Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 8 - A Night to Remember - full transcript
Both Maude and Walter have their own problems to deal with, causing them to have restless nights. Maude is facing a hysterectomy and Walter has problems at his store.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Walter, I...
Maude, there's a prowler
in the house, get up!
- What're you doing up?
- Prowling.
At 3 o'clock in the morning?
I'm sorry, Walter,
these are the peak hours
for prowlers.
But I got a big day
at the store tomorrow.
Is something the matter?
No, nothing. Uh, just
a touch of insomnia.
You go back to sleep.
You never once
had trouble sleeping
in the six years
we've been married.
And for the four
months before that.
That's three months,
Walter. Don't brag.
Just go to sleep, and I'll
be there in a few minutes.
Well, I'll never
get to sleep now.
Actually, Walter, I do
have something to tell you.
You see, sweetheart, but...
- Ow!
- Ahh!
- Now, what are you doing?
- Screaming in pain.
- What happened?
- Oh, nothing.
I was plucking my eyebrows
and got hold of a hair
with the longest
root in the world.
- Come on, Maude...
- The longest root, Walter.
Look.
Something's gotta be
wrong, Maude, so, what is it?
Maude, will you please
tell me what's wrong?
I have to paint my toenails.
- No, that's not it!
- Yes, it is! Look at them!
They look like I've been
washing dishes with my feet.
- Maude, is it something
I said?
- No.
- Is it something I did?
- No.
- You're having an affair.
- Yes.
- Maude?
- Don't be silly, Walter,
how could I have an
affair with these toenails?
Then it's your mother!
You had a fight with your mother
the last time you
went to visit her.
Walter. Walter, why
would I want to fight
with a sweet, dear woman
who didn't have the
decency to thank me
for the five pound
box of saltwater taffy
I broke my back to
bring the old witch?
Ah-ha, well, now,
that that's settled,
we can get some sleep.
- I knew that that was it.
- It's not it.
Oh, come on, Maude.
Tomorrow's my 14th annual
Indian summer clearance sale!
I'll be on my feet
from early morning
till late at night.
You know I can't get to
sleep until you come to bed.
All right, all right... Walter.
I'll come to bed.
Good!
But I guarantee you I
won't be able to sleep.
Try!
I'll try, Walter,
but it won't work.
- You're not trying.
- Yes, I am!
- Close your eyes!
- Oh. I forgot.
Now I can't sleep.
Maude, I'm sorry, I...
- Damn!
- What?
What's the matter?
- What the... What's the problem?
- Damn! Damn! Damn!
Walter, could you give me
just a little more
information than that?
You want to know what's wrong?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
Tomorrow's my 14th annual
Indian summer clearance sale,
and there's a raging
blizzard outside!
Damn!
I'm gonna go broke.
How am I gonna sell
summer merchandise
in the middle of a snowstorm?
Who could be calling
at 3:00 in the morning?
Hello?
No, this is not Ginger.
How's my what?
Boy, do you have
the wrong number?
How can I have a sale
in weather like this?
Stop snowing out there!
I'm not in the sled business!
Snow, snow, go away,
come again some other day!
- Walter, please, calm down.
- Maude, I have merchandise...
Walter, you are going to
have a nervous breakdown!
Nothing is worth all this.
Oh, forget it, Maude!
I shouldn't have bothered
you with my business problems.
Hello?
No, this is not Ginger.
No, this is Peaches,
Ginger's roommate.
It's Ginger's night off.
You... you're an odd
fellow from Pittsburgh?
No, I'm not busy.
No, you can't miss
it... It's on Dover street,
right over the
all-night pizzeria. Yeah.
Oh, and, uh, pick
up an anchovy pizza.
We'll roll around
in it, Italian style.
This is the worst
night of my life.
Come on, let's try
and get some sleep.
No, you go ahead,
Walter, I couldn't possibly.
If I can, you can!
Whatever your problem is,
it is not as half as
important as mine.
And just what do
you mean by that?
Okay, Maude!
Tell me what your problem is!
Oh, Lord, I'm
getting a headache.
You lost your charger plate?
You broke a fingernail?
You can't decide what to
serve the ladies at your meeting?
Shrimp puffs or cheese balls?
That's all you think I
have to think about, Walter!
Shrimp puffs or cheese balls?
Actually, I've decided
on, uh, a mock tuna birds.
