Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 7 - For the Love of Bert - full transcript

When Maude finds a piece of paper that Mrs. Naugatuck dropped with an address on it, she becomes determined to discover what Mrs. Naugatuck is up to.

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Stick it out,
girls. Stick it out.

No more pretzels, no more chips.

No morebulges
bulgies on the hips.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Frazier.

It's good for the bustline.

Remember the old saying,



"It's what's up
front that counts."

Sometimes...

Come on, girls.

Put something into it!

Come on.

Oh, good morning, ma'am.

This is my exercise class.

Yes, I can see. It's not
the Minnesota Vikings.

You were kind enough to
say, I could have them over

on my day off today, remember?

Of course. Of course.

Uh, good morning, girls.
Nice to see you all again.

May I have a few words
with you, Coach Rockne?

At ease, girls.

Perspire, if you wish.

Do you realize that it's
7 o'clock in the morning?

I mean, my eyelashes
aren't even up yet.

Well, it was the most
convenient time for the girls.

Why? Are they all having
affairs with milkmen?

Maude, you did it again.

Maude, you did it again!

Maude, you used the last
drop of my Lady Breck shampoo.

I'm sick and tired of...

Don't laugh!

I could wind up with split ends!

Here's $5, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Now, I'm paid up-to-date
for the first five classes.

Five doll... do you mean,
you are charging these ladies?

A dollar a week,
uh, just a token.

It means nothing to me,

but it helps them to
appreciate it more.

Bull! If you're not paid up

she makes you do duck
walks on the front lawn.

Same place next Tuesday, girls.

Oh, at noon sharp.

Mrs. Naugatuck, next
Tuesday is bad for me,

unless you want to
meet up in your room.

What? In that cracker box?

Why, if you got a mosquito bite,

you'd have to step into
the hole to let it swell up.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you've
got to stop stealing jokes

from Tony Orlando and Dawn.

I can't help it, ma'am.

I just love the theme.

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon
'round the ole oak tree ♪

Mrs. Naugatuck,

can't your group
meet somewhere else?

No, ma'am.

No, but it doesn't matter.

This is your house,

I have no rights here.

I'll just have to cancel
the class, that's all.

After all, I'm only a servant.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,

I... I wouldn't have
you feel that way

for anything in the world.

Look, I'm having a
luncheon here next Tuesday.

Would you like
me to call it off?

Oh, ma'am, would you?

No.

I just wanted to see
how far you'd go.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,

uh...

Mrs. Naugatuck, I
know it's your day off,

but I'm going on
a big ski weekend.

I wonder if you
could do me a favor.

Dye my string bikini.

You're going skiing in this?

No, they have a heated pool.

Carol. You know, darling,

I've never been an
interfering mother.

I've always let you
make your own decisions,

and I've always
respected your right

to lead your own life.

But, Carol, for the first time,

I want you to listen to me.

Carol...

Do not dive.

I think I can manage this.

It won't take too long.

Thanks.

You can stop at the drug
store and pick up the dye.

It's called watermelon pink.

Uh, with or without seeds?

Mrs. Naugatuck, you've
got to stop watching,

- Tony Orlando and Dawn.
- Oh!

I can't help it.

I just love the theme.

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon... ♪

Knock it off!

How much money do
you think you'll need?

Oh, I think $5 should cover it.

Well, okay, thanks.

Five...? Do you realize how
much material you could dye for $5?

Yes, ma'am, one
of your string bikinis.

A great white shark
will get you for that.

Now, look, if I were you,

I'd leave while you still
have some of your day off left.

Uh, before I go, ma'am.

I hope you don't
mind, but I wonder

if I could have an advance
of $30 on my salary.

In a word, no.

25, then.

Negative.

Alright, 20, but
that's as low as I'll go.

Look, Mrs. Naugatuck,
this is the third week in a row

that you've tried to hit me up
for an advance on your salary.

- Now...
- It's only $30.

