Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 22 - The Cabin - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizing ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

♪ Oh, what a
beautiful morning... ♪

All right, Maude, I'm
sorry. I said I was sorry.

All I said up there
in bed, was...

I know, I know.

All you said was,
"Not now, Maude.

Not before I've had my coffee."



Please, Maude!

You, please...

♪ Oh, what a beautiful day. ♪

Oh, Lord.

What are Mother and
Walter arguing about

this early in the morning?

Really, Carol.

When two people are
in their bedchamber,

I am not one to eavesdrop.

Since when?

Since your mother
opened the door suddenly,

and I impaled myself
on the bedpost.

Oh, now, look, Maude,
I said I was sorry!

You are not sorry, Walter.

Let's face it, all the romance
is out of our marriage.

- It is not!
- It is too!

Good morning, lovebirds.

See, even Carol
says we're lovebirds.

That's because our relationship

bears such a striking
similarity to Heckle and Jeckle.

Maude, you're being unfair.

Unfair?

Walter, what would you
say about a man who,

when his wife leans over to
kiss him good morning, says,

"Not now. Not before
I've had my coffee"?

Please, Maude,

this is not a movie.

When Robert Redford wakes up

and leans over and
kisses Barbra Streisand

before he's had his coffee,

he's only doing it

because they're paying
him a million dollars.

A million dollars
for Robert Redford?

Money well spent.

V8 juice, sir.

Start the day with that
extra little morning dash.

I've already had
my morning dash.

Yeah, right past me.

Boy, isn't he in a
bloody awful mood?

Mrs. Naugatuck, you'll
have to excuse Mr. Findlay.

I woke up on the wrong
side of his bed this morning.

No, ma'am.

If there's a man in your room,

there is no wrong
side of the bed.

Boy, what a great world
this would be without women.

Yeah, it would be
worth it, just to watch you

having labor pains.

If you'll excuse me,

I'll read the newspaper
in the delivery room.

Mother, I'm on my
way to the library.

Anything you want
me to pick up for you?

Oh, yeah, honey,
while you're there,

there's a book called
"The Joy of Sex".

Yes, Mother?

Yeah, if you come
across it, burn it.

Oh! Hello, Carol.

Hello, Vivian. Goodbye, Vivian.

I'd stay and talk to you
but I have to go to the library

and burn "The Joy
of Sex" for Mother.

Oh, Carol, I've read
"The Joy of Sex".

If you're gonna burn
it, memorize it first.

Oh, Maude, what a glorious day!

You'll just never guess

how Arthur woke
me up this morning.

Vivian, whatever he did,

I don't wanna hear about it.

Oh.

First, he kissed me, and then

he put his cute little
stethoscope in my ears...

and he whispered,

"Ha, ha, ha."

"Testing. One, two, three."

I see. The famous Panasonic
hi-fi stereo upchuck test.

And then, he put the
other end to his heart,

and he said, "Do you
hear that beat, Cutlet?

That's the beat of love."

Vivian, that is so
corny, so hokey.

So then what happened?

Oh, then he said to
me to pack a few things

because he's got us a
cabin at Lake George

for the weekend!

Just like that, out of the blue.

Isn't that marvelous?

Oh, it's marvelous, Viv.

So I was wondering if I could borrow
your old Mackinaw to take along.

Though I probably won't
be needing it, of course,

with Arthur to keep me warm.

Oh, ho!

We're going to a cabin!

Oh, he just, he just makes me

tingly, tingly, tingle!

He ups and does
something like this

on the spur of the moment.

Although I guess it's just
part of being newlyweds.

Oh, come on, Vivian,
you're hardly newlyweds.

Your ring finger's
already turned green.

Oh, yeah?

You know that
bearskin rug in the den?

You're kidding, Viv.

Why do you think
the bear is smiling?

Well, thanks for the coat.

Oh, have a wonderful time, Viv.

Oh, thank you! You
have a wonderful time, too,

doing whatever it is you

cozy, comfy, old marrieds do.

I'm just so tingly!

Oh, where have we gone wrong?

Where have we lost our way?

I didn't lose the way. I
was going from the den

to the kitchen and
came back here.

Look at us, Walter. Look at us!

All the joy, the spontaneity,

and the excitement
is out of our marriage.

Walter, we don't even
own a bearskin rug.

You won't let me keep
a gun in the house!

Walter, don't you see?

Our marriage has become

warm, safe, secure.

- Right.
- And boring, Walter!

Boring, boring, boring!

We have not one single
tingle left in our marriage.

- Please, Maude.
- Oh, Walter, honey.

Remember when we
first started going together,

you used to put on
that corny straw hat

and play that hokey
ukulele and sing,

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪

- ♪ No, sir, I mean... ♪
- Maude,

you've always hated
it when I did that.

