Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 9 - Last Tango in Tuckahoe - full transcript
Maude and Walter find a naked man in the maid's closet.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
♪ I could have
danced all night ♪
♪ I could have
danced all night ♪
♪ And still have
begged for more ♪
Mrs. Naugatuck, who
made this lousy coffee?
I did.
That's why we British
always drink tea.
Enjoy your day off.
Thank you!
Ta-ta.
Walter, what's wrong
with Mother this morning?
Maybe she had a cup of coffee.
Every time I try to talk to her,
she just stares at me
and shakes her head, no.
Don't take it personally, Carol.
She did the same
thing to me all last night.
Where are you going so early?
I'm driving up to Albany to
pick up Phillip, remember?
It's his last day
with his father.
Oh, yeah.
Hello and good-bye, mother.
I don't talk to strangers.
Mother?
You're a stranger, Carol,
a complete stranger.
Only a complete stranger
could do to her mother
what you've just done to me.
Mother, for the last
time, what's wrong?
Keep your voice down, stranger.
You want Walter to find out?
- I don't even know what...
- Shh.
Your secret is safe with me.
It is buried deep,
deep inside me,
never to be brought
up as long as I live.
What was that man doing
in your room last night?
- What?
- Don't tell me,
I don't want to know.
A man in my room?
I should be so lucky.
Carol, if you wanna be a tramp,
I was young once, and
can understand that.
- But to lie to your own mother!
- I'm not lying!
I distinctly heard a man's
laughter from upstairs
last night at 12:30,
at 3:00 and at 4:17.
And don't tell me it was Walter.
He does a lot of
things in the bedroom,
but laughing isn't one of them.
Not since he turned 50.
Well, all I can say is you
must've been dreaming.
I was definitely not
dreaming, Carol.
If I'm going to dream about a
man sneaking into a bedroom,
it won't be your bedroom.
Then you're hearing things.
Maybe you're getting
senile in your old age.
Thank you, darling.
I only hope I live long enough
to become a burden to you.
Mother, I don't know
what you heard last night
but there was not a
man in my bedroom.
Better luck next time, Carol.
Walter, I'm sorry. I
didn't want you to hear.
I didn't want you to know that
Carol has blackened the
reputation of our home.
Maude...
the Hell's Angels couldn't
blacken our reputation.
Mother, I'm
getting a little angry.
Number one, I didn't have
a man in my room last night.
Number two, I'm not in the habit
of doing things like that.
And three, you know me.
You love me. I'm your daughter.
You should believe me.
Oh, Carol. Carol, I believe you.
- That's better.
- Just don't let it happen again.
Mother!
All right, all right.
This is a crazy house.
I live in a crazy house.
Hello. Have you met my mother?
She's crazy.
Walter, Walter, I love Carol
and I have never
ever doubted her.
But Walter, there was a
man in her room last night.
I'm positive.
Then there's only one
thing you can do, Maude.
- What's that, darling?
- Raise her rent!
You know, darling,
there is a God.
And He is capable
of getting you.
So just in case he's passing
over Tuckahoe, don't push it.
I Knew it. I knew it.
Carol has a guilty conscience,
and she's coming
back to apologize.
Walter, fix your hair.
Darling, I forgive you.
I forgive you.
How did you know we
broke all the buttons?
A lucky guess.
- Oh!
- Eddie, isn't there
some mistake?
I don't have anything
at the cleaners.
It's for your houseguest.
The Duchess of Naugatuck.
Our Mrs. Naugatuck?
The Duchess of Naugatuck?
Yeah. Where is she?
Eddie, have you been
sniffing the spot remover again?
Don't worry. I
won't blab it around.
She told me the whole thing.
How she is the widow
of the Duke of Naugatuck,
a direct descendant
of Henry the VIII.
Well she does look a
little like Charles Laughton.
Oh, Eddie, uh, tell me,
uh, what does she owe you?
Uh, it's no charge.
It's on the house.
Eddie, no charge?
Well, she promised us
an autographed picture
to hang in the shop
of her playing Croquet
With The Queen Mother.
Well, if it means free cleaning,
I'll give you an
autographed picture of me.
Doing what?
With your prices,
you name it, I'll do it.
No!
We really have to do
something about Mrs. Naugatuck.
