Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 9 - Arthur's Worry - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Oh my God, oh my God!

Did you call me, Walter?

No, Maude.

It's four minutes
to five, honey.

What time are you getting
up for your fishing trip?

5:00.

Four minutes.

What can I do in four minutes?

I can go out and break
the four minute mile,

I can sing the minute
waltz four times.

Or we could...

No, what would I do
with other two minutes?

I think I'll just
go back to sleep.



- Honey, something wrong?
- Nothing, just a dream.

Oh,

was it the one where
you run out of the house

without the pants and you cry?

No.

Was it the one where
you run out of the house

without your pants
and everybody laughs?

No, I don't wanna talk about it.

This one is silly.

Oh, and I suppose the pants
dream is a great moment of drama.

Maude, I don't wanna
tell you, you'll laugh.

No, I won't.

I know you, Maude. You'll laugh.

Walter, I swear I won't laugh.

Now please, dear, tell me
what your dream was about.

I dreamt I kissed
somebody, okay?

Is that all?

- You see? I am not laughing.
- Okay.

Who did you kiss? Sophia Loren,

Lee Remick, Ann-Margret?

Arthur Harmon.

(Maude laughs)

I knew you'd laugh!

I'm not laughing!

(laughing)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Maude, you're laughing!
- I am not!

(Maude laughs)

(Walter yelling) Maude!

Honey, look I am not laughing
at you, I am laughing with you!

- I am not laughing!
- (Maude laughing)

(laughing) Well, you should be!

Oh honey, I'm sorry,
I'll stop laughing.

(Maude laughing)

(sighing) Oh. Oh.

(sighs)

Honey, just as a matter of
interest, where did you kiss him?

- On the couch.
- (laughs)

(yelling) Will you cut that out?!
You'll wake the whole house!

(Maude laughing)

I'm 53 years old. I never
had a dream like that before!

Why should I dream
that I kissed Arthur?

It's crazy.

Honey, it's so
easy to figure out.

Look, Arthur's your best friend.

Today you're going on your
annual fishing trip with him

and he's on your mind.

Sweetie, he pulled you through
some rough times this year.

In your dream, you kissed
him to show him your gratitude.

Then why do I feel so silly?

American men are not
supposed to openly express

a healthy affection
for each other,

so it came out in a dream.

I mean, it's simple
as that, honey.

You kissed Arthur
because you love Arthur.

I guess you're right,
I do love Arthur.

You know how long
I've known Arthur?

Since 1944.

Wow, 32 years.

That's a third of a century.

All that time, I never let him
know how important he is to me.

Oh, Walter, that's sad.

It is.

But from now I am gonna
show him and make a point of it!

I mean, listen, who knows how
much time we have left in life?

Walter, that would be wonderful!

You know how I met Arthur?

It was in a serviceman's bar
when we were both in the Army.

(Walter) All the sailors
started fighting all the soldiers.

There were bloody noses,

black eyes,

a couple of broken arms.

Oh, boy, was that fun!

You two were right
there in the thick of it?

No, we were both hiding in
the same stall in the men's room.

- Funny, isn't it?
- (laughs)

Ah, no, honey. I
wasn't laughing at that.

I was thinking what
a waste to dream

you were kissing Arthur Harmon,
when you could be kissing Paul Newman.

But Maude, I kissed
Arthur out of gratitude.

Why should I kiss Paul Newman?
He's never done anything for me.

That's too bad.

He's done a lot for me.

Walter dreamed he kissed Arthur?

Yes.

And, you know, he was
embarrassed about it first.

Oh, I think it's sweet. I've
never dreamed I kissed Arthur.

Why would he be embarrassed? They
have been best friend all these years.

Oh, Vivian, you know men.

They are so inhabited
about this kind of thing.

I mean, they feel they have
to be big, strong, macho types

or else something
is wrong with them.

Thank God we women
are raised differently.

That's right, remember
our school dances?

Girls dance with girls, and
nobody thought a thing about it.

That's right. Do you
know I was 15 years old

before I dance with a
partner who shaved?

Edith Shimley.

