Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 21 - Arthur's New Best Friend - full transcript
Maude thinks that Walter & Arthur must have had a disagreement since Walter is hanging out with another friend, and not doing anything with Arthur. Turns out it is because Arthur has a new friend who is a snob.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Then add one
half-cup melted butter
and the yolks of two eggs.
Stir well and spread generously
across the breasts and legs.
What do you think, Maude?
Oh, it sounds fabulous.
A little kinky, but fabulous.
Here's another one. Goose...
Vivian, Vivian, if
it's all right with you,
I really don't want
to hear any more
recipes from the
"Joy of Chicken."
What's the matter
with you today, Maude?
Oh, Vivian, I'm
worried about Walter.
Why?
I think he and Arthur
have had a falling out.
Oh, I don't think so.
Aren't they playing
golf together?
No! Walter is playing
with Hubie Binder!
The foot doctor?
The one who does
Elizabeth Taylor's toes?
She owes him a lot.
He stayed with her through
10 toes and six husbands.
Well, if Walter's playing
with Hubie Binder,
then Arthur must be
playing with somebody else.
That's exactly my point, Vivian.
It has been two weeks
now since Arthur and Walter
have done any of their
dumb buddy stuff together!
They haven't gone bowling,
they haven't been fishing,
they haven't even watched
"Charlie's Angels" together!
You know how they rave about
Farrah Fawcett-Major's
acting ability.
Ooh, I love her!
Hi, hun! Hello, there, Hubie!
Hi, Mrs. Findlay!
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Harmon!
- Dr. Binder.
Tell me, how was the game?
Oh, great, thanks
to Walter's tips,
I shot my lowest score ever.
Yeah, 168.
First time, I shot
in the 200 mark.
You also got a birdie!
A birdie! Oh!
Well, that's good, isn't it?
He was looking for a
lost ball in the woods
and he stepped on a sparrow.
I think it's gonna be all right.
I'm taking it to the vet.
I have it outside in
my glove compartment.
Well, I better go
on home, Maude.
Hey, the "Joy of Chicken!"
Is that any good?
It was pretty good.
It doesn't have
everything you'd want.
Yeah, there aren't
any sparrow recipes.
- Bye, Maude.
- I'll see you later, Viv.
Say, Walter, I'm awful
sorry about that sparrow.
Yeah, and about the Ovaltine
you spilled on me at the clubhouse.
Time!
I'm really sorry!
Why are you so
upset? It's only a game.
Listen, have you guys eaten?
I'm gonna fix some lunch.
- Oh, great, I'm starving!
- Then go eat out!
- Walter, stop being so rude.
- I'm not being rude.
It's more important for you to
get to the vet to save the sparrow.
- Right. Thanks!
- So get out!
Walter, there is absolutely
no excuse for being
rude to Hubie just because
you had a fight with Arthur.
How could I have
a fight with Arthur?
I haven't even seen
him in two weeks.
He's too busy running
around with Wendell Glendale.
Wendell Gwen...
that pompous bore?
Yeah, Arthur's been out
with him every night this week.
I'll bet he's playing
golf with him right now.
All Arthur can think of lately
is Wendell, Wendell, Wendell!
What the hell does
he see in that guy?
Oh, come on now, honey, don't
you think you're overreacting?
Why shouldn't I overreact?
Arthur and I have been
best friends for 33 years.
All of the sudden, it's over!
How could he dump
me for a guy like that?
Well, honey, be
thankful for one thing.
What?
At least there aren't
any children involved.
That's probably Hubie.
I'll bet he's lost the sparrow.
Fore!
- Hi, Maudie!
- Hello, Arthur.
You know my good friend
Wendell Glendale, don't you?
- Of course. Hello, Wendell.
- Hello, Maude.
Walter, look who's here!
Arthur Harmon and his good
friend, Wendell Glendale!
- Hello, Arthur. Hello, Wendell.
- Hello, Walt!
- How's the suds business?
- What? What?
That's what I call appliances,
Art. Suds business.
You know, washers, dryers, suds.
Isn't this some
kind of a guy? Huh?
You see, Walt, when I ask
"How's the suds business?"
You should say,
"Bubbling along."
It's bubbling along.
No, not now, the
next time I ask.
Walter, I'll go write
that down for you.
It's Okay, Maude. I got it.
Sit down, Wendell! Sit down!
Hey, Walter, we just stopped
by to return your favorite putter.
Thanks!
Wendell says he
thinks it isn't right for me.