I mean, this running around
town telling these wild stories.
Who knows, Maude,
maybe she is royalty.
Oh, come on, Walter.
Do you know what she told
them at the delicatessen?
Her grandmother was
the illegitimate child
of Queen Victoria
and Eddie Cantor.
Then she talked them out of
a package of English muffins
and a three-foot kosher salami.
I'll hang these in
the Duchess's room.
Maybe you'd better not, Maude.
You know, how she is about
anybody going into her room.
She's an absolute
nut on privacy.
Well, today's her
day off, Walter.
She went into town to do
a little shopping and lying.
Oh, well just go in, hang
up the clothes and out!
No snooping!
Walter, have you
ever seen me snoop?
- No.
- Then follow me.
You know, Maude...
this will be the first time
I've ever been in her room.
Walter, you know, you'll
think you're in England.
She has everything
in there but Big Ben.
Of course, I haven't been
in there since yesterday.
Look at this, an
indoor flea market.
Maude.
Maude, look at this.
She was a B-girl on the Titanic.
Did she actually tell you that?
No, the shoemaker did.
"Ducks, I'll always love you ."
Who's the guy with
his arm around her?
Walter, that's
Winston Churchill.
Oh, I thought he
looked familiar.
She claims that they had
an affair in a bomb shelter
during World War II.
- No kiddin'.
- Oh, come on, Walter.
She obviously pasted his
face on somebody else's body.
Which accounts for
him being in the uniform
of the Canadian Mounted Police.
Uh, Walter, look in the closet.
- Why should I?
- Look in the closet.
There's a naked man in there.
Maybe it's Big Ben himself.
Maude, there must be a very
simple explanation for this.
Walter, I know that explanation.
Everybody's gotta be some place.
That is the man that I
heard laughing last night.
So it was Mrs. Naugatuck.
Look at the bright side, Maude,
maybe the guy from
Carol's room sneaked in here.
Will you...
Walter, do something.
Good morning.
Good morning.
I don't wish to be rude,
but what the hell are
you doing in the closet?
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Sorry about that. I overheard
you through the door.
I told you there was
a simple explanation.
Well!
You two have got a lot of cheek,
sneaking into my room like
a couple of bloody burglars.
Never mind that, Mrs. Naugatuck,
who is that man in your closet?
It's no bloomin'
business of yours.
That's who that
man is in my closet.
I'm sorry for this
intrusion, Alfie.
Just stay where you are, dear.
Walter, do something.
Madam, this is my room.
Out, both of you.
Walter.
Mrs. Naugatuck, I think
you owe us an explanation.
I said, out!
Very well, if you won't
tell us, I'll ask him.
What's it all about, Alfie?
I'll give you two trespassers
five seconds to
clear out of here!
One...
Two...
Five.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
- I said out!
- What do you think you're doing?
- Out!
- But this is my home!
It is not your home!
It is my room!
I don't believe this.
Our housekeeper has a
man in her room, he stays.
We get thrown out,
and it's our fault.
Walter, we've just been evicted
from a room in our own home.
What gripes me, is
she did it so easily.
One, two, five.
She really has a lot of nerve,
and I'm going to get
to the bottom of it.
- Mrs. Naugatuck!
- Yes?
I demand that you tell me
what that naked man
is doing in your closet!
Beats me.
When I left, I told him
to stay under the bed.
Maude, it's gotta be
an innocent relationship.
I mean, she couldn't,
not at her age.
Walter, that's what
Carol says about me.
Now, this is the last straw.
Walter, she has
gone too far this time.
Maude, why are you
making such a fuss?
You're the one who
wanted sleep-in help.
Yes, but that doesn't entitle
her to have sleep-in help.
Madam, if you don't mind,
I'd like to have
a word with you.
Well, it's about time.
Very well, Mrs. Naugatuck.
What you have to say?
I demand an apology.
You?
You're the one who
should apologize.
What for?
For you busting into my room,
making guest in my
closet feel ill at ease?
How could you let
her do a thing like that?
Mrs. Naugatuck, I
was in that room, too.
Oh, yes.
But knowing her she
was the ring leader.
Ring l...? Walter.
Well, that's pretty
hard to deny, Maude.
I'm waiting for an apology.
