Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Election - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Walter,

good morning, Walter.

I said, "Good morning, Walter."

Oh, Walter, how long
are you going to sleep?

It's almost 5 a.m.

Walter, Walter.



Honey.

Walter, the polls are
gonna be open in an hour.

Walter.

Walter, just think,
this time tomorrow,

I could be the
Democratic nominee

for New York State Senate.

Walter, what do
you think of that?

I was afraid you'd say that.

Maybe there's some news.

They're not awake yet, either.

Maude, wake me up again

when the float with
Betty White passes.

Oh, Walter, come on, now.

♪ It's a lovely day today ♪

♪ So whatever you've got to do ♪

Oh, Maude, why do we
have to get up so early?

Guess.

Well, there're
only three reasons

why a wife would wake up her
husband at 5:00 in the morning.

- To go fishing.
- I don't fish.

- To play golf.
- I don't golf.

Or to...

On the biggest day
of my life, Walter?

Walter!

Walter, the New York Times.

Walter, I've arrived.

There's an article about me

in the New York Times, Walter,

the New York Times.

Walter, the New York Times!

- The Times.
- New York!

"In Westchester County,
Democratic favorite,

"James Kunkle faces a strong
challenge from newcomer,

Maude Findlay of Tuck..."

Continued on page 18.

Ahoe."

Well, go ahead.

That's it.

Oh, what difference
does it make?

Walter, this is a very
happy day for me,

a very happy day, oh!

Wake up, Harmons!

Wake up, Greenblatts!

Wake up world!

It's time to get up
and vote for Maude!

Wake up, Carol!

Philip, wake up!

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ Happy, happy days are... ♪

Why don't you go back to bed?

Then we can all be happy!

Mrs. Naugatuck,

this is going to be a
very big day for you.

You are going to see

the democratic
process in action.

You mean, they're going to
raise the price of gasoline again?

Now, come on, you
know perfectly well

that today is Election Day.

Look, since you're wide awake,

why don't you make us
a very special breakfast,

for a very special day?

How about one of your
delicious omelettes?

No, it'll have to
be something else.

I made a vow,

never to break an
egg before 7 a.m.

It's in honor of a chicken

that once saved my life.

How could a
chicken save her life?

Mouth-to-beak resuscitation?

Maude, you know,
you're really marvelous?

I have never seen you bloom

like you have
during this campaign.

Oh, and Walter,
you're marvelous, too.

You know, you've been an
angel to go through this with me.

I don't think there are many men

who would let their wives
have this opportunity.

I'm glad you're my
husband, Walter.

- I'm glad you gargled.
- I'm sorry you didn't.

Oh, Walter, just think,

the polls will be
open in an hour!

Oh.

Maude, sweetheart.

What if you don't win?

I mean, you know, uh,

you don't have much of a
chance against Jim Kunkle.

Oh, come on, Walter,
who would vote for a man

who thinks we should
bomb New Jersey?

Anyone who's ever
lived in New Jersey.

Look, all I'm saying is,
I hope you're prepared

for a possible disappointment
tonight at your election party.

Never, Walter, never.

"On the plains of desolation,

"lie the bones of
countless thousands,

"who nearing
their goal, faltered.

And having faltered, died."

Johann Miloshenka.

Wow, wow! Who's that?

Philip's bowling coach.

Hey, you guys!

Mother, have you forgotten?
You're on television!

- Wake Up, Westchester!
- Oh, I almost forgot.

- Channel 53.
- It's on.

Uh, Senator Myers,
one last question.

Do you feel that Ms. Findlay

will have a harder
time getting votes

because she's a woman?

Oh, women have made
great strides recently...

Oh, I look hideous, Carol.

Oh, maybe it's the set.

Oh, it has to be the set.

I mean, I could never
look that hideous.

Maude, it's not the
set, I just had it fixed.

To vote for candidates
who respond to their needs

- no matter what their sex.
- You're right, it's the set.

- Maude...
- Shh! Shh! I wanna listen.

A while back, our
First Lady, Betty Ford,

had some rather
astonishing things to say

about young women
and premarital sex.

Is it true, as I've
heard recently,

that you personally
agree with her remarks?

Yes, that is true. I do agree.

Maude, I don't think that
you actually, uh, agree with it...

Well, of course, I do.

I mean, all Mrs. Ford
said was that young people

do get involved in
premarital relationships.

And even if you don't
like the idea, they do.

