Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 17 - Maude's Desperate Hours - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

That's right, Walter Findlay.

Oh, he hasn't checked
into the hotel yet?

I wonder, would you please,
the moment he arrives,

give him a message? It's urgent.

Tell him that his wife called and
said would he please hurry home...

someone is going to kill her.

Thank you.

(rumbling)

(doorbell rings)

Who is it?

(Man) Police Department.

May I please see
your identification?

Oh, thank God,
you are the police.



(Man) Argh!

(Man) Argh!

Will you please take your hand out of
my door? You're making me nervous.

Mrs. Findlay,

I'm detective Bronson,
this is detective Kennedy.

Come, come in. I'm sorry about the hand
and about asking you for identification

but, well, you don't
look like the fuzz.

We're plain clothes men, ma'am.

Ms. Findlay, the report
says you believe a man

is out to kill
you. Is that right?

That is right, he's called
three times today with threats,

he keeps saying
"Tonight is the night."

Do you have any idea who it is?

Yes, he is a painter.

- Painter?
- Yes.

I hired him last Tuesday

to paint the
bedroom and the den.

Can you give us a description?

Well...

the bedroom is a chocolate brown

And I was going to do...

A description of the suspect.

Oh, yes, of course.

- Well, he's a man
in his early 30s...
- (Kennedy) Early 30s.

- About six feet tall...
- (Kennedy) six feet tall.

- Around 180 pounds...
- (Kennedy) 180 pounds.

A swarthy complexion,

black hair,

fiery brown eyes.

No, make that
piercing brown eyes.

And when he takes off
his tank top, which is often,

he has something sexy in
Greek tattooed across his chest.

Did he tell you what it meant?

Constantly.

What is the suspect's name?

Zorba Apodopolis.

Oh, he's Greek?

Yes, and very,
very hot tempered.

Oh, I know this sounds crazy. I mean,
a man comes into my house to paint

and is so overcome with emotion

that he says if he can't
have me, nobody will.

Now I sit here terrified.

I feel like Helen Hayes
in the movie of the week!

Make that Elizabeth Montgomery.

Mrs. Findlay, sometimes these
things get somewhat exaggerated.

We found that women very often

imagine workmen in the
house are making advances.

I assure you. This
was not my imagination.

At first I was willing
to chalk it up to the fact

that possibly he was
high from the paint fumes...

or the wine.

He brought wine to work?

Oh, no, I gave it to him.

Gave him wine.

You can't serve a man feta cheese
and Greek olives without red wine.

Do you always do this
for workmen in the house?

Only painters,

because you've got
to keep painters happy

especially if you change the color
on the wall three times in one day.

I kept him happy,

but I did not show
him a good time.

Mrs. Findlay, are you certain

that you didn't do
anything to encourage him?

Absolutely not.

If he mistook my
kindness for willingness,

it's only because he thinks
he is totally irresistible.

On the other hand, maybe I
shouldn't have danced with him.

You danced with him?

Oh, yes. I told you that I changed
the color on the wall three times

so, when he finally hit just
the right shade of beige,

well we were both
so overjoyed that we...

♪ Da, da, dah, dada dada
dam, dada dam, dada dada. ♪

I thought it was
completely innocent.

But that's when he
started making advances?

- Yes.
- What happened?

Well, I laughed...

and he didn't like that.

Apparently, you're not supposed
to laugh at a Greek in a bedroom.

Mrs. Findlay what time does
your husband get home from work?

Ah, you see, Officer,
that's the problem.

He's in New York on business,

but I did leave a
message at the hotel.

Well, I'm sure he'll come home
as soon as he gets the message.

Of course, of course and until
then, I think we can handle this

with two police at the front
door, two at the backdoor

and, inside here, maybe
just a little SWAT team.

Mrs. Findlay,

I'm afraid that all we
can do is have a patrol car

drive by every once in a while.

A patrol car, don't you understand?
A man is going to kill me!

He called 20 minutes ago
and said, "tonight is the night!"

I'm sorry, but a patrol
car is the best we can do.

