Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 19 - Feminine Fulfillment - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, M aude. ♪

But, Vivian, you have
to come to dinner.

I mean, you accepted the
invitation three weeks ago.

Out with it, Vivian.

Now What have I done that's
making you behave this way?

You've been
avoiding me all week.



You won't even talk
to me on the phone

and now you say you're
not coming to dinner.

And Viv, I made our favorite.

Beef stroganoff.

Yeah.

Like I always do, Vivian,
because you love it.

Because you always ask for it.

What do you mean
you're sick of it?!

Listen, Vivian, your behavior...

Vivian, don't hang up! I...

Well, at least I don't have to
eat that damn beef stroganoff.

- Maude.
- Oh, Walter. Thank heaven you're home.

I have a terrible problem.
I have to talk to you.

Wait a minute, Maude. First, I
have a problem I have to talk to you.

- But mine is important.
- So is mine!

I've been thinking
about it all the way home.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

I'll tell you my problem,
you tell me yours,

then we'll vote and decide
whose is the most important,

and if you win, you
can tell me yours first.

That sounds fair. Go ahead.

It's Vivian.

Walter, she's been
avoiding me all week.

She won't even talk to me on
the phone and I don't know why.

Maude, that's terrible! And to think I
was going to bother you with my problem.

What is your problem?

Maude, with you and
Vivian on the outs?

Oh, Walter. Walter, now, the most
important thing to me is my husband.

I mean, if you have an important
problem, I want to hear it.

Well, It's just one
of those things that

builds up inside of you. It
keeps building, it keeps building

and if you don't let it out, you'll
explode, you know what I mean?

Of course, darling. What is it?

I don't want to have beef
stroganoff again tonight.

Here I am talking about
losing a friend of 30 years

and all you can think
about is beige meat.

All right, Maude, I'm sorry.

What happened
between you and Vivian?

I told you, Walter,
I don't know!

I don't know. I have been
racking my brain all week,

trying to think of how I
might have offended her.

You can't think of anything?

Certainly I can. I
offend Vivian all the time.

Why don't we go next
door right this minute

and bring this all out
in the open with Vivian.

Maude, she's your buddy!

The two of you ought to
be able to talk things out!

Well, it's worth a try, but
Walter, it's not going to be easy.

You know, when Vivian
has something on her mind,

sometimes she just
won't even talk about it.

I remember once when
we were in college,

we went to this place
called the Paradise Ballroom,

and they had marked the
restrooms Adam and Eve, you know?

Well, Vivian got sick to her stomach
while she was out on the dance floor,

but she didn't realize that
Eve meant the ladies' room.

- What happened?
- She threw up in a tuba.

(Maude) Well, here goes nothing.

It'll be all right,
Maude. You'll see.

(doorbell rings)

Just a minute, Arthur.

Hello, lover boy!

(screams)

(Maude) Was Vivian wearing
Saran Wrap under that coat?

(Walter) Yes, let's go, Maude.

Walter, she's been
behaving strangely all week.

Now she shows up at the door
wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

Maybe she's having an
affair with the man from Glad.

Listen, Walter, we may be
dealing with a very unstable woman.

I think we should
go in there and help.

Yeah, you're right.

Vivian?

(Maude) Vivian?

(Maude) Vivian,
darling, it's all right,

it's Walter and Maude.

Maude, don't come
down here, please!

But Vivian. Vivian,
we're your friends.

My God, she's drinking.

Maude,

Walter, I just feel so
embarrassed. I feel so ashamed.

Oh, Vivian.

So dirty, so icky,
so yucky, so yugh!

- Vivian...
- So creepy, so schlecky, so...

(retches)

- So grimy...
- Vivian!

Vivian, I want you
to tell me the truth.

Have you turned
into a closet drinker?

Oh, no! No,
Maude, no. It's just...

It's just that, it's just that you
rang the doorbell at exactly

5:05.

Oh, for the past week,

Arthur's been coming
home at exactly 5:05

and he rings the doorbell

and I answer it...

in different costumes.

We play little games.

You know.

Like...

the cowboy and the school ma'am.

Peter Pan and Wendy.

