Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 11 - Maude's New Friends - full transcript

Maude and Walter meet new friends through Vivian and Arthur. The new friends seem to like Maude & Walter more. It turns out they are into wife swapping and do not think Vivian and Arthur are the right partners.

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

I've never been so
humiliated in my life.

I mean, the nerve of them,
Arthur and Vivian, our best friends,

just ignoring us
in the driveway!

Maude!

The McGraths are their friends



and the Harmons took
them into their house

for a drink and
they didn't invite us.

What's the big deal?

Walter, if I wanted logic,

I would have married
Barbara Walters.

If you wanted money, you would
have married Barbara Walters.

Walter, I mean,
the nerve of them!

They claim they're
our best friends.

We always include them
when we have people over.

Maybe the McGraths
don't like us.

Oh, please, Walter, how
could anyone not like us?

We're intelligent, we're
exciting, we're attractive.

My looks are going.

I'll be lucky if I got one
more season out of this face.

Oh, Walter, level with me!

Tell me I'm over the hill!

(crying)

Maude, that's ridiculous!

Of course. It's not me.

It's you.

That sport coat is embarrassing.

Oh, Walter, the nerve of them!

The nerve of them!

You know, dull
people, boring people,

they bring over to
our house in droves,

but the head psychiatrist
at the hospital,

that head psychiatrist, Walter,

him they guard with their lives.

Maude, how do you know that
Channing and Hortense McGrath

- aren't dull and boring?
- Oh, please, Walter,

the leading psychiatrist
in the area dull and boring?

I mean, just imagine
the fascinating stories

- he can tell
about his patients!
- (doorbell rings)

(Walter) Maude,
psychiatrists aren't allowed

to talk about their patients.

If they didn't talk
about their patients,

they'd be dull and boring.

Dr. McGrath.

Hortense! What a
pleasant surprise!

We were just talking about you!

I hope we're not intruding.

Oh, not at all!

Where are Arthur and Vivian?

We didn't want to have
that drink with them.

Hortense, please.

We didn't want to have
that drink with them.

So we excused ourselves and said

We were going
over to choir practice.

And then we sneaked over here.

Because we didn't wanna leave without
getting to know you both a little better.

(Hortense) Just saying
hello in the driveway,

we both got good
feelings about you two.

Just saying, "Hello."

Please, please,
come in, come in.

Walter, look who sneaked over

on their way to choir practice.

The Dr. McGraths.

- Without the Harmons?
- Without the Harmons.

Oh, Maude, I've been
so anxious to meet you.

And you, too, Walter.

You don't get to meet many
liberal people at the hospital

unless you spend all your time

in the natural
child birth clinic.

(laughing)

You see, Walter, I told
you they wouldn't be dull.

We're not dull.

How about a drink?

Something that won't swell
the capillaries in my nose.

A double Scotch.

Likewise.

Oh, Maude, Maude, I've
heard so much about you.

Protestor of everything,
backer of lost causes,

married four times.

Well, Channing, I believe we
should all do what we do best.

Oh, Maude, I knew
when I heard about you

that you were
definitely primo primo.

Walter, did you hear that?

We are primo primo.

Primo primo, isn't that a cigar?

- He's a funny person, Channing.
- Thank you.

You know, Channing,
I just finished reading

the most stimulating think
piece in the New Republic.

Definitely primo primo.

- It was...
- Maude, Walter.

May I say something
to you frankly?

Oh, please, Channing,

frankly is the only way
we talk in this house,

right, Walter?

Frankly, no.

I like them, Channing.

Oh, Hortense, permit me.

We like you!

- Right, Hortie?
- Right!

Now, about Vivian and
Arthur, we're very fond of them,

they're lovely people,

but we are definitely not
on the same wavelength.

Oh, please, Channing.

There's no need to explain.

I mean, it's perfectly obvious.

They are our closest friends
and they're wonderfully warm,

dear, sweet human beings, but,

well, in a
sophisticated world of

Arpege, Lanvin, Faberge,

they are definitely Aqua Velva.

(laughing)

I rather like that myself.

(laughing)

You are a witty woman, Maude.

Wait a minute, Maude.

You know, Arthur is my best
friend and he's not square.

