Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 10 - Arthur's Medical Convention - full transcript
While accompanying Arthur on a trip to Pittsburgh to attend a medical convention, Walter poses as a doctor as a joke at the conference, but he is called for a real emergency when a handyman begins to have a heart attack in the hotel room.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Well, here we are, fellas.
Ta-da! Get a load
of this, Walter.
The finest hotel in Pittsburgh.
It should be. $60
a day for this room.
Well, look on the
bright side, Walter.
If your business trip and
my medical convention
hadn't come up on
the same weekend,
we wouldn't be able
to share expenses.
50/50. Even-Steven.
Right down the line.
Oh, sure. Uh, it's all
right, I've got a quarter.
There you are, fella.
You owe me 12 cents, Walter.
I'll spring for the other penny.
- Thank you, sir.
- Don't mention it.
Ah, say fella, now
my friend and I
are gonna be in town
for a couple of days, see,
and, uh, we'd
like to, uh, ha-ha...
Well, we were wondering
where, un, you know?
Yeah. They're down at
the bar hustling the doctors.
Oh, no!
Oh, no, no, you
don't understand.
See, we're just in town
from Tuckahoe, New York,
and we'd like to hit some
of the hotspots in Pittsburgh.
Tuckahoe? Well, in that case,
the House of Pie's
is open till 10:30.
This knob is loose.
I'll have maintenance
up to fix it.
Okay.
You wanna go to the
House of Pie's, Walter?
Eh, I don't think I wanna
go to the House of Pies.
Hey, we'd better
freshen up, baby,
- we're goin' out on the town.
- What about your convention?
Aren't you going to the
opening ceremonies?
Well, sure, but only
for a minute. You know,
the only reason I bother
with these things at all
is to keep on the good side
of the pharmaceutical houses
so they'll keep sending
me free samples.
There is nothing duller
than a medical convention.
Hello!
What?
Oh, no!
Walter, the hotel's on fire.
Wait a second.
Is that Ted?
I thought I
recognized that voice.
You old son of a gun.
Who's with you?
Boozer?
That's great!
1506?
Well, we're right
across the hall, 1504.
Come on over.
Ted and Boozer, my old
roommates from medical school.
Great guys for practical jokes.
Oh boy, when I think
of some of the stunts
that we pulled in college.
Yeah. I'll bet you
were quite a card.
Oh, I was a
regular "go to hell."
But Ted, he was a crazy one.
I remember one
time old Ted, see,
he got up in the
middle of the night
and he snuck into
the Urology Lab, see,
and he poured grapefruit
juice into all the specimens.
The next day they announced
that 500 student were
suffering from hyperacidity.
No wonder doctors like
medical school so much.
Yeah. Graduation
was a real let down.
Fire!
- Fire!
- Fire!
- Fire!
- Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Come on in!
Oh!
♪ We're the boys of the AMA ♪
♪ We serve the rich and poor ♪
♪ But as we stitch,
you better be rich ♪
♪ If you expect to cure ♪
♪ So, trust the
bunch at the AMA ♪
♪ To keep you well and versed ♪
♪ But we won't cry
if you should die ♪
♪ As long as you get the nurse ♪
♪ Ra ra ra ra ♪
♪ The boys of the AMA ♪
♪ Ra! ♪
Superb!
Ahh, boy! Does this
bring back old times!
Yeah, Twinkie.
Twinkie, you look great.
- Doesn't he look great, Boozer?
- Great!
Twinkie? They used
to call you Twinkie?
Yeah, that's right.
Because...
I was a star.
I used to say that all the time.
Hey, lemme introduce you guys.
This is Dr. Ted Wicker,
Dr. Boozer Bailey,
this is...
Dr. Walter Findlay.
- Uh?
- Yes.
The doc and I came down
from Tuckahoe together.
Well, any friend of
Twinkie's is a friend of mine.
Yeah, hi. What's your
specialty, Dr. Findlay.
Fee splitting.
You know, if that wasn't
so true, it'd be a classic.
Actually, I'm in appliances.
Appliances.
Appliances.
That's one of
Walter's favorite jokes.
He's a cardiologist.
Yeah. You know, if
we can't fix it here,
we'll have to take
it back to the shop.
I'm an orthopedic man.
