Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Case of the Broken Punch Bowl - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin', ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

♪ Happy holiday ♪

♪ Happy holiday ♪

Oh, Walter, this is the best
second honeymoon I ever had.

And better than two
of my first honeymoons.

And it's not over yet, Maude.

♪ The night is young
and you're so... ♪



Please, Walter, don't spoil it.

Just think, Maude, we got the
rest of the night all to ourselves.

Nobody's home but you and me.

Oh.

Just you and me.

And me.

Mrs. Naugatuck. I
thought you were next door

helping Vivian
out with her party.

The party's over.

It's only 11:30.

Another one of
Vivian's dull affairs.

It was rather like one of
those progressive parties.

As the evening wore on,

it got progressively duller.

Well, looks like
our party's over, too.

Uh, Mrs. Naugatuck.

I don't think we'll be needing
you anymore this evening,

so why don't you
go out on the town?

Uh, what, at
midnight in Tuckahoe?

Oh, come on.

Uh, tell me, Mrs. Naugatuck,

is Carol back
from the party, too?

No, she went with her
date to get some coffee.

You see? Some places
are still open in Tuckahoe.

- They had to go to Yonkers.
- That's right, Walter.

Yonkers swings
like the pendulum do.

Ma'am, there's something

I think you should know.

Uh, ma'am, you
remember that, uh,

punchbowl you
loaned the Harmons?

Of course, I do.

Well, it got
chipped at the party.

Chipped?

My priceless, Waterford,
antique crystal punchbowl

that's been in my family for
generations, how chipped?

Well, ma'am...

- How chipped?
- Uh, well, ma'am...

How chipped?

- How chipped?
- Well, ma'am...

How chipped?

Pretty chipped.

- Sweetheart.
- Oh, ma'am.

- Oh, ma'am.
- Sweetheart.

No!

Sweetheart. Come on.

- Maude.
- Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry, ma'am.

You must feel dreadful.

Oh. I'm all right now.

You know, Mrs. Naugatuck,
when I was a little girl,

I broke my mama doll.

Which used to go,

"ma-ma, ma-ma."

One day I dropped it.

The head broke
into a million pieces.

No more, "ma-ma, ma-ma."

I cried for three
days and three nights

and when I was all cried out,

my mother, who was very wise,

took me and put me on her knee

and she said, "Maude,

"you know a doll
is only a possession

and possessions
are meaningless."

And you know something?

My mother was wrong.

How did it happen?
How did it happen?

How did it happen?

Don't just lie there. Tell me!

Tell me!

Actually, ma'am,

I'm not quite sure
how it happened?

You're not... You're
not quite sure?

You were there, weren't you?

Yes. I was right in the room.

- I almost saw.
- You almost saw it?

Yes, all I remember is

I heard voices, saw a scuffle

- and then I heard a crash.
- I'm sure, sure.

How is it possible
to be in a room,

hear voices, see
scuffle, hear a crash,

and not know exactly
how it happened?

- Were you at the party, ma'am?
- Well, you know, I wasn't.

Well, then I heard voices,

saw a scuffle, heard a crash.

- "Ma-ma, ma-ma."
- And then I'm not quite sure
what happened?

Ma...

Oh, Maude, Maude, Maude.

- Be calm.
- Oh.

Be calm. Remember, Maude,

- this is our second honeymoon.
- Shut up, you sex maniac.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

- Oh.
- Honey.

Honey.

All the king's horses

and all the king's
men can't put back

your antique Waterford crystal
punchbowl together again.

Oh, thank you,
Walter. That's sweet.

If my bowl wasn't
broken, I'd throw up in it.

Thank the Lord
for small mercies.

Come on, honey.

Maude, look at me.

Sweetheart.

First thing tomorrow,

we'll go out and get
another one, I promise.

And who knows, you
may even like it better.

Oh, thank you, darling.

And I'm sorry, I threw
that silly tantrum.

I mean, this is our
second honeymoon.

Let's go upstairs.

- Good night, Mrs. Naugatuck.
- See you in the morning.

No, I don't care what
you say, Arthur Harmon,

I'm spending the night here!

I am the one who should
be spending the night here

after your shameful behavior.

- Oh, pooey.
- Now, listen, Vivian.

Oh, phoo! I told you 50
times, nothing happened.

- Good evening.
- Shut up!