We should be able
to talk to them about it.

In other words, Mrs.
Findlay believes, as I do,

that we should keep the
lines of communication

open to young people, so
that we can counsel them

in the errors of their way.

So, we can say that you do agree

with Mrs. Ford, up to a point.

That is correct. I do
agree with her up to a point.

And then at that
point, I personally

would go much further.

Sex is a wonderful thing,

and we're now learning

that it doesn't
always have to be tied

to husbands and wives.

I mean, if... If two
people can have a happy,

premarital relationship,

well, they might get lucky

and carry it over
into their marriage.

Like I did.

Four times.

Oh, thank you, Senator Myers,

and thank you, Mrs. Findlay.

And now, back to the news.

Oh, Mother, you were terrific!

That was sensational!

Is Senator Myers
really that square?

Oh, I don't think so.

He just feels that if
you make an even

mildly controversial
remark on television,

your phone will start
ringing off the hook.

Hello.

Oh, you saw it.

How dare you use language
like that on the telephone?

Oh, yeah? Well, the
same to you, Reverend.

Good morning, good morning.

- Good morning.
- You're our first customers.

Oh, well, I hope
we're not your last.

If I'm gonna pile up votes,
we'll need a big turnout.

Oh, uh, pardon me,

but may... may I ask you
a... A personal question?

Yes.

Is that a Maidenform
Bra you're wearing?

Yes, why?

I'm going to have to switch.

Say, you look familiar.

Oh, well, I'm on the
ballot for State Senate.

You've probably seen my
picture in the newspapers.

Oh, no, no, no, that's not it.

I thought that, that maybe,

we went to school together.

The eyes go first.

I'd like to invite all of you

to my victory party
tonight at the Ramada Inn.

Now I know why
you look familiar.

You were on that
TV show this morning,

advocating premarital
hanky-panky.

I saw that,

and I think it will
cost you the election.

You offended every decent
citizen in the community.

That's a lot of bull!

My theory is,

you don't buy a shoe

without trying it on first.

Okay, Mother, it's your turn.

Go ahead.

Have you been doing
this for a long time?

Oh, no, no.

I didn't start until 1920.

I bet she remembers Teapot Dome.

Damn, that Teapot Dome!

Sign here.

I wonder what's
taking Mother so long.

Walter, I thought I
was prepared for it,

but when I saw my
name on that ballot,

I mean,

just like Franklin D.
Roosevelt or Harry Truman.

John F. Kennedy.

Oh, Mother, that's wonderful.

I mean, it's incredible, Carol,

that people can vote for
you or vote against you,

but, I mean, the right to vote!

Your vote,

Carol's vote, my vote...

Oh, my God, I forgot to vote.

Ooh!

Oh.

Okay, mother, this is it!

No, wait, Carol.

Oh.

My moment of glory.

You know, whenever I
worked for other candidates

and other campaigns,

the best part was the
election night party.

You know, the
candidate would walk in

and the band would strike up,

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

and the crowd would
scream and shout,

and the candidate would
shake hands and say,

"Thank you for all your help."

I... it was a real thrill.

Let's go in and give
this crowd a real thrill.

Thank you, maestro.

Thank you for all your help.

Well, to tell you the truth,
it's been pretty easy so far.

Where is everybody,
what happened?

Maude, they must
know about the party!

Come on, now let's not get
excited, Walter. I mean, it's...

There's probably a
very simple explanation.

Let's all stay calm.

Give me a double anything.

Hey, what's goin' on here?

Where's the corpse?

Oh, Arthur.

We're sorry to be late, Maude,

but we dropped into
another party by mistake,

downstairs in the
Cardinal Richelieu Room.

Yeah, Maudie, we...

We accidentally
stumbled into a party

for your opponent, James Kunkle.

- Yeah.
- You should see it down there,

the joint is really jumping.

You mean, a lot of people there?

No! No, just a handful.

What do you mean, "a
handful"? The place is jammed!

And when Kunkle came in,

they cheered and applauded
and they went crazy.

Mother, it doesn't mean a thing.

And... and I didn't see anybody
there from your campaign.

No, except Senator Bob Myers.

Arthur!

You're joking.

I cannot believe that
Senator Bob Myers,

my biggest supporter,

was down as Kunkle's party!

Oh, but he is, Maudie.

He's even making jokes
about his hokey hair transplant.

He's probably just there to
congratulate Kunkle on his victory.

What victory? The
polls just closed!

