Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 6 - Viv's Dog - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

- I don't care, Maude.
- Walter!

No, I don't care if
it is Vivian's dog!

The next time they go on a trip,

let 'em take that
dumb dog with them!

Walter! Walter!

Look, listen.



You are not...

going to hit that poor
puppy with a newspaper.

If there's anything
I cannot abide,

it is cruelty to animals!

I don't need a newspaper, Maude.

I don't need it. Look...

Let me in there, Maude!

Look, what that animal
did to my best tie.

Did he go for one
of my $2 or $3 ties?

No! He bit my Gucci!

There, I bit your Gucci, too.

Now, hit me instead.

I love you too much to
hit you with a newspaper.

But, if don't let me alone, I'll
chain you to a tree in the backyard.

How about a cup
of coffee instead?

A cup of coffee, instead.

Honey.

Honey, you know
you can't hit Viv's dog.

Chuck is 11 years old.

In human terms,
that makes him 77.

Now, what's he doing here?

He should be at a bungalow
of retirement village.

I mean, ever since
they left last week,

I've been very
patient with Chuck.

- And all he's done is
growl and snarl at everybody.
- Oh.

He's nipped me and
you at least twice.

Oh, come on, honey.

You know that Vivian has always

encouraged Chuck to
express his personality.

And while you may not like it,

well, you can't teach
an old dog new tricks.

Which if you remember is

what I pointed out to
you at 2:30 this morning.

You old dog, you.

Maude, I refuse to be
seduced with admiration.

Come on, honey,

now, I'll admit Chuck
is really not a nice dog.

As a matter of fact,

he's probably the most vicious
animal in the entire world.

But, sweetheart,

dogs are just like people.

Really, no matter
how bad they are,

you can always find
something good in them

if you look deep enough.

Okay, Maude, you tell me
one good thing about Chuck.

One good thing!

You know, honey,

in a world where so
many people mistreat pets,

I think it's... I
think it's refreshing

that Vivian can still love a dog

whom we now know to be
the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler.

Here's little Chucky's supper.

Straight from the butcher.

- You owe me $8.50.
- Oh.

$8.50?

Doesn't that dumb dog realize

we just bottomed
out on the recession?

Well, I tried to get him

to listen to President
Ford's speeches,

but they put him to sleep, too.

No, it's chopped sirloin.

Now, I promised Vivian

that I'd get him some
every once in a while.

Hello? Viv!

It's Viv. Yeah, hi,
honey, how're you?

Yes, yes, yes.
Chuck is just fine.

Where are you?

But you weren't due
back until tomorrow.

Ah, you miss Chuck too much!

Oh. Of course he
misses you, Viv.

Of course.

Every morning I show him
your picture and he goes...

That's right.

Oh and Vivian, I miss you, too.

Yes. Bye. See you in a bit.

Oh. Oh.

Arthur and Vivian are at a
gas station on the throughway.

Here, Walter,
before they get here

take Chucky out
for a little walk.

I already took him for
a walk this morning.

Yeah, but honey, he'll probably
get excited when he sees Viv.

So?

So, if he's going
to get excited,

I'd like him to get excited
after he's had a little walk.

Oh, listen.

Now that Chuck is leaving,

can we have his
chopped sirloin for dinner?

No, I'm going to freeze it
and save it for your wedding.

Part of your dowry.

Ooh!

Two and a half pounds
of chopped sirloin?

I can have any man I want.

Oh!

He forgot Chuck's sweater.

Walter.

Honey, you forgot
Chuck's sweater!

Here sweetie, put this on Chuck.

Maude.

Where is Chuck?

Maude, uh,

I don't think Chuck is quite up
to going for a walk this morning.

Why not?

He's dead.

He's what?

He's dead! Gone!

Chuck has checked out.

Died of old age, I guess.

Huh!

Gee, it's... it's so
funny the things that

cross your mind
at a time like this.

For example, right now I'm
thinking how nice it would be

if you could get to
the Bermuda Triangle

by station wagon.

Oh, my God!

Viv! What do I tell Viv?

- You tell her the truth.
- Oh!

He died happy, Maude.

There's a little
snarl on his face.

Walter, you don't understand!

How do I tell my dearest friend
in the whole world who trusts me

that the dog she
left in my care is

is, is... I can't
even say it myself.

How do I tell her?

Then, let's not tell her.

Let's just leave him
out on the front steps.

You live with a man
for six and a half years,

think you know
him inside and out,

like that you find out

you're married to the
"Swimming star of Jaws"!

Okay, Maude, then tell
her anything you want.

