Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 20 - Walter's Pride - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ is love, sweet love ♪

So you can it. Can it!

Hi, folks.

- Hello, dear.
- Hello, ducks.

Guys, guys, cut it out.



And what's the problem?

When Mr. Findlay
left this morning,

he specifically said he wanted

steak and kidney pie with
mashed potatoes for dinner.

And I say there will
be no mashed potatoes.

Mr. Findlay is turning
into a walking fat farm.

He is another potato like
I need a silicone injection.

He is gaining weight, isn't he?

Gaining weight?

If he knew how to fly, he
could rent out his tushie

as the Goodyear Blimp.

I mean, I-I've never
seen him this way.

He only eats this way
when he's depressed.

Mrs. Naugatuck, come here!

There will absolutely not
be steak and kidney pie

with mashed potatoes!

We are having broiled trout

and a salad with diet dressing!

Is that clear?

Yes, mein Führer!

Oh, that's really amusing.

Remind me to give you a raise.

Oh! Thank you.

Uh, when does it start?

When Hell freezes over!

Got any idea what's
bothering Walter?

Oh, no, but I'm sure it
has to do with money.

I-I-I...

You know, he's-he's just...

He's just not himself.

I mean, I-I ask
him what's wrong,

and he says, "Nothing, Maude,

except we have to
cut down on expenses."

And he runs around the
house turning off the lights

and stuffing his face.

It's like being married to
an owl with a tapeworm.

Walter, darling!

Why are all the lights on?

Because it's nighttime.

That's no excuse.

I'll help you off
with this, Tubby.

Nobody understands me.

We gotta cut down on expenses.

Every time I come home,

the place looks like
a Christmas tree.

It's not a joke and
nobody listens.

Walter, must you talk
with your mouth full?

And another thing, Maude,

it's like a furnace in here.

Can't we do something
about the heat?

It's costing me a fortune!

Mrs. Naugatuck,

would you mind turning
down the thermostat?

Turn it down to 60.

If you don't mind, sir,

I'd, uh, like to
turn it down to 32.

Thirty-two?

That's right, sir,

I get a raise when
this place freezes over.

Bills, bills, bills.

- Good evening, Walter.
- Good evening.

Bills, bills, bills.

He practically
lives in the kitchen!

His favorite room.

He can feed his
face and read the mail

by the light of
the refrigerator.

Bills.

Nothing but bills, bills, bills.

Why can't we get junk
mail, like everybody else?

If we did, you'd
probably eat it.

- Hmm.
- Walter, what's wrong?

There's not enough salt
in this steak and kidney pie.

Walter, that's our dinner!

Now, look, Walter,
something has got to be wrong.

There's absolutely
nothing wrong, Maude!

All right, we'll
discuss it your way.

Well, why do you come home,

night after night,

-screaming like a
crazy man -Maude.

- And turning into the...
- Maude!

I don't understand
a word you're saying.

Give me back my snack!

Not until you tell
me what's wrong.

No!

Walter, I'm your wife.

I'm your partner in this life.

You've got to tell me
what's wrong, Walter,

you've got to.

Okay, Maude, you wanna know?

I'll tell you and
then you'll know.

If I don't come up
with some money

by the end of next week,

Findlay...

Findlay's Friendly
Appliances goes bankrupt.

Two weeks behind in my payroll,

and the bank won't give me
any more extensions on my loans.

Walter, how much money
do we have to raise?

A lot.

Well, how much?

$12,000.

Oh, good Lord.

Since when did
you turn Catholic?

Since we became paupers.

I will leave no church unturned.

Honey, why didn't you
tell me about this before?

I didn't want to
bother you, Maude.

What was I supposed to do?

Come to you and cry?

Men don't cry, Maude.

I'm 52 years old.

And in all my life,

I don't think I've seen
a half a dozen men cry.

I've never cried in
front of you, Maude.

I mean, you've
never seen me cry.

Look at this, I'm crying.

Oh, honey, honey,

there isn't a human being
in the world who hasn't cried.

I'm scared, Maude.

I'm a fat man, and I'm scared.

Honey, everything's
gonna be all right.

Maude, I've already
borrowed on everything.

The life insurance, the cars.

Listen, the way the
economy is going,

the small businessman
doesn't have a chance.

Remember Sam Lewis?

The bathroom fixture
king of Tuckahoe?

Right into the toilet.

He filed for bankruptcy.

They're not building
any more houses,

so he went broke.

Honey, how about getting a
loan from the Government?

The Government?

