Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 20 - Maude's Aunt - full transcript
Maude's aunt visits, and she can be just as caustic as Maude.
(music playing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
But before Aunt Lola comes down,
I want to tell you one more story.
I asked her one day, I said,
"Lola, how come you
were just a chorus girl?"
I said, "With your
talent and looks,
I really expected you
to make it on Broadway."
Well, you know how
she answered me?
She said, "Honey,
making it on Broadway was
how I got to be a chorus girl."
(laughing)
Oh, Maude, your Aunt Lola
sounds absolutely fabulous.
You'll see for yourself. She
should be down in a second.
Oh, she is really wonderful.
So warm, open, funny.
She's also rude and offensive.
Walter's still sulking
because she calls him "Baldy."
(laughs)
But I really love
Aunt Lola. You know,
when I was a little girl,
I had a secret wish that
she could be my mother!
Well, if she's rude and offensive,
maybe she is your mother.
- Arthur, did I deserve that?
- Yes.
Arthur, have I ever said anything
to you that was rude or offensive?
Yes.
- What?
- You told me I stole this
sport coat off a dead clown!
I apologize, Arthur.
I didn't mean to imply
that you stole the coat.
But Maude, did you really want
your Aunt Lola to be your mother?
Oh, no...
Yes, really. Yes. She was...
she was fascinating. I mean,
she was years ahead of her time.
The personification of what the
whole women's lib thing is all about.
She's always been her own woman.
Always does what
wants, when she wants.
Yeah, because she's selfish.
Walter, why is it when a woman
does what she wants she's "selfish,"
but when a man does what
he wants, he's "forceful?"
- Why? I'll tell you why.
- Never mind, Baldy.
I had a lot of aunts,
but I don't remember
ever wanting one of
them to be my mother.
Actually, I always wanted my
mother to be one of my aunts.
You know, the scary
thing is I understand her.
(Maude) Lola!
Maude, why didn't you
tell me you had company?
I would have dressed! (laughs)
Lola, I'd like you to meet
our very dearest friends,
the Harmons, Vivian and Arthur.
This is my Aunt Lola.
Vivian, it's a pleasure!
- Ah!
- And Arthur,
oh, this is a real treat!
I've always loved circus people!
No, no, no. I'm not
a clown. I'm a doctor.
Would you like to
take that or shall I?
What are you
laughing at, Baldy?!
Aunt Lola, would you like
some hot hors d'oeuvres?
Oh, no thank you,
dear. They're too spicy.
I just like something
cool to munch on.
Like a double
martini on the rocks.
What did I tell you?
You're right, she is fabulous,
and she looks so young!
More like your
sister than your aunt.
Well, actually, Lola isn't
that much older than I am.
No, there's only two
years between us.
Thanks, Baldy.
Lola, two years?
Yes. The year I was born
and the year you were born.
Uh, Lola,
may I ask you a rather
personal question?
Why, of course, Arthur.
Have you ever had a facelift?
- (Maude) Arthur!
- (Vivian) Oh, Arthur!
It's just a
professional question.
(laughs) A facelift?
Absolutely not.
Oh, now wait a minute.
Lola, don't tell me
that that isn't a facelift.
I have never had a facelift or
even thought about having a facelift,
and that is the honest truth.
Well, what do you do to
keep looking so young?
I lie about my facelift.
(laughs)
Then you did get one!
One. I'll settle for that.
Speaking of faces,
where is Mrs. Naugatuck?
I haven't seen the lumpy,
little limey since I got here.
She's up in Albany,
visiting a cousin.
Oh, good. She's such a bore.
Lola!
I think she's fairly
interesting for a foreigner.
She's a rude woman.
The first time we met, I
happened to be smoking a Tiparillo
and she insisted
on calling me sir.
Come on, now,
Lola, in all fairness,
that was because you were
flicking your cigar into the urn
containing her late
husband's ashes.
Well, you have to admit, he
looked better with the added weight.
What's on the
schedule for tonight?
Oh, my gosh. The schedule
for tonight. I forgot the game.
- I'll go and get it.
- Oh, and I left
the salad in the refrigerator.
I'll go with you, Arthur,
but we'll be right
back. Save my place!
What was that all about?
I think you're
going to enjoy it.
We're going to have a quiet
dinner with the Harmons,
then we're going to play that
fun word game, Perquacky.
Perquacky? Oh, terrific.
Then maybe after dinner,
we can put Walter
under a strong light
and watch his hair fall out.
Maude, do I have
to play Perquacky?
Oh, Mrs. Findlay.
Mrs. Findlay, would you
help me with me uniform?
Well, shiver my
timbers, it's my lucky day.
I didn't know the
Navy was in town!
My, that's a fancy sword.
