Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 10 - Vivian's Party - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Oh.

♪ I've got a lovely
bunch of coconuts ♪

♪ See them all
standing in a row. ♪

Very nice, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Thank you.

At times I'm sorry I defected
from the Bolshoi Ballet.



At times so am I.

It's 5 o'clock. Where's Maude?

She's next door
with Mrs. Harmon.

But she left a message
for you on that contraption.

That contraption happens to be

a Velleman combination
refrigerator tape recorder.

It's the hottest new
item in my store.

I'm stuck with
two dozen of them.

And let's see what
her message is.

Walter don't take off your coat,

I want you to run right out,
and get me the following things.

Oh, for crying out
loud. I just got home.

I know you just got home,
Walter, but there are a few...

How do you like that,

she's got me arguing
with my own refrigerator?

No offense meant, sir.

But I've heard you
and the Mrs. arguing

and you could use the practice.

Oh, boy!

Nobody panic. I have
everything under control.

Walter, are you still here?

Don't you listen to
your own refrigerator?

Maude.

Do as it told you.

Hi. Look at my new sweater.

Carol, I need your help.

- Mother, look at my...
- There's no time to explain.

Well, if you really must know

I have just three hours
before the party tonight.

But Ma, you'll never guess
how much I paid for this...

Oh, Lord, my nails are a mess.

Here, Carol, buff this.

- Mother, I...
- Buff, Carol, buff!

You'll find silver
polish in the den.

By the way, mother, I'm
three months pregnant.

Carol, I don't care
what you do at the office.

When you're home, you work.

Walter, are you still here?

Maude, will you calm
down? It's just a little party.

A little pa... you call a
sit-down dinner for 12 people

"a little party?"

What would you call
the last supper, potluck?

For crying out loud, Maude,

it isn't even your
party, it's Vivian's!

What are you doing all this for?

Because poor Vivian
is a nervous wreck!

As anyone would be

when her husband calls
at 4 o'clock in the afternoon

and says, "Oh, by the way, dear,

there'll be 12 extra
for dinner tonight,"

and then hangs up.

Mmm.

Ah...

Mmm.

Well, Mrs. Naugatuck,

all that work for
royalty certainly paid off.

Oh, where did you get
this fabulous recipe?

TV Guide.

- Hi, Grandma.
- Not now, Phillip.

- Hi, Grandpa.
- Hi, Phillip.

Phillip.

We don't do this with
your gum in front of people.

It looks awful.

If you wanna grow up

and be an accepted member
of society, young man,

you better learn how to behave.

Rules. I'm surrounded by rules.

Walter, dear, why don't
you make yourself useful

and go out and get some
fun things for the party.

- Like what?
- Oh, come on, Walter.

You know Arthur and his friends

are intelligent, professional,
sophisticated men,

they're doctors.

Get a couple of whoopee
cushions and a dozen hand buzzers.

I'll get it, Phillip.

You ordered two heads of lettuce

and three cans
of, uh, mixed nuts?

Maude, did you order
two heads of lettuce

and three cans of mixed nuts?

I ordered one head of lettuce.

Well, two heads
are better than one.

I heard that, Walter!

Throw him out!

- How much do I owe you?
- It's a charge.

Hey!

Haven't I seen you before?

You look awful familiar.

I don't think we
know each other.

Hey, there's
somethin' about you.

Look, I think you
got the wrong guy.

Hey, wait a minute!

You drive a blue Sedan?

Yeah, why?

This morning...

you stopped for a red
light on Main Street,

and just as I drove
by on my Honda,

you were sucking on a sour
ball and spit it out the window!

Walter!

I know, I know.
Whoopee cushions.

Three months pregnant?

I only said it so
you'd pay attention.

Buff, Carol, buff.

Oh, Carol, do you think
my low-cut blue dress

will make me look too sexy?

Not anymore, mother.

That's right,
Carol. Hit and run!

Maude Findlay!

What in tarnation are
you doing to my wife?

- What?
- You're making her
a nervous wreck.

She's got the seating
arrangement all fouled up!

She put a brain surgeon
right next to a foot specialist.

You can't do that!

They're at opposite
ends of the body!

What would they talk about?

If they compromised and
met halfway down the back,

they could talk about you.

Maudie, I don't
think you realize

what a coup this is for me.

My guest of honor

is one of the biggest
neurosurgeons in the country.

I was very lucky to get him.
It was just a last-minute thing.

Arthur, what are you doing?

Oh, Vivian forgot
to order liquor.

Where is that cold duck I
gave you for Christmas?

You took it back for New Year's.

Oh, yeah.

What is that smell?

Oh, stuffed cabbage Dubrovnik.

Cabbage?

You're gonna serve cabbage
to 14 people in one room?

Maude, I think you're
deliberately trying to ruin my party.