They'll only bail you
out if you're Lockheed,

Franklin Bank,

the Pennsylvania Railroad.

With the Walter Findlays
of the country, Maude,

all we get is a slap on
the back, a "win" button,

and a pep talk
from Eliot Janeway.

It's a fool's game, Maude.

Now, listen, Walter, look,

I don't want you
to say anything.

Now, look, li... listen
to me, Walter. Please.

Under the circumstances, Walter,

the house is free and clear.

- Maude.
- No, we'll borrow on it.

No, the house is yours.

The house is ours, Walter.

It just happens
to be in my name.

Maude, the house
is your security,

it is your nest egg!

Now, listen, this is my problem.

It is our problem, Walter.

Now, why shouldn't
we borrow on it?

Give me one good reason.

Maude, I built Findlay's
Friendly Appliances.

Thirty-two years ago, I
started the long, long climb,

but I needed no outside
help. I did it all by myself!

I am Horatio Alger.

I am independent and proud.

I am an American success story!

Walter, I asked you
for one good reason,

not a "Bicentennial Minute!"

I'm not taking charity
from you or anybody else.

Oh, come, Walter, it's
not charity, it's a loan.

I already lost the
loan on the insurance.

What if I lose the $12,000?
They'll take away the house.

Honey, I love you.
Walter, who cares?

I care! I'm not gonna
borrow money from my wife.

And that's it! Case closed!

All right, all right, all right.

How about asking
Arthur for the money?

I'm not gonna borrow
money from Arthur.

That's the quickest
way to lose a friend.

Now, listen to me, Walter,

either you ask
Arthur for the money

or I'm gonna mortgage the house.

And, look, if Arthur
needed money,

you would be the first
person he'd come to, right?

- Right.
- Right.

So stick him
before he sticks you.

All right, Walter, out with
it. What in the world is it?

Okay, Arthur.

I'll give it to you straight.

Can you lend me some money?

That's it? That's
the whole thing?

Why didn't you come
right out and say so?

Look, I'm your friend.

If you want my right
arm, you got my right arm.

If you want a pint of my blood,

you got a pint of my blood.

Look, if you need money, Walter,

I'd be insulted if
you didn't ask me.

How much do you want?

$12,000.

Would you take a pint of blood?

I'm sorry I asked
you, Arthur, forget it.

$12,000!

Keep it down.

Does the whole world
have to know I'm a failure?

Walter, you're not a failure.

Arthur, if I don't
raise that money

by a week from
tomorrow, I lose everything.

Oh, come on, you're
just a little strapped.

I know how it feels.

Listen, these times
are tough for everybody.

If I had the money,
I'd love to loan it to you.

I-I just don't have it.

Look, all you gotta do is

buck up and pull
yourself together.

Listen to Sam Lewis there.

- Arthur.
- Hey, Sam,

could I have a
minute of your time?

Come on over and
cheer Walter up, will ya?

- Hi, Walter.
- Hi, Sam.

Pour me another
round for Sam and me.

And another glass
of milk for Walter.

On me.

Sam, I was just
telling Walter here.

Now, you just went bankrupt.

He just lost his business.

But look at him.

You don't see him sitting
around the house moping.

I can't.

I lost the house, too.

I can't even pay
my dues at the Club.

This is my farewell
drink tonight.

Arthur, he's amazing!

Sam, how can you be so happy?

You just lost your
plumbing business.

That's right.

Now, I haven't even got a pot.

Look, Walter,

it's all in the way
you look at things.

No matter how rough things get,

once you make up your mind,

you can always do
something about it.

I mean, do you really think so?

Of course.

I'll guarantee.

I'm not gonna sit around
feeling sorry for myself.

I couldn't take that.

I've got too much pride.

Me, too.

Yeah, but I'm gonna
do something about it.

You hear that brave man, Walter?

Do you hear that?

I guess you're right, Arthur.

That is the power
of positive thinking.

Now that is courage, Walter.

You don't hear him whining.

You certainly don't.

You know, he's an inspiration.

Ah-ah... oh,

I'm sorry, Walter,
but that's my drink.

Oh, I'm sorry, and thanks.

I'm not supposed to
have that stuff, you know.

It's poison to me.

Uh, yeah, me, too.

Ah, what the hey!

We only live once.

Here's to it.

Good luck, Sam.

Down the hatch.

Sam,

you really are an
inspiration to me.

I gotta tell you something, Sam.

I know you're not
gonna believe this,

but when I woke up this morning,

for... just for a second up,

a fleeting second,

a thought crossed my mind.

