Maude (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 1 - Vivian's First Funeral - full transcript
Vivian's friend has died, but she does not want to go to the funeral. She has never been to a funeral before.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Mrs. Naugatuck,
will you please hurry?
We have to be at the
funeral home in half an hour!
Why, tonight, of all nights
did I let Vivian talk me into
going to that
ridiculous charity affair?
I mean, how can we possibly
first go to poor Hattie
Flanagan's funeral
and then rush
right out to a ball?
Mrs. Na... will you be
careful with that needle?!
If I start bleeding at Hattie Flanagan's
funeral, she'll think I'm showing off!
I'm doin' me flippin' best.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I snapped
at you. I really am.
It's just that...
Oh, I'm so depressed
and so upset at the ordeal
I'm going to have to go
to through in a little while.
These parties of
Vivian's are a drag.
- Mother!
- Oh, hello, dear!
Mother, what a great dress!
Oh, well, thank you, Carol.
Is that for Hattie
Flanagan's funeral
or the Daughters of
Tuckahoe charity ball?
Both.
I want to look
bereaved at the funeral,
yet bored at the ball.
- All finished, ma'am.
- Oh, thank you, dear.
That hem should hold as long
as you don't dance too hard.
Oh, I won't. The band
tonight is Victor Fromen
and his All-Accordion Orchestra.
I mean, how many times can
you dance to Lady of Spain?
Well, don't give up.
Perhaps the
organist at the funeral
will play something catchy.
Don't wait up for me, Mother.
Carol, what do you mean?
You're going to the funeral with us.
No, I have a date with Andy.
Carol. Carol, we need you!
Oh, I'm... poor,
sweet, gentle Hattie
was such a hateful person,
there'll be nobody there!
I'm sorry!
Carol! Carol, I promised
her husband Malcolm
that with our family and the
Harmons and Mrs. Naugatuck
there'd be at least
six people there.
Mother, I didn't like Hattie and
I'm not going to be a hypocrite!
Carol, please, just this once.
Be a hypocrite, for your mother.
Look, every time I saw
Hattie, she'd say to me
"When are you gonna
get married again?
Why can't you find a nice man?
What's wrong with you?"
Why should I go see
her now that she's dead?
Just for the fun of it?
Have a good time.
Last funeral I invite you to!
I don't know why you're so set
on going to Hattie's funeral, ma'am!
- You've always hated her.
- It's not important.
She was a part of my life
and, in spite of everything,
I always considered
myself Hattie's friend.
Her friend? The last
time she was here,
you called her a
malicious, two-faced gossip!
Who else but a friend
could tell her a thing like that?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Vivian, we'll be ready
to go to the funeral home
just as soon as
Walter gets back.
Maude, Maude, I just
don't think I can do it.
I just don't.
- What?
- Go to the funeral.
Vivian, you've got to go!
But, Maude, I'm very nervous
about going to see Hattie.
You may think this odd,
but I've never actually seen a
body that wasn't alive before.
Vivian, what are
you talking about?
You've been married
to Arthur for three years!
That was cruel, Maude.
The truth always hurts.
- Vivian, we were only joking.
- Oh yeah, I know,
I know, Maude,
but I... I just
don't want to go.
- Vivian!
- I felt very strange
about these things, Maude,
ever since I was a little girl.
When I was four years old,
I found out about death,
and I said, oh, I said,
"That's never going
to happen to me
because when it's
time for me to die,
I'm gonna move."
And I don't know why you're so
nervous about death, Mrs. Harmon.
We older people know
that death is a fact of life.
You've just got to live
with it, even if it kills you!
She's right! Mrs. Naugatuck...
What the hell did you just say?
Well, anyway, Vivian, I do think
it is high time you
faced up to the fact
that people do die.
And Hattie Flanagan's
funeral is perfect!
- Why?
- Well, I mean,
it's certainly easier
to begin with someone
you could never stand!
- I suppose you're right.
- I'm always right, Viv.
- That's true.
- I'm glad that's settled
and I hope you both
have a smashin' evening!
Mrs. Naugatuck...
Wait a minute! Wait!
You are going to the funeral.