Tell her that Chuck is on
that big gravy train to heaven!

It's only a dog.

He is not a dog to Vivian!

To Vivian, he is her baby!

She is going to
blame me for this,

and she'll be right.
It's all my fault.

What are you talking about?

I should never have agreed to let
Chuck sleep in the den last night.

He should've slept up
in the bedroom with us!

I mean, maybe he would've
coughed or done something

to let us know that he was ill.

Maude.

When we're together in a
moment of extreme privacy,

I resent having my ear
licked by a Fox Terrier.

Come on, he was 77 years old.

He died of old age.

You always have an
excuse for your lust.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm afraid I have some
rather bad news about Chuck.

What's that vicious
beast done now?

He's died.

Oh no, it's the good that young.

Oh, God bless him.

Oh, poor Mrs. Harmon.

I know, I know.

How am I going to tell her?

Gently, of course.

Maybe we could
break it to her gradually.

Gradually?

Gradually!

Walter, what're you laughing?
Oh, good God, Walter.

Maude, I'm not laughing
at Chuck's death.

But what she just said about
breaking the news gradually

reminds me of a
classic old joke,

and it's this situation exactly.

A joke, Walter?

- What are you talking about?
- Let me tell you the joke.

A man went away on a trip,

and he left this
cat with his brother.

And the man used
to call every night

to find out how the cat was.

So, one night he called,
he said, "How's my cat?"

And the brother said,

"The cat got hit
by a car and died."

And the man got
furious with his brother,

because he explained
the news so bluntly.

So the brother said, "How
should I have told you?"

Then the man said,
"Well, when I called,

"you could've said,
'The cat's on the roof

"and we can't get it down.'

"Then the next
day when I called,

"you could've said,
'The cat fell off the roof,

"but, the vet's trying
to patch him up.'

"And then the third
day when I called,

"you could've said,
'The cat passed away.'

"And that way,

I would've been prepared
for it, don't you see?"

Well, the brother apologized
for being so thoughtless.

Then the man said, "Okay, okay.

By the way, how's mom?"

And the brother said,

'Mom's on the roof and
we can't get her down.'"

Oh, Walter.

Oh, Wal... Mrs. Naugatuck,

I mean, this is
hardly the time for a...

Oh. Oh, I-I-I hate you for this.

I hate myself.

Oh, sweetheart.

Weren't you worrying too much?

Oh, I guess so.

"Mom's on the roof and
we can't get her down."

Excuse me, Mr. Findlay.

But did poor Chuck

pay a visit to the
backyard this morning?

Aha.

Then I shall go and pay

my final tribute to him.

For the last time

I shall use his super-duper,
pooper-scooper.

Are you okay?

Oh-huh-oh, I guess so.

I mean, now that
the shock is over.

I'm fine.

Don't let her in!

If it's Vivian,
you've gotta tell her.

Hello, hello, hello, we're back!

Hey, Maudie!

Hey, maybe, we can go to
the football game together!

Oh, Viv, did you just
have a wonderful time, Viv?

Marvelous! And I'll
tell you all about it

as soon as I've
said hello to Chuck.

Vivian.

All right, snap it
up, will you, Vivian?

Listen. I'm starving.

You know, she was in such a
hurry to get home to her Chuck,

she wouldn't even let me
stop for an ice-cream cone.

Yeah, we passed 29, 31 flavors.

Arthur, honestly, is that
all you can think about?

- Feeding your stomach?
- Well.

Ooh, I miss my
little poopsy-poopsy.

But, Vivian, I...

Just look at this,
Maude. Look, look, look,

at the little present
I bought Chuck.

It's a little raincoat
and four little galoshes.

Oh, I just hope
they're not too big.

You know, Chuck's not
gonna grow anymore.

How true.

I think she loves that dumb
mutt more than she does me.

Where is my Chucky-wucky?

Chucky-wucky! Where are you?

Look, Vivian.

Vivian, I am not going
to beat around the bush.

Vivian, we're two adults

who can face the truth
and not run away from it.

Vivian.

What?

Vivian.

What is it?

Vivian, I'm gonna
level with you.

Chuck's on the roof and
we can't get him down.

Murderer!

See, how she shouts?

- See, how she shouts?
- Where is chuck?

Chuck is in the den.

Vivian, say something.
It's been two hours.

Vivian, I said I'm sorry.

I mean, I did everything but
get down on my hands and knees

and beg your forgiveness.

Vivian, haven't I responded
to your every whim?

At 1:35, you muttered
the word funeral.

At exactly 1:36,

I said, "This is my treat"
and I called the pet cemetery.

