Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 20 - Mrs. Naugatuck's Citizenship - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

No, Mrs. Naugatuck.

- For the tenth time,
that's wrong.
- Wrong?

Yes. I'm sorry, Mrs. Naugatuck.

My answer was wrong?

Mrs. Naugatuck, I
don't understand this.

Now yesterday, when we
were going over these questions



for your final citizenship
test, you knew all the answers.

Today you can't
remember a thing.

Mrs. Naugatuck, the reason
we fought the Revolutionary War

was we did not want
taxation without representation.

Well, now you
have representation,

do you like it better?

You are not going to die,
Walter, it is only a cold.

You'll never guess
what he wants now.

Ice cubes, so he can drink
his NyQuil on the rocks.

One little cold, and he
thinks it's the end of the world.

Walter, will you please
stop ringing that bell?

What is it you want now?

When's Arthur
coming to examine me?

Any minute now.

Until he gets here, just keep
playing with your Kleenex.

Well, Mrs. Naugatuck,

how are you making out
with your history questions?

- Not very good, Mother.
- I don't see why
I have to do

another test to
become a citizen.

Well, the examiner said that judge
Fletcher likes to ask his own questions

before he swears a person in.

You know, Judge
Fletcher's descended

from one of America's
greatest families.

The ones who invented Castoria.

One of my ancestors was
a very great American, too.

A very great American?

A very great American.

Thomas Paine.

Thomas Paine?

Well, undoubtedly
you'll go down in history

as an even greater
pain than he was.

But, really, Mrs. Naugatuck,
I don't understand.

Yesterday you knew everything.

You were even able to
list all of the presidents

of the United States in order.

You only forgot one.

- Which one?
- Ford.

For some reason, I
never can remember Ford.

It's easy. Just associate
him with the Edsel.

Mrs... Mrs. Naugatuck,

now here, here's an answer
I think you should know...

Walter, what is it now?

Maude, I think there's a slow
leak in my hot water bottle.

Good.

Maybe it'll short out
your electric blanket.

Maude... why don't I go
up and put a Band-Aid

on his hot water bottle?
After all, I am a doctor's wife.

- Oh, speak of the devil.
- Hi, Maude.

Oh, Arthur, thank
heaven you're here.

That Swiss bell-ringer
upstairs is driving us all crazy.

Will you please go up and explain to
him that there is nothing wrong with him?

Of course.

Well, Mrs. Naugatuck,
tomorrow's the great day, huh?

It is?

Mrs. Naugatuck, tomorrow you're
going to be sworn in as a citizen.

Oh. Oh yes, that's right.

Good. What time are
you gonna be sworn in?

Sworn in for what?

Your citizenship.

Arthur, you'll have to
forgive Mrs. Naugatuck.

She can't seem to be
able to concentrate today.

As a matter of fact, I'm beginning
to wonder if she doesn't have a few...

Mrs. Naugatuck, are you acquainted
with the American slang expression,

- "To have a few
screws loose?"
- No.

I'm beginning to wonder if she
doesn't have a few screws loose.

Arthur, I'm dying!

Come on up and
bring a deck of cards.

Well, that sounds serious.

- Mrs. Naugatuck, are you ready
to go on with the test?
- Oh, yes.

Mrs. Naugatuck!

Mrs. Naugatuck, you
dropped your teacup.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Never mind. Go on.
Ask her another question.

Uh...

Who said, "Give me
liberty or give me death?"

Uh...

I'll give you a hint.

The initials are "P.H."

Patty Hearst!

Mrs. Naugatuck, I
don't understand you.

Now, how do you
expect to become a citizen

if you don't even know
who Patrick Henry was?

Who says I don't know
who Patrick Henry was?

Of course I know
who Patrick Henry was!

All right, then, who was he?

Who was who?

I think I'll go and get
myself another cup of tea.

I really don't understand.

I mean, I've been working
with you on these questions

for three weeks now.

What is the matter with you?

I mean, don't you
remember anything?

If I were to ask you who
won the Revolutionary War,

- would you know the answer?
- Yes, you won it.

If we'd won it, I'd be asking
you these flipping questions.

Oh, come on, Walter.
It's just a little cold.

A little cold. Did you
hear that, Maude?

He called a temperature
of 98.7 just a little cold.

Walter, please. That is one
tenth of a degree over normal.

I'm burning up with
fever. You don't care.

You could die around here
and nobody would lift a finger.

