Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 21 - Walter Gets Religion - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

And so, in a very real sense,

God is our co-pilot.

With His written
word, The Bible,

He provides us
with a flight plan

for our lives.

In his Ten Commandments,



He gives us a seatbelt,

to hold us back from temptation.

He guides us

through pockets of turbulence.

And when we reach
our final destination,

He clears us for landing,

on the runways of the beyond.

In thanks to our Lord,

Let us take ten seconds

for silent prayer.

Let us pray.

I'm awake!

Amen.

I'd like to ask everybody
to be especially generous

in the collection this morning.

As you know,

we are dedicating our
social hall this evening.

And that new air
conditioning equipment,

and those fancy new
kitchen appliances

are going to put quite
a strain on our budget.

We will be grateful,

whether you give
a hundred dollars,

or five dollars,

or one dollar.

Or a quarter.

And now, a few announcements.

The Christian Pet Lover's
Guild will meet Tuesday,

and the topic of
discussion will be

"St. Bernard, The
Holy Man and The Dog".

Our Ladies' Aid
Society is sponsoring

a bake sale next weekend,

with proceeds going
toward paying the debts

on our new social hall.

Now, let us turn to page 123

of your hymnal.

Hymn number 421.

♪ Praise God, ♪

♪ from whom all
blessings flow ♪♪

I don't wanna make
a big thing out of this,

-But I have never,
-but I have never,

-been so embarrassed
-been so embarrassed...

In my entire life.

Will you stop repeating
everything I say?

I'm not repeating, Walter.
I'm one step ahead of you.

- That is not funny, Maude.
- That is not funny...

Maude, cut it out.

You're no one to talk,
sleeping in church.

Oh, come on, Walter.

I'm not the first person who
ever fell asleep in church.

Pillars of the community do it.

Presidents have done it.

Let's face it, I'm just
not a churchgoer.

I prefer to stay at home
and read the paper.

Newspapers are not printed

to keep people out of church.

Oh, come on. If God had
meant everybody to go to church,

why would He have
made the Sunday Times

three hundred pages long?

Now, I suggest that

we just drop this
whole conversation.

I haven't been this bored since

Mike Douglas had
Mrs. Andy Granatelli

on as his co host.

In that case, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that the woman I love

can't share with me one of
the personal joys of my life.

Walter, another one
of your personal joys

is trying to take off
one sock at a time,

with your other foot,
instead of using your hands.

How do you know about that?

I've seen you.

You were sleeping.

I was pretending.

Well, it's not as
easy as it looks.

You should try it with
over-the-calf socks.

You should try
it with pantyhose.

Look, Walter, when you
first started going to church,

out of the blue,

six weeks ago, I
did not say a word.

Now, I think church
can be a very

uplifting, wonderful,
emotional experience

for some people. And if
you are one of those people,

then God love you for it.

Go and enjoy it.

But Walter, do not try to
drag me along with you.

Maude,

the family that prays together,

stays together.

That's beautiful, Walter.

You know, it
constantly amazes me,

how, at any given moment,

you can reach into your
golden bag of wisdom

and come up with one
clinker after another.

Maude.

And, besides, that's not true.

My first husband and I
prayed together all the time.

- What for?
- A divorce.

What have you got against
going to church with me?

Oh.

Walter, it all goes
back to my childhood.

I was kicked out
of the church choir

when I was twelve years old.

For what?

Singing.

Well, well, well.

Back, I see.

Now tell me, how was church?

Was Mrs. Pearson
wearing her new mink coat?

Oh, I didn't see her.

I'll bet Mrs. Morgan
had her hair tinted.

I heard she was gonna do it.

I don't know.

Was old Mr. Dudley
there with his new wife?

Um, I didn't notice.

Well, a fat lot of good it
does you to go to church.

You see, Walter?
That's what church is.

The National
Enquirer with candles.

Not to everybody, Maude.

A lot of people go to
church for very good reasons.

Granted, Walter.

And what are your
very good reasons?

Why at age 52 are you

suddenly so
interested in religion?

Because, uh,

it makes me feel good.

It makes me feel peaceful.

It's like,

remember Gary Cooper in
the movie Sergeant York?