Oh, yes, ma'am. This
sword has quite a history.
It belonged to Admiral Farragut.
In fact, he wore this
sword on his wedding night.
His wedding night?
That's when he said, "Damn
the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!"
Oh, now, you see,
this happens to be
the full-dress
uniform of my lodge,
the Knights of St. Mel.
Who's St. Mel?
The patron saint of
cleaners and dyers.
(laughs)
Oh, that's delicious.
I love a woman with
a sense of humor.
Bert, I'd like you to meet
my aunt, Lola Ashburn.
Lola, this is Bert Beasley,
who married Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Pleased to meet you, ma'am.
- Do you mean that round
little person
snared a distinguished
gentleman like this?
Oh, come on, now, Lola, I know you and
Mrs. Naugatuck have never gotten along,
but she and Bert are
very happy together.
- Isn't that right, Bert?
- Well, tonight, I'm not
so happy.
See, tonight is the annual
ball of the Knights of St. Mel
and that little round
person is still up in Albany.
Bert, she'd be
here if she could!
I mean, she knows how
much this ball means to you.
Oh, she doesn't care
about the Knights of St. Mel.
She thinks we're just
a bunch of drunks.
But tonight is the election ball
and that's a big honor!
Is there any chance
you might get elected?
No one's elected.
At the end of the ball,
the honor goes to the man who
passed out nearest the throne.
Oh, that sounds like
my kind of evening.
Lola, what a great idea! Look,
you don't want to play Perquacky,
why don't you be Bert's
date at the ball tonight?
Oh, I couldn't do that.
Hold on, Maude.
She's right. Mrs. Naugatuck
wouldn't like that at all.
- Oh, come on, Walter.
- She wouldn't?
No, she would be very upset!
I'll get my coat.
Wait a moment,
Lola, just a moment.
Now, don't tell me that you would
go out and be Bert's date tonight
just to spite Mrs. Naugatuck?
Oh, no.
But you know I've always
been attracted to older men
and Bert is qualified.
- I'm 75.
- He's over-qualified.
Maude, can I see
you in the kitchen?
No, you'll yell at me.
No, I won't.
There's something I
want to discuss with you.
Would you excuse us?
We'll be back in a moment.
Maude, you're playing with fire.
You know how Lola
likes to go after older men!
And the way she feels
about Mrs. Naugatuck
she might make her play
for Bert just to get back at her.
Come on, now, Lola
likes a good time,
but she's certainly
not a loose woman.
And everything
Bert has is loose!
I mean, what could she possibly
see in a 75-year-old man?
What did she see in that
retired sea captain she dated?
She liked the conversation.
- With that old man?
- No, with his parrot!
Maude, when Mrs. Naugatuck
comes home next Wednesday,
she's gonna be furious.
Are you gonna do that to a
woman who's been a loyal friend?
Oh, now, Walter, you're just
making a big deal out of nothing.
Are you gonna do that to a woman
who's been a devoted housekeeper?
Walter, you're blowing
this all out of proportion!
Are you gonna do that to a
woman who sharpens all our knives?!
Lola, take off your coat!
- Lola?
- Bert?
- Lola!
- You're too late. They're gone.
Now you've done it, Maude.
She's gonna be furious!
Oh, Walter, Walter,
that shows how little
you know about women.
I mean, I know Mrs. Naugatuck.
I've had countless
intimate chats with her.
I know her. I know
how her mind works.
And I assure you, she is not
going to be furious about this.
How can you be so sure?
Because she's never
going to hear about it.
It was a lovely evening, Maude.
I'm just sorry your Aunt Lola wasn't
here to play Perquacky with us.
I'm glad we played for money!
- Boy, I really cleaned up!
- Don't worry, Arthur.
I'm gonna win all that money
back tomorrow on the golf course.
Hey, that's right. We've
got an 8:30 starting time.
8:30? Arthur, shouldn't
you make it a little bit later?
You know how you get
when you win money...
True, cupcake.
Walter, better make that 8:45.
Walter, 8:40.
Come on, Maude. Let's
get to bed. It's after 2.
You go on, honey. I think I'll
watch a little TV for a while.
Channel 9 is running a
wonderful late show this week.
They're showing all the
old Lorne Greene comedies.
I knew it.
You're worried because Bert and
Lola aren't home yet, aren't you?
Of course I'm worried, Walter!
Where are they? Why
haven't they called?!
I mean, it's Saturday night!
There's lots of drunk drivers out there,
- and Bert's one of them!
- (phone ringing)
Oh, please, dear
God, let this be them.
Hello? Lola! Lola,
are you all right?
Oh, well thank heaven you're
safe. Are you still at the ball?
It's over?
Where are you now?
Lola, what do you me...
Lo... Lo...
They're safe.