Well, you can wait
till hell freezes over.
That's another thing.
I wish to complain about
the heat in my room.
It seemed to be hot enough
last night, Mrs. Naugatuck.
You know your trouble?
You've got a dirty mind.
Dirty? Walter.
That's even harder
to deny, Maude.
Walter, you know
what I love about you?
- What?
- Nothing.
Watch me leave.
All right, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Let's get right to the point.
What was that man doing
in your room all night?
He wasn't in my room all night.
He didn't sneak in
until well past midnight.
Besides, it's my room.
It's sacred to me.
It's a little piece
of my beloved homeland
away from home.
- Oh, come on, Mrs. Nau...
- Ah, the Sceptred Isle.
"This precious stone
set in a silver sea.
- This blessed..."
- Please, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Please, I have not finished.
"This earth,
this realm, this England,"
William Shakespeare.
Balzac, Mrs. Naugatuck.
I was sure it was Shakespeare.
You know, you
British are all alike.
Every time you get in a jam,
you try to weasel out of it
with your cornball poetry.
Oh, you have got your
oysters in a stew, haven't you?
You keep my oysters out of this.
Now, don't you
walk away from me.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
I have every
reason to be furious.
Would you be furious
if I was to tell you,
that Alfie was my nephew,
and that he got into
town around midnight
and asked me to put him up?
No, I... I... I
guess I wouldn't.
Very well then, in that
case, Alfie is my nephew...
This is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard!
You stop evading.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna make Alfie a sandwich.
You can take it out
of me severance pay.
Sev... sever... You
are not quitting!
Well, there you are, you see.
You don't believe
anything I say.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
Among other things,
you have told me that...
That you ran a bawdy
house in Australia,
that you were once a
drag racer in Burma,
and that as a baby,
you were suckled by
a wolf in Tanganyika.
Well, you must admit,
it beats the hell out
of being a housewife.
How would you know?
All you've been
all your life is a liar.
I don't believe anything you
say at any time, about anything.
You are totally in-incapable
of telling one simple truth.
Well, I'll tell
you three truths.
One, Alfie is my nephew,
and he comes from
a lovely little town
called Chipping Campden,
and he's the world's tallest
professional Tango dancer.
The world's tallest
professional Tango dancer?
From Chipping Campden?
Freddie, come down,
dear, and bring the music.
Freddy?
You said his name was Alfie.
Yes, it is. Alfie Freddy.
Yes, it's a very
common English name.
You know something,
Mrs. Naugatuck,
you are hopeless.
You are impossible.
I'm very sorry you
don't believe me, ma'am.
But if you don't
want to believe me,
I can't force you to.
Actually, quite a lot of
people don't believe me.
But, what does that matter?
What does matter
is that I believe me.
Hello, hello, hello.
What is it love?
Oh, over there, dear.
Alfie...
this woman will not
believe your reputation
as a Tango dancer.
And I am here to prove it.
Olé!
Olé!
I wanted to be sure to
be nose-to-nose with you,
before I said this...
How do ya like them apples?
Mrs. Naugatuck, where
do you think you're going?
Upstairs to pack!
Listen, uh,
I'm sorry about my appearance
upstairs in the closet.
But uh, if I'd known we were
gonna be formally introduced,
I'd have put me skivvies on.
Oh well, thanks for
the hospitality anyway.
Any time.
Our closet is your closet.
Well, I really must be
running along to work.
My boat sails at 3:00.
Aah! I knew it. You're a sailor.
God, blimey, no.
I'm a Tango instructor
on a cruise ship.
Sounds like an interesting job.
And dangerous.
In bad weather, I've danced
overboard three times.
Uh, Mr. Freddy,
uh, one question.
Are you really her nephew?
Did she tell you I was?
Then I'm her nephew.
I don't know what to believe.
Why don't you try
believing what she believes?
May I tell you something?
She loves you people.
And she loves working here.
She hasn't got a soul left
in the world, you know that?
Only her dreams
and her illusions.
You take those
stories away from her.
She'll be left with nothing.
Oh, I know,
she may stretch the
truth a bit here and there.
But she's not hurting
anyone, now, is she?
Oh, I... I know but,
I mean, a housekeeper
to tell people
that she's the
Duchess of Naugatuck.