You're reaching into your
golden bag again, Walter.

I asked you a question.

Remember Gary
Cooper as Sergeant York?

Yup.

Are you making fun of me?

Nope.

Then you'll listen?

Yup.

Sergeant York,

the biggest hero of
the first World War,

was a real heller.

He drank, cursed, fought.

And then one day,
all of a sudden,

in a moment of
divine inspiration,

he found religion and changed.

And that, in a way,

is how it happened to me.

Well, listen, Sarge,

if you're going out to capture
five hundred Germans,

would you bring me
back a dozen knockwurst

and a loaf of pumpernickel?

You know what your problem is?

You resent my going to church

because it makes
you feel guilty.

Oh, come on, Walter.
I do not feel guilty.

Come on, Maude.
It's as plain as day.

You feel guilty because you know

you should be
going to church too.

Walter, I do not need
an organized religion.

I mean, I try to do what
God expects of me, Walter.

I, I try to do unto others

as I would have them do unto me.

I, I obey the Ten Commandments.

At least nine of them.

What's that supposed to mean?

That's for me to know
and you to find out.

- Maude.
- Can I help it
if God invented dreams

and Paul Newman?

Now, Walter, come on,

as long as I lead my life
the way I think I should,

as long as I try to be
a decent human being,

I see no reason to
pray in a building.

And honey, if I went to
church just to please you,

I would feel like a hypocrite.

Oh, that will be Bert.

He's driving me to church.

Is that you, Bert?

Come on in.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Findlay.

We better be moving, Bert.

I want to get there first,

so I can get a seat
in the back row.

- What?
- In case I want
to sneak out early.

Oh.

Do you two go to
the same church?

Oh, no. I'm Church of England.

But Bert's church is
right across the street.

- So we go together.
- Yeah.

What church do you go to, Ma'am?

Oh, you see, Bert,

I, I don't belong to
any organized religion.

Bert's the same
way. He's Catholic.

You've no right to talk that
way about the Catholics.

I've every right.

I've been to Rome.

I have.

Somebody pinched me

right in the middle
of the Via Veneto.

Well, let her knock my
church if she wants to.

But everybody
knows the only reason

that Henry VIII started
the Church of England,

was just so that he
could get a legal divorce.

Now that sounds
like my kind of church.

Oh, please, come on, Bert.

You're windier than my minister.

Maude, I'll never convince you

that I'm right and you're wrong.

So from now on,
you can stay home.

But I'm gonna go,
because I get a lot out of it.

It's a deal.

But please, come with
me to the dedication

of the new social hall tonight.

It's important to me.

Of course, darling.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi.

Great galloping
galoshes, Walter!

Get ready. We tee
off at one o' clock.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Well, shake a leg, will you?

If we're not on
the first tee at one,

we'll lose our place.

Arthur, I don't know
why you even play golf.

Yesterday, all you did was

complain about
losing six new balls,

and, and, you had a
wind burn and a blister.

And you got snowed
out on the fourteenth hole.

I don't know why you bother.

Because,

it's the only chance
I get to have any fun.

Uh, here. Would you
guys like some coffee?

- No, thanks.
- I would.

You're drinking coffee

to awaken the sleeping
Madonna, Maude?

Now look Viv, don't you start.

I've just been through that
with St. Findlay of Assisi.

You know, speaking of church,

I had some very angry words

with Reverend
Williamson this morning.

Would you believe it?

He wants to use
the new social hall

as a center for
wayward teenagers.

Oh, Arthur.

You didn't tell him
you didn't want that?

Well, after all, it's our
money that built the hall.

I figured I had the right to
put my two cents worth in.

Arthur, don't be modest.

You put in a quarter.

The point is, Vivian,

if you open that social
hall to juvenile delinquents,

young punks and pregnant girls,

I guarantee, in three months,

they'll wreck the Coke machine.

I'm gonna get a
pot of fresh coffee.

Yeah, thanks, Viv.

You know, you
should be very happy

that Walter's going
to church, Maude.

He's getting an
awful lot out of it.

I know he is, Arthur.

He keeps telling me,

spiritual comfort and
peace of mind, uplift.