See? "Kunkle wins."

Yeah, it says,

"With our straw poll
now in, our political editor,

"Al Dobbins, projects a 60% vote

"for party regular,
James Kunkle,

over his neophyte
opponent, Maude Findlay."

Knock it off!

Is that the only song you know?

Arthur! Stop!

Obviously, the only
things they play are

political rallies
and bar mitzvahs.

Hi there, Senator.

I'm sorry, Maude, it doesn't
look too good for you,

but I want you to know,

I think you put
up a terrific fight.

Vivian, would you ask the band

if they know the
theme from Jaws?

Oh, now, wait a minute, Maude.

I wouldn't even
have been down there

if you hadn't gone on
television this morning and...

And endorsed sin.

I did not endorse
sin, it was sex.

And there is nothing
sinful about it.

Maudie, I agree with the
Senator. I agree with him.

You know what this
premarital business leads to?

Moral decay,

economic collapse,

health food.

Maude, you're in politics,

and a politician has an
obligation to get elected.

Now, I'm with you,

but if our views just
happen to be controversial,

well, a good politician just

keeps it to himself.

Yes, but all my views
are controversial.

Everything I believe
in is controversial.

Gun control, women's
rights, racial equality,

the only popular belief I
have is my foreign policy.

Wh-wh-what's that?

If you're in Mexico,
don't drink the water.

Now, I can hardly
get elected on that.

Face it, Maude, you
killed your own chances.

Maybe so.

But I'd rather
lose on my beliefs

than win on hypocrisy.

Hey, grandma, come here,

they're talking about
you on the news.

Maude, you know absolutely
nothing about politics.

Bob, do me a favor, if
ever you get to Mexico,

try the water.

And polling places all
over Westchester county

report heavy activity,

throughout the late
afternoon and evening.

The turnout

is already reported to
be the highest in years.

And by the time the
final tallies come in,

it may well prove to be an
all-time record for a primary.

Hey!

Now, this could be bad news

for long-time Democratic
leader, James L. Kunkle

who was counting
on a light turnout.

The chief beneficiary of
the heavy vote is newcomer,

- Maude Findlay, - Oh!

The wife of a Tuckahoe
appliance dealer.

Mention the name of the store!

It seems the new
politics in action

apparently helped motivate
the large voter turnout.

I see people here,
Walter. I do see people.

We may be reporting an
upset in Westchester County.

Where have you been?

Well, the polls just closed
15 minutes ago, Maude.

You never start the party
before the polls close.

Didn't you know that?

No, I... I didn't know that!

Did you know that?

- I didn't know that.
- I didn't know that.

I didn't... I didn't know that.

Did you know that? I
didn't... I didn't know that.

I didn't know that.

I... did you? I
didn't know that.

- Walter, Walter.
- What, what is it?

I just wanted to say,
I didn't know that.

Hi, hi, kiddo.

Oh, how nice to see you.

Oh, give 'em hell, baby.

The news of the hour
for state senate race

in Westchester County.

Earlier this week, it looked
like a shoo-in for favorite,

James L. Kunkle,

but an unexpected,
last minute heavy turnout

gave new life

to the spirited campaign
of political newcomer,

Maude Findlay of Tuckahoe.

It's nip and tuck, with Kunkle
slightly ahead by 1% point.

This one could go
right down to the wire.

Everyone, quiet
please! Everyone.

All right, we're
going to the wire

for Maude's speech.

- Ladies and
gentlemen, - Oh, Maude!

Friends,

may I have your
attention, please?

It's an honor for me

to be associated
with Maude Findlay.

And I wanna
congratulate our Maude

on a great campaign.

A campaign that proves

that speaking out on the issues

can make a frontrunner
out of a dark horse.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Senator Bob Myers.

It's so nice to
meet a politician

whose main strength

is the weakness
of his convictions.

Hasn't she got a
great sense of humor?

Ladies and gentlemen,

you remember,

"Dewey wins"?

Oh, I tell you, right now,

I feel the way Harry Truman
must have felt that night.

And I feel like Bess!

Everybody, my husband, Walter.

Of Findlay's
Friendly Appliances.

You gargled.

Ah.

A man who realizes that a
woman has the same need

for purposefulness,
as... as a man.

And that, my
friends, is real love.

Aww!

Of course, the
election isn't over yet,

but I have to tell
you how satisfying

it is to be taken seriously

as a candidate
for public office.