Ah, Vivian.

Vivian, we'll give
Chuck a farewell

he'll never forget.

Well, you know what I mean.

Oh, Vivian.

Vivian, if you could
only cry, just let it all out.

Look, Viv, here,

my best Kleenex
in the boutique box,

I was saving it for company.

Here, go ahead,
honey, use it. I...

Oh, what's the use?

It's like talking
to a bathroom tile!

Mrs. Findlay.

When the person from
the pet cemetery gets here,

I've put Chuck in the garage.

I laid him to rest
in a shopping bag...

from Bloomingdale's.

Just hope United Parcel
doesn't pick him up

and leave us a credit.

Hey, this is a terrific
hamburger, Maudie.

Oh, boy, chopped sirloin.

Hey, Viv.

How come we don't eat like this?

You always serve ground chuck.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, when's Walter coming
back? He's been gone an hour!

I don't know. Arthur, please,

isn't there something you
can do to get her out of this?

Oh, sure.

Vivian.

Cupcake.

Listen to me.

Chuck... is gone.

Nothing can bring him back.

With the possible
exception of United Parcel.

Life is for the living.

Ask anybody.

Here, I know,

have a bite of my
hamburger, that'll cheer you up.

That's all right. Go
ahead, get mad, get angry,

if that'll cure your depression.
Go ahead, get mad at me.

It wouldn't be hard.

Here my Chuck is
gone and you sit there

- feeding your fat stupid face.
- Oh!

That's right, Vivian. Get
it all out of your system.

- Blame Arthur.
- Oh, shut up, Maude!

Back to me already.

Neither one you
of knows how I feel.

- Or even cares how I feel.
- I care.

Ah, leave me alone!

All right!

Vivian, I am going home
to watch the football game

which starts in
exactly three minutes.

Now, Vivian,

I order you to
snap out of that snit

before game time.

Oh, Vivian.

Vivian, I...

Honey, I want
you to know, how...

How sorry I am about Chuck.

I really am.

I'm going to miss the little

'click-click' of his
toenails on the linoleum.

I'll never hear
that sound again.

Oh, Viv, honey,

maybe you can get Arthur
to let his toenails grow

and with walk bare feet.

I was just trying to
cheer you up, Viv.

Excuse me.

Go right ahead.
I'm all right now.

I was just overreacting.
I was in shock.

But now, I'm perfectly all
right. I'm completely calm.

And I shall hate you
for the rest my life.

- Mrs. Findlay?
- Yes.

Mrs. Carlson,

customer relations person,
Perpetual Pet Cemetery.

Oh, yes. Please come right in.

Come right in.

Are you the bereaved?

Um, no, I'm just a
friend of the family's.

Uh, Mrs. Harmon, there
is the owner of the...

deceased.

How do you do, Mrs. Harmon?

You have my very
deepest sympathies.

Thank you.

Uh, Mrs. Carlson...

we would prefer
to have the funeral

just as soon as possible.

Perhaps, in the next 24 hours.

Oh, was the deceased Jewish?

No, he was a Fox Terrier.

Which I guess would make him...

Presbyterian. Why do you ask?

Well, because so many pet lovers

have given their pets
their religion, you see.

Chucky wasn't
really very religious,

but we'll still have a
nice ceremony, won't we?

Oh, yes. Yes, of
course, Mrs. Harmon.

We are an equal
opportunity cemetery.

We take all kinds.

Dogs, cats, hamsters, snakes.

Why, just last week, we
laid to rest a 34-foot python.

A 34...

Where did you bury him,
in the Holland Tunnel?

Now, Mrs. Harmon,

uh, Chuck, I believe
you said his name was.

Charles.

Charles Cavender
Harmon The Third.

Mm-hmm.

Well, Charles will get
the very best of everything.

After all, he does deserve it.

You know, I think the now
deceased American poet,

Nick Kenny said it so
beautifully, don't you?

"Dog" by Nick Kenny?

"When everything
is said and done,

"I guess it isn't odd,

"for when you spell
'dog' backwards,

you'll get the name of 'God'."

That's... so inspiring.
Isn't it, Maude?

It's beautiful.

That should be printed on
every bottle of Pepto-Bismol

in this country.

Poor little Chuck.

I'll never, never forget him.

His tail will always
wag in my heart.

Oh!

Oh, Mrs. Harmon!
That is really just lovely.

Oh.

May I be so
presumptuous as to suggest

that that would make
a beautiful epitaph

on little Chuck's tombstone?

- Hmm.
- What tombstone?