No, ma'am, I don't want to.
- But Mrs. Naugatuck...
- I refuse to be a hypocrite!
Mrs. Naugatuck, I...
Well, at least I know that
I can count on Walter
and Arthur and you
to be at the funeral, huh, Viv?
But Maude, it's so awkward.
There are so many
unanswered questions.
I know, I know.
What to do, what to say...
No, what to wear.
That's why I came over.
I'd like to have my brooch back.
What brooch?
You know, the brooch
I lent you, remember?
We were at the benefit breakfast
at the First Presbyterian Church,
and they wouldn't let you in
until you covered your cleavage?
Gold, enamel,
in the shape of a
large cockroach.
That was a dragonfly.
I wouldn't have a
roach for a brooch.
Vivian!
Anyway, Vivian,
I'm sure I gave it back to you
because I know I don't have it.
No, you did not
give it back to me!
And Maude, that brooch is an
heirloom from Arthur's family!
- You're kidding?
- Oh, that brooch
is worth over $500!
Fi-five hundred...
Vivian, why didn't you tell me?!
I didn't know you
were going to lose it!
How dare you trust
me with a $500 brooch!
- How dare you!
- I'm sorry!
You are totally irresponsible!
I didn't want to give it to you,
but they wouldn't
let you in without it.
And you were my
very best friend.
There, there, there,
there, Vivian. I forgive you.
I probably would have done the
same thing under the circumstances.
Oh, thank you, Maude!
What could I have done with...
Natalie Morgan.
- Natalie Morgan?
- Natalie Morgan.
I probably lent it to her.
She was at that
benefit breakfast.
You know how she's
always borrowing things,
never returning them. I
hate that type, don't you?
Think you can get it back?
You just listen to me.
You are going to have
a lesson in diplomacy!
Hello, Natalie!
Maude!
I know! It has been
forever! Months!
How've you been? Oh,
great! Honey, come on,
let's just catch
up on everything!
How is my brooch?
Well, you know,
the one I lent you,
gold and enamel in the
shape of a dragon-roach?
I never lent it to you?
Oh, well, let's do
this soon again!
Bye, Natalie!
Vivian, Vivian, I'll think
of whom I gave it to.
- Just give me a minute.
- Maude, If Arthur finds out
I've lost that brooch,
he'll never forgive me.
- Hi, sweetheart!
- Oh, Walter, where
have you been?
We have to be down
at the funeral home
in 30 minutes to pay
our respects to Hattie.
Maude, I'm not
going to the funeral.
Walter, you don't mean that.
Maude, I had a very hard day.
A big party and Hattie's funeral
would be too much
entertainment for one night!
What is this, a
conspiracy against me?
First Carol said she won't go, and
then Mrs. Naugatuck, now you?!
Maude, I never had any use
for Hattie when she was alive!
If I went to her funeral,
I'd be a hypocrite!
What kind of a family is this?!
Am I the only hypocrite left?!
- I'm not going.
- Walter!
Hello, everybody!
Look, Walter, you see,
Arthur's all dressed.
- He's going.
- Actually, this
is my grief suit.
I only put it on when
I'm going to a funeral.
You being a surgeon, I hope
it came with two pair of pants.
Arthur. Arthur, you never cared
for Hattie Flanagan, did you?
No! I couldn't stand her.
And yet you are
going to her funeral.
Oh, I wouldn't
miss it for the world.
You see, Walter? Arthur has the
proper attitude about these things.
Forget it, Maude. I'm not going.
- Walter.
- If Hattie asks for me,
you tell her I had to work late!
Walter! She'll
never believe that!
Walter's just nervous about
going to see Hattie like I am.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
He was very brave
and helpful to me
when my poor wife
Agnes died, God bless her.
You know something? That's
the last time I wore this suit.
Vivian, did I ever tell
you about Agnes' funeral?
You showed me the slides.
I don't believe I ever
showed them to you, Maude.
I took them, Arthur.
Oh. Well, then you
probably remember.
The music, the flowers,
it's one thing I
can say for Agnes
she sure had a nice departure.
Departure?
Arthur, you sound like
she left for Pittsburgh,
and you expect her back any day.