They just had to go to
Yonkers for something.
Yonkers? For what?
A motel room.
Hello, Paradise Motel?
Could you tell me,
have a Mr. Bert Beasley
and Miss Lola Ashburn
checked in there?
You couldn't care
less? Thank you.
Maude, it's 7:30 in the morning.
You haven't been to bed.
You've been up all night!
How can I sleep? We have to find those
two. Walter, what are we going to do?
Maude, look, there's no reason
to be so upset. It's Sunday.
Mrs. Naugatuck won't
be back till Wednesday.
By that time, Bert will
either be home or dead!
Walter, for old time's sake.
God will get you for that.
Maude, it's your own fault. You're
the one who sent Lola out with him.
Oh, I know it's my fault!
I'm just too trusting, Walter.
I thought I was dealing with
a beautiful, honorable person.
I just have to face the facts.
Bert is a dirty old man.
- Bert?
- Well, of course.
He obviously forced
Lola to that motel.
How could Bert force
Lola to do anything?
Oh, Walter, do you think she'd
argue with a man carrying a sword?!
Good morning, Maudie.
Well, Walter, you ready to go out
on the links for the sport of kings?
But, Arthur, I thought the
sport of kings is horse racing.
Well, there's not really
very much difference.
See, they're
fertilizing the fairways.
(laughs)
You see, Maudie? I,
too, am capable of humor!
Boy, have you seen
the price of coffee?
Arthur, I don't really
think I ought to go.
Maude needs me.
We're having a
little problem here
and I wouldn't feel
right leaving here alone.
Oh, honey, come
on. It's all right.
Okay, I'll just get my shoes.
Hey, Maude, that new pro
at the club is really great.
He has really
straightened out my drive.
That's wonderful, Arthur.
See, I've always been a slicer.
That's when the ball
curves to the right.
Walter's just the opposite.
He hits them to the left.
He's a hooker.
Say, where's your Aunt Lola?
Arthur, how dare you
call my aunt a hooker!
No offense, Maudie. I didn't
even know she played golf.
All set.
Maude, are you sure
you don't want me to stay.
Please, don't worry.
As a matter of fact,
I think I'll drive over to Yonkers
and check out the motels.
Motels?
Walter, we can skip the golf...
I wouldn't want to interfere
with another man's whoopee.
Come on, Arthur.
He's right. Golf
is more important.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh!
- Bonjour, Maudie!
Oh, Lola, thank heaven
you're here. Thank Heaven.
Look, I don't want you to feel
that you have to explain anything.
What happened, happened.
I just want you to know
that I know that you had
nothing to do with what happened.
Well, I'll tell you
what happened.
I got Bert drunk,
loaded him into a car
and drove him to a motel.
In other words,
you're saying that part of it
might have been your fault.
Oh, I'm saying all
of it was my fault.
Lola, I'm... I'm shocked!
I am absolutely shocked.
I mean, I know you've
always preferred older men
and you've had more
than your share of flings
and you don't believe
in the standard morality
and you get a little wild
after you've had a few drinks
so why the hell am I shocked?
Well, I'm glad you got
that out of your system.
Now, the important
thing is to protect Bert,
Mrs. Naugatuck mustn't find out
about this. When's she coming back?
You're absolutely right.
She's arriving on Wednesday.
Oh, good, then I'm going to take
him to Cape Cod for a couple of days.
Lola, you're under arrest.
Maude, relax!
Naugatuck will never know,
unless the tiny smile
on Bert's face tips her off.
Or the portable oxygen
tank next to his bed.
Oh, Lola, have you
no sense of morality?
I mean, have you no respect for
the sacred institution of marriage?
I've got a lot of respect for it,
and that's why I didn't get married.
Which is more than you can say.
Four husbands!
You're the one who ought to
be arrested for loitering in church!
At least I always had
a sense of fair play.
I mean, I never went
around hurting innocent,
decent human beings.
Just my husbands!
Maude, who are
you to preach to me?!
Now, listen to me,
Lola. I forbid this.
I absolutely forbid it!
(Mrs. Naugatuck)
Yoo-hoo! I'm home!
Oh, my God, it's Mrs. Naugatuck!
Quick! Hide under the
bed! What am I saying?!
Hello, ma'am, it's
good to be back!
Oh. It's you, Lola.
What brings you to town? An
American Legion convention?
Well, Mrs. Naugatuck,
what a lovely outfit.
You looked exactly
like a tomato surprise.
Mrs. Naugatuck, we weren't
expecting you until Wednesday.
Oh, I know, but I felt so
guilty about leaving Bert alone.
I haven't seen you
for quite a while.
- Since last we met,
I got myself a husband.
- We've covered that.
Ah, look, Mrs. Naugatuck why
don't you go and freshened up a bit?
