Maude (1972–1978): Season 4, Episode 11 - Arthur Gets a Partner - full transcript

Vivian returns from a retreat where she lost some weight and learned to find the peace and beauty in everything. Feeling revitalized and eager to spend time with Arthur, Vivian finds it difficult to maintain her new attitude since Arthur can think of nothing but the impending loss of his $18,000 investment in a company that makes flashlight slippers.

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪



You wanna get that, Maude?

No.

Come on, Maude.

You want an equal
rights household?

I'm giving you the equal
right to answer the door.

Maude,

would you hit a
man with glasses?

Of course, I wouldn't
hit a man with glasses.

I'd use a magazine.

Howdy, ma'am.

Pete Rogers, your
friendly paint-a-curb man.

I just painted your address
on the curb out front.

Oh, did somebody here
ask you to paint the address

- on the curb?
- Uh, no, ma'am.



We did it without askin'.

See, we just do it
as kind of a service.

Oh, well, thank you very
much, that's very kind of you.

Oh, ma'am!

Ma'am, see, we kinda depend
on donations from good neighbors

like yourself to
stay in business.

Good neighbors usually give $20.

Oh, well, to show you
what a good neighbor I am,

I'm going to do even better.

Now, that's very
generous of you, ma'am.

Yes, first chance I
get, I'm coming over,

and paint your
address on your curb.

Maude, that's pretty
poor public relations.

Now, Lord knows what
he'll paint on the curb.

Give the poor guy
a couple of bucks.

I cannot stand being pressured.

Get lost!

Sorry, Arthur. I didn't
realize it was you.

Walter, I've got to
talk to you. It's urgent.

I've got a lot of
things on my mind.

Uh, Maude, could I have
a few words with Walter?

Of course, be my guest.

No, alone.

I need to talk to Walter alone.

Oh, come on,
Arthur, don't be silly.

Maude and I share everything.

If you have anything
to say to me,

you can say it in front
of Maude, anything!

But, Walter, this is important.

I'm sorry, Maude.
This is important.

Maude, please, this is man talk.

Oh, all right.

Now, Walter, this
really looks serious.

I'll bet he lost his
Swiss army knife.

Okay, Arthur, what is it?

Walter, you remember
that marvelous investment

they let me in for $18,000?

- Yeah.
- Well,

Sydney Faraday, the promoter,

just called me from Boston
and he says we've got problems.

18,000 of my
hard-earned dollars,

and he's got problems.

Well, what kind of problems?
Financial problems?

I don't know. But right in the
middle of the conversation,

the operator asked him for
another quarter and he hung up.

He hung up? And you
gave that man $18,000?

Yeah, but not in quarters.

See, I don't understand it.

Faraday said that they
were selling franchise,

and that I'd have most of
my investments back by now.

I need that money to pay
my malpractice insurance.

That's important.

It certainly is.

Without malpractice insurance,
I'd have to give up medicine.

Either that or be very careful.

Well, Arthur, what could it be?

Maybe Sydney found
a bug in his design.

Oh, no. Not a chance.

Faraday's Foot Light
Slippers are foolproof.

Hey!

- Hey, you're wearin' a pair.
- Right.

With these slippers, you can get up
and walk around in the middle of the night

around the house without
even turning on the light.

- Incredible.
- Yeah.

Walter, do you realize
this could be the answer

to the energy crisis?

Faraday's Foot Light
Slippers could bring the Arabs

to their knees.

- Hard to believe, isn't it?
- I find it hard to believe.

The only possible danger,

is electric shock when
you go to the bathroom.

Arthur, you'll have to
admit they are pretty silly.

Don't knock silly.

People have made
fortunes from silly.

What about the guy that
invented the hula-hoop?

And how about the guy
that invented Frisbee?

And the guy that invented
fluoridated holy water?

Fluoridated holy water?
I never heard of that.

Maybe not, but did you ever
see a nun with bad teeth?

Anyway, I sure hope you
don't blow your money.

You hope?

You hope?

Walter, if I lose that
$18,000, I am in big trouble.

Big trouble.

Arthur, you know,
you're amazing?

You're completely relaxed
when you take out a gallbladder,

but when it comes
to money, you panic.

That's because the gallbladder
is not mine, but the money is.

Boy, you're no help at all.

I came over here for some
comfort and reassurance.

Well, if you wanted
comfort and reassurance,

you should be telling all
of this to your wife, Vivian.

Vivian? Oh, well, you
know how nervous she gets.