Mrs. Findlay, if you're
this frightened, why

don't you ask someone
to sleep over tonight?

Well, someone is sleeping
over. My neighbor Vivian Harmon.

Her husband is a doctor,
he's on emergency duty tonight,

she's afraid to be alone.

Why don't you gentlemen join us?

You're not in any danger.

I can only remember one
case where a man actually

carried out his threat.

Oh, yeah. About three years ago.

That guy who murdered the
waitress when she turned him down.

The guy that was never caught.

I mean, he strangled her right
there in that little restaurant.

What's the name
of that restaurant?

The Acropolis Café.

Mrs. Findlay we're gonna have a
patrol car make periodic checks.

Now, just bolt the
doors, lock the windows,

- pull down the shades.
- And have a nice evening.

Front desk please.

Oh, hello. Front desk, has
Mr. Findlay checked in yet?

This is his wife.

Oh, he hasn't.

No, I already left a message.

The one where I'm
going to be killed?

You must have it.

Well, I just left it
three minutes...

Oh, you just got back
from your dinner break.

I see. Well, would you
please take the message now?

Yeah, his wife.

Killed.

555-9963.

And do see that he gets it the
moment he arrives. Thank you.

(doorbell rings)

Who is it?

- Me, Vivian.
- Oh.

Hi, Maude.

Oh, Maude, I'll tell ya, I'm so
glad Arthur's at the hospital tonight.

(Vivian) I'm really
looking forward to this.

Maude, look what I've brought.

Marshmallows!

(Vivian) Just like we
used to toast at those

slumber parties
we had in college.

That's, nice Viv.

Yeah! And look what else.

Your favorite Italian wine.

Ah!

The girls I really envied were
those in Capa Capa Gamma.

They were forever
having panty raids.

I kept wishing our house
would get a panty raid.

This could be your lucky night.

Listen, Vivian, I really
had a very rough day.

Would you mind if I went
up and had a shower?

Oh, that's all right. I wanna
look at your kitchen anyway

and see how the
new paint turned out.

Oh, no, we painted the den
and the bedroom not the kitchen.

Oh, I guess I got you mixed
up with Sheila Hackett's kitchen.

Maude, that same Greek
man painted Sheila's house

and she said he made
rude advances to her.

- No.
- Yes.

Well, uh...

what did she do?

She refused him, of course.

Has he bothered her since then?

I don't know.

I haven't seen Sheila in weeks.

I keep phoning
and going by there.

She's just never around.

It's like she just disappeared
off the face of the earth.

Vivian, would you give me a
hand with this chair, please?

Sure, what do you
wanna do with it?

Let's just move it
over near the door.

Okay.

Okay?

- Thanks, Viv.
- Why do you want it there?

Well, I've been thinking
of rearranging the room.

I rather like it there.

What about the front door?

I haven't decided
where I'll put that yet.

I'll think about that
after my shower.

Shower. That reminds me, I don't want
to miss my favorite movie on TV tonight.

- What's that, Vivian?
- "Psycho."

I don't want to miss
that shower scene

where Janet Leigh gets stabbed.

Yes, I remember that very well.

I don't think we
should watch it.

- No, I wanna watch something.
- Vivian, I said no!

- Vivian!
- I wanna.

What is the matter?
Will you leave that on?

Oh, oh, Viv.

I didn't wanna
have to tell you this,

but I had the same experience
with Zorba that Sheila did.

You mean, he made
rude advances to you?

Yes,

and when I refused
he became enraged.

Vivian, he
threatened to kill me.

- Maude!
- Vivian, he's called me
three times today.

He keeps saying
"Tonight is the night."

Oh, Vivian, any minute
now that mad, crazy Greek

might come through
that door and try to kill me.

(screams on TV)

That was Janet Leigh screaming.

This is mine. (screams)

Well, will you please
have Dr. Harmon

call his wife at Mrs. Findlay's?

Arthur can't come to the
phone, he's in the operating room.

Oh, Maude, let's
go over to my house.

Oh, no. We can't, Viv. What if
Zorba's out there lurking in the bushes?

