Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 9 - Maude Bares Her Soul - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪



Well... anyway, the thing
is I can't believe I'm here.

I mean, me, Maude Findlay,

actually talking
to a psychiatrist.

I... I mean, true, I have
been a little depressed lately,

but, well, let's face
it, I need analysis

like my daughter,
Carol, needs water wings.

That's a little joke,

because my daughter
happens to be built like a...

- Forget it.
- Aaha?

Well, anyway, aside
from a slight depression,

I have everything in the
world I could possibly want.

A loving husband, good friends.

Oh, I must tell you I've always
made friends and husbands easily.

Especially husbands.



Anyway, I'm a perfectly normal,

well-adjusted woman.

So, what am I doing
talking to a Psychiatrist?

Mhm, graduated
Medical School, 1962.

Oh, wonderful. Wonderful!

That would make you, what?

Thirty five? Thirty six?

You're a baby!

I mean, how is a woman my age,

supposed to discuss
her inner most thoughts

with somebody who probably
comes to work on a skateboard?

I'm sorry, I mean, just
because I'm a little nervous,

is no reason to insult you.

Look, don't you
ever say anything?

Aha...

Aha?

That's what I get for
$50 a session, aha?

If I give you 60, will you bark?

I mean, how am I supposed
to tell a total stranger

the most intimate
details of my life?

How am I supposed
to bare my heart?

What am I supposed
to do, blurt out

that I think I've fallen out
of love with my husband?

Didn't mean that.

It's just one of those,

crazy thoughts, that
pops into your mind.

You know, like,
when I was a little girl,

I used to have
this thought about...

About sewing my
mother's lips together.

You're finally writing
something down.

Sure I fantasized sewing
my mother's lips together

and then I asked her
to bite off the thread.

Uha.

But we all have
those weird fantasies,

don't we, Doctor?

I said, we all have
those weird fantasies,

don't you we, Doctor?

Aha.

Another Cig...? Do you know

that's the third cigarette
you've had, since I've been here.

My father used to smoke.

Just like that, he had
the same two ugly,

yellow fingers you have.

I'm not really falling out
of love with my husband.

If you really wanna know
why I'm here, I mean,

I mean, the honest to
God reason I'm here...

Coffee nerves.

Yeah, you see, I got nervous
because Walter threatened

to pour a pot of
coffee over my head.

Coffee nerves.

Well, I am sure he
wouldn't have really done it.

The point is, he threatened to.

And why?

For the simple reason that I
entertained our guests one night

by telling him in a
nice way, mind you,

what a complete ass he is.

He is, you know.

- Uhh...
- You're taking sides?

Anyway, I couldn't help it.

You see, we had
this other couple

over to dinner one
night, with the Harmon's.

The Finletter's,
Larry and... get this,

Punkie Finletter.

I mean, anybody named Priscilla,

who would insist on
being called Punkie...

Well, anyway.

You know what I dislike
most about Punkie?

My husband.

Uh, you should've seen the
way he was hanging over her.

There was more of
his hair in her cleavage,

than there was on his head.

See, Larry Finletter is 62

and Punkie is 25.

It's a May-December marriage.

I think she started
cheating in June.

But anyway, I'm
certainly not jealous.

I mean, there's no reason
for me to be jealous.

Heaven knows, I have...

I have enough men
paying attention to me.

Well, take for example,
my hairdresser, Jock.

Oh and don't be
fooled by that name.

It's spelled J-O-C-K.

Another cigarette?

Oh, why don't I
get off your back?

You know, I find myself
doing the same thing

to Walter these days.

Last night, he was sitting
on the edge of the bed,

clipping his toenails.

I was over at my dressing
table pouring a cup of tea.

Suddenly I heard a clip.

Doctor, what do you
think the odds are against

a toenail clipping
flying across the room,

ricocheting off a mirror,

landing on a nose, and
dropping into a teacup?

I wanted to hit him
right between the eyes

with a meat cleaver!

I mean, what is it
with me, Doctor?

One little toenail clipping
and zap! I'm Lizzy Borden.

What is it? What is it with me?

What is wrong?

- Uh...
- Sure, that's easy
for you to say.

Oh! I know what
it is honey, boy.

I've been married to
Walter for seven years and...

when we're together

I don't hear violins anymore.

What I hear sounds like
air being let out of a balloon.

Ooh, my lips are dry.

Why the hell are
my lips so damn dry?

Boy, I can't believe
this is coming out of me.

Yep, it's me, all right.

I'd recognize that
face anywhere.

The innocent glow of Donna Reed.

And the crisp features
of George C. Scott.

Oh!

