Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 4 - Walter's Crisis: Part 1 - full transcript

Maude & Walter have a planned vacation, but when Walter does not get a loan, their plans are put on hold.

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

(singing in Spanish)

- Maude, do we have to?
- Come on, Walter!

- I wanna go back to the hotel.
- Oh, come on, old buddy!

Don't be a, uh, a fiesta poop-o!

That's Spanish for party pooper!



(chuckles) Arthur just
made a Mexican joke!

He did! Well, if you were
Mexican, you'd laugh at it.

The last Mexican joke
I laughed at was Charo.

So, why don't the three
of you stay here and I'll...

Will you come on?
Stop that, Walter.

I don't want any dinner. I
want to go back to the hotel.

Come on, Walter!

Tonight's the last
night of our vacation!

All you've done since
we've been down in Acapulco

was worry about that
new store you're opening.

What if they don't deliver the
fixtures or install the air conditioners?

Oh, Walter, will
you stop worrying,

or so help me tonight I'm
gonna hide your kaopectate.

Maude, the bank isn't
loaning me $50,000

to open a new store and to come
down to Acapulco and have a good time.

Well, the bank is certainly
getting its money's worth,

because ever since we've been
here, you've had a lousy time.

And so have I.

As long as we're having a lousy
time, let's have it at the hotel.

Walter, wait!

Scusi.

Now, Walter, sit down.

Maude, there goes the waiter.

Let's order some of
those yummy drinks I love.

Both of you had enough
to drink before we got here.

Oh, come on, Arthur.

We only had two
margaritas at the hotel.

And one in the cab.

Maude, can I order this time?

Of course.

Señores, Señoras, buenas noches.

Buenas noches.

Por favor, tres margaritas.

Tres.

Ah, three margaritas.

Yes! He understood
me! (chuckles)

Never mind, everybody.
Let's just relax

and have a wonderful
dinner on our last night.

- Yes.
- Right.

And maybe, on the
way back to the hotel,

we could go through
the red light district.

- Vivian!
- Oh, Arthur!

I wanna go see the floozies!

Vivian, Vivian, have you
ever actually seen one?

No, no, but I understand
they wear an awful lot

of eye shadow and
sometimes boots!

Wouldn't you just love to talk
to one of them for five minutes!

I wouldn't know
what to ask first!

- You know what I've
always wanted to know?
- What?

This is disgusting.

Shackles.

(laughing)

Walter, will you hold it down?

You're laughing so
hard, people are staring.

Maude, maybe I should
tell the Maître d' who I am.

I mean, I told them at the hotel to get in
touch with me here in case Gordon calls.

Look, Gordon Coleman is
the best lawyer in the business.

Now, Walter, you
hired him to look after

your new store
and the bank loan.

He can certainly handle
anything that goes wrong.

Wrong? What went wrong?

Oh, Walter, will you stop?!

Now, besides, honey,
tonight is a celebration.

Tomorrow, when we get
home, you're going to be named

Tuckahoe
Businessman of the Year!

For the second year in a row.
That's quite an honor, Walter.

And besides, when
that second store opens,

you're gonna be working
seven days a week!

You need this vacation, Walter,

just as much as I do.

We're men! It isn't as if we sit
around all day like Maude and Vivian.

It's what we doctors call
R&R. Rest and relaxation!

In your case, you
should call it DTH.

Death takes a holiday.

Tres margaritas,

señoras y señor!

Ah, not for him!
He's an alcoholic!

El lush-o!

But you better be good to
this man, he's a celebrity!

This is Walter Findlay,

Tuckahoe's
Businessman of the Year!

He's gonna receive his second
gold Tucky in a row tomorrow night!

Arthur, I don't think the
waiter understands English.

- Two Tuckies!
- Ah, two tacos!

Never mind, waiter,
we'll order later.

Vaya con dios.

Take it easy. This place
looks very expensive

- and we've already spent
a fortune down here.
- (Maude) Oh, Walter!

Everything just sounds so
delicious! I wonder what it all is!

