Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Fling - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Mmm.

- This salad is delicious.
- Mmm.

Oh, look.

There's Ellen Warren.

Look at her, laughing and waving

when she knows we
can't stand each other.



She's such a hypocrite.

Call me.

- I don't believe it.
- Hmm?

Now...

- don't turn.
- What?

Can't fit. No, it's impossible.

- Who? Who? What?
- I'm... I'm not sure.

Mhm. What?

- He's grown a beard...
- Who? Who?

- That... don't turn.
- Who is it?

- That incredibly...
- Huh?

- that incredibly youthful
face looks even younger.
- Who?

Well, who is it?

- It's he.
- Who? Who is it?

Oh, what an
embarrassing situation?

Well, who is that? Who is it?

Your ex-husband.

My ex-husband?

Chuck? Chuck?
You mean, it's Chuck?

- Vivian.
- Is it, Chuck?

- Chuck?
- Don't be so obvious, Viv.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

How clumsy of me.

Where's he? Where's he?

Where's he?

Walking over to
the cigar counter?

What?

Oh, my gosh.

He's so fat!

Those his sideburns.
That's not a beard.

What's he doing in that tuxedo?

Vivian, that's the head waiter.

- Vivian, Vivian.
- Hmm?

Ockchey is here-hey...

Here-way? Here-way?

Ockchey, what a
pleasant surprise?

Maude! Vivian.

Oh! Aw!

- Vivian.
- Aw!

- Vivian, are you all right?
- Oh, yes, of course.

Yes.

Why, Chuck, you're
looking marvelous.

Forgive Vivian, Chuck.

She had a sudden
impulse to count her toes.

Well, uh... May I?

Oh, Chuck. Please sit down.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

Well, well, well.

Maude and Vivian.

Do you realize you two

that it's been two-and-a-half
years since I've seen you?

- Really?
- Oh, Chuck.

You know, I just can't get
over this. I mean, you are...

Dare I say it, you...

You are fascinating, Chuck.

Hairy and fascinating.

Oh.

- Oh, you mean the new beard?
- Ah.

Well, it just seem to go
along with my new Porsche.

Porsche?

You mean, you... you mean.

You mean, that...
That kind of Porsche?

- Mm-hm.
- You mean,

- you traded in our old Dodge?
- Oh, yes, yes.

As they say this days,

I've now got four on the floor.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Maude, you look sensational.

And Vivian, you
haven't changed a bit.

I mean, you are just as lovely

and girlish as the
last time I saw you.

Chuck, stop it.

Ah.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That really wasn't fair of me.

I just happen to hit on one
of Vivian's erogenous zones.

Remember, Chuck, it is
now a no parking zone.

Yes, yes. That's right.

- Well, Viv.
- Mhm.

- How is your marriage going?
- What marriage?

Oh.

Oh, Arthur's a doll.

A doll. A doll.

Well, as long as you're happy.

Oh, happy, happy, happy.

Another zone?

Vivian, don't you
have any dead spots?

Well, Maude, how
is good old Walter?

Oh, he couldn't be better. And
Chuck, you know something,

he would love to see you again.

Oh, well, I'd love
to see him, too.

But you see, I'm in town
on major, major businesses.

As a matter of fact, I really
have to split tomorrow night.

Look, tonight Arthur and Viv

and a couple of business
acquaintances of Walter's

are coming over.

Why don't you come
over, too? Say, sevenish?

Well, um...

- Viv?
- Oh, well, sure.

It's no hair off my chest.

I mean...

That's all right.
That's all right.

Oh, I see my business
luncheons just arrived.

Very, very big oil
man from Texas.

He's very big.

Be you right with you, Abdul.

Waiter, waiter.

Would you please put these
young ladies' check on my tab?

- Oh, well, thank you, Chuck.
- Oh, you're quite welcome.

And I'll, uh, see
you this evening.

Yes. Oh, oh.

What a touch.

Oh, leaping
lizards, what a doll.

He does look terribly erogenous.

- I mean.
- Oh.

Attractive.

And to think...

To think I divorced him
because he was such a loser.

- I know.
- Oh.

I remember, M&M's
used to melt in his hand.

Maude, you know...

you know, all the time
I was married to Chuck

whenever he was loving me up,

I always felt that
he was kissing me

but thinking of someone
else and... and just now,

when he was sitting
here beside me,

for the first time
I... I felt as if

as if I was the someone
else he was thinking of.