Never mind the face.

I looked at myself naked
in a full-length mirror.

God, how I wish I could
repeal the Law of Gravity!

Well.

I'm here, I might as well
make use of the equipment.

Comfy!

Well...

anyway, right from the beginning

Walter and I were just
sensational together!

I mean, whenever he
wanted to take me to the moon,

all he had to do was look at me,

and I was ready
for the countdown.

Now lately, I find
myself falling asleep

on the launching pad.

- Aha?
- Aha.

I seem to be avoiding him.

Oh, poor Walter.

He looks at me with
those sad eyes like,

like, he is a basset hound

and I've just put
saltpeter in his Alpo.

Sweet, little basset.

So, why was it I who
rejected him first?

First?

Why do I say, I
rejected him first?

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking I'm afraid
I'm losing my sex appeal.

Well, let me tell you
something, Doctor.

In six days I'm going
to be 50 years old!

So, let's have a little respect.

What are you writing
down? That, I'm gonna be 50?

Oh, I suppose
that's why you think,

I think I'm losing
my sex appeal.

And that's why
I'm avoiding Walter.

Not true. Not true.

I saw the way he
looked at Punkie.

And nobody walks out on me.

I am the one who
does the walking.

Even when I left home at 18,

it was my decision
despite the fact that

my mother and I had
such a close relationship.

Did I tell you that
in my entire life

we only had one argument?

Started when I was four

and I'll let you
know when it's over.

That was a joke, Doctor.

Ooh, what... I just had
one of those feelings,

you know, what do you call it...
Like when you... when you feel

you've lived an entire
moment over before?

♪ It seems we stood and
talked like this before ♪

♪ We looked at each
other in the same way then ♪

♪ But I can't remember ♪...
What made me think of that?

That was my
father's favorite song.

And I can never remember
the rest of the lyrics.

My father.

You know, nothing I ever did

was good enough or
right enough for my father.

And even if I came home
from school with straight "A's,"

"Where was the A+?"

I don't remember one relaxed
moment in his company.

I don't remember my father

ever telling me he loved me.

You know, Doctor, when I was...

10 years old I stopped
kissing my father good night.

I don't remember why I did.
I just remember that I did.

I know why I stopped kissing
my father when I was ten.

Because he never kissed me back.

Wait, it was even worse.

He never could tear his
damned ear away from his radio.

I remember thinking to myself...

Okay. If he can
throw me over for

"Singin' Sam, the
Barbasol Man" I'll show him.

So I started sneaking
up the kitchen stairs

without kissing
him good night...

thinking that'll show him.

And waiting for him to ask
where was his good night kiss.

And he never asked!

Because he never knew I stopped.

♪ Some things ♪

♪ That happened
for the first time ♪

♪ Seem to be happening again. ♪

But what does all
this got to do with

what I feel about Walter?

I mean, am I even
saying what I mean?

And if I am...

if I am, then

who am I, Doctor?

Who am I?

♪ And so it seems ♪

♪ That we have met before ♪

♪ And laughed before
and loved before ♪

♪ But who knows ♪

♪ Where or when? ♪

Well.

I must say,

I found that little cry
very cathartic, Doctor, but,

if it's all right with you,

my next catharsis will
be Carter's little liver pills.

This is hell.

You laughed.

Now, I know what it takes.

A rotten joke!

Anyway.

I mean, does this process
have to be so painful?

I was sort of hoping
for a fun analysis.

Oh, boy!

Wow!

That flood that poured
out of my eyes looks like

it took my face along with it.

You know, when you
get down to it I'm really...

quite attractive.

What a face.

I love you, my little face!

Now I'm beginning
to look more and more

like my grandmother, every year.

Oh, but that's not a putdown.

I mean, she was
a hell of a lady.

I really adored my grandmother.

Ah, what a flair she had.

What a wild sense of humor.

You know, I remember once
she came and lived with us.

It lasted three weeks.

My mother and she fought
every minute of the time.

And finally my
mother said to her,

"Mother, I've decided
what to do with you.

I am putting you in a home."

My grandmother said,
"Oh? Well, I've decided

what to do with you, too.
I am having an abortion."

Watch it, Doctor, you'll
split your side smiling.

Oh... Oh, I adored that lady.

She made up for all the
hurt, you know, from my father.

Yeah, I wonder what my
next thought is of, Walter.

Oh, did I tell you, he was 52?

Oh, no, stop
writing, stop writing.

I know what you're thinking.

It's not his age I
am worried about.

It's my own.

Oh, my God, Doctor!

In six days, I will
be half a century old.

