Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 10 - Mrs. Naugatuck's Wedding - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Okay, thank you.

Maude, that was the reporter
from the "New York Times."

He'll be at the church!

Oh, that is wonderful!

Oh, I knew we could
get the "New York Times"



to cover this wedding.

I mean, after all,

here's Mrs. Naugatuck,
a woman from England,

Bert Beasley, a
man from Ireland,

finding love in
their later years.

(sighs) It's perfect.

The story of the beauty of
age and the beauty of youth.

The beauty of youth?

Walter, you don't think
they'll do an entire article

on the wedding
without mentioning me?

But what's that gotta
do up with the beauty of...

Drop it, Walter.

Anyhow, I told the reporter we'd
all be at the church in half an hour.

That's wonderful. The limousine
should be here any minute.

Limousine? You
hired a limousine?

Oh, just a teensy one. You know,

it's the new small Cadillac,
looks just like a Ford.

Maude, you're spending
a fortune on this wedding.

We can't afford it.

Walter, I am
disappointed in you.

You know what your problem
is? You're parsimonious.

What?

You're also illiterate.

Oh, come on, Walter.

It's Mrs. Naugatuck's wedding

and we love her. No
expense is too great.

Besides, how
many times in her life

does a woman get
married? Strike that.

- Now, Maude, look...
- There is no time to argue.

Now, why don't you go and
help Arthur get Bert ready?

And sweetie, you're
gonna change your mind

once you see that
story in the "Times."

I'm never going to
see that story because,

after this wedding, I'll be too
parsimonious to buy the paper.

- Hello, Maude.
- (Maude) Hi, Viv.

Oh, you look lovely.

(Maude) Oh, thank
you. You look lovely, too.

Oh, thank you!
Oh, the decorations!

They look so lovely!

You know, Viv,
after four marriages,

I have learned one
very important lesson.

Never scrimp on crepe paper.

And I'm so excited about the
"New York Times" being here.

So am I.

I just thought I'd give

this picture myself
to the reporter,

you know, for his article.

It was taken in college,

but I really haven't
changed that much.

Now, I don't know, Vivian,

I don't think the "Times"
would print a picture

of a bridesmaid in a sun suit.

They only use the face.

Here she is, our
beautiful bride!

(Vivian) Oh, Mrs. Nau...

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck!

(crying) You look lovely.

Vivian, stop!

You'll get Mrs.
Naugatuck all upset.

(crying) Oh, Mrs.
Naugatuck, you do look lovely!

(crying) Oh, it's true,
you look absolutely lovely!

(crying) I know!

(all crying)

That was wonderful.

I haven't had a
good cry like that

since Rhoda broke up with Joe.

Now, Mother, Mrs.
Naugatuck has something new

and something borrowed
and something blue,

but she needs something old.

Here.

My, an old picture
of orphan Annie.

Mrs. Findlay, how can
I can I ever thank you?

You've done so much.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,

I just want this to be a
very special day for you,

a day you'll always
remember, because I love you.

(tires screech, crashes)

What was that?

(Vivian) What was that?

The limousine pulled up...

right into the back
of Walter's car.

Oh, no!

I'll check the damage.

I'll call the Auto Club!

Oh, now, Mrs. Naugatuck, please,

I don't want this little
accident to upset you.

I'm not upset, ma'am.

Good, because
in just a little while,

you're going to be
Mrs. Bert Beasley.

Oh, no, ma'am.

What?

You see, my maiden
name is Naugatuck.

And I didn't change it
for my first husband, Cyril,

and I'm not gonna
change it for Bert.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I
think that is marvelous.

- You do?
- Yeah, of course I do.

I'm really proud of you!

I mean, today, with
so many young women

striking out for
feminine independence,

well, here are you at your age
doing exactly the same thing.

I think you're an inspiration.

I've always been
that way, ma'am.

Do you remember those
suffragettes in England

that went on hunger strike
while they were in jail?

Yes.

Well, I had a lot
to do with that.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you
were a suffragette?

No, I was the prison cook.

The Auto Club
will be right over.

Maybe they can tow us to
church and the limousine.

- Guess what, Vivian?
- What?

After Mrs. Naugatuck is married,

she is keeping her own name.

Can you do that?

When Arthur and I were married,

he wouldn't even
let me keep my cat.

Of course you can.

I'm not going to
lose my identity.

I only hope that
Bert likes the idea.

You mean, you haven't told Bert?

Oh, no, not yet.

I'm waiting for the
perfect moment.

Like one were in church
and Bert can't swear.

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck,

you know you don't
have to worry about Bert.

He does anything you want.

Oh, but he can be awfully
stubborn sometimes.

Bert? Stubborn?

