Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Christmas Party - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin'

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa, la, la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa la-la-la-la la
la-la-la-la la la-la-la la ♪



♪ Fa la laaa ♪

♪ Fa la laa laaa ♪

Oh, Carol, what the
fa-la-la are we doing?

Oh, Mother.

I have never seen you happier.

Oh, honey, you know
me. It's Christmas Eve,

and I turn into America's
Number One sentimental slob.

I don't know, though, honey,

this year seems
to be the best of all.

You know, I woke
up this morning,

and for the first
time in my life

actually remembered
all the words

to The Twelve Days of Christmas.

Including, "6 Geese a
Laying, 5 Golden Rings,"

which I've always had
this mental block about,

because it seemed
like such a painful thing.

And then, when we
turned on the outdoor lights

and I only blew the fuse twice,

I said to myself, this
is it, this is Christmas!

Well, I guess it doesn't hurt

having your old friend
Stephanie here, either, does it?

Oh, Carol, honey,
that's a miracle.

Do you know that I
haven't seen Stephanie

since Graduation
Day at high school?

Which was...

Thirty three years ago.

All of a sudden, she's
good at arithmetic.

You know, I remember

when Stephanie's
book first came out.

I mean, it really helped start
the whole feminist movement.

Well, honey, it was the
title that was so provocative,

Women, Get Out From Under.

And, of course, all
the work she's done

for equal job opportunities,

children's daycare
centers, you name it.

Let's face it, when you
think of women's lib,

you think of Gloria
Steinem, Germaine Greer

and Stephanie Fisher.

And let's not
forget Lady Godiva.

- Steph.
- The world's greatest gambler.

She put everything
she had, on a horse.

Pa ram bam!

Steph, go...

Uh, tell me, Steph,

uh, did you just take a bath?

Why, is there one missing?

Ba ram bam!

Uh, waiter, uh, what
looks good in the kitchen?

The chef. He just got a haircut.

♪ Ta da! ♪

Those are three of the
worst jokes I have ever heard.

Oh, honey, they were a big hit
on Stunt Night at Springfield High.

Aaaaah!

I'll say

Maude and I came out in
baggy pants with derby hats

- and red noses.
- Yeah,

and we each carried
a little henway.

What's a henway?

Oh, about four pounds.

Maude. Here.

This is for you.
It's a Christmas gift.

- Aw.
- Go on, open it.

Oh, no, not till tomorrow.

Oh, what the hell,
in Paris it's tomorrow.

Oh, Stephanie!

Stephanie, where on
earth did you find this?

Look, Carol,

it's a picture of
me, when I was 16.

Oh, Mother!

Oh, when you were young,
you were actually good-looking.

No, I won't, it's Christmas.

You know, Steph, I remember
when this picture was taken.

I'm standing in front of
Ned Zycksler's old Plymouth.

Remember Ned Zycksler?
Oh, what a girl chaser he was.

Well, Stephanie, I guess there
wasn't any women's movement

in those days.

Mm, in the back of Ned
Zycksler's Plymouth there was.

Ba ram bam.

I can't tell you
what a pleasure it is,

spending Christmas
Eve with Frick and Frack.

Walter, Walter,

look at what
Stephanie brought me.

Oh, that's terrific!

Maude, look at you!

I mean, so healthy, so wholesome

- and so fresh!
- Yeah, stop, Walter,

you're making me sound
like a balanced breakfast.

Here, taste this eggnog
and see if it needs anything.

Stephanie, you're
sticking around

for my annual office
party tonight, aren't ya?

Well, I was going to
work on my speech

for the Westchester
Women's Association,

but the party sounds
like a lot more fun.

Good! It'll be a thrill for
my employees to meet ya.

You're famous, Stephanie.

How's the eggnog, Maude?

I think it needs a
little less... ammonia.

Not too good, huh?

Mrs. Naugatuck!

Uh, I need a little
help with this eggnog,

Mrs. Naugatuck.

You mean, Ms. Naugatuck.

- Oh.
- Ms. Nau...

- My dear!
- Stephanie,

sounds like you're making
real inroads around here.

Ms. Naugatuck,

Tuckahoe's first
liberated housekeeper.

And that's another thing,
I'm no longer a housekeeper.

I'm a domestic
maintenance engineer,

whatever the hell that is.

I must say, I am delighted

by this sudden
change in your attitude.

Oh, you shouldn't be surprised.

I've been very
active in England,

with the Suffragette Movement.

- Were you, really,
Ms. Naugatuck?
- Oh, yes!

Do you remember all
those suffragettes in jail

that went on that hunger strike?

Well, I had a little
something to do with that.

You know, I never knew that.

Oh, yes.

I was the prison cook.

Ah, Philip, come here, honey,
I have a big surprise for you.