Arthur, if it weren't for me
there wouldn't be any party.

Oh, Maude, Maude, I
need your help right away!

Vivian, please!

It's unbecoming for a
prominent physician's wife

to submit to hysteria.

You wouldn't find
Dr. Schwartz's wife

running around the jungle like
a chicken with its head cut off.

Who are you?

I'm your maid.

Oh.

Of course. Stella!

I didn't recognize you in
somebody else's house.

Oh, Mau-Maude, since you're
handling everything tonight,

would you please tell Stella

exactly what she's
supposed to do?

Oh, gladly, Viv. Gladly.

Now, look, Stella dear,

actually there is very
little for you to do.

I've already made the main dish.

I want you to do
a few extra things

like fix the Remoulade sauce

for the seafood, uh, cocktail.

Uh, clean the shrimp,

toss a green salad,

prepare and cook the vegetables,

and for dessert
make a baked Alaska.

Then you'll simply serve,
clean up, and wash the dishes.

That's all there is to it.

That's all?

That's all.

I quit.

No! Wait, wait, wait! Wha...

Uh, Stella, you can't quit!

I don't do windows,
and I don't do parties.

- Oh.
- Which is why the Harmons
have the quietest house

and the dirtiest windows
in the neighborhood.

Uh, Stella, listen, listen.

Haven't we always treated you

just like a member
of the family?

Yeah, black sheep of the family.

Vivian, Vivian,
let me handle this.

I'm a liberal and
these are my people.

Now, look, Stella.

This is a very, very
important occasion.

And as a prominent
civil rights leader,

I would personally appreciate

your making an exception
in the case of these ofays.

Well, all right.

If you put it that way!

While you do the serving,
I'll wash the windows.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I am not that much of a liberal.

Now listen to me, Stella.

You are going to
serve at that party,

and that is that!

Well, now Ms. Findlay,

let me put things as
delicately as I know how.

If you think that
I'm gonna serve,

you can take a flying leap
into your cabbage Dubrovnik.

Bye.

You can't walk out!

Stella! Stella, come back!

Look, Stella, we'll compromise!

I'll do half the shrimp!

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

15 Years ago when she
came to work for Arthur,

I said, "Arthur,
do not hire her,

she's not dependable."

I lost my maid.

Maude, I've lost my maid.

This whole evening is
going to be a total disaster.

It's likely to be the end
of my marriage to Arthur.

- Oh.
- That's the spirit, Vivian.

Look on the bright side.

Oh, now, look, Vivian.

I promised you a
sensational party

and you're gonna have
a sensational party.

But who's going to serve?

♪ Home, home on the... ♪

Mrs. Naugatuck.

I'll lend you Mrs. Naugatuck.

You will?

Well, of course, it's
the least I can do.

Oh, that's perfectly wonderful.

Oh, come on,
Vivian, it's nothing.

Uh, you think you
really don't mind?

Mi... why should I mind?

Who would mind?

If you have to leave the
room, Mrs. Naugatuck,

it's perfectly all right.

Just a moment.

Just a flipping moment.

A person can lend
another person a book,

or a few bob,

but a person does not lend
another person another person.

- Maude, you said...
- Calm, Queen Vivian, calm.

Now, look, Mrs.
Naugatuck, ducks.

I wasn't going
to lend you, love.

Now, that's just the
American way of asking you

if you have the time,
as a person, as a friend,

to help Mrs. Harmon
out in her hour of need.

As we say at the
birdwatchers society,

bullfinch.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

I'll be there at 7:00.

Oh, oh, thank you!

Oh, now let me see,
there'll be 12 of us for dinner.

Hey, this is fun.

All right, all right, stop
acting like a doctor

and go get dressed
for the party.

Wonderful, Walter.

Those doctors will adore it.

Party? We're not
going to any party.

What are you talking about?

Of course, we're
going to the party.

What makes you
think we're invited?

Arthur never said
anything about us coming.

Oh, come on, now, Walter.

Do you honestly
think that Vivian,

my oldest and dearest
amigo in the whole world

would let me knock myself out

saving her first
big dinner party

if I weren't invited?

Shows how little you know about

the deep simpatico
between two women,

who have known and loved
each other for 35 years.

Oh, Maude, I think
everything's going to be fine now.

Thank you so much!

Oh, sweetheart, it was nothing.

That's what friends are for.

And you're the dearest!

I'll tell you all about the
party tomorrow morning.

Maude, are you all right?

Maude, what are you doing?

Hello, police?

I'd like to report
a noisy party.

Maude!

37 Crenshaw. N-no rush.

It doesn't start
for three hours.

Get 'em! Get 'em!

Get 'em! Get 'em!

Thank heavens.

We are not going
to the most miserable

rotten tacky party ever
given in the free world.

You figured we're
not going, right?

Heavens, no.

I mean I have nothing to wear.

All right, Maude.
What are you up to?

Come on, Walter.
I'm not up to anything.

With the possible exception of
a completely foolproof scheme

to have Vivian crawling
on her hands and knees,

begging me to come to her party.

Maude, you are
acting small and petty.

Walter, I am not
small and petty.

Big and petty.

Hello.

Oh, um, Vivian,
I'm so sorry dear,

but Mrs. Naugatuck
can't make it.

No, she just caught her
nose in the pressure cooker.

Yeah, she's currently suffering
from a soft-boiled septum.

I never do anything small.

So, that's it, Maude.

What a rotten thing to do.

You are right, Walter.

Rotten, miserable, sick,

and completely brilliant.

Now, go upstairs and
get dressed for the party.

Maude, I will go to a
party tomorrow night,

next week, next month!

But not tonight.

I think your behavior
is neurotic and childish!

Neurotic and childish?

This from a man who cries

when he misses a
re-run of Gilligan's Island?

Maudie, we have to talk to you.

-Oh, Vivian, Arthur,
-Yeah, yeah, please.

I'm so glad you popped in.

Walter and I were just about
to go out and rotate our tires.

Won't you join us?

Maudie, this is no
time for practical jokes.

I am under a
great deal of stress,

and Vivian's
nails are still wet.

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Mrs. Naugatuck?

Coming! Coming!

Back upstairs, Naugatuck.
You're not going.

I wish you'd told me earlier.

I could have gone downtown
and picked up a sailor.

Mrs. Naugatuck,
the fleet may be in,

but your ship sailed
about ten years ago.

Back upstairs!

Wait a minute!

Come back down
here, Mrs. Naugatuck!

Back upstairs!

I wish you'd make up your minds.

With all this upping
and downing,

I've got a run in me pantyhose.

It's obvious Maude's upset

because she wasn't
invited to the party.

Oh, come on, Vivian.

I wouldn't go to that party

if you got down on your hands
and knees and begged me.

Although you're welcome to try.

- But Maude, we thought
we were doing you a favor.
- Yes.

Maude, we thought
you'd be bored stiff.

Vivian, I stuffed
my cabbage for you.

Maudie, please,
it's nothing personal.

You just don't
belong at the party.

It's... it's only for doctors.

Maude, Arthur's right.

His parties are dull,
dumb, and stupid.

Thank you, Walter.

I mean even if you get lucky

and the doctors
tell a dirty joke,

the parts of the
body are in Latin.

That's right and I can prove it.

Arthur, tell them the one about

the certified public accountant
on the fallen metatarsal.

Yeah.

There was this certified public-

Oh, shut up, Arthur.

Now come on, Arthur,
it is perfectly obvious.

Walter and I aren't good
enough for you and your friends.

- Oh!
- That is absolutely untrue.

Now I demand that you
release Mrs. Naugatuck.

It's too late to
get anybody else.

Then may I suggest self-service?

Which would be very apropos

considering the fact that
your house is decorated

in early "Jack in the Box."

Maude, please. Don't
you see it's too late...

Walter, you've
gotta talk to her.

Don't you see what she's doing?

Between her
irresponsible accusations,

and then withholding
Mrs. Naugatuck,

she's reduced Vivian to tears.

Oh, Arthur.

I beg your pardon.

We're invited to a
party at the Harmons

and, uh, they aren't at home.

Do you know where they are?

Oh, the Harmons?

Haven't you heard?

Heard what?

They're dead.

They're... they're really dead?

Yes, as far as we're concerned.

Make her give us,
Mrs. Naugatuck.

- Arthur.
- Please.

You want us to beg?

We'll beg.

Come on. Beg, beg, Vivian.

Beg, Vivian. Vivian, get down.

- No! No! No!
- Down, Vivian.

I wouldn't be able to
face myself in the mirror.

Now, with that
dress you're wearing,

you wouldn't be
missing anything.

- Maude!
- Maude, just exactly
what is it you want from me?

I want you to throw
your arms around me

and tell me you are sorry

that you treated me in such a
miserable, rotten, shoddy way,

and that you won't
be able to sleep nights

unless I come to your party.

- Maudie, I think you're acting...
- I'm sorry.

Oh, Arthur, shut up!

Maude, I'm sorry.

I treated you in such a...

- Rotten.
- Rotten.

- Miserable.
- Miserable.

- Shoddy.
- Shoddy way.

And I won't be
able to sleep nights

unless you come to my party.

Please, Maude.

Please.

N-O spells "no".

Oh, Maude!

I had to tell you every
single word to say.

And quite frankly, I
said it all much better.

Maude, I know,

I know I should've invited
you to come to my party,

but you know, I was just so
upset and so nervous and...

But you know that
I love you, and I...