Don't tempt me, Walter.

Nobody pays any attention to me.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you
dropped your cup again.

It's the second
time she's done that.

Oh, really?

Mrs. Naugatuck,
how are you feeling?

Hey, I'm the one
who's sick here!

Look, Walter, then, why
don't you go back upstairs

and play with your
book of rainy day games?

Mrs. Naugatuck,
how are you feeling?

Well, to tell the truth
I'm not feeling myself.

I think it's a
touch of arthritis.

This morning I
woke up a little dizzy

and my right arm
feels a bit numb.

Well, why didn't
you say something?

Well, I hoped it would go away.

I don't want to miss
being sworn in tomorrow.

If your right
arm's a little numb,

I think I'd better give
you an examination.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we
need some privacy.

Why don't we go in the
kitchen so I can check you out?

Oh, no, I'm not going into the
kitchen to take my clothes off for you.

You don't have to
take your clothes off.

And even if you did,
remember, I'm a doctor.

The sight of a naked woman
means absolutely nothing to me.

That's true.

- Come on, Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Hey, Arthur, what about me?

My arm's numb too!

Please, Walter, if
your arm is numb

it's because you
were sleeping on it.

Well, no, it isn't. It's
numb from the flu.

Some people get
stomach flu, I get elbow flu.

Walter, I can see the impression
the mattress button made.

"Sealy Posturepedic."

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hm.

You're a doctor,

what are all these
"Mm-hms" costing me?

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck, money
is not the important thing here.

Your health is.

And after all, money
can't buy health.

Not from you it can't.

Would you just mind
standing up for a minute?

Now, I know that you
said that your right arm

was a little bit numb,

so I want to test its strength.

We'll start with
the left. Make a fist.

I'm gonna pull on your hand,

and I want you to resist
as much as you can.

- All right?
- Yes, I'll resist
you, all right.

All right. Fine.

Now, the right.

Thank you, Doctor. That's
made me feel much better.

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck,
if you'll just stand quietly.

There's something
I want to listen to.

- What's wrong, Doctor?
- Shh!

All right.

But what is wrong?

Shh!

I just want to know...

Mrs. Naugatuck.

Would you just sit down
and relax for a minute?

Make yourself comfortable

and I'll be back
to explain things.

Well, Arthur?

Well, I don't want
to alarm anybody,

but she's having transient
ischemic episodes.

In English, Arthur. In English!

Well, I'm afraid Mrs. Naugatuck

is having a series
of little strokes.

- Strokes?
- Hmm.

Well, there's just
no doubt about it.

She has all the signs.

Loss of memory,
weakness on the right side,

and also,

and this is very important,

a sound in the neck
which we call a bruit.

It indicates a
narrowing of the artery.

That means that less
blood is getting to the brain,

and that causes a
series of little strokes.

Well, Arthur, with all
due respect to you,

I would like a second opinion.

Oh, I don't blame you, Maudie.

So here it is.

A loss of memory,
weakness on the right side...

Not from you, Arthur!

From another doctor
in case you're wrong.

Me? Wrong?

When was the last
time that I was wrong?

48 hours ago, when you told
Walter he had the 24 hour flu.

Oh, well,

there's no denying Mrs.
Naugatuck's symptoms, Maudie.

- What a shame.
- Poor thing.

These things are very tricky.

Unpredictable.

Sometimes the symptoms
can disappear overnight.

Memory returns,
strength comes back,

but, at other times, it's a
warning that there could be

a more serious stoke on the way.

Uh, yeah. Admitting, please.

Hopefully, with the proper care
and medication we can avert that.

It's Dr. Harmon here.

Yeah. I'll need a bed.

Possible impending CVA.

She'll be there in
about 30 minutes.

Right.

Excuse me. I can
drive her there, Arthur.

Oh, Walter.

You can't go to the
hospital. You're sick.

I'll take her.

I'm glad you didn't ask me to
hang by my thumbs that long.

Well, how am I?

You're gonna be as good as new.

That bad, is it?

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, just
a little circulation problem.

We'll take care of it.

Just means a short,
little visit to the hospital.

The hospital?

Cor, bust my bangers!

Dear, it's just
for a little while.

Oh, that's what they all say.

Wild horses couldn't drag
me to no flipping hospital.

Now listen, you're going to
go whether you like it or not.

Well, I don't like it and
I'm not going, so that's that!

That's not that,
and that's that.

Well, if you 9think that's that,

you don't know what's what!