Yeah, I get all the breaks.
Yeah, and Boozer...
Boozer here is a GP,
an OB and an SOB.
Specialist On Booze.
Well, actually, I'm
Tuckahoe's leading specialist
in heart transplants.
I take out the old ones
and stick in the new ones.
I'm a ticker sticker.
Yeah.
Say, uh... uh...
you guys, still do a lot of
thermadol bypass operations?
Thermadol by...
All the time.
Aha.
- Hey, look at the time.
- Oh, yeah...
We better get downstairs.
Go ahead. We'll
be down in a minute.
Oh, this is the
old bachelors trick.
The loose door knob gag. Aha!
Still the same old
"go to hell" Twinkie.
I bet the bellboy
forgot to report it.
Oh, room clerk,
listen, the doorknob
is broken in room 1504.
Would you send some
up to fix it, please?
Look, I don't want any
excuses, this is Dr. Findlay!
What if I got called
on an emergency.
I'm sorry, Dr. Findlay.
We're very busy tonight.
One of your crew threw
soap tips in to the fish pond.
And another one draped the
lobby chandelier with toilet paper.
I'll get someone up
there as soon as I can.
Okay, but make it snappy.
- Oh, see you later, Doc.
- So long, Doc.
- Ops.
- Hey, don't close it.
Holy Hannah!
They fell for my joke.
They really think
you're a Doctor.
I love pulling one
on those two goofers.
Walter, you were beautiful.
Hey, by the way,
what's a thermadol
bypass operation?
Uh.
Oh, forget it, Walter, it's
too complicated for you.
Well, anyway. You know, I
always wanted to be a doctor,
but why did you have to
make me a heart specialist?
I kinda thought I'd
like to be a pediatrician.
- Yeah? You like kids?
- No, young mothers.
Which reminds me.
- I gotta call Maude.
- Okay.
I'll see you later...
Doc.
We use all these
creams and things.
Popular beauty magazine
guarantees this
treatment will work.
I know, Vivian.
Well, after this
facial, I'll look at least
20 minutes younger.
Give me your finger here.
Now, I know this is
unusual but it says right here
"It causes enough inflammation
to create a slight swelling
"just enough to stretch the
skin and reduce the wrinkles
on your face for an evening".
Oh, well, if we're gonna
get rid of our wrinkles,
you better have a
good supply in stock.
What is it?
Preparation H.
Hello!
Walter!
Honey, you'll never guess
where I'm putting
your preparation H.
Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya.
I just pulled the greatest
practical joke, Maude.
Well, actually
it's Arthur's idea
and he really
should get the credit.
But all of his buddies
here think I'm a doctor.
They think I'm Dr. Findlay!
Vivian, the moon drop balm.
Honey, that's wonderful.
I'm so glad you're
having a good time,
playing doctor with
your little friends.
Maude, it's a millions laughs.
Hold on a minute.
Come in!
You got something
in here, needs fixing?
Yeah.
I'll call you back, Maude.
It's the doorknob. It
keeps coming loose.
Oh!
Well, let's see
what's wrong now.
You're one of them doctors
here at the convention, huh?
Oh! You mean, you can
tell just by looking at me
that I'm a doctor?
Yeah!
You guys are sure raising
hell in this hotel, aren't ya?
Well, maybe some
of the boys are,
but most of us are interested
in saving human lives.
Oh...
That's so nice.
You know, most people today...
Oh!
- What's the matter?
- Oh!
- Doctor!
- What's that matter?
- Doctor...
- What is it?
- Oww...
- Wh-wh... what is it?
Ow! Oww...
- What's wrong with your arm?
- I'm... Oww...
Oh, my... What are you...
- Ow.
- Listen!
What... what is it?
Something wrong?
I think I'm gettin'
a heart attack.
Help me. Oh!
I'll get a doctor!
You're a doctor!
Take it easy. Take it easy.
I'll get help!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Here, lie down here.
Here, lie down here.
Please, Doctor, do somethin'.
If it's the money, don't
worry. I got Blue Cross!
I'm not a doctor!
You just said you were.
No-no-no-no. No-no-no-no.
The malpractice thing, isn't it?
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, no!
I'm dyin' and I'm in
the hands of a doctor
who's afraid of a
malpractice suit!