Boy, I don't think I've seen you
since I borrowed
that thing, Walter.
Must be two weeks!
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
I've been very busy.
For instance, I was out
today with Hubie Binder.
Really? Hubie a golfer?
Some people say he's a golfer.
Some people say he's a hunter.
Where did you guys play
today? I didn't see you at the club.
Oh, no, no, we played at
Wendell's club. It is fabulous.
I thought Arthur
would prefer it.
You meet a better class
of people than at your club.
That's right!
You see, it's restricted.
Restricted?
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong!
No, we accept all
races, colors, and creeds,
and when I say restricted,
I mean we only try
to keep out the riff-raff.
Ah. Tell me, how many
black members do you have?
Oh, none.
So far, all that have asked
to join have been riff-raff.
That's the luck of the draw!
Oh, that is the point, Art.
If you gentlemen will excuse
me, I have work in the kitchen.
Oh, wait a minute! Maudie!
We want you and Walter to see
these pictures of Wendell's club.
Get a load of this.
That is the first tee!
Wendell, I am sorry.
I misjudged you!
Why, this isn't a
restricted club after all!
What do you mean?
You see? There are
three riff-raffs there
mowing the fairway.
Maude, you're pulling my leg!
Here we go, Walt!
Now, there's our
tennis court. Huh? Huh?
And ah, that's the
snack bar, right?
Oh. And this is kinda special,
the Calvin Coolidge
memorial Jacuzzi.
Very impressive.
Oh, no, no, you keep it.
That one's for you, boy!
And Walter, you should
see Wendell's boat!
It's a North Sea
trawler! It is enormous!
Wendell, you have your
own ocean-going fishing boat?
Well, it belongs to
me and the bank.
Of course, I own the bank!
Wendell's taking me
out fishing this Saturday.
Oh, my, that sounds great!
Say, Walt!
You sound like you've never
even seen a North Sea trawler.
I haven't.
Well, that's not right!
Say, Art, don't you
think it's about time
Walt here saw a
North Sea trawler?
I most certainly do!
Listen, Walt, I'm
picking Art up at about
10:00 next Saturday morning.
Next Saturday morning...
I'm free Saturday!
Well, why don't the two of us
drive on over here around 10:05?
Great, terrific!
Good! Let's make it happen, huh?
- Come on, Artie, let's go.
- Okay.
- See you, Wally!
- See you, Wally!
Goodbye, Artie! Goodbye, Wendie!
That's Wendell.
Oh, thank heaven
you got rid of him.
Maude, I think Wendell
and I are gonna be friends.
He's taking me out on his boat.
Walter, how can you
possibly be friends with a man
who's insensitive, prejudiced,
pompous and boring?!
You gotta take the
good with the bad.
Okay, Arthur, I'll tell him.
Honey, Arthur just called.
He and Wendell
are on the way over.
Maude! Get a load of this!
What do you think, Maude?
I think you look
like a big banana.
Don't laugh, Maude!
Out there on the high seas,
it's important to have
the right equipment.
Now I understand.
You trick the fish into thinking
you're a school crossing guard.
Ah, after all, Maude,
fish do travel in schools!
Hey, do you think
Wendell will like that joke?
I'm sure he'll adore it.
See, that's your
problem. Listen, honey,
I made you a little snack.
I do think you should eat
something before you leave.
- Ship ahoy!
- Hi, guys!
Hey, Walt!
How's the suds business?
Uh... uh...
Bubbling along.
Bubbling along!
Well, Walter,
are you ready for that
look at a North Sea trawler?
I can hardly wait!
Good, 'cause here it is!
Isn't that a beauty, Maude?
Uh. I don't understand.
What is this?
It's my boat, Walt.
I promised to show
it to you this morning,
and I'm a man of my word.
I just got these
photos back last night,
and that copy is just for you!
You can keep it!
Suitable for framing.
Isn't he some kind of
guy? Generous to a fault!
Walt, what's with the outfit?
Did you hear a weather
report we ought to know about?
Oh, uh, of course not.
He was getting ready to go
to a save the porpoise rally.
Well, I'm all for saving
porpoises, up to a point.
Well, we better get going, Art.
Those fish aren't going to wait for us!
Sure thing. Walter, I'll
bring you back some fish.
And hey, we'll have
lunch sometime, right?
Honey, I'm sorry.
I don't guess you'll be
interested in the
snack I made you,
tuna salad.
Well, there's no sense
in wasting this outfit.