Now, you still think that
women are senseless,
don't you, Walter?
You think of us as
senseless little creatures
with trivial problems.
Maude, I didn't say
anything at all like that.
Oh, Lord, what a headache.
Look, all I said was,
compared to men,
you women have it made.
How do you like that?
Now, I find the suppositories.
Have you any idea what it's
like to be a man nowadays?
I'm afraid not, Walter.
On the advice of my priest,
I gave up being a man
shortly after World War II.
I have to take care
of this whole house.
I have to worry about the world!
And look at this.
Uh, look at this.
Penicillin from
1968! But no aspirin!
Well, if you had
a social disease,
instead of a headache,
we could cure it.
Very funny, Maude.
- But there's no aspirin!
- Here, eagle eye!
Hello?
Yes, Peaches here.
You... you want to
bring along a friend!
Of course! The more,
the merrier, yeah.
Oh, and, uh, uh, don't worry,
I have penicillin from 1968.
Stop calling this number!
You see, Walter?
And you think that we women
don't have real problems.
Okay, Maude, tell me
what your problem is.
I'll forget everything
that's on my mind
while I'm strangling to
death with business problems.
So, go ahead, tell
me about your serious,
serious problem.
All right, I will. And,
darling, thank you so much
for giving me part
of your precious time
to tell you about my
little, little problem.
Walter, my sink is
not sparkling white.
And as if that weren't enough,
oh, Lord, how do I tell him?
I found out that my housecoat
- has ring around the collar.
- Maude!
♪ Ring around the collar! ♪
♪ Ring around the collar ♪
- ♪ Ring around the... ♪
- Maude!
Oh, and one other thing, Walter,
I have to have a hysterectomy!
You what?
Hysterectomy, Walter.
You'll find it in the
dictionary right after
hysteria and hysterical.
Oh, my God.
Oh, honey, honey,
I didn't mean to
break it to you like this.
Maude, I'm sorry, I... I...
- You must be scared to death.
- I am.
But, honey,
Dr. Dicehart said that
it's-it's not a
serious operation.
I mean, there were just
a few little things wrong,
and he feels I should
have it taken care of now.
Maude, Maude... And here
I'm talking about business.
- Oh.
- Maude, sweetheart...
if anything
happened to you, I...
Oh, Walter.
Look, Walter, the
doctor said that
he is reasonably sure that
there is absolutely
nothing to worry about.
But just to be a 100% positive,
he wants me to
have the operation.
Don't you think we should
get a second opinion?
Walter, if a woman can't
trust her own gynecologist,
who can she trust?
- I still think you should get...
- I already did.
Come on, Walter, sweetheart,
it's a very simple operation.
Everybody's having it done.
Nancy Hobson
started the whole thing
when she had hers.
Nancy Hobson had one? When?
Oh, years ago.
She had her hysterectomy
even before she got color TV.
Oh, boy, what a night.
Ugh. You know, now that
it's out in the open, Walter,
I can't tell you how
much better I feel.
Maude, are you sure that...
Honey, honey, there is
nothing to worry about.
Everything is
gonna be all right.
Sure it will.
Now, listen, Walter,
I want you to promise me
that you're not gonna worry.
I promise.
And you, too, Maude.
I promise.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
Goodnight, darling.
Good Lord, we're going to
have matching mustaches.
Maude, for crying out loud.
Maude, please, what
are you doing in there?
Practicing shaving.
But, Maude, you said yourself,
it was a simple operation.
Walter, it's not the
operation, it's after.
It's the whole chemical
balance of the body changes.
What are you talking about?
I know for a fact
we will never have
matching mustaches.
Walter, how do you know?
Because if we do,
I'll shave mine off.
Maude, be sensible!
If every woman who had a
hysterectomy grew a mustache,
half the wives at the Club
would look like Groucho Marx.
They do!
Oh, Walter, it's over!
It's over! It's all over!
- What's over?
- We're over.
Maude.
Oh, Walter,
you won't want me when I'm old,
hairy and... fat,
flabby... and blah.
What are you talking
about fat and flabby?
You've seen Nancy Hobson,
she looks like a horse.
That's because
she eats like a horse.
Being fat has nothing to
do with her hysterectomy.
Yes, it has. It's... it's... It's
the hormone imbalance.
She told me so herself Saturday,
when we were at Schrafft's
having hot fudge sundaes.