She'd fall apart if I
told her about this.

No, I ca... and I don't want
you to mention one word of this

- to her when she gets back.
- Don't worry, Arthur.

I won't mention a word of it.

By the way, is she
still up at that fat farm?

Well, it's not just a fat
farm, it's a sort of a spa

where they walk
around meditating

and listening to Gurus
reading Hindu philosophy.

Walter, I just had to
come out of that den.

- I can't stand it in there.
- Why not?

I haven't been
able to hear a word

either one of you were saying.

Now, when is Vivian coming back,

so that I'll have
somebody to talk to?

Well, her plane got
in over an hour ago,

- she should be here any minute.
- Oh, great, great.

I'm dying to see her, unless
of course, she really got skinny.

Well, she did mention
that she lost 4 pounds.

I hope she didn't lose
'em in the wrong places.

Oh, Arthur, when
you lose 4 pounds,

there are no wrong places.

Except of course,
Cleveland and Newark.

- Oh!
- I'm home!

Oh, hello, Arthur.
Arthur, Arthur.

- Hello, hello, Maude, hello.
- Oh!

- Hello, Walter.
- Oh, Vivian. Ah!

Hello, Maude!

Oh, hello, Arthur!

Oh...

peace.

Oh, Vivian, you
look sensational!

Arthur! Oh!

Vivian, you're
not wearing a bra?

My God, she did lose
it in the wrong places.

You know, Maude, you should
go to Paradise Retreat sometime.

It's just wonderful.

They work on both
the spirit and the body.

I have come back with
fantastic peace of mind

and marvelous muscle tone,

I love you, Arthur.

Thank you, Viv,
very kind of you.

And I love you, Maude.

And I love you, Walter.

And I love you, house!

I love you, stairways.

I love you, lanterns.

I love you, chairs.

And I love you, sofa.

Mwah, mwah.

I think somebody
spiked her wheat germ.

Maude, you can
say anything you like.

Nothing upsets me anymore.

Not even those four letter words

painted on your curb outside.

Now it's... it's all right,
Walter, she reads them,

but she doesn't
know what they mean.

See, I have achieved
total tranquility

through hours of meditation.

Hours of meditation?

Well, what did you think about?

Nothing. You make your
mind a complete blank.

Don't say it, Arthur,
it's a cheap shot.

That's all right. Nothing
bothers me anymore.

Nothing.

Arthur, what are those
funny things on your feet?

Oh, these?

Faraday's Foot Lights.

They're the latest thing.

They have little bulbs in 'em,

so you can see where
you're going in the dark.

Aren't they terrific?

You see, Maude?
Nothing bothers me.

Arthur, sweetmeat,

you realize that we've
been apart for 10 days?

Uh-huh, yeah.

Well, let's go to
our very own house

and pull down the shades,

and... and you can show
me how your slippers work.

Won't that be fun?

Just what the
world is waiting for,

electric mukluks.

Go ahead, Maude,
laugh. Just remember,

- they laughed at Thomas Edison.
- I know.

And they would've
laughed even harder

if he'd put his light
bulb in his slipper.

It's all right, Vivian. I'll
get it in the other phone.

Hello! Who?

Sydney Faraday?

Yes, yes, Sydney, I
wanted to talk to you becau...

What?

Yes, operator, I'll
accept the charge.

Sydney. What?

Someone else has
applied for a patent?

Whoa!

You're darn right, we'll
take the crooks to court, sh...

What? $3,000 for a lawyer?

Well, don't... I don't
have that kind...

Sydney, will you call me later?

Something wrong, Arthur?

No! We were just disconnected.

Arthur, I have a feeling
that something's wrong.

No, it's nothing. Just a
minor business problem.

Nothing for you to worry
your pretty little head about.

You want some orange juice?

Arthur, I want to worry
my pretty little head.

They told us at the retreat,

"A crust of bread
broken with a friend

is better than a banquet alone."

- They told you that?
- They also said,

"A burden shared is
a burden lightened."

Well, didn't anybody up
there talk in regular sentences?

Oh, Arthur,

forget your troubles.

Come on.

Get happy.

I haven't got any troubles.

Arthur, I heard you saying
something about $3000.

You know, I have $5000 as my
divorce settlement from Chuck.

Vivian, I don't need any money.

And even if I did, no
husband worth his salt

would take money from his wife.

It's... it's not only
unmanly, it's...

it's impolite.

Oh, fried steak, Arthur.

I'm just sick and
tired of the way

you keep everything
such a big secret.

