Maude (1972–1978): Season 3, Episode 1 - Maude Meets the Duke - full transcript
Arthur has been sending fan letters to John Wayne for years. When John Wayne visits the town to film a movie, for publicity he has a scheduled stop at Arthur's home. But the roof caves in, and the event is held at Maude's place.
♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Oh, what a night.
I don't think I
slept ten minutes.
Oh!
I'll never spend a worse
night if I live to be a 100.
Which could be any minute now.
Listen, Walter, you have to
go over there and talk to Arthur.
Now, what kind
of a raving maniac
mows his lawn at 2
o'clock in the morning?
The same kind of raving maniac
who also mows it at 8
o'clock in the morning.
Hey, Arthur!
Arthur!
What a racket!
Ah. I didn't sleep
at all last night.
I think Arthur's
flipped his lid.
Oh! I hope so, Carol.
I mean for Arthur,
that would mean
he'll be well on the
road to mental health.
Oh!
Mother, will you hand
me that bottle of aspirin?
Oh, honey, I'm
sorry, it's empty.
I just had the last one.
That's okay.
Who needs aspirin?
Well, Walter.
Did you ask Arthur
why he's mowing his
lawn at 8 in the morning,
when he mow it at
2 o'clock last night?
Yes, Maude, I asked him.
And what did he say?
He said it's grown since then.
Now I know what he was
doing between 2 and 8...
fertilizing.
Well, I'm worried about him.
He's been acting
jittery all week.
It's like he's been trying
to tell me something.
Something's been gnawing at him.
Maybe it's Vivian.
Her front teeth have
been looking sharper lately.
Maude.
Maudie! Walter!
Listen, I think you deserve
an explanation about last night.
There's something
I gotta tell you.
What is it, Arthur?
Nothing. Good-bye.
Arthur!
Now, come on.
What's on your mind?
On my mind? Nothing, forget it.
There's never
anything on my mind.
Ugh.
That is the worst
coffee I have ever tasted.
That's because
it's orange juice.
This one's my coffee.
Arthur, what kind of
grass were you mowing?
Arthur, will you please tell
me what's bothering you?
All right!
Maudie, you'll have
to leave the room.
Arthur, when I have
to leave the room,
I will raise my hand.
Arthur, what's your problem?
Well, it's...
It's... what?
- I can't tell you.
- Of course you can!
Arthur, you know you
can tell us anything.
All right.
Now, promise you won't laugh.
- Arthur, you know
we won't laugh.
- Come on.
Of course not.
It's John Wayne.
- John Wayne?
- John Wayne.
He's coming to my
house this afternoon.
Now, may I leave the room?
Arthur, you mean the
John Wayne the movie star?
That John Wayne is
coming to your house.
That's right.
I know, it sounds crazy.
But he's coming to my house.
To Arthur Harmon's house.
Today!
Soon, in a little while!
Arthur, would you
like a bullet to bite on?
Come on, Arthur.
Who are you kidding?
What do you mean, kidding?
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Pinky swear.
Walter, I believe him.
I really believe him.
- You do?
- Absolutely.
Now, help me straighten up,
I'm expecting the Lone
Ranger for breakfast.
What is the matter
with you people?
I crossed my heart.
Oh!
John Wayne,
Hollywood's biggest star,
is gonna be in my home.
Okay, Arthur, I believe you.
But why would he possibly
be coming to your house?
Well...
We're good friends, me and Duke.
Yeah, that's what all
his friends call him, Duke.
- You and John Wayne
are friends?
- Yes.
Uh, tell me, Arthur,
what were you and John
going to do this afternoon?
Take a herd to Abilene?
I knew it! I knew it the
second that you heard
that that acid tongue of
yours would start flapping.
Arthur, in the 35 years
that I've known you,
never once have you mentioned
being friends with John Wayne.
Well, he doesn't run
around Hollywood saying
he's a friend of mine either.
The man belongs
in a home, Walter.
Arthur.
When was the last
time you saw the Duke?
Not "the Duke,"
just plain Duke.
All right, Arthur.
When was the last time
you saw just plain Duke?
Well, actually, it was a...
- Never.
- Never.
Never. Never. You've
never met John Wayne?
No wonder you're
such good friends.
He's gone, Walter.
How could John Wayne
be a friend of yours
if you never met?
Well, I wrote him a letter
once. It's not important.
Actually, we're pen pals.
Arthur, you mean a fan letter!
It wasn't a fan letter.
I just told him how
wonderful I thought he was.
Arthur, I don't believe this.
No wonder you're too
embarrassed to tell us.
You're nothing but a
starstruck, adolescent,
John Wayne groupie.
How long have you been
writing to John Wayne?
Just once a week.
For how long, Arthur?
Well,
twenty-five years.