Now listen to me,
Mrs. Naugatuck,

I am not going to...

Please, Maudie, she
shouldn't get excited.

Now look, Mrs. Naugatuck,
we just have to take a few tests.

Here's the point.

You've been having
some little strokes.

Little strokes? Me?

Balderdash!

I'm as strong as an 'orse.

Would you like me
to punch you again?

You're gonna be all right.

Besides, I can't go.

I'm becoming a citizen tomorrow.

Don't worry about that, dear.

The country will still be
here after you get out.

Oh, no, they'll never allow a sick,
old English lady to become a citizen.

Oh, now, don't be
such a gloomy guts.

Lots of sick, old
ladies are citizens.

Vivian!

I'm just trying to cheer her up!

Listen, dear, there's
nothing to be afraid of.

Walter went to the
hospital, remember?

When he had the heart attack?

Look at him now,
healthy as a horse.

Stop it, you ass.

Now look, Mrs. Naugatuck,

we want you to go
because we love you

and we want to be sure that
you get the best possible care.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we're
only thinking about you.

Please, we're begging
you, Mrs. Naugatuck.

For me.

Well, if you all insist,

I suppose I'll have
to give in and go.

That's my girl.

Yes, but there's just one thing.

What?

25 years ago,

my mother went to hospital

and we never saw her again.

Oh, no, she... passed away?

Not quite.

They were giving
her the last rights

when she came to and
she ran off with the chaplain.

Oh...

This is the saddest
TV show I've ever seen.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we have a...

wonderful surprise for you.

Mrs. Naugatuck, dear,
you look wonderful.

Doesn't she, Viv?

Uh-huh.

Mrs. Naugatuck, dear,
is anything wrong?

Oh, I can't stand it any longer.

That dear, pretty young nurse

is going to have a baby.

What nurse?

Oh, you've been watching
"Young Dr. Young" on television.

The doctor's just told her

that she's to have an operation

or she might not live,

but if she does
have the operation,

the baby might not live.

And the doctor doesn't
know it, but the baby is his.

Dear Mrs. Naugatuck,
it's only a television show.

Vivian, would you
believe Mrs. Naugatuck

is crying over it?

I don't blame you. It's so sad.

Vivian, that's only
the commercial.

That ache-all-over
feverish feeling

that sometimes accompanies
a cold is hardly that sad.

I can't help it. I identify.

Vivian, will you get
out of that bed, please?

Hello, hello, hello.
How is everybody?

Oh, Arthur, it's so sad.

This sweet young nurse
is going to have a baby.

Oh?

And the doctor, who's the
father, doesn't know it's his.

I'm not a bit surprised.
They're very slack around here.

Arthur, she's talking
about "Young Dr. Young."

Oh, that soap opera quack?

He's a disgrace to
the medical profession.

Arthur.

Thank you.

How is she?

Well, her condition
seems to be more stable.

Oh, thank God.

I'll know more later.

I think that little
surprise of yours

will do her a world of good.

And how are we feeling today?

Oh, we are better, thank you.

And how are all of you?

That's the old spirit.

I just want to assure you,
we're giving you the best

medical care the
Findlays can afford.

You really have a marvelous
bedside manner, Arthur.

I think so, too.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I just
can't keep it in any longer.

We really have such a
wonderful surprise for you.

Oh, yes, you are
going to love it!

But now, listen, dear, I don't
want you to get too excited now.

Now are you sure
you're feeling all right?

Oh, yes, ma'am,
I'm pretty chipper.

- Well, let me tell you...
- It's just my neck's got a...

- In just one word...
- Crick sitting up.

Good. In any moment...

And I do hope I don't get
bedsores through this mattress here.

- Fine. In two minutes...
- And this new...

Who cares!

What I mean is...

we really have a
wonderful surprise for you.

Probably the greatest
surprise of your life.

You know, Walter
has a few connections.

He made a few phone calls

and you are not
going to have to wait

to take your final
citizenship test.

You're going to take it today!

Right now. In this very room!

As a special favor,

guess who's out in the hall?

Judge Fletcher!

A United States Judge here?

Oh, it's impossible.

No, it is not impossible.

They do this in, you
know, certain rare cases.

And I'm a certain rare case?

Oh.

You're granting
me my dying wish!

No, no, no! No, of course
not, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Oh, yes, you are telling
me I'm going to croak!

I'm going to the great maid's

room upstairs...

or downstairs.