I know. How come
you don't do it anymore?

- But, Maude!
- You know, you come home now,

I say, "I love you", you grunt,

take off your shoes
and check the TV Guide.

I mean, Walter, we don't even
talk to each other anymore.

Okay, Maude, let's talk.

How'd it go today?

I just got up, Walter!

I tried.

Oh, darling, don't you
see what's happened to us?

Walter, our
lifestyle is so-so dull,

so monotonous,

so-so predictable.

It is not predictable!

That's exactly what I
predicted you'd say.

Come on, Maude!

Walter, doesn't it bother you

that there are people
our ages who...

Who still have romance
in their marriages,

like-like our next
door neighbors.

The Greenblatts are romantic?

I'm not talking about
the Greenblatts, Walter,

I'm talking about
Arthur and Viv.

You know how Arthur
woke Viv this morning?

He stuck his
stethoscope in her ears.

Whispered sweet nothings.

Well, I'm no doctor, Maude,
will you settle for Q-tips?

I'm sorry.

You know what else Arthur did?

He told Vivian to
pack a bag because,

on an impulse, he
got them a cabin

up at Lake George
for the weekend.

Come on, Maude,
that wasn't any impulse.

I mean, you know Arthur.

Chances are somebody
gave him a key to their cabin.

Yeah, but Walter, let
me ask you something.

If somebody had
given you the key,

would you have gone up there?

- Just like that?
- Of course.

Like that.

You would?

Honest, Maude.

I'd come home,

tell you to throw a
few things together

and we go off and
spend the weekend

in each other's arms.

Honey, do you really mean it?

Of course, I do.

Oh.

You're tickling my ear.

- I love your ear.
- Oh, Walter, I'm so sorry...

Your neck.

That I yelled at you.

Your nose.

Oh, there you are, Walter.

Hey, listen, I just
wanted to stop by

before we go wildering.

Thank ya, ol' buddy, for
giving me that key to the cabin.

He gave you that key?

Oh, hi, Maudie.

Sure, didn't he tell you?

See, this business
acquaintance of his

offered him the use
of this neat cabin.

Thanks a lot, Arthur.

You're welcome, Wally.

And since he
didn't want to use it,

good old Walter passed
the key along to me.

Thanks.

Wait a minute, Maude.
Now, wait a minute.

Now, let me explain!

Now, about that key...

Yeah, you know what you
can do with that key, Walter?

Just like that.

But, but...

You could do the
exact same thing

with that stethoscope
of yours, Arthur!

Wait a minute, Walter,
I don't understand.

Why are you attacking
my stethoscope?

Because you have a big mouth!

Now, look, Maude and I
are going along with you two,

up to that stupid cabin.

We'll be ready in a minute.

Now, hold it, hold it!
Now, wait a minute, Walter.

I'm not at all sure how
Vivian would feel about that.

I couldn't care less.

If she's unhappy,
we'll go alone.

Forget it, Walter!

In the mood you're in,

I wouldn't go anywhere
with you alone!

- Maude?
- I have something
very important to do.

But, Maude!

Wait, this is something
that can't wait.

Hello, uh, Sunshine
Village Retirement Home?

Yes, I'm calling on behalf
of Ma and Pa Findlay.

Now, come on, Maude.

All right, now.

You want the spontaneity,
I'll give you spontaneity.

Guess what?

We're going with the
Harmons, up to that cabin.

That's about as
spontaneous as gas

after a Mexican meal.

Maude!

Oh, besides, I wouldn't dream
of ruining Vivian's vacation.

You know, the woman
is planning on an exciting,

romantic weekend
alone with Arthur,

which in itself will be
enough of a disappointment.

Maude, how could you!

Oh, come on, now, honey.

- I have nothing to...
- How would you call yourself

my best friend,

trying to ruin my weekend?

- Vivian, I have no intention...
- Oh, you interloper!

You don't even
like rustic places.

You know you hate any
place away from the city.

You told me once,
when your time comes,

you want to be buried
in a shopping center.

Now, you listen to me, Vivi...

Now, you have no
right to ruin my weekend!

Just because you and Walter

might happen to be
a couple of old fogeys!

Now, wait a minute, Vivian.

Old fogeys?

Vivian, I am
forgiving that remark

only because it comes
from an insecure bride

in an ageing body.

An ageing b...

You're just jealous
because together,

you and Walter
are a 100 years old.

And Arthur and I are only 97.

Impossible. That
makes Arthur three.

Oh!

Oh, yeah?

Well, there's your dumb old key,
and there's your dumb old coat,

because we don't need
your dumb old cabin.