Stephanie Fisher,

your grandmother's
oldest friend.

How do you do, Philip?

And, honey, look what
Stephanie brought me.

This is a picture of
your grandmother

when she was 16 years old.

Wow, you were really foxy.

You hear that, Stephie? Foxy.

And to think, all Ned
Zycksler called me

was "swell."

Philip, you look as though
you've been having fun.

Yeah, we were
goofing around out there

and we decided
to build a snowman.

Oh, well, I hope you build a
snow-woman right next to it.

A... a snow-woman?

There are men and women,

so why not snowmen
and snow-women?

I don't think Ron's mom

would like him to
build snow bazooms.

Uh... honey,

tomorrow morning
why don't you try

to make a snow-woman, okay?

And instead of my
old hat and pipe,

you can use one of
Maude's old brassieres.

Oh, it never snows
enough for that, grandpa.

All right, you two, I
know you think this is silly,

but it's really very important.

I can show you a
pamphlet I wrote,

about how the male images
that we present to children,

are often a subtle
putdown of women.

Uh, excuse me,

I've gotta go sing
carols with the guys now.

Oh, of course.

Well, my grandson
going caroling.

He and his young friends,

trudging through the
snow from house to house,

their angelic voices

singing of the love
that's in their hearts.

That is the true
spirit of Christmas.

I bet we make at least 15 bucks.

Walter, here's that pamphlet.

Now I just wanna
read you one section.

Stephanie, you don't have
to read any of that stuff to me,

I'm a liberated man.

That's something I caught
from being married to Maude.

That's true, Steph.

You know, when Walter
and I were first married,

he was constantly
lighting my cigarettes

and opening doors for me.

As a matter of fact,
most of our doors

still have cigarette
burns on them.

Walter, I know your
heart's in the right place,

but some of those
jokes about snow-women

kinda make me cringe.

Nothing as stimulating
as a good argument,

- is there, Maude?
- Uh, Stephanie,

you won't be, uh, talking
about women's problems

at the party, will ya?

Now, you see, Steph,
Walter is concerned

because for most
of his employees,

women's liberation
is allowing their wives

to drive them home from a party,

after they've passed
out in the front seat.

Don't worry. I'm used to it.

I'll do my best to
bite my tongue.

Oh, thanks, Steph,
you're a good guy.

- A good guy, Walter?
- Oh, come on, Steph!

You know what I mean?

- It's just an expression.
- Yes, of course,

it's an expression
perpetuating the male image.

Someone who's reasonable
and understanding.

- Yeah, but...
- It's part of the brainwashing.

You said, I was the
best of all possible things,

"a good guy."

Doing the manly thing.

Being a man about it.

All right, you're
not a good guy.

Oh, come on, Walter.

Oh, Walter, I didn't
mean to get you upset.

Oh, listen everybody, come
on, let's finish trimming the tree.

Here, Stephanie,
you hang this angel.

Doesn't seem to
be of either sex.

Here, Walter, you can
drape this string of cranberries

over the tree, okay?

I didn't mean to raise my
voice, Stephanie, I'm sorry.

I respect your opinion.

Thank you, Walter.

It's just that I don't
want you talking about

all that women's
lib jazz at the party.

Jazz?

Walter, darling,

women's equality is not jazz.

Stephanie, don't
point your angel.

Stephanie, darling...

Walter, don't jiggle
your cranberries.

Tonight's not a soapbox,
it's a Christmas party.

Well, what better place?

Don't you realize,

Jesus Christ was
the first feminist?

He taught the world that
love begins with equality.

My employees are
coming here to have fun.

It's Christmas.

And that's no
time for a lot of talk

about Jesus Christ and love!

Walter, has
anybody ever told you

how ridiculous you are?

Maude, as soon as
the gang gets here,

we're taking the tree and
the punch down to the store,

and I'll have the party there!

- Now, Walter, wait.
- Don't worry, I'm leaving!

- No, no, no, no,
Stephanie, wait.
- Good! Let her go!

- Walter!
- Maude, if she doesn't go,
I'm going!

Tonight is Christmas Eve,

and it is the happiest
Christmas eve of my life,

because I'm full of
love for you, Stephanie,

and I'm full of love
for you, Walter.

And if either of you takes
a step toward that door,

I'll rip your heart out.

♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪

- Oh, shut up!
- ♪ We wish you a merry... ♪

♪ It is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh. ♪

Merry Christmas, baby.

Ahh!

Uh, another stuffed
shrimp, Renee?

Oh, no, thanks, Mrs. Findlay,
I have to watch my diet.

- Maude.
- Oh, hi.

My husband says, if I
gain one more pound,

he's gonna trade me
in on another woman.

Uh, Renee, have you met
my friend, Stephanie Fisher?

- No!
- Good.

Listen, Stephanie,
remember your promise.