Mrs. Naugatuck, he's letting
you have this enormous wedding,

he's agreed to a
formal reception.

He's even going to wear one
of those crazy morning suits,

none of which he wanted to do.

Now, how can you
say he's stubborn?

He's stubborn all right.
He's just not very good at it.

Come on, Bert, it's time to go.
You better get your jacket on.

Oh, I'll wait till we
leave the house.

I hate those monkey suits.

Bert, you're gonna
look distinguished.

Distinguished?

The last man I saw dressed
like that was on a can of tobacco.

I should never have let Nell talk
me into wearing one of these things.

He's right. You gotta let
them know who's boss.

You know what I say about women?
Keep them barefoot and pregnant.

Well, I'll have to
settle for barefoot.

Arthur, you talk like
someone out of the dark ages.

Those were the days.

Don't listen to him, Bert.

Maude and I have been very
happy for almost eight years,

and we are partners.

There's no boss in our house.

He's wrong, Bert.

If you don't show a woman who's
in charge before you're married,

the next thing you
know, she'll want a cat.

Well, Nell is a
little headstrong,

but I'm not worried,

'cause things'll change
after the wedding.

Us Beasley men know
how to keep our wives in line.

Okay, you guys, come
on, Bert, it's time to go.

All right, I'll get into
the monkey suit.

Bert, how come you Beasley men

are so good at handling women?

We have to be
because we're Catholic.

When a Catholic man
takes a wife, it's forever.

You may be miserable,

but divorce is out
of the question.

The best you can
do is go to church

and pray that one of you dies.

Walter? Where is everyone?

Phillip, if you don't stop
eating those sandwiches,

there won't be any
left for the reception.

- Come on, it's time
to go to the church.
- Okay, grandma.

Maude, here's the lucky groom.

Oh, Bert, you look
wonderful in your monkey suit.

Thank you, Mrs. Findlay.

- Yeah, you look great, Bert.
- (groans)

Phillip, are you
wearing ski boots?

Yeah, I bought
them this morning.

The guy at the ski shop said I
should wear them to break them in.

Phillip, you can't wear
ski boots to a wedding!

I mean, this is a
very formal occasion.

Now, you'll simply have
to go up and change.

The tow truck will
be here any minute.

Tow truck? What tow truck?

Walter, I... forgot to tell you.

There's been a slight accident.

The limousine ran into
the back of your car.

- Oh, no!
- Don't worry, darling,

we can borrow Arthur's car

to take Bert and Mrs.
Naugatuck to the ship.

Ship? What ship?

Oh, I guess I forgot
to tell you that, too.

We're treating the newlyweds to a
senior citizens honeymoon cruise.

Cruise? Maude,
we can't afford that.

Walter, we have to give
them a wedding present!

What's the matter
with a waffle iron?

What's wrong with waffle
irons? I think waffle irons are neat!

Waffle irons are the dullest, most
unimaginative gift you can give.

Well, it was Vivian's idea.

Mother, Father Farrell
just called from the church.

We have to have the
ceremony promptly at 10:00,

they've got a funeral
scheduled for 11.

A funeral?!

Last month, when I
scheduled the wedding,

they never told me they
had a funeral planned!

Maybe it was a surprise funeral.

This is the last time I give
that church my business.

Come on, we really have to go.

I'm sorry you're paying for
that expensive cruise, Mr. Finley,

but it was Nell's idea. She
took over the whole wedding.

- You know, I've half a mind to
tell her the cruise is off.
- Oh, don't do that, Bert.

That cruise could
be a lot of fun.

Never mind, Arthur! It's time
Bert showed her who's boss.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Harmon!

It's lovely!

A waffle iron.

Well, I didn't think
it was quite right,

but Arthur insisted.

Come on, really,
it's time to go.

Uh, it's starting to rain.

Oh, it's just a little drizzle.
Nothing to worry about.

(tires screeching, crashes)

- What is that?!
- What was that?

The tow truck just skidded
into the back of the limousine!

Oh, my God.

Don't worry, we can use my car.

- Vivian, have you got the keys?
- Yeah.

Oh, Nell, you look lovely.

Oh, Bert, you look
so distinguished,

just like Prince Albert.

Here are the keys, Arthur.

Come on now, we
really have to go.

We don't want the wedding
slopping over into the funeral.

- (phone ringing)
- I'll get the phone.

- I'll get Phillip.
- I'll get the coats.

- I'll get the car.
- I'll get the rice.

I guess the only thing left
for me to get, Bert, is you.

Well, Nell, this isn't exactly
the kind of a wedding I wanted,

but I don't mind, because
everything'll be all right

once you're Mrs. Bert Beasley.

Oh...

Bert, there's something
I should tell you.

I don't want to upset you.

Nell, I love you.