But it isn't as if I
never had an answer.
See, here it is, right here.
See?
Take a gander at that!
It's real, Maude.
It's a real letter
from John Wayne.
And not only that...
but because I am
his number-one fan,
tonight, he's taking
Vivian and me
to the premiere of his
new movie "Brannigan."
Oh, Arthur,
honey, I don't want your
feelings to be hurt, but,
don't you see, John Wayne
isn't coming here to visit you.
This is a publicity gimmick
for his new movie.
I don't care.
If old John boy wants me to
help send his movie over the top,
I'm only too proud to serve.
What is it, Arthur, a war movie?
No, I doubt that, Walter.
John Wayne's already
won all the wars.
You're darn tootin!
In "Brannigan,"
he's a policeman from Chicago
who goes to London
to catch a crook,
and they're trying to kill him.
Who? The Screen Actors Guild?
That does it!
I was gonna invite you and
Walter over to my place for lunch
so that you could meet
John Wayne in person.
But now you'll just have
to stand outside on the curb
and wave a flag like the
rest of the neighborhood!
Wait a minute, Arthur,
I didn't say anything!
Arthur!
I... I still can't believe
the whole thing,
but, of course, I want
to meet John Wayne!
I'd love to meet John Wayne!
John Wayne?
Carol, I know it's gonna
sound a little crazy to you, too,
but john Wayne's coming
to Arthur's for lunch today!
- Really?
- Yeah.
Oh, Arthur, can I come
over and meet him?
And Phillip. Phillip will flip
out meeting John Wayne.
You hear that,
Maudie? You hear that?
The rest of your family is
dying to meet John Wayne.
At least they
recognize a great actor.
Great actor?
Arthur, I know four people
who show more emotion
than John Wayne,
and they're all on
Mount Rushmore.
Let me tell you
something, Maudie.
He is a brilliant actor!
I will never forget him
in "Allegheny Uprising."
You remember?
Remember?
When he came through the
swinging doors into the saloon?
Go ahead, Arthur!
What did he say?
He didn't say anything!
He just stood there
being John Wayne.
That is great acting.
Laurence Olivier would've
had to say something.
Something like,
"Why isn't John Wayne
doing this lousy picture?"
Come on, Maude, you
should jump at the chance
to meet John Wayne!
Oh, now, wait a minute!
Walter, I can understand
this of Arthur, but you...
You can't expect me
to have lunch with a man
whose favorite part of the
chicken is the right wing.
That is
Mr. Conservative himself.
Oh, come on, Maude, I don't
care anything about his politics.
He's a tradition!
Do you know how
many Saturday mornings
I spent with that man?
I grew up with John Wayne.
I spent thousands of hours in
dark theaters loving that man!
So what? I spent
thousands of hours
in dark theaters
loving lots of men.
For crying out loud.
I did a lot of that in
dark theaters, too.
The least you could do, Maude...
- Oh!
- Holy jumping...
- That was a bad one.
- Enough with those sonic booms.
Boy, it's a wonder that
all the windows in the place
didn't get shattered!
- Are you okay, Maude?
- I'm fine, darling.
- I'm fine. Just calm down.
- Arthur, Arthur.
Arthur, our ceiling just fell!
Arthur, there's plaster
all over the living room!
Oh, and, Arthur,
all your Toby mugs got broken.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, Arthur.
This is terrible, terrible!
Well, it's just a
miracle that I'm here.
Luckily, I was standing
under the archway at the time.
If I'd been two
steps to the left,
I would've been
squashed, Arthur!
Two little steps to the left...
Vivian, I can hear
that story another time!
How am I gonna entertain Duke?
Good gravy, I've
alerted the local press,
the Tuckahoe Drum and
Bugle Corps is coming!
Where am I gonna find another
place on such short notice?
Ah! Oh.
Maudie, did I ever
mention to you that
you're a marvelously
beautiful woman?
Oh, no, you don't!
Then, I take it back!
Now, wait a minute, Maude!
Half this house is mine!
- You got the house, Arthur.
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Now, wait...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!
You know that John Wayne and I
are as different
as night and day!
How can you expect
me to let anybody
that conservative
walk through that door?
Horse feathers!
I'm much more conservative
than John Wayne,
and I walk in this
house all the time.
By the way, reminds me. Get out!
Arthur, the house is yours!
Over here, army buddy!
Hello.
Oh, hi, Billy.
Sure, you can come over!
What?
Oh, it was easy
to get my grandma
to change her mind
about John Wayne.
I just turned the old tears on.
She's a sucker
for me when I cry.
Well...
It'll cost you 50 cents
to come inside the house
and a quarter to look
through the window.
Okay, Billy! See you later!
Doorbells! Phone calls!
Newspapers! Drums and bugles!
