Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 19 - Tuckahoe Bicentennial - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

The rear march,

two, three, four!
The rear march!

Detail! Halt!

About-face!

About-face!

Carol, dear, about-face.



Oh, Mrs. Fin... Uh...
uh, at ease, men.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Findlay.

No visitors in the armory
during the drill period.

But Colonel Reikert, you
told us that we could start

our rehearsals today
promptly at 4 o'clock.

- I'm sorry, but...
- Now, don't you realize

I have a bicentennial
musical to rehearse.

Now why don't you and
your men go break a strike

and come back later?

Mrs. Findlay, nobody
moves the National Guard.

Atten-hut!

Forward march!

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

Oh, fudge.

Oh, Mrs. Findlay!

Must I do the Betsy Ross skit?

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck,
a bicentennial musical

about women in America
for the past 200 years

certainly has to
include Betsy Ross.

But I hate this costume.

It's too tight around me Betsy.

It's also a little snug
about your Ross.

- Maude!
- Yes, Viv.

Maude, I have come
up with the perfect idea

for my number.

- I'm Sacajawea.
- Sacajawea.

You mean that famous
Indian lady scout

who led the expedition
the Lewis and Clark?

- Yes.
- Oh.

That is inspirational, Viv.

What's your number?

Um...

♪ Tiptoe, to my teepee ♪

♪ Don't be sleepy ♪

♪ We can fool
around, so, tiptoe... ♪♪

Viv, Viv, wait, wait, wait. Viv.

Don't be sleepy,
we can fool around?

Viv, Sacajawea
was a great woman.

Tiptoe to my teepee...

That's an insult to every
Indian woman in America.

Not to mention Tiny Tim.

Oh!

Ugh!

"Buy-centennial sell-a-bration."

That's a great sign, Walter.

Yeah.

All us Tuckahoe store
owners are gonna set up booths

all around the armory.

It's gonna do
wonders for business.

Boy, you know that President
Ford is a smart cookie.

Just when the economy
hits rock bottom,

he dreams up this
gimmick of a bicentennial.

Hey, Mr. Findlay?

Did you hear about Ed Fenney?

Your wife won't let him sing
'Mother Machree' in the show.

Oh, no.

A show in Tuckahoe without
Ed Fenney's 'Mother Machree'?

No 'Mother Machree'?

Let's straighten
Maude out right now.

Okay, Mrs.
Naugatuck, this is it.

Your shining hour.

- Maudie!
- Maude.

Just a moment.
All right, go ahead.

Now remember, you're Betsy Ross

and pretend that I am wearing
my George Washington outfit.

Oh, General Washington.

I really love this flag.

And that is why I always say:

♪ You're a grand old flag ♪
you're a high-flying flag... ♪

Now, wait, wait, wait.

Just... wait, just...
Just a moment.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I thought
you were going to do it

like Barbra Streisand.

I thought I was.

Not at all. Now watch me.

Tommy.

♪ You're a grand old flag ♪

♪ You're a high-flying flag ♪

♪ And in peace ♪

♪ May forever ♪

♪ You wave. ♪

Now, have you got that?

Yes, ma'am. Perfectly.

Good. The number is out.

- What is it?
- Maude.

We just heard that Ed
Fenney isn't gonna sing

'Mother Machree' in the show.

Now, now, you can't
have a show in Tuckahoe

without Ed singing
'Mother Machree'.

Maudie, I insist you
pencil in Ed Fenney.

Arthur, every town in America

is having a
bicentennial celebration.

Ours is going to be different.

We are doing a tribute to
women in the past 200 years,

and no men in the cast.

- No men?
- No men?

- Well, it's absurd, Maudie.
- It's absurd.

You can't show the history
of this country without men.

There were no important women.

No important women, Arthur?

- How about Susan B. Anthony?
- Never heard of her.

- Dolly Bloomer?
- Who?

- Uh, Margaret Sanger?
- That doesn't ring a bell.

- Jane Addams?
- I never heard of her.

Arthur, do duh name Ruby
Begonia strike a familiar note?

Maude, you cannot do a
bicentennial show about women

with just women in the cast.

Who'd come to see it? Nobody.

And if nobody comes, nobody will
buy anything during their stay here.

And lest you forget,
Maudie, let me remind you

that the only reason you got
permission to use this armory

is because Colonel Reikert also
happens to own the Foxhole Liquor Locker.

