Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 12 - Walter's Ethics - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪



Oh...

Mrs. Naugatuck,
the table looks lovely.

It does, doesn't it?

And you look lovely, too.

I do, don't I?

But why are we making all
this fuss about dinner tonight,

just because your
guest is a millionaire?

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Now, if Randolph
Cutler buys Walter's store

to build a high-rise,
we'll be on easy street.

I mean, the fact
that he's a millionaire

has nothing to with it.

Besides, we've had
millionaires in this house before.

- Who?
- Well...



Joe, the plumber.

Clive, the TV repairman.

And after tonight's
dinner, Otto the butcher.

Let's say, we move
the centerpiece

over here?

I think you've gone bananas.

Excuse me...

'Bananas.'

Mrs. Naugatuck, you
don't know Walter.

He is going to be so
nervous about everything

going just right tonight

that he won't be
able to rest or relax

until he finds something wrong.

This way he'll come in

and complain about
the centerpiece,

pick it up, put it back in
the center where it belongs,

and then he'll relax for
the rest of the evening.

Oh, ma'am, you should've
been a psychiatrist.

Do you know, I almost was?

Till I found out, they don't
let you laugh at your patients.

Maude.

Is everything ready?

They'll be here in 20 minutes.

Sweetheart, relax.
Everything's ready.

No, something's wrong.
Something's wrong.

The centerpiece.

There.

Yes, that's much better.

You know, Walter, the
way you arrange flowers,

if I were Japanese,

I'd kick you right
in the centerpiece.

Tonight's gonna
be a total disaster.

I can feel it. A total disaster.

Sweetheart, relax.

Randolph Cutler is
going to take one look

at how you positioned
that centerpiece,

and he'll buy your
store just like that.

Just like that.

What do you know?

Yeah, just like that.

Speaking of bananas...

Oh, ma'am, what about the wine?

Oh, yes! Now, let's see...

with the fowl we should
have a nice white Burgundy,

something elegant,
yet understated,

bold in its implications,

yet amusing in the glass.

I guess that lets
out the daygo reds.

Mrs. Naugatuck, we do not use
expressions like that in this house.

The word 'daygo'
is slur to Italians.

Very well, ma'am,

but at dinner tonight,

what would you like me
to call the Guinea hens?

Ooh, your good china
and your good silver.

You're really going
all out this evening.

Oh, I know, Carol.

This is Walter's big chance
to realize his lifelong ambition

to get out of the rat race,

enjoy economic security,

never to worry again.

Maude? Maude?

Where's my maroon tie?
I can't find my maroon tie!

- I sent it to the cleaners.
- The cleaners!

That was my good
luck maroon tie.

What am I gonna do without
my good luck maroon tie?

Relax honey, we're
having beets for dinner...

just let some of the juice
dribble down your shirt.

No!

The whole evening's
gonna be a disaster.

Well, mother...

I can understand
why Walter is nervous.

I mean, after all,

tonight one man will decide
the rest of his life for him.

Whether he'll have
economic security or not,

whether he'll be
able to retire or not,

whether he'll be
on easy street or...

Stop, you sound like the
coming attractions for Beacon Hill.

Well, before I leave, I'll see if
Mrs. Naugatuck needs any help.

♪ Money makes the
world go around ♪

♪ The world go around ♪

♪ The world go around ♪

Maude, how do I look?

You look wonderful, darling!

I see, you found
another good luck tie.

No, I don't need
a good luck tie.

I'm wearing my good luck shorts.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Of course, it is.

Oh, listen, before
they get here,

what is Mrs.
Cutler's first name?

- Eloise.
- Eloise.

Uh, but as it turns out,

his wife is not with
him on this trip.

So, she won't be here.

But, honey, when you
called this afternoon

you said there'd be four of us.

Uh, well, he sort of has a date.

Uh, you see, at the
store this afternoon,

uh, Mr. Cutler saw one of my
employees in the stockroom

and, uh, thought she was
very stacked... uh, nice,

and asked me to fix 'em up...

I mean, to invite her to
sort of round off the party.

I am sorry. Who, sweetheart?

Walter, who?

- Audrey.
- Au... Audrey!

Did you say Audrey?

"Todrey" Audrey?

Now, wait a minute Maude...

So, Mr. Cutler thought
she was very nice.

What did he do, check her out
with the boys in the warehouse?

Maude, Audrey
is a very sweet girl.

Come on now, Walter.

I remember perfectly well
last years' Christmas party

in this very house.

Any time any one of the men
announced he was leaving,

Audrey ran upstairs,
jumped on our bed,

and hid under his coat.

You know, Maude, I don't know
why you're getting so excited.

This is all perfectly innocent.

It's just a case
of boy meets girl.

Boy?