With pecans.
Oh, Lord, Walter,
I'll be a mess.
Obese.
My voice will change.
God'll get you for what
you're thinking, Walter.
Where are you getting
all this nonsense?
What did the doctor say?
I didn't ask him,
Walter, I was too upset.
And, besides, he was busy,
a waiting room full of patients.
Honey, why didn't you ask him
while he was examining you?
Obviously, you have never
been to a gynecologist.
Oh, Walter, so many
people have loved this face.
I wonder what
it's gonna look like
with 5 o'clock shadow.
Maude, it's time
that we found out
what the facts really are.
What are you doing?
I'm calling Arthur.
You are not calling
Arthur Harmon
at 3:00 in the morning.
Why not? He's a doctor!
Walter, I don't want
anybody to know
about the operation
until it's over.
Besides, you know what
a blabbermouth Vivian is.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, what's to become of us?
What's to become
of our love life?
- Absolutely nothing.
- You can say that again.
Maude, I love you,
and I'll always love you.
Oh, Walter, we'll
never be the same.
You'll no longer
find me desire...
Where are you going?
- To the bathroom.
- You see,
you're losing interest already.
Walter, if you're not
out in two minutes,
I'm selling the bed!
Hello, Arthur, it's Walter.
Listen, I gotta talk to you.
Well, you're a
doctor, aren't you!
Come on, I already took
a couple of aspirin, Arthur.
Arthur, this is urgent!
No, just come as you are.
I'll meet you at the back door.
Ah.
Okay, Walter, what's up?
And don't tell
me the toilet seat.
Okay, Maude, I'll
tell you what's up.
I just called Arthur, and I
asked him to come over.
Walter, I asked you not to!
You're driving yourself crazy,
and you're driving me crazy!
Now, once and for all,
we're gonna get
the facts from Arthur!
But why must it be Arthur?
Because Arthur is a doctor,
and he's my best friend!
Walter, two wrongs
do not make a right!
Coming.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm coming!
Come in, Arthur.
Arthur,
listen, sit down and
take off your coat.
I can't, I've got
nothing on underneath.
Well, you said,
"Come as you are."
I'll tell you something, Walter,
if you're not awfully sick,
I'm gonna be furious!
Arthur, it's Maude.
She has to have a hysterectomy.
I know that.
How do you know?
Dr. Dicehart told me.
He's a tenant in
one of my buildings.
Now, Walter, let me
tell you something,
today hysterectomies
tend to be a fad,
like Frisbees.
Lots of women are having
needless hysterectomies,
but not Dr. Dicehart's patients.
He's a very fine physician.
Arthur, Maude is so scared,
she hasn't slept
a wink all night.
Well, maybe I'd better
have a little talk with her.
She won't talk to you!
Oh, don't be too sure, Walter.
There are two things that
no woman can ever pass up,
a telephone and
free medical advice.
- Arthur...
- See?
Listen, Arthur,
maybe Walter is right.
Maybe I should talk to you.
Of course, Maudie,
any help I can be.
It's very sweet of you, Arthur.
- Here, let me take your coat.
- No, no, no, no.
I'll be more comfortable
with it on, thanks.
Arthur, if you keep your
coat on, you'll catch cold.
No! I... I got nothing
on underneath.
Catch cold.
Come on, sit down
over here, Maudie.
Now, listen,
I know all the things
that you're worried about.
Fuzz in the face,
fat farm fantasies,
the ugly duckling syndrome,
nothing but old wives' tales.
A hysterectomy is
a simple operation.
In fact, over at the
hospital, we refer to it as a
south-of-the-border
tonsillectomy.
That's hilarious, Arthur.
Uh, look, Arthur,
Arthur, I heard what you
said about old wives' tales.
But, Arthur, what I really
want you to tell me...
Oh, please, now, give
it to me straight, Arthur.
I mean about, you
know, when I... I mean,
you know, Walter and I...
Well, you know, it
takes two to tango.
Oh, you'll be able to dance.
That's not what I mean!
Oh?
Oh!
Oh, Maudie, I can't emph...
Emphasize too strongly,
not to worry.
Nowadays, with
pills and hormones,
you'll be like a new
woman, a classic,
like a 1928 Packard
with a rebuilt engine.
A 1928 Packard?
You know, Arthur, my
father had a '28 Packard.