You gonna let me die!
You coward!
Coward!
- Coward...
- Please.
Don't panic. Please don't panic.
Room clerk 1504!
Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr. Findlay,
we've got 700
doctors in the house,
but right now
they're all very busy
hitting each other
with bags of water.
Hello! hello!
Quack!
- You're gonna let me die?
- No-no!
I'll get somebody's attention!
I'll get somebody's attention!
I'll yell for help!
I'll yell for help!
I'll yell for help!
Somebody's bound to hear me!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Murderer!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Huh... oh, help!
Help! Help...
Still having trouble
with the door?
It's a lucky thing we
were coming alo...
What's wrong with him?
He...
He...
He...
That's not much of a diagnosis.
This man is dead!
He's a goner all right.
No, he can't be...
He has no pulse!
You wanna listen?
Speak to me.
Speak to me!
Come on, Doctor,
get hold of yourself.
That's no way
to treat a patient,
even if he's dead.
I don't know what I'm
doing. It's the shock, I guess.
Now, there's no
reason to be upset.
I'm sure you did
everything you could.
You gave him digitalis.
No.
You gave him heart massage.
No!
You mean, you
just let the man die?
Just to avoid a
malpractice suit?
No!
This is an open-and-shut case
of man slaughter, Dr. Findlay.
Oh, no!
Look, fellas...
I'm not a doctor!
That might be a good defense.
- Keep saying it.
- Uh, no, you don't understand.
What I'm trying to tell
is, I am not a doctor!
I am not a doctor!
I think, he's got it.
I came here of course
to buy trash mashers.
Now, he's going for insanity.
Now, we've got to take
the body out of the room
until we decide how
we're gonna handle this.
How are we gonna get
the body out of the room?
How are we gonna get
the body out of the room?
- Oh, what luck!
- Oh, what luck!
How are we gonna get
the body out of the room?
Just calm down.
Look, fellas...
Look at that.
Rigor mortis just set in.
Wait a minute.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
The man deserves to
go with a little dignity.
Forgive me, forgive me.
Please, forgive me!
Forget it, he's only a patient.
Oh, stay in your room,
so you have an alibi.
What is this?
We'll explain later, Twinkie.
And what's goin' on?
Where are those guys
goin' with my coat?
Arthur...
Arthur.
Oh, Arthur.
The Handyman just had a
heart attack and died in this room,
and I couldn't do
anything for him.
I just watched him die.
Oh, no, Walter.
I was impersonating a doctor.
Could I get into trouble for
doing something like this?
Oh, you sure can,
Walter. Sheesh, boy.
You see, if you'd been a real
doctor and you let the man die,
you'd be in the clear.
See, after all, he
wouldn't be your patient.
- Oh, Arthur...
- Oh, there you are, fella.
I know how you feel.
You're afraid, you're
alone, you're in trouble.
You need support.
I'll call Maude.
You talk to her and
tell her all about it.
It'll make you feel better.
Maude, Maude. Yes, my Maude.
I'll go check with
Ted and Boozer.
I gotta get my coat back,
before they take him away in it.
Maude.
Maude, I'm in trouble.
Maude, a man just
died in my room.
Hey, Maude, I'm scared, Maude.
Oh, I am scared.
I can't understand a
word you're saying, Walter.
Now, listen, I just
put a mud mask on.
So, don't try anything
to make me laugh.
Tell him you'll call him back
later.
Honey, I'll call you back later,
my face is cracking.
I don't think that's funny!
Not funny at all.
Walter is terrified.
Oh, c'mon, Twinkie,
that clown deserved it.
Can you imagine anybody
dumb enough to believe
there's such a thing as a
thermadol bypass operation?
No.
This guy... This guy
must really be dense
to think he could pass
himself off as a doctor.
Oh, now wait a minute.
You can't blame Walter.
Anybody who'd try that
is a complete numbskull.
- Yeah.
- A total jerk.
A first-class slunk-head.
I told him not to do it,
but he wouldn't listen.
You know, this is even
better than the time
Polanski fractured his toe
and we gave him
breakaway crutches.
All right, all right.
You had your little laugh
on Walter, now it's not funny.
I'm gonna go and tell him.
No, no, no, not yet, Twinkie.