As a matter of fact,
he's primo primo.

Oh, please, Walter,
you're defending a man

who eats pastrami
on raisin bread.

(laughing)

Oh, Maude, you
are a witty woman,

and a feast to the eyes.

Why thank you, Channing.

Thank you.

Now, about this think piece,

it concerned itself with
the cutback in grants

for research in
parapsychology, and...

Maude, I'm sorry, I'm
interrupting you again,

but there's something
I have to say.

Well, of course,
Channing. Go ahead.

Thank you, Maude.

Maude, you're a
very attractive woman.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.

Now, if that's
chauvinistic, so be it.

But I love your mind,
too, and I love your taste.

I mean, just look what
you've done with this room.

I mean, your sense
of color is marvelous.

The drapes are perfect and
I'd like to go to bed with you.

About this think
piece, you see...

It concerns itself
with cutbacks in grants

for research on parapsychology.

And I...

And I...

- And I...
- You're uncomfortable.

And I'm uncomfortable.

That's not unusual.

Even with now
people like yourselves,

but before we do anything,

we have to find out if Hortense

feels the same way about Walter.

- We do?
- Oh, sure, sure.

- Hortie?
- Well...

Maude, I wanna see
you in the kitchen.

Maude! Kitchen!

Uh, Walter wants to
see me in the kitchen.

Now!

Now.

Would you have any
Kleenex in the kitchen?

I would have
Kleenex in the kitchen.

Can you believe that?

The nerve of them
coming on like that!

The nerve of him.
The nerve of him!

He really was
coming on, wasn't he?

Oh, Walter, Walter,
he's not to blame.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I guess I'm just too
much stimulation

for some people to handle.

My looks are coming back.

Thank you, face.

Now that you've finished
thanking your face,

I want you to go out
there and tell them

that we have plans for
tonight and get rid of them.

Get rid of them?

Get rid of them? Walter,
that would be rude.

Rude?!

A couple of aging crazies
want to go to bed with us

and you're worried
about being rude?!

Walter, aren't you the least bit
curious about what makes them tick?

No!

What is it you want to say?

That you're turned on
because you're flattered!

How dare you!

I am not turned on.

I may be flattered.

I mean, who wouldn't be?

Okay, Maude.

You want to play switchies,
is that what you want?

Of course not, Walter!

Why are you standing there
making them cheese and crackers

when you should be out
there making a citizen's arrest?

Walter, don't you understand?

We have a pair of
bona fide wife swappers

sitting right out
in our living room.

Walter, I have never
seen one before,

except on the Merv Griffin show.

And then I really didn't learn anything
because the transvestite kept interrupting.

Merv Griffin is a transvestite?

No!

Okay, Maude.

Are you trying to tell me that
you approve of these people?

Walter, it is not my place
to approve or disapprove.

I simply say live and let live.

Because, Walter, I am
interested in all people.

All people!

Walter, if two pygmies were
to walk in here right now,

I would want to
know all about them.

What they eat, how they worship,

what card games they play.

Because, unlike you, Walter,
I am tolerant of all people.

Snack time.

(yelling) Carol!

What?

Nothing dear, just keep
away from Channing.

His wife has a cold.

Mother, you're getting
squirlier every day.

You make beautiful
daughters, Maude.

- Thank you!
- You should see her

in the morning,
completely flat-chested.

Oh, Walter, you're a saint!

My nose would go to
bed with you in a minute!

Sounds like a fun gathering.

See you later. I've
got a date with Andy.

Oh, wonderful. I know you're
gonna have a grand evening.

Goodbye. Have a good time.

We will. We're
going to a swap meet!

Now, listen to me, Channing.

Channing, I am a very
broad-minded woman,

but Carol happens
to be my daughter.

Oh, Maude, what
do I want with a child

when you're around?

- Well, I'm sorry...
- I'm looking for maturity.

Buy savings bonds!

Walter, please!

Hortense, Channing, I
don't know how to say it.

Walter is horrified

and I really feel that
I have to apologize

to both of you for
his provincialism.

How do you feel about it, Maude?

How do I... how do I feel?

(laughing)

How should I feel?