I think I'll go upstairs
and take a shower.
Oh, honey, what a crushing blow.
I mean,
your best friend for 33 years,
doing this to you.
Oh, honey, I want you to
know that I share your pain.
I want you to just feel
free to let all the hurt out,
because I'm right
here beside you.
And Walter, I thi... Walter?
Walter? Yo! Walter!
Walter, what are
you doing there?
I was gonna watch "Mr.
Rogers' Neighborhood."
Mr. Rogers'...
You mean that show on public TV
with a man in a sweater
who puts on his
tennis shoes and sings
♪ It's a beautiful day
in the neighborhood. ♪
Walter, that's a
children's show.
I know.
Oh. Honey, I understand.
Mr. Rogers is a very
gentle, comforting person.
He looks you straight
in the eye and says
"I like you just
the way you are."
You need something
like that right now.
That's not why I want watch it.
He's got this young chick
on his show, Lady Aberlin.
Walter, it's indecent to watch
"Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood"
just to look at girls!
Maude, she happens
to be a very fine actress.
I bet she is not as good
as Farrah Fawcett-Majors.
Maude, this is a
kiddies' program.
They don't let her
show as much... uh...
- as much...
- As much what?
Emotion!
Or hair.
Walter, honey, don't you
realize what you're doing?
Walter, you're repressing
your hurt feelings.
Now, that isn't good for you!
It doesn't bother
me, Maude, not a bit!
Now, look I know how to
roll with the punches, Maude!
I'm an adult. I'm not a little
kid, now leave me alone!
I want to watch Mr. Rogers.
Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood,
usually seen at this time,
will not be seen today
because of the following
public television
special presentation.
The International Oil Companies,
Our Friendly Giants.
What do you mean
Mr. Rogers isn't on?!
It's gotta be on!
Walter, please, please, maybe
you can watch somebody else,
like Captain Kangaroo!
- Captain Kangaroo
is a jerk!
- Walter.
I want Mr. Rogers!
You've got to pull yourself
together! You're just falling apart.
Now listen, I want you to stand
up like a man and face the facts.
Mr. Rogers is not on today!
I want Mr. Rogers!
Walter, darling, you're
taking this all too seriously!
Ah, Mr. Rogers doesn't care!
- Nobody cares!
- I care!
But Arthur doesn't care!
Oh, my God.
Walter, what is it?
Do you know
what I just realized?
Arthur is the only
friend I've got.
I mean, I've got acquaintances,
guys to have a laugh
with, but friendship?
I'm losing the only friend
I got in the whole world.
Oh, Walter, you've got me.
You don't count.
A wife is different.
I mean, you're a friend,
but you're not a "friend,"
who will punch you in the
stomach just out of love for ya.
- You've never done that, Maude.
- I could practice, Walter.
You know, Arthur is the
only close friend I ever had.
I mean, ever since I was a
pudgy little kid in the army,
away from home
for the first time.
He was always there
when you needed him.
Oh, I'll say.
You know, when I
first went into the army,
I never got any
letters from home.
After a while, I started getting
a couple of letters a week
from Mom and Dad,
and Arthur was
responsible for that.
Aww, you mean he wrote
and told your folks to write?
Well, that's what I
thought, but after a while
I found out that he wrote
those letters himself!
And he signed "Mom and Dad."
How sweet!
But how did you find out?
Eventually I put two
and two together!
How?
He wrote them
on Army stationary!
That's love, Maude,
and I love Arthur and
he used to love me!
Oh, come on, now,
honey! He still loves you
and that's why you're
just going to wait this out,
Walter, because
you love Arthur, too.
You're going to be
patient and understanding
and just wait until Arthur
comes to his senses.
That might be good,
but what I had in mind
was writing all over his
windshield with a bar of soap.
Walter, Arthur is the only
close friend you ever had.
You just said so yourself!
He used to be the only
close friend I ever had!
Now I have a new close friend!
- Who?
- Hubie Binder!
Hubie Bin... The bird
man of Tuckahoe?
Hubie is a great guy, Maude,
and after a few golf
lessons, he'll be a great friend!
He's also a terrific
doctor, better than Arthur!
Do you know that, in 25
years of practicing medicine,
he's only lost one patient
on the operating table?
Walter, Hubie
Binder is a foot doctor.
It's still impressive.
I'm gonna call Hubie right now!
Oh, come on, Walter.
Please don't call Hubie.
Listen, Walter, Walter.
