Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 24 - Maude's Ex-Convict - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Maudie, this is ridiculous.
You just can't do it!

Look, will you stop
getting so excited, Arthur?

But this is insane!

You can't have an ex-convict
living right here in your own home!

What if he turns out
to be a sex fiend?

Believe me, Walter will
welcome the time off.



Come on now, Arthur. He's only
going to be working here for three weeks

while Mrs. Naugatuck
is in England.

Maudie, you are endangering
the entire neighborhood!

Come on now. Look, Arthur, I have been
working down at the rehabilitation center

for over six weeks
now. Believe me,

Ambrose Riley is
completely reformed,

and I want you to
get to know him.

Me? Why me?

Well, when Mrs.
Naugatuck comes back,

I'd like it if you'd give him
a job down at the hospital.

An ex-convict in a hospital?

Oh Maudie, that's just not safe.

Believe me, I know. I have first-hand
knowledge of the criminal mind.

How? Did you have lunch
with your accountant?

- Hi, Arthur! Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Walter.

Sorry, I'm late.
Here's the mail.

There's a card in there
from Mrs. Naugatuck.

Already? Gee, she's
only been gone three days.

"Dear Mrs. Findlay,
Just arrived in London,

they had free champagne on
the flight, and I'm a bit woozy.

I've never been in the airport
before, but I know you have.

Where the hell's
the ladies room?

I can't stay in this holding
pattern much longer."

Boy, I'd better write her fast.

And tell her to hurry back.

Walter, do you realize your wife is
bringing an ex-convict into this house?

- Yes.
- And do you also realize

that she wants me to hire
him down at the hospital?

Can you imagine that? An
ex-convict in the hospital!

What's wrong with that, Arthur?

The administrator of your
hospital is an ex-convict.

He served six months in prison

because he got involved in that Watergate
scandal when he was down in Washington.

Oh, that's different. He's
not your ordinary criminal.

He's a Republican.

I don't think that's
quite what I meant.

I thought it was one of
your better statements.

Besides, Ambrose
Riley isn't your ordinary,

common criminal either.

He's very gentle and very quiet.

Arthur, all he wants is a job

and respectability. Now
what's the crime in that?

Look, that's probably
him. Now listen, Arthur,

Arthur, I don't want
you to say one word

until we give this
poor guy a fair chance.

Maude! Maude, what did he
do? What crime did he commit?

As a threatened neighbor,
I have a right to know that.

I don't know, Arthur,
and I couldn't care less.

All I know is that he is an
experienced house servant,

and supposedly a fabulous cook.

Arthur? He's only spent
two years in prison.

That's not so bad.

It's him. It's him! Now listen,
remember. Not one word.

You know, he's bound to be defensive
and uptight and nervous about this.

Hello, Ambrose.

Hi, could I use your bathroom?

He's more nervous
than I thought.

Please, come in.
Come in. Welcome.

I'd like you to meet
my husband, Walter.

How do you do?

Our next-door neighbor,
Dr. Arthur Harmon.

Hello.

Ambrose, we fixed up
the guest room for you,

and I hope you like it.

Does it lock?

- Yes.
- From the inside
and the outside?

- Yes.
- Good.

Now can I use your bathroom?

Well... certainly. Of course.
It's through that door there,

and then to the right.
Here, give me your suitcase.

What?

Uh, I'd like to keep it with me.

A suspicious character
if ever I saw one.

He is strange, Maude.

Oh, come on, now. Mr. Clements
at the rehabilitation center

recommended him highly,
and that's good enough for me.

Well, it is certainly not
good enough for me.

Come on, Arthur!
Give the guy a break!

That is typical,
woolly-headed liberal thinking.

You're always concerned
about the criminal,

but you never have a single
thought for the poor victim.

Oh sure, Maudie,

you don't see any harm
in employing one convict,

but what if everybody in the
country employed convicts?

You know what would
happen? Do you?

All the jails would be empty!

Oh, Maude.

This package for
Ambrose came today,

and I just tried to
put it in his room,

but the door's locked.
Doesn't he trust us?

Oh, come on, honey, the
guy just got out of prison.

He probably feels more at
home with things locked up.

Wait until you taste that bouillabaisse
he's out there whipping up right now.

It smells fabulous.

Yeah? Well, maybe he can cook,

but he certainly doesn't
know how to sort laundry.

This morning he puts my
socks in the underwear draw,

and my underwear
in the sock draw.

What's your problem, Walter?

All your socks are black and
all your underwear is white.

Except for that
pair of mini-briefs

with the little red
heart sewn on it

that I bought you
for Valentine's Day.

You know I only wear
those on Saturday night.

I know, Walter. I've been
meaning to buy you three more pair.