Unlike some dumb
old people I know,

who shall remain nameless,

Arthur and I can
find love and romance

and spontaneity at home.

Yeah, well, let me tell you
something, Vivian Harmon,

our marriage is every bit

as romantic and spontaneous
as yours is, any old day!

She's right, Walter.

We're a couple of old fogeys.

Right, we're a
couple of old fogeys,

but we're gonna do
something about it right now.

Come on, Maude.

Let's go up to that cabin

and have the time of our lives!

Oh, Walter, you say
that, but you don't mean it.

I mean it, Maude, I mean it!

Oh.

I'm sorry, Walter,

but after the way
you've acted today,

there's nothing
you could say or do

that would make
me feel any different.

Oh, yeah?

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪

♪ No, sir, I don't mean maybe ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby now ♪

♪ Yes, sir, we've decided ♪

♪ No, sir, we won't hide it... ♪

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- I'll go on one condition.
- What's that?

That you stop singing.

♪ Yes, sir, I'll stop singing ♪

♪ No, sir... ♪

♪ No, sir, I don't mean maybe ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby now ♪

Walter, oh, this is
gonna be such fun!

Honey, I just know we're
gonna have the time of our lives.

Oh, boy.

Oh, Walter, it's so,

ugh, rustic.

Ugh.

That's not the word
I would've used.

Oh, honey, we're gonna
have such fun up here,

roughing it in the wilderness,

in the great outdoors.

Where do I plug in my Waterpik?

Walter, that moose
must've been going awful fast

to put his head
through the wall.

Well, maybe he got homesick

and killed himself
trying to back out.

Honey, let's face
it, this place is awful.

It's so ugly, it is
so depressing,

but honey, we can
make it a paradise.

You're right.

Let's burn it down and go home.

Oh, come on now, Walter,

this is something new,
some excitement in our lives.

Besides, honey, this
will give us a chance

to rediscover each other.

- Okay, Maude.
- Okay?

Now, I'll tell you what.
Let's have a positive attitude.

Let's go out the door
and come back in again,

but this time, Walter,

let's pretend that it's
the penthouse suite

at the Waldorf Astoria.

If you say so.

Okay, now, to get us in
the proper romantic mood,

carry me over the threshold.

What?

- Pick me up...
- Pick you up?

And carry me over the threshold.

Well, as long as it's
the Waldorf Astoria.

Bellboy!

Come on, now, Walter.

- Okay, okay.
- All right, now, lift me up.

Come on, honey, lift me up.

Maude, there's only
one way I can do this.

I have to make two trips.

The Abominable Snowman
will get you for that, Walter.

Oh.

- It's cold, it's freezing!
- Ooh!

I'm gonna light a fire.

Oh, no, honey, first, let's just

bask in the warmth
of each other's bodies.

Maude, I can light the fire
very easily, it's all set up.

I don't wanna break
this romantic mood I'm in.

Besides, honey, I'll make
you forget about the cold.

Hmm.

Very sexy, Walter, what
were you doing new?

Shivering.

I love it. A vibrating mustache.

Maude, I'm gonna light the fire,

and you'll see it'll be
a lot more romantic!

Oh, I love fireplaces.

You know, honey,
when I was a little girl,

my grandmother had
this enormous house,

and the only heat
came from a fireplace.

And your grandmother loved it?

Oh, yes, till she
died of pneumonia.

Look, honey, it's smoking.

Op... open the door, Maude!

The flue must be stuck!

My God, this is exactly the
way my grandmother went.

- Let it open.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Come on.

Sit in front of the fire.

Maude.

Oh, honey, isn't this wonderful?

Ah, just you, me,
and the fireplace?

No television, no radio,

no Philip, no Carol,
no Mrs. Naugatuck.

I mean, we can just do
or say anything we want.

How about that?

Honey, how would you like to
run around in your underwear?

Maybe later.

Walter, have you
ever read fires?

Not the book, but
I saw the movie,

Towering Inferno.

Come on, now, Walter,
you know what I mean.

You can see pictures
in the fire, like, you see?

See that log over there, the
one with the two knotholes?

You know what that
looks like to me, honey?

Like a Shetland pony,

with its mane
whipping in the wind,

running across the meadow,

picking up lots
of forget-me-nots.

Honey, what kind of
pictures do you see in the...

In those blazing,
crackling logs?

I see a fire sale

at Findlay's
Friendly Appliances.

A big fire sale.

Besides, nature's calling.

Where's the bathroom, honey?

Oh, probably right
through that door.

Oh.

Look, Maude, there it is.

Right through those trees.

It's about a 150
yards down that path.

Oh, I'll wait.

I think I can hold
out till Monday.

Ah, Maude, I love you.

Oh, sweetheart, thank you.