First, he's gonna get a
visit from Charlie's widow.
Oh, now, that's not funny.
They found me a widow
hustling down in the bar.
For 50 bucks she's
gonna take time off
from her regular
customers and do this for us.
You mean, Walter,
with a... with a, a floozy?
Yeah, yeah.
Now, that's funny.
Dr. Findlay?
I'm the widow.
Hi, there.
I just saw my late
husband across the hall.
Boy, he's stiff as a board.
Believe me, I am
sorry. I really am sorry.
I... I tried to get
help but, eh...
Listen, Mrs...
Oh, just call me, Maybelle.
Maybelle,
I realize, this is a
terrible loss to you.
You bet your sweet
thermometer, honey.
I just don't know
how I'm gonna tell
our four little kiddies
about how their father,
you know, croaked.
Would you like a drink?
I never touch this stuff,
but, uh, since this
is a special occasion.
Ah!
Ooh!
That sure does hit the spot
when you're down in the dumps.
Uh, have... Have
one yourself, Doctor.
Maybelle...
I have a confession to make,
a terrible confession
and I don't know...
Oh, honey, honey, calm down.
- You look all nervous.
- Of course, I'm nervous.
Your husband just
died in this room.
Well, that's no
reason to snap at me!
Hey...
hey, look at ya.
You're all tensed up.
You need some relaxing.
I think I can help you...
Oh, hey, that feels good.
Are you a physical therapist?
Yeah, in a matter of speaking.
Y-you know somethin',
you need some therapy.
My regular price
is $50, Dr. Findlay.
Maybelle, I am not a doctor!
Ok. Make it 30.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Honey, you gotta cooperate.
Your husband
isn't even cold yet.
Well, to tell you the truth,
he never was too hot.
Well...
Look, if you change your mind,
I'll be in room 504.
Or 319.
Or in the back of the
UNICEF book shop.
You... you mean you...
you're not gonna stop me?
Oh, please, don't cry.
Dr. Findlay.
Dr. Findlay.
Molesting a widow.
Unforgivable.
What kind of an animal are you?
Molesting her? Is
everyone crazy?
A man just died here!
Don't you understand that?
A man just died here!
Murderer!
Funny.
Very funny!
What's the matter, Doc?
Can't you take a joke?
Get outta here.
Get outta here!
- Come on, get outta here.
- Did you see his face?
Did you see his face?
What the hell is so funny?
Come on, old buddy,
just a little joke.
Aren't those guys a riot?
My best friend...
my best friend does this to me!
Oh, come on, Walter.
You gotta sense of humor.
And you asked for it, you know.
I mean, you should
never have tried
to pass yourself
off as a doctor.
You didn't even know what
a thermadol bypass was.
To hell with you,
Arthur. To hell with you!
Now, how are we
gonna get outta here?
Room 504, just cancelled.
What's your rush,
lover?
Oh!
Well...
I gotta, uh...
I'll get Walter.
Yeah, it's okay.
Walter, let me out, will ya?
Come on, Walter. Be a pal.
You know, you
guys oughta grow up.
Practical jokes are cruel!
The lowest form of humor.
All right, all right!
I'm the House Detective.
Hey, what's going on in there?
Nothing
Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
Officer, As a law
abiding man of medicine
I think you should
know that a sex maniac
has a young lady in that
room and won't let her out.
A sex maniac? Ha,
what's going on in here?
You really should've
been a doctor!
- Oh.
- Hey.
Ho-hoo.
Now, come on, you two.
Now, come on, that's
enough talk about your trip.
That's right.
Is that all you did at that
dumb medical convention,
play a lot of jokes?
Oh, no lambchop. I worked hard.
Hmm, I'll bet.
I did. And I can prove it.
I learned a marvelous
new way to test
people for disorders
of the inner ear.
That's right.
Arthur showed it
to me. It's amazing!
What is it you do?
Well, uh... we can do it.
Look, let's use
these nutcrackers.
Okay?
Hold those in your hands and
hold them right out in front of you.
You too, Maude. Hold
'em right out in front of you.
- Like this?
- Way up. That's right...
Now, your right foot, lift
your foot up and down.
Now yeah, while you hold
those out... up and down.
Up and down. Up and down.
Now while you're doing
that. Keep doing it. Cough.
