Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 16 - Arthur's Crisis - full transcript

Maude & Walter are having a dinner party with some friends. Walter's friend Albie is a fun-loving prankster who irritates Maude but makes Walter laugh. When Albie dies during an operation, Walter no longer feels safe.

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Well, here's the potato salad.

Oh, Maude, don't you just love

potato salad with
hard boiled eggs in it?

I'm crazy about it that way.

There, you see? I knew I should
have hard boiled some eggs. Darn it.



Maude, do I have to
chop any more onions?

Can't I go outside and toss the
football around with Arthur and Albie?

Oh, now, look, If
you wanna go out

and play with that jerk
Albie Doyle, go ahead.

Jerk? Albie's not a jerk.

Albie is not a jerk?

Did you see this book that he
brought Vivian from Cleveland?

Said it was the
hottest book in town?

Really, Maude? I
mean a hot book? Wah!

(laughing)

That is not funny, Walter.

He's been pulling
these dumb jokes all day.

And whoopee cushions
are not funny, either.

- (imitates flatulence)
- (laughing)

Oh, Maude, he just
likes to fool around!

I mean, when I found out that
the great Albie Doyle was here,

I almost went into shock!

You almost went into shock?

How about when he goosed
me with his electric cane?

Maude, you don't
understand. Albie Doyle

was one of the greatest
college football players of all time!

He was right up there with
Red Grange and Tom Harmon.

Now, look, honey,
if you really wanna

go out and play football with
Arthur and Albie, go ahead.

- Okay!
- Just don't bend over.

- (shouting)
- What? What?! What?

There, there, there!

(laughing)

A rubber spider!

Oh, isn't he a riot, Maude?!

That doggone Albie... I
mean, a rubber spider!

That's gotta be a classic
in American humor!

What? What? What?

- What?
- Vivian, I swear to you,

if Albie plays
another trick on me,

I'm going to hide
his rubber doggy doo.

Oh, Maude, come on, he's cute.

Arthur says Albie
was always like that,

even back when they
were roommates in college.

Arthur says Albie taught him
everything he knows about fun.

Hmm.

Vivian, just answer
one question for me,

why would an important
person like Albie Doyle

come all the way from
Cleveland to Tuckahoe

just to get Arthur to perform
a simple hernia operation?

Well, Arthur says
Albie's a hypochondriac

and he doesn't trust doctors.

Oh. I guess if you
don't trust doctors,

Arthur's the perfect choice.

(indistinct shouting)

Oh, I hope Arthur's
watching that

chicken out there on the
grill. I don't want it to get burnt.

- (Arthur) I got it, I got it!
- (Walter) I got it!

(glass shattering)

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- Don't touch that football!
- Why? What?

They may want to
measure for a first down.

♪ We are the
bobcats, rolling true ♪

♪ And we will claw
the pants off you. ♪

Rip rip ree! Kick
'em in the knee!

Rip rip rass, kick
'em in the other knee!

(laughing)

Oh, boy, oh, boy, Albie,
what a pass that was!

Sorry, Viv, we'll fix
the window tomorrow.

Albie, you must have
thrown that ball 50 yards,

and you with a hernia!

Come on, I'll get you a drink.

Hey, what happened?
That ball was right to you.

(laughs) Oh, come on.

I wasn't about
to touch that ball.

Not after what you rubbed on it!

(both laugh)

Albie carries around a
baggy full of chicken fat

just to rub on things.

How do you beat this guy?

Over the head with
his electric cane!

Hey, Maude, you're all right.

You know, the
first time I met you,

I didn't think you
had a sense of humor!

He, Albie, why don't you
show Maude your carnation?

Hey, Maude, look at this. It's
a special hybrid. I grow them.

Yeah, I know, I
know. It's the kind

you don't have to
water, it waters you.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, come on, Albie,

you don't think I'm gonna
fall for that squirting...

Wait a minute, this
is a real carnation.

Of course, what do you think
I am, some kind of cornball?

I'm sorry, Albie,
it's really lovely.

(laughing)

Albie, I understand
you never married.

Come on, everybody!
Here we are. Bottoms up!

I want to make a
toast. Just a sec.

(coughs)

(laughing)

Albie, you are terrific!

Albie, you old son
of a sewer pump!

- You old slime slapper!
- You old scum slurper!

You old maggot muncher!

- Chicken liver?
- No!

Albie, I can't believe
you never married.

I mean, a fun guy like you!

Well, my work
keeps me pretty busy.

I travel around a lot arranging
conventions for the Shriners.

And besides, old Arthur
here got the dream girl.

Oh, Albie!

No, it's true, Arthur.

Your first wife Agnes
was the perfect woman.

What a beauty.

She was the best thing to
happen to old Arthur here.