We are going to have a quiet,

joyous Christmas Eve,
with no controversy.

Now, have an hors d'oeuvre.

I don't see what I want.

Well, what would you like?

A bullet to bite on.

Oh, look, Steph, honey,
once the guests leave,

you and I will have
a cup of coffee

and reminisce about
old times, okay?

Pa ram pam.

Uh, Mrs. Naugatuck,
another batch of eggnog?

Mr. Findlay mixed up this.

Um, to my mind,

it needs a smidgen more rum.

Oh, well, here,
pour in what it needs.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, that's better.

Uh.

Mrs. Naugatuck, if you
can manage to control

your Christmas Eve
celebration until after the party,

you'll find a little something
extra in your stocking.

- Oh.
- Besides your hollow leg.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

- Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Everybody's here!

Hello, Carol.

Stephanie, you must
meet the Harmons.

Ignore him, love her.

Vivian, Arthur,
Merry, Merry, Merry!

- Merry Christmas!
- Ah!

Uh, I want you both to
meet Stephanie Fisher.

- Oh!
- My very best friend

in the whole world.

Oh?

Oh, and this is Vivian Harmon,

my other very best
friend in the whole world.

Oh! Hello.

Maude's told me
so much about you.

Oh, boy, women! We
nearly didn't get here.

You know, if I
didn't rush Vivian,

she'd never get
out of the house.

Oh, ha ha ho ho.

You know what women are
like when they're getting dressed

- for a party, always late.
- Oh, Arthur.

- They have no sense of time.
- Oh, Arthur.

Arthur, why don't you
go over to the punchbowl,

and bob for eggnog?

Oh, okay.

Oh, Maude,

I guess this is what
Christmas is all about.

Getting together with
your dearest friends.

Aww.

This is a wonderful
Christmas, isn't it?

Adorable.

Oh, Stephanie, it
must be terrible for you,

being away from your
husband on Christmas Eve.

I'm just never away from Arthur.

Except, of course, when he
goes off on his fishing trips,

but, you know, that's different.

A man needs his
outside activities.

Ow!

Hey, Vivian,

snap your garters over
here, and say hello to Walter.

Isn't he cute?

Well, excuse me, my
lord and master calls.

Coming, sweetmeat.

That's your best friend in
the world, a female lackey?

Oh, Stephanie, Vivian
happens to be a wonderful,

sweet person who's
very happily married,

and she has made
great strides as a woman.

Only last week, Arthur let
her pick out the scenic design

for their new checkbook.

Oh.

Ah, come on, Stephanie.

Why don't you
come into the kitchen

and give me a hand, huh?

Why?

Because I want to talk
to you about your attitude.

Someplace where
there is silence,

you know, and
privacy, and knives.

Um.

Excuse me, uh, Audrey, Earl.

Uh, tell me, would
it bother you terribly

if we turned on the radio

to listen to Billy Graham's
Christmas message?

Uh, sorry, Mrs.
Findlay, I was just,

uh, looking for the back door.

Why, did she swallow it?

Come on, Earl,
let's look upstairs.

Yeah, right.

Maude.

This party...

If you'd planned it that way,

you couldn't have built
a greater monument

to all the indignities that
women have to endure.

Oh, come on, it's
Christmas, Stephanie.

I mean, can't you
just relax for once?

Relax? Mau...

How the hell did we
ever become friends?

Oh, now, let's not
go into that now.

"Tis' the season to be jolly."

Jolly, oh.

So far, this is the worst
Christmas Eve I've ever had.

That's to be expected.

You know, you're three
weeks older than I am,

and Christmas
belongs to the young.

Maude, that was a
rotten thing to say.

Oh, come on, Stephanie,
that was a joke!

I might add one
of my better jokes.

I mean, if you had
any sense of humor left.

Yeah, yeah, well, I still
do have a sense of humor.

Well, I'd like to see more of it

because the way
you've been acting...

Thank Heaven, the doorbell.

Hey, how you doin'? I'm Eddie.

You know, your newspaper boy.

Yeah, I'm the guy who delivers
your newspaper every morning.

I hope you been
satisfied with my service.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, I'm in...
I'm in great shape

from jogging up
and down the block,

looking for my paper.

Yeah, well, uh,

my aim can't be
perfect every time, right?

Anyway, I was wondering

if you had a little traditional
Christmas envelope for me.

Oh, well, of course. As
a matter of fact, I left it

just where you left
my paper this morning.

- Yeah, where's that?
- Well, who knows?

I looked for an hour,
you look for an hour.

Uh, Merry Christmas.

- Young woman!
- Look, Steph, will ya lay off?

Not this time, Maude.

Young woman, don't you realize

that those men are only
using you for your body?

I figured it was
something like that.

Oh, god.

- Maude.
- Now, hold it!!