Oh, but Bert's not upstairs. I thought
he might be down here with you.
No, he isn't.
But where on earth can he be?
Mrs. Naugatuck, sit down.
I think we should get all
of this out into the open.
Maude, wait just a minute.
Now that Mrs. Naugatuck is back,
the weather at Cape Cod
is terrible this time of year.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
But we still have that
package in Yonkers to explain.
Yonkers? Cape Cod? What
are you two talking about?
(sighs) Mrs. Naugatuck,
last night, Bert felt badly
about going to the Knights
of St. Mel ball without a date,
- so...
- Bert had a date?
He took another woman out?
- Who was she?
- Me.
Oh, what a relief.
Now what is that
supposed to mean?
Well, let's face it, Lola.
You're hardly competition.
Why, you little round person!
Oh, now wait a minute! Now
just stop it. Stop it, both of you!
Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm
gonna be perfectly frank.
I'm gonna speak straight from the
shoulder without pulling any punches.
Last night,
when Bert and Lola were
coming home from the ball...
- Yes?
- There was a tremendous
flash flood and all the
bridges were washed away
and the Red Cross set
up an emergency center
and Lola slept in the women's
tent and Bert slept in the men's tent.
Oh, poor Bert.
Going out with Lola and
then getting caught in a flood.
That's two disasters
in one night!
Now, that does it. No
more Mr. Nice Guy!
Bert and I spent
the night at a motel.
I don't believe it.
Oh, we had a wonderful night.
We called room service and
had champagne and caviar sent up
and we put a $1.25
in the Magic Fingers machine!
I don't believe it!
- It's true.
- And I won't believe it
unless I hear it
from Bert himself.
Where is Bert?!
Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm afraid
that Bert is in a motel in Yonkers.
Anyone who would play
around with a woman like you
deserves to be in Yonkers.
Thanks for the ride, sailor!
And I'll remember
you in my prayers.
Nell, you're home! Oh, Nell!
You've got a lot of
explaining to do, Bert.
And besides, you're all wet.
Yeah, I know. I know.
Well, I'll face
up to it right now.
Here goes.
Lola,
I'm sorry for deserting
you last night.
Deserting her?
Yes, you see, I had a few
too many at the ball last night,
and then I lost track of Lola.
Now, the last thing I remember,
somebody was helping me to a car
and I must have been
in bad shape because
my sword kept making
sparks on the sidewalk.
Bert, tell me this,
where did you sleep?
Sleep?
Oh.
In a bathtub in some
motel in Yonkers.
This morning, I thought
I heard an alarm clock
and I reached to shut it off
and I turned on the shower.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute. Lola,
where did you spend the night?
In the office of
that same motel.
Bert was in no condition
to come home last night,
and I only had money
enough for one room.
You mean you sat up
all night in that office?
Oh, it wasn't too bad.
I won a couple of bucks off
the night clerk, shooting craps.
(Mrs. Naugatuck) Come on, Bert.
We'd better get
this wet uniform off.
All right, love. I'll
be glad to do that.
Oh, I mustn't forget me manners.
Lola, thank you
for going to the ball with me.
I hope we had a good time.
Oh, we did, Bert.
After all, you're now the
high monarch of St. Mel's.
You hear that, love? I passed
out nearest to the throne!
(laughs)
Everybody will be
looking up to me now!
Lola, I don't understand.
I just don't understand.
Why would you go to a motel
with a man who was so drunk
he didn't know
what he was doing,
sit up all night shooting
craps with a desk clerk,
and then come back with some
ridiculous story about Cape Cod?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess that's why they
call me a living legend.
Lola, that is no explanation.
Maude, Bert is a very funny man!
Has he told you all the stories
about working in a cemetery?
Do you know there
actually was a man
who demanded to be
buried in the gay section?
Lola, the gay section
of a cemetery?
Yes. Bert says that's where
all the laughter comes from.
Oh, he has a hundred
stories like that.
He had me in stitches all night,
right up to the time he passed out.
So I thought it'd be fun to take a
person like that up to Cape Cod.
Yeah, but Lola, Bert
happens to be a married man.
Now, would you risk his
marriage for just a few days of fun?
I mean, that's what
I don't understand.
What's not to understand,
Maude? I'm lonely.
Lo...
Lola...
You...
lonely?
Yes, lonely.
Oh, Maude, I've always
had a lot of men in my life.
They were like streetcars.
Every time I turned around,
another one was coming along.
And now things are different?
How long has it been
since you saw a streetcar?
I guess I'm a little sorry I
never settled down, Maude,
but now I have to take
my fun where I find it.
I understand,
but Lola, I'd like you to
explain one thing to me.
Why is it you've always
been interested in older men?