Vivian, you can't
expect me to ignore
my first wife just
because she's dead.
Why not? It never stopped
you while she was alive.
Vivian, I just stopped
by to tell you that
I have to drop
into the hospital.
I'll meet you later. Oh!
Where's Hattie being laid out?
McDonald's.
McDonald's?
Arthur, it's a funeral
home on Main Street.
- Oh!
- Next to the Burger King.
Well, I'll meet
you all there later.
I think it's nice that
Hattie's at MacDonald's.
She deserves a break today.
Oh, Maude, you've
got to find that brooch!
Vivian, we have the rest of
our lives to find the brooch.
- Now, we have to
get to the funeral.
- Oh, well, I can't go!
- Vivian.
- Well, I'm too upset about my brooch!
Look, Vivian, if you
don't come to this funeral,
I am not going to
your charity party!
Now that's not fair!
I'm too upset for
my first funeral!
Vivian, I mean it!
- Oh! All right. All right, I'll go.
- Good.
But I am going
to feel like a... er...
What is that everybody
says they feel like?
- A hypocrite?
- Me, too!
Ah, Mrs. Findlay.
Mr. MacDonald. This is
my friend, Mrs. Harmon.
This is her first funeral.
I see.
Well, let's hope it won't
be your last, Mrs. Harmon.
Ah, I must say
that I did not expect
such a large turnout
for Mrs. Flanagan.
There's always a big crowd
when you give the
people what they want.
Maude, if we have to do
this, let's get it over with.
Come on now, Vivian,
you're going to be just fine.
Uh, Mr. MacDonald,
where is Mrs. Flanagan?
In the Unending Slumber room,
right past the
Peaceful Fountain.
Ah, Peaceful Fountain.
Don't go in there.
That's the men's room.
Maude, I can't do it.
Vivian, just keep your eyes
closed and hold my hand,
like you did when we saw Jaws.
Okay, now, Vivian,
straight ahead,
you're gonna be just fine.
Don't tell me when we get
to the coffin or I'll scream.
Vivian, open your eyes.
Oh, no, I don't want
to. I can't, I can't.
You really should, Vivian.
- I don't...
- Come on, open your eyes.
I'll try.
Oh.
Oh, Maude, look at Hattie.
She's so peaceful and content.
She's even smiling.
She should be. She's
wearing your brooch.
Maude, that's my brooch!
What is Hattie Flanagan
doing with my brooch?!
Vivian, would you
lower your voice!
What is Hattie Flanagan
doing with my brooch?!
I don't know. Oh, good Lord,
don't tell me I lent it to her!
What was it, some kind
of going-away present?!
- People are staring!
- I don't care!
I want my brooch back
and I want it back now!
Ladies! Ladies, is
there some problem?
Oh, no, no, it's not important.
My friend is overcome, that's all.
I understand.
It's difficult, Mrs. Harmon,
but we must learn to let go.
Let go?! That is not
leaving this room!
Ah, Herbert! Good to see you.
Maude! Arthur!
When he sees that
brooch, he'll kill me!
Oh, Vivian, don't worry!
You know. He
won't even notice it.
- They were very close.
- Let's get out of here. Out.
Vivian, what is the
meaning of this?!
What is my precious heirloom
doing on Hattie Flanagan?!
Arthur, let's go into the office
where we can speak freely.
Maude, I don't see how
this is any of your concern.
- This is between
me and Vivian!
- Right.
You come back here!
It is, too, her concern, she's the one
who gave my brooch to Hattie Flanagan!
Maude!
Oh, Arthur, I'm so
sorry! It was an accident!
I am so sorry! I
just remembered.
Hattie was at that
benefit breakfast
and she wanted to show
the brooch to Malcolm.
He collects old
jewelry and rare bugs.
It would have been
perfect for him.
I forgot all about it.
Arthur, I am so sorry!
Maude, this is
extremely serious.
Now, I demand that
you get my brooch back!
Get it... how?!
How should I know? Go in
there and take it off of her.
- Arthur!
- Maude,
I am holding you
personally responsible!
Oh, excuse me.
Maybe you should talk this
over with Mr. MacDonald, Maude.