What could you possibly
say that would upset me?

Well, after we're married,

I want to keep my
name Naugatuck.

That could upset me.

That was the reporter
from the "New York Times."

He can only stay
another 15 minutes.

We have to get to the church
or there won't be any article.

She doesn't wanna take my name.

- Oh, tell him it's all right.
- It's All right, Bert. Come along.

- It's not all right.
- I told you he was stubborn.

Oh, come on, you'll both feel
better after a nice wedding.

Nell, this is ridiculous. Of course
you're gonna take the name of Beasley.

No, I'm keeping the
name Naugatuck.

- Good, then it's settled.
- Nothing's settled.

I'm not going to the church to get married
to a woman who won't take my name.

- Bert!
- Nell!

A Beasley man is a proud man.

A Beasley man is a strong man.

And when a Beasley man marries,

his wife takes the
name of Beasley,

and I am a Beasley man.

Bert, tonight you're going
to be the proudest, strongest,

oldest Beasley man
in the singles bar!

- Now what does that mean?
- The wedding's off!

Oh, now just a minute, you
two! You can't do that to me!

Now, I'm not gonna let you
weasel out of this wedding

just because you don't
want to get married.

Oh, come on, you two,
now you're just being silly.

Don't you realize
how lucky you are

at your age to find each
other and fall in love?

I mean, how can you
refuse to get married

when there are
millions of old people

behind the iron
curtain going single?

Mrs. Findlay, I'm an
independent woman.

I wouldn't take the name
Beasley if it was Rockefeller.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you should
have some respect for Bert.

Beasley men are
the head of the house.

Beasley men wear the
pants. Beasley men...

Bert, with all due respect,

I am really getting very
bored with you Beasley men.

- Here's the rice!
- Phillip will be right down!

The car's at the front, and listen, we
can drive fast, because I'm a doctor.

Everybody take a coat!

Everybody wait a
minute, listen to me.

Listen. Wait a... Wait a minute!

What? What? What?
What? What? What?

Before we go to the church to
celebrate this very special day,

there is one little problem
that has to be ironed out.

What is it?

Bert: Hell will
freeze over before...

I wouldn't marry you...

(indistinct arguing)

Mrs. Naugatuck, Bert,

I'm shocked!

Here Maude's trying
to explain a problem

and you two are
just jabbering away!

All right, go ahead,
what's the problem?

Mrs. Naugatuck and Bert
want to call the wedding off

because Mrs. Naugatuck does
not want to change her name.

Now, isn't that silly?

No. I'll go turn off
the motor in the car.

I'll get rid of the coats.

I'll tell Phillip he can
put his ski boots back on.

I'll call the church and
cancel the wedding.

Wait a minute!
Don't call the church!

Maude's right.
First, call and cancel

the reservation
on the cruise ship.

Don't cancel anything!

Now, look, look, the
wedding is not off.

- What did you just say?
- Will you be quiet?

Please, please,
everybody be quiet!

Now, I think that everybody
should stay out of this,

except the people
directly involved.

Mrs. Naugatuck and Bert and me.

Maude, can I see
you in the kitchen?

- Not now.
- I wanna see you
in the kitchen.

- I can't go now.
- In the kitchen.

- Walter, they need me.
- (shouting) Maude! Kitchen!

Bert, Mrs. Naugatuck,
I don't want to hear

any screaming or
yelling or fighting.

Until I get back.

Would you stay out of
this? Just face the facts,

they're not gonna get married because
Mrs. Naugatuck is being too unreasonable.

Mrs. Naugatuck is
being unreasonable?

Sure, she won't change her name.

Walter, any woman with
a sense of independence,

with an ounce of pride would
want to keep her maiden name.

Then why didn't you keep your
maiden name when we got married?

By that time, I
couldn't remember it!

Listen, Maude,
just call the church

and tell them that
the wedding is off.

I am not going to
let two people I love

make this terrible mistake.

Maude, give up. They
don't want to get married!

You wasted a fortune on a
wedding nobody's going to attend.

You invited the "New York
Times" to Tuckahoe for nothing,

you bought tickets to an expensive
honeymoon cruise that no one's gonna take

and I've got two
cars and tow truck

piled up on my front lawn!

Walter, I'm not going to let
your nitpicking spoil a perfect day.

All right, everybody,
let's get down to business.

Mother, maybe we should work
out some sort of compromise.

I've already made a compromise,

that we'll get married
in a Catholic church.

I made a compromise, too.

What compromise?

That urn with your
dead husband's ashes.

She keeps it right
on her nightstand.

Oh, I promised
Cyril on his deathbed

that I'd keep an
eye on his ashes.

The poor thing.
His biggest fear was

that he might get sucked
up by a vacuum cleaner.