May I... may I be
so presumptuous

as to ask what all of
this is going to cost?

Oh, will you be paying
for the deceased?

Well, it's the least I can do.

She killed my dog.

Mrs. Carlson,

Chuck was 77 years old!

And he died of old age.

I mean, you understand.

Oh, of course.

Of course, of
course, Mrs. Findlay.

The most important thing
is that you're willing to pay

for the burial
cost of your victim.

Now, then, our deluxe,

'I Love Lassie Rest
In Peace' package,

including a polystyrene
moisture-proof casket,

ground burial,

all-weather Astro Turf,

and a black marble headstone

will come to only $250.

Only $250?

And we are on the Diners Club.

Listen, Vivian, I'm
telling you right now,

I know how you feel,

but I am not paying
any $250 to bury a dog.

May I just remind
you, Maude Findlay,

that 'dog' is 'God'
spelled backwards?

And may I remind
you, Vivian Harmon,

that 'macadamia'
spelled backwards is

'Minneapolis'
but it is still a nut.

Wait a minute.

- Macadamia...
- I made it up!

I mean, you're
behaving as though

animals are more
important than people.

Sometimes, I think they are.

That's true!

- Animals, do not start wars.
- That's right.

Animals do not lie.

Animals do not cheat.

There was no Watergate
in the animal kingdom.

All right, all right.

When my time comes,
instead of Woodlawn Cemetery,

I'll ask to be sent
to the Bronx Zoo.

Too late, the buffalo
cages are already full.

Vivian, 'dog' spelled
backwards will get you for that.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

- Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!
- Ladies, ladies!

- Oh, yeah.
- Ladies, please.

When there is a
death in the family,

emotions run very high.

So do your prices.

Well, you wouldn't want the
'Pauper's Package, ' would you?

Pauper's package?

- Plain wooden box.
- Plain, what?

- Unmarked grave.
- Unmarked?

- No, Astro Turf.
- No Astro?

- $119.50?
- I'll take it.

Sign here.

I'm warning you, you're going
to get laughs at the funeral.

Mrs. Harmon,

this will be a beautiful
tribute to Chuck.

Oh, thank you so
much for understanding.

Um, Mrs. Carlson,

you'll find Chuck
out in the garage

in a Bloomingdale's bag.

Oh, I hope I'm not too late.

The last time someone did that,

it was picked up
by United Parcel.

Vivian! Vivian.

Vivian, Vivian, Vivian.

Vivian, look, what
did I brought you!

Oh, Walter!

How could you be so insensitive?

Don't you know I could
never replace Chuck?

- Vivian!
- Oh,

I don't even wanna
look at that puppy.

Vivian, I don't understand.
I mean, you love dogs.

Walter.

Chuck's wet little
nose is barely even dry.

Vivian.

Vivian, what the hell
is wrong with you?

Vivian, for seven days

we spent every waking
moment taking care of Chuck.

I just got through paying
$119.50 for his funeral.

And now, Walter,

who incidentally
felt about Chuck

the way I feel about the
Johnny Mann Singers...

I love them.

Has gone through a great deal of

trouble and expense to
get you this cute little puppy

because he loves you, Viv,

and he wants you to be happy.

Now, you say you don't
want it. Vivian, I have had it!

I have really had it with you.

Nobody who truly loves animals

could be that
insensitive to Walter.

All right, Mrs. Dog lover,

Walter will just
have to take it back.

Vivian.

Walter, I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm
afraid to let myself

become attached to another dog.

Vivian!

Walter, I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Maude.

Maude, I want to apologize
to you for being so...

For being so
thoughtless and selfish.

But you know,

you know nothing could
ever really spoil our feelings

for each other.

You're just the best friend
anybody ever had in this world,

and I'll always love you,
no matter what you do.

All right, Vivian.

I accept your apology.

And, Vivian, I love you, too.

Oh, buddy.

- Oh, Viv.
- Buddy.

Maudie, buddy.

I'll take the puppy now.

Get your hands off my dog!

Nobody is going to take
little Wallie away from me.

Wallie? Now, wait a minute!

That dog isn't gonna
have my name.

- Okay, we'll change it.
- You're darn right.

You can yourself Don or Harry.

- Maude?
- Or Clover or Spodde or Fido.

Fido.

Hey, come on, little
Wallie, cut it out.

Come on, quit kissing
my ear, little Wallie?

Go on, stop.

Maude.

Hey, Maude, would
you call off your dog?

Walter, have you forgotten,

we gave little Wallie
to Vivian this afternoon?

Maude was taped in Hollywood

before a live audience.