Agnes was a saint.
An absolute saint.

I know. That's why they
had separate bedrooms.

Boy, oh, boy, the great Albie
Doyle right here in Tuckahoe.

You know something, Arthur?

We should get you
some publicity for this.

Oh, no, Walter, I get
enough publicity as it is.

Every time I turn around,
I see my name in print.

Walter's not talking about
death certificates, Arthur.

Maude, please,
I don't like jokes.

Albie, you don't like jokes?!

Well, not jokes about health.

Remember, I'm going
under the knife tomorrow.

Don't worry, it'll
probably be a rubber one!

(laughs)

Look, Albie, old buddy, there's
nothing to be nervous about.

Now remember, I studied
under old Doc Pritchard.

Old Doc Pritchard.

You know, you talk
about him a lot, Arthur.

Yeah, well, he was a
great inspiration to me.

Old Doc Pritchard.
He was the greatest.

Took care of the team.

Kept me patched up so I could go
out there on the field every Saturday.

I played with broken
ankles, broken ribs...

I didn't know the
meaning of pain.

No, but you're
teaching it to us.

Okay, everybody.
Come on. Let's eat.

Arthur, would you
just carve the chicken?

Oh, sure. I could use
another snort, Artie.

Okay, old buddy, sure thing,

but then I'm gonna cut you off.

See, Artie, that's
why I trust you.

You're getting me in shape
for the operation tomorrow.

Oh, no. I just don't want you
to drink up all my good Scotch.

(laughs)

Albie, will you stop worrying?

Look, I gave you a
complete physical yesterday.

Your blood pressure's
good, the old ticker's tip top.

Listen, all you need now for the
hernia operation is a good shave.

Albie, lighten up!

Look, I am not that
madcap kid you remember

from those panty raid parties.

I'm an experienced professional
highly trained surgeon.

You know, Artie? That's why I came
to you all the way from Cleveland.

You're the best in the business.

Oh, darn. Cut my finger.

Oh, hi, Viv.

Oh, hi, Walter, what
are you doing here?

Guess who I got outside?

- Who?
- Chip Morgan
from WKS radio.

Ooh, I love him!

He's gonna interview Arthur
about Albie for the 6:00 news.

Oh, how exciting!

How'd the operation go?

Oh, just fine.

Albie's in the
recovery room now.

I'm waiting for Arthur.
He's taking me out to lunch.

Right after he takes
out a gallbladder.

Vivian, I'll be with
you in just five minutes.

All I have to... Walter!
What brings you here?

Arthur, stay right
there. Don't move.

- I have a surprise for you.
- Wait till you see.

Chip. Come on in, please!

Arthur, this is Chip
Morgan from WKS radio.

- He wants an interview
about Albie's operation.
- Hello, how are you?

- Dr. Arthur Harmon
and his wife, Vivian.
- Hello.

Oh, now, Walter, I couldn't.

Come on, Arthur, I want the
people of Tuckahoe to know

the great Albie Doyle came all the
way to you for this hernia operation.

Well, I wouldn't
know what to say.

I've never talked
on the radio before.

Oh, Arthur, go
ahead! It'll be fun!

Well, as long as you're here.

Oh, wait, don't do it
with his hair messed up.

No, see, this is radio, ma'am.

Oh, I don't care. People
have a way of knowing.

Okay, Doctor, just speak
in your normal tone of voice.

- Ready?
- All set.

This is Chip Morgan at
Tuckahoe General Hospital

and I'm talking to
Dr. Arthur Harmon.

Doctor, I understand you just
performed a hernia operation

on your good friend
the great Albie Doyle,

two time winner of the
Mumford Trophy and a beloved

sports figure to a whole
generation of Americans.

Is that true?

Yes.

Doctor, as we all know,

Albie Doyle now resides
in Cleveland, Ohio.

Did he come all the way to
Tuckahoe for this operation

because of his close
friendship with you?

Yes.

Yes, well, uh,

partly. No, partly.

I think he really came to
me because he wanted,

uh, how do you put it modestly?

The best.

The best.

Now, I don't mean to take
anything away from the medical care

that's available in Cleveland.

I'm sure they have several
adequate doctors there.

Isn't a hernia considered
a fairly routine operation?

Not by me, it isn't.

No operation is ever routine.

- Dr. Harmon.
- Shh, shh!

When I take that
scalpel in my hand,

my only thought is
for the sacred trust

that patient has put in me.

- Doctor.
- Shh!

- Doctor, I must
speak with you.
- Shh, shh!

Now, a doctor should
never get careless.

- I owe my...
- Doctor...

I owe my success to the
careful attention to detail...

Nurse Davis! What is this?!

Can't you see that I'm doing an
interview about the great Albie Doyle?

The late, great Albie Doyle.