I looked into the mirror

and I said,

only for a second, mind you,

"Walter,

why don't you do yourself in?"

Yeah! How about that?

Sam!

Oh, boy!

Oh, boy!

Mrs. Naugatuck, hasn't
Dr. Harmon arrived yet?

- Not yet.
- Oh.

By the way, ma'am,

Mr. Findlay's got
hold of that chicken

we were going to
have for dinner tonight.

Oh, is there any left?

Only the part where
the egg drops out.

Oh, poor Walter.

I mean, he was
eating like a horse

before his friend,
Sam, killed himself.

But this past week,
he's just been impossible.

Oh, madam,

if Mr. Findlay's still worried
about losing the store,

I'd like to help out.

I've got $300 stocked
away in my stocking.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck,

that's awfully
sweet of you, but...

As a matter of fact, I can let
you have it now if you want it.

Oh, no, please, not now.

No, don't raise your skirt.

If Mr. Findlay sees your
leg, he's liable to bite it.

Well, it's there if you need it.

Maude,

I thought Mrs. Naugatuck
was gonna let out my pants.

Walter, she's been letting
them out as fast as she can.

You've been letting
yourself out even faster.

I mean, Walter, it's
impossible to keep up with you.

It's called fat lag.

I'm goin' upstairs, Maude.

Call me the minute
dinner's ready.

Walter, I have never known
you to give up like this.

Aren't you even gonna
try to save the store?

What the hell for?

I'm on the verge of bankruptcy.

Doesn't make any
difference if it happens today,

tomorrow.

I'm going broke.

Only a miracle can
save me, Maude.

And you haven't been a
Catholic long enough for that.

Walter, I am not going
to let you give up like this!

I cannot... Oh, thank heaven.

- I'm sorry, Maudie, I meant to be here...
- Shhh.

I'm sorry, I meant
to be here sooner,

but I've been all over town
trying to raise the money.

I've asked everybody,
even my doctor friends.

But their money's all tied
up in medical buildings.

Well, listen, I found
the money, Arthur.

I mortgaged the house
and I raised $12,000.

Now, look, here is
a cashier's check.

I want you to deposit
it to your account

and tell Walter that
you raised the money.

Maudie, I already told you,

- I cannot do that.
- Oh.

I cannot lie to my best friend.

You have to Arthur.

Look what's happening to him.

He's eating himself
into an early grave!

I know! I know, I tried
to talk to him about that.

You know what happened?

He threatened me
with a leg of lamb.

Now, Maudie, you
take this check,

and you just give
it to him yourself.

Arthur, I can't do it.

Every time I bring it
up, he raises the roof,

him and that
ridiculous male pride.

Now, look, Arthur, you
have to do this for me.

You have to do it
for Walter, please.

Now, look, just make up a story

about how you raised the money.

Just keep it short and simple.

Walter! Walter, dear,
Arthur wants to talk to you.

Maudie, I need
more time, please.

I'm no good at
making up stories.

Oh, nonsense, you're a
doctor, you do it all the time.

Hi, Arthur.

You know, you're
a very lucky fellow.

If you were a woman and
you came downstairs like that

I'd start boiling water
and timing your pains.

That's not funny, Arthur.

When's dinner?

Walter, listen dear,

Arthur has some
wonderful news for you.

Tell him, Arthur.

Tell him? Tell him?

Oh, tell him. Yeah.

Uh, Walter,

uh...

uh...

- Let me put it another way.
- Oh.

Now, about the
$12,000 you wanted,

now, I didn't have it
when you asked for it...

Oh, Arthur, Arthur.

Well, now l-look,
a lot of people think

that the medical
profession is fine right now,

but you know the
money isn't coming in

- the way it used to.
- Oh.

I-I mean, s-some
people are actually

postponing operations and...

Oh, oh, look,

I-I pick up a tonsillectomy
here and a gallbladder there,

but they're holding back
on the big stuff, Walter.

Arthur, tell Walter
about your aunt.

Well, she had a nose
job and a hysterectomy.

Arthur, Arthur,

tell him about your rich aunt.

My rich aunt?

Oh! My rich aunt. Yes.

Well, she paid me back
some money she owed me,

so I have a little
extra cash now...

Oh, Arthur, Arthur, one
of your patients just called.

- And she'd like to know if you could...
- Vivian.

- If you could...
- You were saying, Arthur.

Well, I-I-I... what I'm
gonna do, Walter is,

I'm gonna write you
out a check for $12,000,

and you can meet the
payment at the bank.

A check for $12,000?

Isn't that wonderful, Walter?