Good.
Now, as soon as you get
your motorcycles started
we'll go to lunch.
Maude was taped in Hollywood
before a live audience.
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Well, here we are, fellas.
Ta-da! Get a load
of this, Walter.
The finest hotel in Pittsburgh.
It should be. $60
a day for this room.
Well, look on the
bright side, Walter.
If your business trip and
my medical convention
hadn't come up on
the same weekend,
we wouldn't be able
to share expenses.
50/50. Even-Steven.
Right down the line.
Oh, sure. Uh, it's all
right, I've got a quarter.
There you are, fella.
You owe me 12 cents, Walter.
I'll spring for the other penny.
- Thank you, sir.
- Don't mention it.
Ah, say fella, now
my friend and I
are gonna be in town
for a couple of days, see,
and, uh, we'd
like to, uh, ha-ha...
Well, we were wondering
where, un, you know?
Yeah. They're down at
the bar hustling the doctors.
Oh, no!
Oh, no, no, you
don't understand.
See, we're just in town
from Tuckahoe, New York,
and we'd like to hit some
of the hotspots in Pittsburgh.
Tuckahoe? Well, in that case,
the House of Pie's
is open till 10:30.
This knob is loose.
I'll have maintenance
up to fix it.
Okay.
You wanna go to the
House of Pie's, Walter?
Eh, I don't think I wanna
go to the House of Pies.
Hey, we'd better
freshen up, baby,
- we're goin' out on the town.
- What about your convention?
Aren't you going to the
opening ceremonies?
Well, sure, but only
for a minute. You know,
the only reason I bother
with these things at all
is to keep on the good side
of the pharmaceutical houses
so they'll keep sending
me free samples.
There is nothing duller
than a medical convention.
Hello!
What?
Oh, no!
Walter, the hotel's on fire.
Wait a second.
Is that Ted?
I thought I
recognized that voice.
You old son of a gun.
Who's with you?
Boozer?
That's great!
1506?
Well, we're right
across the hall, 1504.
Come on over.
Ted and Boozer, my old
roommates from medical school.
Great guys for practical jokes.
Oh boy, when I think
of some of the stunts
that we pulled in college.
Yeah. I'll bet you
were quite a card.
Oh, I was a
regular "go to hell."
But Ted, he was a crazy one.
I remember one
time old Ted, see,
he got up in the
middle of the night
and he snuck into
the Urology Lab, see,
and he poured grapefruit
juice into all the specimens.
The next day they announced
that 500 student were
suffering from hyperacidity.
No wonder doctors like
medical school so much.
Yeah. Graduation
was a real let down.
Fire!
- Fire!
- Fire!
- Fire!
- Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Come on in!
Oh!
♪ We're the boys of the AMA ♪
♪ We serve the rich and poor ♪
♪ But as we stitch,
you better be rich ♪
♪ If you expect to cure ♪
♪ So, trust the
bunch at the AMA ♪
♪ To keep you well and versed ♪
♪ But we won't cry
if you should die ♪
♪ As long as you get the nurse ♪
♪ Ra ra ra ra ♪
♪ The boys of the AMA ♪
♪ Ra! ♪
Superb!
Ahh, boy! Does this
bring back old times!
Yeah, Twinkie.
Twinkie, you look great.
- Doesn't he look great, Boozer?
- Great!
Twinkie? They used
to call you Twinkie?
Yeah, that's right.
Because...
I was a star.
I used to say that all the time.
Hey, lemme introduce you guys.
This is Dr. Ted Wicker,
Dr. Boozer Bailey,
this is...
Dr. Walter Findlay.
- Uh?
- Yes.
The doc and I came down
from Tuckahoe together.
Well, any friend of
Twinkie's is a friend of mine.
Yeah, hi. What's your
specialty, Dr. Findlay.
Fee splitting.
You know, if that wasn't
so true, it'd be a classic.
Actually, I'm in appliances.
Appliances.
Appliances.
That's one of
Walter's favorite jokes.
He's a cardiologist.
Yeah. You know, if
we can't fix it here,
we'll have to take
it back to the shop.
I'm an orthopedic man.
Yeah, I get all the breaks.
Yeah, and Boozer...
Boozer here is a GP,
an OB and an SOB.
Specialist On Booze.