Randolph Cutler is 56 years old.

55.

All right, boy.

But don't you
forget that that boy

has a wife, six children,
and nine grandchildren.

So, there you are.
It'll take him all evening

just to show her his snapshots.

Walter, was it necessary
to procure him a girl,

in order to complete the sale?

Come on, Maude. Listen, I
couldn't take any chances.

You know, it was a toss-up
whether he'll buy my property

or the corner at Main and Elm.

Well, look, Walter,

if you have to exploit Audrey
in order to make this deal,

you should just
forget the whole thing.

Maude, what could I do?

I mean, when Mr. Cutler
was in the store,

he went into the stockroom
and he saw Audrey

- who was looking for...
- Don't tell me.

A bun warmer.

Walter, Randolph
Cutler is a married man.

What's being married
got to do with it?

Well, at least you could've
let him get his own girl.

Maude.

He can't get his own
girl. He's a married man.

Look, Walter, I want
you to call Audrey

and tell her, I do
not want her to come.

Oh, now look, Maude, sweetheart,

I don't think you realize how
much this deal means to me.

Look, with all my life insurance

I'm only rich if I'm dead.

Alive, I'm nothing.

Walter, why are you
speaking of dying?

You're only 52. What
are you worried about?

Let's face it, Maude, at my age,

sickness is just
around the corner.

If I don't sell the business,
I can't afford to get sick.

It's either die or nothing.

Walter, look at the dark side.

What if you don't die
and you don't get sick?

That's just the
chance I'll have to take.

Now, Maude.

I've been thinking
about my uncle Eddie.

He struggled for years
to build a little business

and then one day... zap!

A gastric ulcer.

And after tests and
operations and hospitals bills

he was penniless and
he never worked again.

Walter, what are
you talking about?

Your uncle Eddie owns
a condominium in Florida

and he goes to
Europe every year.

Only because he was lucky enough

to get a bad doctor who
botched the operation.

He won a big malpractice suit.

I might not get that lucky.

Now look, Walter.

What you are doing with
Audrey and Cutler is pandering.

Now, it's wrong and you know it.

Maude, don't be so naive.

This kind of thing is done
every day in business.

That's not the
business you are in.

Maude, will you open your eyes?

All the big corporations

are doing exactly
the same thing.

When the oil companies
entertain one of those Arab sheikhs,

What do you think they do?

Take 'em down to an Esto station
and watch the sign turn around?

Look, Walter, just
because everybody does it

does not make it right.

Maude, there's something
that you don't understand.

I mean, something that
you are totally unaware of.

Something that has never
even crossed your mind.

It's a jungle out there, Maude.

Will you try to understand?

I'm doing this for you.

If something should happen to
me I want you to be taken care of.

Okay, Walter. Okay,
you have Audrey over.

You do whatever
you want, but I hate it.

And because of this, Walter,

I hope you stay as
healthy as a horse

for the rest of your life!

Hello! Yes, this is she.

Oh.

Ah, well, no, no.

No, that's quite all right.

No, of course I understand.

Yes, I'll tell him. Yes.

Oh...

that was Audrey.

She can't make it. She
suddenly remembered,

she has a date with the
Volunteer Fire Department.

Oh! Well, Walter,

as we used to say at
Springfield Elementary School,

Naaa Na Na Na Naaa
waaa wa wa wa waaa!

- What's going on?
- Ha-Ha-Ha-Ho!

Walter got stood up.

Now, he is terrified of
the prospect of having

to close this deal ethically.

Oh, Maude, what am I gonna do?

Mr. Cutler expects
to have dinner

with an attractive young girl!

I knew this evening
would be disaster!

My lucky tie is at the cleaners,

and my shorts aren't working!

Your shorts are working, Walter.

- Huh?
- I'm here.

If it's that important to
you, I'll stay for dinner.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not letting Walter throw
my daughter at that wolf.

Now, mother...

if this is the most important
thing in the world to Walter,

it's important to me, too.

And don't worry. I can
take care of Mr. Cutler.

I'll just bat my eyes at
him and laugh at his jokes,

and after dessert we'll
send him home happy.

Sure, Maude. What can happen?

I mean after all,

Carol is not Audrey.

Well, that's true.
Carol is not Audrey.

Are you, dear?

There he is.

Mr. Cutler! How nice to see you!

Hello, Walter!

- And it's Randolph.
- Randolph.

Mr. Cutler, I am Maude Findlay.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

The pleasure is all mine.
And please call me Randolph.

Randolph.

Well, who's this?

Oh, Randolph, uh, unfortunately,

Audrey wasn't able
to make it this evening.

So, this is your
new dinner partner,

our daughter Carol.

Hello, Randolph.

Please, call me Randy.

Look at that...

