Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 23 - Carol's Promotion - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Mr. Lambert's office.

One moment.

Your wife's on line one.

Loraine, are you sure
he remembers I'm here?

Relax, Carol. Now
you know Mr. Lambert.

He's a busy guy. He'll
see you when he can.



I know I promised to come
home early today, dear,

but I've got a
corporation to run.

Yes, dear, of course I love you.

You know there's nothing
in the world I'd like better

than to be on my way
home right this minute,

but, in addition
to everything else,

I've got to make
out an annual report.

I've got the budget to
go over for next year,

I have 101 things! I'm swamped.

Yes, and I love you, too.

Okay, fellas, enough
work for one day,

let's go and have a drink.

Good idea.

I'll get cleaned up.

Uh, oh.

Carol Traynor is
still waiting outside.

I completely forgot.

Carol Traynor. Ernie, how
can anybody forget about her?

It's about that
job she's up for.

Department Head in
Customer Relations?

Oh, yes.

You said you'd
let her know today.

That's right.

Uh-oh.

Miss. Peterson, would you,
ah. Just a minute, please.

Would you ask Carol
to come in now, please?

You want a copy of her
employment record, chief?

No, Ernie, I know hers by heart.

- Carol.
- Hi, Carol.

Carol...

After three hours in this
room with Andrews and Bell,

I can't tell you how nice
it is to see a pretty face.

Thank you, Mr. Lambert.

Come on, I tell you 100
times, the name is Bob.

Oh, well, according to
your wife, it's Mr. Lambert.

That's what she calls
me. You call me Bob.

- Sit down.
- Thanks.

I just want you to know, Carol,

that we value your work in
Customer Relations very highly.

Right, fellas?

- Right.
- Right, chief.

Very highly indeed.

Well, thank you.

I don't know what to say.

That idea of yours
for the trouble-shooter

24-hour phone service,

things like that have
bought the company

thousands of dollars
worth of goodwill.

Oh, this sounds like it's
going to be good news.

Oh, yes. Yes. It's going
to be very good news.

Because, as of next week...

Yes?

I'm going to raise your
salary by $100 a month.

Oh, that's... wonderful.

I mean, I take it... This
means I get the job?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no.
I'm sorry, no, Carol.

No, we think you are
too valuable right now

as the best damned department
assistant in the whole company.

Right, fellas?

- Right.
- Right, chief.

I mean, you're going
to be a tremendous help

to the new department head,

as soon as we
find the right man.

The right man.

I am more than
qualified for this job,

you've said so yourself.

Now, why shouldn't
I have this job?

- Because I'm a woman?
- Carol, believe me,

this company is behind
equal opportunity for women.

Yeah, 20 years behind.

Carol, how can you say that?

This is the company that
put Midol in the ladies lounge!

We've come a long way, baby.

Mr. Lambert, I don't
think this is a joking matter.

No, no. Carol, Carol,

this job is just not the
right job for a woman.

- It's important, you know?
- What did you say?

Oh, no, no. No, I
didn't mean it that way.

Carol,

this job, you're gonna
meet customers after hours.

You got to wine
them and dine them

and entertain them. They
see a pretty girl like you,

they're going to think
you're the entertainment.

What you're telling me is
that you're buying me off

with a raise because
you think I'm too attractive.

It's a rotten deal, Carol. Okay?

And I just want you to
know unofficially I hate it.

I don't believe this.

Mr. Lambert, you'd better get
rid of your old-fashioned attitudes,

and you'd better get rid of
your notions about women.

And, while you're at it, you
should get rid of that sissy cologne!

Well, that's the real problem
with women in business.

- They're too emotional.
- That's a disgraceful outburst.

Silly, emotional display.

No self-control at all.

She sure is a nice
little hunk though.

Isn't she?

- Right.
- Right, chief.

- Hey!
- Oh...

I hate games about high finance.

I'll pass Chase Manhattan
and declare bankruptcy.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Why don't you take over Lockheed

and let the government
bail you out?

Mrs. Naugatuck, don't you
think the stuffed mushrooms

are about ready?

I think it's a bit early yet.

But just to be on the safe side,

why don't you go
and give them a look?

Well, if you put it that way.

Now let's see...

what is left on the board?

Mrs. Naugatuck,
if I'm not mistaken,

that's the telephone.

You're not mistaken.
That's what it is all right.

I would fire her in a minute
if she weren't so gorgeous.

Hello?

Andy! How are you?

No, Carol isn't home.

The big meeting
down at the office?

Yeah, I'm dying to find
out what happened, too.

Okay, Andy, I'll have
her call you. Bye, bye.

Andy? Is that Carol's Andy?
Is it somebody brand-new?

Well, he's been married once,
so I guess he's slightly used.