Come on, Vivian. I have to
go to the Peaceful Fountain.
Uh, Mr. MacDonald.
Just one moment, Mrs. Findlay.
It's time to change the music
we pipe into the Slumber Room.
What is it you're putting on?
One of Mrs. Flanagan's
personal favorites. Listen.
- It's lovely.
- Isn't it?
Mr. MacDonald, I...
Mr. MacDonald.
Ronald.
There's something
that I have to ask you.
I hate having to
do it, but I must.
You see, the brooch that
Mrs. Flanagan is wearing
is actually the
property of Mrs. Harmon
and she wants it back.
Oh, dear! I'm afraid
that's impossible.
- But, Mr. MacDonald, I...
- There's nothing I can do!
You'll have to take it up
with the loving provider.
Mrs. Flanagan's husband!
He's paying for all this!
Did you notice all the expensive
handwork on the coffin?
The little brass
angels? And lambs?
And pineapples?
Mr. MacDonald, I
cannot possibly discuss
this with Malcolm Flanagan,
but I will do anything.
I must get my brooch back!
I will do anything! Anything!
I have an uncle with swine flu!
I'll give him your
card! Anything!
I'm... I'm sorry!
Oh!
Well?
Mr. MacDonald says
there's nothing he can do.
He wants me to discuss it
with Malcolm, as if I could!
Can you imagine
bringing up something
like this to the
grieving husband?!
Yes! We'll be waiting
for you right here.
Malcolm just went
into the Slumber Room.
Arthur, I couldn't!
Maude! This has not
been an easy day for me.
The Peaceful Fountain
was out of order.
And you are
responsible for losing
an irreplaceable family
heirloom. Irreplaceable!
And never once have you
thought of me! My feelings.
You don't care about my loss!
You're no friend of
mine, Maude Findlay!
Arthur, I do care! I do!
If you had one
shred of sensitivity,
you'd go to that grieving husband
and make him give me back my brooch!
Alright!
Alright!
But I am not having
a good time here.
- Malcolm.
- Maude!
Oh, thank you for coming!
I'm sorry for your
troubles, Malcolm.
Maude,
how can I go on without Hattie?
She was one in a million!
One in a million.
She was one in 10 million.
Oh, Malcolm. Malcolm,
Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.
There are so many
things I could say,
but there's one in particular
I'd like to zero in on.
Maude, you may find
this hard to believe,
but some people
didn't like Hattie.
Malcolm, how can you say that?
Look at the crowd
that turned out.
They're not here to mourn.
They all want something.
She loved you, Maude.
Did you know that?
Me?
Oh, I had no idea.
She thought of you
as her only true friend.
Oh, no.
You and I, we loved
her for what she was,
not for what she had.
We're not hypocrites
like those others.
She's gone, Maude! She's gone!
What are we going to do?!
I don't know! We're
both in such trouble!
I can't do it. I
just... I cannot do it.
That poor man is just
grief-stricken over his loss!
You think he's grief-stricken
now?! Wait till I go in there
and tell him that his wife
is wearing stolen property!
I can have her arrested!
Arthur, she's dead.
Then I'll have her impounded
at the police station.
Alright, Arthur.
Alright, alright,
I will get you back
your damn brooch!
Hattie, forgive me.
Oh, Hattie!
It's that kind of grief that makes
you proud to be in this business.
There!
I hope you're satisfied.
May God forgive me.
I'm sorry, Maudie. I really am.
But I just couldn't let
Hattie be buried with it.
I couldn't even let
Agnes be buried with it
and that was her final request.
It's the only thing of
hers that I have left.
- Hers? What do you mean 'hers'?
- What 'hers'?
Hers. You said hers. Whose hers?
Oh, alright, alright, alright.
If you must know,
I bought this for Agnes on
our first wedding anniversary.
Arthur, you gave that to me
on our first wedding anniversary!
That's right!
And all the time it was Agnes'?!
You told me that was
an old family heirloom!
It is! It is!
I've always considered
you one of the family!
- Give me that!
- Ow!
How could Vivian
do such a thing?
Don't worry, Arthur.
Hattie will give
it back to Agnes.
