Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 22 - Vivian's Surprise - full transcript
Vivian is happy and relaxed after Arthur comes back from a trip. Vivian explains that Arthur is a different man, and then wonders what might have happened while he was out of town to cause his change of heart.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
When are you leaving, Maude?
Oh, just as soon
as Vivian gets here.
Boy, what bargains! Wow.
Maude, when you're in
New York shopping today,
would you pick
something up for me?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
I won't have time
to fight my way to
the men's department.
No, no, I'm sorry, honey,
but when Vivian and I
go to these sales
at Bloomingdales,
we're lucky if we manage to pick
up what we want for ourselves.
I remember last year,
we were fighting that mob
in ladies' handbags.
There was such a
crush that Vivian fainted.
Thank God everybody
rushed to help her,
so I had a clear shot at
a gorgeous Italian purse.
Your best friend faints and all
you care about is buying a purse?
Oh, no, it was all
right. A half hour later,
I fainted for her in
ladies underwear.
Look, Maude, I just want
you to buy me a jogging suit.
A jo... Walter, you don't jog.
I know, but a lot of
guys are wearing them.
- It makes you look athletic!
- You want to look athletic?
Why don't you just wear
bicycle clips on your pants?
(chuckles)
Ah!
- Hi, Walter!
- (Walter) Hi, Viv.
- Hi, Maude!
- Oh, hi, Viv!
Hi!
I'll be ready to go
in just a few minutes.
Oh, Maude, would you
happen to have any...
oh... coffee?
Sure, there's some out
on the stove. Help yourself.
Oh, thank you, Maude!
Thank you, Walter!
Thank you, God!
Boy, Vivian looks really...
happy.
If you were married to Arthur and he
was out of town, you'd look happy, too.
(phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Templeton, how are you?
That's great. Yeah, yeah.
Now, I have gotten a
number of calls on the house
but nothing I'd insult you with.
Yeah, but I'm sure there'll be
a lot more calls this afternoon.
I don't want you to worry. No.
And I'll be sitting right here
with my hand on the phone.
Yeah. Bye bye.
Walter, sit right here with
your hand on the phone.
Maude.
Oh, come on, now, Walter,
all you have to do is when
they call about the house,
simply tell them that
we're asking $48,000.
For the Templeton house
on Broadhurst Street?
- (laughs)
- That's right.
You want me to say
you're asking $48,000?
American? (laughs)
Walter, the Templeton
house happens to be
in a very expensive
neighborhood.
The place next
door costs $250,000.
It's a Ramada Inn!
(humming)
Boy, you should see these
sales today at Bloomingdales.
It's like having
a license to steal.
Vivian, have you
heard from Arthur?
He got back from
Hartford last night.
Is he home now?
He's getting ready to
leave for the hospital.
I'll see if I can catch him.
Now look, Walter,
don't stay too long.
Oh...
Vivian, please don't
get too comfortable.
We don't want to miss
that train to New York.
Maude, what do you
know about Hartford?
Hartford?
They have a deer up there
that sells life insurance.
What is there to
know about Hartford?
When Arthur got home last
night, he was different man.
Different in what way?
Oh, it was as if he
saw me with new eyes.
He was so appreciative and...
Ooh, Maude he was so romantic.
He brought home a bottle
of French champagne.
That's just not like Arthur.
No, it isn't.
He probably won it
in a raffle somewhere.
That's what I thought.
But he also brought me a
beautiful bouquet of roses.
Vivian, champagne, roses?
Then he built a fire
and put on his Mantovani records
and took me in his
arms and kissed me...
and Maude, he even
nibbled on my ear!
(laughs)
He's never done that before!
And then we stayed up all night,
waiting for the sunrise.
- And then...
- Never mind.
You can tell me the rest of
the story on the train to Hartford.
Apparently, there's a lot
more going on up there
than just a deer
selling life insurance.
Oh, Maude, I guess I missed
Arthur. He didn't answer the door.
