Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 18 - Maude's Reunion - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Maude?

Maude!

Come on, sweetheart!
It's time to get up.

This is a big day,
it's your birthday!

Today you're 51 years old,



so come on, sweetheart,
let's rise and shine!

Walter, why are you
talking to my bedspread?

Happy birthday, sweetheart!

You know, Walter, I was just in
the bathroom combing my hair

and there was this
little, tiny little bird just

chirping away right outside the
window and I thought to myself,

"Today, I am 51 years old.

I've been listening
to little birdies

chirp for over half a century."

You know, I couldn't
help myself, Walter,

I raised the window and
there was this cute little bird.

It couldn't have been
five feet away, a little robin.

And you know what
I said to that bird?

- What?
- Go choke on a worm,
you twerp!

I'm old, Walter, I'm old!

Oh, I'm old, Walter!

Old! Old! I'm Old!

Come on, Maude. So you're 51.

You've been depressed all week
and I think you're overreacting.

That's what old
people do, Walter.

They overreact.

Happy birthday, Mother!

Oh, Carol.

Carol, you don't know
how lucky you are.

I mean, I would kill for the
chance to use Midol again!

Well, I think I have
something that'll cheer you up.

Come on, Maude. Smile!

Look at me. I'm
54 and I'm happy!

That, my darling, is
because you are dumb.

- (Carol) Ready, Walter?
- All set!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Mother ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

Come on, Maude,
blow out the candles!

Blow out... Sergio Franchi
couldn't blow out this many candles!

Come on, Mom! If you don't
put them out, it's bad luck!

- So much for bad luck.
- Come on, Maude.

That's the only chance we
have for a little celebration.

Yeah! With you and
Vivian flying up to Boston

for your college class reunion.

She's been like this all week.

All of a sudden,
she thinks she's old!

Where would she
get an idea like that?

What makes her think
51 makes a difference?

You see that? When you're old.

People talk about you
as if you're not there.

- Mother.
- Hi, can I come in?

- Hi!
- Happy birthday, Maude!

I just brought you
a little present,

but I want you to undo it before
we go to our class reunion.

Oh, isn't this sweet, Walter?

Look what Vivian
brought me for my birthday,

our morning paper.

No! Not today's paper, silly!

This is the New
York Times, Maude,

from the day you were born.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Look!

Look at it! Look here! Look.

Calvin Coolidge was president.

- Calvin Coolidge!
- And look at this, look.

Rudyard Kipling
has written new book!

(laughs) A new book.

Look here! Sirloin steak!

12 cents a pound!

(laughs)

This is over half a century old!

I mean, this is an antique!

Just look at it. It's all
yellow and cracked...

(yelling) Vivian!

Oh.

Oh, I know you're
a little depressed,

but you'll feel
all right tonight

when we see all our
old chums at the reunion.

And speaking of that,
you better get dressed,

the plane for Boston
leaves at noon.

Listen, Vivian, everybody,
I might as well tell you.

I have decided I am
not going to the reunion.

- What?
- You're not going?

- You what?
- Maude.

Wouldn't it be worth going
just to see Katie Malloy?

Oh, come on. Katie
Malloy wouldn't bother

coming to some dumb reunion.

Oh, but I heard Katie's
going to be there.

- You're kidding?
- No!

Well, I had no idea that
Katie would show up.

Who's Katie Malloy?

Oh, Katie Malloy.

Katie Malloy is
probably the dearest,

funniest person I have ever met.

Aw, Maude and Katie had
the whole campus laughing.

Gosh, I'll never forget
the first time we met.

She told me I was
the tallest woman

she'd ever seen
who wasn't a nun.

Oh, I could never be blue
when Katie was around.

Vivian, do you remember
Katie's water trick?

You remember!

Before class she would
take a mouthful of water,

and keep it in her mouth closed

and when the professor
turned his back,

she'd spritz it all
over everybody!

(laughs)

You had to be there.

We had a guy like
that in the Army,

He used to take a mouthful
of these baked beans...

Never mind, Walter.

I'll bet we didn't have
one party on campus

where Maude and Katie
didn't sing "Sonny Boy."

Vivian.

Vivian, "Sonny Boy!"

What's so special
about "Sonny Boy?"

Well, it was the way we did it.

Listen, let's show them.

- Let's do it.
- I'll take Katie's part.

Okay, ready?

♪ Climb up on my knee ♪

- What's my name?
- ♪ Sonny Boy ♪

- How old am I?
- ♪ You're only three ♪

- What's my name?
- ♪ Sonny Boy ♪

Where was I sent from?