Sit down, honey, I want
to talk to you. Now listen,

I want you to
promise me, Walter,

that you will not
complain about Ambrose

while Vivian and
Arthur are here.

- Maude.
- No, now please!

He's making his first
dinner for us tonight

and if it turns out as
great as I think it will,

then maybe Arthur
will change his mind

about hiring him
down at the hospital.

Uh, that's... that's my
package you have there.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's mine.

I just took it up to put in your
room, but the door's locked.

Uh, put it down. It's mine.

Well, Ambrose, aren't
you going to open it?

No, I know what's in it.

Sure is heavy for
such a small package.

Yeah.

It is. Put it down.

It's mine.

Uh, by the way, Ambrose,
that bouillabaisse smells great.

Oh? Well, see, it's a special
trick I learned in prison.

I marinate the shrimp.

They serve shrimp in prison?

Why not? They serve
bread and water at Schrafft's.

Maudie, I hope you're satisfied.

I just hope you're
satisfied with your convict.

I was just talking to the
Greenblads next door.

You know that gun they
were sending to Israel?

Well, they're keeping it.

Well, actually, Arthur,
I don't blame them.

I mean, even I went out and bought
a Saturday night special for Walter.

What? When did you do that?

Valentine's Day.

Never mind, Arthur, now
you're just being foolish.

I mean, keeping guns in the house is
just looking for trouble, right, Walter?

- Right. Where's Vivian, Arthur?
- Oh, she'll be here
in a minute.

She went on an errand
for me to the library.

She's doing a little
research on this character

- you got working here.
- On Ambrose?

Arthur, how dare you?!

Well, face it, Maudie, you don't
know the first thing about that guy.

You don't even know what he did.

Look, all I know is he
served his two years in prison,

and now he is free.

Boy, Maudie. You are
living in a fool's paradise.

I know, Arthur, but
we liked the house

and decided to buy it
in spite of the neighbors.

Walter, just between you and I,

admit it, haven't you noticed

anything a little strange since
this guy came into the house?

- Well, there is one thing.
- A-ha!

Your credit card disappeared?

- No, Arthur...
- Your wallet is missing?

- Arthur!
- Your watch is gone!

He puts my underwear
in the sock drawer.

That's how it starts.

Maude! Maude! Maude! Maude!

Maude, do you realize that
you are living with a celebrity?

I mean, an
honest-to-God celebrity?

Walter, the papers
must have found out

that you can open coke
bottles with your teeth.

Oh no, not Walter. I
mean Ambrose Riley!

You won't believe it, the papers up in
Syracuse were full of it a few years ago!

It seems that he was working
as a cook for this very rich...

No, no, now stop.
Just, just stop.

I really could not care less.

- But... but... but... uh...
- Dinner's ready.

Now look. Not another
word, Vivian, not another word.

- Let's just enjoy our dinner.
- Okay.

- Vivian, are you hungry, honey?
- Yes, yes, darling.

- Over here, please.
- Where do you want me,
over here?

- Maude.
- Thank you.

Here we go.

Hello, Ambrose. I know a secret.

Vivian, sit on it.

Okay, well,

I hope you all enjoy
the bouillabaisse.

I haven't made it in two years.

Not since my last job.

- It smells delicious.
- Yeah.

Maude, let me tell
you what he did!

No, Vivian.

- Oh.
- Oh, is this heavenly!

- Isn't that tasty! Terrific!
- Yeah. Smells wonderful.

Mm. Mm.

- Just a little hint.
- No, Viv.

Oh, for Pete's sake,
Maudie, listen to Vivian.

I'm getting a little
curious myself.

Oh, come on now, Walter.

Maude, don't you think if
you knew what Ambrose did

you'd understand him more?

Then you might be
able to help him more.

Vivian went to a lot of
trouble to find out about him.

- I did.
- All right, all right.

All right, go ahead and tell us.

Tell us what terrible
crime Ambrose committed

that got him two
whole years in prison.

Well,

he murdered the couple
he was working for.

- Murdered?
- Murdered?

- Murdered?
- Murdered.

Ding, ding.

Now, how's the bouillabaisse?

- Just marvelous!
- Delicious!

They think he did it
because this couple

he was working for
were going to fire him,

but they're not sure, because
Ambrose never admitted to being guilty.

But all that evidence.

He's famous.

Tell me, Viv,

how did he kill them?

Oh, he was their cook, and
he poisoned their fish soup.

Some toasted French bread.

- Mmm.
- Now, you're sure the
bouillabaisse was all right?

- Of course!
- Fine. Great.

Good. I... see, I was afraid
I put in a little too much salt.

No!

What do you think, Mrs. Findlay?

Taste it.

Uh...

no, it looks like just
enough salt to me.

What about you, Walter?

I don't see too
much salt in there.