You know where he kept it?
In the garage,
up on blocks.
Maude.
Arthur.
Now, don't worry, ol' buddy,
everything's gonna be just fine.
All you have to do is prove
to her that you will love her
as much after the
operation as you do now.
And you will, Walter.
Nothing is gonna change.
- Thanks, Arthur.
- Okay. Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Perfect weather for
your Indian summer sale.
Get out of here.
In my declining years, they
can bury me in a bunker.
Maude, darling, sweetheart.
What was that,
Walter, a mercy kiss?
There you go again!
I talk to you,
Arthur talks to you,
but nothing matters, huh, Maude?
Walter, Walter,
don't you understand?
Honey, it's not me I'm
concerned about, it's you.
Walter, you're...
You're so vibrant,
you're so vital,
you're so alive,
you're so virile.
I mean, you're such man
that I know in my heart,
when I turn into grandma Moses,
you're going to
cheat like a bandit.
That's it!
That's it!
That does it!
That's it!
Look, Walter,
if you think I'm going to
give you the satisfaction
of asking you what you're doing
in that bathtub, you're crazy.
Well, you are crazy,
so tell me what you're
doing in that bathtub.
One, I gotta get some sleep.
Two, I'll never convince
you of anything.
And, three, since
you're so positive
I won't find you attractive,
I better start getting
used to separate beds.
I see.
Okay, Walter. Goodnight,
dear, sleep well.
I am not too happy with
you at this moment, Maude.
This is the nicest thing
that's happened all night.
You forgot to feel
sorry for yourself.
Oh, oh, Walter, Walter.
You're so understanding,
you're so reassuring,
you're so... wet.
You know, darling, I
know it's childish, but...
I'm still scared to death
about the operation.
Not just that operation,
but any operation.
Well, uh, maybe we
ought to do something
to take your mind off it.
Oh, Walter, sweetheart, I
really have to get some sleep.
And I have to be at the
hospital at 9:00 for some tests.
Tests? What kind of tests?
Oh, just, they call it
a medical clearance.
It's just a routine,
you know, check-up
that they want to give me
before I go into the
hospital next week.
Oh, well, if
that's all, it is...
Walter, please.
Why not?
Honey, I'm not even
supposed to have breakfast.
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Walter, I...
Maude, there's a prowler
in the house, get up!
- What're you doing up?
- Prowling.
At 3 o'clock in the morning?
I'm sorry, Walter,
these are the peak hours
for prowlers.
But I got a big day
at the store tomorrow.
Is something the matter?
No, nothing. Uh, just
a touch of insomnia.
You go back to sleep.
You never once
had trouble sleeping
in the six years
we've been married.
And for the four
months before that.
That's three months,
Walter. Don't brag.
Just go to sleep, and I'll
be there in a few minutes.
Well, I'll never
get to sleep now.
Actually, Walter, I do
have something to tell you.
You see, sweetheart, but...
- Ow!
- Ahh!
- Now, what are you doing?
- Screaming in pain.
- What happened?
- Oh, nothing.
I was plucking my eyebrows
and got hold of a hair
with the longest
root in the world.
- Come on, Maude...
- The longest root, Walter.
Look.
Something's gotta be
wrong, Maude, so, what is it?
Maude, will you please
tell me what's wrong?
I have to paint my toenails.
- No, that's not it!
- Yes, it is! Look at them!
They look like I've been
washing dishes with my feet.
- Maude, is it something
I said?
- No.
- Is it something I did?
- No.
- You're having an affair.
- Yes.
- Maude?
- Don't be silly, Walter,
how could I have an
affair with these toenails?
Then it's your mother!
You had a fight with your mother
the last time you
went to visit her.
Walter. Walter, why
would I want to fight
with a sweet, dear woman
who didn't have the
decency to thank me
for the five pound
box of saltwater taffy
I broke my back to
bring the old witch?
Ah-ha, well, now,
that that's settled,
we can get some sleep.
- I knew that that was it.
- It's not it.
Oh, come on, Maude.
Tomorrow's my 14th annual
Indian summer clearance sale!
I'll be on my feet
from early morning
till late at night.
You know I can't get to
sleep until you come to bed.
All right, all right... Walter.
I'll come to bed.
Good!
But I guarantee you I
won't be able to sleep.
Try!
I'll try, Walter,
but it won't work.
