...

as you are at this moment.

♪ And when it's 12:00 ♪

♪ I climb the stairs ♪

♪ I never knock ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody's there. ♪

What was that all about?

Maudie, I'm not
sure that he's drunk.

Maude, I didn't smell
any liquor on his breath

and I didn't like the
way his eyes looked.

Carol, tell Vivian to hurry
upstairs with that coffee!

Maude, when was this refilled?!

- Um, this morning.
- Call the emergency squad!

Get the operator!
Tell them it's urgent!

Maude, the phone!

The phone, Maude! Come on!
Come on! Come on! Come on,

Walter! Wake up! That's it!

Walter, how could
you do this to me?!

Come on, boy, wake up!

Walter, please don't leave me!

Come on, Walter!
Time to wake up!

Come on, Walter!