No, please, just,
ah, just take a sip.

In a minute, Ambrose. You see, we
just remembered we forgot to say grace.

Yeah.

Oh. Well, enjoy your dinner.

- Thank you.
- Thanks, Ambrose.

- Bless us, Lord...
- Wait! Stop!

Vivian, the only thing
I don't understand

is, if he was convicted

of murdering those two people,

how come he only
got two years in prison?

Oh, well you didn't
let me finish my story.

You see, the police
made a mistake.

He was wrongfully imprisoned.

What?

You!

That's a good one!

Why didn't you tell us?

I mean, here we are
worrying about nothing. Oh!

Bon Appetit.

Pass the salt, Arthur.

I like Ambrose. I don't
think he'd hurt a fly.

Oh, you see, Arthur?

I mean, this is what those
poor ex-convicts are up against.

I mean, even I was
jumping to conclusions.

What was it, Vivian? A
case of mistaken identity?

Oh, no. No, you see, when
the police arrested him,

they forgot to
read him his rights.

Bless this meal...

So, they gave a new
trial, and he was acquitted.

Vivian, he was really acquitted?

Yes, because all
seven witnesses died.

In the same orchard.

In the same orchard?

My God. That man's gonna be
in this house for two more weeks.

Now, what are we going to do?

For one thing, eat out.

Don't panic, even if this stuff

is poisoned, we didn't
eat enough to worry about.

Ding, ding.

See, if you take the ladle
out, the broth stays hot longer.

Oh. Good thinking, Ambrose.

That's how I like my
bouillabaisse, hot, hot, hot, hot.

Boiling. Boiling.

- It's good cold, too.
- I love it cold.

Good chilled.
Bouillabaisse. Iced.

Actually, Ambrose, I think we're
all finished with the bouillabaisse.

Oh. Well, would
anybody care for dessert?

Not me, I'm stuffed.

- No dessert for me.
- What do you have?

Vivian!

Oh, perhaps some
cheese and fruit?

- No, I couldn't.
- Full!

- Stuffed to here!
- Oh, all right.

Maude, I'm calling the police.

Wait, I mean, we don't
really know what happened.

I'm dialing Mr. Clements
down at the rehabilitation center.

I mean, he's the one who
recommended Ambrose in the first place.

He knows about it. I mean,
I'm sure we're all overreacting.

I'm sure he's
perfectly innocent.

I'm sure that this package
has nothing lethal in it!

Maude, put that down. It's his.

Uh, yes. Mr. Clements, please.

Oh, uh, well, could you give
me his home phone number?

I see.

Thank you very much.

Uh, he doesn't let anybody
down there know where he lives.

He thinks it's too dangerous.

- Oh.
- Well...

I think, for the sake
of everyone's sanity,

I'm going to have to go in there
and simply explain to Ambrose that...

we made a mistake in hiring him.

Maude, that's why Ambrose
killed those two people.

- They were gonna fire him.
- Oh, come on, now.

Ambrose isn't a violent
man. He's very gentle.

I mean, those poor people
died of poison, didn't they, Viv?

- That's true.
- I'm going to talk to him.

The police are sure the poison killed
them before they were bludgeoned

by that blunt instrument.

Well, let's be
thankful for one thing.

He doesn't have
anything against you two.

Now, he understands that Mrs.
Naugatuck is coming back in three weeks.

Just don't do anything
that gives him the feeling

you're trying to get rid
of him and you'll be fine.

- Right. Right.
- As long as he doesn't feel
threatened by anybody here

- we're safe.
- That's perfect.

Surprise!

Mrs. Naugatuck!

I'm home with my loved ones!

Get the hell out of here!

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, four days in
England was enough for me.

Oh, fuel shortage,

high prices, pollution.

I can get all that right here.

Who's this?

Oh, uh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
this is Ambrose Riley.

He's just filling in for you.

Well, you can pack your
bags, Ambrose. I'm taking over.

What?

Oh, no! No! No, no, no, no, no!

You see, you're... you're still
on vacation, Mrs. Naugatuck.

This doesn't change your
job in any way, Ambrose.

For the next three weeks
we'll simply treat her as a guest.

I mean, that's the way
she usually acts anyhow.

I see.

Maude, do you
think he bought it?

Maude? Walter?

Look, I'm a doctor.

I am used to crisis situations.

Now, what we need now

is cool, clear,
rational thinking.

Now,

I do my best thinking in
the shower. Come on, Viv.

It was a lovely dinner, Maude.

What the blazes is
going on here, anyhow?

- Shh!
- Ambrose is an ex-convict,

and we have reason to believe
that our lives are in danger.

He killed the last
couple he worked for.

Oh, mercy me.

That does it. I'm
getting my gun.

Hold it! Walter, what gun?