I am an intelligent woman,

I am a sophisticated woman,

I am a matu... tell me,

do you ever solo or do
you always work as a team?

I beg your pardon, Maude.

I mean, what do you
take us for, Maude?

What kind of people
do you think we are?

I mean, we're people
of very high principles.

We don't cheat on each other.
We do not cheat on each other.

We have very strict rules.

Our moral standards
are the highest.

We are people of integrity.

We do not take our
marriage vows lightly.

Have you made your
mind up yet about Walter?

Well... I like him as a person,

and he's funny,
but I don't know.

I'm just not sure.

Oh, tell me, Walter,

is there anything I don't
know about you right now

that might prove
to be stimulating?

Of course he's stimulating!

Hortense, my husband
happens to be a very,

very exciting human being.

Are you sure?

Oh, Channing, I wish
I could feel more...

different.

Take my word for it, Walter.

Hortense is full of surprises.

Still waters run deep.

Oh, thank you, Channing.

Oh, what the heck.

I can be a good sport
and go with Walter

if you're so sold on Maude.

Uh-ha.

Maude, I'd like to see you
in the kitchen for a moment.

Of course. Of course.

We need more ice

or something like that.

I think we're in business.

We've found a
couple of live ones.

(laughing)

Hortense!

Don't laugh.

Maude, I want those
people out of here!

Walter, would you stop?!

Look at what we've
learned already!

Walter, they don't cheat.

They're faithful to each other.

They have very
high moral standards.

Walter, they respect
their marriage vows.

Maude, that is not Mr. and
Mrs. Pat Boone out there.

I think it's very
encouraging that

Maude got rid of her
daughter, don't you?

I think I'd better
use my nose drops.

Now that I've made my decision,

I don't want to turn him
off with a stuffy nose.

Oh, Hortie, no man
could resist you.

You are a woman
of sensual allure!

Thank you, Channing,

but most men aren't
as sexy as you are

and some of them might be
turned off by post nasal drip,

you animal.

Oh, Hortie, Hortie,

you know how to use
your womanly ways.

You know how to use
your feminine wiles.

If only you knew how
to use your nose drops.

Oh, Channing, oh, I'm so sorry.

Now look what you did!

You got Primatene
all over my gabardine.

Channing, please, that's
not what I had in mind!

Oh, Maude, you don't understand!

Please, Doctor, please!

Oh, isn't that cute?

You thought I was disrobing!

- You're not?
- I would never take my
clothes off in the wrong room!

- That's bad form.
- Bad form?

Walter, look at
what we're learning.

I mean, they didn't even
mention that on Merv Griffin.

- Another double?
- Oh, Maude.

Don't play with your fantasies,

don't dream them,

fulfill them!

I've never seen anybody do
that before in a public place.

Oh...

Oh, now that side's clear.

I can breathe again.

Oh.

Tell me, Walter,
do you like poetry?

What is this? The
Miss America contest?

I hate poetry.

So do I, at least we
got that going for us.

Look, Hortense, I
don't understand you,

and I don't understand
him, and, most of all,

I don't understand this
stupid game you people play!

Oh, it's got a hot temper.

I love that!

Oh, Walter, you're just like me!

I responded the
same way the first time.

- Remember, Hortie?
- Of course!

It was three years
ago, Easter Sunday.

Three years ago, we
were just two couples,

dancing

intimately.

- You were?
- Uh-huh.

And then Hortie
sparked the idea first.

She did?

Oh, I tell you,

you women are light
years ahead of us men.

- We are?
- When it comes
to accepting new things.

And then suddenly, Hortie
said the magic words,

"Let's change
partners." And we did!

I want to tell you, Walter,
it saved my marriage.

Isn't it fascinating, the variety of
ways you can save a marriage?

Okay, Maude, you want
to save our marriage?!

- It's whoopee time!
- (cheering)

Let's flip a coin!

Heads, you take the
bedroom, tails, we take the den.

Just like us!

Just like us, Hortie,

but remember, you took the
bedroom and I took the kitchen?

- The kitchen?
- Oh, there wasn't much room.

It was a Winnebago.

Maude, don't play with
your fantasies, fulfill them!

Stop that! You know I wouldn't go
with Channing under any circumstances.