That's right.
Greeks love to lurk.

(phone rings)

That's him. That's
him, that's Zorba.

No, no, no. It's probably
Walter calling from New York.

On the other hand,

It might be Zorba trying
to find out if I'm at home.

Don't answer it,
Maude, don't answer it.

But what if it's Walter?
Vivian, you answer the phone.

- Why me?
- If he hears your voice
he'll know I'm not alone.

But if he hears your voice
he'll think there is a man here.

Vivian, I don't need that.

Hello!

Hello!

Ah! Oh! He hung up.

Oh, oh, it must be Zorba.

Oh, Vivian, what a curse it
is to be the kind of woman

who inflames men to
this degree of passion.

Maude, listen,

I know you're inflaming,

and all that stuff, but maybe it was
just a crush and he's over you by now.

Dreamer.

(yelling outside)

That's him, he's here.

He's gonna kill
us both, I tell you.

What! What!

That's just a couple
of alley cats, Vivian.

The one thing we cannot afford is
to lose control. We must remain calm.

That applies to both of us. I want
you to feel free to slap my face, too.

Right.

After I get hysterical!

Sorry. I'm sorry, Maude.

It's all right, Viv.

It's all right.

- (cats screeching)
- Ooh, the cats again.

Why do they keep
screeching like that?

Vivian, that's the
way cats make love.

If they don't like it
why do they do it?

I'll pour the wine, Viv.

(cats meowing)

Animals!

Come on, Viv, let's have some
wine. Maybe it'll calm our nerves.

Oh, good idea.

You know, wine
always calm my nerves.

Remember, when
we were in college,

I'd drink wine when I was
nervous about an exam?

Yeah, sometimes your nerves
got so calm, they passed out.

(sighs)

Oh, college.

Those were the days.

Oh, Viv.

Viv, whatever happen to those

two young carefree

pretty girls that everyone
was in love with?

Well, Linda Weaver
lives in West Port.

I think Dee Dee Carsh
moved to Cleveland.

Vivian, I was talking about us.

(chuckles) Oh, ha.

Well,

you're married to Walter
and I got married to Arthur.

- Vivian!
- What?

You know something, Viv,

I liked you

the first minute I met
you, did I ever tell you that?

No, you never did.

What was it you liked about
me, my sense of humor?

No.

- My personality?
- No.

- My smile?
- No.

- Maude, what was it?
- I've no idea.

No, wait, wait, wait, I
had it just a second ago.

I remember, I remember.

Vivian, you were so gentle,

so gentle. I mean...

you had something nice
to say about everybody.

And you liked that?

And I still do, Viv. I think
that's what I like most about you.

Viv, when we first met, what
was it you liked about me?

I didn't like
anything about you.

Vivian, I distinctly
remember that after we met,

you went around telling everyone
what a wonderful person I was.

I always had something
nice to say about everybody.

But I got to like you,
Maude, and I still do.

- Why, Viv?
- Why not?

Vivian, I'd like to
propose a toast.

Oh, goodie.

What is it?

Vivian, you're supposed to...

You're supposed to drink
the wine after the toast.

(chuckles) Oh, right.

To our friendship.

Oh, and Maude, you've
always been a loyal friend to me.

- Have I, Viv?
- You certainly have.

(thunder crashes)

Listen, Vivian,

just in case,

just in case something happens

to either one of
us. And I know, Viv,

there's something that

I've kept hidden
from you for years.

Vivian, something I have
wanted to confess for a long time.

What is it?

Sit down, Vivian,

Vivian, do you remember
when we were in college

and you were dating
Steve Dinsmore?

Do I remember Steve Dinsmore?

Maude, Steve
was in love with me.

Not after 11:00.

- What?
- I was late-dating him, Viv.

- Maude!
- Oh, Vivian. Oh, Vivian.

I know, it just must
be terrible for you

to hear this from
your best friend,

but, under the circumstances,
I just had to tell you.

No, no, no, that's
all right. I understand.

It must have been awful for you,

carrying around that
guilt all these years,

but at least it's comforting
for you to know that

Steve is carrying
the same guilt.