What game is Saran Wrap?

Leftovers.

You see, Arthur pretends
to be the man from Glad.

My God, I was right!

Ah, Vivian, come on, honey,
there's no need to be embarrassed.

If you and Arthur want to play these
little games, that's entirely up to you.

Oh, oh, thank you, Maude!

Do you know, I've been
avoiding you all week because

I didn't think you'd approve
of why I'm doing this.

Oh, Vivian, whether or not I approve
or disapprove is neither her or there.

I mean, it's none of my
business. Isn't that right, Walter?

Right, Maude, it's
none of your business.

You see?

Why are you doing this?

- You'll get mad at me.
- No, I won't.

- You'll hit me.
- So what?

Well, for some reason,

all the fun seemed to be
going out of our marriage.

We were just becoming a
couple of old fuddy duddies.

And then I heard about...

feminine fulfillment.

Oh, no. Oh no. Now,
Vivian, Vivian, you didn't join.

What's feminine fulfillment?
An equal rights group?

It's exactly the opposite. It's
like that group, Total Woman.

You know, that all the Miami
Dolphins wives belong to.

Feminine Fulfillment tells you
to be cute and frilly and perky

and pamper your husband
and just cater to his every whim.

Right!

Didn't they used to just
call that being married?

Well, look, that
explains everything!

The martini pitcher
waiting for him,

his pipe and slippers
next to his favorite chair.

- What's this, Viv?
- Oh, no, don't touch that!

Please, that's
Arthur's evening paper!

His evening
pa... It's all cut up!

Well, I know! I know, I cut out all
the articles Arthur will want to read

and then I stack them up
according to their importance.

You know what's on
top, Walter? Snoopy.

I mean, isn't this
absolutely ridiculous?

All right, what a neat idea.

(doorbell ringing)

I think I'll get the door.

I'm gonna tell you
something, Maude.

In the week that Arthur
and I have been doing this,

I have felt more
happiness and...

Oh, Walter shouldn't'
get the door, that's Arthur!

(Arthur) Hello, sexpot!

(Arthur) Walter! What
are you doing here?!

(Walter laughing)

I want you to know that...

These are the clothes I
wear down at the hospital.

It's okay, Arthur.

They know all about
Feminine Fulfillment, Arthur.

Oh! Fine.

Arthur, you never
mentioned it to me.

Oh, why should I? It's
personal, it's a private thing.

You see, Walter? Even Arthur knows
how demeaning Feminine Fulfillment is.

He was ashamed to tell you.

Oh, no, that's not it. I
just didn't want to make

old Walter jealous.

(laughs) The poor slob!

We knew you wouldn't
understand this, Maudie.

That's why we
kept it to ourselves.

Ahh! A little lower
to the left, cutlet.

Oh, right, sweetmeat.

Come on, Walter. Oh,
listen, you know, you two,

we invited you to
dinner tonight. All right?

You can't make it, but we really
would like you to come tomorrow night.

Oh, well, we'd love to, but I'm
sorry. We can't make it then, either.

But honeysuckle,

of course we can make it.

But beefcakes,

don't you remember tomorrow night is
when we play the mongoose and the cobra.

We're going to
accept the invitation.

We can't let Maude and
Walter down, veal chop.

Whatever you say, lamb loin.

Well, that's great. Then we'll
expect you tomorrow night at seven.

Come on, brisket face.

I mean, I'm just
heartsick for Vivian.

Imagine, a grown woman dressing
up in those ridiculous costumes.

I mean, pampering
her husband, just

making her whole life revolve
around making him happy.

I ask you, Walter, can you
think of anything more disgusting!

Yeah, lots of things.

Boy, I wish I was Arthur.

Nobody leaves this room.

Say that again,
Walter. I dare you.

Maude, all I meant was I can think
of a lot of things more disgusting

than what Arthur
and Vivian are doing.

Walter, Vivian is my
best friend for 30 years.

Now, what she is doing is
degrading and humiliating...

- (doorbell rings)
- And when I come back,
remind me where I was.

- Yes?
- Excuse me, ma'am,

but have you taken
unto yourself a savior?