What?

That's him.

He's dead.

Maybe we'd better
finish the interview later.

Doctor Harmon is
in his office, isn't he?

- Yes.
- Then why can't I see him?

I've been waiting
here four hours.

Mrs. Berger, please.

Why don't you just give up and go
home, like all the other patients did?

Oh, thank God you're here!

I came as soon as
you called! What is it?!

I don't know, all of the sudden
Dr. Harmon had me send

all of his patients
home for no reason.

- Oh, well...
- Oh, hold it, sister! I was here first!

And anyhow, you don't look sick.

I'm the doctor's wife!

You don't look rich, either.

Arth... oh, Arthur!

Vivian! What are you doing here?

Did you have an appointment?

Arthur, Nurse
Erlichman called me.

She says you canceled all
your appointments today. Why?

- He's gone, Viv.
- Hmm?

Albie has gone.

He's thrown his last
pass in the game of life.

And it's been intercepted by
the greatest linebacker of them all,

death.

Oh, Arthur.

Oh, poor Arthur.

Viv, these are Albie's
personal affects.

Look at this. His
bow tie's still dripping.

Oh, Arthur.

Oh, I wish I could do something
to make you feel better.

(imitates flatulence)

(laughing)

(crying)

Arthur, what is
this? What is this?

You sat on Albie's
whoopee cushion.

Albie would have liked that.

Are you sending his
things back to Cleveland?

Yes.

Albie's gonna be buried
wearing his little bow tie,

holding his electric cane and...

stretched out on his
whoopee cushion.

Maybe you should
take the air out of it first.

It might go off at the funeral.

Oh...

Albie would like that, too.

Arthur, I'm worried about you.

You know you didn't
sleep a wink last night.

Vivian, how can I sleep?

Albie is dead and
I'm responsible.

Arthur, you are not responsible.

Turn round here
and listen to me.

Arthur. Listen.

Albie died of a heart
attack after the operation.

All you were supposed to do was

fix his little hernia.
And you did!

I'm sure when Albie died,

he felt better than
he had in weeks.

Vivian, I gave Albie
and electrocardiogram,

and his heart was normal,

but that wasn't enough.

I should have given him
a treadmill stress test.

Ah, do you usually
give that test?

No, you never give that unless

the patient has a history
of heart trouble but,

if I had, if I had, Albie
might be with us today.

Oh...

Arthur, why are you
packing your things?

Viv, try to understand this.

The God thing finally
caught up with me.

The what?

The God thing.

Old Doc Pritchard
used to warn us about it.

See, he taught us that
doctors are like God,

because we have the
power of life and death.

But I don't wanna
be God anymore.

Do these look like the
hands of God, Vivian?

Do they? Do they look
like the hands of God?!

- Absolutely not!
- No, of course not.

But I thought they were.

And then, when Albie died,

I realized how
worthless they are.

Arthur. Arthur, you're just

very upset and you're tired.

Now, I want you to come
home with me, Arthur,

and you can write yourself a
prescription for some sedatives.

I wouldn't trust
any prescription

- these hands prescribed.
- Oh.

These hands are never
going to operate again, Vivian.

I'm through with
medicine forever.

- No!
- Yes!

- I am never coming
into this office again.
- Arthur!

I hate these hands!

I never want to see them again!

No!

No, doctor, no, he doesn't
know you're coming,

but it's been three weeks and

he hasn't even
gone into the office.

You're just my last hope.

Oh, well, you're almost here.

Um, just drive straight
past the House of Pies.

Yeah, then turn left at
Coen's Cowboy Corral.

And ours is the very
next street on the right!

I'll see you in a little while.

(Vivian) Arthur!

You said you were
going to get dressed!

You promised!

Vivian. I've decided
to sell the Cadillac.

I don't want people getting
the idea I'm still a doctor.

Arthur, you are still a doctor.

Vivian, I used to be a doctor.

Three weeks ago, I was a doctor,

but now, I'm a former doctor.

Vivian, I have been reading
the most interesting book.

Arthur, not those gloves again!

- Now, take them off.
- No!

Oh, Arthur, please!

No! Now we've been
through this before!

I don't want to
look at my hands.

Arthur!

It's a perfectly normal
reaction for a surgeon

who's just killed
his best friend.

All right, all right,
dear, what's the book?

Well,

it's the Christian
Science way of life.

Christian Science?

Arthur, Christian Science
is wonderful for sick people

but you're a doctor.

You're giving up an
entire life of medicine

because of self pity!

Self pity?! Self pity?!

Look at these hands!

These hands have
the power to kill!

That's why I'm
giving up medicine!

Don't you think that's a
good enough reason?!

I think it sucks canal water.

And take off those dumb gloves!

Arthur, not two pairs of gloves?