You know?

- I feel so wicked.
- Yeah.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Even in a man's world

we women are
allowed to fantasize.

But I was brought
up to believe that

thinking simply
is as bad as doing.

Yeah, sometimes better.

Oh, Viv, you know,

if I had a nickel for
every fantasy I ever had

I could buy Paul
Newman for 2 million 5.

- Paul, Maude.
- Quiet. Quiet.

I'm working out
a deal right now.

Maude, stop it.

How long has it
been now, Walter?

4 minutes and 3 seconds.
Whew! 57 seconds to go.

You think you can
make it, Arthur?

Oh, sure, easy.

I can do that
standing on my head.

Don't bother,
Arthur, I'll get it.

Oh, Chuck.

- Walter.
- Long time no seen.

- Good to see you.
- Gee, it is great to see you.

You look terrific.

Chuck, I want you to meet,
Harry and Ethel Plummer.

How do you do?

This is Vivian's first
husband, Chuck Cavender.

This is our first
time in New York.

Oh!

Mr. Plummer is a big toaster
wholeseller from Kalamazoo.

- Oh, my, my.
- Yeah.

- Kalamazoo, huh?
- You know the song.

♪ K-a-l-a-m-a-z-o-o ♪

We've heard it!

I love it.

Arthur.

Well, uh-huh.

- How are you, Arthur?
- Hi, there, Chuck.

Forgive me if I don't get up.

Well, it's quite all right.

You made it, Arthur, 5 minutes.
What did I tell you, Harry?

- Chuck, how about a drink?
- Why not?

Any, uh, campari and soda?

5 minutes on your head.

You know, all of
you should exercise.

It's good for the
heart, cholesterol.

The old love life, huh, Vivian?

Oh.

Arthur, don't talk like
that in front of Chuck.

We're not even married anymore.

Oh, Plummers.

You must come over here
and try this avocado dip.

Now, listen, Vivian,

you look very
attractive in that dress.

What? This old thing?

Oh.

I feel that I should explain.
This is in a way a reunion.

As you know, Chuck
is Vivian's first husband.

They met when I
was married to Barny.

And then they got married about
the time that I married Chester.

Then of course,
when I married Albert.

Well, the four of us used to go
on vacations together, you know.

And then Viv
married Arthur shortly

after I married Walter.

I know what you're thinking.

Vivian has had a pretty
mixed up life, hasn't she?

You know, Harry. Everyone here has
been divorced at least once, except Arthur.

Right, but I was
lucky, my first wife died.

Oh...

Chuck, come on,
I don't believe that

you never got over me.

Oh, Viv.

If a little silver bell
rang in your ear,

every time I thought of you,

your sweet little head
would forever tinkle.

Oh, now stop it. Stop it.

You mustn't say
things like that.

I'm married...

Oh, what's his name
over there might hear you.

Okay, everybody,
the rumaki is ready.

- What's a rumaki?
- Oh, you'll love it.

Little hunks of liver
with chestnuts and stuff.

Maude, Maude, guess what?
Guess what? Guess what?

Chuck wants me to have
lunch with him tomorrow.

Oh, great. Have lunch with him.

No. But what about Arthur?

Vivian, women have arrived.

We head up corporations.

We fly airplanes.

And we have lunch
with our ex-husbands.

But... but, I just can't
ask Arthur for permission.

And you know,
he's so old fashion.

When I undress at night

he turns out picture
of Blue Boy to the wall.

Then I'll ask him.

Oh, and if you're
worried about Blue Boy.

Why don't you
send him over here,

Walter loves an audience.

Arthur. Arthur, is it all right,

if Viv has lunch with
Chuck tomorrow?

Oh, he's a busy man.

Is it all right with you?

Um, certainly.

Well, then I have no objection.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Arthur, you've been standing
on your head too long.

Why should I worry?

Vivian told me, she has
no respect for Chuck.

She told me, she divorced him
because he's weak and nervous.

The poor guy is a born loser.

Okay, Viv, now you
have a clear conscience,

if you run into anyone you know,

there is no need
to feel embarrass.

I don't think I'll run
into anyone I know.

We're having lunch
in Chuck's motel room.

Vivian, I said we
women have arrive.

We head up corporations.
We fly airplanes.

- And call it off immediately.
- Why?

It's just an innocent little
lunch in Chuck's motel room.