That's right, Walter, be
quiet. This really sounds juicy.

Go ahead, Vivian.

Well, Arthur's an old fogey.

The wife is always
the last to know.

You don't think Maude is
gonna let you stay here, do you,

when she finds out that
you broke her punchbowl?

Aha!

I? I broke? You broke.

Aha-Aha!

It was your fault
and I can prove it.

I have a witness.

All right, go ahead,
Mrs. Naugatuck.

Tell them everything.

All about my wife's
shocking behavior

and how the
punchbowl got broken.

Well, I'm not quite sure
how that happened?

Well, I am, and
I'm gonna tell it.

No, you are not, because
you will tell it all wrong.

- I am going to tell it.
- Vivian!

I am going to tell the truth
and nothing but the truth.

And I'm gonna tell it first.

Now, Vivian spent
the entire night

acting shamelessly

all because of some
mooks of a hockey player

that Carol brought to
the party as her date.

Now, there were some

stupid argument going
on about women in sports.

But Vivian was so busy making
cow eyes at the hockey player,

she didn't even bother to
say good night to the guests.

It was positively embarrassing.

What about, uh, Billie Jean King

or Chris Evert or
Babe Didrikson?

Oh, now, now, those are
all exceptions to the rule.

Good night.

Good night all.

Oh, doctor, would
you mind very much

if I ask you to see
me to my door.

I'm exhausted, I want to retire.

Of course, all the guests
will be gone in a moment

and then it'll be my pleasure.

Oh, by the way, doctor,

it looks as if your wife

is undressing that handsome
hockey player with her eyes.

That's all right, Mrs.
Naugatuck. Don't worry.

She's not doing
it with her hands.

I'm sorry you have
to leave so early.

Ole, buddy, we've
really got to fly.

- Can't you stay
a little longer?
- No, we really do...

I mean, we really
do have to fly.

Oh. Good night.

Well, Carol, I'm
just saying that

women can't possibly compete
with men in contact sports,

uh, simply because of the
male physical superiority.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Do you care to prove it?

Prove it. Prove it.
Prove it. Prove it.

Prove. Hmm?

I'll count to 3.

One.

Two.

I don't believe this.

It's like watching an
X-rated Sesame Street.

I said,

"do you care to prove it?"

Ooh!

Oh.

There is one contact sport
that women are as good at,

if not better than men,

and I don't mean Tiddlywinks.

Wow!

Now, put me down.

Slowly.

Oh!

Ooh.

Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.

Mmm.

Vivian, this is too much.

Vivian, my sweet pet.

If it's brute strength
that appeals to you,

get a load of these apples.

Oh, Arthur, really?

Aga-ga-ga-ga.

Vivian, this is really too much.

Oh, pooh.

Here.

You great big hunk of a man.

Comin' with me?

You can help me scrape
off my... dirty dishes.

Arthur, are you just
gonna stand there

and let him scrape
off her Melmac?

Oh, Arthur.

Oh, poor, sweet, dear, Arthur.

Thank you, Carol.

I appreciate your support.

Oh, doctor, I'm so sorry.

But in my book,

you're still king of the
house, King Arthur.

And if I were you, your majesty,

I'd go right in there
and stop the queen

before she becomes
a queen mother.

Don't you wanna kiss me?

Oh, yes, I want
to kiss you, but,

what about your husband?

You can kiss him later.

Don't waste time laughing.

Oh! No.

Mrs. Naugatuck,

I've got to do the manly thing.

Oh, please, Dr. Harmon.

Arthur, I'm being
attacked, or vice versa.

- Oh, I... now, look, Arthur.
- Sir...

you see here the
hands of a surgeon.

It would be tragic if
they should be damaged.

But what the heck?

Sorry, Carol.

I don't care.

I don't care!

- I don't care what happens!
- Arthur!

Arthur, what are you
doing? What are you doing?

Now, look what you've done?

Now, then, Mrs. Naugatuck,

is that or is that not
the way it happened?

Exactly, it's the
God's honest truth.

Oh, it is not!

Mrs. Naugatuck, how
can you agree with him

when you know he's lying?

Me? lie?

Vivian, I'm a doctor.

Don't look at me.

You all know my
reputation for veracity.

And every time
you tell the truth,

you ruin your reputation.

Can't we sleep on it?

I know what you're thinking,
Walter, and the answer is no!