She's bound to run
into her down there.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And then there's Maude. ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Mrs. Naugatuck,
will you please hurry?
We have to be at the
funeral home in half an hour!
Why, tonight, of all nights
did I let Vivian talk me into
going to that
ridiculous charity affair?
I mean, how can we possibly
first go to poor Hattie
Flanagan's funeral
and then rush
right out to a ball?
Mrs. Na... will you be
careful with that needle?!
If I start bleeding at Hattie Flanagan's
funeral, she'll think I'm showing off!
I'm doin' me flippin' best.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I snapped
at you. I really am.
It's just that...
Oh, I'm so depressed
and so upset at the ordeal
I'm going to have to go
to through in a little while.
These parties of
Vivian's are a drag.
- Mother!
- Oh, hello, dear!
Mother, what a great dress!
Oh, well, thank you, Carol.
Is that for Hattie
Flanagan's funeral
or the Daughters of
Tuckahoe charity ball?
Both.
I want to look
bereaved at the funeral,
yet bored at the ball.
- All finished, ma'am.
- Oh, thank you, dear.
That hem should hold as long
as you don't dance too hard.
Oh, I won't. The band
tonight is Victor Fromen
and his All-Accordion Orchestra.
I mean, how many times can
you dance to Lady of Spain?
Well, don't give up.
Perhaps the
organist at the funeral
will play something catchy.
Don't wait up for me, Mother.
Carol, what do you mean?
You're going to the funeral with us.
No, I have a date with Andy.
Carol. Carol, we need you!
Oh, I'm... poor,
sweet, gentle Hattie
was such a hateful person,
there'll be nobody there!
I'm sorry!
Carol! Carol, I promised
her husband Malcolm
that with our family and the
Harmons and Mrs. Naugatuck
there'd be at least
six people there.
Mother, I didn't like Hattie and
I'm not going to be a hypocrite!
Carol, please, just this once.
Be a hypocrite, for your mother.
Look, every time I saw
Hattie, she'd say to me
"When are you gonna
get married again?
Why can't you find a nice man?
What's wrong with you?"
Why should I go see
her now that she's dead?
Just for the fun of it?
Have a good time.
Last funeral I invite you to!
I don't know why you're so set
on going to Hattie's funeral, ma'am!
- You've always hated her.
- It's not important.
She was a part of my life
and, in spite of everything,
I always considered
myself Hattie's friend.
Her friend? The last
time she was here,
you called her a
malicious, two-faced gossip!
Who else but a friend
could tell her a thing like that?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Vivian, we'll be ready
to go to the funeral home
just as soon as
Walter gets back.
Maude, Maude, I just
don't think I can do it.
I just don't.
- What?
- Go to the funeral.
Vivian, you've got to go!
But, Maude, I'm very nervous
about going to see Hattie.
You may think this odd,
but I've never actually seen a
body that wasn't alive before.
Vivian, what are
you talking about?
You've been married
to Arthur for three years!
That was cruel, Maude.
The truth always hurts.
- Vivian, we were only joking.
- Oh yeah, I know,
I know, Maude,
but I... I just
don't want to go.
- Vivian!
- I felt very strange
about these things, Maude,
ever since I was a little girl.
When I was four years old,
I found out about death,
and I said, oh, I said,
"That's never going
to happen to me
because when it's
time for me to die,
I'm gonna move."
And I don't know why you're so
nervous about death, Mrs. Harmon.
We older people know
that death is a fact of life.
You've just got to live
with it, even if it kills you!
She's right! Mrs. Naugatuck...
What the hell did you just say?
Well, anyway, Vivian, I do think
it is high time you
faced up to the fact
that people do die.
And Hattie Flanagan's
funeral is perfect!
- Why?
- Well, I mean,
it's certainly easier
to begin with someone
you could never stand!
- I suppose you're right.
- I'm always right, Viv.
- That's true.
- I'm glad that's settled
and I hope you both
have a smashin' evening!
Mrs. Naugatuck...
Wait a minute! Wait!
You are going to the funeral.
No, ma'am, I don't want to.
- But Mrs. Naugatuck...