Why, is there one missing?

Ma'am, our religion

wants people to be happy
because they're alive.

Now, we're asking
folks to wear this button.

- It's free.
- Hmm.

"Say thank you, if you're
glad God made you."

That's very sweet, thank you.

Of course,

if you'd care to make a
contribution, we'd appreciate it.

Well, I'll tell you, this is such
a happy, upbeat message,

that I'd like to give you a
donation. Let me write you a check.

- Ma'am. We'd prefer cash.
- Oh.

Ah, here's $5, but tell me,
why don't you take checks?

Oh, well, you see, we just
formed a religion this afternoon.

Haven't come up with a name yet.

You haven't come...

How about the Church
of the Good Losers?

Degrading, humiliating and a
disgrace to modern womanhood.

Maude.

Why don't you face the facts?

This Feminine Fulfillment
works for some people.

I knew it. I knew it.
You want us to do it.

No, I don't. I
know it's not for us.

I mean, I'd never expect
you to be feminine.

Walter Findlay, are you
saying that I am not feminine?

No, Maude, you're very feminine.

I just meant that you're not
feminine in an obvious, sexy way.

I'm not sexy?

No, Maude, I didn't mean
that. You're very sexy.

It's just that you're sexy in a
way that wouldn't turn anybody on.

Oh, my God.

You live with a man, you cook
his meals, you iron his shirts.

You even pretend to love
his dumb little mustache.

You think you know
him, but tonight I found out

I don't know that man.

Neither do I. What man
are you talking about?

You never iron my shirts.

Perfect. Perfect!

Two minutes with
Arthur and Vivian,

and now he expects
me to iron his shirts.

I don't expect anything!
I know that you never

pamper me or iron
my shirt or rub my feet.

That's right, I don't
do shirts or feet.

Of course not! You're
a big deal feminist.

I'm lucky if you pass the salt.

You see?! You would
like me to be like Vivian.

- Maude!
- Admit it, Walter.

You'd give your eye teeth
to be the man from Glad.

All right, I'll admit it.

I wanna be pampered. I
wanna be taken care of.

As a matter of
fact, every so often,

I would like my feet rubbed.
What do you think of that?

Walter, let me tell you a story.

Walter, one time,

my second husband, Chester,

went on a ski trip without
me. I was furious, Walter,

but then I got a call
that he had an accident

on the slopes.

When I got to the
hospital, he was in traction.

I mean, it was
terrible to see, Walter,

both legs in cast,
you know, to the ankle.

He called me over to
the bed and he whispered,

"Maude,

Maude, just rub my feet. It'll
make me feel so much better."

Yeah?

I didn't do it for him.
Why should I do it for you?

All right, Maude. Have it
your way! You always do!

But I'm going somewhere
where I can be pampered.

Somewhere where they love me!

Somewhere where
they understand me!

- Where?
- I don't know.

Maybe the bowling alley.

(doorbell rings)

- Good evening, Maudie!
- Hello, Arthur! Hi, Viv.

Oh, I'm just so glad
we could make it tonight.

So am I, and honey, I really
want to apologize for yesterday.

I promise, tonight, I will not
say anything nasty or derogatory.

How do you like the way I look?

Don't test me, Vivian.

(Walter) Arthur, old buddy!

Hey, how you doing, buddy!

Vivian, you look like dessert!

Maude, how's it going?

How's it going? What kind of a
way is that to greet your wife?!

Hey, come on, guy, we're
equal partners, remember?

Arthur, you want
to give me a hand?

I'm fixing up some fancy
drinks in the kitchen.

Oh, maybe I should
make the drinks.

No, no, pumpkin,
you're confused.

Men make the drinks in public.

Women only make drinks
when there's nobody else around.

Ugh, I've still got so much to
learn about being a woman.

Vivian, level with me.

- Are you happy?
- Am I happy?

How can you ask if I'm
happy? Of course I'm happy.

I'm happier than I've
ever been in my life.

(crying) I'm happy,
happy, ha... happy.

Well, as long as you're happy.

Maude, it's just terrible!

It's just work, work, work!

Making a different
gourmet dinner every night?!