Oh.

Uh, it's time for a
Christmas game.

Carol, Walter, you hand
out the paper and pencils.

Oh, are we gonna have fun?

Maude, I don't wanna
have anything to...

We're gonna have fun, dammit.

All right, ah!

I know the perfect game

for Christmas Eve.

Dictionary.

Dictionary!

Now, somebody picks out a word

that nobody's ever heard of,

and then everybody writes
down what they think it means,

and then we all vote

on what we think is
the correct definition.

Isn't this fun?

Hey, I should be good at this.

That's the way we
make a diagnosis

down at the hospital.

Is it? Is it, honestly?

Here, Carol, honey,
you do the honors,

I have to go upstairs.

♪ It's Christmas bonus time ♪

♪ For Findlay's
Friendly employees. ♪

Excuse me, excuse me.

And I have a big
surprise for everyone.

Okay, everybody ready?

- Yeah.
- Okay, let's do it.

The word is...

- "hagiography."
- Hagiography?

- Hagiography.
- Well, how do you spell it?

- H-A-G - Yeah.

- I-O - I-O

- G-R-A-P-H-Y.
- G-R-A-P-H-Y.

"Hagiography."

Okay, everybody got it?

Hagiography. What could it be?

I know, a hagiography
is a biography of my wife.

Well, if it was a
biography of my wife,

it'd be a nagiography.

Hey, you know what
the title would be?

Not This Year, Arthur,
I Gotta Headache.

How can you insult
women like that?

What? Come on, Stephanie,
loosen up, it's Christmas.

Time for peace on earth,
goodwill toward men.

Goodwill toward people.

Well, men's a generic term,
it means men and women.

Uh-huh, you say,
"goodwill toward men,"

and you think, "men and women"?

Certainly, right. I
think of all mankind.

Ah, that's what I mean.

You see, language
reflects the way we think.

What about the rest of you,
when you hear, "mankind,"

do you really think
of men and women?

Or, do you just get a
mental picture of men?

I always think of men.

I'm sure if I said
the words Ry-Krisp,

you'd think of men.

Uh-huh, thin men.

It's amazing.

I'm in a room full of
people, and not one of you

has the faintest idea of
what I'm talking about.

Maude's the only
one who understands.

Maude is the only one

who conducts
herself with the dignity

that every woman
should aspire to.

- Ho ho ho!
- Ho ho!

Merry Christmas!

Maude, how could you?

How could you come down
here, wearing that outfit?

Why, did some other
woman come to the party

wearing the same thing?

Ha ha ha, I mean,
ho ho ho ho ho.

Maude, don't you
see what you're doing?

You're perpetuating
the male myth.

Santa Claus is all
goodness and kindness.

He's the big provider.

All women can do is receive.

Oh, come on, now, Stephanie.

We're talking about Santa Claus,

somebody who doesn't even exist.

I mean, oh,
Stephanie, this is trivia.

- Maude!
- No!

Now, don't you realize what
you're doing, Stephanie?

You're ruining my
Christmas Eve party,

you're ruining
Walter's office party,

and worst of all, and for
this, I'll never forgive you,

you ruined my entrance
in my Santa suit.

Why don't you two just quit it?

Now, I... I'm all for
women's rights, too,

but can't you just forget
it until after the holidays?

No.

Party poop.

Well, that's what she
is, she's a party poop.

- Poop, poop, poop.
- There for Viv.

Ah, you hold it!

Don't you dare applaud!

Especially you, women.

Now, Stephanie Fisher
has done as much for women

in this country as
anyone else alive.

I mean, she's on our side,

even if she is a militant flake.

A militant flake?

Quiet, Stephanie.

I mean, Stephanie
Fisher is right.

Language is just
the tip of the iceberg.

I mean, all Stephanie
is working for,

is... is for our dignity
and our future as women,

which we deserve
and if we put her down,

who loses?

Who? We do.

If you don't believe
me, wait until tomorrow,

when we're celebrating
that biggest of holidays,

all across the country.

We wives will be in the kitchen,

cooking and stuffing
and washing and wiping,

while our, our husbands
are off in the living room,

watching football
and pouring beer

down the sides of their faces.

Maude, that was wonderful.

Well, I meant it.

Oh, Maude, Maude.

Stephanie.

Stephanie.

Aww.

- Stephanie.
- Maude.

- Maude, Maude.
- Stephanie.

Well, now that
that's out of the way...

do you think we can have a
nice, quiet Christmas Eve?

I'm sure of it.

I don't think I have any
righteousness left in me.

Oh. You know, something, Steph,

deep down, you're
really a good guy.

Come on, everybody,
let's sing carols, okay?

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

My aim is improving.

Come on in.

♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la. ♪♪

Maude was taped in Hollywood

before a live audience.