I don't know anything
about our finances.

I don't even know how
much money you make.

Vivian, love,

I am your husband.

It's none of your business.

Now, it is so my business,
they told us at the retreat,

we are extensions of each other.

Oh, boy.

That's hammer and
sickle talk if I ever heard it.

Oh, hells, bells
and peanut shells,

Arthur, how much
money do you make?

I have a right to know.

Vivian, nobody knows
how much money I make.

I'm a doctor.

I am your partner in life!

No, you're not!

You're my wife.

Oh! Oh! Arthur, I
want to help you.

I want to help you
share your problems.

No! N-O!

I...

Vivian, stop that!

Hello.

Oh, Sydney? No.

No, I said I haven't got the
do-ho, I mean the money.

Vivian, will you stop it?

What? No, of course

I don't wanna lose
my entire investments.

All right!

All right, I'll try to
raise it somewhere.

Vivian, stop it.

Stop it!

I said, stop it!

Now, look what you did!

You made me short
circuit my slippers!

Sharlacks Hardware?

Yes, I was wondering,

do you have anything
to take paint off a curb?

How much will I need?

Just enough to remove the words

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Hello...

Walter, I'm afraid
you're gonna have to take

the car out of the garage,

and park it in
front of the house.

Walter, listen.
Things are going...

Arthur, don't you ever knock?
Or were you born in a barn?

Well, actually, I
was born in a garage.

It was 4 o'clock in the morning.

And as my mother
got in the front seat,

the pains were coming
three minutes apart.

Who cares, Arthur? Who cares?

Walter, things are
going from bad to worse.

I am facing the worse
crisis in my entire life.

Oh, relax, Arthur.

Once the weather gets cold,

Viv will start
wearing bras again.

No, it's not that.
It's... it's... it's...

Maude, would you
please leave the room?

No! I left last time,
it's Walter's turn.

Come on, Arthur, you can
talk in front of both of us.

Walter, I'm desperate.

Somebody's trying to steal
the patent on our slippers.

I gotta have $3000 for a lawyer,
or I'm gonna lose everything.

You gotta help me,
Walter. You gotta help me!

Okay, Arthur, be calm, be calm.
Everything is gonna be okay.

Maude.

- $3000 do you think...
- Of course.

Write him a check and I'll
go to the bank in the morning

- and cover it.
- Oh, thank you.

You saved my life.
You saved my life.

Yeah, but please,
Arthur, let's not spoil it.

- Sorry, Maudie.
- I mean, after all,

you and Vivian are
our very closest friends,

- and if you need the money...
- Uh, uh, Maude.

Vivian doesn't know
anything about this.

And I don't want
her to find out.

Arthur, you mean, you
would borrow $3000 from us

and not tell Vivian?
That is terrible!

No, it isn't. It's business.

She wouldn't understand.

What do you mean, "she
wouldn't understand"?

Maude, you're an
intelligent woman.

Let me explain it to you in
a logical and scientific way.

- All right.
- Now,

men and women are different.

Did you find this out

before or after you
became a doctor?

They each have to fulfill the
role assigned to them by nature.

Now, it's a 50-50
division of responsibility.

Woman takes care of the home

and man takes care
of the rest of the world.

Arthur, that is
the most ignorant,

simplistic, insensitive

piece of drivel I
have ever heard!

I don't think she bought it.

Even you should know, Maude.

Since time began,

men have always been
in charge of the big deals.

Women, just don't have
that caliber of intelligence.

Arthur, I have
three words for you.

And two of them
are out on the curb.

Well, that does it!

Here you go, ol' buddy.

I don't have to take this.

I don't have to
take this at all!

You realize of course

that this terminates
our friendship.

Arthur, don't try to bribe me.

Vivian!

Vivian?

Vivian?

You know, Arthur,

you really should
try this sometime.

It gives you eternal
peace of mind.

It puts you in harmony with
the forces of the universe.

Well, right now I got bigger things
on my mind than the universe.

Arthur!

Nothing is more
important than harmony.

A soul in tune is
a soul at peace.

Vivian, will you please shut up?

Sharp words are like a
two-edged sword, they...

Vivian, please!

Now, listen.

A little while ago, you offered
me some money. I've reconsidered.

I'm gonna permit
you to lend it to me.

Oh, Arthur, that's wonderful!

Oh, Arthur, that makes me
feel so much closer to you.

It is wiser to assist
your help mate

out of love than out of need.

Good, then I can have the money?

Of course. What's it for?