But Carol's been seeing
him for a couple of weeks.

- Really seems to like him.
- What's he look like?

Well, I haven't
actually met him,

I've just spoken to him
on the phone a few times.

But he sounds very tall.

Well, how come we
haven't met the guy?

Is Carol ashamed
of him or something?

Maybe she's ashamed of us.

Why would she be ashamed of us?

We're two warm
wonderful human beings.

You said so yourself.

Once I said that.

In the privacy of our bedroom.

And then I said I was
wonderful, and you were warm.

Are we going to sit
around listening to

Walter's personality profile, or
can we get on with this game?

Arthur, don't be such a
twit, it was just getting juicy.

That's exactly why I don't
like to play games with women.

They just don't have the powers
of concentration we men do.

Especially for a game about
big business like Success.

- It's a man's game.
- Arthur?

I have just won your
shipyard, your Toyota factory

and your Chilean copper mine.

All you have left is 80 percent
ownership of Howard Cosell,

which means that
you're bankrupt.

- Carol!
- Oh, hi, Carol!

Well? Well, well? Carol,

tell me, did they give it to
you? Did they give it to you?

Boy, did they give it to me?

Honey, what happened?

I got a $25 a week raise.

- Hey! That's terrific!
- Wow!

This calls for a celebration!

Oh, let's open a
bottle of Sangria

and just toast ourselves silly!

Vivian. Arthur, wait. This
raise is not good news.

Oh, I get it. Tax problems, eh?

Well, don't worry, Carol, I'll
set you up with my accountant.

He's brilliant. The
man's an absolute thief!

Arthur, instead of a promotion,
they gave me a raise to buy me off.

I was in line to be head of the customer
relations department. It's so unfair.

Mother, it's a case
of outright prejudice.

Carol, I know you're disappointed,
but don't lose your perspective.

Bob Lambert is a top executive
who thinks only of his company.

He's a fair and decent man.

That's right, Carol. You've
got to keep the old perspective.

Look, when I was a little boy, I used
to go to a Catholic camp in the summer

and all the kids picked on me.

I thought it was because
I was Episcopalian.

And then one summer I
went to an Episcopalian

camp, and those
kids picked on me, too.

All I'm saying is that
when things go wrong,

you have to take a
good look at yourself.

I finally figured it out.

The reason those
kids picked on me

is because they knew I
was better than they were.

Which also explains why
now nobody picks on you.

Carol, honey, what did they say?

I mean, what
reason did they give?

You would never guess
it in a million years.

Oh, come on, Carol. You're much too
pretty to be a Department Head anyway.

He guessed it.

Do you mean that they turned you
down because you're an attractive woman?

Well... That's
what they told me.

Oh, well, that's not fair.

Mrs. Paul is an
attractive woman,

and she runs an entire Mrs. Paul's
Frozen Fish Sticks dinner company.

- Vivian.
- And fish cakes.

- Vivian!
- Chips?

Vivian.

They implied I was
too sexy for the job.

Oh, Carol. I mean, that's so silly.
You're always the perfect lady.

I mean, you don't go bouncing
around the office all day.

I mean, not any more
than you can help.

That's right and that is exactly
the reason I didn't get the job.

- What do you mean, Carol?
- Bob Lambert is always
coming onto me.

You know, taking my hand,

asking me out for drinks.

I never give him any encouragement, I
always act very cool and professional.

Listen, I'm sure if I were a little
friendlier, I could get that job.

Now look, Carol.

Using sex to win over the
boss is no way to get ahead.

I mean, it is, but not
for any daughter of mine.

Mother, it's so
frustrating. I mean...

it would be so easy to
play Bob Lambert's game.

You know, I could wear sexy
dresses, and brush up against him

and fall into his arms laughing
when he tells one of his dumb jokes,

and then, you know?

What? What then?

- What? What? Then what?
- Vivian!

What?

Oh, come on,
Maudie, be realistic!

What's the matter with a
woman being a little sexy?

Now look, Arthur,
you stop right there.

No, I mean it.

Now all the nurses
over at the hospital

that act that way really
advanced their careers.

They're the first ones
to get out of bedpan duty.

That's because
you men are all alike.

Since the beginning of time.

I mean, even in
the garden of Eden,

Adam had only one
thing on his mind.

And it wasn't a piece of fruit.

I tell you, it's all your fault.

- Our fault?
- Oh, don't put the blame

on men, Maude. Women ask for it.

You see the way women
dress at work these days?

You should see my receptionist,

Miss. Spivey, and
her short skirts.

And my file clerk, Audrey,
and her tight hip-hugger slacks!

And that heavy perfume?

And the bending over.

- And the sweaters with no bra.
- Oh, the sweater with no bra.

Down, boys!

Why don't you two go out
and hose each other off?