Sure, those too.

What do you mean, "those too"?

Oh, well, I really have
to hand it to Walter.

He really knew when
to come into the church.

It was like an
act of Providence.

Sure, he joins the
church, and one week later,

he gets the contract
for the appliances

and the air conditioning
in the new social hall.

That must be
worth $5,000 to him,

the lucky dog!

Walter is selling appliances

and air conditioners
to the church?

You mean he's making
money out of this?

Darn it! I let the
cat out of the bag.

Well, well, don't
be upset, Maude.

He probably wanted
to surprise you.

You know, husbands
like to do that.

I know. Bless his
ecclesiastical heart.

All ready, Arthur.

Dear Lord,

we thank Thee for
the peace of mind

you have given Walter Findlay

since he joined your church.

Oh, Walter, darling,
come kneel with me.

We thank Thee for
the spiritual comfort

and the moral uplift
You've given him.

Darling, please.

Kneel with me.

We thank Thee

for making him a better person.

But most of all,

we thank Thee
for allowing Walter

to unload five
thousand dollars worth

of merchandize on
the community church.

Maude, you are missing
a very important point!

I'm doing the church a favor.

I'm giving them
quality merchandise

at a very good price!

Twenty percent off!

Honey, I didn't know that.

Oh, Walter, that's wonderful.

Why didn't you... oh, Walter.

I'm, uh, I can see it all now.

Jesus Saves

At Findlay's
Friendly Appliances.

What do you mean you're
not going to that dedication?

Just that.

I wouldn't go that
church tonight

if Charlton Heston himself
were cutting the ribbon.

You've got to go.

Carol, Philip, everybody
we know will be there.

It'll look bad if you don't
come to that dedication.

Tough tabernacles, Walter.

Maudie, that's sacrilege.

Well, I agree with Maude.

I think what Walter
is doing is wrong.

Oh, knock it off, Viv.

Knock it off? I'm on your side.

Oh, I'm sorry,
honey. Force of habit.

There's nothing wrong
with what I've done!

Well, if there's nothing wrong,

then why did you
keep it a secret?

Look, I'm not on trial here.

I just forgot to
mention it, that's all.

It, it slipped my mind.

Slipped your mind?

That's hard to believe, Walter.

Coming from the
man who remembers

Sally Rand's chest measurements

from the 1933 World's Fair.

Well, Walter always
did have a good head

for figures.

Will you knock it off, Arthur?

Maude, it's me,
Walter, your husband.

I mean, do you really think
that I'd joined the church

to sell a lousy

five thousand dollars
worth of appliances?

Yes.

You actually think
that's important to me?

A measly five thousand dollars

is not important to me.

I wouldn't sell
my soul for that.

Of course he wouldn't, Maudie.

The community church is
going to set up social halls

all over Westchester county.

Walter could sell maybe

a hundred thousand
dollars worth of merchandise.

Now, that's worth
selling your soul for.

Please, Arthur, I beg of you.

Don't help!

I wish everybody
would get off my back.

I've done nothing wrong!

Of course not.

Business is business.

Worship at the altar
of the almighty dollar.

Walter, let's face it.

If you thought there
was money in it,

you'd be in hell right now

trying to sell the Devil
an air conditioner.

And it would probably be a
larger unit than he needed.

You know Maudie, you're
really being too hard on Walter.

You just don't understand

the reality of the
business world.

Now, Arthur.

Don't take Walter's side.

Take his side, Arthur.
It'll serve him right.

You women don't
understand business at all.

You know, what Walter is doing

is perfectly commonplace.

Well, even I'll admit

that I get a few extra patients

because I belong to the church.

Sure, I'll bet you ten dollars,

if you can name
me a single church

that doesn't have a few doctors

in the congregation trying
to drum up a little business.

Christian Science.

Maudie, you're not
really going to keep

my ten dollars are you?

Easy come, easy go.

You try to be a nice guy,

and you end up
feeding the whole family.

Come on, Vivian.

Oh, that just shows how
much know about life.

You can't feed a whole
family on ten dollars.

I'll tell you this, Maudie,

that ten dollars is
going to be added

to your next flu shot.