- Oh, Mrs...
- Where do you think you're going?

I'm not going to spend my
last moments in no flipping bed.

Hospital! I'm... I'm
too young to die!

No, you're not. I mean...

You are not going to die. Now take
off your coat and hop back into bed.

I am going to die.
You're being nice to me.

I am not being nice to you.

She's never been nice to you.

Vivian!

Here, you're not to
bury me in this coat,

because I've left
it to you in my will.

Now look, I have had it up
to here with what you want.

I am telling you
for the last time...

You left me your coat?

So sweet.

It won't fit, but it's the
thought that counts.

It's all over for me.

Oh, now look, dear,

I mean, this is the last thing in
the world we wanted you to think.

All we wanted to
do was surprise you,

but you're so upset,

I think we should forget
the whole thing for now.

Judge? Judge Fletcher?

I want to become a
citizen before I die.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Naugatuck.

You're not going to pass away.

Why, Arthur told
me that lots of people

who have minor strokes
recover completely

and lead normal lives for years.

And Arthur wouldn't
lie to me. I'm his wife,

not one of his patients.

Judge Fletcher,
I'm terribly sorry,

I made a mistake
asking you here.

She's... she's in no condition
to answer questions today.

Who says I can't
answer questions?

No, you're much too upset.

I mean, you wouldn't
remember anything.

Remember, like yesterday?

Oh, baloney!

I bet right now I know more
about America than you do!

Go ahead, Judge.

Ask me some questions.

Well, all right.

Now, George Washington
was our first president.

When was he elected?

I know that.

Do you, ma'am?

Oh, come on, now.
This isn't my test.

This is your test.

Yes, but do you know the answer?

I know the... of course I...

George Washington was elected

the second Tuesday
after the revolution.

Bars were closed...

1789, that's when.

Wonderful.

You knew that, too.

Right. Where and when
was the constitution written?

Now go on, expert.

The constitution.

Um...

Philadelphia, 1787.

- Right?
- Right.

See? You knew it.

Yeah, and ratified, 1788.

Run that up your flagpole
and salute it, Findlay.

That's very good.

Now, there are nine Justices
on the Supreme Court.

Name 5.

Oh, well come on
now, that's easy.

Burger, Marshall...

Sneezy, Dopey, and Grumpy.

Rehnquist.

Brennan.

Stevens.

Stewart and Whizzer White.

I told you I know more
about America than you do.

Well, I don't have
to know anything.

After all, I was born here.

And lucky for you.

Otherwise you could be deported.

Now, one final question.

Who is the Chief Executive
of the United States?

Edsel Ford.

Right?

Close enough.

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck,

why do you want to
become an American citizen?

Well, when I first
came to this country,

I was all alone.

And I went to work
for a couple of looneys

by the name of Findlay,

and I felt one of the family.

I felt they loved me,
and I loved them.

And then I learned to
love this country, too,

almost as much as the Findlays.

Mrs. Naugatuck.

Mrs. Findlay.

Mrs. Naugatuck.

There are hundreds
of reasons why

people want to become
U.S. citizens, but that...

that is so hokey.

I must say, this is the most
unusual test I've ever given,

but you know your
country, and its history.

I see no reason why you
shouldn't become a citizen.

Did you hear that,
Mrs. Naugatuck?

- Arthur!
- Yes?

She's gonna become a citizen!
She just passed her final test!

Well, congratulations!

And I think you'll
be happy to know

that you passed
your medical test, too.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yes.

All you have to remember
now is to take your medicine,

avoid anxiety, and
watch your diet.

Just like every other
American citizen.

Are you prepared
to take the oath?

Oh, yes, sir.

I hereby declare an oath.

I hereby declare an oath.

That I absolutely and entirely

renounce and abjure.

That I absolutely
and entirely...

and that I take this
obligation freely.

And that I take this
obligation freely.

Without mental reservation.

Without mental reservation.

Or purpose of evasions,
so help me God.

Or purpose of evasion,
so help me God.

Congratulations, you
are an American citizen.

- Oh!
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Oh, congratulations.
- Well done.

Now can I complain
about the taxes?

You're only gonna be
here a few more days,

and I think we're gonna
make you feel right at home.

This is Mrs. Robinson. She's
going to share the room with you.

She comes from Liverpool.

Hello, ducks.

If she moves in, I move out.

Mrs. Naugatuck!

I'm not sharing my room
with a ruddy foreigner!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude. ♪