- I refuse to be a hypocrite!
Mrs. Naugatuck, I...
Well, at least I know that
I can count on Walter
and Arthur and you
to be at the funeral, huh, Viv?
But Maude, it's so awkward.
There are so many
unanswered questions.
I know, I know.
What to do, what to say...
No, what to wear.
That's why I came over.
I'd like to have my brooch back.
What brooch?
You know, the brooch
I lent you, remember?
We were at the benefit breakfast
at the First Presbyterian Church,
and they wouldn't let you in
until you covered your cleavage?
Gold, enamel,
in the shape of a
large cockroach.
That was a dragonfly.
I wouldn't have a
roach for a brooch.
Vivian!
Anyway, Vivian,
I'm sure I gave it back to you
because I know I don't have it.
No, you did not
give it back to me!
And Maude, that brooch is an
heirloom from Arthur's family!
- You're kidding?
- Oh, that brooch
is worth over $500!
Fi-five hundred...
Vivian, why didn't you tell me?!
I didn't know you
were going to lose it!
How dare you trust
me with a $500 brooch!
- How dare you!
- I'm sorry!
You are totally irresponsible!
I didn't want to give it to you,
but they wouldn't
let you in without it.
And you were my
very best friend.
There, there, there,
there, Vivian. I forgive you.
I probably would have done the
same thing under the circumstances.
Oh, thank you, Maude!
What could I have done with...
Natalie Morgan.
- Natalie Morgan?
- Natalie Morgan.
I probably lent it to her.
She was at that
benefit breakfast.
You know how she's
always borrowing things,
never returning them. I
hate that type, don't you?
Think you can get it back?
You just listen to me.
You are going to have
a lesson in diplomacy!
Hello, Natalie!
Maude!
I know! It has been
forever! Months!
How've you been? Oh,
great! Honey, come on,
let's just catch
up on everything!
How is my brooch?
Well, you know,
the one I lent you,
gold and enamel in the
shape of a dragon-roach?
I never lent it to you?
Oh, well, let's do
this soon again!
Bye, Natalie!
Vivian, Vivian, I'll think
of whom I gave it to.
- Just give me a minute.
- Maude, If Arthur finds out
I've lost that brooch,
he'll never forgive me.
- Hi, sweetheart!
- Oh, Walter, where
have you been?
We have to be down
at the funeral home
in 30 minutes to pay
our respects to Hattie.
Maude, I'm not
going to the funeral.
Walter, you don't mean that.
Maude, I had a very hard day.
A big party and Hattie's funeral
would be too much
entertainment for one night!
What is this, a
conspiracy against me?
First Carol said she won't go, and
then Mrs. Naugatuck, now you?!
Maude, I never had any use
for Hattie when she was alive!
If I went to her funeral,
I'd be a hypocrite!
What kind of a family is this?!
Am I the only hypocrite left?!
- I'm not going.
- Walter!
Hello, everybody!
Look, Walter, you see,
Arthur's all dressed.
- He's going.
- Actually, this
is my grief suit.
I only put it on when
I'm going to a funeral.
You being a surgeon, I hope
it came with two pair of pants.
Arthur. Arthur, you never cared
for Hattie Flanagan, did you?
No! I couldn't stand her.
And yet you are
going to her funeral.
Oh, I wouldn't
miss it for the world.
You see, Walter? Arthur has the
proper attitude about these things.
Forget it, Maude. I'm not going.
- Walter.
- If Hattie asks for me,
you tell her I had to work late!
Walter! She'll
never believe that!
Walter's just nervous about
going to see Hattie like I am.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
He was very brave
and helpful to me
when my poor wife
Agnes died, God bless her.
You know something? That's
the last time I wore this suit.
Vivian, did I ever tell
you about Agnes' funeral?
You showed me the slides.
I don't believe I ever
showed them to you, Maude.
I took them, Arthur.
Oh. Well, then you
probably remember.
The music, the flowers,
it's one thing I
can say for Agnes
she sure had a nice departure.
Departure?
Arthur, you sound like
she left for Pittsburgh,
and you expect her back any day.
Vivian, you can't
expect me to ignore
my first wife just
because she's dead.