Oh, you're a riot, Randolph.

Maude, isn't he a riot?

Uh, anyway, uh,

he was so nervous

that he forgot to
unbuckle his seat belt.

Later, he walked into the office

with his Volkswagen
strapped around his waist.

Oh, Randy, that's so funny!

Aww.

- Ow.
- Well, what's the matter?

Oh, I'm weak from
laughing so much.

Well, we can't have that.

Hey, have you heard
about that new method

of getting instant energy?

Instant energy?

It's called acupressure.

Carol, uh, I think I better
show you. Come here.

See, first, you put one thumb
against this shoulder blade

and then you put the other thumb

against the other
shoulder blade.

Well, if that's it,
it isn't working.

Thumbs against shoulder
blades don't do much for me.

No, no. It's shoulder
blades against thumbs.

I'm the one getting the energy.

Maude!

Maude, Randy is
demonstrating a new technique

for transferring energy.

Actually, it's a very
ancient Chinese method

of using the thumbs
as instruments of health.

It's called 'acupressure.'

Oh, yes, I know.

We used to call
it 'acu-cop-a-feel.'

Uh, why don't we all
move in to the living room?

Good idea. Come on, Carol.

There's something
I'd like to ask you.

Maude, will you stop! You're
gonna louse up this deal.

All right, all right, Walter.
I won't say another word.

Not a peep out of me. I
will be completely silent.

- Carol, do you ever hustle?
- Hold it!

Hold it right there!

What did you say?

Maude, in my hotel there's
this terrific little discotheque

called the 'Gardens of Guido'.

I thought that Carol and I could
go down there for a nightcap

- and a quick hustle.
- It's a dance, mother.

♪ Tu-tu-tu-tu, tu-tu-tu, tu-tu ♪

♪ tu-tu-tu-tu,
tu-tu-tu, tu-tu... ♪

Is that what the Hustle is?

I thought that...

This is even worse! Stop!

- Why?
- You'll hurt yourself.

You remember your operation.

Randy, I'm sure she'd
love to go with you,

but it's much too soon
after her appendectomy.

That was three years ago!

These young people
today always rushing things.

Carol, help me in the
kitchen with the coffee.

No-no-no, Carol. You stay here.

I'll help with the coffee.

Maude, you know me.
Mother's little helper.

Oh, uh, Randy, I
understand that, uh,

you and your wife
and your six children

and your nine grandchildren
all belong to the same church?

Why don't you
tell Carol about it?

Maude!

Mrs. Naugatuck, would you
please put on some coffee?

Maude, will you just relax?

You're gonna blow
this whole deal.

This is the shabbiest trick
I have ever seen you pull!

And that includes fixing
Vivian up with Arthur.

Maude, just lower your voice.

I don't want Mr. Cutler
to know we're...

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Arguing!

Using my daughter
in this way, Walter,

you are immoral and...
and unethical and...

disgusting!

Just a minute, Maude. You're
making a big deal out of something

that is completely...

innocent!

I mean, Carol is gonna go out
dancing and have a couple of drinks

- and that's all.
- A couple of drinks?

She's already had
two drinks. Next thing...

she'll be on her way
to his hotel room!

How can you say that?

How do you know where
she'll be after a couple of drinks?

Because Walter...

I have been there many times.

- Excuse me, ma'am.
- What is it?

Well, I was wondering
if it'd be all right if...

if I don't serve the coffee.

I feel it my duty
as a British subject

to turn on my television
every night at this time

and boo the
bicentennial minutes.

All right. Go ahead, go ahead.

And on your way
past Cutler and Carol,

throw a bucket of
cold water on them.

Listen, Maude. I won't
be called 'shabby.'

This is not shabby.
This is just business!

I've been in appliances
for 25 years and I...

I stand on my record.

Maybe I've bent
the rules a few times,

but I have never
broken them. Never!

I know, Walter. I know.

And whenever my friends
talk about their husbands,

I can't tell you
what pride I have

in being able to say
without qualification

that my Walter has never
been totally unethical.

Oh, oh, oh, Randy, Randy,
I'm so sorry to interrupt,

but you must hear this new
album Walter just bought.

Uh, Charlton Heston and
The Ten Commandments.

That's the one that
has that hit single

"Thou shall not
commit adultery."

Mother, isn't the
coffee ready yet?

Oh, no. Not yet, dear.

Carol, why don't we just
skip the coffee and move on?

Oh, no-no-no. It'll
just be a moment.

Carol, why don't
you give me a hand?

Oh, no-no-no. Let me help!

Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no-no.

Why don't you...

you stay and hustle with Randy?

You can take turns leading.

Unless you know the bunny
hop you better get another partner.