Vivian, when you
feed the lion at the zoo,

you do not go into
the cage with him.

Unless, of course, you're
armed with a chair and a whip.

And I rather think
Chuck might like that.

And with the, uh,
baby Olympic oysters,

I want a really picant
remoulade sauce.

Uh, some cheese, a camember,

Nice runny, soft camember.

You know what I mean?

And um, some Dom
Perignon champagne,

well chilled of course,

and be sure to
freeze the glasses,

and have it all up here
in exactly, uh, one hour.

No, no, no. Gino. One hour.

And remember, Gino,

if the service is
really bull's-eye,

I'll let you cater
all my affairs.

Well, thank you, Gino.

Oh! Vivian? No...

Maude.

Chuck, I know exactly
what you're up to

exactly a fancy lunch.

Probably steak tartare.

- Oysters.
- And a chocolate mousse

- for dessert.
- Camember.

- A fancy red wine.
- Champagne.

You see, I had it all figured
out down to the last thing.

Chuck, I cannot
believe you're doing this.

Oh, Maude.

Now, come on.
Vivian's a big girl.

She is not. She's innocent.

Well, not exactly innocent,
she's... she's inexperienced.

That isn't what I meant.
What is the word? Dumb.

Chuck, you're an
incredibly attractive man.

You can have any woman you want.

Any woman?

Any woman. Why pick on poor Viv.

Now look, I... I didn't have
time to really think thinks out.

I have no prepared speeches.

This is all purely
spur of the moment.

But Chuck, please,

as a favor to me
call off this date.

All right, Maude, for you.

But, what'll I say?

Here, I just happen to
jot down a few notes.

Believe me, Chuck,

you'll like yourself a lot
better for having done this.

Oh, hello. Uh, uh, Vivian.

Uh, Chuck here, um.

I, uh, just called to confess

that I am lounging for you.

- Not lounging, "longing."
- Quite, Maude.

I meant there, uh, longing
for you Vivian, longing.

And... and, because of that

I have to cancel our luncheon.

You are the most irresistible

woman in the world.

But I love you too
much to endanger

your very happy
marriage to Arthur.

However, know this my love,

I will dream of you always.

Okay, I'll see you around.

- How was that?
- Oh, it was wonderful.

Chuck, thank you.
You're a real sweetheart.

Mm-hm.

Oh, hey, what... Maude,

wait a minute. Now,
what's the rush?

Oh, well, I really
should get going, Chuck.

Aw, but couldn't you
spear a few minutes?

I mean, just to sit and
chat about old times?

Oh! I guess, I can spare a
few minutes for old times.

Sit down.

What is it, Chuck?

I was just thinking about
that fabulous cruise.

The four of us took to
the Caribbean so long ago,

remember?

All those crazy songs.

♪ Dayo, Banana, banana, banana ♪

♪ Here again, a banana ♪

So much for old times.

Maude, a moment ago,

you called me an
incredibly attractive man.

Do you really think,
I'm incredibly attractive?

- Yes. I...
- Really?

Well, I... I... I don't
mean incredibly attractive.

I mean, I... I find you

reasonably
incredibly attractive.

I never knew that.

Well, you see, Walter and I

could never quite
figure out a way

to put it on our
Christmas card to you.

Walter, my husband.

It's funny that you
should bring up Christmas.

I thought...

I thought I was
bringing up my husband.

You know, when you mentioned
Christmas I thought of that

New Year's Eve party at
your house four years ago.

You were wearing
this incredibly attractive

orange dress.

Chuck, you don't remember that.

Every fold, every curve.

Maude, you looked
like dessert in that dress.

Oh, I didn't.

- You did.
- I did not.

- You did.
- I did.

Arrrf.

Arrrf?

But at midnight,

when everyone was
kissing everyone else,

I didn't kiss you.
Do you know why?

No, don't tell me.

Tell me.

Because I was afraid of
what might happen if I did.

Shall we browse
through the Bible?

Now, Maude...

you in that incredibly
attractive orange dress

at the oddest moments
in the oddest places.

Oh?

That picture of you
comes back to haunt me.

Oh, come on,
Chuck. You're joshing.

Maude,

if a little silver bell
were to ring in your ear...

every time I thought of you,

your dear head
would forever tinkle.

You know, a month ago,

I thought I had a
middle ear infection.

All the time it was you.

Chuck, you're really a
very sensitive human being.

No, no, Maude,
it's not me, it's you.