I'm not sure, but oh, aren't
these Spanish words beautiful?

I mean, they sound like
they should be in a song.

♪ Mole con pollo ♪

♪ Huevos rancheros ♪

♪ Tostada, enchilada ♪

♪ Y verde ensalada ♪

♪ And dos tamales ♪

♪ To go. ♪

Thank you very much!

Maybe tomorrow on
the way to the airport,

I'll sing a few
billboards for you.

Excuse me, señora.

Are you an American vocalist?

Oh!

Oh, not really.

Although I was once mistaken
for Olivia Newton-John.

Perhaps you would
honor us with a song?

- Oh, do, please. Please.
- Come on, Maudie, sing
a little song.

I couldn't, I'm sorry.

Mucho gracias.

(guitar playing)

Maude, listen to
what he's playing.

I don't believe it.

"Spanish Eyes."

Walter, our song.

You remember.

How could I forget?

That's what we heard
when we first met.

Walter, they were playing
it on that radio you sold me.

Listen, Walter,

I've had enough
margaritas tonight to do this.

If you stop worrying
about business tonight,

I'll sing "Spanish Eyes."

You really know how
to get to a guy, Maude.

- (Vivian) Aww.
- (Arthur) That's good.

- Ah, Señor!
- Si?

Señor, I've changed my mind.

I'd like to sing "Spanish Eyes."

Oh, que bueno!
Señoras y señores!

(speaking Spanish)

Miss Olivia Newton-John!

(clapping)

Please, please. She's at least
five years younger than I am!

Oh, Walter.

Just you and me
and a soft guitar.

♪ Blue, Spanish eyes... ♪

(trumpets drowning out singing)

Alright, alright, I surrender!

So much for romance.

Wait. What's this? We
haven't even ordered yet.

Mole con pollo, huevos ranchero,

tostada, enchilada
y verde ensalada,

and dos tamales

♪ To go. ♪

Maude, he brought everything
you sang off the menu.

I'm glad you didn't sing
the September song.

We'd be here all month.

Amigos! Amigos!
Time for the samba!

Oh, the samba! I love the samba!

Come on, everybody, let's dance!

(music playing)

Oh, honey, isn't this fun?

(Waiter) Señor Findlay!

Comunicacion from your hotel.

Comunicacion from your hotel?

- Communication from your hotel?
- Si.

Message from my hotel.

- This is in Spanish.
- Si.

Uh, "El senor Gordon
Coleman ha llamado el telefono."

- Mr. Gordon Coleman telephoned?
- Si!

Ah! "El banco rehusa a darle..."

- What's el banco?
- El banco. El banco.

- The bank!
- Si!

Ah!

What about this? "Rehusa
a darle un prestamo."

Un prestamo.

- A loan!
- Si!

Gordon called about my money!

All right, now...
"Rehusa a darle"

Huh, eh?

- The bank won't
give me the loan!
- Si!

- Ah!
- Ha ha!

(Walter) The bank
won't give me the loan.

The bank...

won't give me the loan.

The bank...

The bank won't give me the loan.

- (Man) Arriba!
- (Woman) Olé!

We're wiped out.

(Man) Arriba!

For crying out loud,
Shirley, where is Gordon?

He's upstairs getting dressed.

He's putting on
his tuxedo because

this is such an important
night for you, Walter!

You big Businessman
of the Year, you!

Shirley, would you please
tell Gordon to get down here?

Oh, he'll be along.
He'll be along!

Just imagine, yesterday,

you two were down
in sunny Acapulco

and today you're back
home in Tuckahoe!

Isn't that amazing?
Isn't it simply incredible?

No.

Gordon wants us to take a
trip to Mexico, but I don't know.

Seems like such a long way
to go just to see foreign people,

especially when New York
is just 20 minutes away.

I'll go tell Gordon you're here.

You double-Tuckie
winner you! Ha ha!

You know, for a nice person,

Shirley really bugs
the hell out of me.

- Gordon! Will you
get down here?!
- Oh, Walter!