Why not? It never stopped
you while she was alive.
Vivian, I just stopped
by to tell you that
I have to drop
into the hospital.
I'll meet you later. Oh!
Where's Hattie being laid out?
McDonald's.
McDonald's?
Arthur, it's a funeral
home on Main Street.
- Oh!
- Next to the Burger King.
Well, I'll meet
you all there later.
I think it's nice that
Hattie's at MacDonald's.
She deserves a break today.
Oh, Maude, you've
got to find that brooch!
Vivian, we have the rest of
our lives to find the brooch.
- Now, we have to
get to the funeral.
- Oh, well, I can't go!
- Vivian.
- Well, I'm too upset about my brooch!
Look, Vivian, if you
don't come to this funeral,
I am not going to
your charity party!
Now that's not fair!
I'm too upset for
my first funeral!
Vivian, I mean it!
- Oh! All right. All right, I'll go.
- Good.
But I am going
to feel like a... er...
What is that everybody
says they feel like?
- A hypocrite?
- Me, too!
Ah, Mrs. Findlay.
Mr. MacDonald. This is
my friend, Mrs. Harmon.
This is her first funeral.
I see.
Well, let's hope it won't
be your last, Mrs. Harmon.
Ah, I must say
that I did not expect
such a large turnout
for Mrs. Flanagan.
There's always a big crowd
when you give the
people what they want.
Maude, if we have to do
this, let's get it over with.
Come on now, Vivian,
you're going to be just fine.
Uh, Mr. MacDonald,
where is Mrs. Flanagan?
In the Unending Slumber room,
right past the
Peaceful Fountain.
Ah, Peaceful Fountain.
Don't go in there.
That's the men's room.
Maude, I can't do it.
Vivian, just keep your eyes
closed and hold my hand,
like you did when we saw Jaws.
Okay, now, Vivian,
straight ahead,
you're gonna be just fine.
Don't tell me when we get
to the coffin or I'll scream.
Vivian, open your eyes.
Oh, no, I don't want
to. I can't, I can't.
You really should, Vivian.
- I don't...
- Come on, open your eyes.
I'll try.
Oh.
Oh, Maude, look at Hattie.
She's so peaceful and content.
She's even smiling.
She should be. She's
wearing your brooch.
Maude, that's my brooch!
What is Hattie Flanagan
doing with my brooch?!
Vivian, would you
lower your voice!
What is Hattie Flanagan
doing with my brooch?!
I don't know. Oh, good Lord,
don't tell me I lent it to her!
What was it, some kind
of going-away present?!
- People are staring!
- I don't care!
I want my brooch back
and I want it back now!
Ladies! Ladies, is
there some problem?
Oh, no, no, it's not important.
My friend is overcome, that's all.
I understand.
It's difficult, Mrs. Harmon,
but we must learn to let go.
Let go?! That is not
leaving this room!
Ah, Herbert! Good to see you.
Maude! Arthur!
When he sees that
brooch, he'll kill me!
Oh, Vivian, don't worry!
You know. He
won't even notice it.
- They were very close.
- Let's get out of here. Out.
Vivian, what is the
meaning of this?!
What is my precious heirloom
doing on Hattie Flanagan?!
Arthur, let's go into the office
where we can speak freely.
Maude, I don't see how
this is any of your concern.
- This is between
me and Vivian!
- Right.
You come back here!
It is, too, her concern, she's the one
who gave my brooch to Hattie Flanagan!
Maude!
Oh, Arthur, I'm so
sorry! It was an accident!
I am so sorry! I
just remembered.
Hattie was at that
benefit breakfast
and she wanted to show
the brooch to Malcolm.
He collects old
jewelry and rare bugs.
It would have been
perfect for him.
I forgot all about it.
Arthur, I am so sorry!
Maude, this is
extremely serious.
Now, I demand that
you get my brooch back!
Get it... how?!
How should I know? Go in
there and take it off of her.
- Arthur!
- Maude,
I am holding you
personally responsible!
Oh, excuse me.
Maybe you should talk this
over with Mr. MacDonald, Maude.
Come on, Vivian. I have to
go to the Peaceful Fountain.