Typical men.

Yep. Typical... and right.

I've been with that company for six
years, and I'm still emptying bed-pans.

What kind of company is it?

Mother, when I started with
Lambert, I believed all of that jazz

about ability and hard
work getting you to the top.

I have seen people get promoted
who don't have half the ability I do!

No, to hell with it!

Maybe I'll just play
Bob Lambert's game!

Carol! Carol, you're not
going to do anything foolish!

Oh, no. On the contrary. I'm going to
do something very smart for a change.

Listen, by next week I'll be
head of Customer Relations.

You know what?
Maybe I'll go all the way!

Become Executive Vice-President!

Now Carol, listen! You listen
to me! Carol, I'm not... Ca...

- Walter.
- Maude.

Don't worry about Carol.

She's just talking.
She won't do anything.

Walter, do you really think so?

Of course, sweetheart, I
know Carol, she's just like you.

Oh, my God!

Please, Maude! Get
with it. Play the game.

Come on, Maude. You
just won Vivian's gravel pit.

You could really clean up now.

Will you two just
leave her alone?

Can't you see she has more
important things on her mind

than this stupid old game?

Don't you know she's just
worried sick about Carol?

Maude, listen, if you don't want to play
this stupid old game, you don't have to.

Oh, Vivian, thank you.
I really don't want to.

Goody, I get my gravel pit back!

- That is not fair!
- Quiet now!

Let her have the
damn gravel pit!

- Oh!
- Now look what you did, Maude!

You broke my Toyota factory!
That was my favorite piece!

Tough teriyaki.

- Well. Come along, Vivian.
- Oh!

I don't think I care
to spend the evening

with a poor sport
who has no regard

for other people's
Japanese assembly plants.

I want to play some more!

We'll play a game at home.

Cowboy and school ma'am?

Vivian!

I've often wondered why Vivian
keeps that bolt of calico around.

Look what you did, Maude.
You ruined our evening.

This is all Bob Lambert's fault.

I should get all my friends
to boycott his products.

Except very few of my
friends buy grain elevators.

Maude, will you stop
worrying about Carol?

If all it takes for her to
get ahead in her company

is a harmless flirtation
with her boss, so what?

I will tell you so what, Walter.

It is immoral to use sex
instead of ability to get ahead.

- You're exaggerating.
- Exaggerating?

Walter, take my real-estate job.

You know that parcel of land down
on the corner of Carver and Clipwood?

I could get rid of
that property like that.

Only the buyer doesn't want
to close the deal at the office,

he wants me to meet
him over cocktails.

How would you like it, Walter, if
your wife went out with another man

just to close the deal?

I mean, what would
you say to that?

Sure, why not? I mean,
business is business.

Walter, you would
approve of that?

You would stand still for that?

Of course, it's just a
real-estate deal, right?

Right. A typical
real-estate deal.

He wants to sign the
papers in a cocktail bar,

and go back to his
apartment for the title search.

Oh, Walter, what am I
going to do about Carol?

Maude, if you're so upset about this,
why don't you go up and talk to her?

I can't. She'll say
I'm interfering.

Now why would she say that?

Because of those
damn grape snips.

Grape snips?

Walter, 13 years ago, when
Carol was on her honeymoon,

a package arrived
in the mail for her

and I opened it by mistake
thinking it was for me.

It was a wedding present from her
father, a little pair of silver scissors,

you know, for snipping
grapes. Well, Carol was furious.

She accused me of invading her
privacy and she's never forgiven me.

Maude, that was 13 years ago.

Carol doesn't carry a grudge.

She's a loving,
kind-hearted person.

She is, isn't she, Walter?

And she needs me now to
help her with this problem.

Well, I'm older and wiser,

so I guess it's up to me
to make the first move.

That's the adult
way to handle it.

Thank you, darling.

What if Carol gets defensive?

She can be very, very stubborn.
What if I walk into the room

and she accuses me of
butting in, trying to run her life?

- Maude, Carol has...
- You're always taking up for her.

I'm the one who's
being attacked.

And, of course, she'll bring up that darn
business about the grape-snips again.

I'll tell you something, Walter, I've
had it up to here with her attitude.

Carol, you can take those grape
snips and stick them in your ear.

And where do you think
you're going in that dress?

Well, if you must know, I'm
having cocktails with Bob Lambert.

What do you mean, you're
having cocktails with Bob Lambert?

I called him and told him I wanted to
discuss my future with the company,

so we're going to
do it over drinks.

- What grape snips?
- Don't change the subject.

It's just a business
meeting, Maude.

That's right.

Mother, which one of
these coats do you think

I should wear with this dress?

With that dress, wear them both.

- Mother.
- Carol,

how can you go out and meet
your boss in a dress like that?