But you've taken $5 from Carol

for a 39 cent package of dye.

You're charging old ladies
to throw their backs out.

What are you doing
with all this money?

It... it's not for me, ma'am,
it's for someone else.

Oh? Who?

I can't tell you.

It's... I'm sworn to secrecy.

Well, if you want the money

you're going to
have to tell me who.

Well, very well,

if you insist upon
browbeating me.

It's for my boyfriend.

Bert?

Yes, Bert Beasley.

Poor Bert.

He's got no money and
he needs a hearing aid.

He's deaf as a post.

I never noticed that.

Oh, that's because he's
been learning to read lips.

But think how sad it is,

not to hear the robin singing.

Oh, the old folks chatter.

Oh, the distance sound of a
sawmill on a spring morning.

Oh, the soft good
nights of little children.

Oh, how sweet. He
watches The Waltons?

Look, Mrs. Naugatuck,
this is true, isn't it?

Oh, all too true, ma'am.

Scouts honor!

Well, then I'm sure I can
give $30 toward the cause.

Oh, you're an angel, ma'am.

I'll just jog upstairs
and change my clothes.

Oh?

And about Bert's deafness.

Now, you know
his fierce Irish pride.

Not a word of this to him.

Which of course, he wouldn't
be able to hear anyway.

What? Again, love?

You know, this is a bit much.

I'm willing to help,

but this is the
third week in a row

you borrowed money from me.

I hate to be asking you, Bert,

but you've no idea
how it pains me

to see the Findlay's starving,
hungry faces everyday.

Well, it's amazing how a
business like Mr. Findlay's

can go sour
overnight, just like that.

Oh, well.

Here's $10.

Oh, couldn't you
manage a little more, Bert?

I mean, they're starving.

They're losing weight
in front of my eyes.

Losing weight, are they?

Mr. Findlay has been
living on old food particles

that were stuck in his mustache.

Oh, that's terrible.

Here... here...
here's another 10.

Oh, Bert, you're a
living angel, you are.

Okay.

Oh.

You have to leave it open.

You know how fussy the
landlady is about the house rules.

Oh, piffle.

I'm just a harmless
English lady.

You know that rhyme you told me?

What rhyme?

"If all the saints in Ireland

"and all the saints in Spain

"were to kiss an English lady,

they'd still be saints again."

Oh, no. I know. I know.

But I... I can't risk
upsetting the landlady.

You know, only last week,

she threw out old Epstein
for kissing his mezuzah.

Serves him right
for sneaking her in.

Well, I'd better be off.

I don't wanna miss
the buss, you know.

That's right. You
run along, Bert,

and I'll phone Mrs. Findlay

and tell her that I found
$20 on the sidewalk.

That is if the poor dear has
the strength to lift the phone.

Ta-ta, love.

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon
'round the ole oak tree ♪

♪ The ole oak tree ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

Naugatuck, here.

Put 60 bucks on Gentleman Jake.

In the fifth...

In Aqueduct.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, Maude.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪

♪ That sly come hither stare ♪

♪ That strips my
conscience bare ♪

♪ It's witchcraft ♪

- Walter.
- Yes, Maude.

Who do we know who lives at
628 Grand Street Apartment 2-A?

♪ And there is
no defense for it ♪

♪ The heat is
too intense for it ♪

♪ What good would
common sense for it ♪

♪ Do? ♪

Are you telling me, Frank
Sinatra lives at 628 Grand Street?

Maude, who cares?

Oh, now, please, Walter. Walter.

Let's not start anything
that we can't finish

before Eyewitness
News Team comes on.

Let them watch. Mhm.

Look, Walter. Walter.

Mrs. Naugatuck left this
number over near the telephone.

I thought it might be
a message for you.

Maude, I've been
thinking about you

all the way home for the store.

Doesn't that give
you a little thrill?

No.

Because I know
why you're excited.

Today is the first of the month,

which means that you
just turned over a new page

on your Playboy calendar.