Because they're always so...
grateful.
(music playing)
(vocalizing)
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
But before Aunt Lola comes down,
I want to tell you one more story.
I asked her one day, I said,
"Lola, how come you
were just a chorus girl?"
I said, "With your
talent and looks,
I really expected you
to make it on Broadway."
Well, you know how
she answered me?
She said, "Honey,
making it on Broadway was
how I got to be a chorus girl."
(laughing)
Oh, Maude, your Aunt Lola
sounds absolutely fabulous.
You'll see for yourself. She
should be down in a second.
Oh, she is really wonderful.
So warm, open, funny.
She's also rude and offensive.
Walter's still sulking
because she calls him "Baldy."
(laughs)
But I really love
Aunt Lola. You know,
when I was a little girl,
I had a secret wish that
she could be my mother!
Well, if she's rude and offensive,
maybe she is your mother.
- Arthur, did I deserve that?
- Yes.
Arthur, have I ever said anything
to you that was rude or offensive?
Yes.
- What?
- You told me I stole this
sport coat off a dead clown!
I apologize, Arthur.
I didn't mean to imply
that you stole the coat.
But Maude, did you really want
your Aunt Lola to be your mother?
Oh, no...
Yes, really. Yes. She was...
she was fascinating. I mean,
she was years ahead of her time.
The personification of what the
whole women's lib thing is all about.
She's always been her own woman.
Always does what
wants, when she wants.
Yeah, because she's selfish.
Walter, why is it when a woman
does what she wants she's "selfish,"
but when a man does what
he wants, he's "forceful?"
- Why? I'll tell you why.
- Never mind, Baldy.
I had a lot of aunts,
but I don't remember
ever wanting one of
them to be my mother.
Actually, I always wanted my
mother to be one of my aunts.
You know, the scary
thing is I understand her.
(Maude) Lola!
Maude, why didn't you
tell me you had company?
I would have dressed! (laughs)
Lola, I'd like you to meet
our very dearest friends,
the Harmons, Vivian and Arthur.
This is my Aunt Lola.
Vivian, it's a pleasure!
- Ah!
- And Arthur,
oh, this is a real treat!
I've always loved circus people!
No, no, no. I'm not
a clown. I'm a doctor.
Would you like to
take that or shall I?
What are you
laughing at, Baldy?!
Aunt Lola, would you like
some hot hors d'oeuvres?
Oh, no thank you,
dear. They're too spicy.
I just like something
cool to munch on.
Like a double
martini on the rocks.
What did I tell you?
You're right, she is fabulous,
and she looks so young!
More like your
sister than your aunt.
Well, actually, Lola isn't
that much older than I am.
No, there's only two
years between us.
Thanks, Baldy.
Lola, two years?
Yes. The year I was born
and the year you were born.
Uh, Lola,
may I ask you a rather
personal question?
Why, of course, Arthur.
Have you ever had a facelift?
- (Maude) Arthur!
- (Vivian) Oh, Arthur!
It's just a
professional question.
(laughs) A facelift?
Absolutely not.
Oh, now wait a minute.
Lola, don't tell me
that that isn't a facelift.
I have never had a facelift or
even thought about having a facelift,
and that is the honest truth.
Well, what do you do to
keep looking so young?
I lie about my facelift.
(laughs)
Then you did get one!
One. I'll settle for that.
Speaking of faces,
where is Mrs. Naugatuck?
I haven't seen the lumpy,
little limey since I got here.
She's up in Albany,
visiting a cousin.
Oh, good. She's such a bore.
Lola!
I think she's fairly
interesting for a foreigner.
She's a rude woman.
The first time we met, I
happened to be smoking a Tiparillo
and she insisted
on calling me sir.
Come on, now,
Lola, in all fairness,
that was because you were
flicking your cigar into the urn
containing her late
husband's ashes.
Well, you have to admit, he
looked better with the added weight.
What's on the
schedule for tonight?
Oh, my gosh. The schedule
for tonight. I forgot the game.
- I'll go and get it.
- Oh, and I left
the salad in the refrigerator.
I'll go with you, Arthur,
but we'll be right
back. Save my place!
What was that all about?
I think you're
going to enjoy it.
We're going to have a quiet
dinner with the Harmons,
then we're going to play that
fun word game, Perquacky.
Perquacky? Oh, terrific.
Then maybe after dinner,
we can put Walter
under a strong light
and watch his hair fall out.
Maude, do I have
to play Perquacky?
Oh, Mrs. Findlay.
Mrs. Findlay, would you
help me with me uniform?
Well, shiver my
timbers, it's my lucky day.
I didn't know the
Navy was in town!
My, that's a fancy sword.
Oh, yes, ma'am. This
sword has quite a history.
It belonged to Admiral Farragut.