Vivian, stop gnawing.

And-and then later on when
you get back on your feet, uh,

you can pay me back
whenever you want.

Oh, Arthur!

Oh, Arthur!

Arthur!

Arthur, I... I feel like
a condemned man,

who's been given a
reprieve. You saved my life!

Oh, Walter, I'm a
doctor. Life's my game.

Besides, it is nothing.

Oh, nothing? How can
you say it's nothing?

- Arthur, you're so good!
- No.

- You're so humane, Arthur.
- No.

- You're so perfect.
- No, no.

You're just a god.

- No, please, Vivian!
- You're an absolute god.

I'm just so proud of you.

Here you've been
complaining about money,

and then you turn right.

Oh, you're just a god, Arthur.
You're an honest-to-God, god.

- Wait!
- Arthur.

Arthur.

Ah!

I can't let you do this, Arthur.

He can do anything he
wants, Walter, he's a god.

Walter, I'm... I'm
just so happy for you.

I'm so proud of you, Arthur.

Oh, Arthur, that
you should do this,

you're not only a
god, you're a saint.

A real saint!

Oh, come on, please, Walter.

I'm not even close
to being a saint.

Arthur!

Arthur!

Arthur, give me a big big hug!

Oh, now, Walter,
that's too much!

- I'm gonna give you a kiss!
- Oh, no, wait!

I love you, Arthur! I love you.

Maude, help! Help!

Oh, that's enough! Stop it!

It's not even my money.

Arthur.

Ow.

I'm sorry, Maudie. I
cannot be a false god.

Not your money,
what does that mean?

Would you believe he won the
Reader's Digest sweepstakes?

Maudie, here. I'm sorry,
here's your check back.

Walter, I just want you to know,

if I had the money,

I would've loaned it to you.

Arthur, Arthur, does this
mean you're not a god?

In a way, Vivian.

Okay, Maude, where'd
you get $12,000?

Mrs. Naugatuck and I earned it

working both
sides of the street.

Maude.

- I mortgaged the house.
- You what?

Oh, come on, honey, I
know you didn't want me...

You mortgaged
the house when I...

Honey, honey...

Don't honey me!

You deliberately went
against my wishes.

I am mad, Maude!

I am really mad!

Walter.

Walter, what are
you going to do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do!

I'm gonna make a
sandwich this big!

That's right, Walter,
go ahead! Go ahead!

I mean, who cares that you've
already had one heart attack.

Now, go ahead,
solve your problem

the way your good
friend, Sam, solved his.

Oh, he really came up with
a great solution, didn't he?

Oh, sweetie, you forgot
the mozzarella cheese.

Or, I mean, since you're
going to kill yourself anyway,

it's a great artery clogger.

I understand that Mrs.
Lewis and the children

are at home laughing
hysterically over the way

Sam solved his problems.

I don't want any
lectures, Maude!

If I want to kill myself,
that's my business.

Yeah, but... while you're
killing yourself, Walter,

you're also killing me.

Now, listen Maude, I'm a man.

A man who's never taken
anything from anybody,

and a man who's
not gonna start now.

Well, come on, you would've
taken the money from Arthur!

Oh, that's different,
he'll get by.

I'm not gonna risk losing
the only security you have!

Walter, the only security I have

is in me and in you!

Beyond that I...

I think you're the most
selfish person I've ever met.

Selfish?

Me?

Yes, you, Walter.

You want the pleasure
of sharing with me,

but you won't let me have

the pleasure of
sharing with you.

I mean, Walter, we share
our days and our nights.

Now, what's more
important, sharing the money

or sharing the days and nights?

Because if sharing the
money is too much for you,

Walter, then... maybe
we shouldn't be sharing

the days and nights.

What you gonna do,
Maude? Leave me?

You seem determined
to leave me, Walter.

Okay, Walter, that's your
appetite, your attitude.

Here, here.

Let's not forget dessert.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, Walter, please,
don't walk away from our life.

Now listen, Maude.

Maude.

Do you see what you've
turned us into, Walter?

Laurel and Hardy,

except that you're
not only the dumb one,

you're also the fat one.

And the joke, Walter,

is our marriage.

Maude, our
marriage isn't a joke.

Our marriage and you

mean more to me than anything.

Pride,

money, business...

Then, Walter, listen,
for the last time,

will you please,
please! For the last time,

will you please, take
the ridiculous check?

Yes.

- Walter, I love you.
- I love you.

- Oh.
- Oh, Maude. Muah.

Oh, honey, stop licking me!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude... ♪