Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Kiss - full transcript

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪

♪ Right on, Maude. ♪

Walter, are you gonna
smoke that pipe or play it?

It's clogged.

Where...

Where are my...

Where are my...

Out with it, Walter.



Where are your...

what?

My pipe cleaners?

How should I know where
your pipe cleaners are?

Maude, I need something
long and fuzzy to clean my pipe.

Maybe you'd like me
to starch a caterpillar.

Alright, Maude, I
won't smoke my pipe.

Walter, will you stop?

You're driving me up the wall!

It's only been a week
since I took up pipe smoking.

- You'll get used to it.
- Never, Walter. Never.

Ashes all over the
floor, holes in the carpet.

Furthermore, your mustache
is beginning to turn yellow.

It's like kissing
a molting canary.

For crying out loud, a
man can't even enjoy a pipe.

I mean, what's wrong with that?

I've given up cigarettes
and I've quit drinking.

What other pleasures are there?

Which reminds me, Walter,

you seem to have
given that up, too.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you what I'm talking
about, Walter Findlay.

Your husbandly duties.

That's not true. I
took out the garbage!

I mean your number two
husbandly duties, Walter,

after the garbage.

I can't help it if
I'm tired, Maude.

With the inflation
and the high prices,

I've been workin'
my tail off at the store,

just so we could break even.

Oh, come on now, Walter.

This is one function we
cannot blame on Nixon.

Don't blame it all on me, Maude.

Sunday night I was awake.

Or was it Monday?

You know, honey,
I'm beginning to realize

what's happening to you.

The flashes of temper,

the pipe, the bedroom,
your new shoes,

they're all symptomatic.

What are you talking about?

These shoes are
the latest things.

They're stylish,
they're comfortable...

Take them off, Walter.

- What for?
- Take them off.

Maude?

Go ahead, Walter, take
them off and I'll show you.

Alright, I will.

Well. I mean, is it
a crime for a man

to wanna feel as
tall as his wife?

You poor man.

You know, Walter,
what's happening to you

is exactly what we saw on
that TV special the other night.

The one on pollution?

No, Walter. Male menopause.

- You gotta be kidding.
- I am not kidding, Walter.

You're exactly like
that man on the show.

The middle-aged
one with the mustache,

wearing the fancy sports
jacket, the high heels and...

And smoking the pipe.

For crying out loud, Maude,
that was Walter Cronkite.

I'm talking about the other man!

Well, I hate to
disappoint you, Maude,

but I am not going
through male menopause.

I mean, every time you
see a television show,

you become an
expert on something.

You're a putty in the
hands of the media, Maude.

Oh, very perceptive, Walter.

Particularly coming from a man

who keeps a shoebox full of
baseball cards under his bed.

All right, Maude, that's it!

I've had it!

I don't wanna hear
about it anymore.

I can't do anything
around this house.

You're the only one who could
do things around this house,

but not Walter.
Oh, no! Not Walter.

I can't smoke my own pipe,
wear my own high heels!

Oh, the hell with it.

I'm gonna go into the den
and be as tall as I want.

Why is this thing always stuck?

Kick it with one of
your high heels, Walter.

Oh, Maude!

Oh boy, just what I
needed, "Miss Tiny Tears."

Vivian, I love you, go home.

Oh, Maude. Arthur and I...

Arthur and I are having
the fight of our lives.

And you want to
bring it over here

to Madison Square Garden?

You don't understand.

It's all on account of
my little dog, Chuck.

Well, you know Arthur's
always hated Chuck.

He treats that
dog like an animal.

Vivian, will you have a heart?

You're talking to a
woman who just found out

her husband wears wedgies.

You don't care.

- Oh, all right, all right.
- You don't care.

Vivian, tell me about it.

Well, it all started
this afternoon

and it's all Arthur's fault.

He provoked poor little Chuck.

Little Chuck had no choice,
but to come up to Arthur

and do the worst thing
a dog can do to a man.

He lifted his leg.

And then Arthur...

did something unspeakable.

He retaliated.

He said, "an eye for an eye."

Walter, what the hell
are you doing now?

Going through male menopause.

Can't you go
through it in the den?

Don't start with me, Maude.

Will you please listen to me?

Arthur wants to give
Chuck away, Maude.

Oh, you know how much
that little dog means to me.