In fact, he wore this
sword on his wedding night.
His wedding night?
That's when he said, "Damn
the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!"
Oh, now, you see,
this happens to be
the full-dress
uniform of my lodge,
the Knights of St. Mel.
Who's St. Mel?
The patron saint of
cleaners and dyers.
(laughs)
Oh, that's delicious.
I love a woman with
a sense of humor.
Bert, I'd like you to meet
my aunt, Lola Ashburn.
Lola, this is Bert Beasley,
who married Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Pleased to meet you, ma'am.
- Do you mean that round
little person
snared a distinguished
gentleman like this?
Oh, come on, now, Lola, I know you and
Mrs. Naugatuck have never gotten along,
but she and Bert are
very happy together.
- Isn't that right, Bert?
- Well, tonight, I'm not
so happy.
See, tonight is the annual
ball of the Knights of St. Mel
and that little round
person is still up in Albany.
Bert, she'd be
here if she could!
I mean, she knows how
much this ball means to you.
Oh, she doesn't care
about the Knights of St. Mel.
She thinks we're just
a bunch of drunks.
But tonight is the election ball
and that's a big honor!
Is there any chance
you might get elected?
No one's elected.
At the end of the ball,
the honor goes to the man who
passed out nearest the throne.
Oh, that sounds like
my kind of evening.
Lola, what a great idea! Look,
you don't want to play Perquacky,
why don't you be Bert's
date at the ball tonight?
Oh, I couldn't do that.
Hold on, Maude.
She's right. Mrs. Naugatuck
wouldn't like that at all.
- Oh, come on, Walter.
- She wouldn't?
No, she would be very upset!
I'll get my coat.
Wait a moment,
Lola, just a moment.
Now, don't tell me that you would
go out and be Bert's date tonight
just to spite Mrs. Naugatuck?
Oh, no.
But you know I've always
been attracted to older men
and Bert is qualified.
- I'm 75.
- He's over-qualified.
Maude, can I see
you in the kitchen?
No, you'll yell at me.
No, I won't.
There's something I
want to discuss with you.
Would you excuse us?
We'll be back in a moment.
Maude, you're playing with fire.
You know how Lola
likes to go after older men!
And the way she feels
about Mrs. Naugatuck
she might make her play
for Bert just to get back at her.
Come on, now, Lola
likes a good time,
but she's certainly
not a loose woman.
And everything
Bert has is loose!
I mean, what could she possibly
see in a 75-year-old man?
What did she see in that
retired sea captain she dated?
She liked the conversation.
- With that old man?
- No, with his parrot!
Maude, when Mrs. Naugatuck
comes home next Wednesday,
she's gonna be furious.
Are you gonna do that to a
woman who's been a loyal friend?
Oh, now, Walter, you're just
making a big deal out of nothing.
Are you gonna do that to a woman
who's been a devoted housekeeper?
Walter, you're blowing
this all out of proportion!
Are you gonna do that to a
woman who sharpens all our knives?!
Lola, take off your coat!
- Lola?
- Bert?
- Lola!
- You're too late. They're gone.
Now you've done it, Maude.
She's gonna be furious!
Oh, Walter, Walter,
that shows how little
you know about women.
I mean, I know Mrs. Naugatuck.
I've had countless
intimate chats with her.
I know her. I know
how her mind works.
And I assure you, she is not
going to be furious about this.
How can you be so sure?
Because she's never
going to hear about it.
It was a lovely evening, Maude.
I'm just sorry your Aunt Lola wasn't
here to play Perquacky with us.
I'm glad we played for money!
- Boy, I really cleaned up!
- Don't worry, Arthur.
I'm gonna win all that money
back tomorrow on the golf course.
Hey, that's right. We've
got an 8:30 starting time.
8:30? Arthur, shouldn't
you make it a little bit later?
You know how you get
when you win money...
True, cupcake.
Walter, better make that 8:45.
Walter, 8:40.
Come on, Maude. Let's
get to bed. It's after 2.
You go on, honey. I think I'll
watch a little TV for a while.
Channel 9 is running a
wonderful late show this week.
They're showing all the
old Lorne Greene comedies.
I knew it.
You're worried because Bert and
Lola aren't home yet, aren't you?
Of course I'm worried, Walter!
Where are they? Why
haven't they called?!
I mean, it's Saturday night!
There's lots of drunk drivers out there,
- and Bert's one of them!
- (phone ringing)
Oh, please, dear
God, let this be them.
Hello? Lola! Lola,
are you all right?
Oh, well thank heaven you're
safe. Are you still at the ball?
It's over?
Where are you now?
Lola, what do you me...
Lo... Lo...
They're safe.
They just had to go to
Yonkers for something.
Yonkers? For what?