♪ You're sent from heaven ♪

- And what do you know?
- ♪ And I know you were ♪

What did I make for someone?

♪ You made a heaven ♪

For who, right where, on what?

♪ For me right here on Earth ♪

(laughs)

Have you ever
speculated about old age?

♪ When I'm old and gray, dear ♪

- What should I promise?
- ♪ Promise you won't
stray, dear ♪

Why, Mommy?

- ♪ 'Cause I love you so ♪
- What the hell is my name?

(both) ♪ Sonny Boy! ♪

You know, college
kids today don't know

that you can have
fun without drugs.

Ugh.

Where is that invitation?

I'm gonna call, I'm gonna call.

Who are you calling?

I'm gonna call and leave a funny
message for Katie at the hotel.

You know, like your
wigmaker called,

your chest hair is ready.

(laughs) She'll love it!

You mean you're
going to the reunion?

- Well, of course I'm going!
- Oh! Goody!

I mean, I'm not some old person
who sits around and mopes.

I am young, alive, vital!

Aww, Mother, listen to this.

The day you were
born, Vitaphone Studios

signed Al Jolson for
the first talking picture.

Oh, my God. I was saying "Mammy"

three years before Al Jolson.

I'm old.

I'm old!

- I am old!
- Maude.

Old, O-L-D-E.

That's how old! Old!

(indistinct chatter)

Isn't this fun, Maude?

No, it's depressing.

Oh, Vivian. 30 years
ago, everybody in this room

belonged to the Benny
Goodman fan club.

Now they all belong to the
National Organization of Liver Spots.

Oh, Vivian, where is Katie?

I mean, why did you have
to drag me here anyway?

You know, Maude, you're
drinking entirely too much.

Please, Vivian. I know
my capacity for alcohol.

Yes, but you always get
drunk before you reach it.

Maude, please, I know
how you get when you drink.

So do I. Hi, Maude.

Ed!

Ed, it's been a long time!

Still thinking about
it, huh, Maude?

You know, I was just thinking,
if this party gets any duller,

why don't you and I
sneak up to your room

and rekindle some old flames?

Edward, is this a drink?

- No, it's ginger ale.
- That smells like
alcohol to me.

He's not supposed to drink.

He just had a
prostate operation.

You see, Vivian?
I could be next.

Oh, Vivian, I am old! Vivian.

And I'll tell you something.

If Katie Malloy doesn't show up,

you're going to have a very
angry old lady on your hands.

Well, why don't you
ask Richie Meyers?

Look, there he is. He
was our class president.

He's in charge. Ask him!

Uh, Richie, Richie, excuse me.

Please! I'm the
chairman of this reunion.

I've got a million things to do.

Maude! I haven't
seen you in 30 years.

Now stop bothering me!

Richie, look, this
is very important.

Tell me. Is Katie Malloy coming?

Yes, she called from the lobby.

She's on her way up.
Now get off my back.

- She's on her way up!
- Well?

Let's go and meet her
at the elevator! Come on.

Knowing Katie, she'll probably

- make an entrance
doing cartwheels.
- I know!

- Maude! How are you?
- Hi, excuse us.

Hello, hello.

Oh, oh, Vivian, I don't
want to repeat myself,

but thanks again
for bringing me here.

Aww.

I have an idea. I'm
going to surprise Katie.

I'm gonna sit right here and
I'm gonna take a sip of this drink,

hold it in my mouth and
when she calls my name,

I'm gonna turn around
and... Spritz it all over her!

- Yes!
- (laughs)

Oh! Oh! Here's the elevator.

The doors are opening!

Is she here? Is it Katie?

Yeah, she just
got off the elevator.

(Maude) What does she
look like? What is she wearing?

Does she have gray hair?

- (Vivian) No, no. Still red.
- (Maude) Yeah.

(Vivian) Ah, sort
of a greenish dre...

Oh, Maude, here she comes.

She doesn't see me,
does she? Does she?

I don't think so, but I think
you better turn around.

What, and spoil my surprise?

Maude?

Maude?

Maude!

You can go now, kiddo,

but why don't you stop
by my room around 11:30?

I'm a pushover for
a guy in a uniform.

Oh, Maude, look at you!

Maude, you got old on me!

Maude, it's me!

Katie!

Hello, Katie.

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, Richie. Richie, listen,

I haven't seen Maude in over an
hour. Do you know where she is?