But I bumped into Stu
Dempsey, who was walking by
in his jogging suit. Boy,
he looked like such a jock!
Please, Maude, buy me one.
Maude, not a word about you
know what to you know who.
I know I'm you know who.
But what's you know what?
Um, Walter, it's just girl talk.
Oh, no, it's not just girl talk.
I mean, there is a
man involved, too.
Oh? Who's that?
Walter, this is just
between Vivian and me.
It really doesn't
concern you at all.
Well, it certainly does!
Arthur's his best friend!
- Walter, Arthur came home...
- Maude! You promised.
Tell me later!
Stu wants me to play golf today,
so I thought Mrs. Naugatuck
could handle the
Templeton calls.
Walter, you promised
me that you would
take the calls on the
house for me today.
What's wrong with
Mrs. Naugatuck?
- She could use a good laugh!
- Walter!
All right, I'll go and tell Stu
I can't come out and play.
Maude, I've been thinking,
isn't Hartford where they
have all those oyster bars?
(doorbell rings)
I think you're thinking
of Steubenville, Ohio.
Well, Arthur, why were
you ringing the bell?
Well, it's not polite to just
barge in on a neighbor.
How considerate.
Arthur!
I thought you left
for the hospital.
Not yet, baby.
Well, Walter was just over
at our house looking for you.
Well, I don't always
answer the door.
I'm kind of a laid-back
guy, you know?
(giggling)
Besides, I couldn't
go without another
taste of those luscious lips.
Ohh, aren't you adorable!
Well, passion knows no bounds
when you're with
the goddess of love.
(phone ringing)
I'll get it.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Templeton.
Yes, yes, I have
gotten quite a few calls,
but they were all bargains.
Yes, I'm standing pat
at $48,000.
What's that, you say?
You have good news?
Who? Who bought
the place next door?
Well.
Yes, that is good news.
Yes, I mean, I mean, a
Ramada Inn on one side
and now a Jack in
the Box on the other.
I'll... I'll... I'll keep
you informed.
Um, this might interest you.
Bloomingdales is running
a special on ChapStick.
Sorry, Maude,
guess I got carried away.
This little doll drives me nuts.
By the way, babe,
where's the checkbook?
Uh, uh, where you
always keep it, Arthur,
in the broom closet inside
the old vacuum cleaner bag.
Of course!
What do you want
the checkbook for?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
(growling, gnashing)
(growling, gnashing, giggling)
He really is different.
I could understand
a change in a man
if he'd been to Paris or London.
Sodom and Gomorrah,
Pittsburgh, but Hartford?
And he was so sad
when he left on that trip.
Didn't say what was wrong,
just that he had
a family problem.
It looks to me
like he solved it.
I think he did.
You know, Maude, last
night was so unusual.
Have you ever run barefoot
through Cheez Whiz?
- So much for the trip
to Bloomingdales.
- Why?
You'll have every mouse in
New York snapping at your heels.
- Arthur? You're back?
- Yes, cupcake.
But shouldn't you be
getting to the hospital?
Well, I was going to,
but to tell the truth, Viv,
I just didn't feel like it.
That trip took a lot out of me.
Maybe it was a mistake taking
the bus home just to save $3.
Ah, now that sounds
like my old friend Arthur.
Cheap.
You seem so different
all of the sudden.
Do I?
Yes, of course I
do. Look, I just...
better get this off
my chest, Vivian.
I didn't tell you why I went
away to Hartford because...
well, I was ashamed.
Ashamed? Ashamed of what?
I'm afraid there's a
skeleton in my family closet.
It's my brother, Arnold.
Your brother?
You never told me
you had a brother.
I know. I've kept it hidden
all these years, Vivian.
You see, Arnold is...
well... he's not
wrapped too tight.
He's been in and
out of institutions
most of his adult life.
Ohh.
Oh, well, Arthur, I
would have understood.
Thank you, Viv.
Anyway, Arnold's been
up in this place in Hartford
and they were having
trouble with him.
They asked me to come up there.