- You're not trying.
- Yes, I am!
- Close your eyes!
- Oh. I forgot.
Now I can't sleep.
Maude, I'm sorry, I...
- Damn!
- What?
What's the matter?
- What the... What's the problem?
- Damn! Damn! Damn!
Walter, could you give me
just a little more
information than that?
You want to know what's wrong?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
Tomorrow's my 14th annual
Indian summer clearance sale,
and there's a raging
blizzard outside!
Damn!
I'm gonna go broke.
How am I gonna sell
summer merchandise
in the middle of a snowstorm?
Who could be calling
at 3:00 in the morning?
Hello?
No, this is not Ginger.
How's my what?
Boy, do you have
the wrong number?
How can I have a sale
in weather like this?
Stop snowing out there!
I'm not in the sled business!
Snow, snow, go away,
come again some other day!
- Walter, please, calm down.
- Maude, I have merchandise...
Walter, you are going to
have a nervous breakdown!
Nothing is worth all this.
Oh, forget it, Maude!
I shouldn't have bothered
you with my business problems.
Hello?
No, this is not Ginger.
No, this is Peaches,
Ginger's roommate.
It's Ginger's night off.
You... you're an odd
fellow from Pittsburgh?
No, I'm not busy.
No, you can't miss
it... It's on Dover street,
right over the
all-night pizzeria. Yeah.
Oh, and, uh, pick
up an anchovy pizza.
We'll roll around
in it, Italian style.
This is the worst
night of my life.
Come on, let's try
and get some sleep.
No, you go ahead,
Walter, I couldn't possibly.
If I can, you can!
Whatever your problem is,
it is not as half as
important as mine.
And just what do
you mean by that?
Okay, Maude!
Tell me what your problem is!
Oh, Lord, I'm
getting a headache.
You lost your charger plate?
You broke a fingernail?
You can't decide what to
serve the ladies at your meeting?
Shrimp puffs or cheese balls?
That's all you think I
have to think about, Walter!
Shrimp puffs or cheese balls?
Actually, I've decided
on, uh, a mock tuna birds.
Now, you still think that
women are senseless,
don't you, Walter?
You think of us as
senseless little creatures
with trivial problems.
Maude, I didn't say
anything at all like that.
Oh, Lord, what a headache.
Look, all I said was,
compared to men,
you women have it made.
How do you like that?
Now, I find the suppositories.
Have you any idea what it's
like to be a man nowadays?
I'm afraid not, Walter.
On the advice of my priest,
I gave up being a man
shortly after World War II.
I have to take care
of this whole house.
I have to worry about the world!
And look at this.
Uh, look at this.
Penicillin from
1968! But no aspirin!
Well, if you had
a social disease,
instead of a headache,
we could cure it.
Very funny, Maude.
- But there's no aspirin!
- Here, eagle eye!
Hello?
Yes, Peaches here.
You... you want to
bring along a friend!
Of course! The more,
the merrier, yeah.
Oh, and, uh, uh, don't worry,
I have penicillin from 1968.
Stop calling this number!
You see, Walter?
And you think that we women
don't have real problems.
Okay, Maude, tell me
what your problem is.
I'll forget everything
that's on my mind
while I'm strangling to
death with business problems.
So, go ahead, tell
me about your serious,
serious problem.
All right, I will. And,
darling, thank you so much
for giving me part
of your precious time
to tell you about my
little, little problem.
Walter, my sink is
not sparkling white.
And as if that weren't enough,
oh, Lord, how do I tell him?
I found out that my housecoat
- has ring around the collar.
- Maude!
♪ Ring around the collar! ♪
♪ Ring around the collar ♪
- ♪ Ring around the... ♪
- Maude!
Oh, and one other thing, Walter,
I have to have a hysterectomy!
You what?
Hysterectomy, Walter.
You'll find it in the
dictionary right after
hysteria and hysterical.
Oh, my God.
Oh, honey, honey,
I didn't mean to
break it to you like this.
Maude, I'm sorry, I... I...
- You must be scared to death.
- I am.
But, honey,
Dr. Dicehart said that
it's-it's not a
serious operation.
I mean, there were just
a few little things wrong,
and he feels I should
have it taken care of now.
Maude, Maude... And here
I'm talking about business.
- Oh.
- Maude, sweetheart...
if anything
happened to you, I...