Vivian, I have no
time for trick questions.

It's, uh, business.

You see, you're a woman.
You wouldn't understand.

So, just give me the
money and please,

no more of those
oriental quotations.

Just this one.

No tickee, no washee.

Now, look here, Vivian.

Arthur, I just want
to share your life.

I want an equal voice.

Damn it, woman.

You have an equal voice.

In the kitchen, you're boss.

In the living room, I'm boss.

In the bedroom, it's
catch-as-catch-can.

Now, what's... what's
wrong with that arrangement?

It licks wallpaper.

Arthur, I just want
you to accept me

as your full economic partner.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I'm a doctor,
you're a housewife.

Yes, and the work I do
gives you the freedom

to do the work you do.

Now, what I do
accounts for something.

Arthur, they told us
at Paradise Retreat

that if wives got paid
for their housework,

why, it would come
to $300 a week.

Well, what about
what I do around here?

What about when I
take out the garbage?

That's worth something.

All right, $5.

For a doctor?

A prominent surgeon
taking out the garbage

ought to be worth at least...

8.

Well, if you wanna put
a price on everything,

what if I charge you for...

Vivian.

No wife charges
her husband for that.

Oh, well, forget it.

Over the course of a year it
wouldn't come to much anyway.

I never dreamed I would hear
such fiddle-faddle from my wife.

If I got a phone call
telling me I was bankrupt,

I would not accept
your money now.

Hello!

Oh, Sydney, say,
fella, uh, I'm gonna need

a little more time
to raise that money.

I... What?

What you mean, in
that case I'd lose it all?

What?

Oh, no!

No!

You crook!

You thief!

You... don't you hang up!

Arthur, wh... what is it?

I don't wanna discuss it.

It's not important.

It's trivial.

Aaargh!

Arthur... Arthur.

Vivian, if you love me,

teach me the chant you use
to get eternal peace of mind.

Maybe it'll get me
through the day.

That phone call just now...
You... you just lost some money,

- didn't you?
- You would withhold from me,

your husband, the secret
to eternal peace of mind?

No, no, of course
not. Here, kneel down.

Here, put your hands
together. Now listen, say,

Oh, Arthur, please
tell me, what happened.

I invested some money.

Yes.

In a new invention.

Uh-huh.

Those electric bedroom slippers.

Ewe.

And?

I found out just now those
slippers were patented in 1922.

Coincidentally, by the
same man that invented

fluoridated holy water.

I've lost all my investment.

Every cent.

Oh, Arthur,
everything'll be all right.

It means we'll have
to scrimp and save

to come up with the money
for my malpractice insurance.

We'll have to give up
stuffed artichokes, Vivian.

Never mind, we'll save
on the household money.

We'll use Hamburger Helper.

And we won't go
out to the movies,

we'll stay home and
play Crazy Eights.

You know you love that.

Oh, we can do it!

You really think so?

Well, together
we can, of course.

Vivian, this
gimmick really works.

The chanting?

No. Telling you my problems.

I... I've got suddenly
a sense of relief, huh.

I've been carrying around
this thing for so long.

Arthur, sharing your problems

is what I'm all about as
your wife and your partner.

And you sharing my problems
is what you're all about

as my husband and partner.

Well, you could have fooled me.

It's amazing how
understanding you are, Vivian.

Oh, Arthur, you are sweet.

Oh, Vivian.

Arthur, Viv, are you down there?

Down here.

Oh, Arthur.

Arthur, we want you
to have this check.

Maude, maybe we should
talk to Arthur in private.

No, not at all. You can say
anything you want in front of Vivian.

Oh, well, we just feel so darn
guilty about what happened,

and we want you
to have this check,

you know, for your legal fees.

Oh, I don't need it anymore.

Arthur has already
lost his investment.

Oh, Arthur.

Oh, I'm sorry. You
must feel just awful.

- No, not at all.
- It's only money.

Well, Arthur, I really envy you.

I mean, if I had all this
money just go up in smoke,

I'd be... I'd be devastated.

Boy, Maude, $18,000
right down the drain.

$18,000?

Yeah. $18,000.

$18,000?

- Do you hear what I hear?
- Yeah.

Sounds like someone chanting.

Gai pan.

Maude, I didn't know
you'd taken up chanting.

Chan... chanting?
Who's chanting?

I'm ordering Chinese food.

The waiter is very
hard of hearing.

Moo goo gai pan.

Moo goo gai pan!

Moo goo...

Maude was taped in Hollywood

before a live audience.