Maude, when I phoned Gordon
after we got home this afternoon,

he said the situation
was very serious.

Oh, come on,
Walter, will you relax?

You know how Gordon
always exaggerates.

How can I open up the new
store without that $50,000 loan?

- Most of the money
is spent already.
- Walter!

I should never have let
you buy things in Acapulco.

Walter, I bought one souvenir.

A ceramic planter
of a little Mexican boy

with a cactus growing
out of his burro.

And I only bought that one

because I knew
nobody else had one.

Maude! Oh, you look ravishing!

Never mind that, Gordon.
What about the loan?

Walter, be patient.

Gordon is our friend. We
haven't seen him in a week.

You know, I was
in Acapulco once.

- It was during the war...
- What about the loan?

Oh, yes, well actually,
it's very simple.

It's getting late. I
better get started.

You see, your cash
flow has retreated

from a preferred position

in the face of unrealized
collection capabilities.

That placed your reserve
factor in a vulnerable phase,

which caused the bank to realign

its stance on your
promissory note commitments.

Please, Gordon, in
English. In English!

Oh, yes, all right,
in plain English.

Your liquidity situation has
been locked into a negative level.

Thank you. Walter,
your liquidity situation

has been locked
into a negative level.

- Thank you. What does that mean?
- I haven't the foggiest.

What it means is that,
eh, you owe a lot of money.

Times are tight.
All of a sudden,

a lot of your customers started
defaulting on their payments.

With all the expenses of a
new store, it was just too much.

Gordon, how much
money do we owe?

Oh, I'm not sure.

Oh, come on, Gordon, you've
been managing my finances for years.

Yes, I know, but I'm
not too good with figures.

I'd say roughly $20,000.

Gordon, we owe $20,000?!

Where am I gonna find $20,000?

Maude? Why don't you
leave these boys alone,

come upstairs with me and help
me pick out a pair of earrings?

I can't decide
which ones to wear.

How would you like to buy mine?

Shirley, honey, we are
trying to talk business.

Oh, business, business,
business, come on, Maude.

- No, I don't think so.
- Come on, let's go upstairs
and have some giggles!

Look, Shirley, we just found
out we are $20,000 in debt.

We have no idea where
we're going to get the money.

Can you understand that?

Well, I'm glad we're not
gonna be at your table tonight.

You're not gonna
be any fun at all.

I'm terribly sorry if
Shirley seemed insensitive.

She doesn't really
understand these things.

We're rich.

Maude, $20,000.

Look, Gordon, there must
be some way out of this.

Of course there's
a way out of it.

You see, Walter,
what did I tell you?

Gordon is the best
lawyer in the business.

He is a lawyer's lawyer.

Okay, Gordon, tell us.
What are we going to do?

Declare bankruptcy.

And you call yourself a lawyer?

- Bankruptcy?
- Sure.

We'll protect your house
and your personal savings,

pay off your business debts
at 10 cents on the dollar,

and you're home free!

25 years down the drain.

Oh, Walter. I know how you feel.

Believe me, this is no big deal.

(laughing) I've handled
dozens of cases just like yours!

Big businessmen who
have lost their business.

They all landed
on their feet again!

Stu Dempsey! Mel Bates!

Landed on their feet again?

Stu Dempsey's a
parking lot attendant.

Mel Bates died without a penny!

Really?

Well, I don't keep in touch
with those guys much anymore.

Stu Dempsey's a
parking lot attendant?

Gordon, isn't there
anything else we can do?

No, I'm sorry.

I think a formal bankruptcy
is the only way to go.

And you mean all those
people who trusted me,

depended upon me,

I'm gonna stick
them for $20,000?

Well, yes.

And you say it's Okay?

I say it's legal, it's business.

It's the American way.

Look, why don't we
have lunch tomorrow

and we'll start the
bankruptcy proceedings?

I better finish up
getting dressed!

And, hey, don't let
this spoil your evening!

I'm glad he's taking it so well.

Maude, I'm sorry.

You married a failure.

- A lousy failure.
- Oh, come on, Walter.

It's not your fault!

