Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 13 - Poor Albert - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin', ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Mrs. Naugatuck!

Oh, sorry, ma'am.

You know what
curiosity did to the cat?

I know what it did to
the one across the street,

it got her 12 kittens.

You know, I-I-I just... I don't
know why I put up with you.



I really don't.

You're not terribly
efficient, you're not very fast.

I mean, why do I put up with it?

You're not black.

Well, I just don't
understand you, ma'am.

Letting a letter from
your ex-husband

go unopened for two whole days!

Oh, you don't understand.

This isn't a letter from one
of my ordinary ex-husbands.

This is from Poor Albert.

Poor, sweet, gentle man.

The saddest person
I've ever known.

You know, once he
took me to Capistrano

and the swallow stayed
in a holding pattern

until we left.

You must be talking
about Poor Albert.

Oh, Mother, shouldn't
you open his letter?

It's been two days now.

Please, Carol, I
cannot face it now.

But why do you get upset

when you get a letter
from Poor Albert?

You know how he exaggerates.

Oh, honey, it's just that
he makes everything

sound so pathetic.

I mean, his imaginary
illnesses, his bad investments.

You know, he once wrote a
letter to the Playboy advisor

about the infrequency
of his sex life,

and they cancelled
his subscription.

I-I just cannot
face this letter now.

Gather round, ladies!
Hot off the presses!

Proof sheets of the ads

for my Annual
Founder's Day sale.

- Oh, Walter, very nice.
- Walter, what a great bargain.

Walter, how can you
sell a color television set

for $69.95?

Oh, no, Maude,
you're reading it wrong.

It's not $69.95, look
closely under the 5.

Under the 5? I
don't see anything.

Look closer.

I am, Walter, I still
don't see anything.

Here.

You mean this little fly speck?

That fly speck says "down."

It's $69.95 down.

Of course, how
could I have missed it?

Walter, is this an
ad or an eye chart?

Come on, Maude.

Walter, we go through
this every single year

at Founder's Day.

Why do you constantly
try to fool the public?

I mean, why can't
you be honest enough

to put out an ad where
everything can be read?

I tried that once, the
sale was a disaster.

Oh, my, look at this.

"Very valuable, imported gift

to the first 200 customers."

Oh, what are they, Mr. Findlay?

Uh... look at the ad
on the refrigerators.

Walter, how can you afford

to give away very
valuable gifts?

Anything for my customers.

Look at the buy
on the refrigerators.

Uh, Walter, is my ESP working?

These very valuable,
imported gifts,

you finally found
a way to unload

those Portuguese curling irons?

What do you mean "unload"?

Walter, a Portuguese
curling iron

is not a very valuable gift.

It is to a Portuguese
with straight hair.

- I'm suddenly in the mood.
- Mood? What mood?

You just made me feel bad enough

to read Poor Albert's letter.

Come on, I want
everybody's advice.

I need a picture
of myself for the ad.

Now, remember,
I'm Friendly Findlay.

Now, which one do you
think looks friendliest?

Walter, do you have to
use your picture in the ad?

It's a Founder's Day
sale and I'm the founder.

Whose picture would you suggest?

- Lloyd Bridges.
- Robert Redford.

Charles Bronson.

- Dick Tracy.
- Peter Falk.

- Colonel Sanders.
- Jean-Paul Belmondo.

- Warner Baxter.
- George Arliss.

Come on, I get the point.

George Arliss?

Here.

Do you think this one
looks friendly enough?

Come on, Walter, that
picture was taken 25 years ago.

You look like the
cover of Mad Magazine.

What, me worry?

Walter, it's amazing!

Except for the mustache,

- in 25 years...
- Yeah?

You've aged.

Oh, no, oh, no.
Oh, this is terrible.

- This is... Oh, Poor Albert.
- It's always Poor Albert.

No, no, no, no,
Walter, listen to this.

"Dearest Maude,
you needn't bother

"sending me a
birthday card this year,

"because even though my birthday

"is only 10 days away

the Doctors says
I won't make it."

Mother, I'm sure he's
just exaggerating again.

Poor, sweet, gentle Albert.
He's being so considerate.

He's trying to spare me

the trouble of sending
him a birthday card.

Well, now you can send
him a "get well" card.

Well, that's what I always
send him on his birthday.

It cheers him up.

"No need to mourn, Maude,

"because thanks to warm,

"wonderful, understanding you,

"I enjoyed our seven
marvelous months of marriage.

"In what was otherwise
a dismal existence.

Good-bye and God bless you."

He signed it "Pa"?

No, that's P-A
for "Poor Albert."

I wonder if he really
means it this time.

No chance.

He always makes things
worse than they are, Mother.

- I'm sure he's fine.
- No, still, I'd better phone.

Oh, Maude, just in
case he's telling the truth,

call person-to-person.

Walter, God...
You're right, I better.

Come on, let's get
back to these pictures.

You know, Founder's Day is the
most important day of the year for me.

Oh, I like this
picture, Mr. Findlay.

Oh, it's so dignified,

sincere, trustworthy.

Someone you could
buy a Mr. coffee from

and know you
weren't getting shafted.

That's good enough for me.

Oh, would you
mind getting that, sir?

I got the last one.

Yes?

Is this the Findlay residence?

That's right.

I'm from Bill and
Joe's Mortuary.

Bill and Joe's Mortuary?

That's right.

I'm Edward Joe. My
partner is Robert Bill.

Please don't make fun.

There must be some mistake.
We're all very healthy here.

I can see that.

But, there's no mistake.

This is not a takeout.

It's a delivery.

For Mrs. Findlay
from A. Hilliard.

- Huh?
- Albert Hilliard.

A package from Albert.

What's in there?

Albert.

Albert?

He passed away last Thursday.

It was his request that his
ashes be delivered to Mrs. Findlay.

- Oh, no.
- Come in.

Well, now I'm really worried.

Albert's phone has
been disconnected.

Maude, this gentleman
has a package for you.

Oh, Walter, you remembered!

Ah, he always
sends me a little gift

every year on Founder's Day.

- Uh, Mother, it's...
- Maude...

No, don't tell me.

It's light, that
means it's a fun gift.

Maude.

This gentleman is
from a funeral home.

Poor Albert died.

Oh, no.

When?

Last Thursday.

Oh, poor, sweet, gentle Albert.

And he wanted me to have this?

What's in here?

Albert.

Those are his ashes.

He wanted you to have them.

And here's an envelope
that goes with the package.

And now, if you'll excuse me.

Oh, by the way,
uh, here's my card.

"Bill and Joe's,
one never knows."

What does he say, Mother?

"I don't mean to
impose on you, Maude,

"but I would die happy
knowing you consented

"to scatter my
ashes over Pine Lake

"on my birthday.

"For as you remember,

"my birthday is the anniversary

of the only momentous
event of my life."

Of course, we were... we
were married on his birthday.

Poor Albert, he
was so sentimental.

He wanted to be
married on his birthday,

so that he would never
forget our wedding anniversary.

Thing is, we never had one.

I could only stand
him for seven months.

But why Pine Lake?

I don't know.

Well,

sometimes when people
feel their time is near

they turn to nature or religion.

My father turned to young girls.

That was his nature.

Pine Lake, of course!

Pine Lake, that's where
we went on our honeymoon.

We spent our honeymoon
in the honeymoon suite

of the Pine Cone Lodge
overlooking the lake.

Carol, I'd like to look at my
wedding pictures with Albert.

The albums are
upstairs in my bookcase.

Uh, Carol,

arranged alphabetically
according to husband.

Well, Walter,

I'm gonna have to go to
Pine Lake on Albert's birthday.

I know, and naturally
I'm going with you.

Oh, darling, thank you.

I just don't think I
could do it alone.

I wouldn't hear of it.

I could never let
the woman I love

be alone at a time of sorrow

without my comfort and support.

Oh, Walter, thank you.

You know, you just might
be the most loving person

who ever lived.

- When do we go up there?
- Well, let's see,

Albert's birthday is the 28th.

That's right, next
Wednesday, the 28th.

Good.

That's my Founder's Day!

Maude, Wednesday, the
28th is my Founder's Day sale.

It's the biggest
event of the year.

I know, darling,

and I love you for
being willing to forego it.

No, it shows how understanding
and compassionate you are.

I'm not going, Maude.

Walter.

How can you have a Founder's
Day sale without the founder?

Walter, when you have
your Lincoln's Birthday sale

is Abe there?

- Forget it, Maude!
- Walter!

No!

It's the one day of the
year I repay all the hundreds

of my loyal customers!

Customers? Friends!

People who flock to the store

because they realize I'm
sacrificing merchandise

at cost, at below cost!

And Albert or no Albert,

I'm not gonna give
up all that profit!

Maude, no!

Look, I'll go the day before.

I'll go the day after,
but not the 28th.

Walter, how many
times, in our marriage,

have I asked you to do
a special favor for me?

At least once a day.

All right, all right.

Walter, how many
times in our marriage

have I asked you to
go someplace with me

that you didn't wanna go to?

- At least once a week.
- All right.

How many times have I asked you

to help me spread Albert's
ashes over Pine Lake?

You can't answer
that, can you, Walter?

Huh? Huh, Walter, huh?

Maude, for the last time, no!

Walter, I intend
to honor this poor,

friendless man's dying request!

He chose me because
he knew I was dependable.

He says in the letters, "I
am warm and wonderful..."

- Hello, everybody.
- Shut up!

"I'm warm and wonderful
and understanding."

For crying out loud, Maude...

Oh, a lover's tiff.

Now, tell Vivie all about it,
and she'll make it all better.

Vivian, Albert died.

You see, now it's all better.

Vivian, my ex-husband,

Albert died.

Albert died?

Poor Albert?

Oh, Poor Albert died.

Where was he laid to rest?

Uh, right now he's on the bar.

Oh... Oh!

No, those are his ashes.

That's what Walter and
I were arguing about.

He expressed the desire to
be sprinkled over Pine Lake.

Oh, well then you must do it.

Well, of course we must.

He left definite instructions.

Here are two detailed letters,

both written at great
pain just before he died.

What did he die of?

Probably writer's cramp.

All right, all right, I'm sorry,

but I'm still not going on the
28th. We'll go the day after.

He wants to be
scattered on the 28th!

It's blasphemy to disregard
the wishes of the departed.

You know what, Maude,

you're like some primitive
who lives in the dark ages,

and who believes in
goblins and evil omens.

Here it is, the 20th Century,
and you're superstitious.

Look, Walter, what if you
had made a final request?

What if you died and...

Don't say that it's bad luck!

Pooey!

Oh, Mrs. Findlay,

Carol just told me
about Poor Albert,

so I brought down this urn.

It contains the ashes of
my late husband, Cyril.

I thought Albert might
like some company.

Mrs. Naugatuck,
that's very sweet.

Now get lost.

You're welcome.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

If the whiskey don't get you

- the women must.
- That's it.

Oh, Walter, I can
barely keep from crying.

I have been under a most
severe emotional strain.

Darling, I know your
business is important to you,

but it is very important to me
that I honor Albert's wishes,

so you stay and
take care of your sale,

and I'll go up there alone.

Maude, I love you too much
to let you do this by yourself.

So you can't go!

- Walter, how...
- No, you can't go, Maude!

But, Walter, Albert...

Albert! Albert! Albert!
What does he know?

Let him do some
good for once in his life!

Sprinkle him on
some icy sidewalk!

How could you,
Walter? He'll hear you!

A sidewalk, Albert! A sidewalk!

- No! Walter!
- Don't do that, please.

I don't believe this.

You three really think
that ashes have ears.

Walter, even the most
ridiculous things are possible!

That's why Howard Cosell
has his own variety show!

Oh, I love him.

Walter, even if Poor
Albert can't hear us,

you must honor his last request
because God can hear us.

Vivian, do you think
God is listening to us?

Of course, he is, Walter.

God is everywhere!

He's in the air.

He's in the water.
He's in the garage.

Vivian, the garage?

Oh, yes.

Well, he's in that coffee
table, he's in this ice bucket.

He's in this urn.