You know, the road ahead is
beginning to look a lot shorter

than the road behind,

and I can't take it.

Because I love this life,

I love this... life.

I love it, I love it.

Ooh, I just had a chill

thinking of the chair that my
grandmother used to sit in.

She died and...

oh, How empty it became.

You know, that's what dying is.

Leaving an empty space,
where you once were.

Oh, boy, aren't we having fun?

Gee, I wonder what Walter
thinks about my getting old.

So what? So, I lose Walter.

I mean, didn't I tell
you when I first came in,

that I haven't been able to
get interested in him, anyway?

I mean, didn't I say
that I was the one,

who rejected him first?

First?

Why the hell, do I keep
saying, I rejected him first?

I mean, why should I have
the same passion for Walter,

I had seven years ago?

Seven years ago.

Our bed had one meaning for us.

Now, thanks to the new old me

the sandwiches he brings to bed

and the cookies and the
milk and the chocolate cake.

It's become a... A
horizontal dining room.

It's like sleeping at Sambo's.

God, how I love that man.

Oh, he is so adorable.

I mean, he's just
so damned adorable.

What are you writing now?

You're not even
writing. You're doodling.

Sure, that's what
my whole life is!

One big doodle.

Oh, why the hell did I say that?

I'm not in the habit of
putting myself down.

I let other people do it.

Why did I say that?

People do not put me down.

At least, not to my fa...

God, Doctor.

I'm beginning to sound
absolutely paranoid.

I'm frightening myself.

I mean, I...

like to think of
myself as tough.

You know, now I...

Now I feel like a
cowering little girl.

Like I did with my father.

My father. My father, again.

I don't remember one
redeeming feature about that man.

The man never gave me
one decent moment, not one.

May be one.

I remember,

I was, uh,

shopping for a new
coat, for my junior Prom,

And my mother saw one she liked.

Well, I hated it, it was green,

and made me look
like a large bush.

And then, I... I saw this coat.

It had a...

A Persian lamb collar.

Well, it was 2250 more

so my mother insisted
I take the cheaper one

and I said, absolutely not
and if I can't have that one,

then I don't want any and...

I ended up going to the
Prom, wearing the same

ratty, old thing that
I'd worn for years.

And just as my
date and I were...

walking up the
high school steps,

there was my father.

He was out of
breath and sweating,

and he was holding this coat

with a Persian lamb collar.

He'd gone to the furrier's home
and... and pleaded with him

to open the store so
that he could buy that coat

and then he broke every
traffic law in the books

so that he could
get there in time to

give me this coat

with the Persian lamb
collar so that I could wear it

to the prom.

Oh...

Oh, how could I have
forgotten a thing like that?

I mean, what a...

what a sweet,

thoughtful,

loving thing to do!

You know, I...

I think deep down

I never said this to anyone
not even to myself but...

I think deep down
I loved my father.

Oh, how I loved him.

All those years
saying I didn't but I did.

I loved my father

no matter what
he did to hurt me.

Oh, God!

Oh, God, I loved my father!

And I never told him either.

Oh.

I know why I stopped
kissing him good night.

I loved him so much,
I was frightened

that he would reject me.

Oh, no, no, no!

Now I'm doing the
same thing to Walter.

I love him so much
that I'm frightened.

I look for love and...
and then, I reject it

before it has a
chance to reject me.

Shoot.

That's why, I
can't take chances.

That's why, I try
to be so tough.

That's why my
humor is so caustic.

That's why I met you
today for the first time,

and I don't care if you like me.

I don't care at all!

But damn it, I do care.

And I'm not afraid
I don't love Walter.

I'm afraid Walter
doesn't love me.

And I'm not afraid
of growing old.

I'm afraid of growing old alone.

Doctor...

I'm 50 years old
and nobody loves me.

Nobody loves me!

I don't care whether
that's true or not.

That's the way I feel.

Why don't I feel loved?

Ahh. I know.

Because I have to
learn to love myself first.

That's where it
all starts. Right?

Ah, God, I've
read it, I've heard it.

Why did I have
to learn it so late?

Well...

I must say I feel a
lot better now than I...

did when I first came in.

So...

Don't worry about me,
Doctor. I'm gonna be all right.

Just give a couple of days,
and I'll have it all together.

All of it.

Oh, and uh,

in case you're
wondering, Doctor,

I won't be seeing you again.

Good-bye.

The craziest thought
just crossed my mind.

I was wondering,

if I would have walked
over to your desk,

and, you know,
kiss you good-bye,

just a little peck on the cheek.

I was wondering if
you'd kiss me back.

See you Friday?

Maude was taped in Hollywood,

before a live audience.