You know what we're
gonna do now, Walter?

You know what we're gonna do?

First, I'm going to unpack,

then we'll get into our jammies,

and then,

we will retire.

I mean, after all, lover,
it's getting awfully late.

Yes, it's five after 6:00.

Come on, Walter, you
and I have had some

very romantic moments
at five after 6:00.

Okay, then what do
we do at ten after 6:00?

Look, Walter, I don't care.

We are going to have fun.

Walter, inspiration!

Inspiration!

It's inspiration
time, it's inspiration!

Why didn't I think
of this before?

- Walter, a stroke of genius!
- What?

Honey, you and I are
going to take a long walk

through the woods.

Hand in hand,
under the starry sky.

The snow, the wind,

the sheer poetry of two souls.

Maude, I'm not going out there.

There are bearskin rugs
out there that aren't rugs yet.

All right, Walter,
you be that way.

Forget romance!

Forget all those promises
you made to me about

doing things on the
spur of the moment.

But I'll tell you
one thing, Walter,

I am still romantic
enough to take a long walk

through the woods,
communing with God.

If God's out there, he's driving
to the nearest Holiday Inn.

Oh, Walter, what
are we doing here?

- Well...
- Oh, don't rub it in.

I know it's all my fault.

Oh, Walter, I mean,
everything's against us,

the cold, this awful place,
we can't be romantic here.

Honey, let's go home.

What do you mean,
"Let's go home"?

- You said...
- I know what I said, Walter.

Oh, but let's face it,
we're not 20 anymore.

Honey, I just wanna be
in my nice, warm house,

listening to your
nice, warm snoring.

Oh, Walter, let's
be the-the happy,

old fogeys we really are,

and leave this
godforsaken place.

Hold on, Maude.

I admit this place is terrible.

And the only reason I'm
here is because I felt guilty,

because Arthur stuck that
stethoscope into Vivian's ears.

But I resent the
fact that you call us

two old, dull people.

I am not old, I am not dull!

And we're not
leaving this place.

We're not moving
out of this place!

I may not be Sir Galahad.

I may not even be
Prince Charming.

But I can be as romantic
and exciting as anybody.

Look, Walter, don't
give me your resume.

Tell me, why are you putting
these things on the floor?

Lie down.

On the floor?

No, on the moose!

Of course, on the floor.

- Lie down.
- Oh, come on, Walter,

don't be ridiculous.

- Maude, lie down.
- Oh, come on, Walter.

- Maude, we're gonna
spend the night here...
- I am not going...

- bundling, cuddling...
- I am not going to
lie down there, Walter.

Snuggling, whatever they
call it. Lie down, Maude.

- Walter...
- Maude! Down!

Now, lie here and appreciate it.

- Really, Walter.
- Shut up and bundle.

You know, Walter, you're...

You're outrageous.

You know, you're gorgeous?

I always wanted
to rough it with you.

Oh, Walter.

Oh, honey, you know,

this is really all
I ever wanted.

No, not the cabin,

I mean, just a little attention.

What do you mean?

Oh, sweetheart, that's all
any wife really wants, Walter,

just a little more attention
than she normally gets.

You know something, Maude?

We could be home,
or we could be here...

but it's the two of us together
that makes everything work.

Oh, Walter, we can
survive anything.

Well, we could spend
the whole weekend here

with no trouble.

Weekend? We could
stay here a week.

A month.

A year.

- Ten years.
- A lifetime.

Yeah, now that we've proved
it, let's get the hell out of here.

- Oh, boys! Surprise!
- Oh!

- Oh, Vivian!
- Yeah, it's us!

We decided we
weren't gonna sit home

and let you guys
have all the fun.

Oh, see, I... I-I can't tell you

how happy we are to see
you two wonderful kids.

You are?

Oh, I, I... you know, just...

We felt so terrible about
everything that happened,

and from the minute we
walked through that door,

we were just
miserable knowing that it

could've been you
up here instead of us.

Oh, thank you, Maudie.

It takes a big man
to admit he's wrong.

- Yes.
- And to show you

that our hearts are
in the right place,

we insist that you take
the cabin all to yourselves.

- Oh.
- Oh, no!

- No, that's not necessary!
- Yes, it is.

Oh, no, but you...

Oh, no, Maude! Oh, God!

Oh, wow.

Oh, you talk about friends.

Yeah, I'll say.

Ooh!

Oh!

It's-it's so romantic
and... woodsy,

a-a-and rustic,
isn't it, Arthur?

If you say so, Vivian.

Ooh!

Ooh, we're gonna
have so much fun

just roughing it
like two pioneers.

I wonder where I
plug in my Waterpik.

That'll be right here
in the bathroom.

Oh.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪♪