Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 21 - Maude's Nephew - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪



Maude?

Walter, you're home early.

That's right, Maude.
I'm home early.

Because I've got something on my
mind that's been bothering me all day,

and we're gonna
talk about it right now.

Walter,

sweetheart, if it's
about last night, I'm...

I'm very sorry that I ruined an
intimate moment by laughing...

but, honey, it's your own fault

for tying your pajama
cord in a double-knot.

Maude, that's not what it is.

Now, this is important.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.
This sounds serious.

It is serious.



Sit down, darling.

Okay, now you tell me all about
it. You have my total attention.

- Maude?
- Yes?

I wanna watch "Starsky
and Hutch" on TV tonight.

Walter, I've always been
an understanding wife,

and I know that while
sometimes your problems

don't seem terribly
important to me,

that doesn't stop them from
being very, very serious for you.

But, Walter, this is pathetic.

Maude, how long has
your nephew been here?

- Three days.
- Right.

And for the last three
nights we've had to watch

educational television
because that's what Steve likes,

but he's making me
miss all my favorite shows!

Why can't he watch
during family hour,

when there's nothing
on that's any good?

Steve happens to
be a very artistic,

sensitive young man,

and besides, Walter,
we should feel very lucky

that he's making us watch
educational television.

You know, how about that
French surrealistic drama last night?

Where the young
wine-grower falls in love?

That was beautiful.

Beautiful? It was crazy.

That guy fell in
love with a cork.

Is that what that was?

Maude, I miss my police shows.

When I come home
from work after a hard day

of being nice to customers
and suppliers and employees,

I don't want art and beauty.

I want violence.

Mother, I swear I'm
gonna wring Steve's neck.

Oh, come on now,
Carol. Not you, too!

Well, now look at that.
He never even asked,

he took my last vitamin E.

He says taking vitamin E
helps protect against air pollution.

Maybe he's right. Look
how clear it is out today.

Fell in love with a cork?

Oh, come on, Maude. Face it.

I mean, he's turning this
whole house upside down.

And I'll tell you
something else.

Steve is a bad
influence on Phillip.

Oh now, come on, Walter!

- He adores Phillip.
- Sure.

But all he does is tell him that
all he has to believe in is peace,

and goodness, and love,
and your life will be beautiful.

Now what kind of a
thing is that to teach a kid?

I think it's fantastic!

It's unrealistic.

It's a dog-eat-dog
world out there, Carol.

Oh, come on now, Walter!

Your trouble is you
don't know what love is.

Love isn't something
that just happens at night...

or Saturday afternoons.

Or between halves
of the Super Bowl.

Maude, Carol's here.

Don't mind me.

You're giving me hope
for fun in my old age.

Just keep taking your vitamin E.

Anyway, when the hell is
he going to get out of here?

I mean, I thought he was
going on a big hitch-hiking trip

to Aspen, Colorado or something.

Walter, Steve
Frazier is my nephew.

He also happens to be one of my
very favorite people in this world.

Now, he is welcome in this
house as long as he wants to stay.

Why, if I had the
chance to choose the son

I've always wanted, it
would have to be a toss-up

between Steve and John Boy.

- Yeah.
- Steve Boy!

Hi, Walter.

Phillip and I just had a
great time shooting baskets.

Yeah, grandpa.
Steve's pretty good!

Oh, great.

Phillip.

Did you beat him?

We didn't play for points
or anything, Walter.

You know I don't
believe in competition.

Let me tell you
something, Phillip,

it so happens,
competition is good for kids.

It gets them ready for life.

Not life. Business.

All the false values
of that rat-race.

Grubbing after money.

I got news for you, Steve Boy.

It's a jungle out there.

Walter's right, Steve.
It's a jungle out there.

Next time you go
out, take a good look.

You'll find him hanging
from a tree by his tail.

She got you there, Walter!

Hey Steve, don't
forget about tonight.

- Okay.
- Here.

Phillip, wait a minute.

Want to watch a little cops
and robbers with me tonight?

Oh, gee, grandpa, maybe
we could do that next week.

Steve's going to teach
me how to meditate tonight.

Sure, meditation.

Oh, yeah, meditation
is great, Walter.

See, it cuts out the cold
reality of the modern world

and lets me find
refuge in the...

inner tranquility of my soul.

Ever have that feeling, Walter?

Sure. Every time I watch
"Starsky and Hutch."

Poor guy.

Oh, Steve, I almost forgot.

That girl, Ellie? From Boston?

She called you
again this morning.

Hey, Steve, that's 10 times she's
called since you've been here.

And long distance.

My lady-killer, huh?

Eh, Steve, eh?

Come on, Maude. I
hardly even know her.

- She's just another chick.
- Come on now, you mean
to tell me

you and she are almost total
strangers, and she's so crazy about you?