Edith Shimley. How did you know?

I cut in!

(Arthur) Good morning, Maudie!

- Oh, hi, Arthur.
- Is Walter ready?

He'll be down in a minute.

Well, I got my new CB
radio installed in the wagon

and I am ready to go.

Arthur, you have a CB radio?

Oh, yes. His codename
is Silver Scalpel.

Isn't that cute?

I would have
preferred Dr. Jekyll.

No, I think CB radios are silly.

Ah, that's because
you're a woman

and you don't
understand the thrill

of trucking down
the old super slab

in four wheeler with
your hammer down.

You got your ears on and
you're riding the rocking chair,

so your good buddies can tell
you when Smokey makes a flip-flop!

That's a big 10-4, Maudie!

10-4, Rusty Scalpel.

- Sliver Scalpel.
- I was just kidding.

- Arthur, would you like
a cup of coffee?
- Yeah, thanks.

Hey, Vivian, while I'm having coffee,
would you load that into the wagon?

Oh, 10-4, Silver
Scalpel! (chuckles)

Oh, that stuff goes, too.

Oh, yeah, right, I got it.

- Hey, don't break it!
- No, I'm careful!

Easy, oh, and take the hat!

Watch the hooks.

- Got it.
- Atta girl!

Arthur, I don't want
you to worry about Viv

while you are gone. She is
gonna have a wonderful time.

She'll be able to
relax, watch a little TV,

take the bindings off her feet.

Maudie, it's too early in the
morning for that women's rights junk.

All I wanna think
about is fishing.

Arthur, what is it you love
so much about fishing?

Cooking!

- What?
- Yeah,

I look forward to getting up to
the lake and cooking the catch,

I just love it!

I have my own special recipe.

- Trout Arturo.
- Sounds good.

You would be
interested in this, Maudie.

You see, you dip the fish briefly
in some water with pickling spices

then you slice it length ways,
put in a few sprigs of tarragon,

three or four,
depending on the fish.

You preheat your frying
pan and put in your butter.

Now, and this is critical,

just when the butter
starts to bubble,

- but before it turns brown...
- Who cares, Arthur?!

Maudie, I'm surprised at you.

Down at the hospital, the doctors and
the nurses are fighting for my recipes!

While the patients are
fighting for their lives.

I'll go get Walter.

Well, I think I loaded
everything you're gonna need.

Did you put in my
pickling spices?

Yes, I put them right next to your
galloping gourmet barbecue shoes.

Oh, good.

(chuckles) Arthur,
it's the sweetest thing.

Last night, Walter
dreamed that...

Oh, maybe I better not tell you.

Why not?

Well, you might not
take it in the right way.

Why wouldn't I take
it in the right way?

Because you're a man and you
never had to dance with Edith Shimley.

Vivian, what are talking about?

Oh, all right. Well,
Walter dreamed that...

he was sitting with
you on a couch and...

he kissed you.

Is that all?

I think that's all. Maude
didn't mention anything else.

Vivian, what made you
think that might bother me?

Because Maude was talking about the
need to be big and strong and macho.

Why does Maude feel she has
to be big and strong and macho?

Not Maude, you men! (chuckles)

Oh, some men,
Vivian, but not me.

Fortunately, I studied enough
psychology to understand these things.

You see, a lot of guys
would get very disturbed

if another man had a
dream like that about him.

They would start to doubt
their own masculinity.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, sure!

They get very nervous.

Even if a guy just brushed up
against him, they get uptight.

Now, psychiatrists call
that masculinity panic.

Fortunately, I've
never had the problem

and I never will.

Listen, while you're
up there fishing...

Oh, fishing is a very
good example, Vivian!

You see, supposing one
of these guys goes fishing.

He would think he had
to catch the biggest fish

to prove is manhood.

He'd think that was important.

- That's silly.
- Of course.

The size of the fish doesn't
matter, it's how you cook it.

Well, we know you don't have
to worry about your manhood.

You proved that last night.

I sure did!

I got those Pres-to-Logs
started with one match, didn't I?