Well, it's difficult
to turn the pages

in my Christian Science
book with the work gloves.

These are my reading gloves.

(doorbell rings)

Who could that be?

Well, I invited
someone to come over.

I don't wanna see anybody!

You're really going to
want to see this person.

- Who is it?
- Right down here, Doctor!

Doctor?! How dare you
invite a doctor into my home!

I rang the bell but
nobody answered.

Of course, maybe
it wasn't ringing.

My ears aren't
what they used to be.

Doc Pritchard! Vivian!

It's old Doc Pritchard!

Well, well, well, young man.

It's been a long time!

I'm Vivian, his wife.
We spoke on the phone.

When your wife called
me, I said to myself,

"I'm not going to let one
of the brightest minds

I ever taught quit medicine."

One of the brightest
minds he ever taught.

- Arthur, I didn't know that.
- Neither did I!

Wait a minute.

You're not Marvin Harper!

No, Doc, I'm Arthur Harmon.

I came to see Marvin Harper.

I don't even know who you are!

Harmon! Arthur Harmon!

Harmon? Harmon, huh?

Class of '41.

Oh, yeah. You used to run
around with your hair in a mess

and your shirt tail hanging out.

Haven't cleaned your
act up yet, have you?

Aww, there go those
teeth of mine again.

Damn dentists.

I shouldn't trust a dentist

with anything as
important as teeth.

Maybe a drink would
help, Doc, scotch,

- bourbon, gin?
- Do you have any coffee?

Oh, yes, we have instant,

decaffeinated and apricot mocha.

Good. I'll take a
double bourbon.

Well, Harmon, you
lost a good friend

under the knife, did you?

Oh, Vivian told you?

Oh, she didn't tell
me. Nobody told me.

It's always the loss
of a good friend that

causes a dedicated
man to give up medicine.

Well, it's the old
God thing, doc.

You're the one that
warned me about it.

I did? What'd I say?

Well, you know,
that doctors have

the power of life
and death like God.

Well, I don't wanna
play God anymore.

I am finished with medicine.

- You got that
backwards, Harmon.
- Backwards?

I had one nice piece
of folksy philosophy

and you screwed it up!

Well, I don't understand.
What did you say?

I said that doctors do not

have the power of life
and death, God does.

Only God can give a life,
only God can take a life.

Only God can make a tree.

Thank you.

You see? She listens!

Harmon, if you quit medicine,

it means that you think you have

the responsibility
for life and death.

If you give up medicine,

you will be playing God.

I never thought of it that way.

Why, Arthur, God
made you a doctor.

He gave you the gift to heal,

to relieve people of
their pain and suffering.

If he didn't want
you to be a doctor,

he would've made you a dentist.

Wow!

This makes everything different.

Ow, there go those teeth again.

Dr, does that pain go right
up into your cheeks there?

All the way from the
eyes down into the jaw.

Look at your eyes!
There all watery.

Of course, from the pain!

Oh, boy. You're
a typical doctor.

You can diagnose
anybody but yourself.

There's nothing wrong
with your teeth, Doctor.

You sound like my dentist.

Well, he's right.

You have a classic
case of acute sinusitis.

I see all the time.

Sinusitis? I haven't
got any sinus trouble.

Well, there always
has to be a first time.

Sinusitis. You know,
Harmon, I think you're right.

Of course I'm right.

Here, get that prescription
filled and that will fix you up.

Well, you're the doctor.

You know, Arthur.

Looks as though you really
are the doctor again, doesn't it?

(laughs)

Yeah, I guess I am.

You sure are! I can't read
a damn word of this thing.

Listen, Doc,

I wanna thank you for
snapping me out of it.

You're still the best
mind in medicine.

Hey,

do you remember Albie Doyle?

Albie Doyle?! I should think so.

I was the team physician.

He was a great quarterback.

Hell of a nice fellow, too.

Albie's one of the immortals.

Well, not quite.

What do you mean?

Albie was the patient God took

on Arthur's operating table.

Albie Doyle is dead?

Well, it was his heart.

(yelling) You killed
the great Albie Doyle?

Harmon, you're a quack!

No, Doc! No, Doc! It wasn't me!

- No, it was him.
- Arthur did everything
he could.

He gave him the
best possible care.

Besides, I wasn't even
there when it happened.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It was just such a shock. I
had no idea it was Albie Doyle.

But you still think I should
practice medicine, don't you, Doc?

Oh, of course. Of course!

Only, maybe God would be happier

if you became a dermatologist.

Me? A skin doctor?

Yes! Nobody ever gets well,

but nobody ever dies.

Think about that.

Bye, Doc!

You know, Vivian,
maybe he's right.

Maybe I could become
a dermatologist.

All I need is a
bigger waiting room.

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