- It's the only way it could happen.
- - Walter.

Oh, that's okay, Maude.

Atta boy, Walter.

And don't you be ashamed
of that hostility either.

There's a little bit of
Don Rickles in all of us.

Steve! You're gonna
get a big kick out of this.

You'll never guess what
I found this afternoon.

Honey, do you remember this?

Oh, no! Is that that record you
made of us when I was little?

- Yes.
- That's wild.

Carol, Walter, you
have to listen to this.

Steve was 4 years old, and
Carol, I was just about your age.

We Would like to
sing a little song.

Steve, you sound adorable.

Carol, that's me.

♪ I wish I was a
fishy in the brook ♪

♪ I wish I was a
fishy in the brook ♪

♪ I'd go swimming with my
cutie without my bathing suitie ♪

♪ I wish I was a fishy in
the brook, in the brook. ♪

Gee, Mother, it's amazing.

When you were my age,
you sounded like I do now.

- That's right.
- Does that mean
when I'm your age,

I'll sound like you?

I hope so.

Honey, will you put
this back for me?

I keep it in that box on
the top shelf of my closet.

Oh, by the way, Steve.

Maude and I were just wondering

when you're
taking off for Aspen.

I'll bet you're kind of
anxious to get started.

- Walter.
- Actually, Walter,

I was just gonna go upstairs
and consult the I Ching.

To find out when would
be a good time for me to go.

I Ching? What's I Ching?

Oh, that... that's
right. I'm sorry.

You wouldn't be
into that, would you?

It's an ancient book
of Chinese prophesies.

It's great. It tells you
exactly what to do

and exactly when to do it.

Boy, if I ran my life that
way, I wouldn't be what I am.

You aren't.

She got you again, Walter!

Maude.

Maude, that kid is
completely irresponsible.

I mean, he doesn't
even have a job.

He's a vegetarian.

He doesn't even enjoy violence!

Walter, face it.

That boy is free as a bird
and that is making you jealous!

Come on, Maude,
don't be ridiculous.

You wanna know
something, Walter?

I love the way he's
so pure and idealistic!

And I love the way he's so
completely indifferent to things

like money and status
and middle-class values.

And you want to know what
I love most of all about him?

What?

He despises our
whole way of life.

What's that noise?

It's some girl getting
off her motorcycle.

Oh, it's probably
Mrs. Naugatuck.

Hello.

Hello, I'm looking
for Steve Frazier?

Oh, come on in.

He's upstairs.

Hi, I'm Ellie Byrnes.

Ellie. Hi, I'm Maude Findlay.

- Hello.
- My husband, Walter.

- Hi.
- My daughter, Carol.

- Hi.
- I love your hat.

Oh, thank you.

Let me get rid of it for you.

Are you the girl I talked to
on the phone this morning?

Yeah, I just rode
down here from Boston.

Oh, you and Steve
are good friends, eh?

Well, sort of. We used to live
in the same commune in Boston.

Steve lived in a commune?
I never knew that.

How many people were in it?

Just the two of us.

That kind of commune.

We used to call it "sleeping
over at my Aunt's house."

Tell me, are you and Steve
going to Aspen together?

- Well, I'm not sure.
- Why not?

Because when he
walked out on me,

he told he never
wanted to see me again.

- Why can't we get that lucky?
- Walter!

I don't understand. I mean,
if you two kids broke up,

then what are you doing here?

Well, Steve sold his
motorcycle for $500

and then sent me the money in a
note and told me to have a nice life.

But I bought the
motorcycle back.

I want him to have it.

It really means a lot to him.

Well, it's a Kawasaki!

Oh!

I'd better go and get Steve.

Ellie. All these phone calls

and your riding down
here with a motorcycle.

You trying to get Steve back?

Yeah.

Even though he may
not want you back?

Hey, wait a minute, I invested
a lot of time in this relationship.

How long did you go together?

6 months.

That long?

You know, Ellie,

Steve walked out on you and
now you're chasing after him.

Girls don't do that today.

Honey, it's 1976.

You don't need anybody.

You can take care of
yourself, you're a grown woman.

What do you mean,
I'm a grown woman?

- I'm only 19.
- Only 19?!

Jane Austen wrote "Pride and
Prejudice" when she was only 19.

- I know.
- Queen Victoria

ruled the British Empire
when she was only 19.

- Yeah, but...
- Joan of Arc

led troops into battle
when she was only 19.

So please, Ellie, don't
tell me, "Oh, I'm only 19."

But I love Steve.

What do you know about
love? You're only 19.

I know this much. I
want to marry him.

Oh, Ellie, Ellie.

Marriage isn't the
answer to anything.

Believe me, Ellie, she knows.

Look, I'm from Iola, Kansas,

and in Iola, Kansas, we
still believe in marriage.

Ellie. Ellie,
you're a sweet kid.

Why don't you spare
yourself a heartbreak.

Look, Steve walked out on you.

He's running all across the
country to get away from you.

Now give me one logical reason
why he'd want to marry you?

I'm pregnant.

Steve, your fiancé is here.

You're pregnant?

Yeah. Isn't that terrific?

- Ellie!
- Hey, Steve!

Walter said you're giving me
back my Kawasaki! That's great!

- Yeah.
- Um, does Steve know?

Know what?

Well, Ellie, I think
you'd better tell him.

Yeah, hey, Steve,
I'm, you know, like,

where you're at it might
schiz you out, but hey?

- Yes?
- You, me, the Rose wine...

You know?

Oh, yeah. Sure. It
was super, really.

- But now, you know.
- Yeah, I know.

But we shouldn't have.
And you know, we knew.

And it's like "Hey,
we bummed out."

You're pregnant.

Steve, you knew?

Well, she just told me.

When?

Wow. How could that happen?

Steve, you were there,
weren't you paying attention?

No matter.

I know the two of you're
gonna be very happy together.

No way.

Steve!

Hey, I know this is
tough on you, Ellie, but...

you're not my old lady
anymore, I hope you understand.

Yeah, but, Steve, every
kid deserves to have a father.

Besides, I love you.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

But remember when
we started living together,

we read that book, remember?

It said we should live like two
oak trees reaching for the sun.

And if one oak lived in the
other's shadow, it would die.

And if we got married, we'd just
be living in each other's shadows

- like those two oaks.
- Oh, that's beautiful.

But tell me, Steve,

did it say what to do
about the little acorn?

Why is marriage the first
thing everyone thinks of

just because a girl
gets herself knocked up?

Steve!

Now look, Steve.

I may be old-fashioned,

but I still believe
that marriage

and babies seem to go together.

Yeah, like "Starsky and Hutch."

Walter, Ellie's pregnant.

She's gonna have Steve's baby.

- Oh God, she's not gonna move
in here with us too, is she?
- Walter!

Are you going to marry her?

No!

Hey, Ellie, my life, you know?

Yeah, but, wow?

But I mean it's
like... you know?

Yeah, sure, but...

It's like me.

You know like, wow, space.

Okay, you're right.

What do you mean he's right?

Don't you two ever
speak English?

I know parakeets who make
more sense than you do.

I should have never
even come here.

Mother, let me.

Look, Steve.

I mean, since you and
Ellie and your Kawasaki

were so determined to
let the good times roll,

I mean, didn't you
think about safety first?

I guess we just thought
it would never happen.

Look, Steve, sex
is like football.

The name of the game is defense.

Oh, listen, honey, I don't
want you to give up your free,

beautiful lifestyle, Steve,
but think of the baby.

Man, you don't quit, do ya?

I can't talk to you anymore.

I'm going to go work on my bike.

- I can't believe this.
- I mean it's just like I said.

That kid is selfish
and irresponsible.

That's not my Stevie.

That's not that beautiful,
5-year-old child I used to...

I used to walk to
the ice-cream parlor.

When he was 5-years-old,
that kid would have

been man enough to marry
any girl he got pregnant.

That's Steve. He's probably
trying to get even with me.

He's probably trying to get even
with the whole neighborhood.

I'm gonna go out
and talk to him.

Oh, how's Ellie?

She's having a good cry.

Walter just went
out to talk to Steve.

I hope he can talk some sense
into him about marrying her.

Mother, this is a
complicated matter.

You don't just
automatically say marriage

and expect that to be
the answer to everything.

Now, you just told
Ellie that yourself.

Well, that was before I knew
there was a baby involved.

I mean now, let's face it, a
baby should have a father.

It's first word should be,
"Dada." Not, "Who he?"

Well, shouldn't you
just let Steve and Ellie

take care of this
for themselves?

Of course. Oh Lord, how do I
get involved in these things?

You can't help it.

You just stumble into them
like "Little Orphan Annie."

Maybe I... I think I
just expect too much.

You know, wanting to
control the entire world.

You know, I remember
another girl about Ellie's age

who was living with a
guy and got pregnant.

Her mother left the
decision about marrying

entirely up to the daughter.

She told her that she would

stand by her no matter
what choice she made.

Think I know how this comes out.

The daughter got married
for the sake of the baby,

and the marriage didn't
work out so she got a divorce,

but through it all, her mother

accepted her decisions

and gave her lots of support.

It's one of the reasons
I love you so much.

Oh, Carol. Carol.

You know, "Little Orphan
Annie" doesn't know

what she's missing
not having a daughter.

Not to mention eyeballs.

Ellie. You feeling better?

Uh-huh.

Could I use your phone?

Of course. Why don't you use
the one in the den? It's more private.

Poor kid.