Tomorrow night, Viv and Arthur
are coming over here to play bridge.
Sweetheart, why
don't you talk it all out
with Arthur and
resolve the whole thing?
What time are they coming over?
- About eight.
- Hello, Hubie! Walter.
Say, I was wondering
whether you're free for bridge
tomorrow night around 8:00?
Ah, that's all right.
We can teach you.
- Hi, Maude!
- Hi, Viv.
Maude, whose convertible is
that parked out in your driveway?
Oh, that's Hubie Binder's.
There's a very unpleasant odor
coming from his glove compartment.
I know.
Uh, Walter asked him over
to play bridge with us tonight.
Oh, is Hubie a bridge player?
Some people say
he's a bridge player.
Some people say he's a hunter.
Listen, Walter, I want to
get this absolutely right.
You say that the partners
sit opposite each other?
Walter, maybe tonight we
should just let Hubie watch.
Don't worry about my pal,
Hubie, Maude. He'll do just fine.
- Hi, Viv!
- Hi, Walter!
- Hello, Dr. Binder.
- Hi, Mrs. Harmon! Where's Arthur?
Oh, he called and
said he'd be a little late.
Ah, who needs him? I got my
buddy Hubie. He's the best there is.
Hey, Walter. Which ones are the
spades and which ones are the clubs.
Try to work it out
yourself, Hubie.
Hello, everybody.
Oh, hi, you made it after all!
Oh, we can start the game!
By the way, Arthur,
Hubie's my partner.
You can watch.
Walter, can I talk to you?
Sure, go ahead!
No, I mean alone.
Arthur, anything you
have to say to me,
you can say in front
of my good pal, Hubie.
Ow.
Uh, Hubie.
Hubie, why don't you come
into the kitchen with me, huh?
And Vivian, you, too. You
can help me with the dip.
Maude! That's no
way to talk about Hubie!
Listen, Walter,
I need somebody to talk to.
Where were you tonight?
I was... held up.
Don't hand me that. I
know where you were.
You were out with
Wendell Glendale.
What if I was?
Wendell and I are
just acquaintances.
He doesn't mean a thing to me.
You expect me to believe that?
What about you
and Hubie Binder?!
You two have become very
chummy lately, haven't you?
Sure, but that's your
fault. You drove me to him.
What am I supposed to do?
Sit home and wait
for the phone to ring?
All right, Walter,
since you insist, I'll
tell you everything.
I am Wendell's doctor.
He's a very sick man.
That's why I've been
spending time with him.
He may only have a few months.
Oh, Arthur, is that true?
No.
You lied to me. You
never used to lie to me!
All right, what was I
supposed to tell you?
That Wendell has a radiology
company and that I only
went out with him so I can get
an x-ray machine wholesale?
There, I've said it.
You've been running
around with Wendell Glendale
just to get an x-ray
machine wholesale?
Arthur, there's a
word for men like you.
Don't do this to me, Walter!
I feel bad enough as it is.
I come to you for support.
What do I get?
I'll tell you what I get.
Criticism, that's what I get!
Arthur, what is it?
It's Wendell!
What happened?
Well, tonight seemed
like a good time
to ask him about
the x-ray machine.
So...
over cocktails...
I asked him where we stood.
He said, no, Walter.
No wholesale price,
no discount price!
That guy was
leading me on, Walter!
I feel so cheap!
I'm hurt, Arthur.
Do you wanna know why I'm hurt?
I'll tell you why I'm hurt.
I'm hurt because you turned to a
stranger instead of coming to me.
That really hurts.
Coming to you!?
I'm in the appliance business.
I got a lot of connections.
I could get you a discount
on an x-ray machine.
- You can?!
- Of course I can!
Oh, Walter. I've
been such a fool.
I'm sorry.
You know what
friendship means, Arthur?
I'll tell you what
friendship means.
Friendship means never
having to say you're sorry.
That's what friendship means.
Hey!
You're quite a guy, Walter.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, stop them!
They're fighting!
No, don't worry about it, Hubie.
That's the way friends behave.
Really? Walter's
never punched me.
He's come very close.
Now that that's
settled, let's play bridge.
Oh, I don't wanna
play bridge tonight.
Come on, Arthur,
let's go in the den.
We'll watch Charlie's Angels!
Great idea! Hey, that
Farrah Fawcett-Majors, huh?
I like police women.
Hubie, Hubie, you mean,
you don't know anything
at all about cards?
- No, not really.
- Aww, Hubie.
Hubie, don't worry.
We'll teach you.
Come on, sit down.
We're going to play a little
game called spit in the ocean.
10 cent round.
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Then add one
half-cup melted butter
and the yolks of two eggs.
Stir well and spread generously
across the breasts and legs.
What do you think, Maude?
Oh, it sounds fabulous.
A little kinky, but fabulous.
Here's another one. Goose...
Vivian, Vivian, if
it's all right with you,
I really don't want
to hear any more
recipes from the
"Joy of Chicken."
What's the matter
with you today, Maude?
Oh, Vivian, I'm
worried about Walter.
Why?
I think he and Arthur
have had a falling out.
Oh, I don't think so.
Aren't they playing
golf together?
No! Walter is playing
with Hubie Binder!
The foot doctor?
The one who does
Elizabeth Taylor's toes?
She owes him a lot.
He stayed with her through
10 toes and six husbands.
Well, if Walter's playing
with Hubie Binder,
then Arthur must be
playing with somebody else.
That's exactly my point, Vivian.
It has been two weeks
now since Arthur and Walter
have done any of their
dumb buddy stuff together!
They haven't gone bowling,
they haven't been fishing,
they haven't even watched
"Charlie's Angels" together!
You know how they rave about
Farrah Fawcett-Major's
acting ability.
Ooh, I love her!
Hi, hun! Hello, there, Hubie!
Hi, Mrs. Findlay!
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Harmon!
- Dr. Binder.
Tell me, how was the game?
Oh, great, thanks
to Walter's tips,
I shot my lowest score ever.
Yeah, 168.
First time, I shot
in the 200 mark.
You also got a birdie!
A birdie! Oh!
Well, that's good, isn't it?
He was looking for a
lost ball in the woods
and he stepped on a sparrow.
I think it's gonna be all right.
I'm taking it to the vet.
I have it outside in
my glove compartment.
Well, I better go
on home, Maude.
Hey, the "Joy of Chicken!"
Is that any good?
It was pretty good.
It doesn't have
everything you'd want.
Yeah, there aren't
any sparrow recipes.
- Bye, Maude.
- I'll see you later, Viv.
Say, Walter, I'm awful
sorry about that sparrow.
Yeah, and about the Ovaltine
you spilled on me at the clubhouse.
Time!
I'm really sorry!
Why are you so
upset? It's only a game.
Listen, have you guys eaten?
I'm gonna fix some lunch.
- Oh, great, I'm starving!
- Then go eat out!
- Walter, stop being so rude.
- I'm not being rude.
It's more important for you to
get to the vet to save the sparrow.
- Right. Thanks!
- So get out!
Walter, there is absolutely
no excuse for being
rude to Hubie just because
you had a fight with Arthur.
How could I have
a fight with Arthur?
I haven't even seen
him in two weeks.
He's too busy running
around with Wendell Glendale.
Wendell Gwen...
that pompous bore?
Yeah, Arthur's been out
with him every night this week.
I'll bet he's playing
golf with him right now.
All Arthur can think of lately
is Wendell, Wendell, Wendell!
What the hell does
he see in that guy?
Oh, come on now, honey, don't
you think you're overreacting?
Why shouldn't I overreact?
Arthur and I have been
best friends for 33 years.
All of the sudden, it's over!
How could he dump
me for a guy like that?
Well, honey, be
thankful for one thing.
What?
At least there aren't
any children involved.
That's probably Hubie.
I'll bet he's lost the sparrow.
Fore!
- Hi, Maudie!
- Hello, Arthur.
You know my good friend
Wendell Glendale, don't you?
- Of course. Hello, Wendell.
- Hello, Maude.
Walter, look who's here!
Arthur Harmon and his good
friend, Wendell Glendale!
- Hello, Arthur. Hello, Wendell.
- Hello, Walt!
- How's the suds business?
- What? What?
That's what I call appliances,
Art. Suds business.
You know, washers, dryers, suds.
Isn't this some
kind of a guy? Huh?
You see, Walt, when I ask
"How's the suds business?"
You should say,
"Bubbling along."
It's bubbling along.
No, not now, the
next time I ask.
Walter, I'll go write
that down for you.
It's Okay, Maude. I got it.
Sit down, Wendell! Sit down!
Hey, Walter, we just stopped
by to return your favorite putter.
Thanks!
Wendell says he
thinks it isn't right for me.
Boy, I don't think I've seen you
since I borrowed
that thing, Walter.
Must be two weeks!
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
I've been very busy.
