Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 23 - The Household Feud - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Ah, Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm
glad you got the vacuum out.

This rug could certainly
stand a good cleaning.

Oh, it certainly could.

But don't worry, when I
finish with my apartment,

- I'll let you use it.
- Thank you.



Wait a minute, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Do you realize that today
is your third anniversary

- as our housekeeper?
- Oh, yes, ma'am!

And, because it
is your anniversary,

I think you should
take the evening off.

Oh, you mean, I don't
have to work tonight?

That's right because Walter and I
are taking you and Bert out to dinner.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

We can't make it.
I've made other plans.

How could you have
made other plans?

I just this moment
gave you the evening off.

You see? It
worked out perfectly!

I made plans and you
gave me the night off!

They say life's complicated!

Well, if you've
made other plans...

Wait a moment! You are up
to something, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Yes, you are. You want
to vacuum your apartment.

You don't want
to go out to dinner.

I bet you are planning
something very special for all of us

- in your apartment tonight.
- No, ma'am!

Come on, now. Mrs.
Naugatuck, you have a secret!

You know how I know?

There's a little
something in your eye.

That's dust.

This carpet certainly
could use a good cleaning.

(phone rings)

Hello? Who?

Davy Jones' Liquor Locker?

A keg of beer? No, nobody
here ordered a keg of beer.

Oh, I did!

Hello, Davy!

Yes, that's right! A big keg!

Yes, and I want a mix case
of Scotch, vodka and bourbon,

about five bags of ice,

a couple of cans of mixed nuts,

potato chips, pretzels

and a pound of peanut brittle.

Oh, and a tube of Poligrip.

Yes, that's right, dear! The
apartment above the garage.

Yes. Thank you, Davy!

And, as my Irish
husband always says,

may the wind be at your back!

Well, how should I
know what that means?

I'm English! (laughs)

So that's it. You
are giving a party.

A party?! Whatever
gave you that idea?

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

You are surprising
us all with a party.

Mrs. Findlay, why
must you be so nosy?

Mrs. Naugatuck, please
don't call me nosy!

- You know I don't like that.
- Oh, you are spoiling
everything!

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have guessed.

You wanted to tell me yourself.

I'll tell you what we'll do.
Forget everything we just said.

You tell me about the
party and I'll be surprised.

Mrs. Findlay, I'm not a child.

Oh, please, please, I really
mean it. I will be surprised.

You'll see. Go ahead. Tell me
you're having a party tonight.

I'm having a party tonight!

A party?!

Tonight, well that's wonderful!

Oh! I am so surprised!

Wait! You haven't
heard the real surprise!

- What's that?
- You're not invited!

- Hi, sweetie!
- Hello, Walter.

What's the matter, Maude?

It's Mrs. Naugatuck.
She's having a party.

That's great! Are we invited?

No. And you know, for
some reason or another,

she's being so
secretive about it.

Do you know she
actually called me nosy?

Mrs. Naugatuck called you nosy?

- That's right.
- Let me tell you
something, Maude.

- What?
- You got off cheap.

Honey, sit down. Sit down.

Sweetheart, do you remember
that very famous story

about wise King Solomon?

You know, the one where the two
women came to him with an infant

and each claimed
to be child's mother?

You know, so King Solomon said,

"Cut the baby in
half and divide it."

Well, one of the women
said she thought it was fair,

but the other one
said, "No, no."

She said, "I'll give up
the baby to save its life."

That what when wise King Solomon

knew who the infant's
real mother was.

Well, of course I
remember that story,

but what's it got to do
with my calling you nosy?

Nothing, but the urge to
cut you in half has passed.

I was just kidding,
Maude. You're not nosy.

- Thank you.
- Hey, look!

A letter for Bert from
his brother in Ireland!

Oh, I'll take it up to him.

Gee, I wonder who's
coming to that party.

- I have no idea.
- Aren't you curious?

Of course I am, a little,

but Mrs. Naugatuck has
already accused me of prying,

so I'm just staying out of it.

- Good.
- I do know one thing, though.

They ordered over
$100 worth of liquor.

Over $100 worth!?

Do you think her budget
can take the strain?

Never mind her budget.
I worry about her liver.

Well, thanks so much for helping
out, Carol. I really appreciate it.

Oh, I don't mind, Bert.