Oh, Walter.
Look, Walter, the
doctor said that
he is reasonably sure that
there is absolutely
nothing to worry about.
But just to be a 100% positive,
he wants me to
have the operation.
Don't you think we should
get a second opinion?
Walter, if a woman can't
trust her own gynecologist,
who can she trust?
- I still think you should get...
- I already did.
Come on, Walter, sweetheart,
it's a very simple operation.
Everybody's having it done.
Nancy Hobson
started the whole thing
when she had hers.
Nancy Hobson had one? When?
Oh, years ago.
She had her hysterectomy
even before she got color TV.
Oh, boy, what a night.
Ugh. You know, now that
it's out in the open, Walter,
I can't tell you how
much better I feel.
Maude, are you sure that...
Honey, honey, there is
nothing to worry about.
Everything is
gonna be all right.
Sure it will.
Now, listen, Walter,
I want you to promise me
that you're not gonna worry.
I promise.
And you, too, Maude.
I promise.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
Goodnight, darling.
Good Lord, we're going to
have matching mustaches.
Maude, for crying out loud.
Maude, please, what
are you doing in there?
Practicing shaving.
But, Maude, you said yourself,
it was a simple operation.
Walter, it's not the
operation, it's after.
It's the whole chemical
balance of the body changes.
What are you talking about?
I know for a fact
we will never have
matching mustaches.
Walter, how do you know?
Because if we do,
I'll shave mine off.
Maude, be sensible!
If every woman who had a
hysterectomy grew a mustache,
half the wives at the Club
would look like Groucho Marx.
They do!
Oh, Walter, it's over!
It's over! It's all over!
- What's over?
- We're over.
Maude.
Oh, Walter,
you won't want me when I'm old,
hairy and... fat,
flabby... and blah.
What are you talking
about fat and flabby?
You've seen Nancy Hobson,
she looks like a horse.
That's because
she eats like a horse.
Being fat has nothing to
do with her hysterectomy.
Yes, it has. It's... it's... It's
the hormone imbalance.
She told me so herself Saturday,
when we were at Schrafft's
having hot fudge sundaes.
With pecans.
Oh, Lord, Walter,
I'll be a mess.
Obese.
My voice will change.
God'll get you for what
you're thinking, Walter.
Where are you getting
all this nonsense?
What did the doctor say?
I didn't ask him,
Walter, I was too upset.
And, besides, he was busy,
a waiting room full of patients.
Honey, why didn't you ask him
while he was examining you?
Obviously, you have never
been to a gynecologist.
Oh, Walter, so many
people have loved this face.
I wonder what
it's gonna look like
with 5 o'clock shadow.
Maude, it's time
that we found out
what the facts really are.
What are you doing?
I'm calling Arthur.
You are not calling
Arthur Harmon
at 3:00 in the morning.
Why not? He's a doctor!
Walter, I don't want
anybody to know
about the operation
until it's over.
Besides, you know what
a blabbermouth Vivian is.
Oh, Walter.
Walter, what's to become of us?
What's to become
of our love life?
- Absolutely nothing.
- You can say that again.
Maude, I love you,
and I'll always love you.
Oh, Walter, we'll
never be the same.
You'll no longer
find me desire...
Where are you going?
- To the bathroom.
- You see,
you're losing interest already.
Walter, if you're not
out in two minutes,
I'm selling the bed!
Hello, Arthur, it's Walter.
Listen, I gotta talk to you.
Well, you're a
doctor, aren't you!
Come on, I already took
a couple of aspirin, Arthur.
Arthur, this is urgent!
No, just come as you are.
I'll meet you at the back door.
Ah.
Okay, Walter, what's up?
And don't tell
me the toilet seat.
Okay, Maude, I'll
tell you what's up.
I just called Arthur, and I
asked him to come over.
Walter, I asked you not to!
You're driving yourself crazy,
and you're driving me crazy!
Now, once and for all,
we're gonna get
the facts from Arthur!
But why must it be Arthur?
Because Arthur is a doctor,
and he's my best friend!
Walter, two wrongs
do not make a right!
Coming.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm coming!
Come in, Arthur.
Arthur,
listen, sit down and
take off your coat.
I can't, I've got
nothing on underneath.
Well, you said,
"Come as you are."
I'll tell you something, Walter,
if you're not awfully sick,
I'm gonna be furious!