Oh, but she is, you know.
- She is?
- You're joking.
Not at all.
Her first husband
was the, uh, Duke.
That would make him my uncle.
Poor bleeder.
Went off on a fox hunt
once in Swindon's day,
and we never saw
the Ruddy Burke again.
Never saw the Ruddy Burke again.
That's right.
Well, I really must
be popping along.
Cheery bye.
- Well, I'll be.
- Oh.
Walter, what I did to
that lady is inexcusable.
I don't care if he's her
nephew or uncle, or babysitter,
I have to tell her I'm sorry.
Who is it?
It's me, Mrs. Naugatuck.
May I come in?
No!
I came to apologize.
You're too late!
Oh, but Mrs. Naugatuck.
You had your chance,
and you bungled it.
If you was to go down on
your hands and knees and beg,
it wouldn't be no good.
Anyone who doubts my veracity
obviously doesn't
want me around.
And if I'm not wanted, I leave.
So I'm leaving.
Mrs. Naugatuck, I
don't want you to leave.
Then I'll stay.
But on one condition...
That when I have
overnight guests,
I don't want any flack from you.
Now, is that clear?
Yes, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Because I honestly,
sincerely believe
that Alfie is your nephew.
- You do?
- I do.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
I'm not one to fib.
Never have, never will.
I must confess, uh,
I do have occasional
little lapses of memory.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Oh.
- Mrs. Findlay.
I promise,
I will never, ever
doubt your word again.
Duchess.
Oh, so you've heard
that I once married the Duke.
Oh, poor devil.
He went down with
the Titanic, you know.
Alfie said that he
was lost on a fox hunt.
Oh, he was, um.
Don't tell me. Don't tell me.
The fox hunt was
held on the titanic.
Yes.
The Duke always
traveled first class.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
Mrs. Naugatuck!
- Yes.
- What is going on here?
Nothing, ma'am. Why?
Don't tell me, I distinctly
heard Tango music.
And I know it
takes two to Tango.
I was taking lessons, Maude.
Oh, I never dreamed
I'd be married
to a closet Tango dancer.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
♪ I could have
danced all night ♪
♪ I could have
danced all night ♪
♪ And still have
begged for more ♪
Mrs. Naugatuck, who
made this lousy coffee?
I did.
That's why we British
always drink tea.
Enjoy your day off.
Thank you!
Ta-ta.
Walter, what's wrong
with Mother this morning?
Maybe she had a cup of coffee.
Every time I try to talk to her,
she just stares at me
and shakes her head, no.
Don't take it personally, Carol.
She did the same
thing to me all last night.
Where are you going so early?
I'm driving up to Albany to
pick up Phillip, remember?
It's his last day
with his father.
Oh, yeah.
Hello and good-bye, mother.
I don't talk to strangers.
Mother?
You're a stranger, Carol,
a complete stranger.
Only a complete stranger
could do to her mother
what you've just done to me.
Mother, for the last
time, what's wrong?
Keep your voice down, stranger.
You want Walter to find out?
- I don't even know what...
- Shh.
Your secret is safe with me.
It is buried deep,
deep inside me,
never to be brought
up as long as I live.
What was that man doing
in your room last night?
- What?
- Don't tell me,
I don't want to know.
A man in my room?
I should be so lucky.
Carol, if you wanna be a tramp,
I was young once, and
can understand that.
- But to lie to your own mother!
- I'm not lying!
I distinctly heard a man's
laughter from upstairs
last night at 12:30,
at 3:00 and at 4:17.
And don't tell me it was Walter.
He does a lot of
things in the bedroom,
but laughing isn't one of them.
Not since he turned 50.
Well, all I can say is you
must've been dreaming.
I was definitely not
dreaming, Carol.
If I'm going to dream about a
man sneaking into a bedroom,
it won't be your bedroom.
Then you're hearing things.
Maybe you're getting
senile in your old age.
Thank you, darling.
I only hope I live long enough
to become a burden to you.
Mother, I don't know
what you heard last night
but there was not a
man in my bedroom.
Better luck next time, Carol.
Walter, I'm sorry. I
didn't want you to hear.
I didn't want you to know that
Carol has blackened the
reputation of our home.