He's like my little baby.

Maude, please, won't
you talk to Arthur?

All right, all right,
all right, Vivian,

I'll save your marriage.

I'll talk to Arthur.

Anything is better than
standing here talking to you.

Walter, if you have
any compassion at all,

comfort this woman.

And Vivian, if you
have any sense at all,

don't listen to her.

Walter...

I'm so upset.

Vivian, I guarantee
you, I'm at least

twice as upset as
you are, maybe more.

You couldn't be.

Arthur is impossible.

Do you know what it's
like living with a man

who puts shoe
trees in his slippers?

Vivian, please don't cry,
you got it good, believe me.

Around here, every minute,

it's "Walter do
this, Walter do that.

God'll get you for this,
God'll get you for that."

It's like living with a
Billy Graham in drag.

I know I shouldn't
be doing this.

Psychologically, it's...

It's masochistically
self-destructive.

Where'd you hear
a thing like that?

From Maude!

She saw it on a
television program.

That's Maude, all right. She
thinks she knows everything.

I bet she's over there right now

analyzing Arthur in
deep psychological terms.

Arthur, you're a dummy.

Maybe so, but I'm gonna
be a dummy without a dog.

I don't trust that mutt.

He's manic depressive.

One minute he licks,
the next minute he barks.

Arthur, you're being
absolutely absurd.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Do you know what
Vivian does for that dog?

She makes home-cooked
meals for him.

She knits sweaters for him.

She even gets up in
the middle of the night

to take him for a walk.

She's never done that for me.

Arthur, you know what I think?

I think you're jealous.

Me, jealous of a dog?

A man maybe... but a dog?

I got more brains
in my little finger

than he's got in all four paws.

Don't tell anybody.
Will you, Maudie?

It's awful, a licensed physician
jealous of an unlicensed dog.

Arthur, listen to me.

Put aside your pride,

because this time you stand
to lose something very valuable,

and you should apologize.

Apologize to a dog?

I'm talking about Vivian.

Would you... You
think Vivian would...

Would leave me?

No. Arthur, Chuck is...

Chuck is her baby.

She thinks of him as her child.

For Vivian's sake, Arthur,

try to think of
Chuck as your son.

Chuck.

Son...

this is Arthur Harmon.

Dad.

I've been thinking the
whole thing over and, uh,

I'm gonna give you
one more chance.

You're welcome to stay.

Oh, I'm sorry, Walter.

I know I shouldn't
be doing this.

Oh, that's all right, Vivian.

Your tears are no
wetter than mine.

"Your tears are no
wetter than mine"!

That's poetry.

Oh?

You're lyrical.

Well, just a little.

But I really shouldn't
be bothering you like this.

That's all right, Vivian.
That's what friends are for.

You know, Walter,

if I were your wife,

I'd never treat you
the way Maude does.

I think you're a
very sensitive man.

Oh?

And very attractive too.

Attractive?

Well, I can't take
credit for that.

I mean, you either
are or you aren't.

And with a...

A sensitive man like
you needs under...

Understanding and... and care

and I don't think Maude is
capable of accepting that.

- And you need a man
who has patience.
- Mhm.

Arthur doesn't
understand anything.

Poor Chuck. I love dogs.

Somehow I knew you would.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, please. I love pipes.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

Oh, I think a pipe

makes a man look
so... distinguished.

- You know, Vivian?
- Mhm.

The perfect thing would be
a dog who smoked a pipe.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

It was a joke, Vivian.

Oh.

You're so witty.

That's another thing.

Maude doesn't appreciate
my sense of humor.

I think you have a
wonderful sense of humor.

I laugh at you all the time.

You can blow smoke rings, too.

Well, just...

when I feel like it.

This is ridiculous.

Uh, this is crazy.

What's happening to me?

What is it?

I... I don't know. I'm...

Well, I'm feeling
so much for you, uh,

so much for your problem.

Oh!

It's crazy!

What?

Well, for a second
there I felt like...

kissing you.

Oh, it's crazy!

Oh, no, no. No, it's not.

Don't...

Don't feel embarrassed, Walter,

because just for a moment,
I felt like kissing you.

But Arthur is my best friend.

And Maude's my best friend.

And there's nothing
between you and me, Vivian.

No, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Thank God, we're adult

and we don't have
to make a mistake

and complicate our lives.