Somehow hanging crepe
paper always reminds me

of my very first date.

I know what you mean. I've
dated a few crepe hangers myself.

(Maude) Knock knock!

Oh, Mrs. Findlay! Come in!

Nell's not here.

That's all right, Bert. I just
came up to give you this letter.

Oh, thank you! That's
from my brother in Ireland.

Well, I'll read it on the
way to the liquor store.

Nell forgot to
order the beef jerky.

- The Harmons
have been invited.
- What makes you think that?

Well, didn't you hear Bert
say they're serving beef jerky?

I mean, Arthur and Viv are the only
friends they have who have their own teeth!

- Carol, why are you here?
- I'm just helping out.

Well, I'll tell you, it's none of my
business. I'm going back to the house.

Will you look at
all this food? Carol,

this must be costing
them a fortune!

I know! I think they
spent too much money.

You know, Carol, Walter
and I were going to take

Mrs. Naugatuck and
Bert out to dinner tonight,

and since we can't do it, I
would like to make a little gesture.

I don't want a word out
of you to them about it.

Will you look at this? The number I
want is right here on the telephone.

Right under emergency.

Police, Fire,

Davy Jones' Liquor Locker.

Hello? Davy!

Yeah, Mrs. Findlay.

Yes. Davy, do you remember
that rather large order

that Mrs. Naugatuck
placed just a little while ago?

Yeah. I'd like you to
put it on my charge.

It's already on my charge.

Thank you, Davy.

Well, I don't think we have
to worry about their budget.

Oh, Mother, I'm sure they're just using
your charge and they'll pay you back!

I suppose so. Anyway,
I better get out of here

before Mrs. Naugatuck
accuses me of snooping...

Carol.

Carol, do you know what that is?

That is Mrs. Naugatuck's
most prized possession.

That is the urn with the ashes
of her late husband, Cyril.

I better put it in a
safe place before...

Oh, my God!

Oh, Mother, look what you've
done! Cyril's all over the floor!

Don't just stand there! Get a broom!
Get a dustpan! Sweep him together!

- Where's the broom?
- In the broom closet!

Where's the broom closet?

Don't be stupid! There's
no broom closet up here.

(Mrs. Naugatuck)
Put the bicycle away.

I'm expecting a delivery!

Oh, my God. She's here!

Mrs. Findlay.

What are you doing?

I mean, it's one thing
not to clean my apartment.

It's quite a different thing
not to clean your own.

Particularly when
you're having a party.

Well, I do think that
looks so much better.

You know, they say
cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Come along, Carol. Oh, Carol,
don't forget the wastebasket.

Have a wonderful
evening, Mrs. Naugatuck!

What we need is something
to hold these pieces together!

Uh, uh...

I think Arthur has
some airplane glue!

Why would Arthur
have airplane glue?

He's a doctor!

Of course!

I'll hurry.

Sorry, Cyril.

Mrs. Findlay!

Have you seen Cyril?

Cyril who?

My Cyril!

After you left the apartment,

I looked around for
him and he'd gone!

Oh. Did the two
of you have a fight?

Wait a minute!

This is a piece of Cyril's urn!

You broke Cyril's urn!

Mrs. Naugatuck, it
was an accident! I

promise you, I'll glue
the urn back together!

It'll be as good as new!

What about Cyril?! What
have you done with him!

He's... he's fine. He's
resting comfortably.

Is that Cyril?!

This is Hoover, see?

It's Cyril!

His worst fear

was being sucked up
by a vacuum cleaner.

Please, Mrs. Naugatuck!

Oh, you put my Cyril in here

with all the dust and
dirt from your garbage!

Don't be silly! You just changed
the bag yourself. Believe me.

Cyril is all alone in there.

Oh, I promised
him on his deathbed

that I'd never let
him leave that urn.

Oh, look, Mrs. Naugatuck, I
promise, I'll glue the urn back together,

but until then, look,

how about putting Cyril
in this nice pickle jar?

I mean, it's very roomy
and you can see him

and he can see you!

I wouldn't put my
Cyril in that pickle jar.

Getting pickled
is what killed him!

How about a coffee can?

When I came into my apartment,

why didn't you tell
me what you'd done?

Mrs. Naugatuck, I
didn't want to upset you,

particularly after we had that
argument and you called me nosy.