You with that wonderfully
sexy low voice of yours.

Oh, come on, it's not that sexy.

Oh, it's like Sophia Loren.

Grazie.

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, Chuck.

That may work with Vivian,
but I have been rezoned.

Not the lobe!

Maude, I want that New
Year's Eve kiss you owe me

and more than that.

I want that fantastic creature
in that fantastic orange dress.

Now, come on, Chuck,
what do I have to do?

Beat you off with
a whip and a chair?

- Kiss.
- I was afraid of that.

- Maude, we've wasted years.
- Chuck, I really think...

Oh, no, no, don't. Don't
think. Don't think. Don't think.

Look, uh, Chuck.

Now listen, there
are times, Chuck,

when an affair
would be just right.

Oh, and this one
would be so right.

No, I mean, if a woman
is unhappily married,

if she and her husband
are incompatible,

then I say, yes, she
should have an affair.

By law.

But, Chuck, if a woman
is happily married

then there's no
reason for an affair.

And Chuck, if there is
no reason for an affair

then... then it
would be immoral.

Immoral?

Yes. Yes.

Now, Maude, what are you...

What's so funny?

What are you laughing
at? This is ridic...

Is there's some... Maude?

Now, Maude, this is an outrage!

Laughing at someone hysterically

in the moment of
extreme passion.

Chuck, I'm really sorry, but...

When you kissed me

I thought of Walter.

- Walter?
- Oh!

Chuck, when I kiss
you, I think of Walter.

But, when I kiss Walter,
I think of Paul Newman.

So, I'm better
off kissing Walter.

Chuck, I'm sorry. But look.

Chuck, I have
a guy I love a lot,

I don't need anybody else.

But I'll tell you something,

I'll always love you
for the compliment.

Oh, you know, it's really funny.

It's nothing like, what
I imagined it would be.

You know, what I mean?

Kissing an attractive
man in a motel room.

Vivian.

Oh, God.

Perfect.

Vivian, this isn't
what it looks like.

Now, I know what you
would expect me to do.

Walking in here and
finding my best friend

in a motel room
with my ex-husband.

You would expect me to

jump up and down and scream
and throw things, wouldn't you?

That is what you would
have expect of me, isn't it?

Huh?

Well, you got it.

You know, I don't believe this.

And to think I came
over here to thank you

for being so decent
about my marriage.

Oh, well, I guess the
laugh's on me, isn't it?

Oh, come on, now, Vivian,
it was totally innocent.

Vivian, nothing
happened, believe me.

Vivian, I'm leaving Walter
and having Chuck's baby.

I just said that to
get your attention.

Now listen to me,
Vivian, I came over here

because I was deeply concerned
about you and your marriage

and that's all there is to it.

Look, this is what Chuck
read to you on the telephone.

But this is your handwriting.

You wrote this?

Oh, Maude, it's just beautiful.

"I just called to confess
that I'm lounging for you."

That's "longing"!

All right. But...
but... but what about

what you said
about kissing Chuck?

Now, well, that is true.

Chuck did kiss me, but,

you know, I have to tell
you something so funny, Viv.

You know who I thought
of when Chuck kiss me?

I thought of Walter.

Oh, poop.

Do you wanna know
a funny coincidence?

The last year of my
marriage to Chuck,

whenever he kiss me,
I thought of Walter, too.

- Oh, Viv.
- Yeah.

Now, wait a minute!

Now, I had just about
enough. Now cut that out!

I mean, who do you
have to kiss to think of me?

- Oh, Chucky.
- Oh, Chuck.

Oh!

- Oh, Chucky - Oh, Chuck.

- I'm sorry, Chuck.
- Oh, honey.

- No.
- Chuck, it's not your fault.

Listen, Vivian and
I were just trying to

make you something
you could never be.

I mean, it would just a fantasy.

But... but... but, honey,
you still have your fantasies.

Well, you have your
brand new lifestyle

and all these spiffy new clothes

and that brand new
Porsche outside.

So you see, it really
isn't so bad, Chuck.

Well, thank you, Maude.

- I'll get it for you.
- All right.

Yeah!

Oh, when?

Uh-huh.

All right, I'll tell him.

Well, Chuck, I guess
it just isn't your day.

That was the manager,

it seems somebody
stole your Porsche.

Chuck. Chuck. It's all right.

Oohh!

Maude was taped in Hollywood

before a live audience.