That's right. Thank God.

Walter!

Vivian!

- Maude!
- Arthur!

- Vivian!
- Walter!

- Maude!
- Arthur!

May I borrow your dog?

Oh, how Lord?

Oh, how strange fate is.

Ow, ow.

Maude.

One minute happily married,
the next minute... poof!

Auf Wiedersehen.

Thank you, Walter.

I wanna thank you for
five-and-a-half wonderful years.

- Vivian...
- Maude, he...

Vivian, Walter likes those
little Curly Q Potatoes

with his pot roast.

Maude, I...

You keep the cars, Walter,
and I'll sell the house.

You can use Vivian's dishes
and of course, our sheets.

- Maude.
- Maude.

I'll keep the vacuum
and the fruit jars.

And we'll go halfsies
on the fondue forks.

Maude, will you listen to me?

- No.
- Would you, please?

I do have one
small favor though,

that the two of you stay
apart for three months.

By that time, I'll be
comfortably settled

in a monastery in Tokyo.

Arthur, I suppose
you'll be leaving, too.

I'm not going anywhere.

Vivian is not going to
take the easy way out.

She's staying with me.

Arthur, I'd never leave you.

Of course not. Why should you,

with him right next door?

Maude, it was just
a simple little kiss.

If you'd have come
in 10 seconds later,

it would have been all over.

I know, Walter. I know.

All over the living
room, all over the den.

Maude!

I am hurt, Walter.

I am deeply and terribly hurt.

If you kissed her, that
means you wanted her.

That is inexcusable.

Why didn't I think
of this before?

It must be male menopause.

Come on, Findlay.

Male menopause was to
win my argument, not yours.

So this is what I get
from my very best friend.

Walter, I demand satisfaction.

Don't be ridiculous.

But you and Vivian
got it, why can't I?

Arthur, you're blowing
things out of proportion.

It was just one of those things.

How many times, how many times

when the four of us
have been out together

having a perfectly
lovely evening

have you been undressing
Vivian with your eyes?

Stripping her clean
like a plucked chicken.

How many times, Walter?

Never.

Never?

Here I thought you liked
me for myself, Walter,

and now I realize all this time,

you've only been
lusting after my wife.

- Arthur?
- Don't touch me!

Just where do you
think you're going?

For a cup of coffee.

All this lusting is making
me a nervous wreck.

Come on, Maude,
I'm not the kind of guy

who spends all his time
sizing up his neighbor's wife.

Now, come off it, Findlay.

I've seen you
out on the streets.

Every time a short skirt passes,

your head whirls around so
fast, your eyeballs get whiplash.

That's different. That's
because I'm a leg man.

I mean every man has a
certain part of a woman's body

he's attracted to.

What parts of Vivian
turn you on, Walter?

None.

None?

All right, so I like
to look at other girls.

Don't tell me you
don't look at other men.

Never! I never
look at another man!

Oh, come on, Maude. Admit it.

It's a human thing to do.

You not only look at other men,

but sometimes you even
fantasize about other men

when we're together.

How dare you?

You know it's true.

I mean every married man
and woman is going through it

one time or another when
they need an inspiration.

I remember one night we
necked for an hour and 20 minutes

with our eyes open because

neither one of us
could think of anybody.

That is the sickest
lie I have ever heard.

What kind of a weirdo
do you think I am?

Fantasizing about men!

- Not once?
- Paul Newman.

That was only because I wanted
ours to be the perfect marriage,

and you had once told me you
thought of Joanne Woodward.

You people are depraved.

You're perverted and what's
even worse, you're rude.

Oh, can it, Arthur.

I beg your pardon.

You fantasize too,
you told me so yourself.

I don't see any
need to discuss this.

Arthur fantasizes about
Dr. Joyce Brothers.

That was purely
a platonic fantasy.

It was a professional
courtesy between doctors.

Which is more than I can say

for that kiss between
you and Walter.

Oh, come on, Arthur.

That's Carol.

Listen, she must not
hear a word about this.

I don't want her to
know anything about this.

Maude, Carol is a grown-up.

Walter, when you have
generously given a daughter

four different fathers
in one lifetime,

you don't hit her
with this news.

Get the cards. That's it.

We'll pretend
we're playing cards.

Everybody around the
coffee table, not a word.