Before you go to the
Gardens of Guido, Carol,

I just want to be sure that you
understand perfectly clearly,

that Randolph Cutler
is a married man,

that all he's interested
in is a playmate

for a one-night stand.

Now, I certainly respect
any decision you make,

but I just wanted you
to have that information.

- Now, it's entirely up to you.
- Okay.

- I'm going.
- Over my dead body!

Mother, what is wrong with
you? Don't you trust me?

Is that any kind of question
for a 29-year-old girl

to ask her mother?

Of course I don't trust you.

Besides, he is a married man.

What does that got
to do with anything?

I'm not running off
to Acapulco with him.

It worked. It worked!

He's buying the store.
He's buying the property!

Oh, Carol, you were sensational!

Walter, that's wonderful!
That's what you wanted!

I owe so much of it to
you. You were terrific!

Carol, now when you
go out dancing with him,

if he should come on,
well, just get out of it nicely

and come on home
and we will all celebrate.

Don't worry, Walter. I
can take care of myself.

If this isn't the most immoral
thing I have ever seen!

Maude!

This is just good
business manners,

being nice to a customer.

Am I crazy? Am I crazy, Walter?

I mean, tell me if I'm crazy,
because I have a pill for that.

No, you're not crazy,
Maude, just wrong!

- Have you got a pill for that?
- I other words, Walter,

this is just a routine
business procedure.

- That's right.
- Right.

I mean, the fact
that he is married,

the fact that you are sending
your own stepdaughter

out to entertain him,

it's-it's-it's nothing,
but business.

It doesn't mean a thing, hmm?

Right.

Well, in that case, Walter,

why don't you really
treat the customer right?

Give him something that
is really important to you.

See, that way, he'll know
for sure, you are on his side.

- Give him what?
- Me.

Maude!

♪ Tu-tu-tu, tu-tu-tu-tu, tu-tu ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da ♪

You see my daughter hustle?

Come on, fella, let
you and I go dancing.

Well, you're buying
Friendly Findlay's and...

I'm one of his
friendlier appliances.

Excuse me, thank you for dinner,

but I think I better just
get on back to my hotel.

Now, are you happy?

Oh, Randolph, look, I
don't want you to think...

Oh, don't worry about
it. The deal is set.

I'm buying your property.

- That's great.
- You see, Walter.

You didn't have to
throw girls at Randy

- to ensure the sale.
- Maude...

Hey, Maude, don't be too
hard on poor old Walter here.

You can't blame
him for what he did.

Randy, you know, you really...

I mean, really are
one hell of a guy.

Think nothing of it, old buddy.

Maude, you've got to realize

that Walter is
selling his property,

because he wants
security for his family.

A little nest egg.

Nobody can blame him for that.

So he sees that I like
a gal down at the store,

you know, a one-night stand,

He figures that it'll move
the scales over a little bit

in his favor.

And if there's no skin
off old Audrey's nose.

So, when Audrey didn't
show up here tonight,

he threw your daughter at me.

Maude, you can't
blame him for that.

That's business.

That's life. Right,
Walter, old buddy?

Oh, My!

That's what I actually did.

Those were all the things
that I've been saying.

Only, they didn't sound
half as ugly coming from me.

What are you talking about?

I think, you'd better leave.

What?

I think you better get out.

Out, out, out!

I don't need your damn money.

I'll take my chances
at a botched operation

and a malpractice suit.

You're crazy.

You're all crazy.

Eh, Mr. Cutler.

Uh...

what my husband is
trying to tell you, Mr. Cutler,

is that his morals
and his principles

are too important
to be just written off

for the sake of a
good business deal.

It's called integrity.

Oh, you dreamers,

you poor sweet dreamers.

You know, Maude,
there's something

you don't understand
about business.

There's something
you're ignoring completely.

- It is a jungle out...
- It is a jungle out there.

Good luck.

Maude, I think I
owe you an apology.

- Oh, come on.
- Carol, I owe you an apology.

- Oh, Walter, that's all right.
- Oh, that's true.

I owe myself an apology.

- Maude, I apologize.
- Oh, come on now.

Carol, I apologize.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

- Walter...
- All right!

Sweetheart,

sweetheart, it's all over.

There's no need to apologize.

What am I gonna do, Maude?

Look, last night I made
this list of the illnesses

that I could afford to have
if this deal went through.

And now, I won't be
able to enjoy any of 'em.

Honey, you know, I
know a very old trick,

that is guaranteed

to ward off diseases
and worries.

It's even older
than acupressure.

Give me the list.

Okay, now, blow on it.

No, go ahead.

That's right.

Wait a minute! Now what?

Now, you come upstairs
and try to get this list back.

♪ Naaa Na Na Na Naaa ♪

Maude was taped in Hollywood

before a live audience.