It's funny, you know. I was
always the successful one.
He tried to compete,
but he just couldn't
take the pressure.
(Vivian) Oh.
Anyway, Vivian, as soon as I got to
Hartford, they told me he'd escaped.
- He escaped?!
- That's right,
and the authorities
thought he might
be heading this way and
try to impersonate me.
I better go to the
bank and alert them.
Wait a minute. Arthur,
you mean the two of
you look that much alike?
Like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle
Dum. We're identical twins.
That's why I took the first bus
back from Hartford this morning.
Vivian, I hate
to say this, but...
I think you were tweedling
with Tweedle Dum.
Vivian, please.
Vivian, please, sit
up and look at me!
I can't!
(crying) I'm too ashamed!
Vivian, it's not your fault.
They're identical twins!
Oh, come on now, Vivian.
Vivian, how were you to
know that that romantic man
who gave you champagne
and roses, who admired you,
who adored you, who
showered you with affection...
Honey, how were you to know that
he was Arthur's crazy brother?
I wonder why they
think he's crazy.
(Vivian crying)
Oh, come on now, Vivian,
it is not the end of the world!
Vivian. Vivian, please, dear.
Vivian, for Maude,
please sit up.
Sit up, Vivian.
That's my girl.
(crying)
That's my girl.
Now look, Vivian, you
have to pull yourself together.
I'll get you a Kleenex.
Thank you, Maude.
Maude, thank you
for taking care...
of me.
Oh, come on, Vivian, you're
my friend and I love you.
I mean any woman could
have made this mistake.
I can certainly
empathize with your pain.
Dear, dear Vivian.
(laughing)
(gasping, coughing)
Dear, dear Vivian.
Oh, Maude, I
just feel so guilty!
I feel just like
a piece of dirt.
Oh, why didn't I
know it wasn't Arthur?!
Vivian, how could
you have known that
Arthur had an
identical twin brother?
Well, I should have
suspected something
from the minute we were married.
In his family
album, all of Arthur's
baby pictures are cut in half.
How am I ever gonna
tell Arthur what happened?
Look, Viv, it's not
going to be easy.
Ooh!
I mean, this calls for a woman
to summon up the courage
to sit her husband down,
look him straight in
the eye and say nothing.
I have to say something!
Well, why? Come on, Viv.
In a few days, you'll
forget all about it
and then, after a
while, you'll only
think of it once in
a while, at night.
(crying)
Maude, I need something
to settle my nerves.
Could you make me a drink?
Of course, honey. What would
you like? Scotch? Bourbon? Vodka?
- Gatorade?
- Oh, yeah. Walter keeps
some in the refrigerator.
It makes him feel like a jock.
Vivian, do you want some ice?
No, no, I'll just
drink it straight.
Hey.
Thought you two
would be gone by now.
Maude, don't tell you know
who about you know what.
Every time I walk into the
house, I become you know who!
Walter, Walter, why don't you go
and play golf with Stu Dempsey?
You said I had to stay home
and answer the phone while
you were in New York.
Walter, I'm certainly
not going to New York
when someone I love is
faced with a big decision.
I made my decision.
I'm not playing golf!
Not you, Walter! Vivian!
I'm getting out of here before
the two of you drive
me to an insane asylum.
He knows. He knows! He knows!
Vivian, he does not
know, now, honey,
now, listen, you have
to pull yourself together.
Oh, well, I'm all
right. I'm all right.
I've decided to
tell Arthur the truth.
Oh, that's your decision.
(Walter) Arthur, if you're looking
for Vivian, she's in my kitchen.
Oh! Arthur's back from the bank!
He's coming over here!
- I'd better leave so you can...
- No! I want you to tell him.
I wouldn't know what to say!
Oh, just tell him that
I'm blameless because
I thought it was him.
Well, Vivian, how am I ever
going to get him to believe that?
You got me to believe it!
Vivian, no!
- Hello, Arthur.
- Where's Vivian?
Oh, she had to
run out for a minute.