And a lot of great memories.

(thunder crashes)

Vivian,

listen Vivian, isn't
there something

- that you've always wanted
to confess to me?
- No.

- Nothing?
- Promise me
you won't get mad?

Ah, I promise Viv.

Now, what is it?

You remember that

4th of July barbecue we had,

the summer Debbie Reynolds
was dating Eddie Fisher?

You remember those

shish kabob skewers
I borrowed from you?

Yes.

I never returned them.

That's it?

That's it, that's what
you wanted to tell me?

What the hell kind
of confession is that?

- I knew you'd get mad.
- I bare my soul to you

and the best you come up
with is shish kabob skewers?

I'm sorry, Maude.

I've just never been
good at being rotten.

Listen, Maude!

(banging)

Look, that's just a shutter
banging in the wind.

Listen, Vivian,

I do think we should make
sure that all the windows

in the house are locked.

You take the upstairs,
I'll take the downstairs.

I'm gonna take
Walters putter with me.

Oh, I just hope I
don't have to use this.

Well, I'll start with the den.

Come on, Vivian, let's go.

Oh...

Ah.

Oh.

(heavy breathing)

Hello?

Hello?

Maude?

- Vivian?
- Maude?

Maude, is that you? Oh, Maude.

There's somebody
in the living room.

I'm trying to push
the... (screams)

Oh!

Vivian, that was
me in the living room.

I'll call you back.

Why doesn't Walter come home?

Why doesn't Arthur call?

(bangs)

Listen!

What was that?

- I don't know.
- Maude, I think there's
someone on the front door.

Oh.

I think it was just
our imaginations.

(knocks at door)

Look, look at the door
knob. He's trying to get in.

(Vivian) Oh!

It's stopped!

(walking away)

What are you doing?

He may be trying to get
around to the back. Listen.

Take this into the
den and call the police.

I'll stall him.

The back door! Oh, Vivian! Oh, my
God! I forgot to lock the back door.

Oh, oh.

- What are you doing?
- Take this lamp.

Stand upon this stool and when he comes
in, hit him over the head with it hard!

I'll attract his attention.

Where is Vivian?

Oh, Arthur. Thank
God you're here.

Arthur, we're in
terrible danger.

A man has threatened
to kill me, Arthur.

A man has
threatened to kill you?

Oh, Maudie, that's terrible.

- I know who it is.
- You do?

It's that bald guy down the
supermarket that okays the checks.

No, Arthur.

There's that little redheaded guy
who delivers for the drycleaners.

No, Arthur.

Then it has to be the cashier
at the Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Arthur, no.

Are you sure? None of those
guys can stand you, Maude.

Arthur, it's the painter
that I hired last week to

paint the den and the bedroom.

A painter?

Is he by any chance a Greek?

Yes.

(Vivian) His name
is Zorba Apodopolis.

Vivian?

(Vivian) I'm behind
the door, Arthur.

What are you doing
behind the door, Vivian?

I'm holding the lamp.

It's just been so scary,

what with thunder and
those threatening phone calls

and those cats
making love and all.

Oh, wait a second.

Zorba?

Everybody relax. Just
let's have a little drink.

Arthur, what are you saying?

I just performed an emergency
operation on this Apodopolis guy.

Apparently, he got himself
shot by a jealous husband.

- Vivian, that's wonderful!
- That's wonderful!

Oh, wait...

Oh, look, this is terrible.

Of course, we are
tremendously relieved,

but we shouldn't be happy
when a man has been shot.

I mean, the poor
thing maybe dying.

Oh, no, no. He'll be out
of bed in a couple of days.

Arthur, why didn't
you kill him!?

Sorry. I didn't mean...

Well, we don't have to
worry about that anymore.

You see, the bullet
didn't do much damage,

but the damage that it did do...

Let's just say that...

Zorba won't be painting any
bedrooms for a long, long time.

Vivian.

(chuckles)

♪ Dada, dada dum, dada dam,
dada dam, dada, dada dam. ♪

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