Come on now. Cool down, tiger.

How? How? How?

Just bite your knuckle and think
of Forrest Tucker. That should do it.

It's Bert Beasley. Oh, listen.

Mrs. Naugatuck
told me this morning

that Bert has
learned to read lips,

because he's terribly deaf.

And listen he is very,
very sensitive about it.

So act as if nothing's wrong.

Okay, Maude.

Well, if it isn't Bert Beasley.

Hello, Bert.

Hello.

What is that?

Uh... oh, this
is... is a salmon.

I... I just cooked it and I...

I thought you might
like to share it with me.

Bert, that must have been...

Bert, that must have been

very expensive.

That was very nice of you.

We appreciate it!

Well, uh, you know
what they say?

Fish is brain food.

And I think I got this
one here just in time.

Maude, Walter, listen.

You've got to do something
about Mrs. Naugatuck.

- I've just found out...
- Arthur, now is not the time.

- They have a guest.
- Oh, sorry.

Now, Arthur, Viv.

You remember, Bert Beasley!

Don't you?

Sure. Hi, Bert.

Bert brought us a huge salmon!

Oh, well,

isn't that wonderful!

Uh, if... if you don't mind,

I... I better take this out

and put it in the
oven to keep it warm.

That was very thoughtful,

Arthur, wasn't it?

Viv,

why are we talking like this?

It's Bert.

He's very sensitive about
it, but he is deaf as a post.

Who said I'm deaf?

Look at this. You
mean, you're not?

Certainly not.

And I can hear
Jell-O getting hard.

And another thing
I'd like explained,

I put out good
money for a salmon

to keep the Findlay's
from death's door.

What do I find
cooking in the oven?

A prime rib roast.

Nevertheless, it was a ver...

Viv!

Sit down, Bert.

Tell me, Bert, did Mrs.
Naugatuck by any chance

borrow money from you
because she said we needed food?

Starving was the way she put it.

And she told me about
Mr. Findlay's business

going bust.

Walter, why didn't you
come to me for help?

Arthur, there's nothing
wrong with Walter's business.

Mrs. Naugatuck just made
that up to get money from Bert.

That's right, she
got $140 from me.

Well, she got over
a 100 from me.

I... I gave her 60, that's
why Arthur was so upset.

I'm sorry, Arthur.

Well, I have to admit
she got to me, too.

She told me she needed
donations for a new lobbying group,

Senior Citizens Against
Socialized Medicine.

How much did she clip you for?

- 4 big ones.
- $400?

$4.

Well...

look, who's here?

Good evening, Doctor
and Mrs. Harmon.

Good evening,
Mr. and Mrs. Findlay.

Good evening, Bert.

Mrs. Naugatuck, Bert
can hear perfectly well.

Oh! Oh, Bert!

It's a miracle.

You just hold it right there.

Perhaps, you would
like to clear things up.

What things, ma'am?

Why you borrowed
$60 from Mrs. Harmon,

over a 100 from me and
a 140 from poor Bert?

I know.

I can't believe that I
did such a dreadful thing.

I... I'm no good, ma'am.

I'm just no good.

- Oh, now, Mrs. Naugatuck.
- I'm so ashamed of myself.

No, you mustn't feel this way.

It...

It started on my birthday.

Oh.

I realized how old I was getting

and, uh, then the
dreams started.

Oh, terrible dreams

of being very old and all alone

and... and nowhere to stay.

Going through trash
cans, looking for food, and...

Then suddenly,

knew that I had to have money

to protect me from
such a fate and...

Oh!

My heart told me
that I was wrong,

but my brain kept saying,

money, money, money.

Oh!

Forgive me, everyone.

Please, forgive me.

I'm just a very foolish,

very old lady.

Oh.

- I had no idea, love.
- Neither did I.

- How could you?
- It's so sad.

It is.

And I don't
believe a word of it.

Not a word?

- Not.
- No.

What a bunch of Turkeys?