You're a victim of the economy!

You know why I decided
to open a new store?

Because the chairman
of the Federal Reserve

went on television and said
the recession had bottomed out.

Then the Secretary of the
Treasury went on television

and said that the economy
had returned to normal.

And then the President
of the United States,

the President, he went
on television and said

"We just started a period of
vigorous economic growth."

You can't believe
everything you hear.

Come on, let's go home.

Oh, no, Walter, we are
going to that banquet.

Now, you are still Tuckahoe's
Businessman of the Year.

I'm not gonna let you crawl
into a hole because of this.

Maude?

Do you know when I
realized I was a success?

It was 1952, I was
married to Marta,

the store had been
open a couple of years,

and one night we drove
downtown to a movie

and I realized that I
could afford to park

in the parking lot for 50 cents.

I didn't have to find a
place out on the street,

six blocks away.

Now, I'm 53 years old,

I have to start looking for
free parking places again.

Oh, Walter, come on, honey,

we'll make out. We
have each other,

we have our savings,
we have the house.

We even have that
radio you sold me!

Oh, that's not working either.

You know the worst thing, Maude?

That little store, Findlay's
Friendly Appliances,

was the only real
mark I made in this life.

Oh, how wrong you are, Walter!

Your contribution is you!

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a very
special person, Walter!

Walter Findlay!

You treat everybody like a
friend, no matter who they are.

You make people
feel good and, honey,

that's your contribution
to the world not the store.

Sweetheart, you
are something else.

So are you.

Come on, let's hurry.

You wanna get there in time to
find a parking space on the street.

Bankrupt?

Oh, Maude.

It's true.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Oh, Walter. Listen,

I just want you to know
that I happen to have

some spare cash just
sitting around the bank.

About $10,000.

Thanks, Arthur, but I
couldn't let you do it.

Oh, good. Come on,
Viv, let's find our table.

Maude, I really don't
want to go in there.

Oh, honey, I understand
how you feel, but sweetie,

these people are
here to honor you.

You can't let them down.

Hi, Walter! Tonight's
the big night, isn't it?

- Sure is, Ernie.
- Hey, listen,

I'd like to talk to you and
Maude later about Mexico.

You know, with the money that
I'm making building your new store,

I'll finally be able
to afford a vacation!

- Sure thing, Ernie!
- I'll see you inside.

You hear that? Trip to Mexico.

Wait till he finds out I'm paying
him 10 cents on the dollar.

He can go to Spanish Harlem.

Maude, how can
I face those guys?

I owe money to
everybody in that room.

Oh, Walter, these
people love you.

And they love you
for who you are,

not for what you've
accomplished.

- That's true, isn't it?
- Well, of course it's true.

Let's go in.

Now, what can I say

about our guest
of honor tonight?

I'll bet there isn't
anyone in this room

who isn't benefiting
from what Walter Findlay

is doing for this town
with that new store of his!

As the painting contractor,

I don't mind telling
you that new store of his

is building that
new house of mine!

(laughing)

Oh, I see I'm not
the only one, huh?

(laughing) Seriously,
though, folks,

I guess you could say

Walter Findlay
invested in Tuckahoe,

we've invested in Walter Findlay

because...

he's a blue chip.

So, Walter Findlay,

it gives me great
pleasure to present to you

as Tuckahoe
Businessman of the Year,

your second annual golden Tucky!

I'm honored.

When I look around and
see old friends like Marty,

who installed all
the air conditioners.

Ken, who did the plumbing,

and you, Ernie, you
did all the construction.

And let's not forget Stu
Dempsey out in the parking lot.

And I suddenly realized that

what someone special told me

just before I came
in here is true.

You love me for who I am,

not for what I've accomplished.

That store actually
belongs to you...

(All) Aww!

Because I can't pay you.

(crowd laughs)

No, seriously, right, Maude?

You see, it's only
fair to tell you that...

today...

I went bankrupt.

- (Ernie) You creep!
- Ernie!

Why would you
do a thing like this?!

(shouting)

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude. ♪