Maude...
the Hell's Angels couldn't
blacken our reputation.
Mother, I'm
getting a little angry.
Number one, I didn't have
a man in my room last night.
Number two, I'm not in the habit
of doing things like that.
And three, you know me.
You love me. I'm your daughter.
You should believe me.
Oh, Carol. Carol, I believe you.
- That's better.
- Just don't let it happen again.
Mother!
All right, all right.
This is a crazy house.
I live in a crazy house.
Hello. Have you met my mother?
She's crazy.
Walter, Walter, I love Carol
and I have never
ever doubted her.
But Walter, there was a
man in her room last night.
I'm positive.
Then there's only one
thing you can do, Maude.
- What's that, darling?
- Raise her rent!
You know, darling,
there is a God.
And He is capable
of getting you.
So just in case he's passing
over Tuckahoe, don't push it.
I Knew it. I knew it.
Carol has a guilty conscience,
and she's coming
back to apologize.
Walter, fix your hair.
Darling, I forgive you.
I forgive you.
How did you know we
broke all the buttons?
A lucky guess.
- Oh!
- Eddie, isn't there
some mistake?
I don't have anything
at the cleaners.
It's for your houseguest.
The Duchess of Naugatuck.
Our Mrs. Naugatuck?
The Duchess of Naugatuck?
Yeah. Where is she?
Eddie, have you been
sniffing the spot remover again?
Don't worry. I
won't blab it around.
She told me the whole thing.
How she is the widow
of the Duke of Naugatuck,
a direct descendant
of Henry the VIII.
Well she does look a
little like Charles Laughton.
Oh, Eddie, uh, tell me,
uh, what does she owe you?
Uh, it's no charge.
It's on the house.
Eddie, no charge?
Well, she promised us
an autographed picture
to hang in the shop
of her playing Croquet
With The Queen Mother.
Well, if it means free cleaning,
I'll give you an
autographed picture of me.
Doing what?
With your prices,
you name it, I'll do it.
No!
We really have to do
something about Mrs. Naugatuck.
I mean, this running around
town telling these wild stories.
Who knows, Maude,
maybe she is royalty.
Oh, come on, Walter.
Do you know what she told
them at the delicatessen?
Her grandmother was
the illegitimate child
of Queen Victoria
and Eddie Cantor.
Then she talked them out of
a package of English muffins
and a three-foot kosher salami.
I'll hang these in
the Duchess's room.
Maybe you'd better not, Maude.
You know, how she is about
anybody going into her room.
She's an absolute
nut on privacy.
Well, today's her
day off, Walter.
She went into town to do
a little shopping and lying.
Oh, well just go in, hang
up the clothes and out!
No snooping!
Walter, have you
ever seen me snoop?
- No.
- Then follow me.
You know, Maude...
this will be the first time
I've ever been in her room.
Walter, you know, you'll
think you're in England.
She has everything
in there but Big Ben.
Of course, I haven't been
in there since yesterday.
Look at this, an
indoor flea market.
Maude.
Maude, look at this.
She was a B-girl on the Titanic.
Did she actually tell you that?
No, the shoemaker did.
"Ducks, I'll always love you ."
Who's the guy with
his arm around her?
Walter, that's
Winston Churchill.
Oh, I thought he
looked familiar.
She claims that they had
an affair in a bomb shelter
during World War II.
- No kiddin'.
- Oh, come on, Walter.
She obviously pasted his
face on somebody else's body.
Which accounts for
him being in the uniform
of the Canadian Mounted Police.
Uh, Walter, look in the closet.
- Why should I?
- Look in the closet.
There's a naked man in there.
Maybe it's Big Ben himself.
Maude, there must be a very
simple explanation for this.
Walter, I know that explanation.
Everybody's gotta be some place.
That is the man that I
heard laughing last night.
So it was Mrs. Naugatuck.
Look at the bright side, Maude,
maybe the guy from
Carol's room sneaked in here.
Will you...
Walter, do something.
Good morning.
Good morning.
I don't wish to be rude,
but what the hell are
you doing in the closet?
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Sorry about that. I overheard
you through the door.
I told you there was
a simple explanation.
Well!
You two have got a lot of cheek,
sneaking into my room like
a couple of bloody burglars.