- Arthur!
- (Arthur) Hey,
good morning, Walter!

Arthur, old buddy, here we go
again on another great fishing trip!

Boy, we are gonna have
fun, or are we gonna have fun?

We always have fun
when we go fishing, Walter.

Right.

- Well, goodbye, Maude.
- Honey, have a wonderful time!

Come on, Silver
Scalpel, let's move.

(Vivian) Bye-bye, Arthur.

Oh!

Oh boy, they are really
biting out there, Mrs. Shubeck!

Are they ever!

Ah, that's nice! You know, I'm
always glad to have you boys up here

because you leave the
cabin just as neat as a pin.

- We like to help out.
- What do you mean "we"?

You're a slob, Walter. I'm
the guy who keeps things tidy.

Good for you, Dr. Harmon!
You're not like other men.

You're a good housekeeper.

- Thank you!
- Have a good time, boys!

That guy at the
bait shack was right.

Boy, those night crawlers
are really something.

Those fish couldn't
wait to get on our hooks!

Actually, I'm not a housekeeper.

In the army, we called
it policing the area.

I was in the army, Walter.

I was with you.

Oh, right. (chuckles)

Arthur,

will you look at those guys?

We got ourselves a couple
of beauties, buddy boy.

I'll say.

Why don't we have
mine for lunch?

Just a second, Walter.
That one's not yours,

it's mine.

Oh, geez, I am pretty
sure it's mine, Arthur.

I put it on the left
side of the creel.

Well, you must have
turned the creel around.

That's mine.

How can you tell?

Well,

not that it makes
any difference, Walter,

but I happen to notice
that the fish I caught

was bigger than
the fish you caught.

Okay, what difference
does it make?

Here, you take the bigger
fish if it's important to you.

Important? No! It's
not important, Walter.

I'm the last guy in the world
who has to catch a biggest fish.

- Good.
- Here, you take this fish.

- Thanks.
- And I'll cook the little one
that one you caught.

Fine.

(chuckles) Arthur.

You know, this our 19th
year in a row at the lake

and we always have a great time.

You are one of the best
buddies a guy could have.

I just want you to know that.

Well, thank you, Walter.

I am gonna turn on the radio, see if
I can get the weather for tomorrow.

You know, Walter, I
am glad you feel that way

because,

I never told you this before, but
you are the best friend I ever had.

In a lot of ways, I'm
closer to you than Vivian.

♪ I had the craziest dream ♪

♪ Last night ♪

♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ I never dreamed it could be ♪

♪ Yet there you were ♪

♪ In love with me ♪

♪ I found your
lips close to mine,

♪ So I kissed you... ♪

What the hell did you do that
for? I wanted to hear the weather!

What if it's going to
rain this afternoon?

Who cares?

I came up here to fish,
I'm gonna be out there

come rain or shine,
catching the big ones.

Okay, fine.

Hey, Arthur,

why don't you make
Trout Arturo? I love that.

Just what I had in mind!

Great!

Arthur, you know?

You are one terrific cook.

- Oh.
- Yeah!

I mean Most guys
won't go near a kitchen.

I tell people when I go
up to the lake with Arthur,

it's like spending a
weekend with Julia Child.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Why should I do all the cooking?

Arthur, you love to cook!

You even told me you used to
help your mother bake cookies.

That was after I came
in from playing football,

tackled on a cement driveway.

Now, hold it, Arthur. Something's
bothering you. What is it?

It's nothing. I'm
just a little over tired.

- Uh?
- I got up very early.

I did all the driving.

It was very hard landing
that big fish that I caught.

Maybe I'll just have a nap.

That's a good idea.
We can eat later.

I'll move that bunk bed closer to
window so I can get some fresh air.

I'll give you a hand.

No, never mind.

- I can do it alone.
- Are you sure?

It's pretty heavy.

Walter,

I can move a bunk bed.

Arthur, you can't move that bed.

Yes, I can!

Arthur, believe me, you are
never gonna move that bed.

Alright, Walter, let's get
this thing out in the open.

Why don't you think
I can move that bed?

What's the reason? Why? Why?