Listen, Arthur.
Vivian has something
she wants me to tell you.
Oh? Bad news?
Not for everyone.
Sit down, Arthur.
What is it, Maude?
Um, look, Arthur, you
and I have been friends
for a long time.
Yeah. Very good friends.
I mean, sure, we've had
our fights, but nothing serious.
No, we always kiss and make up.
So I feel that I can
speak frankly to you.
If there's anybody that
can speak frankly to me,
it's you, Maude.
I'm going to be blunt, Arthur,
Vivian spent
a very romantic night
with your twin brother.
Now look, Arthur, before
you condemn Vivian,
I want you to realize this
would never have happened
if you hadn't been
so damn cheap that
you took a bus back
to save a few dollars.
I'm not condemning
Vivian, Maude.
- You're not?
- No.
Don't worry, Maude.
I love Vivian.
And I love you for having
the courage to tell me.
Arthur, I never dreamed
you'd take it this way.
You are quite a man.
And you're quite a woman.
Oh, Arthur, Vivian is
going to be so relieved.
I mean, she was so
full of shame and guilt!
Vivian is so naive and innocent
about the ways of the world.
She's not mature like
you and me, Maude.
Arthur, that's so understanding.
I guess it takes
a crisis like this
to bring two friends
closer together.
We've always been
close, haven't we, Maude?
Never this close.
(glass shatters)
Oh, now isn't that clumsy of me?
And your good sugar
bowl, too. I am sorry.
Look, I'd like to pay for that.
Will $50 be enough to cover it?
You want to pay for some...
(yelling) You're not
Arthur! You're crazy Arnold!
Walter! Walter! Walter!
What's the matter?!
Walter, Arthur's crazy
twin brother was here!
Arnold?!
- You know about Arnold?
- Of course!
Arthur told me when
we were in the army.
I found out about Arnold the
first night we bunked together.
Vivian found out about
Arnold almost the same way.
Walter, please,
catch him, catch him!
- Where did he go?
- Through the living room.
Look Walter, search
the neighborhood.
I'll call the bank and
see if Arthur's still there.
Walter, run! Don't jog!
(singing)
Hello, Maude!
Vivian, what were
you doing in the den?
Oh, just confessing to Arthur.
Arthur?
Yes, oh and he was so forgiving
and forgiving and forgiving...
Vivian.
Vivian.
I don't know how
to tell you this,
but you have been in the
pod with the wrong pea again.
- What?
- I got him, Maude! I got him!
He was just getting in the car!
Walter! I was just
getting out of the car!
You can't fool me, Arnold!
Oh, there you are!
Animal.
Cupcake! You hit me!
Cupcake?
I demand an explanation.
Just a second, Arthur.
Arthur?
- Arthur?
- Arthur!
Ohh, my God.
Arnold!
Come on out.
Arnold, so you did come here.
Well, you have to go back.
You know that, don't you?
Now we all love you.
But it's for your own good.
I'll take you up
to Hartford myself.
- I'll drive you.
- Oh, thanks, Walter.
By the way, these are my good
friends, Maude and Walter Findlay.
Oh, Arnold, you haven't
met my wife, Vivian!
Hello, Vivian.
Be polite, Arnold,
shake her hand!
Come along, Arnold.
We have to go.
It was nice meeting you, Vivian.
My pleasure.
(giggles)
(laughs)
I mean, it was nice
meeting you, too.
(door closes)
Ah, poor Arnold.
Oh, I mean, it's so sad
to be in an institution,
cut off from all news
and information.
What he doesn't
know won't hurt him.
You're right.
You're right. It's
better for Arnold.
I'm not talking about Arnold.
I'm talking about Arthur!
You know something, Viv?
You've made a
very wise decision.
(phone rings)
And after all, what
harm was done?
Hello? Oh, hello,
Mrs. Templeton.
You sold the house?!
That is wonderful!
How much did you get for it?
A check for the entire $48,000?!
Oh, tell me!