You have no right to go
messing about in my apartment!

I was not messing about!

Well, what do you call
this? Recycling Cyril?!

Well, that's the thanks I
get for trying to be helpful!

I only wanted to move the
urn so your drunken friends

wouldn't knock it over.

Don't you call my
friends drunken.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but they still
could have knocked it over accidentally.

At least my friends are drunken.
What excuse have you got?!

What do you want
me to say? I'm clumsy.

- Yes!
- I'm clumsy.

- And careless.
- And careless.

And tall!

Mrs. Naugatuck, aren't
you getting a little personal?

You're a huge woman!

You're the hugest
woman I've ever seen!

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck, I promised

I would glue that urn
back together or replace it.

Now I have really had it with
this childish temper tantrum.

Now look, look, here, here,
here's an oatmeal crock.

It has been in my
family for generations!

Empty it and put Cyril inside here and I
don't want to hear another damn word.

There's your crock!

You did that deliberately.

Remember, that's just
oatmeal on the floor.

How would you feel if
that was Mr. Findlay?

Mrs. Naugatuck, I demand
that you apologize immediately.

Apologize, my ashes!

Mrs. Naugatuck, you're fired!

- I quit!
- Good!

Today is your third anniversary
and that's a perfect gift for me,

- having you leave!
- Come on, Cyril.

She's seen the last
of us around here.

And I'll leave you with
the old Irish blessing.

May the road come
up to meet your face!

Maude, Carol said you wanted
to borrow the glue to fix Cyril's urn.

Oh, my gosh, look a
Cyril! He's white as a ghost!

Vivian, this is oatmeal.

Eww!

You mean when people are
cremated, they turn into oatmeal?!

Vivian, I don't need this.

Maude? What's wrong?

- Oh.
- Maude, you don't look well.

Of course I don't look well. I
haven't been this upset in years!

- Why, what's the matter?
- It's Mrs. Naugatuck.

Vivian, you cannot believe
the things she called me!

What? What? What? What? What?

To begin with,
she called me nosy.

She called you nosy?

Oh, my gosh. That's
so thoughtless!

That's like going up to a dwarf
and saying, "You're a dwarf."

He knows he's a dwarf.
You don't have to tell him.

And what if he's a nosy dwarf?

Certainly, never tell him that!

I mean, you might
tell him he's nosy,

or you might tell him he's a
dwarf, but you would never,

never tell him
he's a nosy dwarf!

So count your blessings, Maude.
You're nosy but you're not a dwarf!

- Kill!
- (screams)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
Viv, I lost my head.

It's just that it's been
such a trying day.

And it's all because
of that damn party.

- What party?
- Come on, now, Vivian.

I know that Mrs. Naugatuck
and Bert are having a party

and you and Arthur are invited.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

- Have it your own way.
- I swear, I don't know
anything about any party!

Well, anyway, if it
hadn't been for the party,

I wouldn't have broken the urn

and then I had words
with Mrs. Naugatuck and...

I fired her.

You fired Mrs. Naugatuck?

I never want to see her again.

I hope that doesn't mean
she's going to call off the party.

I'm bringing the potato salad!

What party?

Viv.

Honey, do you remember that

famous story about
wise King Solomon?

Never mind, never mind.

Just take all that stuff
up to the apartment, Davy.

Thank you.

Oh, Mrs. Harmon.

Hi, Bert.

Mrs. Findlay, where's Nell?

Bert, I might as well tell you.

Mrs. Naugatuck and I
had words and I fired her.

Oh, my.

Well, maybe it's all for the
best, under the circumstances.

I mean, after the news I got.

- What news?
- This letter from Ireland.

You see, all these years,
my kid brother Danny's

been looking after Mother.

But now, Danny boy has
reached the marrying age.

He'll be 57 next week.

So he wants to leave Ireland
for the land of opportunity.

- Oh, he's coming here.
- Oh, no. West Germany.

- I see.
- Anyway, somebody
has to take care of Mum.

After all, she's 96 years old

and she's starting
to slow up a bit.

I mean, Danny says it's
getting tougher every day

for Mum to ride
her bike to work.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Bert, you mean that
you and Mrs. Naugatuck

are going to move to Ireland?

That's right.

You see, I told Nell we'd
have to go some day,

and she agreed, but
now that the time's come,

I was worried about
breaking it to her.