I get more sympathy
from a pair of bookends!

Just where do you
think you're going?

I'm going some place
where I'm appreciated.

Some place, where
I'm comfortable.

Some place, where
there aren't any turkeys!

I wonder where she is going.

Some place, where
there aren't any turkeys!

Oh!

Maybe, she's going
to Chicken Delight.

Chicken Delight, you see...

You laugh at his joke, and
I'll never talk to you again.

Walter, what did I do with
that address I had before?

Oh, here it is.

Something's written on
the back. "Money for Harry."

"Money for Harry."

Now I see it. Oh,
poor, Mrs. Naugatuck.

- She's being ripped off.
- What are you talking about?

Oh, Walter, if you were a woman,

you'd understand immediately.

- Right, Viv?
- Oh, right. "Money for Harry."

An apartment. Obviously,
she's keeping a man.

That's right.

Probably, a much younger man.

A bronze blue-eyed
lifeguard with a large whistle.

How do you know that?

Oh, Walter, because
it's a despicable,

terrible exploitation that...

that every woman
over 40 dreams of.

I wasn't expecting you.

- Who is he?
- How did you found out?

Who is he and where is he?

Have you been snooping
in my address book?

He's probably half of
your age. Who is he?

How much money have
you given him so far?

I demand to know who he is?

One at a time.

- I'll go first.
- Very well.

All right.

Who is he?

Who is who?

Whoever it is
you're talking about.

Who is Harry?

Harry the Hat. My bookie.

Oh, come off it.

Look, I am going to look
through that dresser drawer,

do you know what
I'm going to find?

Men's clothes.

Is Harry English?

Just a flipping minute?

You come here to
my flipping place.

Accuse me of all
sorts of flipping things.

When the flipping fact is that
I flipping well took this place

so that I could get one
flipping day off a week

from the flipping Findlays.

What the flip are
you talking about?

I'll tell you what
I'm talking about.

I borrowed the money
to play the horses

so that I could get some
furniture for this place

and still have some money
over to pay back all you turkeys.

Come on now, if this is true,
why didn't you tell me before?

Well, because I knew
you'll get into a big fat tizzy

and be all upset.

I am upset. I am very upset.

What's the matter with
your room at our house?

Nothing. But it's
not mine, that's all.

But... do you... Do you
mean that we Finlays

don't respect your privacy?

Why, you know that your room
there is sacrosanct, inviolate.

Yes, ma'am, but it's yours.

Don't you understand, ma'am,

that this is the only place
in the world that's mine,

just for me, nobody else?

And you know, if I want to,

I can cook a poached egg
in the morning stark naked.

I probably wouldn't,

but at least, I'd
have the choice.

Well, I'm... I'm sure

if you'd like to cook
poached eggs, stark naked,

although I prefer
them over easy.

I'm... I'm sure that we would
all agree to close our eyes.

But what can you really do here
that you can't do in my house?

Kick you out.

Don't get upset, ma'am.

It was only to prove a point

that if it's yours...

you can even kick
out someone you love.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck.

You know, I understand.

I really do understand.

We all need a little
corner for ourselves

and if your corner
needs furniture,

well, you don't have
to play the horses,

I'd be delighted to
lend you the money.

Oh, thank you, ma'am. Thank you.

Why don't you stay
over for a while?

You could be my first guest.

Oh, well, that
would be very nice.

Come on, sit down
in my favorite chair.

We'll just sit and be chums.

And watch the tele together.

Wonderful.

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon ♪

♪ 'Round the ole oak tree ♪

♪ It's been three long years ♪

- ♪ Do you still want me? ♪
- ♪ Still want me? ♪

♪ If I don't see a ribbon
round the ole oak tree ♪

♪ I'll stay on the
bus forget about us ♪

♪ Put the blame on me ♪

♪ If I don't see
a yellow ribbon ♪

♪ Round the ole oak tree... ♪

Maude was taped in Hollywood

before a live audience.