Maude!

I'm glad to hear you admit that.

Oh, dear, he's got
a hole in his sock!

Eww!

That's one way to
save our marriage.

- Darn my socks!
- Damn your socks, Walter.

I am devastated, Maude.

I'm hurt. I'm terribly hurt.

You led us on.

You kept us here
way past my bedtime.

See, we should have
gone on to choir practice.

We always meet
kinky people there!

Be quiet, Hortense!

Oh, Maude, Maude, you led us on.

You're nothing but a voyeur!

With all due respect,
Dr. McGrath, I am not a voyeur.

I may be a... peeping Tom?

A peeping Tom?

A cheap, thrill-seeking,
peeping Tom.

Walter, are you gonna let
him call me a peeping Tom?

How can I argue with
him? He's a psychiatrist.

You're a highly
neurotic woman, Maude.

I mistook that for
middle-aged restlessness

and I was encouraged.

Well, that's what you get for
diagnosing without a couch.

Oh, yes, I know you condemn me,

condemn us for our lifestyle,

but I want to tell you
something, Maude.

Hortense and I
are closer today...

I never wanted Walter,
never from the start.

Quiet, Hortense!

We are closer today, happier
today, than we have ever been.

Look, Dr. McGrath,

please, if I led you to
believe that I was anything

more than just curious,
I really am terribly sorry.

We found a way to shore up
an empty, crumbling marriage,

but it worked for us.

- Well, not completely, yes.
- Yes, it did.

- Not really...
- It really did.

It worked perfectly the first few
months, but then you started with those...

Shut up!

Well, you see, Doctor,

Walter and I don't have
to shore up our marriage.

We have an
incredibly full love life.

Inventive, passionate,

tender, all-consuming,
right, Walter?

If you say so, Maude.

Well, all I can say is I
find it very hopeful that

you didn't throw us
out immediately...

That is only a 24-hour virus.

If you change your
minds, call us tomorrow.

The day after
tomorrow. I feel rotten.

No, you do not feel rotten.

- I said I feel rotten!
- You wanna know when
you feel rotten?

You ask me and I
will tell you when you...

And I want them
to call us tomorrow!

I have a fever!

Oh, blow it out your nose!

Not a word of this
to the Harmons.

What were the
McGraths doing here?

They told us they had to
rush out to go to choir practice.

Well, with Hortense's
awful head cold,

I don't see how she could sing.

- Walter, you got a drink?
- Sure, come into the kitchen.

I want to talk to
you anyhow, Arthur.

Remember, not one word.

- He's my best friend.
- Not a word, Walter.

Maude, I always
meant for all of us...

They're wife swappers, Vivian.

All of us to get together
and have brunch

or maybe go out to a mo...

moo... to a moo...

They weren't here five minutes

before they invited us
to go to bed with them.

Movie!

Less than five minutes.

Really? It took them that long?

My goodness, they
asked us right off the bat.

Oh, and they've been such
bores about it ever since,

just hounding us, just hounding

and begging and
begging and hounding!

Wife swappers?!

Good gravy, we didn't know that!

That man is the head
psychiatrist at the hospital.

Some of the sickest
doctors on the staff

are totally dependent on him.

Well, anyhow, I just told them

it wasn't our cup
of tea, that's all.

Those people were in our house.

They drank from our glass.

They wiped their hands
on our guest towels.

I mean, we respect
them as people,

but we just absolutely
draw the line at...

Oh, Arthur, what's
wrong with us?

Why didn't they ask
us to play switchies?!

Vivian! I am shocked.

I'm not going to stand
here and discuss switchies.

We would never even
think of such a thing!

Well, of course we wouldn't,

but it's always
nice to be asked.

Vivian, cupcake,

I think you're very attractive.

Big deal.

Maude, is it just my imagination

or is everybody in
the world going crazy?

You know, honey,
when I thought you were

actually stripping for
action, I was terrified.

I know, sweetheart.

You know, I really
did want to find out

what makes them tick.

I guess I was flattered.

I guess I just didn't want to
snuff out that little bit of attention.

(wolf whistle)

Come upstairs,
stranger, and I'll...

don your socks.

Damn my socks.

(music playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