A motel room.
Hello, Paradise Motel?
Could you tell me,
have a Mr. Bert Beasley
and Miss Lola Ashburn
checked in there?
You couldn't care
less? Thank you.
Maude, it's 7:30 in the morning.
You haven't been to bed.
You've been up all night!
How can I sleep? We have to find those
two. Walter, what are we going to do?
Maude, look, there's no reason
to be so upset. It's Sunday.
Mrs. Naugatuck won't
be back till Wednesday.
By that time, Bert will
either be home or dead!
Walter, for old time's sake.
God will get you for that.
Maude, it's your own fault. You're
the one who sent Lola out with him.
Oh, I know it's my fault!
I'm just too trusting, Walter.
I thought I was dealing with
a beautiful, honorable person.
I just have to face the facts.
Bert is a dirty old man.
- Bert?
- Well, of course.
He obviously forced
Lola to that motel.
How could Bert force
Lola to do anything?
Oh, Walter, do you think she'd
argue with a man carrying a sword?!
Good morning, Maudie.
Well, Walter, you ready to go out
on the links for the sport of kings?
But, Arthur, I thought the
sport of kings is horse racing.
Well, there's not really
very much difference.
See, they're
fertilizing the fairways.
(laughs)
You see, Maudie? I,
too, am capable of humor!
Boy, have you seen
the price of coffee?
Arthur, I don't really
think I ought to go.
Maude needs me.
We're having a
little problem here
and I wouldn't feel
right leaving here alone.
Oh, honey, come
on. It's all right.
Okay, I'll just get my shoes.
Hey, Maude, that new pro
at the club is really great.
He has really
straightened out my drive.
That's wonderful, Arthur.
See, I've always been a slicer.
That's when the ball
curves to the right.
Walter's just the opposite.
He hits them to the left.
He's a hooker.
Say, where's your Aunt Lola?
Arthur, how dare you
call my aunt a hooker!
No offense, Maudie. I didn't
even know she played golf.
All set.
Maude, are you sure
you don't want me to stay.
Please, don't worry.
As a matter of fact,
I think I'll drive over to Yonkers
and check out the motels.
Motels?
Walter, we can skip the golf...
I wouldn't want to interfere
with another man's whoopee.
Come on, Arthur.
He's right. Golf
is more important.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh!
- Bonjour, Maudie!
Oh, Lola, thank heaven
you're here. Thank Heaven.
Look, I don't want you to feel
that you have to explain anything.
What happened, happened.
I just want you to know
that I know that you had
nothing to do with what happened.
Well, I'll tell you
what happened.
I got Bert drunk,
loaded him into a car
and drove him to a motel.
In other words,
you're saying that part of it
might have been your fault.
Oh, I'm saying all
of it was my fault.
Lola, I'm... I'm shocked!
I am absolutely shocked.
I mean, I know you've
always preferred older men
and you've had more
than your share of flings
and you don't believe
in the standard morality
and you get a little wild
after you've had a few drinks
so why the hell am I shocked?
Well, I'm glad you got
that out of your system.
Now, the important
thing is to protect Bert,
Mrs. Naugatuck mustn't find out
about this. When's she coming back?
You're absolutely right.
She's arriving on Wednesday.
Oh, good, then I'm going to take
him to Cape Cod for a couple of days.
Lola, you're under arrest.
Maude, relax!
Naugatuck will never know,
unless the tiny smile
on Bert's face tips her off.
Or the portable oxygen
tank next to his bed.
Oh, Lola, have you
no sense of morality?
I mean, have you no respect for
the sacred institution of marriage?
I've got a lot of respect for it,
and that's why I didn't get married.
Which is more than you can say.
Four husbands!
You're the one who ought to
be arrested for loitering in church!
At least I always had
a sense of fair play.
I mean, I never went
around hurting innocent,
decent human beings.
Just my husbands!
Maude, who are
you to preach to me?!
Now, listen to me,
Lola. I forbid this.
I absolutely forbid it!
(Mrs. Naugatuck)
Yoo-hoo! I'm home!
Oh, my God, it's Mrs. Naugatuck!
Quick! Hide under the
bed! What am I saying?!
Hello, ma'am, it's
good to be back!
Oh. It's you, Lola.
What brings you to town? An
American Legion convention?
Well, Mrs. Naugatuck,
what a lovely outfit.
You looked exactly
like a tomato surprise.
Mrs. Naugatuck, we weren't
expecting you until Wednesday.
Oh, I know, but I felt so
guilty about leaving Bert alone.
I haven't seen you
for quite a while.
- Since last we met,
I got myself a husband.
- We've covered that.
Ah, look, Mrs. Naugatuck why
don't you go and freshened up a bit?