Well, she isn't in the men's
room. I just came from there.

(Richie) Would you polish
this thing again, please?

Maude! Oh, so here you are!

Madame! Madame, please

try to keep this lady
out of the kitchen!

Her breath is melting
the ice sculptures!

Adieu, tall lady!

Maude, I've been looking
everywhere for you.

What were you
doing in the kitchen?

Oh, I wanted to
compliment the chef.

- We haven't eaten yet.
- I know that.

I wanted to compliment
him on his haircut.

I know what you were doing in
there. You're avoiding Katie Malloy.

- Oh, now that is ridiculous.
- No, it isn't! No, it isn't!

You only said two words to here,
and then you excused yourself.

Listen, I've been talking
to her for over half an hour,

and, Maude, she's just as
wonderful as she ever was!

Vivian, half an hour!

Didn't it bother you?

Didn't what bother me?

Come on, Viv, I mean the stroke.

I mean the way she
looks, poor thing.

No! Not really.

Except, of course,
every time I look at Katie,

I can't help thinking there,

but for the grace
of God goes Maude.

Come on, now, Maude,
you've got to talk to her.

I can't.

I mean, Katie, will...
she'll be so uncomfortable.

Do you know what, Maude?

You're not worried about Katie.

You're worried about yourself.

- Vivian.
- That's true!

You're depressed
because you're 51 years old.

Now you see Katie, who's the
same age in that wheelchair,

and you think maybe the
same thing will happen to you

- because you're getting old.
- Oh, now this is ridiculous,
Viv.

I am the picture of health.

I mean, look at this hand.

Momentito!

That's not my hand.

This is an old hand!

This is my mother's hand!

Look! I'm walking around
with my mother's hands!

Oh, stop it! Come on.

Katie!

Look who I found!

Maude!

Maude, there you are!

I'm sorry, Katie, but I
had to go stroke my face.

I mean, uh...

Fix my stroke.

I mean... tinkle!

(Vivian laughs)

Come on, sit down, sit down.

- Oh, Katie.
- Aww, come on, Maude!

I had a stroke.

It's not the end of the world!

Let's not talk about that, huh?

Okay, we'll talk
about something else.

Ask me how my tennis game is!

(laughs)

Oh, Maude, will you relax?

You know, honey, having
a stroke has its advantages.

Really? What advantages?

Well, for one thing, I
don't have to stand up

when they play the
"Star-Spangled Banner!"

Oh, come on, Maude,
honey, come on. Let's catch up.

Fill me on everything that you've
been doing. I want to hear all the details.

Well, let's see.

Um.

After we finished
college, I got married,

and then I had a baby

and um, then
tonight I came here.

(laughs) Oh, come on now.

You've done a
lot more than that!

She's been married four times.

Four husbands?!

No wonder you look so tired.

Maude's not quite
herself tonight, Katie.

I think it's the excitement of
seeing all her old friends again.

Yeah, I think it's one
old friend in particular

that's bothering Maude.

Look, Katie.

Yes, Maude?

Katie, will you excuse me?

I have to find an aspirin.

Why? You have a headache?

Headache. Great idea.

Ed, will you excuse me, please?

Still can't keep your
hands off me, huh, Maude?

You know, it's been
30 years, Maude.

You ought to stop
carrying that torch.

You're only going to
drive yourself crazy.

Ed, would you do me a favor?

Sure, baby, sure.

Hold this ice cube for me.

Maude, you've always
been close to Katie.

You've got to talk to her.

Talk to her about what?

She's been telling people
that you two are going

to sing "Sonny Boy."

She can't be serious.

Maude, she is not
going to perform.

- If you don't
talk to her, I will.
- What are you gonna say?

No singing from
wheelchairs after 8:00?

- Might be good.
- No!

I'll tell her, I'll tell her.

Good.

Come on, Ed, help me
count the shrimp cocktails.

Listen, do you want
me to help you tell Katie?

No, no. I'll... I'll...

I'll handle it.

Um, K... K... Katie?

(laughs)

Yes, Maude?

Uh, Katie, I understand that

you were thinking that possibly

the two of us might
sing "Sonny Boy" tonight.

But of course we're
gonna sing "Sonny Boy."

I mean, we can't
disappoint everybody!

Yeah, well, Katie, I mean, I
don't think I'm in any shape.

You know, I had an
awful lot to drink tonight.

I can't even walk
a straight line.

Yeah, well, that
makes two of us!

Oh, honey, you
don't have to walk.

Just climb on board!