Well, actually, I'm
Tuckahoe's leading specialist
in heart transplants.
I take out the old ones
and stick in the new ones.
I'm a ticker sticker.
Yeah.
Say, uh... uh...
you guys, still do a lot of
thermadol bypass operations?
Thermadol by...
All the time.
Aha.
- Hey, look at the time.
- Oh, yeah...
We better get downstairs.
Go ahead. We'll
be down in a minute.
Oh, this is the
old bachelors trick.
The loose door knob gag. Aha!
Still the same old
"go to hell" Twinkie.
I bet the bellboy
forgot to report it.
Oh, room clerk,
listen, the doorknob
is broken in room 1504.
Would you send some
up to fix it, please?
Look, I don't want any
excuses, this is Dr. Findlay!
What if I got called
on an emergency.
I'm sorry, Dr. Findlay.
We're very busy tonight.
One of your crew threw
soap tips in to the fish pond.
And another one draped the
lobby chandelier with toilet paper.
I'll get someone up
there as soon as I can.
Okay, but make it snappy.
- Oh, see you later, Doc.
- So long, Doc.
- Ops.
- Hey, don't close it.
Holy Hannah!
They fell for my joke.
They really think
you're a Doctor.
I love pulling one
on those two goofers.
Walter, you were beautiful.
Hey, by the way,
what's a thermadol
bypass operation?
Uh.
Oh, forget it, Walter, it's
too complicated for you.
Well, anyway. You know, I
always wanted to be a doctor,
but why did you have to
make me a heart specialist?
I kinda thought I'd
like to be a pediatrician.
- Yeah? You like kids?
- No, young mothers.
Which reminds me.
- I gotta call Maude.
- Okay.
I'll see you later...
Doc.
We use all these
creams and things.
Popular beauty magazine
guarantees this
treatment will work.
I know, Vivian.
Well, after this
facial, I'll look at least
20 minutes younger.
Give me your finger here.
Now, I know this is
unusual but it says right here
"It causes enough inflammation
to create a slight swelling
"just enough to stretch the
skin and reduce the wrinkles
on your face for an evening".
Oh, well, if we're gonna
get rid of our wrinkles,
you better have a
good supply in stock.
What is it?
Preparation H.
Hello!
Walter!
Honey, you'll never guess
where I'm putting
your preparation H.
Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya.
I just pulled the greatest
practical joke, Maude.
Well, actually
it's Arthur's idea
and he really
should get the credit.
But all of his buddies
here think I'm a doctor.
They think I'm Dr. Findlay!
Vivian, the moon drop balm.
Honey, that's wonderful.
I'm so glad you're
having a good time,
playing doctor with
your little friends.
Maude, it's a millions laughs.
Hold on a minute.
Come in!
You got something
in here, needs fixing?
Yeah.
I'll call you back, Maude.
It's the doorknob. It
keeps coming loose.
Oh!
Well, let's see
what's wrong now.
You're one of them doctors
here at the convention, huh?
Oh! You mean, you can
tell just by looking at me
that I'm a doctor?
Yeah!
You guys are sure raising
hell in this hotel, aren't ya?
Well, maybe some
of the boys are,
but most of us are interested
in saving human lives.
Oh...
That's so nice.
You know, most people today...
Oh!
- What's the matter?
- Oh!
- Doctor!
- What's that matter?
- Doctor...
- What is it?
- Oww...
- Wh-wh... what is it?
Ow! Oww...
- What's wrong with your arm?
- I'm... Oww...
Oh, my... What are you...
- Ow.
- Listen!
What... what is it?
Something wrong?
I think I'm gettin'
a heart attack.
Help me. Oh!
I'll get a doctor!
You're a doctor!
Take it easy. Take it easy.
I'll get help!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Here, lie down here.
Here, lie down here.
Please, Doctor, do somethin'.
If it's the money, don't
worry. I got Blue Cross!
I'm not a doctor!
You just said you were.
No-no-no-no. No-no-no-no.
The malpractice thing, isn't it?
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, no!
I'm dyin' and I'm in
the hands of a doctor
who's afraid of a
malpractice suit!
You gonna let me die!
You coward!
Coward!
- Coward...
- Please.
Don't panic. Please don't panic.
Room clerk 1504!
Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr. Findlay,
we've got 700
doctors in the house,
but right now
they're all very busy
hitting each other
with bags of water.
Hello! hello!
Quack!
- You're gonna let me die?
- No-no!
I'll get somebody's attention!
I'll get somebody's attention!
I'll yell for help!
I'll yell for help!
I'll yell for help!
Somebody's bound to hear me!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Murderer!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Huh... oh, help!
Help! Help...
Still having trouble
with the door?
It's a lucky thing we
were coming alo...
What's wrong with him?
He...
He...
He...
That's not much of a diagnosis.
This man is dead!
He's a goner all right.
No, he can't be...
He has no pulse!
You wanna listen?
Speak to me.
Speak to me!
Come on, Doctor,
get hold of yourself.
That's no way
to treat a patient,
even if he's dead.
I don't know what I'm
doing. It's the shock, I guess.
Now, there's no
reason to be upset.
I'm sure you did
everything you could.
You gave him digitalis.
No.
You gave him heart massage.
No!
You mean, you
just let the man die?
Just to avoid a
malpractice suit?
No!
This is an open-and-shut case
of man slaughter, Dr. Findlay.
Oh, no!
Look, fellas...
I'm not a doctor!
That might be a good defense.
- Keep saying it.
- Uh, no, you don't understand.
What I'm trying to tell
is, I am not a doctor!
I am not a doctor!
I think, he's got it.
I came here of course
to buy trash mashers.
Now, he's going for insanity.
Now, we've got to take
the body out of the room
until we decide how
we're gonna handle this.
How are we gonna get
the body out of the room?
How are we gonna get
the body out of the room?
- Oh, what luck!
- Oh, what luck!
How are we gonna get
the body out of the room?
Just calm down.
Look, fellas...
Look at that.
Rigor mortis just set in.
Wait a minute.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
The man deserves to
go with a little dignity.
Forgive me, forgive me.
Please, forgive me!
Forget it, he's only a patient.
Oh, stay in your room,
so you have an alibi.
What is this?
We'll explain later, Twinkie.
And what's goin' on?
Where are those guys
goin' with my coat?
Arthur...
Arthur.
Oh, Arthur.
The Handyman just had a
heart attack and died in this room,
and I couldn't do
anything for him.
I just watched him die.
Oh, no, Walter.
I was impersonating a doctor.
Could I get into trouble for
doing something like this?
Oh, you sure can,
Walter. Sheesh, boy.
You see, if you'd been a real
doctor and you let the man die,
you'd be in the clear.
See, after all, he
wouldn't be your patient.
- Oh, Arthur...
- Oh, there you are, fella.
I know how you feel.
You're afraid, you're
alone, you're in trouble.
You need support.
I'll call Maude.
You talk to her and
tell her all about it.
It'll make you feel better.
Maude, Maude. Yes, my Maude.
I'll go check with
Ted and Boozer.
I gotta get my coat back,
before they take him away in it.
Maude.
Maude, I'm in trouble.
Maude, a man just
died in my room.
Hey, Maude, I'm scared, Maude.
Oh, I am scared.
I can't understand a
word you're saying, Walter.
Now, listen, I just
put a mud mask on.
So, don't try anything
to make me laugh.
Tell him you'll call him back
later.
Honey, I'll call you back later,
my face is cracking.
I don't think that's funny!
Not funny at all.
Walter is terrified.
Oh, c'mon, Twinkie,
that clown deserved it.
Can you imagine anybody
dumb enough to believe
there's such a thing as a
thermadol bypass operation?
No.
This guy... This guy
must really be dense
to think he could pass
himself off as a doctor.
Oh, now wait a minute.
You can't blame Walter.
Anybody who'd try that
is a complete numbskull.
- Yeah.
- A total jerk.
A first-class slunk-head.
I told him not to do it,
but he wouldn't listen.
You know, this is even
better than the time
Polanski fractured his toe
and we gave him
breakaway crutches.
All right, all right.
You had your little laugh
on Walter, now it's not funny.
I'm gonna go and tell him.
No, no, no, not yet, Twinkie.
First, he's gonna get a
visit from Charlie's widow.
Oh, now, that's not funny.
They found me a widow
hustling down in the bar.