What would your new boyfriend
Andy say if he saw you in that dress?

I wore this dress on the
third date I had with Andy.

I can tell you
exactly what he said.

- He said, "Ooh, I
can't wait till we get..."

- I don't wanna hear it!

Carol, what about
the dignity of women?

What about all those principles
you've fought so hard for?

Mother, I am doing
what's right for me.

Now look, if I can get this job

by playing footsie
with Bob Lambert,

I'll be in a position to help
other women get ahead.

Trust me, Mother,
I'm your daughter.

I can't quarrel
with you on that.

I'm your mother.

Walter, you're a stranger.
You argue with her.

Maude, I'm no stranger.

I'm an important
member of this family.

Which is why I'm going
to take out the garbage.

Mother, I don't like this any more than
you do, but it's something I have to do.

Carol, I'm warning you.

You will be going against everything
I have ever tried to teach you.

You will be slapping
me in the face.

Carol, our relationship can
never be the same again.

So before you walk out that door
you just think about that, young lady.

Don't wait up for me.

Can't you take a joke?

Oh, Walter.

It's 6:00 A.M.

and WHYN begins its broadcast
day by wishing you a cheery...

Carol? Carol, are you home?

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Walked off the job today,
in support of striking police...

No! No, Robert.

Oh,

oh, Mr. Redford, you mustn't!

- Oh!
- Mrs. Naugatuck, wake up.

I think Robert Redford
is having a nightmare.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Mrs. Naugatuck!

Ah? Hmm.

Mrs. Naugatuck,
are you all right?

Well, I was until
you woke me up.

Mrs. Naugatuck, what are you doing
down here at this hour of the morning?

Well, there was a movie I wanted
to see on the late, late show.

I must have dozed off.

It was "Bedtime for Bonzo,"

starring Ronald Reagan
and Bonzo the chimpanzee.

Isn't he running for president?

No, Mr. Reagan is.

Natural mistake.

Oh, I haven't slept
a wink all night.

Carol hasn't come home yet.

Oh, Mrs. Findlay, it's
not as bad as you think.

Oh, how could it be worse?

My daughter, spending the night with
her boss just to advance her career.

Oh, nothing has changed.

We're still trapped in a system

that victimizes
good-looking women.

I tell you, Mrs. Naugatuck,
beauty is a curse.

How well I know.

You know, I faced
the same problem

many times in my career.

But I can honestly say

that I have never
cheapened myself

for the sake of advancement.

Good for you, Mrs. Naugatuck.

I always did it for fun.

What is this? What is
everybody doing up?

Oh, goodness! It's 6:00 A.M.!

I must get some sleep. I've
got to be up at half past five.

Maude, what are you doing
up at this hour anyway?

Oh, it's Carol, isn't it?

No, I just had a few chores.

At 6:00 in the
morning? What chores?

How should I know?
What am I, a farmer?

Maude, will you stop torturing
yourself? Carol's a big girl.

You're foolish
to get this upset.

Walter, I am a mother
and mothers get upset.

Haven't you two been to bed yet?

I might ask you
the same question?

Mother, I'm not going
to argue with you.

- Don't worry, I'm not
gonna make a scene.
- Good.

I'm not going to scream.
I'm not going to lecture.

Good.

- I'm just going to shut up.
- When?

Don't you get sarcastic
with me, young lady.

I wasn't the one who
stayed out all night.

My conscience is clear.

I have done nothing
to be ashamed of.

Good for you, Mother.

Now listen to me, Car-

I'm not going to say a word.

Carol, I want you to know
that our relationship can never,

ever be the same
again, because I think

what you did was shameful,
and unethical and immoral.

So I'm not even going
to ask you what you did.

Okay.

- Goodnight.
- Ugh!

Uh, would you mind
waking me up at 11?

At 11?

Did Mr. Lambert give
you the morning off?

For being such a good sport?

No, as a matter of fact, I'm
not going into work today. I quit.

You quit?

Mother, five minutes
after I met Lambert,

I realized I wasn't gonna play.

So we had this huge argument,

and I told him what he could
do with his grain elevators.

And then I was so upset,
I went over to see Andy.

And that's where I've been.

Now I'm not upset anymore.

Oh, Carol. Oh, Carol, then you
didn't... I mean, you did, but...

Honey, why didn't you tell me?

Because you said
you didn't want to know.

Oh, Carol, God bless
you. You're a good girl.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, I have such
a good daughter.

She never mixes
business with pleasure.

- That reminds me, Maude.
- Yes, Walter?

Would some guy really
buy that property from you

if you had a few
drinks with him?

It's silly, isn't it?

What the hell goes on down
at that real-estate office?

You're supposed to
be selling real-estate,

not fooling around with
the customers in bars!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude... ♪