Who was crazy enough to
spend that kind of money?
A doctor... Arthur... Harmon...
(music playing)
(vocalizing)
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
When are you leaving, Maude?
Oh, just as soon
as Vivian gets here.
Boy, what bargains! Wow.
Maude, when you're in
New York shopping today,
would you pick
something up for me?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
I won't have time
to fight my way to
the men's department.
No, no, I'm sorry, honey,
but when Vivian and I
go to these sales
at Bloomingdales,
we're lucky if we manage to pick
up what we want for ourselves.
I remember last year,
we were fighting that mob
in ladies' handbags.
There was such a
crush that Vivian fainted.
Thank God everybody
rushed to help her,
so I had a clear shot at
a gorgeous Italian purse.
Your best friend faints and all
you care about is buying a purse?
Oh, no, it was all
right. A half hour later,
I fainted for her in
ladies underwear.
Look, Maude, I just want
you to buy me a jogging suit.
A jo... Walter, you don't jog.
I know, but a lot of
guys are wearing them.
- It makes you look athletic!
- You want to look athletic?
Why don't you just wear
bicycle clips on your pants?
(chuckles)
Ah!
- Hi, Walter!
- (Walter) Hi, Viv.
- Hi, Maude!
- Oh, hi, Viv!
Hi!
I'll be ready to go
in just a few minutes.
Oh, Maude, would you
happen to have any...
oh... coffee?
Sure, there's some out
on the stove. Help yourself.
Oh, thank you, Maude!
Thank you, Walter!
Thank you, God!
Boy, Vivian looks really...
happy.
If you were married to Arthur and he
was out of town, you'd look happy, too.
(phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Templeton, how are you?
That's great. Yeah, yeah.
Now, I have gotten a
number of calls on the house
but nothing I'd insult you with.
Yeah, but I'm sure there'll be
a lot more calls this afternoon.
I don't want you to worry. No.
And I'll be sitting right here
with my hand on the phone.
Yeah. Bye bye.
Walter, sit right here with
your hand on the phone.
Maude.
Oh, come on, now, Walter,
all you have to do is when
they call about the house,
simply tell them that
we're asking $48,000.
For the Templeton house
on Broadhurst Street?
- (laughs)
- That's right.
You want me to say
you're asking $48,000?
American? (laughs)
Walter, the Templeton
house happens to be
in a very expensive
neighborhood.
The place next
door costs $250,000.
It's a Ramada Inn!
(humming)
Boy, you should see these
sales today at Bloomingdales.
It's like having
a license to steal.
Vivian, have you
heard from Arthur?
He got back from
Hartford last night.
Is he home now?
He's getting ready to
leave for the hospital.
I'll see if I can catch him.
Now look, Walter,
don't stay too long.
Oh...
Vivian, please don't
get too comfortable.
We don't want to miss
that train to New York.
Maude, what do you
know about Hartford?
Hartford?
They have a deer up there
that sells life insurance.
What is there to
know about Hartford?
When Arthur got home last
night, he was different man.
Different in what way?
Oh, it was as if he
saw me with new eyes.
He was so appreciative and...
Ooh, Maude he was so romantic.
He brought home a bottle
of French champagne.
That's just not like Arthur.
No, it isn't.
He probably won it
in a raffle somewhere.
That's what I thought.
But he also brought me a
beautiful bouquet of roses.
Vivian, champagne, roses?
Then he built a fire
and put on his Mantovani records
and took me in his
arms and kissed me...
and Maude, he even
nibbled on my ear!
(laughs)
He's never done that before!
And then we stayed up all night,
waiting for the sunrise.
- And then...
- Never mind.
You can tell me the rest of
the story on the train to Hartford.
Apparently, there's a lot
more going on up there
than just a deer
selling life insurance.
Oh, Maude, I guess I missed
Arthur. He didn't answer the door.
But I bumped into Stu
Dempsey, who was walking by
in his jogging suit. Boy,
he looked like such a jock!
Please, Maude, buy me one.