I wouldn't do anything in
the world to hurt you, Maude,

and I just feel awful.

You feel what?

Terrible.

Rotten.

Miserable.

Oh, Vivian,

you have no idea how
happy that makes me.

Maude!

Oh, Vivian!

Won't you please,
come to my party?

Oh, no, Vivian!

I wouldn't dream of
imposing myself on you.

You have your party,
and God bless you, Viv!

Women.

You can say that again.

Mrs. Naugatuck!

Mrs. Naugatuck, it's 7 o'clock!

Time for the party!

Thank heavens that's solved.

As you know, Walter,

my guest of honor is a
very important person.

In fact, he was mentioned today

in Errol Wilson's
column in the paper.

Oh, yeah, why?

Well, his wife's an actress.

She was in King Kong.

- King Kong?
- Yeah.

She was the one
that King Kong took up

to the top of the
Empire State building.

Fay Wray?

Fay Wray, Arthur?

Fay Wray?

Fay Wray, Ar... Maude, Fay Wray!

Fay Wray!

Oh, you've heard of her?

Are you kidding?

I'm the only man in the world

who has seen King
Kong a 153 times!

Ten to one he
mentions Bruce Cabot.

Bruce Cabot.

Bruce Cabot.

Standing there,

clutching, clutching Fay Wray.

With her dress in shreds
and her long blond hair

blowing in the wind.

Robert Armstrong.

Robert Armstrong!

With the poor dead Kong
lying at his feet and saying...

And he actually
said this, Arthur...

"It wasn't bullets, it was
beauty that killed the beast."

You mean that Fay Wray
is gonna be at your house?

Yeah, all the doctors
are bringing their wives.

How could you have Fay
Wray and not invite us?

Oh, Walter, what's
the difference?

Who cares?

I care!

I wanna go to that party
and meet Fay Wray!

Come on, now, Walter,
you're acting like a little boy.

And I'm a mad little boy!

All the years that
I've known you,

you have never introduced
me to one interesting person!

And the one time you
have one, we're not invited!

Where the hell do
you think you're going?

Back upstairs!

Walter, come on.

Arthur is your best friend.

That's right.

Good Lord, Walter,

I no sooner get your hysterical
dum-dum wife calmed down,

then you start.

Fay Wray.

"Hysterical dum-dum wife"?

Arthur, you are a stupid
condescending quack!

I resent your innuendo, Maudie.

How dare you call
Arthur a quack?

You're not even
one of his patients!

Which is why I'm standing
here right now, Vivian.

I am shocked!

I thought you people
had more class.

Class? What do you
know about class?

You paid for our wedding
present with green stamps.

Vivian, you told!

Don't talk to me
about class, Maudie.

I'm a Wizard of Avis.

All Walter belongs
to is a country club,

and he had to be told
to buy white shoes.

Oh, yeah? I got
personalized license plates!

Big deal! Anybody can
get plates that say, "Wally F"

I have "M.D." plates.

Arthur can park in a bus stop!

I know, that's where
he picked you up.

And to think we
considered you our friends.

Oh, come on, Vivian.

You have no friends.

We're the only people

who like you enough
to be your enemies.

Oh, go shave your legs!

Now, wait a minute, all of you!

Now, let me tell you
something about friendship.

- What?
- What?

Ours is over, and get
the hell out of my house!

That's just fine with me.

I'll be old and gray before I
set foot in this house again.

Like before you had your
hair dyed and your face lifted?

Well, I never...

I know, that's why you had your
hair dyed and your face lifted.

- Oh! Oh!
- Vivian, we are leaving.

And I can assure you it'll
be a frosty Friday in May

before you're invited to
our house at a party again.

Fay Kong, or no Fay Kong.

If you think that I would
ever come to a party

that you gave, ever...

If you think I would step
one foot in that dump and...

and throw away my
pride and my dignity

and sink to the depths
of being your friend,

you are out of your minds!

Because if there's one thing

I have left in this whole world,

it is my dignity.

Oh.

How soon can you be ready?

I am ready. Walter,
why aren't you dressed?

Just give me a minute!

Vivian, we'll need
another bottle of scotch!

Well, good night, all!

I'm going down to the
UN and pick up a Greek.

Good night. Night, Viv.

Night. I'm sorry
about my headache.

Greatest party I ever
been too. I really loved it.

Night. Night.

Oh, worst evening I
ever spend in my life.

Oh, boring.

Fay Wray and her husband
never even showed up.

Oh.

Boring.

Boring. Boring.

That's what happens when
you get a room full of doctors.

Couldn't even get
a word in edgewise,

all shop talk.

Oh, my...

Nothing, but hearts,
kidneys, livers.

Oh, my butcher would
have been right at home.

Longest night of my life.

I thought it would never end.

Oh.

What time is it?

8:30.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ And then theres... ♪