And he expects to make
a big bundle selling booze.

He's advertising
the 50-cent shot

heard round the world.

Did it ever occur to you two
that what we are celebrating

is a bicentennial of
American history?

That's why I'm running
my bicentennial special.

An electric carving
knife for 17.76.

Is that the same knife that
was your Columbus day special

at $14.92?

Mother! Time to
rehearse the finale!

Well, as I said to that
great poet, Mr. Eliot...

TS, Eliot.

Findlay?

Findlay!

- Hello, Colonel.
- As you were.

Now, what's this I hear
about your wife doing a show

- with only women?
- I just heard about it myself.

Well now, I'll brook no
such nonsense in my armory.

Now then, dog face!

- Get off this stage.
- What...?

If you want to watch,
stand over there.

And shut your big bazoose.

Carry on, girls! Go ahead!

♪ I am woman, hear me roar,
numbers too big to ignore ♪

♪ And I know too much
to fall back and pretend ♪

♪ Because I've
heard it all before ♪

♪ And I've been down
there on the floor ♪

♪ No one's ever gonna
keep me down again ♪

♪ Dolley Madison, Martha
Washington, Isadora Duncan ♪

♪ Eleanor Roosevelt,
Carry Nation ♪

♪ Sobered up the drunkard ♪

♪ Bette Bourne, Calamity Jane,
Mae West and Margaret Sanger ♪

♪ Clare Boothe Luce
and Bella Abzug ♪

♪ That bell had some clanger ♪

♪ Billie Jean King and
Jacqueline Cochran ♪

♪ Sisters you're uncanny ♪

♪ Molly Brown and
Margaret Mead ♪

♪ And little orphan Annie ♪

♪ Yes, they were wise, but
it's wisdom born of pain ♪

♪ Yes, they paid the price ♪

♪ But look how
much we've gained ♪

♪ If we have to, we
can do anything ♪

♪ We are strong ♪

♪ We are invincible ♪

♪ We are woman ♪

♪ We are woman ♪

♪ We are woman ♪

♪ And there's a
hundred million others ♪

♪ Like me ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

No tribute, okay?

Well, Colonel?
Tell me the truth,

did you ever in your life
see anything like that?

Mrs. Findlay, who
do you think you are,

the Andrews Sisters
or the Ritz Brothers?

- Now you listen to me...
- I'm going to telephone

the General and
get permission to kick

you and your girls out of here,

and I'm bringing in the
Tuckahoe Cat Show.

- Colonel, I...
- Maude?

Not now, Viv. I may
have lost the armory.

- Colonel!
- Maude, listen,

I know you hated
my Indian number,

but listen to this one.

♪ When you ♪

♪ Yodel down the canyons ♪

♪ With a loving
voice so true... ♪

Vivian, Vivian,
Vivian. Vivian, please.

Just a minute.

What has yodeling got to do
with the American bicentennial?

Oh.

Uh, well, I'm-I'm... I'm saluting
all the famous American women

who came over from Switzerland.

Name one.

Carol Burnett.

Carol Burnett. How do
you know she is Swiss?

How do you know she isn't?

♪ Then another voice ♪

♪ Will answer ♪

♪ Yodel, -odel, -odel, -odel ♪

♪ -odel ♪

♪ Aye. ♪

Carol, have you spoken
to the Colonel yet?

I haven't been able to
get to him yet, mother.

Well, all right, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Time to rehearse
the colonial number.

Yes, Mrs. Findlay.

Well,

here we are,
suffering the sad lot

of us women

while our men are out
there, fighting the enemy.

- Right.
- Right. Yeah.

But mark my words.

The day will come

when women will
be equal with men.

- Right on!
- Right.

Right on!

And when that day comes,

the men won't be out
there fighting alone.

They'll be in here
drinking with us.

I'll drink to that.

Not with champagne.

It's the devil's brew.

Let me tell you my tale.

♪ This is the story ♪

♪ A man and a maid ♪

♪ Walking along in the shade ♪

♪ He is a Marquis,
the son of an Earl ♪

♪ And she is a
pure village maid ♪

♪ He says that he loves
her, again and again ♪

♪ She thinks he
is loyal and true ♪

♪ But then came the night ♪

♪ When he gave her champagne ♪

♪ And did what he
ought not to do ♪

♪ Only a glass of champagne ♪

♪ But it led a
poor girl into sin ♪

♪ Only a glass of champagne ♪

♪ 'twas the door where
the devil crept in ♪

♪ It's just an old story,
it's always the same ♪

♪ Just like the poor moth,
she went too near the flame ♪

♪ She opened her wings ♪

♪ And she lost her good name ♪

♪ All through a glass ♪

♪ Of champagne. ♪

Excellent.

Listen, uh, ladies,

- that was marvelous,
Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Thank you.

That's right.

Take all these
things off, please.

- Maude?
- Yes, Vivian?

Maude?

- How do you like this outfit?
- Oh, come on.

A bicentennial celebration

is hardly the place to
honor Lizzie Borden.

No, I'm Carrie Nation.

The famous temperance lady.

And, as I'm smashing
the whisky bottles,

I'm singing: -

♪ You got no right ♪

♪ To drink the booze ♪

♪ Waa, waa, waa, waa, waa, waa ♪

♪ You've got no right
to feel low down ♪

- ♪ Waa, waa, waa, waa... ♪
- Vivian. Vivian!

Waa, waa, waa, what? What?

Never in a million years.

Maude, now come on. I practiced.

I want to sing this
song in the worst way.

You just did.

You won't let me do anything!

Maude?

Maude, the chamber of
commerce is screaming about this

all-woman show.

Maude, if you do this it
is going to be a fiasco.

Maude, nobody's gonna
come to see an all-woman show,

and it's killing business.

You're making a
terrible mistake.

And I didn't put up a display
booth just to lose money.

Mother! Mother, the box
office is swamped, mother.

Mother, women's groups
from all over the state

are reserving blocks of tickets.

- We're sold out
for the first nights.
- Sold out! Sold out!

- Yes. Yes!
- Oh, Carol!

Oh, I got to get back.

On the other hand, a few
of the tunes are catchy.

We'll make a mint.

- Maude? Maude, Maude?
- Not now, Vivian.

Maude, this is Mrs. Ameche,

the entertainer
I told you about.

Oh, yes, the one who does
the imitation of Rich Little.

No. No. Mrs. Ameche
is 74 years old,

and she does a specialty act.

Oh! Oh, very nice to
meet you, Mrs. Ameche.

Now you go right
ahead, Mrs. Ameche.

- You show her.
- Yes, Tommy.

Mrs. Findlay, I just
talked with Albany.

Please, Colonel. If you
have bad news for me,

believe me, this
is not the time for it.

All right, Mrs. Ameche,
I'm ready whenever you are.

- Tommy.
- Mrs. Findlay,

I don't believe you heard me.

I said I just
talked with Albany.

Now, don't you understand?
I am auditioning a show here.

I'm sorry for the
distraction, Mrs. Ameche.

Please, begin. Tommy.

Mrs. Findlay, your show is out
and the Tuckahoe Cat Show is in.

Now please, Colonel, I
am auditioning a show here.

Have a little
compassion for the artist.

All right. Whenever
you're ready.

Tommy.

- Vivian?
- What?

She's a sweet little
old lady, but, I mean,

what kind of an act is
crawling on the floor?

Now please. In a very nice way,

you'll have to tell
her that she is out.

And so are you, and
the Cat Show is in.

All right, fellas,
bring in the kitty litter!

Oh, uh, Arthur. Walter.

I think perhaps you'd like to
talk to your friend the Colonel.

There'll be no
buy in bicentennial

and no sell in celebration.

Uh, Colonel. Let's
not be too hasty.

Colonel, I think
you're overreacting.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you in five
simple words, Colonel.

Money, money,
money, money, money.

- They just heard
the show is sold out.
- Sold out?

Yes, they don't wanna miss
out on the chance to cash in on it.

Sold out? Well, Mrs. Findlay,

you've just earned the undying
gratitude of the National Guard.

And to express my own
appreciation, from my liquor store:

A case of red, white
and blue cocktail onions.

I think I had better
call the general.

Oh, Fellas, hold
the kitty litter!

Well, Maude,

everything is all right.

Except for one thing, Walter.

I'm quitting.

Maude, you can't quit.

All you think about
is the almighty dollar.

I tell you, my heart,
it just isn't in it.

- But Maude...
- Don't 'But Maude' me.

I mean, here we've been
breaking our necks to put on a show

that Tuckahoe could be proud of.

A tribute to the millions of
women who worked so hard

to make things
easier for us today,

and who will inspire us to
go even further tomorrow.