Maude, not a word about you
know what to you know who.
I know I'm you know who.
But what's you know what?
Um, Walter, it's just girl talk.
Oh, no, it's not just girl talk.
I mean, there is a
man involved, too.
Oh? Who's that?
Walter, this is just
between Vivian and me.
It really doesn't
concern you at all.
Well, it certainly does!
Arthur's his best friend!
- Walter, Arthur came home...
- Maude! You promised.
Tell me later!
Stu wants me to play golf today,
so I thought Mrs. Naugatuck
could handle the
Templeton calls.
Walter, you promised
me that you would
take the calls on the
house for me today.
What's wrong with
Mrs. Naugatuck?
- She could use a good laugh!
- Walter!
All right, I'll go and tell Stu
I can't come out and play.
Maude, I've been thinking,
isn't Hartford where they
have all those oyster bars?
(doorbell rings)
I think you're thinking
of Steubenville, Ohio.
Well, Arthur, why were
you ringing the bell?
Well, it's not polite to just
barge in on a neighbor.
How considerate.
Arthur!
I thought you left
for the hospital.
Not yet, baby.
Well, Walter was just over
at our house looking for you.
Well, I don't always
answer the door.
I'm kind of a laid-back
guy, you know?
(giggling)
Besides, I couldn't
go without another
taste of those luscious lips.
Ohh, aren't you adorable!
Well, passion knows no bounds
when you're with
the goddess of love.
(phone ringing)
I'll get it.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Templeton.
Yes, yes, I have
gotten quite a few calls,
but they were all bargains.
Yes, I'm standing pat
at $48,000.
What's that, you say?
You have good news?
Who? Who bought
the place next door?
Well.
Yes, that is good news.
Yes, I mean, I mean, a
Ramada Inn on one side
and now a Jack in
the Box on the other.
I'll... I'll... I'll keep
you informed.
Um, this might interest you.
Bloomingdales is running
a special on ChapStick.
Sorry, Maude,
guess I got carried away.
This little doll drives me nuts.
By the way, babe,
where's the checkbook?
Uh, uh, where you
always keep it, Arthur,
in the broom closet inside
the old vacuum cleaner bag.
Of course!
What do you want
the checkbook for?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
(growling, gnashing)
(growling, gnashing, giggling)
He really is different.
I could understand
a change in a man
if he'd been to Paris or London.
Sodom and Gomorrah,
Pittsburgh, but Hartford?
And he was so sad
when he left on that trip.
Didn't say what was wrong,
just that he had
a family problem.
It looks to me
like he solved it.
I think he did.
You know, Maude, last
night was so unusual.
Have you ever run barefoot
through Cheez Whiz?
- So much for the trip
to Bloomingdales.
- Why?
You'll have every mouse in
New York snapping at your heels.
- Arthur? You're back?
- Yes, cupcake.
But shouldn't you be
getting to the hospital?
Well, I was going to,
but to tell the truth, Viv,
I just didn't feel like it.
That trip took a lot out of me.
Maybe it was a mistake taking
the bus home just to save $3.
Ah, now that sounds
like my old friend Arthur.
Cheap.
You seem so different
all of the sudden.
Do I?
Yes, of course I
do. Look, I just...
better get this off
my chest, Vivian.
I didn't tell you why I went
away to Hartford because...
well, I was ashamed.
Ashamed? Ashamed of what?
I'm afraid there's a
skeleton in my family closet.
It's my brother, Arnold.
Your brother?
You never told me
you had a brother.
I know. I've kept it hidden
all these years, Vivian.
You see, Arnold is...
well... he's not
wrapped too tight.
He's been in and
out of institutions
most of his adult life.
Ohh.
Oh, well, Arthur, I
would have understood.
Thank you, Viv.
Anyway, Arnold's been
up in this place in Hartford
and they were having
trouble with him.
They asked me to come up there.
It's funny, you know. I was
always the successful one.
He tried to compete,
but he just couldn't
take the pressure.