I mean... oh, she loves you.

And she'd hate to leave.

But thank you, Mrs. Findlay,

you've made it so much
easier for me by kicking her out!

Very nice, see?
Everything worked out.

Don't you feel better now?

What, Maude? What's wrong?

Oh, Viv.

I'm never going to see
Mrs. Naugatuck again.

But you just said you never
wanted to see her again.

That was before I knew I was
never going to see her again.

Vivian, don't you
know anything?!

No.

I can't let her leave
this way. I love her.

Maude, wait a minute,
now, I'm confused.

It's better that way, Viv.

You're really serious, love?

I've had it, Bert.

This time I'm quitting for good.

Well, if that's what you want, Nell,
there's something I have to tell you.

You see, I got a letter
from my brother, and...

(Maude) Mrs.
Naugatuck. (knock at door)

- Mrs. Naugatuck.
- What do you want here?

- I came to make up.
- I'll go get some ice.

No, I'll get it!

You stay here and see
what this woman wants.

I'll be back in a minute.

I'm not interested in
making up with you.

I'm going into the bathroom.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I really
think, under the circumstances,

I really think we should make
up and I don't care what you say.

I'm going to stay
here until we do.

Mrs. Findlay, it's too late.

You've buttered your bread
and now you can lie on it.

Mrs. Naugatuck, that
doesn't make any sense at all.

That's your trouble. You're so flipping
tall, you don't understand plain English.

Mrs. Naugatuck, why
are you behaving like this?

Didn't Bert tell
you? You're leaving!

Of course I'm leaving!

I couldn't stand to stay here
another moment with you!

That's why I quit!

Well, technically
speaking, I fired you,

- but that doesn't...
- You did not! I quit!

But the point is
that you and Bert are

going to Ireland to
take care of his mother.

Well, that suits me fine!

You didn't know.

Bert got a letter from
his brother today.

You're really leaving me.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
I'm going to miss you.

Oh, ma'am, I don't
want to leave you.

We've had such a
wonderful friendship,

ever since the moment
I came into your house!

Do you remember that first day?

Oh, I'll never
forget that first day!

We became so close,
so quickly. It was...

like magic.

You're very opinionated!

You're the one
who's opinionated.

That's your opinion!

I'm entitled to my opinion!

I'm entitled to my opinion!

That's your opinion.

It's a good thing
you're bigger than I am.

It's a good thing
you're smaller!

Feisty old biddy!

Crusty old broad!

Look, why don't you just
come out and say you're sorry!

No! Why should I? Why don't you?

Because...

Crusty old broad.

Feisty old biddy!

(doorbell rings)

If you get the door,
I'll pack your things.

Including Cyril.

Welcome aboard, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Don't worry, ducks. I'll have her
eating out of my hand in no time.

I hope you made the
right decision, Mom.

Oh, don't worry, Carol. I'll have
her eating out of my hand in no time.

(doorbell rings)

- Feisty.
- Crusty.

Why did I think we had
such a wonderful relationship?

We did have a
wonderful relationship,

because we enjoyed
our battles so much.

That's true.

Together, we've
known the thrill of victory

and the agony of defeat.

True.

My thrill.

Your agony.

Hope we're not too early!

Oh, Maude!

You were invited to
the party, weren't you?!

What makes you think
I'm going to a party?

That's my surgical hat.

Who were you operating
on? Guy Lombardo?

Maude, guess what?!
This party is for you!

- Ta-da!
- Ta-da!

No, ma'am, look at the cake!

Three happy years,

Nell Naugatuck
and Maude Findlay.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck!

That's why I didn't want
to tell you about the party.

Oh, ma'am, you've
been so good to me.

I've always felt like
one of the family.

We're just like sisters!

Could you make that
mother and daughter?

Whatever you say, Mother!

You know, Mrs. Naugatuck,
I'm going to miss you.

But I think you're
going to be very happy.

I hear Ireland is a
beautiful, beautiful country.

Ireland, beautiful Ireland!

♪ If you ever go across
the sea to Ireland ♪

♪ Maybe at the
closin' of the day... ♪

Oh, shut up, Bert.

♪ You can sit and watch the
moon rise over Claddagh ♪

♪ And see the sun go
down on the way there. ♪

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