For 50 bucks she's
gonna take time off
from her regular
customers and do this for us.
You mean, Walter,
with a... with a, a floozy?
Yeah, yeah.
Now, that's funny.
Dr. Findlay?
I'm the widow.
Hi, there.
I just saw my late
husband across the hall.
Boy, he's stiff as a board.
Believe me, I am
sorry. I really am sorry.
I... I tried to get
help but, eh...
Listen, Mrs...
Oh, just call me, Maybelle.
Maybelle,
I realize, this is a
terrible loss to you.
You bet your sweet
thermometer, honey.
I just don't know
how I'm gonna tell
our four little kiddies
about how their father,
you know, croaked.
Would you like a drink?
I never touch this stuff,
but, uh, since this
is a special occasion.
Ah!
Ooh!
That sure does hit the spot
when you're down in the dumps.
Uh, have... Have
one yourself, Doctor.
Maybelle...
I have a confession to make,
a terrible confession
and I don't know...
Oh, honey, honey, calm down.
- You look all nervous.
- Of course, I'm nervous.
Your husband just
died in this room.
Well, that's no
reason to snap at me!
Hey...
hey, look at ya.
You're all tensed up.
You need some relaxing.
I think I can help you...
Oh, hey, that feels good.
Are you a physical therapist?
Yeah, in a matter of speaking.
Y-you know somethin',
you need some therapy.
My regular price
is $50, Dr. Findlay.
Maybelle, I am not a doctor!
Ok. Make it 30.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Honey, you gotta cooperate.
Your husband
isn't even cold yet.
Well, to tell you the truth,
he never was too hot.
Well...
Look, if you change your mind,
I'll be in room 504.
Or 319.
Or in the back of the
UNICEF book shop.
You... you mean you...
you're not gonna stop me?
Oh, please, don't cry.
Dr. Findlay.
Dr. Findlay.
Molesting a widow.
Unforgivable.
What kind of an animal are you?
Molesting her? Is
everyone crazy?
A man just died here!
Don't you understand that?
A man just died here!
Murderer!
Funny.
Very funny!
What's the matter, Doc?
Can't you take a joke?
Get outta here.
Get outta here!
- Come on, get outta here.
- Did you see his face?
Did you see his face?
What the hell is so funny?
Come on, old buddy,
just a little joke.
Aren't those guys a riot?
My best friend...
my best friend does this to me!
Oh, come on, Walter.
You gotta sense of humor.
And you asked for it, you know.
I mean, you should
never have tried
to pass yourself
off as a doctor.
You didn't even know what
a thermadol bypass was.
To hell with you,
Arthur. To hell with you!
Now, how are we
gonna get outta here?
Room 504, just cancelled.
What's your rush,
lover?
Oh!
Well...
I gotta, uh...
I'll get Walter.
Yeah, it's okay.
Walter, let me out, will ya?
Come on, Walter. Be a pal.
You know, you
guys oughta grow up.
Practical jokes are cruel!
The lowest form of humor.
All right, all right!
I'm the House Detective.
Hey, what's going on in there?
Nothing
Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
Officer, As a law
abiding man of medicine
I think you should
know that a sex maniac
has a young lady in that
room and won't let her out.
A sex maniac? Ha,
what's going on in here?
You really should've
been a doctor!
- Oh.
- Hey.
Ho-hoo.
Now, come on, you two.
Now, come on, that's
enough talk about your trip.
That's right.
Is that all you did at that
dumb medical convention,
play a lot of jokes?
Oh, no lambchop. I worked hard.
Hmm, I'll bet.
I did. And I can prove it.
I learned a marvelous
new way to test
people for disorders
of the inner ear.
That's right.
Arthur showed it
to me. It's amazing!
What is it you do?
Well, uh... we can do it.
Look, let's use
these nutcrackers.
Okay?
Hold those in your hands and
hold them right out in front of you.
You too, Maude. Hold
'em right out in front of you.
- Like this?
- Way up. That's right...
Now, your right foot, lift
your foot up and down.
Now yeah, while you hold
those out... up and down.
Up and down. Up and down.
Now while you're doing
that. Keep doing it. Cough.
Good.
Now, as soon as you get
your motorcycles started
we'll go to lunch.
Maude was taped in Hollywood
before a live audience.