That's Steve. Do you
suppose he's leaving?

No.

Oh, my God, Walter
was riding the motorcycle!

It's all right, Steve.

I'm fine.

- You sure, Walter?
- Yes. It's nothing.

I just scratched up my leg.

It's nothing.

Oh, Maude.

Sweetheart, maybe we've
learned a lesson from this, Walter.

Maybe now you'll give up
your dream about hang-gliding.

Walter, come on, let me take you
upstairs and help you with your leg.

Steve, I want to talk to you.

- Maude.
- Steve.

Every person is
accountable for his actions.

You saw too much
action, you're accountable.

Maude. That's a good one.

Steve, whatever
happened to responsibility?

Don't you move away
until I get through to you!

Now sit down.

Maude, I don't
want to talk to you.

You're behind the times.

Oh? You want me to
be more up to date?

You want me to, ah,

to say it in a language
that you'll understand?

Er... Hey, like, I
mean, wow. Like, ah.

Like, ah, fist.

Pow-boom. Sit.

Okay.

Besides, Steve.

The girl loves you.

And the baby will
love you, and Steve,

isn't that what it's all about?

Love?

I mean, am I quoting
Steve Frazier?

Yeah, I guess.

Steve, love is in
and so is decency.

It always has been.

Okay, you win.

Oh, it's like, wow.

Wow?

Oh, Ellie.

Steve has something to tell you.

Ellie, I've been
thinking, you know, the...

Well, the baby probably
should have a name

and everything, so...

So I tell you what, I'll
forget about going to Aspen

and we'll get married
and I'll stay with you.

Oh, now that's my Steve.

Until after the baby's born.

Then I'll go to Aspen.

Steve!

Steve, what... What
kind of solution is that?

You didn't hear one wow I said.

- Come on,
it's the best I can do.
- Well, it's not good enough.

Steve, this girl needs you,
she loves you. Tell him, Ellie.

- Steve, about your proposal.
- Yeah.

Stick it in your ear.

Ellie, don't be silly. I mean,
he'll change his mind, you...

Please, Mrs. Findlay,
stay out of this.

This is my problem.

Steve, I want a full-time
husband and Father,

and if you can't do that
then forget it, Charlie.

That's the thanks I get for
postponing my trip to Aspen?

Ellie, where did you
get an idea like this?

From listening to you and Carol.

So I just called my folks,
and you want to know what?

They want me to come home,

but I decided you were right.

It's about time I learned to
stand on my own two feet.

Oh, come on now.
Ellie, you're only 19.

I'm a woman. I can
take care of myself.

Ellie, don't be so rigid.

I mean, even Gloria Steinem
gets her hair streaked.

Steve?

You're old enough
to be a father,

but I don't think you're
old enough to be a parent.

Goodbye, Carol.
Goodbye, Mr. Findlay.

Steve?

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mrs. Findlay. Thanks.

Thanks for what? I
did everything wrong!

Why couldn't you have
been a French surrealist

and fallen in love with a cork?

Mother, what are
you upset about?

Ellie turned into a woman
right before our eyes.

She's becoming independent,
just like you wanted.

You should be happy.

Stick it in your ear.

Hey! Hey! She's
taking my Kawasaki!

What's she so mad about?

Maybe it was something you said.

Wow, what a crazy afternoon.

Hey, Walter?

Are you sure you wanna
watch "Starsky and Hutch?"

There's this great documentary

on educational
television about this guy,

he lived for two years
with Alaskan harbor seals.

Steve, I think you have
a lot of growing up to do.

Mm?

Steve, I am not too crazy
about you at this moment.

And I think if you ever decide
you wanna live with a woman again,

first you have to
learn how to be a man.

And you can start by
going out on your own.

Now go up and pack your things
and get your Aspen out of here.

- But Aunt Maude...
- Go!

- Unc?
- You heard Aunt Maude. Get out of here.

Okay, I'm going.

Oh, and Steve?

If you have any dirty
laundry, I'll do it before you go.

Oh, and Steve?

If you need any money,
Uncle Walter will help you out.

Terrific!

Pathetic.

- Hi, Maude.
- Oh, Walter.

My nephew Steve
is finally growing up.

I think we really got through
to him while he was here.

- What makes you think so?
- Well, he sent this package.

I guess it's a little
gift for the house.

He's really a changed person.

"Dear Aunt Maude. How could I
thank you for the lesson you taught me?

You'll be needing
my new address,

so please save this envelope.

Love, Steve."

Ah.

- What did he send you?
- His laundry.

He sent us his dirty laundry.

I'll kill him! I will
strangle him!

- Maude?
- So help me! I'll...

That's why I like to
watch "Starsky and Hutch."

To get away from
all your violence.

Walter, I'm going to get you,
so help me, I warn you, Walter!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And then there's Maude. ♪