No, wait a second. You're right.

You're right!

For once I agree with you.

I will not quit.

That's what this
song is all about.

No matter how much
opposition we get, we cannot quit.

And I want you to
listen to the song

that I was gonna sing,

because maybe you can
get through your thick heads

what we're trying to do.

Tommy!

♪ Move over sun, and
give me some sky ♪

♪ I've got me some
wings I'm eager to try ♪

♪ I may be unknown,
but wait till I've flown ♪

♪ You're gonna hear from me ♪

♪ Give me some room,
you people up there ♪

♪ On top of the world,
I'll meet you I swear ♪

♪ I'm staking my claim,
remember my name ♪

♪ You're gonna hear from me ♪

♪ Fortune smiled ♪

♪ On the road before me ♪

♪ I'm fortune's child ♪

♪ Listen world, you
can't ignore me ♪

♪ I've got a song that
longs to be played ♪

♪ Raise up my flag ♪

♪ Begin my parade ♪

♪ Then watch the world over ♪

♪ Start coming up clover ♪

♪ That's how it's gonna be ♪

♪ You'll see ♪

♪ You're going to hear ♪

♪ From me! ♪

Gee, Maudie, that was
kind of a cute little song.

Arthur.

Get out of here.

I don't care about money!

I don't care about Findlay's
Friendly Appliances!

I don't care about anything.

Now you go on and
do the show your way.

- You mean it!
- Not only do I mean it,

listen, if you let us men
do one number in the show,

we'll make a
tribute to you women

that you'll be proud of.

And groping his key ♪

♪ There's sexual freedom now ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, first let
me apologize for my costume.

You see, but in the finale
I play George Washington,

and how he ever got to
be the father of his country

in these tight pants,
I'll never know.

That's neither here nor there.

What I'm here to talk about

is something that you
won't find in your programs.

It's a recent
addition to our show.

It's a group of men, among
whom I'm proud to say,

is my wonderful husband.

These men want to show us women

that they support
us 100 percent,

and that they sympathize
and understand the fight

that we've had all
these many years.

And, so they've rehearsed a
number which we've never seen.

It's going to be a
surprise to all of us.

Without further ado,

here they are.

God bless 'em,

the men of Tuckahoe,

in a tribute to the equality

and the dignity

of women.

♪ There is nothing like a dame ♪

♪ Nothing in the world ♪

♪ There is nothing
you can name ♪

♪ That is anything like a dame ♪

♪ She's not much to
look at, nothing to see ♪

♪ Just glad she's
living, and lucky to be ♪

She's glad she's
living and lucky to be?

♪ I got a woman, crazy for me ♪

♪ She's funny that way ♪

This can set the cause
of women back 200 years.

♪ She was always
young at heart ♪

♪ Kind of dumb
and kind of smart ♪

♪ I love her so ♪

Next thing he'll sing
'The Girl that I Marry.'

♪ A doll I can carry ♪

♪ That girl that I
marry must be... ♪

♪ The most beautiful
girl in the world ♪

♪ Does my laundry ♪

♪ Cooks my dinner ♪

♪ She's a winner ♪

That does it! That
does it! Get the guys!

Get the girls! This is wrong!

♪ Oh, I miss the dear fingers ♪

♪ So toil-worn for me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ God bless you and keep you ♪

♪ Mother Machree! ♪

♪ There are no
books like a dame ♪

♪ And nothing
looks like a dame ♪

♪ There are no
drinks like a dame ♪

♪ And nothing
thinks like a dame ♪

♪ And nothing acts like a dame ♪

♪ Or attracts like a dame ♪

♪ There ain't a thing that's
wrong with any man here ♪

♪ That can't be cured
by putting him near ♪

♪ A girly, womanly,
female, feminine... ♪

Hey! What's going on?

That is my perfect...

Get those men! Get
them off the stage!

This is your commander
in chief. Take no prisoners.

Take no prisoners.

Hold on to them.
Hold on to them.

What's going on?

I'm Molly Pitcher.

♪ Hello, Molly ♪

♪ Well, hello, Molly ♪

- ♪ It's so... ♪
- About face!

Get her! Get her!

Bring down the curtain!

Somebody get me
off this damn horse!

Women of the world, unite!

♪ ♪

Maude was taped in Hollywood,

before a live audience.

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude... ♪