Never mind that, Mrs. Naugatuck,
who is that man in your closet?
It's no bloomin'
business of yours.
That's who that
man is in my closet.
I'm sorry for this
intrusion, Alfie.
Just stay where you are, dear.
Walter, do something.
Madam, this is my room.
Out, both of you.
Walter.
Mrs. Naugatuck, I think
you owe us an explanation.
I said, out!
Very well, if you won't
tell us, I'll ask him.
What's it all about, Alfie?
I'll give you two trespassers
five seconds to
clear out of here!
One...
Two...
Five.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
- I said out!
- What do you think you're doing?
- Out!
- But this is my home!
It is not your home!
It is my room!
I don't believe this.
Our housekeeper has a
man in her room, he stays.
We get thrown out,
and it's our fault.
Walter, we've just been evicted
from a room in our own home.
What gripes me, is
she did it so easily.
One, two, five.
She really has a lot of nerve,
and I'm going to get
to the bottom of it.
- Mrs. Naugatuck!
- Yes?
I demand that you tell me
what that naked man
is doing in your closet!
Beats me.
When I left, I told him
to stay under the bed.
Maude, it's gotta be
an innocent relationship.
I mean, she couldn't,
not at her age.
Walter, that's what
Carol says about me.
Now, this is the last straw.
Walter, she has
gone too far this time.
Maude, why are you
making such a fuss?
You're the one who
wanted sleep-in help.
Yes, but that doesn't entitle
her to have sleep-in help.
Madam, if you don't mind,
I'd like to have
a word with you.
Well, it's about time.
Very well, Mrs. Naugatuck.
What you have to say?
I demand an apology.
You?
You're the one who
should apologize.
What for?
For you busting into my room,
making guest in my
closet feel ill at ease?
How could you let
her do a thing like that?
Mrs. Naugatuck, I
was in that room, too.
Oh, yes.
But knowing her she
was the ring leader.
Ring l...? Walter.
Well, that's pretty
hard to deny, Maude.
I'm waiting for an apology.
Well, you can wait
till hell freezes over.
That's another thing.
I wish to complain about
the heat in my room.
It seemed to be hot enough
last night, Mrs. Naugatuck.
You know your trouble?
You've got a dirty mind.
Dirty? Walter.
That's even harder
to deny, Maude.
Walter, you know
what I love about you?
- What?
- Nothing.
Watch me leave.
All right, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Let's get right to the point.
What was that man doing
in your room all night?
He wasn't in my room all night.
He didn't sneak in
until well past midnight.
Besides, it's my room.
It's sacred to me.
It's a little piece
of my beloved homeland
away from home.
- Oh, come on, Mrs. Nau...
- Ah, the Sceptred Isle.
"This precious stone
set in a silver sea.
- This blessed..."
- Please, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Please, I have not finished.
"This earth,
this realm, this England,"
William Shakespeare.
Balzac, Mrs. Naugatuck.
I was sure it was Shakespeare.
You know, you
British are all alike.
Every time you get in a jam,
you try to weasel out of it
with your cornball poetry.
Oh, you have got your
oysters in a stew, haven't you?
You keep my oysters out of this.
Now, don't you
walk away from me.
Mrs. Naugatuck,
I have every
reason to be furious.
Would you be furious
if I was to tell you,
that Alfie was my nephew,
and that he got into
town around midnight
and asked me to put him up?
No, I... I... I
guess I wouldn't.
Very well then, in that
case, Alfie is my nephew...
This is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard!
You stop evading.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna make Alfie a sandwich.
You can take it out
of me severance pay.
Sev... sever... You
are not quitting!
Well, there you are, you see.
You don't believe
anything I say.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
Among other things,
you have told me that...
That you ran a bawdy
house in Australia,
that you were once a
drag racer in Burma,
and that as a baby,
you were suckled by
a wolf in Tanganyika.
Well, you must admit,
it beats the hell out
of being a housewife.
How would you know?
All you've been
all your life is a liar.
I don't believe anything you
say at any time, about anything.
You are totally in-incapable
of telling one simple truth.
Well, I'll tell
you three truths.
One, Alfie is my nephew,
and he comes from
a lovely little town
called Chipping Campden,
and he's the world's tallest
professional Tango dancer.