(Vivian) Oh.
Anyway, Vivian, as soon as I got to
Hartford, they told me he'd escaped.
- He escaped?!
- That's right,
and the authorities
thought he might
be heading this way and
try to impersonate me.
I better go to the
bank and alert them.
Wait a minute. Arthur,
you mean the two of
you look that much alike?
Like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle
Dum. We're identical twins.
That's why I took the first bus
back from Hartford this morning.
Vivian, I hate
to say this, but...
I think you were tweedling
with Tweedle Dum.
Vivian, please.
Vivian, please, sit
up and look at me!
I can't!
(crying) I'm too ashamed!
Vivian, it's not your fault.
They're identical twins!
Oh, come on now, Vivian.
Vivian, how were you to
know that that romantic man
who gave you champagne
and roses, who admired you,
who adored you, who
showered you with affection...
Honey, how were you to know that
he was Arthur's crazy brother?
I wonder why they
think he's crazy.
(Vivian crying)
Oh, come on now, Vivian,
it is not the end of the world!
Vivian. Vivian, please, dear.
Vivian, for Maude,
please sit up.
Sit up, Vivian.
That's my girl.
(crying)
That's my girl.
Now look, Vivian, you
have to pull yourself together.
I'll get you a Kleenex.
Thank you, Maude.
Maude, thank you
for taking care...
of me.
Oh, come on, Vivian, you're
my friend and I love you.
I mean any woman could
have made this mistake.
I can certainly
empathize with your pain.
Dear, dear Vivian.
(laughing)
(gasping, coughing)
Dear, dear Vivian.
Oh, Maude, I
just feel so guilty!
I feel just like
a piece of dirt.
Oh, why didn't I
know it wasn't Arthur?!
Vivian, how could
you have known that
Arthur had an
identical twin brother?
Well, I should have
suspected something
from the minute we were married.
In his family
album, all of Arthur's
baby pictures are cut in half.
How am I ever gonna
tell Arthur what happened?
Look, Viv, it's not
going to be easy.
Ooh!
I mean, this calls for a woman
to summon up the courage
to sit her husband down,
look him straight in
the eye and say nothing.
I have to say something!
Well, why? Come on, Viv.
In a few days, you'll
forget all about it
and then, after a
while, you'll only
think of it once in
a while, at night.
(crying)
Maude, I need something
to settle my nerves.
Could you make me a drink?
Of course, honey. What would
you like? Scotch? Bourbon? Vodka?
- Gatorade?
- Oh, yeah. Walter keeps
some in the refrigerator.
It makes him feel like a jock.
Vivian, do you want some ice?
No, no, I'll just
drink it straight.
Hey.
Thought you two
would be gone by now.
Maude, don't tell you know
who about you know what.
Every time I walk into the
house, I become you know who!
Walter, Walter, why don't you go
and play golf with Stu Dempsey?
You said I had to stay home
and answer the phone while
you were in New York.
Walter, I'm certainly
not going to New York
when someone I love is
faced with a big decision.
I made my decision.
I'm not playing golf!
Not you, Walter! Vivian!
I'm getting out of here before
the two of you drive
me to an insane asylum.
He knows. He knows! He knows!
Vivian, he does not
know, now, honey,
now, listen, you have
to pull yourself together.
Oh, well, I'm all
right. I'm all right.
I've decided to
tell Arthur the truth.
Oh, that's your decision.
(Walter) Arthur, if you're looking
for Vivian, she's in my kitchen.
Oh! Arthur's back from the bank!
He's coming over here!
- I'd better leave so you can...
- No! I want you to tell him.
I wouldn't know what to say!
Oh, just tell him that
I'm blameless because
I thought it was him.
Well, Vivian, how am I ever
going to get him to believe that?
You got me to believe it!
Vivian, no!
- Hello, Arthur.
- Where's Vivian?
Oh, she had to
run out for a minute.
Listen, Arthur.
Vivian has something
she wants me to tell you.
Oh? Bad news?