Okay, Walter.

Once and for all,
let's have this out.

All right, Maude.

I'm willing to admit
that I joined the church

partially for business reasons.

- Oh!
- But that doesn't make me
a hypocrite.

It so happens that I
like to go into church.

I like the words.

I like the singing.

I like the good feeling
I have when I walk out.

You said the same thing

after we saw "Gidget
Goes Hawaiian".

Okay, don't go.

I'll go by myself.

Without my wife by my side.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Good.
- Good.

But I want you know,
that I'm not doing it for me.

I'm doing it for the future.

I want to leave
the money to you,

to Carol and Philip
and Philip's children,

and his children's children.

Walter, if you want to
leave something that matters,

why don't you
leave them a legacy

of honesty and
integrity and good faith?

Honesty, integrity
and good faith?

Boy, you women don't know
anything about business.

Hey, Mrs. Naugatuck,

aren't you back from
church awfully early?

I didn't go.

Bert and I had a tiff.

That's the last time
I'll let him talk me into

going to his church.

He tried to convert me!

Right in the church?

No, right in his convertible.

I should have been suspicious

when he when he said he
wanted to stop at a motel

for a Bible.

Maude, one last chance.

Won't you go with me?

Honey, if you're talking
about the dedication,

absolutely not.

If you're talking
about the motel...

Never on Sunday.

Hey, Grandpa,
Grandma, guess what?

They're gonna have
ice cream and cookies

at the dedication tonight.

Here, catch.

Philip, try to
steal this from me.

Hey, that's very good.

How come you're suddenly
so interested in basketball?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'm like you.

How come you're suddenly
so interested in church?

Go ahead, Grandpa, tell him.

Tell him all five
thousand reasons.

- Later, Philip.
- Good.

Who wants to hear all
five thousand reasons?

Okay, Maude.

I want you to tell
Philip something.

You tell him why his grandmother

is the only member of our family

not going to that dedication.

I'm going to tell
him the truth, Walter.

That his grandfather
is a hypocrite,

who only goes to church
to pray for more money.

Do what you want.

Destroy my
grandson's image of me.

But remember, it'll be
your burden to bear.

Here he is.

Go ahead, tell him
why you're not going.

Not going where?

Philip, your grandmother is
not going to the dedication.

Why not, Grandma?

Honey,

look, now try to understand.

I'm not going because,
your grandfather...

What, Grandma?

Because your grandfather...

Because your grandfather
doesn't like my hair.

But that's his problem
'cause I'm going anyway.

Before anybody goes,

I'd like to know one thing.

What kind of a
bird laid this egg?

Hmm?

Aren't you glad you came?

Not one five thousandth
as glad as you are, Walter.

Cut it out, Maude.

I want to introduce you
to Reverend Williamson.

Reverend Williamson?

I'd like you to meet
my wife, Maude.

Oh, it's nice to have
you here, Mrs. Findlay.

Oh, I was here this morning

and really enjoyed your sermon.

Thank you so much.

It's nice to see you awake.

Ladies and gentlemen, folks.

Ladies and gentlemen, may
I have your attention please?

Now,

this is a very special
day for our church.

And we owe a lot of thanks
to a lot of good people.

But I'd like to single out
one new church member,

who has taken the responsibility

of supplying and installing

five thousand dollars
worth of air conditioning

and appliances,

Mr. Walter Findlay.

Come on up here, Walter.

Come on up here, Walter,
where we can all see you.

Speech! Speech!

Have your lovely
wife will join us, too.

Come on.

Now then, now then,
if Mrs. Armstrong

will be good enough to
put a bulb in her brownie,

we will get a picture of me,

giving Walter Findlay a check,

for five thousand dollars.

Thank you, Reverend Williamson.

Gosh, it gives me such
pleasure to serve God,

I really shouldn't be
taking this money.

Do you really mean that?

Well, uh...

You will never regret it.

Folks, do you hear that?

Walter Findlay has just donated

$5,000 for the
welfare of the church!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪♪

Maude, my money.

Honey, you'll get
your reward in Heaven.

What good is $5,000 in Heaven?

No good, Walter.

That's the hell of it.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