For instance, I was out
today with Hubie Binder.
Really? Hubie a golfer?
Some people say he's a golfer.
Some people say he's a hunter.
Where did you guys play
today? I didn't see you at the club.
Oh, no, no, we played at
Wendell's club. It is fabulous.
I thought Arthur
would prefer it.
You meet a better class
of people than at your club.
That's right!
You see, it's restricted.
Restricted?
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong!
No, we accept all
races, colors, and creeds,
and when I say restricted,
I mean we only try
to keep out the riff-raff.
Ah. Tell me, how many
black members do you have?
Oh, none.
So far, all that have asked
to join have been riff-raff.
That's the luck of the draw!
Oh, that is the point, Art.
If you gentlemen will excuse
me, I have work in the kitchen.
Oh, wait a minute! Maudie!
We want you and Walter to see
these pictures of Wendell's club.
Get a load of this.
That is the first tee!
Wendell, I am sorry.
I misjudged you!
Why, this isn't a
restricted club after all!
What do you mean?
You see? There are
three riff-raffs there
mowing the fairway.
Maude, you're pulling my leg!
Here we go, Walt!
Now, there's our
tennis court. Huh? Huh?
And ah, that's the
snack bar, right?
Oh. And this is kinda special,
the Calvin Coolidge
memorial Jacuzzi.
Very impressive.
Oh, no, no, you keep it.
That one's for you, boy!
And Walter, you should
see Wendell's boat!
It's a North Sea
trawler! It is enormous!
Wendell, you have your
own ocean-going fishing boat?
Well, it belongs to
me and the bank.
Of course, I own the bank!
Wendell's taking me
out fishing this Saturday.
Oh, my, that sounds great!
Say, Walt!
You sound like you've never
even seen a North Sea trawler.
I haven't.
Well, that's not right!
Say, Art, don't you
think it's about time
Walt here saw a
North Sea trawler?
I most certainly do!
Listen, Walt, I'm
picking Art up at about
10:00 next Saturday morning.
Next Saturday morning...
I'm free Saturday!
Well, why don't the two of us
drive on over here around 10:05?
Great, terrific!
Good! Let's make it happen, huh?
- Come on, Artie, let's go.
- Okay.
- See you, Wally!
- See you, Wally!
Goodbye, Artie! Goodbye, Wendie!
That's Wendell.
Oh, thank heaven
you got rid of him.
Maude, I think Wendell
and I are gonna be friends.
He's taking me out on his boat.
Walter, how can you
possibly be friends with a man
who's insensitive, prejudiced,
pompous and boring?!
You gotta take the
good with the bad.
Okay, Arthur, I'll tell him.
Honey, Arthur just called.
He and Wendell
are on the way over.
Maude! Get a load of this!
What do you think, Maude?
I think you look
like a big banana.
Don't laugh, Maude!
Out there on the high seas,
it's important to have
the right equipment.
Now I understand.
You trick the fish into thinking
you're a school crossing guard.
Ah, after all, Maude,
fish do travel in schools!
Hey, do you think
Wendell will like that joke?
I'm sure he'll adore it.
See, that's your
problem. Listen, honey,
I made you a little snack.
I do think you should eat
something before you leave.
- Ship ahoy!
- Hi, guys!
Hey, Walt!
How's the suds business?
Uh... uh...
Bubbling along.
Bubbling along!
Well, Walter,
are you ready for that
look at a North Sea trawler?
I can hardly wait!
Good, 'cause here it is!
Isn't that a beauty, Maude?
Uh. I don't understand.
What is this?
It's my boat, Walt.
I promised to show
it to you this morning,
and I'm a man of my word.
I just got these
photos back last night,
and that copy is just for you!
You can keep it!
Suitable for framing.
Isn't he some kind of
guy? Generous to a fault!
Walt, what's with the outfit?
Did you hear a weather
report we ought to know about?
Oh, uh, of course not.
He was getting ready to go
to a save the porpoise rally.
Well, I'm all for saving
porpoises, up to a point.
Well, we better get going, Art.
Those fish aren't going to wait for us!
Sure thing. Walter, I'll
bring you back some fish.
And hey, we'll have
lunch sometime, right?
Honey, I'm sorry.
I don't guess you'll be
interested in the
snack I made you,
tuna salad.
Well, there's no sense
in wasting this outfit.
I think I'll go upstairs
and take a shower.
Oh, honey, what a crushing blow.
I mean,
your best friend for 33 years,
doing this to you.
Oh, honey, I want you to
know that I share your pain.
I want you to just feel
free to let all the hurt out,
because I'm right
here beside you.
And Walter, I thi... Walter?
Walter? Yo! Walter!
Walter, what are
you doing there?
I was gonna watch "Mr.
Rogers' Neighborhood."
Mr. Rogers'...
You mean that show on public TV
with a man in a sweater
who puts on his
tennis shoes and sings
♪ It's a beautiful day
in the neighborhood. ♪
Walter, that's a
children's show.
I know.
Oh. Honey, I understand.
Mr. Rogers is a very
gentle, comforting person.
He looks you straight
in the eye and says
"I like you just
the way you are."
You need something
like that right now.
That's not why I want watch it.
He's got this young chick
on his show, Lady Aberlin.
Walter, it's indecent to watch
"Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood"
just to look at girls!
Maude, she happens
to be a very fine actress.
I bet she is not as good
as Farrah Fawcett-Majors.
Maude, this is a
kiddies' program.
They don't let her
show as much... uh...
- as much...
- As much what?
Emotion!
Or hair.
Walter, honey, don't you
realize what you're doing?
Walter, you're repressing
your hurt feelings.
Now, that isn't good for you!
It doesn't bother
me, Maude, not a bit!
Now, look I know how to
roll with the punches, Maude!
I'm an adult. I'm not a little
kid, now leave me alone!
I want to watch Mr. Rogers.
Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood,
usually seen at this time,
will not be seen today
because of the following
public television
special presentation.
The International Oil Companies,
Our Friendly Giants.
What do you mean
Mr. Rogers isn't on?!
It's gotta be on!
Walter, please, please, maybe
you can watch somebody else,
like Captain Kangaroo!
- Captain Kangaroo
is a jerk!
- Walter.
I want Mr. Rogers!
You've got to pull yourself
together! You're just falling apart.
Now listen, I want you to stand
up like a man and face the facts.
Mr. Rogers is not on today!
I want Mr. Rogers!
Walter, darling, you're
taking this all too seriously!
Ah, Mr. Rogers doesn't care!
- Nobody cares!
- I care!
But Arthur doesn't care!
Oh, my God.
Walter, what is it?
Do you know
what I just realized?
Arthur is the only
friend I've got.
I mean, I've got acquaintances,
guys to have a laugh
with, but friendship?
I'm losing the only friend
I got in the whole world.
Oh, Walter, you've got me.
You don't count.
A wife is different.
I mean, you're a friend,
but you're not a "friend,"
who will punch you in the
stomach just out of love for ya.
- You've never done that, Maude.
- I could practice, Walter.
You know, Arthur is the
only close friend I ever had.
I mean, ever since I was a
pudgy little kid in the army,
away from home
for the first time.
He was always there
when you needed him.
Oh, I'll say.
You know, when I
first went into the army,
I never got any
letters from home.
After a while, I started getting
a couple of letters a week
from Mom and Dad,
and Arthur was
responsible for that.
Aww, you mean he wrote
and told your folks to write?
Well, that's what I
thought, but after a while
I found out that he wrote
those letters himself!
And he signed "Mom and Dad."
How sweet!
But how did you find out?
Eventually I put two
and two together!
How?
He wrote them
on Army stationary!
That's love, Maude,
and I love Arthur and
he used to love me!
Oh, come on, now,
honey! He still loves you
and that's why you're
just going to wait this out,
Walter, because
you love Arthur, too.
You're going to be
patient and understanding
and just wait until Arthur
comes to his senses.
That might be good,
but what I had in mind
was writing all over his
windshield with a bar of soap.
Walter, Arthur is the only
close friend you ever had.
You just said so yourself!
He used to be the only
close friend I ever had!
Now I have a new close friend!
- Who?
- Hubie Binder!
Hubie Bin... The bird
man of Tuckahoe?
Hubie is a great guy, Maude,
and after a few golf
lessons, he'll be a great friend!
He's also a terrific
doctor, better than Arthur!
Do you know that, in 25
years of practicing medicine,
he's only lost one patient
on the operating table?
Walter, Hubie
Binder is a foot doctor.
It's still impressive.
I'm gonna call Hubie right now!
Oh, come on, Walter.
Please don't call Hubie.
Listen, Walter, Walter.
Tomorrow night, Viv and Arthur
are coming over here to play bridge.
Sweetheart, why
don't you talk it all out
with Arthur and
resolve the whole thing?