I'm going crazy!
Well, at least this
will be something
you'll remember for
the rest of your life.
That's right, Grandma.
We'll all be a
lot richer for it.
Especially me.
Hello!
Who?
No, I'm not interested.
Yes, he is coming over,
but I'm not interested in
joining your organization.
Really?
- Who is that?
- The Daughters
of the American Revolution.
DAR wants you to join?
Oh, well, they figure if
John Wayne's coming over
I've obviously seen the light.
Oh, Lord.
If Common Cause
ever gets wind of this,
they'll never let me
lick another envelope.
What do you think?
Oh, it's gorgeous, but...
Honey, John Wayne's
only interested in horses.
And their buy-products.
Arthur said, he'd
use his influence
to get Phillip and
me free tickets
to the Brannigan
premiere tonight.
Arthur use his influence?
Honey, he's a doctor.
He can't even get free samples
from the pharmaceutical houses.
- Hi, Maude.
- What is it, Liz?
Uh, well... well, you
remember Bobby,
my second child
by my first husband.
And this is Marsha,
my first child by
my third husband.
And this is Arnold,
my third child by
my second husband.
And this is Henry,
my present husband.
Nice meeting you all.
Now they're coming
out of the woodwork.
Get that, Carol.
Whoever it is, tell them, no.
Mother says no.
Maude, why'd you lock the door?
To keep out burglars
and Republicans.
Boy, what excitement out there!
All the neighbors took down
their "keep off the grass" signs
and put up
"parking, two dollars"
Walter, where have you been?
The barber's.
I wanted to make sure I
didn't look shabby for the Duke.
Not "the Duke," Walter.
Duke.
Walter, what
happened to your hair?
It looks different.
Oh, good Lord,
that's probably the CIA
posing as the Avon Lady.
Or the Avon Lady
posing as the CIA.
I'm sorry to bother you, Maude,
but could I borrow
a cup of sugar?
Oh, knock it off, Liz, you
know you're a diabetic.
Rude, Mother, rude.
Walter, what... what did
that barber do to your hair?
It looks so...
Oh, Lord, not again.
Howdy!
We gave at the stable.
I'm warning you, ma'am,
don't you try that again,
or I'll blow this here
homestead to Kingdom Come.
Perfect... Paul Lynde, right?
You're still angry, huh, Maudie?
You should be proud.
The Chamber of
Commerce is delighted.
Do you know what
happens when John Wayne
visits a neighborhood?
Yes, Arthur,
stagecoach
hold-ups fall off 50%.
Hey, Arthur, I love your outfit!
I got it right across the
street from your store.
31 Flavors?
Oh, no.
Cohen's Cowboy Corral.
You want to see something?
Get a load of this. Bobbidi...
- Arthur!
- Holy mackerel!
- Where did you learn
how to do that?
- Oh, my gosh, Arthur!
Oh, golly!
Arthur, that's fantastic!
Sensational!
Sensational!
Arthur, you have the perfect
tools for highway robbery.
Two guns and a license
to practice medicine.
Arthur, where
did you learn that?
Oh, I practiced.
Every Sunday after golf,
I'd sneak into the garage
for an hour and twirl my guns.
Good Lord, he's a closet cowboy.
What now, Liz?
I want to apologize
for lying, Maude.
I am diabetic.
So, could I borrow
a cup of saccharine?
Oh, come in, come in, come in.
Come on!
Oh, Maude.
I left the Turkey
salad in your fridge.
Isn't this exciting?
Oh, and I left a note
on our door telling
Duke where we are.
What's the matter?
Couldn't he pick up your trail?
And, luckily, I
remembered to bring this.
It's Arthur's prized possession.
Duke sent it to him personally.
Arthur calls it...
"An American Duke
on a London Bridge."
It's... it's beautiful, Viv,
but that's not the
right place for it.
- I have the perfect spot.
- Oh!
This way, gang!
Wait! Wait!
I'll sign something.
I'll sign something.
Hold it, everybody, hold it!
That's not John Wayne.
Can't you see he's too short?
Don't look at me!
Walter, listen...
Walter, what happened
to your bald spot?
Walter, your bald spot is
covered with black fuzz.
It's the latest thing
in hairpieces, Maude!
Ben, my barber, loaned it to
me so I'd look good for Duke.
Walter, it's the year of Kojak.
Bald is beautiful.
Hey, it's just about
time, everybody!
-Oh -Now, listen, spread
out, don't bunch up.
All right, now,
everybody, look alive.
Smile.
And whatever you do,
try to look American.
Now, wait a minute,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
Hold it, hold it!
I want to warn you...
This is not all going
to be fun and games.
I, for one, intend to
question Mr. Wayne
on some of the important
issues of the day.
Attaboy, Grandma!
Now, just a minute
there, Maudie.
This is not an
occasion to discuss
politics or the
issues of the day.
This visit is purely patriotic.
Patri... patriotic?
Arthur, he is here to
publicize his new movie
so it'll make more money.
What could be more
patriotic than that?
Remember, Maudie,
what's good for John Wayne
is good for America!
I don't believe this!
I do not believe it.
Have you all lost
your sense of values?
A movie star is a movie star.
John Wayne is no
different from Donald Duck,
except he's not quite
as good an actor.
I mean, if I can't have
a meaningful discussion
with the Duke of Wayne,
I have no intention of
standing around here,
mooning over some
celebrity like the rest of you.
I am the only one here
who is behaving in a
calm, sane, rational manner.
Good-bye.
Who's Arthur Harmon?
I am.
The way the world's
going today, lady,
I believe ya.
Uh, Duke. I'm the
real Arthur Harmon.
- Oh.
- She's a woman.
- Howdy.
- Howdy, hi.
Hello, folks.
Hey.
Cohen's Cowboy Corral, right?
Right.
Uh, the guns... The
guns came with it.
Oh, great.
Well, don't worry about that.
It's a good thing
you're not a surgeon.
I'm Dr. Harmon's best friend...
- Walter Findlay,
the appliance dealer.
- Uh-huh.
If your horse ever
needs an electric feedbag,
I can probably get
it for you wholesale.
Uh. Huh-uh.
Who's the little woman?
Gee, Duke, it takes a big man
to call Maude the little woman.
She's my wife.
Oh, well, uh...
This is Vivian, uh,
my ball and chain.
Oh, Arthur, you're funny.
What is it you were
gonna say, Mrs. uh...
- Uh.
- Uh.
- Maude.
- Mrs. Maude.
- Mrs. Findlay.
- Oh?
Would you like to say hello
to some of your admirers?
Why don't we just
come right over here?
Hey, maybe we can get
a picture around the bar?
Oh, that's great.
That's John Wayne.
That's John Wayne!
He's in my house.
Big movie star.
We call him Duke.
And this is my son, Phillip.
He's your biggest fan.
How are you, Phillip?
Put it there, Mr. Wayne.
Well, I don't know,
you look pretty strong!
Hey!
I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne, I
didn't mean to hurt ya.
Aw, that's all right, son.
We need fellas like you with
strong hands and short hair.
Grandma, can I see you a minute?
Duke, what'll you have?
With all the cattle
you've been around,
you must've drunk a lot of milk.
Well, unfortunately,
I never found a cow
that'd give Bourbon.
Well, give him a Bourbon.
How'd you like to sit down
and take a load
off your feet, Duke?
- Well, thanks.
- Make yourself at home.
Hey, funny place
to hang a picture.
Ah!
It's a good likeness, uh, Duke.
- You think I look like that?
- Uh-huh.
Well, then, you hung
it in the right place.
- There you go, Duke!
- Oh, thank you.
Boy!
Mmm. What's this?
Oh, a hairy coaster.
But, Phillip...
Please, Grandma!
I promised all my friends
you and John Wayne
were gonna have a big showdown.
You don't want to make
a liar out of me, do you?
Oh, Phillip, but John Wayne
is a guest in our house.
I can't embarrass him.
Why not? That never
stopped you before.
Phillip, this is different.
John Wayne is a big movie star.
But, grandma, you always told
me to stand up for my principles.
How come you don't
stand up for yours?
Oh.
Oh.
Um. Oh.
Mr. Wayne, I'm afraid that
I have to apologize
for my grandson.
Oh, that's all right.
You see, I... I promised him
that I was going to ask
you a few questions.
Well, then, why
don't you go ahead
and ask me a few questions,
and I'll see if I
can answer them?
Oh, well, uh...
uh, to begin with,
I was going to,
uh, discuss politics.
Oh, well, I'm...
I'm sorry, ma'am,
but I can't discuss
politics with women.
Well, uh, then, I was going to
ask you to discuss gun control.
Oh, I'm very sorry,
but I can't discuss
gun control with women.
Oh,
well, uh...
What do you discuss with women?
I can't discuss what
I discuss with women
in front of a lady.
You see, Phillip, there's
nothing to talk about.
Well, I loved what you
had to say against women
in that speech at Harvard, Duke.
Oh, well, I didn't say
anything against women.
All I said was that
I thought they had a right to
work any place they wanted to
as long as they had dinner
on the table when I got home.
As long as dinner
was on the table
when you got home?
Let me tell you
something, shorty.
Oh, the hell with
it, let's dance.
Oh.
You know, I've spent thousands
of hours in dark theaters
loving you, Duke?
Was that you?
John Wayne!
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
a freedom rider ♪
♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪
♪ Joan of Arc, with
the Lord to guide her ♪
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪
♪ Ain't ya glad she showed up? ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪
♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪
♪ Anything but tranquilizin' ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪
Oh, what a night.
I don't think I
slept ten minutes.
Oh!
I'll never spend a worse
night if I live to be a 100.
Which could be any minute now.
Listen, Walter, you have to
go over there and talk to Arthur.
Now, what kind
of a raving maniac
mows his lawn at 2
o'clock in the morning?
The same kind of raving maniac
who also mows it at 8
o'clock in the morning.
Hey, Arthur!
Arthur!
What a racket!
Ah. I didn't sleep
at all last night.
I think Arthur's
flipped his lid.
Oh! I hope so, Carol.
I mean for Arthur,
that would mean
he'll be well on the
road to mental health.
Oh!
Mother, will you hand
me that bottle of aspirin?
Oh, honey, I'm
sorry, it's empty.
I just had the last one.
That's okay.
Who needs aspirin?
Well, Walter.
Did you ask Arthur
why he's mowing his
lawn at 8 in the morning,
when he mow it at
2 o'clock last night?
Yes, Maude, I asked him.
And what did he say?
He said it's grown since then.
Now I know what he was
doing between 2 and 8...
fertilizing.
Well, I'm worried about him.
He's been acting
jittery all week.
It's like he's been trying
to tell me something.
Something's been gnawing at him.
Maybe it's Vivian.
Her front teeth have
been looking sharper lately.
Maude.
Maudie! Walter!
Listen, I think you deserve
an explanation about last night.
There's something
I gotta tell you.
What is it, Arthur?
Nothing. Good-bye.
Arthur!
Now, come on.
What's on your mind?
On my mind? Nothing, forget it.
There's never
anything on my mind.
Ugh.
That is the worst
coffee I have ever tasted.
That's because
it's orange juice.
This one's my coffee.
Arthur, what kind of
grass were you mowing?
Arthur, will you please tell
me what's bothering you?
All right!
Maudie, you'll have
to leave the room.
Arthur, when I have
to leave the room,
I will raise my hand.
Arthur, what's your problem?
Well, it's...
It's... what?
- I can't tell you.
- Of course you can!
Arthur, you know you
can tell us anything.
All right.
Now, promise you won't laugh.
- Arthur, you know
we won't laugh.
- Come on.
Of course not.
It's John Wayne.
- John Wayne?
- John Wayne.
He's coming to my
house this afternoon.
Now, may I leave the room?
Arthur, you mean the
John Wayne the movie star?
That John Wayne is
coming to your house.
That's right.
I know, it sounds crazy.
But he's coming to my house.
To Arthur Harmon's house.
Today!
Soon, in a little while!
Arthur, would you
like a bullet to bite on?
Come on, Arthur.
Who are you kidding?
What do you mean, kidding?
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Pinky swear.
Walter, I believe him.
I really believe him.
- You do?
- Absolutely.
Now, help me straighten up,
I'm expecting the Lone
Ranger for breakfast.
What is the matter
with you people?
I crossed my heart.
Oh!
John Wayne,
Hollywood's biggest star,
is gonna be in my home.
Okay, Arthur, I believe you.
But why would he possibly
be coming to your house?
Well...
We're good friends, me and Duke.
Yeah, that's what all
his friends call him, Duke.
- You and John Wayne
are friends?
- Yes.
Uh, tell me, Arthur,
what were you and John
going to do this afternoon?
Take a herd to Abilene?
I knew it! I knew it the
second that you heard
that that acid tongue of
yours would start flapping.
Arthur, in the 35 years
that I've known you,
never once have you mentioned
being friends with John Wayne.
Well, he doesn't run
around Hollywood saying
he's a friend of mine either.
The man belongs
in a home, Walter.
Arthur.
When was the last
time you saw the Duke?
Not "the Duke,"
just plain Duke.
All right, Arthur.
When was the last time
you saw just plain Duke?
Well, actually, it was a...
- Never.
- Never.
Never. Never. You've
never met John Wayne?
No wonder you're
such good friends.
He's gone, Walter.
How could John Wayne
be a friend of yours
if you never met?
Well, I wrote him a letter
once. It's not important.
Actually, we're pen pals.
Arthur, you mean a fan letter!
It wasn't a fan letter.
I just told him how
wonderful I thought he was.
Arthur, I don't believe this.
No wonder you're too
embarrassed to tell us.
You're nothing but a
starstruck, adolescent,
John Wayne groupie.
How long have you been
writing to John Wayne?
Just once a week.
For how long, Arthur?
Well,
twenty-five years.
But it isn't as if I
never had an answer.
See, here it is, right here.
See?
Take a gander at that!
It's real, Maude.
It's a real letter
from John Wayne.
And not only that...
but because I am
his number-one fan,
tonight, he's taking
Vivian and me
to the premiere of his
new movie "Brannigan."
Oh, Arthur,
honey, I don't want your
feelings to be hurt, but,
don't you see, John Wayne
isn't coming here to visit you.
This is a publicity gimmick
for his new movie.
I don't care.
If old John boy wants me to
help send his movie over the top,
I'm only too proud to serve.
What is it, Arthur, a war movie?
No, I doubt that, Walter.
John Wayne's already
won all the wars.
You're darn tootin!
In "Brannigan,"
he's a policeman from Chicago
who goes to London
to catch a crook,
and they're trying to kill him.
Who? The Screen Actors Guild?
That does it!
I was gonna invite you and
Walter over to my place for lunch
so that you could meet
John Wayne in person.
But now you'll just have
to stand outside on the curb
and wave a flag like the
rest of the neighborhood!
Wait a minute, Arthur,
I didn't say anything!
Arthur!
I... I still can't believe
the whole thing,
but, of course, I want
to meet John Wayne!
I'd love to meet John Wayne!
John Wayne?
Carol, I know it's gonna
sound a little crazy to you, too,
but john Wayne's coming
to Arthur's for lunch today!
- Really?
- Yeah.
Oh, Arthur, can I come
over and meet him?
And Phillip. Phillip will flip
out meeting John Wayne.
You hear that,
Maudie? You hear that?
The rest of your family is
dying to meet John Wayne.
At least they
recognize a great actor.
Great actor?
Arthur, I know four people
who show more emotion
than John Wayne,
and they're all on
Mount Rushmore.
Let me tell you
something, Maudie.
He is a brilliant actor!
I will never forget him
in "Allegheny Uprising."
You remember?
Remember?
When he came through the
swinging doors into the saloon?
Go ahead, Arthur!
What did he say?
He didn't say anything!
He just stood there
being John Wayne.
That is great acting.
Laurence Olivier would've
had to say something.
Something like,
"Why isn't John Wayne
doing this lousy picture?"
Come on, Maude, you
should jump at the chance
to meet John Wayne!
Oh, now, wait a minute!
Walter, I can understand
this of Arthur, but you...
You can't expect me
to have lunch with a man
whose favorite part of the
chicken is the right wing.
That is
Mr. Conservative himself.
Oh, come on, Maude, I don't
care anything about his politics.
He's a tradition!
Do you know how
many Saturday mornings
I spent with that man?
I grew up with John Wayne.
I spent thousands of hours in
dark theaters loving that man!
So what? I spent
thousands of hours
in dark theaters
loving lots of men.
For crying out loud.
I did a lot of that in
dark theaters, too.
The least you could do, Maude...
- Oh!
- Holy jumping...
- That was a bad one.
- Enough with those sonic booms.
Boy, it's a wonder that
all the windows in the place
didn't get shattered!
- Are you okay, Maude?
- I'm fine, darling.
- I'm fine. Just calm down.
- Arthur, Arthur.
Arthur, our ceiling just fell!
Arthur, there's plaster
all over the living room!
Oh, and, Arthur,
all your Toby mugs got broken.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, Arthur.
This is terrible, terrible!
Well, it's just a
miracle that I'm here.
Luckily, I was standing
under the archway at the time.
If I'd been two
steps to the left,
I would've been
squashed, Arthur!
Two little steps to the left...
Vivian, I can hear
that story another time!
How am I gonna entertain Duke?
Good gravy, I've
alerted the local press,
the Tuckahoe Drum and
Bugle Corps is coming!
Where am I gonna find another
place on such short notice?
Ah! Oh.
Maudie, did I ever
mention to you that
you're a marvelously
beautiful woman?
Oh, no, you don't!
Then, I take it back!
Now, wait a minute, Maude!
Half this house is mine!
- You got the house, Arthur.
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Now, wait...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!
You know that John Wayne and I
are as different
as night and day!
How can you expect
me to let anybody
that conservative
walk through that door?
Horse feathers!
I'm much more conservative
than John Wayne,
and I walk in this
house all the time.
By the way, reminds me. Get out!
Arthur, the house is yours!
Over here, army buddy!
Hello.
Oh, hi, Billy.
Sure, you can come over!
What?
Oh, it was easy
to get my grandma
to change her mind
about John Wayne.
I just turned the old tears on.
She's a sucker
for me when I cry.
Well...
It'll cost you 50 cents
to come inside the house
and a quarter to look
through the window.
Okay, Billy! See you later!
Doorbells! Phone calls!
Newspapers! Drums and bugles!
I'm going crazy!
Well, at least this
will be something
you'll remember for
the rest of your life.
That's right, Grandma.
We'll all be a
lot richer for it.
Especially me.
Hello!
Who?
No, I'm not interested.
Yes, he is coming over,
but I'm not interested in
joining your organization.
Really?
- Who is that?
- The Daughters
of the American Revolution.
DAR wants you to join?
Oh, well, they figure if
John Wayne's coming over
I've obviously seen the light.
Oh, Lord.
If Common Cause
ever gets wind of this,
they'll never let me
lick another envelope.
What do you think?
Oh, it's gorgeous, but...
Honey, John Wayne's
only interested in horses.
And their buy-products.
Arthur said, he'd
use his influence
to get Phillip and
me free tickets
to the Brannigan
premiere tonight.
Arthur use his influence?
Honey, he's a doctor.
He can't even get free samples
from the pharmaceutical houses.
- Hi, Maude.
- What is it, Liz?
Uh, well... well, you
remember Bobby,
my second child
by my first husband.
And this is Marsha,
my first child by
my third husband.
And this is Arnold,
my third child by
my second husband.
And this is Henry,
my present husband.
Nice meeting you all.
Now they're coming
out of the woodwork.
Get that, Carol.
Whoever it is, tell them, no.
Mother says no.
Maude, why'd you lock the door?
To keep out burglars
and Republicans.
Boy, what excitement out there!
All the neighbors took down
their "keep off the grass" signs
and put up
"parking, two dollars"
Walter, where have you been?
The barber's.
I wanted to make sure I
didn't look shabby for the Duke.
Not "the Duke," Walter.
Duke.
Walter, what
happened to your hair?
It looks different.
Oh, good Lord,
that's probably the CIA
posing as the Avon Lady.
Or the Avon Lady
posing as the CIA.
I'm sorry to bother you, Maude,
but could I borrow
a cup of sugar?
Oh, knock it off, Liz, you
know you're a diabetic.
Rude, Mother, rude.
Walter, what... what did
that barber do to your hair?
It looks so...
Oh, Lord, not again.
Howdy!
We gave at the stable.
I'm warning you, ma'am,
don't you try that again,
or I'll blow this here
homestead to Kingdom Come.
Perfect... Paul Lynde, right?
You're still angry, huh, Maudie?
You should be proud.
The Chamber of
Commerce is delighted.
Do you know what
happens when John Wayne
visits a neighborhood?
Yes, Arthur,
stagecoach
hold-ups fall off 50%.
Hey, Arthur, I love your outfit!
I got it right across the
street from your store.
31 Flavors?
Oh, no.
Cohen's Cowboy Corral.
You want to see something?
Get a load of this. Bobbidi...
- Arthur!
- Holy mackerel!
- Where did you learn
how to do that?
- Oh, my gosh, Arthur!
Oh, golly!
Arthur, that's fantastic!
Sensational!
Sensational!
Arthur, you have the perfect
tools for highway robbery.
Two guns and a license
to practice medicine.
Arthur, where
did you learn that?
Oh, I practiced.
Every Sunday after golf,
I'd sneak into the garage
for an hour and twirl my guns.
Good Lord, he's a closet cowboy.
What now, Liz?
I want to apologize
for lying, Maude.
I am diabetic.
So, could I borrow
a cup of saccharine?
Oh, come in, come in, come in.
Come on!
Oh, Maude.
I left the Turkey
salad in your fridge.
Isn't this exciting?
Oh, and I left a note
on our door telling
Duke where we are.
What's the matter?
Couldn't he pick up your trail?
And, luckily, I
remembered to bring this.
It's Arthur's prized possession.
Duke sent it to him personally.
Arthur calls it...
"An American Duke
on a London Bridge."
It's... it's beautiful, Viv,
but that's not the
right place for it.
- I have the perfect spot.
- Oh!
This way, gang!
Wait! Wait!
I'll sign something.
I'll sign something.
Hold it, everybody, hold it!
That's not John Wayne.
Can't you see he's too short?
Don't look at me!
Walter, listen...
Walter, what happened
to your bald spot?
Walter, your bald spot is
covered with black fuzz.
It's the latest thing
in hairpieces, Maude!
Ben, my barber, loaned it to
me so I'd look good for Duke.
Walter, it's the year of Kojak.
Bald is beautiful.
Hey, it's just about
time, everybody!
-Oh -Now, listen, spread
out, don't bunch up.
All right, now,
everybody, look alive.
Smile.
And whatever you do,
try to look American.
Now, wait a minute,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
Hold it, hold it!
I want to warn you...
This is not all going
to be fun and games.
I, for one, intend to
question Mr. Wayne
on some of the important
issues of the day.
Attaboy, Grandma!
Now, just a minute
there, Maudie.
This is not an
occasion to discuss
politics or the
issues of the day.