Uh, Mr. MacDonald.
Just one moment, Mrs. Findlay.
It's time to change the music
we pipe into the Slumber Room.
What is it you're putting on?
One of Mrs. Flanagan's
personal favorites. Listen.
- It's lovely.
- Isn't it?
Mr. MacDonald, I...
Mr. MacDonald.
Ronald.
There's something
that I have to ask you.
I hate having to
do it, but I must.
You see, the brooch that
Mrs. Flanagan is wearing
is actually the
property of Mrs. Harmon
and she wants it back.
Oh, dear! I'm afraid
that's impossible.
- But, Mr. MacDonald, I...
- There's nothing I can do!
You'll have to take it up
with the loving provider.
Mrs. Flanagan's husband!
He's paying for all this!
Did you notice all the expensive
handwork on the coffin?
The little brass
angels? And lambs?
And pineapples?
Mr. MacDonald, I
cannot possibly discuss
this with Malcolm Flanagan,
but I will do anything.
I must get my brooch back!
I will do anything! Anything!
I have an uncle with swine flu!
I'll give him your
card! Anything!
I'm... I'm sorry!
Oh!
Well?
Mr. MacDonald says
there's nothing he can do.
He wants me to discuss it
with Malcolm, as if I could!
Can you imagine
bringing up something
like this to the
grieving husband?!
Yes! We'll be waiting
for you right here.
Malcolm just went
into the Slumber Room.
Arthur, I couldn't!
Maude! This has not
been an easy day for me.
The Peaceful Fountain
was out of order.
And you are
responsible for losing
an irreplaceable family
heirloom. Irreplaceable!
And never once have you
thought of me! My feelings.
You don't care about my loss!
You're no friend of
mine, Maude Findlay!
Arthur, I do care! I do!
If you had one
shred of sensitivity,
you'd go to that grieving husband
and make him give me back my brooch!
Alright!
Alright!
But I am not having
a good time here.
- Malcolm.
- Maude!
Oh, thank you for coming!
I'm sorry for your
troubles, Malcolm.
Maude,
how can I go on without Hattie?
She was one in a million!
One in a million.
She was one in 10 million.
Oh, Malcolm. Malcolm,
Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.
There are so many
things I could say,
but there's one in particular
I'd like to zero in on.
Maude, you may find
this hard to believe,
but some people
didn't like Hattie.
Malcolm, how can you say that?
Look at the crowd
that turned out.
They're not here to mourn.
They all want something.
She loved you, Maude.
Did you know that?
Me?
Oh, I had no idea.
She thought of you
as her only true friend.
Oh, no.
You and I, we loved
her for what she was,
not for what she had.
We're not hypocrites
like those others.
She's gone, Maude! She's gone!
What are we going to do?!
I don't know! We're
both in such trouble!
I can't do it. I
just... I cannot do it.
That poor man is just
grief-stricken over his loss!
You think he's grief-stricken
now?! Wait till I go in there
and tell him that his wife
is wearing stolen property!
I can have her arrested!
Arthur, she's dead.
Then I'll have her impounded
at the police station.
Alright, Arthur.
Alright, alright,
I will get you back
your damn brooch!
Hattie, forgive me.
Oh, Hattie!
It's that kind of grief that makes
you proud to be in this business.
There!
I hope you're satisfied.
May God forgive me.
I'm sorry, Maudie. I really am.
But I just couldn't let
Hattie be buried with it.
I couldn't even let
Agnes be buried with it
and that was her final request.
It's the only thing of
hers that I have left.
- Hers? What do you mean 'hers'?
- What 'hers'?
Hers. You said hers. Whose hers?
Oh, alright, alright, alright.
If you must know,
I bought this for Agnes on
our first wedding anniversary.
Arthur, you gave that to me
on our first wedding anniversary!
That's right!
And all the time it was Agnes'?!
You told me that was
an old family heirloom!
It is! It is!
I've always considered
you one of the family!
- Give me that!
- Ow!
How could Vivian
do such a thing?
Don't worry, Arthur.
Hattie will give
it back to Agnes.
She's bound to run
into her down there.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And then there's Maude. ♪