What time are they coming over?
- About eight.
- Hello, Hubie! Walter.
Say, I was wondering
whether you're free for bridge
tomorrow night around 8:00?
Ah, that's all right.
We can teach you.
- Hi, Maude!
- Hi, Viv.
Maude, whose convertible is
that parked out in your driveway?
Oh, that's Hubie Binder's.
There's a very unpleasant odor
coming from his glove compartment.
I know.
Uh, Walter asked him over
to play bridge with us tonight.
Oh, is Hubie a bridge player?
Some people say
he's a bridge player.
Some people say he's a hunter.
Listen, Walter, I want to
get this absolutely right.
You say that the partners
sit opposite each other?
Walter, maybe tonight we
should just let Hubie watch.
Don't worry about my pal,
Hubie, Maude. He'll do just fine.
- Hi, Viv!
- Hi, Walter!
- Hello, Dr. Binder.
- Hi, Mrs. Harmon! Where's Arthur?
Oh, he called and
said he'd be a little late.
Ah, who needs him? I got my
buddy Hubie. He's the best there is.
Hey, Walter. Which ones are the
spades and which ones are the clubs.
Try to work it out
yourself, Hubie.
Hello, everybody.
Oh, hi, you made it after all!
Oh, we can start the game!
By the way, Arthur,
Hubie's my partner.
You can watch.
Walter, can I talk to you?
Sure, go ahead!
No, I mean alone.
Arthur, anything you
have to say to me,
you can say in front
of my good pal, Hubie.
Ow.
Uh, Hubie.
Hubie, why don't you come
into the kitchen with me, huh?
And Vivian, you, too. You
can help me with the dip.
Maude! That's no
way to talk about Hubie!
Listen, Walter,
I need somebody to talk to.
Where were you tonight?
I was... held up.
Don't hand me that. I
know where you were.
You were out with
Wendell Glendale.
What if I was?
Wendell and I are
just acquaintances.
He doesn't mean a thing to me.
You expect me to believe that?
What about you
and Hubie Binder?!
You two have become very
chummy lately, haven't you?
Sure, but that's your
fault. You drove me to him.
What am I supposed to do?
Sit home and wait
for the phone to ring?
All right, Walter,
since you insist, I'll
tell you everything.
I am Wendell's doctor.
He's a very sick man.
That's why I've been
spending time with him.
He may only have a few months.
Oh, Arthur, is that true?
No.
You lied to me. You
never used to lie to me!
All right, what was I
supposed to tell you?
That Wendell has a radiology
company and that I only
went out with him so I can get
an x-ray machine wholesale?
There, I've said it.
You've been running
around with Wendell Glendale
just to get an x-ray
machine wholesale?
Arthur, there's a
word for men like you.
Don't do this to me, Walter!
I feel bad enough as it is.
I come to you for support.
What do I get?
I'll tell you what I get.
Criticism, that's what I get!
Arthur, what is it?
It's Wendell!
What happened?
Well, tonight seemed
like a good time
to ask him about
the x-ray machine.
So...
over cocktails...
I asked him where we stood.
He said, no, Walter.
No wholesale price,
no discount price!
That guy was
leading me on, Walter!
I feel so cheap!
I'm hurt, Arthur.
Do you wanna know why I'm hurt?
I'll tell you why I'm hurt.
I'm hurt because you turned to a
stranger instead of coming to me.
That really hurts.
Coming to you!?
I'm in the appliance business.
I got a lot of connections.
I could get you a discount
on an x-ray machine.
- You can?!
- Of course I can!
Oh, Walter. I've
been such a fool.
I'm sorry.
You know what
friendship means, Arthur?
I'll tell you what
friendship means.
Friendship means never
having to say you're sorry.
That's what friendship means.
Hey!
You're quite a guy, Walter.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, stop them!
They're fighting!
No, don't worry about it, Hubie.
That's the way friends behave.
Really? Walter's
never punched me.
He's come very close.
Now that that's
settled, let's play bridge.
Oh, I don't wanna
play bridge tonight.
Come on, Arthur,
let's go in the den.
We'll watch Charlie's Angels!
Great idea! Hey, that
Farrah Fawcett-Majors, huh?
I like police women.
Hubie, Hubie, you mean,
you don't know anything
at all about cards?
- No, not really.
- Aww, Hubie.
Hubie, don't worry.
We'll teach you.
Come on, sit down.
We're going to play a little
game called spit in the ocean.
10 cent round.
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