Oh, I hope not.

Cyril's an atheist.

Walter, I know where God is.

He is right here in my heart.

And my heart tells me, Walter,

that I must honor the wishes
of that poor, friendless man.

Now I ask you,
Walter, from my heart,

will you do this with me?

No.

Get him for that.

Mother,

here's the wedding album

with the pictures
of Poor Albert.

Thanks, honey, just
put them on the bar.

Well, are you two
going to Pine Lodge?

- Yes.
- No.

- Maude!
- Walter!

Listen, listen,

I couldn't help overhearing
and I think I have a solution.

We already have a solution.

- We're not going.
- Walter!

- Maude!
- Listen.

Pine Lodge is only
two hours away.

You could drive up
there the night of the 27th.

Stay overnight at
Pine Cone Lodge,

and get up at dawn, and
scatter the ashes over the lake,

and be back to the
store in time for the sale.

- That could work.
- That's a great idea.

We could do exactly
what Albert and I did

when we were married.

We got up to the
Lodge about midnight

and left at dawn the next day.

You and Albert had a
four hour honeymoon?

It was his birthday.

He wanted to get back
to open his presents.

Okay, we'll go.

You know something,

we could even have some fun.

We can make it a
second honeymoon.

Of course.

Yours or his?

Oh, Maude, I was just
looking at this old picture

of Poor Albert, and
it's really so sad.

You can just see in his
face what a loser he was.

What a pitiful, miserable...

Vivian, that's Walter!

Oh!

Walter.

Walter, what time is it?

Almost 7:00. Your Mister
went out to the phone.

He told me I could
get started cleaning.

He said I should
wake you up at 7:00

if you was asleep,
but you ain't,

so I don't have to.

You're not Walter.

No, ma'am, I'm Hilda.

I'll give you a chance to
get up before I make the bed.

Oh, that's very decent of you.

I was afraid you'd try
to make it around me.

Look, Hilda, I'd
like to be alone.

This is a very special,

sacred day for my
husband and me.

You see we're... we're up
here fulfilling a death wish.

That's true of everybody
that checks in this place.

Oh, Hilda, we'll be checking
out in a few minutes.

- Walter, where have you been?
- Double checking on the plane.

Come on, Maude, we're
gonna meet the pilot

at the airport in an hour.

Walter, what
kind of plane is it?

It's perfectly safe.

And the pilot's gotta be great.

He's a professional crop duster.

A crop duster, Walter,
for spreading ashes?

Who'd you expect, the Red Baron?

Come on, Maude,
let's get this over with

and get back for Founder's Day.

I'm gonna grab a quick shave.

Mind if I start on the bed?

Oh, Hilda,

can't you come back later?

Oh, that's all right, dear,
you won't be in my way.

Uh, Hilda,

there was a little box
here, did you move it?

Oh, yeah, there was
nothing in it but dust.

I threw it out.

You threw... you... Where?

In there, in the toilet.

For heaven's sake, Walter,
whatever you do don't...

Well, Albert, at least
you made it to the lake.

Why, Mr. Ed.

No, it's...

No, it's Mr. Joe.

- Edward Joe.
- Of course.

From Tom and Joe's Mortuary.

No. My partner is Mr. Bill.

It's Bill and Joe's Mortuary.

You're not gonna
make fun, are you?

Oh, I wouldn't... I wouldn't
think of it, please come in.

Mrs. Findlay, that box that
I delivered here last week,

I'm afraid there's
been a terrible mistake.

I accidentally gave
you the wrong one.

That wasn't Albert Hilliard.

Well, I'm afraid the, uh,

the ashes have already
been disposed off.

Oh, oh, no. Oh, oh, no.

Oh, if word of this gets out,

my career could go
right down the toilet.

Well, Mr. Joe, don't worry.

We'll keep it our
secret, but, uh, tell me,

who was in the box
that you gave me?

A Gus Considine.

A wonderful, warm, generous man

who dedicated
his life to his work.

I only hope he had
a fitting farewell.

Tell me, what sort
of work did he do?

He was a plumber.

Maude was taped in Hollywood

before a live audience.