Now, Vivian, that bowl

has been in my family
for over 80 years.

Now it is gone!

Thanks to you and
that mad fling you had

with that raunchy hockey player.

Oh, Maude, please listen to me.

Do you wanna know what
really happened at the party?

I mean, what really,
really, really, really, really...

Well, why else
would I be sitting here

when I could be upstairs
having the time of Walter's life.

Now, tell your story.

Well.

Now, Maude, I'm gonna tell you
what really happened at the party.

- I have just told her.
- Yes, but you lied.

I'm going to tell the truth.

Now, Maude.

I can't help it, if... if...

If men find me so
attractive at these parties.

Particularly, Carol's date.

But it just drives Arthur
insane with jealousy

and that makes
him terribly nasty.

Well, so, there I was
trying to be a good hostess

by conversing with
our remaining guests

while Arthur was
barking good night

to those who were leaving.

What about Billie Jean
King or, or... or Chris Evert?

Oh, w-w-what about
Babe Didrikson? Um...

Isn't she cute?

Don't you know those
are exceptions to the rule?

- Good night.
- Good night!

And good riddance
to bad rubbish.

Oh, Dr. Harmon,

what the hell do you
want, Naugatuck?

Well, if you're going
to have that attitude,

you better just
see me to my door.

I'm pooped.

Well, then go on home!

Don't you shout at me!

Why don't you shout
at that rude man

that's undressing
your wife with his eyes?

I wouldn't give
her the satisfaction,

she's only trying
to make me jealous.

Doctor, uh, we've
really got to fly.

Well, then fly, you old buzzard.

Good night!

Ah, come on!

Women can't possibly compete
with men in a contact sport

simply because of the
male physical superiority.

Oh, yeah. Prove... prove it.

I thought you'd never ask.

I don't believe it.

What is this, Jock and Jill?

I just like to see him try, huh.

Okay.

Oh! Oh!

Hey! There is one contact
sport that women are as good at,

if not better than men,

and I don't mean Tiddlywinks.

Oh, uh, bingo?

Ooh! Now, you're talking!

Oh, no! Put me down!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Jim, this is too much.

Well, if Vivian will allow that,

get a load of these apples.

Your apples must
have put on weight.

Arthur! Huh!

Ah, here.

Oh!

Oh, you're not coming with me?

Sure.

I wanna help you
scrape off your plates.

Oh! Oh!

Are you gonna stand there
and let him get away with that

"help you scrape
off your plates" jazz?

Ah, shut up, Carol!

I get more support
from my Supp-Hose.

And you claim to be
king of the household.

Well, if you won't
save your queen

from that puck-chaser,

I will.

Oh, you don't wanna kiss me.

Oh, don't I?

Oh, why are you
laughing like that?

Buzz off, you old bag!

I'm gonna do the manly thing.

I think he beat you to it.

Arthur, I'm being attacked!

- Or vice versa.
- Oh.

Hey, now look, Arthur...

You see here the
hands of a surgeon.

It would be tragic if
they should be damaged.

But what the hell?

I don't care. I don't care!

I don't care what happens.

Arthur! Wait, I... Arthur!

Now, look, what you've done?

And that's exactly
the way it happened.

Isn't it, Mrs. Naugatuck?

Exactly, that's the
God's honest truth.

This is an outrage!

Mrs. Naugatuck, she's
lying and you know it.

Exactly.

That's the God's honest truth.

I don't understand this.

First, you say you
don't remember.

Then you say Arthur is right.

Now you say Vivian is right.
How could that possibly be?

- I tell it like it is.
- Mrs. Naugatuck,

- you know what you're full of?
- What?

Contradictions.

Enough to cover our lawn.

Now, look, we're
not getting anywhere.

So, why can't
we all sleep on it?

Will you get your
mind out of the gutter?

- Tell us, Mrs. Naugatuck!
- You stick to your story!

- You tell us the truth!
- But you are telling the truth!

- Bye, Jim. Thank you.
- Uh-oh, ding-ding.

Hello, Carol.

Well...

I see you three cutups
have finally sobered up.

Sobered up?

Well, there's no use
going on all night about this.

It was just one of those
things, right, lambchop?

Right, right, but we...
We just might as well run...

If you'll excuse
me, I'm very tired.

Hold it!

The first one who moves
has to take me on first.

- Hey...
- Not you, Walter.