It's bolted to the floor.

You knew that all the time?!

Why didn't you tell me?

You let me make a
damn fool of myself!

Arthur, come on now.
What's wrong with you?

You're acting like
an hysterical woman!

I suppose you think it's
funny to break your back...

A hysterical woman?!

(yelling) A hysterical woman?!

I can jog three miles,

I can do 52 pushups,

I can touch my toes without bending
my knees. You call that a woman?!

- Arthur.
- I can, I can...

Here,

here.

Does that look like a woman?

Huh?

(Arthur) Look at that.

Right the half.

Oh, wait a second!
Oh, Arthur, listen!

By any chance, did someone
tell you about my dream?

The one where you run out of
the house without your pants?

Come on, let's talk
about this, Arthur.

- Stand on your feet.
- Why don't you stand
on your head, sissy?

Come on, Arthur!

- Now, who told you about
the dream? Was it Maude?
- No.

Vivian told me because
she's my wife and she loves me

and I love her
because she's a woman.

I loved my first wife
and she's a woman, too.

I love my wife, too.

Well then, you better stop having
those kinky dreams and straighten out.

Wait a minute, Arthur,

do you think...

I mean, because of my dream,

you have to worry about
me? Is that what you think?

No, I'm not worried about you.

What the hell? You
caught the biggest fish.

Then why are you so
upset? It's just a dumb dream.

Yeah, but why do you have
your dumb dreams about me?

You know plenty of other men.

What is it about me?

Arthur,

- I'll tell you what it is.
- Is it...

My long eyelashes?

Or my face?

I know, my face
is too sensitive.

- No, Arthur, it's...
- Is it...

I know!

The little dimple in my chin.

No, it's not the
dimple in your chin

and it's not your sensitive face

and it's not your
long eyelashes.

But those are my best features.

Arthur, will you let me explain?

Look, this year has
been a tough year for me

and I've had one
crisis after another.

And whenever I was
down, and really in trouble...

My legs?

(yelling) No!

Arthur.

When I was in trouble

you pulled me through
all those bad times.

I mean, you were a real
friend, not just my doctor.

And, in my dream, I kissed
you to show my gratitude.

That was all?

That's all.

(sighs)

Of course that's all.

What a fool.

You know, Arthur,

there is not a man in
America who hasn't had doubts

about his manhood
at one time or another.

It's no big deal,

but we don't have to worry.

I mean, believe me, we're the
same two guys who met 32 years ago

in the same stall
in a men's room.

Could you put that another way?

Look, Arthur, Maude said
something this morning

that really makes sense.

Men think it's unmanly to
show affection to each other.

I mean, you see it everywhere.

Even some fathers are
embarrassed to kiss their sons.

That's true.

My father never did kiss me.

Come to think of it,

I don't even remember
him kissing my mother.

Men should be able show
how they feel about each other.

Oh, I couldn't
agree with you more,

as long as it doesn't
get too mushy.

I don't think it's too mushy to
tell somebody you love them.

No, no, that's not mushy.

Good, because there's
something I wanna tell you.

What's that?

I love you, Arthur.

I beg your pardon?

I don't mean the same
way I love Maude.

I love you as a friend.

- Oh!
- And that's no reason
for me to be ashamed.

If I want to say "I love
you, Arthur," I can say it.

Good for you, Walter.

And you can say it, Arthur.

Say what?

"I love you, Walter."

Say it, Arthur.

Come on, say it!

I like you, a lot.

There's nothing wrong with
your saying you love me.

Well, I am not sure
I like you that much.

Don't be afraid to
say what you feel.

It's me, Walter.

I mean, we've been
like brothers for 30 years.

That's nice, Arthur.

We don't have to have any
hang-ups about saying that anymore.

Right.

And we shouldn't have hang-ups
about showing each other affection.

- Right.
- We wanna hug,
we should hug.

Right, let's shake on it!

Come on, Arthur.

Walter,

listen, old buddy. I
wanna tell you something.

- You're right.
- (both laughing)

Oh, I'm sorry.

I should have knocked.

(both) We were just...

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