This visit is purely patriotic.
Patri... patriotic?
Arthur, he is here to
publicize his new movie
so it'll make more money.
What could be more
patriotic than that?
Remember, Maudie,
what's good for John Wayne
is good for America!
I don't believe this!
I do not believe it.
Have you all lost
your sense of values?
A movie star is a movie star.
John Wayne is no
different from Donald Duck,
except he's not quite
as good an actor.
I mean, if I can't have
a meaningful discussion
with the Duke of Wayne,
I have no intention of
standing around here,
mooning over some
celebrity like the rest of you.
I am the only one here
who is behaving in a
calm, sane, rational manner.
Good-bye.
Who's Arthur Harmon?
I am.
The way the world's
going today, lady,
I believe ya.
Uh, Duke. I'm the
real Arthur Harmon.
- Oh.
- She's a woman.
- Howdy.
- Howdy, hi.
Hello, folks.
Hey.
Cohen's Cowboy Corral, right?
Right.
Uh, the guns... The
guns came with it.
Oh, great.
Well, don't worry about that.
It's a good thing
you're not a surgeon.
I'm Dr. Harmon's best friend...
- Walter Findlay,
the appliance dealer.
- Uh-huh.
If your horse ever
needs an electric feedbag,
I can probably get
it for you wholesale.
Uh. Huh-uh.
Who's the little woman?
Gee, Duke, it takes a big man
to call Maude the little woman.
She's my wife.
Oh, well, uh...
This is Vivian, uh,
my ball and chain.
Oh, Arthur, you're funny.
What is it you were
gonna say, Mrs. uh...
- Uh.
- Uh.
- Maude.
- Mrs. Maude.
- Mrs. Findlay.
- Oh?
Would you like to say hello
to some of your admirers?
Why don't we just
come right over here?
Hey, maybe we can get
a picture around the bar?
Oh, that's great.
That's John Wayne.
That's John Wayne!
He's in my house.
Big movie star.
We call him Duke.
And this is my son, Phillip.
He's your biggest fan.
How are you, Phillip?
Put it there, Mr. Wayne.
Well, I don't know,
you look pretty strong!
Hey!
I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne, I
didn't mean to hurt ya.
Aw, that's all right, son.
We need fellas like you with
strong hands and short hair.
Grandma, can I see you a minute?
Duke, what'll you have?
With all the cattle
you've been around,
you must've drunk a lot of milk.
Well, unfortunately,
I never found a cow
that'd give Bourbon.
Well, give him a Bourbon.
How'd you like to sit down
and take a load
off your feet, Duke?
- Well, thanks.
- Make yourself at home.
Hey, funny place
to hang a picture.
Ah!
It's a good likeness, uh, Duke.
- You think I look like that?
- Uh-huh.
Well, then, you hung
it in the right place.
- There you go, Duke!
- Oh, thank you.
Boy!
Mmm. What's this?
Oh, a hairy coaster.
But, Phillip...
Please, Grandma!
I promised all my friends
you and John Wayne
were gonna have a big showdown.
You don't want to make
a liar out of me, do you?
Oh, Phillip, but John Wayne
is a guest in our house.
I can't embarrass him.
Why not? That never
stopped you before.
Phillip, this is different.
John Wayne is a big movie star.
But, grandma, you always told
me to stand up for my principles.
How come you don't
stand up for yours?
Oh.
Oh.
Um. Oh.
Mr. Wayne, I'm afraid that
I have to apologize
for my grandson.
Oh, that's all right.
You see, I... I promised him
that I was going to ask
you a few questions.
Well, then, why
don't you go ahead
and ask me a few questions,
and I'll see if I
can answer them?
Oh, well, uh...
uh, to begin with,
I was going to,
uh, discuss politics.
Oh, well, I'm...
I'm sorry, ma'am,
but I can't discuss
politics with women.
Well, uh, then, I was going to
ask you to discuss gun control.
Oh, I'm very sorry,
but I can't discuss
gun control with women.
Oh,
well, uh...
What do you discuss with women?
I can't discuss what
I discuss with women
in front of a lady.
You see, Phillip, there's
nothing to talk about.
Well, I loved what you
had to say against women
in that speech at Harvard, Duke.
Oh, well, I didn't say
anything against women.
All I said was that
I thought they had a right to
work any place they wanted to
as long as they had dinner
on the table when I got home.
As long as dinner
was on the table
when you got home?
Let me tell you
something, shorty.
Oh, the hell with
it, let's dance.
Oh.
You know, I've spent thousands
of hours in dark theaters
loving you, Duke?
Was that you?
John Wayne!
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Maude was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's Maude ♪
♪ And then there's ♪
♪ Right on, Maude ♪
♪ Right on, Maude. ♪