And to all of you who worked

so hard helping me,

I love you.

I love all of you.

Especially, those young people

who created the
late surge at the polls.

They must've been
the ones who agreed

with what I said on
television this morning,

and were obviously too
busy doing other things

to vote earlier.

Stay tuned for
further election results.

And now, at 4:10 a.m.,

we return to our feature movie,

The Ant That Swallowed Japan

by Iri Tamaguchi
and Tori Yakitaki.

Huh, boy, what a
bunch of party poopers?

Come on, grandma, wake up.

Oh, what time is it and who won?

I said, what time is it, Philip?

- Ten after four.
- And who won?

It was The Yankees,
three to nothin' or somethin'.

I mean, the election, Philip.

Who won the election?

Ah, Mrs. Findlay,

I can't stand the excitement.

I've just heard on
the 4 o'clock news

that the lead has
changed hands again!

Who is ahead, who is ahead?

Either you or Mr. Kunkle.

I forget which.

Can't you remember anything?

At 5 o'clock in the mornin',

I can't remember anything.

But you just said it was 4!

You see?

- Arthur?
- Yeah.

Don't you know somebody
on the Tuckahoe Tribune?

I mean, they oughta
have some late news.

As a matter of fact,

one of my very best buddies
is on the city desk at the Trib.

We're always doing
favors for each other.

Last year, I took
our his appendix,

and he took out my nurse.

That's how Arthur always knows

what's gonna
happen to Mary Worth,

two days ahead of time.

Hello, Trib?

Harry Foley, please.

Yeah. Hi, Harry, old pal.

Arthur Harmon here.

Harmon.

Dr. Harmon.

Hi, Harry.

Listen, if it isn't
too much trouble,

do you have the final vote count

on the Maude Findlay,
Jim Kunkle race?

- Oh, really?
- What is it, Arthur?

- She did?
- "She did" what?

- She has?
- What?

- What?
- - For God's sake, Arthur!

Boy, are you kiddin'.
Isn't that something?

- Uh-huh.
- Will you knock it off?

What did he say? What
are all these figures?

Well, what do you know?

- Arthur!
- Okay, thanks very much.

Now listen, Harry, if
it's not too inconvenient,

can you tell me
what's going to happen

with Mary Worth's toothache?

- Oh!
- Arthur!

Oh, really? Wow!

Well, thanks a lot, Harry.

Right.

Come on!

- Arthur, tell us, tell us!
- What happened?

Well, Mary is having
this root canal...

I'm talking about the election!

What is the vote?

Oh, the vote?

You lost.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Maudie.

But the amazing thing,

is that out of 80,000 votes,

you only lost by 360.

- 360?
- Three hundred...

Oh, no, 360.

Oh, Mother, Mother,
you did great!

It was a moral victory.

And get this, in this
district, right here,

you only lost by one vote.

One vote?

One vote, that's amazing!

- I can't believe it,
just one vote!
- One.

One vote? Why.

That means that just
one person in the district...

I mean, it... it
could've been...

It could've been one
person here in this room

could've cost me
the whole district.

All right, who is the fink
who voted for Kunkle?

No, don't look at me, I
didn't vote, I'm a Republican.

I know.

Oh, Mother, I don't have
to tell you how I voted.

Maude,

I have a confession to make.

I didn't want you to move away.

Oh, good Lord,

my best friend in
the whole world.

So, I'm glad you didn't win.

I just never dreamed, Vivian,

that you would be the one

who wouldn't vote for me.

No, I voted for you, I'm
just glad you didn't win.

Mother, who in this
room would have a reason

to vote against you?

Well, Walter?

Huh?

I said, well, Walter?

Fine, and you?

Walter!

Sorry.

I cannot violate the
sanctity of the voting booth.

Maude, I voted for our marriage.

What a rotten thing to do.

I'll tell ya.

I voted for the most beautiful,

the most adorable,

the sexiest
candidate in the race.

Oh, Walter.

Did you ever see
Kunkle in a bathing suit?

All right,

be cagey, Citizen Findlay.

Walter, I guess I'm back to
being a full-time wife again.

My Maude.

You know, I'll bet I can
unseat Bob Myers next time.

- Next time, what do you...
- I have two whole years now

- to prepare the campaign.
- Now, Maude, now wait a minute.

- Oh, you'll love living
in Washington, Walter.
- Washington?

- I'll buy a couple of big...
- Maude, now, please.

Round hats, you know,
what they wear there.