I don't want her to
hear a word about this.

Now please, everybody,
we must be calm.

- All right.
- Calm, calm.

- Hi.
- Hello there.

Aloha.

I just came home to change.

I'm picking Phillip
up at Jimmy's.

We're gonna go to the movies.

- That's nice.
- Good.

What're you playing?

- Canasta.
- Rummy.

Hearts.

All right, what's going on?

Going?

She thinks something's going on.

Mother, I know
you. Now, what is it?

Nothing, darling.
Absolutely nothing.

Mother, I wasn't born yesterday.

Well, honey, if you must
know, we've just had a...

A very small petty disagreement

over a... a very minor thing.

And Vivian and Walter
are having an affair.

Maude!

Oh, Carol...
Vivian and Walter...

In each other's arms!

Vivian and Walter?

A simple little kiss.

Vivian... Walter...

Oh!

All right, I appreciate
your grief, Carol

but knock it off.

Ah! I can't...

I can't help it.

Oh!

Walter and Vivian... kissing.

Ah... Ah, that's hysterical.

Huh.

Good old-fashioned
"Sin in the Suburbs."

And to think, I once
spent three whole days

looking for a marble
in her potty seat.

Maude... Maude, did
you catch her reaction?

That's the way this whole
thing should be treated.

- Laugh it off and forget it.
- Yeah.

Intellectually,
Walter, I can do that.

Emotionally...
emotionally, no way.

If that's the way you
think of me, Maude,

if that's the way you
think of my fidelity, all right.

I didn't go out and
kiss just anybody.

I kissed your best friend

because I love your best friend.

She was upset and I responded
in the only way I knew how.

- Oh, you...
- Maude, please!

I mean there are times when
you feel for someone so much

that you can only
express that feeling

in the terms that
are available to you.

In this case, a kiss.

Well, if you don't
understand that,

that's your problem.

I am goin' into the
kitchen and smoke my pipe

and leave me alone!

- And I'm going with you.
- Vivian?

Vivian!

If you don't trust
us, tough turkeys.

They did it.

They went into the
kitchen together,

- alone, un-chaperoned.
- Oh, shut up.

Oh, if it were only as
simple as Walter says...

You know it would
just serve them right

if we gave them a little of
their own medicine back.

Oh, I don't know, Arthur.

What's sauce for the goose

is sauce for the
gander, you know.

And vice versa.

Whatever you say, Arthur.

Pucker up, and I'll...
And I'll call 'em out.

What?

We'll call 'em out here,

and then you and I
will give each other

the world's biggest kiss.

Wouldn't it be easier just
to go in and shoot them?

That's not very nice, Maudie.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Arthur.

I didn't mean that
the way it sounded.

I must say this has certainly
not been one of my better days.

Aw! I'm sorry.

Arthur, I am truly sorry.

First, it was the dog.

And now it's Vivian and Walter.

I know you don't expect
this coming from a surgeon,

Maudie, but I'm a...

I'm a...

Arthur... Arthur...

Oh there, there, Arthur.

Arthur.

Arthur...

look what we're doing.

Oh, my God!

Arthur, this is exactly what
Walter was talking about!

Well, I don't know about that...

No, you are
Walter's best friend,

- married to my best friend.
- Yeah.

And even with
you and me, Arthur,

with all the arguments
we've had and...

even though basically I loathe

everything you stand for.

No, really, I do, Arthur.

Still... it wouldn't be
hard for me to kiss you.

Well, it... it wouldn't be
h-hard for me to kiss you, either.

No, Arthur, you're not all bad.

Well!

Well, well!

We were just, we were just...

- Look, I, uh...
- Don't... don't

get the wrong idea...

Maude, we understand.

That's what we've
been trying to tell you.

We're simply four people
who love each other.

Don't you think it's time
we all kissed and made up?

Oh, darling. Oh, yes.

- Yes, yes.
- Oh, sorry about that.

Come on, you guys! Now
how about us? Come on.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh, Maude.
- Sweetie.

Good morning, darling.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Maude, I've made a big decision.

- No more pipes.
- Oh, come on.

- Now, sweetheart, don't be silly...
- No, Maude, you're right.

I burned my tie, my
mustache is stained,

it's a filthy habit.

I'll never smoke a pipe again.

Walter, I love you.

I love you, you are
so understanding.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