Look, Katie, I mean, come
on, we're not kids anymore.

You know what I mean?
I'm a little too old for this.

Oh, Maude! Now come on, honey!

We can do it!

No, we can't, Katie.

And you know why.

Maude, Be honest with me.

Do I really sing that bad?

Katie, will you
stop making jokes?

This isn't funny!

Hey, you know something?
You're mad at me!

Come on, Katie,
I'm not mad at you.

Yes, you are, Maude,
you're mad at me.

- You're furious!
- Well, who wouldn't be?!

I turned 51 today and I hate it,

and the only reason I
came to this dumb reunion

was because I thought
you could cheer me up.

Here you come out in this thing

(sputtering) and
you talk like this.

God, Katie, I didn't mean that.

Yes, you did, Maude.
You meant that.

Yes, you did, and Maude,
I'm glad you said that.

Maude, honey, listen, you
know when you're driving in a car

and some guy cuts you off

and you stick your
head out the window

and you scream, "You
creep" because you're mad?

But you're mad because
that other guy scared you.

And that's why you're
mad at me, Maude!

I scare you.

It's true, Katie.

You scare the hell out of me.

But why?

Why? I'm okay.

I'm alive!

Last week, I moved this big toe.

Next month, gee,
maybe I'll be walking!

Maude, I go to sleep every night

and I wake up every morning.

I'm alive.

I'm alive, Maude!

So, honey, if
you're afraid of me,

you're just afraid of life.

You're incredible.

You know something?

Having this stroke has been
bad news and good news.

The bad news is I'm paralyzed,

but the good news is
my husband left me.

(laughs)

There he was!

Oh, anyway, you know,

I think this stroke was
just too much for him

and he just... left.

Oh, Maude you know,
sweetheart, that's when I realized

that it's the quitters that
are really afraid of life.

Maude, that's why I
had to come here tonight.

You know, I was afraid
that If I didn't show up...

Maude, you know me.

I'm not a quitter.

And you're not a quitter.

Maude, see, that's why I
had to come her tonight.

Maude, I just couldn't
let you go out there

and sing "Sonny
Boy" all by yourself.

Oh, Katie, Katie, Katie,

what does it take to knock
the stuffing out of you?

Well, I've always
found roughage helpful.

(music playing)

May I have your
attention, please?

As your class president,

I'd like to say that I'm
just as proud as punch

to have made this reunion
the wonderful success that it is.

- (quiet applause)
- Oh, please, please.

Katie, let's liven thing up.

Oh, boy do they need that.

Jackie Koch, who
arranged for the dinner.

Uh, let's not forget
Bill Davenport

- who donated all the liquor.
- Excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen,
for our first number tonight...

Wait a minute! What is this?

- I was reading!
- I know,

and we all enjoyed it
immensely. Look, Richie.

Why don't you go swallow a duck?

Maestro, a little
funny music, please.

(piano playing)

Tell me, waiter.

Do you have frog's legs?

Yes, I do!

Well, how do you keep from
jumping out of your pants?

- (rimshot)
- (laughs)

Sir, could you lend me
$150 for a cup of coffee?

$150 for a cup of coffee?!

Well, you don't expect me to
drink it in this outfit, do you?

(rimshot)

Um, Doctor, I have
a terrible problem.

Nobody pays any attention to me.

Next!

- (rimshot)
- (laughs)

Forget it. Forget it. Forget it!

We're wasting our time, Katie,
on this bunch of deadheads.

You're all terrible.

You don't appreciate
a good woman,

and you don't
appreciate a good joke.

I mean, you've all
forgotten how to laugh.

Well, it's ridiculous
if you think I'm gonna

waste an evening with
you people every 30 years.

- That's telling 'em, Maude.
- They deserve it.

I have a good mind to leave now
while I still have my pride and my dignity!

(laughing)

Hey, everybody, everybody!

Who wants to hear
them do "Sonny Boy?"

(cheering)

How about it, Katie, huh?

Oh, no, I'm not in
the mood anymore.

Aww.

Hit it, Maestro!

♪ Climb up on my knee ♪

- What's my name?
- ♪ Sonny Boy ♪

How old am I?

♪ So, you're only three ♪

What's my name?

♪ Sonny Boy ♪

What is it that I don't know?

♪ You have no way of knowing ♪

What is there no way of?

♪ There's no way of showing ♪

What I mean to who?

♪ What you mean to me ♪

What's my name?

♪ Sonny boy ♪

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪

♪ And then there's Maude. ♪