Now, no one is going to leave

until I find out exactly
who broke my punchbowl.

Now, Carol tell us, what did
happen at Vivian's house tonight?

- We don't wanna rehash...
- Quiet!

Carol.

Well...

the hit of the evening

for, uh, Arthur and, um, Vivian

and Mrs. Naugatuck

was your punchbowl,
or what was in it.

Jim and I were
discussing women in sports

and, uh, Arthur was saying
good night to the guests.

And believe me,

our three little friends
here were feeling no pain.

Excuse me.

But, what about...

What about Billie Jean King
or Chris or... or Babe Didrikson?

- Now, now, those are
all exceptions to the rule.
- Oh, Jim.

Nighty-night, folksy's.

♪ Show me the way to go home ♪

♪ I'm tired and I
want to go to bed ♪

I say Artie.

Look, your wife's undressing

that man with her eyes.

- So, if you'll
excuse me, - Yeah.

I'll just go and get my
bifocals and join her.

Oh! Do you really
have to go so early?

- We have to.
- Oh!

- Arthur.
- Huh?

- Your fly.
- What?

Your fly.

Good night, nurse!

I'm telling you that
women can't possibly

compete with men
in contact sports,

simply because of their...
The male physical superiority.

I bet you're afraid to
prove it, curly locks.

Curly locks.

I don't believe this.

It's like watching
a Looney Tune.

"Yo Gabba Gabba.
That's all folks."

- Let's go, Jim.
- No, no, no.

Wait a minute. Let him prove it.

I double dog dare you.

- Okay.
- Ah!

- Here.
- Oh!

Ha-ha!

Whoa!

- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah.

What sport that
women are as good at,

if not better than men?

- Karate!
- Aw!

Oh, it comes in very handy

when you meet a
chap in a dark alley.

If he ignores you,
you just do karate.

Aw!

Oh, this is too much!

Okay, hockey-jockey.

Get a load of these apples.

Ooh!

Okay.

Apple pie to you too, fella.

Oh, Arthur.

Here, here, Jim. Oh!

You wanna come with me?

We'll scrape off our...

We'll scrape off the...

Oh, well.

Come on, we'll find
something to scrape off.

At the rate she's going,

Jim's gonna have to
scrape her off... of him.

- Uh, Carol.
- Oh!

Oh, thank you, I
appreciate your support.

I think I'll go and
see how queen Vivian

is getting on with King Kong.

Oh.

Don't... don't you
wanna kiss me?

Oh, come on, now, Mrs.
Harmon, you're loaded.

I'm not gonna kiss you.

Oh.

Oh, don't laugh at me.

No!

Oh! Whoopee!

What a party!

Mrs. Naugatuck, I've
got to do the manly thing.

- Vivian?
- Oh, stop worrying, Arthur.

I'm not being attacked.

Start worrying, Arthur,
I think it was vice versa.

Now, look, Arthur.

Uh, you see here the
hands of a surgeon.

It would be tragic if
they should be damaged.

Now, Arthur, I think
there's something...

- It's okay, fella.
- Ah!

- Oh!
- It's okay.

I don't care what
happened. It's a party.

No, no!

And that's the truth.

Every word of it.

Right, Mrs. Naugatuck?

Well, I'm not quite sure.

Mrs. Naugatuck!

Now, I'm sure!

I really don't understand.

You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.

Arthur lies

because he thinks it's a
crime for a man to be afraid.

Vivian lies because she
feels it's a disgrace for...

For a woman to be rejected.

And Mrs. Naugatuck lies

because of a little strange
quirk in her personality:

she always lies.

And that's the
God's honest truth.

Well...

there's no use crying
over my punchbowl.

It's gone and...

We might just as
well forget about it.

I forgive you.

Oh, I am for that.

Oh, thank you, Maudie.
You really are a great lady.

Oh, you're big,
Maude, really big.

I prefer "great."

Maude, I gotta hand it to you.

You really are a terrific
person forgiving everyone.

Everyone but you.

- Me?
- It's all your fault.

If it hadn't been for
you and your lust,

I wouldn't have
spent the weekend

locked up in that
sleazy motel room

on the outskirts of town.

I would have been
over at Vivian's house,

looking out for my priceless

Waterford antique
crystal punchbowl

that has been in my
family for generations.

Maude was taped in Hollywood

before a live audience.