Arthur, it's Maude.
She has to have a hysterectomy.
I know that.
How do you know?
Dr. Dicehart told me.
He's a tenant in
one of my buildings.
Now, Walter, let me
tell you something,
today hysterectomies
tend to be a fad,
like Frisbees.
Lots of women are having
needless hysterectomies,
but not Dr. Dicehart's patients.
He's a very fine physician.
Arthur, Maude is so scared,
she hasn't slept
a wink all night.
Well, maybe I'd better
have a little talk with her.
She won't talk to you!
Oh, don't be too sure, Walter.
There are two things that
no woman can ever pass up,
a telephone and
free medical advice.
- Arthur...
- See?
Listen, Arthur,
maybe Walter is right.
Maybe I should talk to you.
Of course, Maudie,
any help I can be.
It's very sweet of you, Arthur.
- Here, let me take your coat.
- No, no, no, no.
I'll be more comfortable
with it on, thanks.
Arthur, if you keep your
coat on, you'll catch cold.
No! I... I got nothing
on underneath.
Catch cold.
Come on, sit down
over here, Maudie.
Now, listen,
I know all the things
that you're worried about.
Fuzz in the face,
fat farm fantasies,
the ugly duckling syndrome,
nothing but old wives' tales.
A hysterectomy is
a simple operation.
In fact, over at the
hospital, we refer to it as a
south-of-the-border
tonsillectomy.
That's hilarious, Arthur.
Uh, look, Arthur,
Arthur, I heard what you
said about old wives' tales.
But, Arthur, what I really
want you to tell me...
Oh, please, now, give
it to me straight, Arthur.
I mean about, you
know, when I... I mean,
you know, Walter and I...
Well, you know, it
takes two to tango.
Oh, you'll be able to dance.
That's not what I mean!
Oh?
Oh!
Oh, Maudie, I can't emph...
Emphasize too strongly,
not to worry.
Nowadays, with
pills and hormones,
you'll be like a new
woman, a classic,
like a 1928 Packard
with a rebuilt engine.
A 1928 Packard?
You know, Arthur, my
father had a '28 Packard.
You know where he kept it?
In the garage,
up on blocks.
Maude.
Arthur.
Now, don't worry, ol' buddy,
everything's gonna be just fine.
All you have to do is prove
to her that you will love her
as much after the
operation as you do now.
And you will, Walter.
Nothing is gonna change.
- Thanks, Arthur.
- Okay. Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Perfect weather for
your Indian summer sale.
Get out of here.
In my declining years, they
can bury me in a bunker.
Maude, darling, sweetheart.
What was that,
Walter, a mercy kiss?
There you go again!
I talk to you,
Arthur talks to you,
but nothing matters, huh, Maude?
Walter, Walter,
don't you understand?
Honey, it's not me I'm
concerned about, it's you.
Walter, you're...
You're so vibrant,
you're so vital,
you're so alive,
you're so virile.
I mean, you're such man
that I know in my heart,
when I turn into grandma Moses,
you're going to
cheat like a bandit.
That's it!
That's it!
That does it!
That's it!
Look, Walter,
if you think I'm going to
give you the satisfaction
of asking you what you're doing
in that bathtub, you're crazy.
Well, you are crazy,
so tell me what you're
doing in that bathtub.
One, I gotta get some sleep.
Two, I'll never convince
you of anything.
And, three, since
you're so positive
I won't find you attractive,
I better start getting
used to separate beds.
I see.
Okay, Walter. Goodnight,
dear, sleep well.
I am not too happy with
you at this moment, Maude.
This is the nicest thing
that's happened all night.
You forgot to feel
sorry for yourself.
Oh, oh, Walter, Walter.
You're so understanding,
you're so reassuring,
you're so... wet.
You know, darling, I
know it's childish, but...
I'm still scared to death
about the operation.
Not just that operation,
but any operation.
Well, uh, maybe we
ought to do something
to take your mind off it.
Oh, Walter, sweetheart, I
really have to get some sleep.
And I have to be at the
hospital at 9:00 for some tests.
Tests? What kind of tests?
Oh, just, they call it
a medical clearance.
It's just a routine,
you know, check-up
that they want to give me
before I go into the
hospital next week.
Oh, well, if
that's all, it is...
Walter, please.
Why not?
Honey, I'm not even
supposed to have breakfast.
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