Now, wait a minute,

I just happen to think if you could
become Mrs. Cyril Naugatuck,

why can't you become
Mrs. Bert Beasley?

I never took Cyril's name!

He let me keep me own name.

You mean Naugatuck
is your maiden name?

That's right, Cyril
was sensitive enough

to know that I
needed my identity.

He wasn't afraid
to let me be me.

Well, he couldn't have
been much of a man.

Any real man would insist
that his wife take his name.

How dare you say that!

There was never such
a man as Cyril Piddle.

(all at a once) Cyril Piddle?

Well, if my name was Piddle,

you wouldn't have
to change your name.

I'd change mine to Naugatuck!

Yeah, but, my name's as
important to me as yours is to you.

My father always wanted me
to be an independent woman,

and I promised
him on his deathbed

that I'd never
give up my identity.

Now, Bert, isn't
that reasonable?

No.

You made a promise
to Cyril on his deathbed,

you made a promise to
your father on his deathbed,

now, Nell, let's face it,

you're a pushover for
a man on his deathbed.

That does it! Forget
about the wedding!

Give me that rice!

I'm going to cook
this rice for lunch!

I don't want this to
count as my day off.

(phone rings)

- Hello?
- Oh, Walter,

if that's the "New York Times,"
tell them we've already left.

Any progress here?

- We're making some headway.
- We're having rice for lunch.

Maude, that was Father Farrell,

he said we have to get
to the church right away,

else there won't be time for
a wedding before the funeral.

Bert, did you hear that?
We really have to settle this!

No.

Carol, Viv, please, go in
and talk to Mrs. Naugatuck.

Go on, keep her calm.

Above all, don't let
her cook that rice.

Now, Bert,

do you love Mrs. Naugatuck?

Of course I do.

Well, then, Bert, how can your
risk losing her because of a name?

It's a matter of manly pride.

My name is all I have to give.

Bert, Mrs. Naugatuck doesn't
want you to stop being a man.

She just wants to keep her
own identity as a woman.

Oh, maybe so, but... no.

I'm too old to risk
making a mistake.

Oh, Bert, the only
mistake you can make is

to throw away this
chance for happiness.

What?

- Walter, Arthur, tell him.
- (both) What?

You see, they agree.

Now, Bert, Bert, Bert,
these are your golden years.

Now, you don't want to live out

your remaining days
in loneliness and regret.

But when Beasley
men have doubts,

they don't just
rush into marriage.

Bert, these are
your autumn years.

Bert, the days
are growing short.

You don't have time
to play a waiting game.

♪ And the days dwindle down ♪

♪ To a precious few ♪

♪ September, November ♪

♪ And these few ♪

♪ Precious days ♪

♪ I'll spend with you ♪

♪ These golden days... ♪

I'll marry Nell today!

Stay here, I'll be right back.

Oh, what a wonderful
woman that Mrs. Findlay is.

- She sure is.
- The best.

She's so intelligent, so wise.

But you know, there's one thing

about her I just
don't understand.

What's that?

How could anyone
that sensitive stoop

to a hokey trick like
the "September Song?"

(Maude) ♪ And the
days dwindle down ♪

♪ To a precious few ♪

(Mrs. Naugatuck) Enough! Enough!

- Oh, Bert!
- Oh, Nell! Dear, Nell.

I told you everything
would work out.

- Who won the fight
over the last name?
- Vivian.

Don't worry, Mrs. Findlay.

I can't fight this anymore.

Here, Bert.

Bert, I've always been a
very independent woman,

but I love you more
than I love my identity.

And, if you think

you won't be a man
unless I take your name,

then I'll take your name.

And you'll be the
man in the family.

So I'll leave the
decision up to you.

Well, love, I'm glad
you came to your senses

because if this is going
to be a happy marriage,

you will have to understand
who the man of the house is.

You have to know who
makes the decisions.

Now, let's get to the church,

Mrs. Naugatuck.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Oh, it sounds nice
for the last time.

What do you mean the last time?

You're going to keep your name.

Bert! You don't mean it?

I do. I'm the man of the
house and that is my decision.

Oh, you Beasley men,
you're so masterful!

(phone rings)

(Vivian) I'll get the phone.

- I'll get the car.
- I'll get Phillip.

I'll get the coats.

And you thought I
couldn't pull this off.

What are you
talking about, Maude?

Mrs. Naugatuck was smart!

She let Bert be the boss.

Quiet, pipsqueak!

I did it, Walter.

I turned this into
a perfect day.

Well, not quite perfect, Maude.

"The New York Times"
reporter had to leave.

Oh, that's not important.

Yeah, he was called away
on an emergency assignment.

A senior citizens honeymoon

cruise ship is
sinking at pier 59.

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