Oh, but Bert's not upstairs. I thought
he might be down here with you.
No, he isn't.
But where on earth can he be?
Mrs. Naugatuck, sit down.
I think we should get all
of this out into the open.
Maude, wait just a minute.
Now that Mrs. Naugatuck is back,
the weather at Cape Cod
is terrible this time of year.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
But we still have that
package in Yonkers to explain.
Yonkers? Cape Cod? What
are you two talking about?
(sighs) Mrs. Naugatuck,
last night, Bert felt badly
about going to the Knights
of St. Mel ball without a date,
- so...
- Bert had a date?
He took another woman out?
- Who was she?
- Me.
Oh, what a relief.
Now what is that
supposed to mean?
Well, let's face it, Lola.
You're hardly competition.
Why, you little round person!
Oh, now wait a minute! Now
just stop it. Stop it, both of you!
Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm
gonna be perfectly frank.
I'm gonna speak straight from the
shoulder without pulling any punches.
Last night,
when Bert and Lola were
coming home from the ball...
- Yes?
- There was a tremendous
flash flood and all the
bridges were washed away
and the Red Cross set
up an emergency center
and Lola slept in the women's
tent and Bert slept in the men's tent.
Oh, poor Bert.
Going out with Lola and
then getting caught in a flood.
That's two disasters
in one night!
Now, that does it. No
more Mr. Nice Guy!
Bert and I spent
the night at a motel.
I don't believe it.
Oh, we had a wonderful night.
We called room service and
had champagne and caviar sent up
and we put a $1.25
in the Magic Fingers machine!
I don't believe it!
- It's true.
- And I won't believe it
unless I hear it
from Bert himself.
Where is Bert?!
Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm afraid
that Bert is in a motel in Yonkers.
Anyone who would play
around with a woman like you
deserves to be in Yonkers.
Thanks for the ride, sailor!
And I'll remember
you in my prayers.
Nell, you're home! Oh, Nell!
You've got a lot of
explaining to do, Bert.
And besides, you're all wet.
Yeah, I know. I know.
Well, I'll face
up to it right now.
Here goes.
Lola,
I'm sorry for deserting
you last night.
Deserting her?
Yes, you see, I had a few
too many at the ball last night,
and then I lost track of Lola.
Now, the last thing I remember,
somebody was helping me to a car
and I must have been
in bad shape because
my sword kept making
sparks on the sidewalk.
Bert, tell me this,
where did you sleep?
Sleep?
Oh.
In a bathtub in some
motel in Yonkers.
This morning, I thought
I heard an alarm clock
and I reached to shut it off
and I turned on the shower.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute. Lola,
where did you spend the night?
In the office of
that same motel.
Bert was in no condition
to come home last night,
and I only had money
enough for one room.
You mean you sat up
all night in that office?
Oh, it wasn't too bad.
I won a couple of bucks off
the night clerk, shooting craps.
(Mrs. Naugatuck) Come on, Bert.
We'd better get
this wet uniform off.
All right, love. I'll
be glad to do that.
Oh, I mustn't forget me manners.
Lola, thank you
for going to the ball with me.
I hope we had a good time.
Oh, we did, Bert.
After all, you're now the
high monarch of St. Mel's.
You hear that, love? I passed
out nearest to the throne!
(laughs)
Everybody will be
looking up to me now!
Lola, I don't understand.
I just don't understand.
Why would you go to a motel
with a man who was so drunk
he didn't know
what he was doing,
sit up all night shooting
craps with a desk clerk,
and then come back with some
ridiculous story about Cape Cod?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess that's why they
call me a living legend.
Lola, that is no explanation.
Maude, Bert is a very funny man!
Has he told you all the stories
about working in a cemetery?
Do you know there
actually was a man
who demanded to be
buried in the gay section?
Lola, the gay section
of a cemetery?
Yes. Bert says that's where
all the laughter comes from.
Oh, he has a hundred
stories like that.
He had me in stitches all night,
right up to the time he passed out.
So I thought it'd be fun to take a
person like that up to Cape Cod.
Yeah, but Lola, Bert
happens to be a married man.
Now, would you risk his
marriage for just a few days of fun?
I mean, that's what
I don't understand.
What's not to understand,
Maude? I'm lonely.
Lo...
Lola...
You...
lonely?
Yes, lonely.
Oh, Maude, I've always
had a lot of men in my life.
They were like streetcars.
Every time I turned around,
another one was coming along.
And now things are different?
How long has it been
since you saw a streetcar?
I guess I'm a little sorry I
never settled down, Maude,
but now I have to take
my fun where I find it.
I understand,
but Lola, I'd like you to
explain one thing to me.
Why is it you've always
been interested in older men?
Because they're always so...
grateful.
(music playing)
(vocalizing)