You know I don't let you
have guns in this house!

Maude, I hated hiding it from
you, but thank God I bought one.

Walter, how could
you? What about Phillip?

Don't get excited. I made
sure it's perfectly safe.

I keep it locked in my
tackle box in the garage.

The chamber is downstairs
underneath the washing machine.

And the firing pin is
upstairs in my brown suit.

That way nobody can get hurt.

Including the burglars.

- Forget the gun, Walter.
- Why?

Your firing pin
is at the cleaners.

Oh, Walter, what are we going
to do? What are we going to do!

What does Ambrose
say about all this?

- What?
- Well, you mean

you're acting like this and
you haven't even talked to him?

Walter, Mrs. Naugatuck is right.

I mean, we are letting
our imaginations go crazy.

What we should do is simply bring
all of this out in the open with Ambrose.

Are you crazy? It's like
asking the Boston strangler

to help you pick out a scarf.

Don't be ridiculous,
Walter. I will not live in fear.

- Now, we have to go in there
and talk to him.
- Maude!

I'm sorry about the noise.

I'm all thumbs tonight.

It's perfectly all
right, Ambrose.

Actually, Mr. Findlay has something
he wants to talk to you about.

Maude!

- Well, certainly.
- Walter.

Ambrose, you were in
prison and everything, right?

Yes.

- Well, I just wanted to say that...
- That's mine.

Sorry.

Well.

I think that you guys in
prison did a really swell job

on this year's license plates.

Walter!

Ambrose, look.

The truth is,

we know all about what
happened up in Syracuse.

Now, quite frankly,
we're frightened to death.

If you could just tell us...

Mrs. Findlay,

what is it you wanna know?

Well, I mean if you could,
you know, just reassure us...

Oh! I get it. You...

You want me to tell you

if I was the one who
really killed those people?

Only if you're in the mood.

I hate it when
people ask me that!

What the hell, forget it!

You Findlays... You Findlays
are just like everybody else.

You don't care about
Ambrose Riley, the man.

All you want to hear about is
Ambrose Riley, the ruthless murderer.

So, you wanna know
if I'm a killer? Huh?

Well... I mean, only...

You don't know what it's like.

You don't know what
I've been through.

Hounded by the police.

Spending time in prison.

Trying to cook dinner
with your cheap utensils.

You wanna know
if I'm a killer, huh?

A killer! You wanna
know if I'm a killer.

Well, nobody in this room
is ever going to find out.

Not until you buy my book.

Your book?

"Cook or Killer"
by Ambrose Riley.

As told to Jim Bishop.
Oh, it tells the whole story.

Yes, we're dickering with Robert
Blake to make the movie version.

"Cook or ki..." you
know, that's catchy.

You know, these
are the first editions.

I was going to give you
all an autographed copy,

and now you can pay $8.95
just like everybody else.

Oh, come on now, Ambrose. I
mean, certainly you can understand...

Save it, lady. I am going to go up
and pack. I am getting out of here.

And listen! Listen to this.

Don't expect me
to do the dishes!

Well, Maude, can you beat it?

Here we were, nervous
wrecks, afraid for our lives.

Now all we have to
do is shell out $8.95...

Oh, please. Please, Walter. It's
over. He's leaving, and we're safe.

But if he thinks we're going
to put out $8.95 to read...

I am going to get even with
him for what he put us through!

I am not going to buy the book,
and I am not going to see the movie.

You know, Robert Blake
would be very good in the part.

Of course, Robert
Redford would be good, too.

I mean, he can play anything.

For the victim, how
about Julie Andrews?

And Marty Feldman for the
husband, you know? Huh?

Walter! Come on, hurry up!

Ambrose is on the
Dinah Shore show! Hurry!

Well, I have to admit, I read
the whole book in one evening.

I couldn't put it down.

Oh, boy, he's gonna be famous!

Imagine, Ambrose
with Dinah Shore!

Thank you. Thank you, I...

It was hard work,

but it was something
I felt I had to do.

Well, I tell you truly,

I think it's going
to be a best seller.

You're thinking of Robert
Blake for the lead in the movie?

Um, yeah. Well, yeah.

Marty Feldman. Marty Feldman!

Before you show us how
to make that bouillabaisse,

would you mind telling us
a bit about your new book?

Well, it's a novel.

And it takes place in
Tuckahoe, New York,

and it's about a woman who
thinks very highly of herself.

See, in fact, she's
really incredibly shallow,

she's insensitive, she's
vain, she's arrogant...

I think that's what...

Wow, Maude, did you hear that?

A woman who continually
deceives herself...

Walter, this is terrible.

Vain, insensitive, arrogant,

thick-skinned. Oh!

Walter, when people find out

what the book is really about,

poor Vivian will be devastated.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude... ♪