Not for everyone.
Sit down, Arthur.
What is it, Maude?
Um, look, Arthur, you
and I have been friends
for a long time.
Yeah. Very good friends.
I mean, sure, we've had
our fights, but nothing serious.
No, we always kiss and make up.
So I feel that I can
speak frankly to you.
If there's anybody that
can speak frankly to me,
it's you, Maude.
I'm going to be blunt, Arthur,
Vivian spent
a very romantic night
with your twin brother.
Now look, Arthur, before
you condemn Vivian,
I want you to realize this
would never have happened
if you hadn't been
so damn cheap that
you took a bus back
to save a few dollars.
I'm not condemning
Vivian, Maude.
- You're not?
- No.
Don't worry, Maude.
I love Vivian.
And I love you for having
the courage to tell me.
Arthur, I never dreamed
you'd take it this way.
You are quite a man.
And you're quite a woman.
Oh, Arthur, Vivian is
going to be so relieved.
I mean, she was so
full of shame and guilt!
Vivian is so naive and innocent
about the ways of the world.
She's not mature like
you and me, Maude.
Arthur, that's so understanding.
I guess it takes
a crisis like this
to bring two friends
closer together.
We've always been
close, haven't we, Maude?
Never this close.
(glass shatters)
Oh, now isn't that clumsy of me?
And your good sugar
bowl, too. I am sorry.
Look, I'd like to pay for that.
Will $50 be enough to cover it?
You want to pay for some...
(yelling) You're not
Arthur! You're crazy Arnold!
Walter! Walter! Walter!
What's the matter?!
Walter, Arthur's crazy
twin brother was here!
Arnold?!
- You know about Arnold?
- Of course!
Arthur told me when
we were in the army.
I found out about Arnold the
first night we bunked together.
Vivian found out about
Arnold almost the same way.
Walter, please,
catch him, catch him!
- Where did he go?
- Through the living room.
Look Walter, search
the neighborhood.
I'll call the bank and
see if Arthur's still there.
Walter, run! Don't jog!
(singing)
Hello, Maude!
Vivian, what were
you doing in the den?
Oh, just confessing to Arthur.
Arthur?
Yes, oh and he was so forgiving
and forgiving and forgiving...
Vivian.
Vivian.
I don't know how
to tell you this,
but you have been in the
pod with the wrong pea again.
- What?
- I got him, Maude! I got him!
He was just getting in the car!
Walter! I was just
getting out of the car!
You can't fool me, Arnold!
Oh, there you are!
Animal.
Cupcake! You hit me!
Cupcake?
I demand an explanation.
Just a second, Arthur.
Arthur?
- Arthur?
- Arthur!
Ohh, my God.
Arnold!
Come on out.
Arnold, so you did come here.
Well, you have to go back.
You know that, don't you?
Now we all love you.
But it's for your own good.
I'll take you up
to Hartford myself.
- I'll drive you.
- Oh, thanks, Walter.
By the way, these are my good
friends, Maude and Walter Findlay.
Oh, Arnold, you haven't
met my wife, Vivian!
Hello, Vivian.
Be polite, Arnold,
shake her hand!
Come along, Arnold.
We have to go.
It was nice meeting you, Vivian.
My pleasure.
(giggles)
(laughs)
I mean, it was nice
meeting you, too.
(door closes)
Ah, poor Arnold.
Oh, I mean, it's so sad
to be in an institution,
cut off from all news
and information.
What he doesn't
know won't hurt him.
You're right.
You're right. It's
better for Arnold.
I'm not talking about Arnold.
I'm talking about Arthur!
You know something, Viv?
You've made a
very wise decision.
(phone rings)
And after all, what
harm was done?
Hello? Oh, hello,
Mrs. Templeton.
You sold the house?!
That is wonderful!
How much did you get for it?
A check for the entire $48,000?!
Oh, tell me!
Who was crazy enough to
spend that kind of money?
A doctor... Arthur... Harmon...
(music playing)
(vocalizing)
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