And trying to dream up
all those dumb costumes.

I mean, what the heck
does a mongoose wear?

Vivian, why do you do it?

I'll tell you why.

When I first found out
about Feminine Fulfillment,

I read that book,
The Total Woman.

Well, in it, she says that

most men are on a 48-hour cycle.

They have the need for...

- You know.
- Ah!

- Every 48 hours.
- Did you know that? No, I had no idea.

Well, this Feminine
Fulfillment stuff,

I've got Arthur on
a 24-hour cycle.

And Maude?

- Yes?
- It's nice.

I just wish I could cut out all the
pampering and all that waiting on...

Here you go, Vivian! I made
you a brandy Alexander!

Oh, I adore brandy Alexander!

No, Maude, this is for
you. A shot and a beer!

Thanks, bub.

You know what I always say,
if a woman can't stand the heat,

she should stay in the kitchen.

That does it. That
does it! That does it!

If he wants
Feminine Fulfillment,

he is going to get
Feminine Fulfillment!

What are you going to do?

I'm going to give Walter
the surprise of his life.

Oh, boy, Arthur, you lucky duck!

Yeah, it's going
pretty well, Walter.

Every night when I get home,

Vivian has my pipe
and my slippers ready.

She has my martini all made.

She even rubs my feet!

Oh, you lucky duck. You
ever-lovin' lucky duck.

Oh, yeah.

Ever lovin'. Always
lovin'. Constantly lovin'.

Arthur, what's the matter?

Uh, it's nothing.

Arthur, this is me
you're talking to.

Well, doggone it, Walter, no system
of marriage is perfect, you know.

What do you mean?

Well,

gee, Vivian has
become very romantic.

You know?

So romantic that,

well, let's just say I never get to
watch Johnny Carson anymore.

Never!

Arthur, I'm in awe.

Vivian doesn't seem to understand
that most men are on a 48-hour cycle!

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

Walter?

I think my cycle is 72-hours!

Arthur, I'm still in awe.

Too much romance can kill you!

Come on.

Doctors down at the hospital
are trying to get their wives

to cool it on this
Feminine Fulfillment stuff.

I mean it! If it keeps up this way,
we're gonna be dropping like flies!

Where's Maude?

Oh, she went into the den.

Well, custard cup,

I have decided to join
Feminine Fulfillment,

and are you in for a treat!

Maude, wait!

What is that, Saran Wrap?

That's right, bucket breath.

- Maude, you can't...
- (doorbell rings)

Will you excuse me,

bunny teeth?

Why, Mr. Greenblad!

Mrs. Findlay, I just
returned your lawnmower.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, Mr. Greenblad...

Thank you!

(shouting) Maude!

Maude, are you crazy?

Mr. Greenblad said thank you
because he's glad God made him!

Maude,

I'm sorry.

I'm willing to forget all
about Feminine Fulfillment.

I'm sorry I ever brought it up.

But turtle toes,

all I want to do is give
you the perfect marriage.

No way! I'm not gonna end
up with Arthur's complaint!

Arthur, what did you say to him?

Vivian,

I don't know how
to tell you this,

but I can't stand
much more of this.

I'm missing Johnny Carson!

You mean you want me
to quit Feminine Fulfillment.

Oh, no. No, I wouldn't
do that, buttercup.

I love the pampering,
the back scratching,

your complete
obedience. You know?

All the good stuff.

You mean you think the
pampering is the good stuff?!

What about...

I like to be pampered.

Of course you do! We all do!

That's what's wrong
with Feminine Fulfillment.

It's all so one sided!

I mean, wouldn't we all
be happier if we took turns,

you know, pampering each other.

I don't know.

Of course we would! That's
the way the world works.

You scratch my
back, I scratch yours.

- Yeah, you rub my feet...
- I don't do feet.

Maude, I said I'm sorry.

Oh, honey.

You've done nothing
to be sorry for,

but don't you think
we could all benefit

from equal partnership?

I mean, think of all the
new things we could learn!

Like what?

Well, like, I just found out
that I like a shot and a beer.

How about another one, bub?

Sure, guy!

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