The world's tallest
professional Tango dancer?
From Chipping Campden?
Freddie, come down,
dear, and bring the music.
Freddy?
You said his name was Alfie.
Yes, it is. Alfie Freddy.
Yes, it's a very
common English name.
You know something,
Mrs. Naugatuck,
you are hopeless.
You are impossible.
I'm very sorry you
don't believe me, ma'am.
But if you don't
want to believe me,
I can't force you to.
Actually, quite a lot of
people don't believe me.
But, what does that matter?
What does matter
is that I believe me.
Hello, hello, hello.
What is it love?
Oh, over there, dear.
Alfie...
this woman will not
believe your reputation
as a Tango dancer.
And I am here to prove it.
Olé!
Olé!
I wanted to be sure to
be nose-to-nose with you,
before I said this...
How do ya like them apples?
Mrs. Naugatuck, where
do you think you're going?
Upstairs to pack!
Listen, uh,
I'm sorry about my appearance
upstairs in the closet.
But uh, if I'd known we were
gonna be formally introduced,
I'd have put me skivvies on.
Oh well, thanks for
the hospitality anyway.
Any time.
Our closet is your closet.
Well, I really must be
running along to work.
My boat sails at 3:00.
Aah! I knew it. You're a sailor.
God, blimey, no.
I'm a Tango instructor
on a cruise ship.
Sounds like an interesting job.
And dangerous.
In bad weather, I've danced
overboard three times.
Uh, Mr. Freddy,
uh, one question.
Are you really her nephew?
Did she tell you I was?
Then I'm her nephew.
I don't know what to believe.
Why don't you try
believing what she believes?
May I tell you something?
She loves you people.
And she loves working here.
She hasn't got a soul left
in the world, you know that?
Only her dreams
and her illusions.
You take those
stories away from her.
She'll be left with nothing.
Oh, I know,
she may stretch the
truth a bit here and there.
But she's not hurting
anyone, now, is she?
Oh, I... I know but,
I mean, a housekeeper
to tell people
that she's the
Duchess of Naugatuck.
Oh, but she is, you know.
- She is?
- You're joking.
Not at all.
Her first husband
was the, uh, Duke.
That would make him my uncle.
Poor bleeder.
Went off on a fox hunt
once in Swindon's day,
and we never saw
the Ruddy Burke again.
Never saw the Ruddy Burke again.
That's right.
Well, I really must
be popping along.
Cheery bye.
- Well, I'll be.
- Oh.
Walter, what I did to
that lady is inexcusable.
I don't care if he's her
nephew or uncle, or babysitter,
I have to tell her I'm sorry.
Who is it?
It's me, Mrs. Naugatuck.
May I come in?
No!
I came to apologize.
You're too late!
Oh, but Mrs. Naugatuck.
You had your chance,
and you bungled it.
If you was to go down on
your hands and knees and beg,
it wouldn't be no good.
Anyone who doubts my veracity
obviously doesn't
want me around.
And if I'm not wanted, I leave.
So I'm leaving.
Mrs. Naugatuck, I
don't want you to leave.
Then I'll stay.
But on one condition...
That when I have
overnight guests,
I don't want any flack from you.
Now, is that clear?
Yes, Mrs. Naugatuck.
Because I honestly,
sincerely believe
that Alfie is your nephew.
- You do?
- I do.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
I'm not one to fib.
Never have, never will.
I must confess, uh,
I do have occasional
little lapses of memory.
Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck.
- Oh.
- Mrs. Findlay.
I promise,
I will never, ever
doubt your word again.
Duchess.
Oh, so you've heard
that I once married the Duke.
Oh, poor devil.
He went down with
the Titanic, you know.
Alfie said that he
was lost on a fox hunt.
Oh, he was, um.
Don't tell me. Don't tell me.
The fox hunt was
held on the titanic.
Yes.
The Duke always
traveled first class.
Mrs. Naugatuck!
Mrs. Naugatuck!
- Yes.
- What is going on here?
Nothing, ma'am. Why?
Don't tell me, I distinctly
heard Tango music.
And I know it
takes two to Tango.
I was taking lessons, Maude.
Oh, I never dreamed
I'd be married
to a closet Tango dancer.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's... ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